Ce script VO a été migré dans le guide de l'épisode.SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(The dinner table is set. Karen is sitting at the table. Will is in the kitchen. He picks up the dinner to bring to the table as Grace walks in from her bedroom.)
GRACE: Will, stop. This dinner is in your honor. Quitting your job and taking a big risk in your life. I do not want you to life a finger.
[GRACE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE.]
WILL: Oh, Grace, that is so sweet. Considering I already shopped, prepped, and cooked the entire meal. It's really no big deal to carry it the last six steps.
GRACE: All right, but I'm clearing. [QUIETLY TO KAREN] I ain't clearing.
KAREN: Okay, guys, where's Jack? We gotta move this along. I've got Stella McCartney meeting me at the manse for a fitting and I want Rosario to slaughter a chicken in front of her. It's fun to mess with vegans.
GRACE: Oh, right, the benefit. You know, I think it's great that the Walker Foundation still gives out scholarships every year.
KAREN: Mm-hmm. Stan had a big heart. Well... not so much "big" as engorged and filled with cheese.
JACK: Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. I was in a pitch meeting at Out TV. Oh. Okay, right. "Pitch". Yeah. That's industry speak for when people get so excited about an idea, they pitch a tent in their pants. Anyway, I'm gonna be a producer of a talk show. I'm gonna be a household name!
WILL: Wow, just like that guy who produces "Oprah" whose name I can't remember is a household name.
JACK: Exactly. Now I just need a host. Someone who you'd like to welcome into your living room every day. Like Tony Danza. [TO WILL] Oh, look at me going on and on about my job when you were recently fired. I'm sorry.
WILL: Jack, I wasn't fired. I quit.
JACK: Oh. [SCOFFS] Okay. Right, right. Just like I "quit" all my jobs, too. Yeah. Did they bang your hands with an astray trying to get you to let go of the cappucino machine while you were "quittin'"?
WILL: I quit because I want to do something meaningful with my life. And, uh, I know what it is.
[WILL PAUSES. NO ONE SEEMS VERY INTERESTED.]
KAREN: Well, then I know what I'm not going to be doing. Reading.
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen is sitting at her desk. She pops a pill and looks at the bottle.)
KAREN: [READING THE BOTTLE] "Possible side effects: May see spots."
[GRACE WALKS IN, WEARING A BLACK BLOUSE WITH WHITE POLKA DOTS. KAREN JUMPS IN HER CHAIR AND TOSSES THE BOTTLE.]
KAREN: Hey, honey... you had a message. From a man. He sounded cute, into you, and straight.
[KAREN GIVES GRACE THE MESSAGE.]
GRACE: [READING THE MESSAGE] "Tom Cassidy"? Ah. We went to college together.
KAREN: Ooh. College girl. Look who went to college.
GRACE: We had a fling my senior year of college. He was so romantic. He always made sure that his roommate was asleep before we'd do it.
KAREN: [UNINTERESTED] Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?
GRACE: Oh! I know why he's calling. He must have heard about my divorce.
KAREN: Oh, here he comes again. Barking up the Grace tree. Woof!
GRACE: [CHUCKLING] He sure is.
KAREN: Sniffing after your rotting fruit. Looking for a place to lift his leg. Ha ha ha.
GRACE: Yeah, that started fun.
KAREN: Well, he said he's gonna stop by the office today. Gosh, honey. I think I'm kinda jealous. I wish I had a handsome man visiting me at work.
[BEVERLEY LESLIE STROLLS INTO THE OFFICE.]
BEVERLEY: Well, well, well...
[KAREN NEARLY FALLS OUT OF HER CHAIR.]
KAREN: Instead, I have the world's oldest girl.
BEVERLEY: Keep it up, Karen Walker, I'll add that insult to my complaint.
KAREN: The only complaint you have is that the American Kennel Club hasn't recognized you as a breed yet!
BEVERLEY: I am slapping you with a lawsuit for defamation of character. [TO GRACE] I was hosting a soiree for the Republican Party on the flight deck of the Intrepid. Your friend publicly insinuated that I was a homosexual.
[BEVERLEY TURNS HIS BACK TO GRACE, ANNOYED.]
KAREN: Oh, Beverley, no! You must've misunderstood.
[CUT TO THE NAVY DOCK, OVER THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. INTREPID. KAREN'S VOICE CAN BE HEARD OVER A P.A.]
KAREN'S VOICE: Attention Republicans: Beverley Leslie is a homosexual. I repeat: Beverley Leslie is a homosexual.
[CUT BACK TO GRACE'S OFFICE.]
BEVERLEY: I demand a public apology at your benefit tomorrow night!
KAREN: Oh, all right, fine. Now get out of here, you angry inch.
BEVERLEY: If not, I will destroy you!
SCENE III: Central Park
(Will is sitting on a bench typing into his laptop computer. An attractive gentleman, Malcolm, walks up and sits down on the bench.)
MALCOLM: Look at those squirrels go! Oh. I would pay to watch squirrel racing.
WILL: I'd pay to see the jockeys.
MALCOLM: [CHUCKLES] That, my friend, is hilarious. You must be a writer.
WILL: Really? I seem like a writer? That's fantastic, 'cause that's what I am.
MALCOLM: Wonderful. My favorite writer is John Steinbeck. Or is it Erma Bombeck? I get my Becks confused.
WILL: Uh, one wrote about the Dust Bowl, and the other wrote about the toilet bowl.
MALCOLM: Ah, very good. Yeah. So what's your voice, Will Truman? What do you want to say?
WILL: Well, I... I wanna do some good. You know? I wanna make people think. The-- Wait a minute, how'd you know my name?
MALCOLM: It's right there on your notebook above "plus Hugh Jackman".
WILL: To be fair, I wrote that a long time ago. You know... before Van Helsing.
MALCOLM: I'm Malcolm. Can I read something?
WILL: Oh, I don't think so. You're a stranger.
MALCOLM: What if I told you I had friends at The New Yorker who were looking for new talent?
WILL: I'd say, "Howdy, stranger, wanna read an essay?" [CHUCKLES] Then I'd immediately regret saying "howdy". Here, this one is, uh, is about how Wall Street really is a bull market, if you know what I mean.
[WILL HANDS MALCOLM A FOLDER.]
MALCOLM: Ouch. That has got "Talk of the Town" written all over it. [LAUGHS]
[MALCOLM OPENS THE FOLDER AND BEGINS READING.]
MALCOLM: Ooh, good first sentence, I'm hooked. Mm-hmm. Hmm. Aah! [CHUCKLES] I didn't see that coming.
[MALCOLM SHUTS THE FOLDER AND STANDS UP, WALKING BEHIND THE BENCH.]
MALCOLM: I am so glad that I met you, Will Truman. You are the whole package. A great writer... [TOUCHING WILL'S BACK] with a swimmer's body. Don't ever forget that.
[MALCOLM WALKS AWAY.]
SCENE IV: Out TV, Jack's Office
(Jack is sitting at his desk. His assistant, Dave, enters with a manila folder.)
DAVE: I put all your pictures of John Stamos in descending order of his hotness like you asked. I hope I did it right.
[DAVE GIVES THE FOLDER TO JACK.]
JACK: Let's see how you did. Okay.
[JACK OPENS THE FOLDER AND FLIPS THROUGH THE PHOTOS.]
JACK: This is an abomination!
[ONE OF THE OUT TV PRODUCERS, JAMIE, ENTERS JACK'S OFFICE.]
JAMIE: Jack, hi. [TO DAVE] Beat it, straighty. Go call your girlfriend.
[DAVE EXITS JACK'S OFFICE.]
JACK: Oh, Jamie. You're abusing heterosexuals. You must have good news. Heh-heh. Tell me we have a host for the show.
JAMIE: You're gonna be very happy, Jack. We were lucky to get former child star, current telemarketer, Randall Finn.
JACK: Randall Finn? The loveable robot from "Small Boy Robot"?
JAMIE: He's perfect! Hey, there he is. [CALLING OUT TO THE HALLWAY] Randall.
[RANDALL ENTERS. HE'S QUITE SHORT, WITH RED HAIR AND A BEARD.]
JAMIE: Say hello to Jack.
RANDALL: What? [VERY ANNOYED] Who's Jack? [TO JACK] What do you want from me, you beaver? What? An autograph? A headshot? Well, unless you can trade me a clean cup of urine, you can forget it.
JACK: Um, no, I'm your producer. Jack McFarland.
RANDALL: Oh, oh, I'm punked to meet you. I can't wait to meet all the people who are gonna be working on my show.
JACK: You just did! By the way, big fan. Loved "Small Boy Robot." The episode where you thought you could jump in the pool with the normal kids... Oh! Tore me up.
RANDALL: Hey, so what kind of stuff you thinking about for my show?
JACK: Okay, well, I'd like to get you out of the studio for a segment I like to call "Gay Man Out On The Street". You know?
JAMIE: It's genius, Jack. [TO RANDALL] I told you he was great.
RANDALL: Jamie, back up or you're gonna be eating my fist, okay? You're breathing down my neck like a six-foot hairdryer.
JAMIE: Sorry, Superstar.
RANDALL: You know what? I don't--I don't like you. You know what you remind me of is that studio teacher I always had who was always riding me about the algebra. You know what, Jamie? I got some algebra for you. X plus Y equals: You are barred from the set! [SHOUTING] Barred from the set!
[RANDALL STOMPS OUT OF JACK'S OFFICE.]
JAMIE: [TO JACK] Sweet guy.
SCENE V: Grace Adler Designs
(Karen and Grace are eating Chinese take-out for lunch. Grace scoops some noodles up with her chopsticks, tilts her head back and opens her mouth; The noodles fall all over her, and into her blouse.)
GRACE: Aw, crap. Crap.
[GRACE LOOKS INTO HER BLOUSE AND TRIES TO FISH OUT THE NOOLDES WITH HER CHOPSTICKS.]
KAREN: Honey, what-- Why don't you just use your fingers?
GRACE: No. I wanna get it the way the Chinese do.
TOM: You know, the last time I saw you, I think you were trying to get my hand out of there.
GRACE: [LAUGHS] Good to see you, Tom.
KAREN: Oh, he's cute. And I usually find redheads hideous.
[GRACE LOOKS AT KAREN.]
KAREN: [TO TOM] So... tell me... [SEDUCTIVELY] does the carpet match the drapes?
TOM: I don't know... I've got wood floors.
GRACE: [TO TOM] This is my assistant, Karen. And she was just leaving to drink in the bathroom.
KAREN: Oh, God, I forgot about that.
[KAREN WALKS OVER TO PICK UP HER PURSE.]
KAREN: [TO TOM] Uh, listen, Richie Cunningham-- I'd love it if you could come to my benefit as well. My treat. Anyone who's slept with Grace deserves a free meal.
[KAREN EXITS THE OFFICE.]
TOM: [TO GRACE] You know, I'm sure she's a good assistant, but when I called earlier, she answered, "Beverley Leslie is a homosexual".
GRACE: Look at you. It's like I haven't changed at all.
TOM: You mean, "You haven't changed at all".
GRACE: Oh, that's sweet.
TOM: I guess you're wondering why I'm here.
GRACE: [SMILING] I think I have a hunch.
[A WOMAN ENTERS THE OFFICE, VIV.]
VIV: Oh, sorry I'm late. You must be Grace.
GRACE: Oh, and you must be...
TOM: My wife, Viv.
[GRACE IS THROWN SLIGHTLY OFF TRACK.]
GRACE: Right. Viv. Hi, Viv, wife.
[GRACE SHAKES VIV'S HAND.]
VIV: [TO TOM] So did you tell her?
GRACE: No, he didn't tell me.
TOM: Well, I haven't had a chance. Grace, Viv and I bought a hotel in Tribeca. And we want you to design it.
GRACE: Wow. A hotel. That is-- That sounds really...exciting. Wow! Tom got married.
GRACE: That is so great.
VIV: Yeah. Isn't it great?
GRACE: [SNAPPING] I said it was great.
SCENE VI: The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Egyptian Exhibit
(There are numerous guests at the Walker benefit, including Beverley Leslie and his business associate, Benji, Will, Grace, Jack, and Tom. Karen is standing at a podium, speaking into a microphone.)
KAREN: Welcome to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for the Stanley Walker Foundation Benefit. Oh. Stanley loved ancient Egyptian culture. They invented the pyramid, which later became the pyramid scheme... A way to fool poor people into thinking that they can be rich. Oh. Enjoy your evening.
[KAREN STEPS AWAY FROM THE PODIUM AND IS STOPPED BY BEVERLEY LESLIE.]
BEVERLEY: Where was my apology--
BEVERLEY: for calling me a homosexual?
KAREN: Oh, relax, Fruit-ankh-amen, you'll get your apology.
[MALCOLM WALKS UP TO WILL AND GRACE.]
MALCOLM: Will Truman?
WILL: Malcolm? What a coincidence.
MALCOLM: Is it? Or have I been following you all day?
[GRACE AND WILL LOOK AT MALCOLM APPREHENSIVELY.]
MALCOLM: I'm just kidding. Maybe you've been following me. If you are, stop it.
[WILL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
WILL: Oh, um, Grace, this is the, um, fellow I was talking about who I met in the park.
GRACE: Oh, the guy who likes Will's writing. You're a real person. I just lost a bet with myself. [LAUGHS]
MALCOLM: Well, I wouldn't worry about this one. He's going to become a great writer, like Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Wolff.
WILL: Didn't they all kill themselves?
MALCOLM: But they had fun.
WILL: Did they?
[MALCOLM WALKS AWAY.]
[JACK WALKS UP TO KAREN. HE'S FOLLOWED BY HIS ASSISTANT DAVE, WHO IS CARRYING A SMALL VIDEO CAMERA.]
JACK: Hey, Karen, uh, thanks for letting us film here. We're shooting a segment where we ask straight people questions about gay culture. And if they get 'em wrong-- [LAUGHS] We throw water on them.
[RANDALL WALKS UP TO JACK.]
JACK: Hi, Randall, yes, you're late. So, um, let me quickly just go over the two rules to a Jack McFarland set, okay? Uh, be on time. All right? And only members of the crew are allowed to touch a crew's member. Okay?
RANDALL: [ANNOYED] [SCOFFS] Just back off my jock, okay, dinkus?
KAREN: [TO RANDALL] Hey... who's this little fella? [IN A BABY VOICE] How many fingers old are you, big guy? Hmm?
RANDALL: What? Bitch, I got a beard and three gray pubes.
KAREN: Oh, you know lots of words.
[ACROSS THE ROOM, TOM WALKS UP TO GRACE.]
GRACE: I'm sorry about this afternoon. It was a little weird. Why didn't you tell me you were married?
TOM: I'm sorry, I-- I thought I did when I sent you an invitation that said "Tom and Viv are getting married".
GRACE: Oh... I bet it came during my divorce. I didn't open any piece of mail with calligraphy or a stamp that said "Love" on it. Anyway, where's Viv?
TOM: She left. Somebody asked her who won the Tony award for Best Featured Actress in a Musical in 1975. And when she didn't know, they threw a bucket of water on her.
[ROSARIO ENTERS. AS SHE PASSES WILL, HE STOPS HER.]
WILL: Oh, Rosario, I-- Look, I'm doing some writing on social injustice, you know, the battle between the classes?
ROSARIO: You want to interview me?
WILL: No, no, I just want to jot something down. Could you hold my glass?
ROSARIO: Sleep with your lights on, white devil. Your time is coming.
[RANDALL, JACK, AND DAVE ARE LOOKING AROUND TO FILM SOMEONE.]
RANDALL: Man, I'm tired of asking faggy questions to straight people. And why is the answer always Betty Buckley, asschump?
JACK: Okay, well, um, I appreciate the constructive criticism, and, um, I, uh, I love my new nickname, so, uh... Let's move on, let's just move on.
RANDALL: No, no, no, I'm bored. Later, Beave. I'm gonna go try and use my celebrity to get me some strange.
[RANDALL LOOKS AROUND AND WALKS OFF. KAREN WALKS UP TO JACK.]
KAREN: You all having fun, honey?
JACK: No! Randall won't do anything I say. And I don't know why. I'm, like, the nicest person I know.
BEVERLEY: Karen, I really gotta--
JACK: Beat it, homo!
[JACK GRABS BEVERLEY BY THE JACKET AND PUSHES HIM ACROSS THE ROOM.]
[WILL WALKS UP TO GRACE AND TOM.]
WILL: Hey, Grace.
GRACE: Hey. Will, you remember Tom.
WILL: Oh, of course.
TOM: I remember you too. You're the guy that ate half a brownie and freaked out on my floor that night.
WILL: Heh-heh... Yeah, you could imagine my embarrassment when I found out there were--there were no drugs in it.
TOM: So, Will, if I get Grace another drink, are you gonna get me kicked out of the dorm again?
[TOM WALKS OFF TO GET CHAMPAGNE.]
[GRACE LAUGHS AND SNORTS.]
GRACE: I forgot what a narc you were. [LAUGHS]
WILL: Excuse me, there was a war on drugs in this country. Plus, I got half a credit for every guy I turned in. I don't trust him. You know, you know he's into you?
GRACE: Oh, please. He's married. You should just worry about your own guy. Yeah, your "talent scout" from the park?
WILL: Malcolm thinks I have a wonderful gift.
GRACE: Or does he think you have a wonderful package?
[JACK GRABS RANDALL AND DRAGS HIM BACK INTO THE ROOM OVER TO DAVE, WHO IS FILMING.]
JACK: All right, I need to word with you, Randall. I need a word with you right now. You listen to me. I'm the producer, all right? Got it? I'm in charge. So when I say "Jump", you say, "In what shoes?"
RANDALL: Hey! nobody talks to me like that, okay? You're dead, man! I'm gonna rip off both your arms, I'm gonna flip you off with one of 'em, and--and then I'm gonna beat you with the other one! [SHOUTING] Are you ready to get your ass kicked?
[RANDALL HOLDS UP HIS FISTS.]
[JACK HAULS BACK AND SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE FACE.]
RANDALL: [GASPS] You slapped me.
JACK: Well, you were gonna attack me.
RANDALL: [CRYING] I haven't been slapped since my mom used to hit me when I didn't get a callback.
JACK: Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean--
RANDALL: No! Get away from me! [SCREAMS] I hate you! And I quit! You have just become the top of my list of enemies. You have just leapt right past Wilmer Valderrama. [SHOUTING] Congratulations, buddy!
[KAREN HAS TAKEN THE PODIUM AND BEGINS TALKING INTO THE MICROPHONE.]
KAREN: I have a quick announcement. We have raised $ 250,000 for the Stanley Walker Foundation. It goes to fix the foundation of Stanley Walker's house on Sag Harbor. [LAUGHS] I'm just kidding! It goes to poor people or chicks or something...
[KAREN BEGINS TO WALK AWAY, BUT BEVERLEY STEPS UP AND STOPS HER.]
BEVERLEY: [QUIETLY] Not so fast. Isn't there something else that you need to say?
KAREN: Oh, right... What was it that I was supposed to apologize for, again? What did I say?
BEVERLEY: [QUIETLY] You know...that I was [WHISPERS] a homosexual!
BEVERLEY: [LOUDER] That I'm a homosexual.
BEVERLEY: [EVEN LOUDER] I'm a homosexual.
[KAREN MOVES THE MICROPHONE IN FRONT OF BEVERLEY'S FACE.]
BEVERLEY: I'm a homosexual!
KAREN: That's right, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it here first. Out loud and proud, Beverley Leslie. Can we give him a hand?
[MALCOLM WALKS UP BEHIND WILL, AND STANDS DIRECTLY BEHIND HIM.]
MALCOLM: Tickle, tickle, it's Uncle Malcolm.
WILL: [STARTLED] Oh! Listen, can I ask you something, and it's--it's unrelated to that whole sort of Uncle-tickle thing you just did. You-- You're not... into me, are you?
MALCOLM: No, I'm not. I mean, I think you're a great-looking guy and all, but I'm into women. I don't care if they were born that way, so long as they are now.
WILL: Well, that's great. So it is my writing that you like?
MALCOLM: Oh, I love it, but I may be the only one. I heard from my contacts at The New Yorker. They didn't really care for it.
WILL: Well, what'd they say exactly?
MALCOLM: They said they're going to enter your name into a database. If it comes up again, a warning will pop up with a deafening alarm.
WILL: Well, I... Damn it, I quit my job as a lawyer to help people. And I'm not gonna let a few rejections get in my way.
MALCOLM: Did you say that you were a lawyer?
WILL: I was, yeah.
MALCOLM: Oh, my gosh, now I know why we keep bumping into each other. This is fate. I had my own charitable foundation, and I've been looking for a lawyer to help me run it. You could be helping needy children and there's dental.
WILL: Helping children in need?
WILL: That's great!
WILL: And I could write about it too!
MALCOLM: N-n-no! The database.
WILL: Oh, yeah.
MALCOLM: We deserve a snack. Get your coat, we're going to Serendipity.
WILL: Five minutes ago, I had no job and I felt like dessert. Now look at me!
[WILL EXCITEDLY RUNS OFF TO GET HIS COAT. MALCOLM DIALS HIS CELL PHONE.]
MALCOLM: [INTO PHONE] He's on the hook. Operation Getting Will Truman To Be A Lawyer Again is a success. I know it's long, but it says what it is. And we agreed that I could name the top secret operation this week, and you could get the bagels.
[MALCOLM HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
SCENE VII: Out TV, Jack's Office
(Jack is crying on his assistant Dave's shoulder. Dave is clearly uncomfortable.)
JACK: [SOBBING] My show is gone, Elizabeth! It's gone!
[JAMIE ENTERS THE OFFICE.]
JACK: Oh! Oh, hey, Jamie. I'm really sorry about what happened with Randall.
JAMIE: It's okay, Jack. I saw some of that video from the museum. Sister, you are pretty on camera.
JACK: Are you asking me out?
JAMIE: No, I was gonna ask you to host the show. We'll talk about your contract over drinks.
[JAMIE EXITS JACK'S OFFICE.]
JACK: Oh, my God!
[JACK RINGS THE BELL ON HIS DESK.]
JACK: I'm gonna host my own talk show! We did it, Elizabeth, we did it!
[JACK GRABS DAVE'S HANDS AND TRIES TO JUMP AND TWIRL AROUND. JACK PUSHES DAVE INTO THE WALL.]
JACK: Oh, forget it! You even twirl like a straight man!
SCENE VIII: The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Egyptian Exhibit
(Tom and Grace are talking. There are the last ones left in the exhibit.)
GRACE: Wow. Wow, I can't believe how long we've been here. And I never even looked at any of the art. Heh-heh....
TOM: Well, we could do it now.
GRACE: Too many stairs.
TOM: You're right. This old crap ain't going anywhere.
GRACE: Well, uh... I guess I should go home.
TOM: Yeah. Yeah, we start work tomorrow.
GRACE: Mm, bright and early.
[TOM KISSES GRACE ON THE CHEEK. TOM GOES IN TO KISS GRACE ON THE LIPS AND SHE BACKS UP AND STOPS HIM.]
GRACE: Whoa-- No, no.
TOM: What? No--
TOM: I didn't mean--
GRACE: You're married.
TOM: I know--
GRACE: I don't do that.
TOM: I'm sorry.
GRACE: It can't happen again.
TOM: I won't, I promise.
GRACE: Okay. Goodnight.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY. SHE STOPS IN FRONT OF A LARGE EGYPTIAN RAM AND HAS TO GO AROUND IT.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO HERSELF] Who the hell put this freakin' ram here?