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SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS WASHING HIS MOTHER'S PANTYHOSE IN THE KITCHEN SINK. MARILYN IS IN THE BEDROOM.]
WILL: [TO MARILYN] Mom, these pantyhose are shot. I'll stop by the drugstore and get you some more later on.
MARILYN [VOICE/OFF-SCREEN]: Oh, while you're there, will you get something for that itch I told you about at breakfast?
WILL: I'm way ahead of you. I've already cut out a coupon. [TO HIMSELF] Someone please kill me.
[KAREN BURSTS IN.]
KAREN: Hey, Wilma, I need your help. Remember Lorraine Finster, the dame who stole my husband and tried to bump me off? Well, I think I found her. Private Dick said he dug up an "L. Finster" at the Hotel Knickerbocker. Come on, let's go down there and give her the what for.
WILL: As much as I love to put on a trench coat and go looking for your grip on reality, I can't. I have to take care of my mom.
KAREN: Oh, how sweet. A gay man living with his mother. Would you like me to preheat the oven, or you wanna just jump right in?
[MARILYN WHEELS HERSELF OUT INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
MARILYN: Oh, hello, Karen. You know, I took your advice about overcoming pain with visualization. And you were right. So I'm just gonna throw these painkillers away.
[MARILYN HOLDS UP A PILL BOTTLE. KAREN TAKES THE BOTTLE.]
KAREN: I'll throw them away for you. Right in the trash...
[KAREN POPS ONE OF THE PILLS INTO HER MOUTH.]
[MARILYN WHEELS OVER TO THE STAIRS LEADING UP TO THE KITCHEN AND BALCONY.]
[MARILYN STARTS TO GET UP OUT OF HER CHAIR.]
WILL: Mom, what are you doing?
MARILYN: Oh, I want to go out to the terrace. I need some fresh air.
WILL: Well, let me help you.
MARILYN: Oh, no, I don't want to be a pain, honey.
WILL: You're not a pain.
[WILL PUSHES MARILYN BACK DOWN IN THE CHAIR.]
WILL: The doctor said you're very fragile right now. And you have got--
[WILL ROUGHLY PULLS THE CHAIR UP THE FIRST STEP.]
WILL: To take--
[WILL PULLS THE CHAIR UP THE SECOND STEP.]
WILL: --it easy.
[WILL PUSHES THE CHAIR THROUGH THE TERRACE DOOR.]
KAREN: Careful, Baby Jane.
MARILYN: Will, why is she calling you "Baby Jane"? Is that a gay thing?
[WILL SHUTS THE DOOR TO THE TERRACE.]
WILL: [TO KAREN] Am I a horrible person if part of me wishes that when I go outside, there's just an empty chair?
KAREN: Enough with that! Remember Lorraine, the husband who stole my dame and tried to bump me off? Private Knickerbocker says she's at the Hotel Dick! Let's get her!
WILL: I can't, I told you. I've got to wheel mother through the park this afternoon. And then later on, I'll be scattering the ashes of my sex life in the Hudson.
[JACK ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE BROWN BOX.]
JACK: Hey, guys, look what I got. I put together a care package for Grace. You know, so she knows we're thinking about her while she's far away. Do you have her address in Pittsburgh?
[JACK PULLS OUT A PEN AND WAITS FOR WILL TO GIVE THE ADDRESS.]
WILL: She's in Cambodia.
JACK: Ooh, sounds like a lot of stamps just to mail a condom.
[JACK TOSSES THE BOX OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
KAREN: Oh, enough of that. Jackie, I need your help. Remember Lorraine, the dame who stole my bump and tried to husband me off? Well, the Finster hotel is private dick-n-knockers. Wanna come?
SCENE II: Central Park
[WILL IS PUSHING MARILYN THROUGH THE PARK. WILL SEEMS BORED.]
[A HOT GUY WALKS BY. WHILE CHECKING HIM OUT, WILL ISN'T PAYING ATTENTION AND PUSHES MARILN'S WHEELCHAIR INTO ANOTHER WHEELCHAIR.]
[TOM, AN ATTRACTIVE GUY ABOUT WILL'S AGE, HAS ALSO TAKEN HIS WHEELCHAIR-BOUND MOTHER, RUTH--AN ELDERLY LADY WHO APPEARS TO BE SLEEPING--FOR A STROLL THROUGH THE PARK.]
WILL: Ooh, God, I'm sorry. I didn't even see you there.
TOM: Oh, that's okay. [TO RUTH] Mother? Are you okay? [TO WILL] Didn't even wake her. She's a stickler for getting her 20 hours.
WILL: Well, I--I wasn't even paying attention.
MARILYN: He has the unenviable task of being my caretaker.
TOM: Oh, I'm sure he doesn't mind.
WILL: No, I do.
TOM: I'm Tom.
[WILL SHAKES TOM'S HAND.]
TOM: And this is my mother, Ruth. [TOM RUBS HIS MOTHER'S SHOULDER.]
WILL: Well, I-I-I'm Will. And this is Marilyn. She's my mother. Although people say we look like sisters. [WILL LAUGHS] That was stupid. I don't know why I said that.
TOM: I thought it was funny. I love your wheelchair.
WILL: Thank you, I, uh, I rented it.
TOM: Is that a Roll King 2000?
MARILN: Well, if the Roll King is the cheapest one made, then yes, it is.
[WILL LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.]
WILL: Take a nap, mother.
TOM: You know, you can make Marilyn more comfortable by getting her some adjustable foot pads.
WILL: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Wh-where would I find something like that?
TOM: There's this cute little hospital supply store in Tribeca. I could write it down for you.
WILL: Great. Thank you, th-that sounds great.
MARILYN: Okay, I'm gonna get my lemonade. You boys keep flirting.
[MARILYN ROLLS OFF TO THE CONCESSION STAND.]
WILL: Mom, we're not flirting. [TO TOM] Are we?
TOM: I was. Your mother's adorable.
WILL: Oh, thank you. Uh, yours too.
TOM: She's my best friend. Do you think that's weird?
WILL: No. No, no. No, I feel the same way about mine.
TOM: That's so good to hear, because so many guys I meet, it's like their mothers are impositions. It's such a turn-off.
WILL: [SCOFFS] They sicken me.
TOM: Our mothers gave us life. They nourished us. They were our dates to the prom.
WILL: Oh, I-- Listen, th-th-the greatest tragedy of my life was the day they yanked me from the breast of that saint. Heh...
TOM: If it's possible, you just got 10-percent cuter.
[MARILYN WHEELS UP TO WILL.]
MARILYN: Will, I saw a hobo who looks like your cousin Kathy. Would you go over and ask her if she is.
TOM: Well, we'd better get going. I'm perming Ruth's hair this afternoon.
WILL: Oh, you're kidding. I'm doing Marilyn's hair.
MARILYN: [QUIETLY] Oh, you're not getting near Marilyn's hair.
[WILL NUDGES MARILYN ON THE BACK OF HER HEAD.]
TOM: [TO WILL] Will we see you here tororrow?
WILL: Absolutely. We're here every day.
MARILYN: We are?
WILL: Yes, we are. [TO TOM] Heh-heh. She's very forgetful. Older than she looks. Had a lot of work done.
SCENE III: The Knickerbocker Hotel
[KAREN AND JACK FIND ROOM 518.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Here it is, Jackie. Room 518, Lorraine's room. Ha-ha! We got her now!
JACK: So, what are you gonna do when you see her?
KAREN: Hm. I've dedicated my entire life to finding her. But I haven't really thought this through.
JACK: Well, let's see. Lorraine is from England. So if you really wanted to hurt her, you could hold her down and make her watch the American version of anything British.
KAREN: Or-- Or-- I could do to her what she did to Stan. Have sex with her until she dies! Yep, that's what I'm gonna do.
[KAREN BANGS ON THE DOOR.]
KAREN: Open up, Lorraine! And put on a condom! [TO JACK] Huh, guess she's not here. Well, we'll just have to wait until she gets back.
[KAREN SITS IN AN ARM CHAIR IN THE HALLWAY.]
JACK: And as your friend, Karen, I want you to know that I will wait with you for as long as it takes.
[JACK LOOKS AROUND A BIT.]
JACK: I am hungry for so string cheese. I may or may not be back.
KAREN: Hey, if you do come back, will you pick me up a Little Debbie?
JACK: Oh, you love your Little Debbies.
KAREN: I do, Jackie. I really do.
[KAREN SIGHS AND LOOKS AT HER WATCH.]
[KAREN IMPATIENTLY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AGAIN.]
[KAREN NOTICES A TRANSOM WINDOW ABOVE THE DOOR AND GASPS.]
[KAREN PUSHES THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF THE DOOR AND STANDS ON IT.]
[SHE TRIES TO JUMP UP TO THE WINDOW, BUT CAN'T REACH IT.]
[A TALL, MIDDLE-AGED MAN WALKS UP AND SEES KAREN STANDING ON THE CHAIR. HER BEHIND IS AT HIS EYE-LEVEL.]
LYLE: [BRITISH ACCENT] And I thought I was gonna have to leave the hotel to do my sightseeing today.
KAREN: Hey, beanpole. Give me an alley-oop.
LYLE: And what's the matter? Have you lost your key?
KAREN: No, just prefer going in this way.
LYLE: Well, look, if you want me to help you, you've got to tell me what you're up to.
KAREN: Okay, look. The woman in that room wronged me something bad. Now I'm going in there to sex the life out of her!
LYLE: I thought it was something like that.
LYLE: Here, I'm not sure how high I'm gonna be able to lift you. My shoulder's a bit wonky-- Vietnam.
[LYLE SITS IN THE CHAIR. KAREN SITS ON THIS SHOULDERS.]
KAREN: Oh, terrible war. So many manicurists lost their shops.
LYLE: This happened last May. I was shot by a hooker.
[LYLE STANDS UP, WITH KAREN SITTING ON THIS SHOULDERS.]
[THE HOTEL MANAGER WALKS BY.]
MANAGER: Good morning. Enjoying your stay at the Knickerbocker?
LYLE: Very, very nice, thank you.
KAREN: You know, these hallways are rather narrow. I had to walk right over this man.
[THE MANAGER SMILES AND CONTINUES ON.]
KAREN: Whew, that was close. Okay, get me up here!
[LYLE LIFTS KAREN UP. SHE PUSHES OPEN THE WINDOW AND HOISTS HERSELF UP.]
[CUT TO THE INSIDE OF THE ROOM. KAREN IS HALFWAY IN THE WINDOW, LOOKING IN.]
KAREN: Oh, no, it's not gonna work. There's no tall British guy on this side.
LYLE: [VOICE/FROM OUTSIDE THE DOOR] Well, that-- Perhaps I can help you there.
[LYLE OPENS THE DOOR AND WALKS IN. KAREN IS PERCHED ON THE TRANSOM, HALF IN THE ROOM.]
KAREN: Hey! How'd you get that key?
LYLE: Well, it's my room.
KAREN: But you're not Lorraine Finster.
LYLE: No, I'm her father, Lyle. Hello.
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
WILL: Come on, mom. We're gonna be late. What are you doing out of your chair?
MARILYN: I'm walking. You can finally be rid of me.
WILL: No, no, no, no, no! No, this is not good! No, you are--you are right at the crucial point of your healing process. You could set the whole thing back!
[WILL BACKS MARILYN BACK INTO THE CHAIR AND SITS HER DOWN.]
MARILYN: Oh, Will, come on, I'm fine.
[MARILYN TRIES TO STAND BACK UP, BUT WILL BLOCKS HER.]
WILL: Marilyn, you're not.
MARILYN: I spoke to the doctor.
WILL: I want a second opinion from someone who says that you gotta stay in the chair.
[WILL PUSHES MARILYN BACK DOWN WHEN SHE TRIES TO GET UP.]
MARILYN: For god's sake, will you just ask him out? You don't need me.
WILL: I do need you. Right now the thing that Tom likes best about me is how much I pretend to love you
MARILYN: Yes, honey, but I get stuck with the mother. I mean, she's 120. She was a nurse at the battle of Gettysburg. No, I can't do it! I cannot possibly think of one more thing to say to that old bag of bones.
[CUT TO LATER IN THE PARK. WILL AND TOM ARE STANDING TALKING. MARILYN AND RUTH ARE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER TALKING.]
MARILYN: [TO RUTH] So, you still feel the arthritis, even though you no longer have the leg?
[MARILYN SHOOTS WILL A FAKE SMILE. WILL WAVES.]
SCENE V: The Knickerbocker Hotel, Room 518
KAREN: You're her father? I can't believe that bitch has a father.
LYLE: Well, the bitch does. Would you like some-- Would you like some tea?
KAREN: No, I would not like some tea!
LYLE: Would you like some scotch?
KAREN: Yes, I would like some scotch!
[LYLE POURS A GLASS OF SCOTCH FOR HIMSELF AND KAREN.]
KAREN: So, where is she? Where's Lorraine?
LYLE: You can't expect me to tell you that. You told me yourself that you were going to kill her with your sexual powers, I mean-- What sort of a father would I be if I just handed her over to you?
KAREN: All right, then. I'll find her on my own.
KAREN: Or what?
LYLE: Or we can make an arrangement. Perhaps for every kiss you give me, I could give you a piece of information.
KAREN: That's outrageous! You must think I'm a common whore! So, do you want my top on or off?
LYLE: Well, I'm a gentleman. So why don't you keep it on, and I'll rip it off?
[KAREN AND LYLE RAISE THEIR GLASSES AND NOD TO EACH OTHER, THEN SIT ON THE COUCH.]
KAREN: Do you know where she is?
[KAREN AND LYLE GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS MADLY.]
KAREN: Where is she?
[KAREN AND LYLE GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS MADLY.]
LYLE: I don't know.
KAREN: Didn't you just say you knew where she was?
[KAREN AND LYLE GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS MADLY, KAREN ROLLS ON TOP OF LYLE, AND ROLLS OVER ONTO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SOFA.]
LYLE: Yes, I did.
KAREN: Wait a minute. You have no idea where she is. You're just scamming me so I'll keep kissing you! Aren't you?
[KAREN AND LYLE GRAB EACH OTHER AND KISS MADLY.]
LYLE: Yes, I am.
KAREN: Hmmpph. I can't believe I fell for this. You and your daughter are both the same. Tall British men with moustaches that tickle when we kiss.
SCENE VI: Central Park
[WILL AND TOM ARE SITTING WITH EACH OTHER. MARILYN AND RUTH ARE SITTING IN THEIR WHEELCHAIRS NEARBY.]
TOM: Look at 'em over there. Partners in crime. Thick as thieves. Don't you wish you had a camera?
WILL: I imagine Ruth's very photogenic. She was stunning in your prom photo.
TOM: [SMILES] Hmm. It's a wonderful age. I can't wait to catch up to her. [SINGING] Wouldn't it be nice if we were older...
[WILL JOINS IN]
TOM AND WILL: [SINGING] And we wouldn't have to wait so long...
TOM: That was fun.
[MARILYN ROLLS UP.]
MARILYN: Tom, your mother's partial's come loose. And, um-- I I didn't know. My hands just aren't clean enough.
TOM: Thank God for Purell.
[TOM PULLS A SMALL BOTTLE OF PURELL OUT OF HIS POCKET AND CLEANS HIS HANDS. HE WALKS OFF TO TAKE CARE OF MOTHER.]
MARILYN: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Maybe if she'd stop talking for five minutes, it'd stay in. "Oh, look at my pretty hair. Do you like my pretty hair?" Please. I've got potatoes with prettier hair.
TOM: Marilyn? Mother thinks you're such a good listener.
MARILYN: Oh, well, I'm just in love with her.
[MARILYN ROLLS BACK OVER TO RUTH.]
WILL: So, Tom-- I'm thinking, what about dinner tonight?
TOM: We'd love to. Have you been to Serendipity? Mother just loves how soft their entrees are.
WILL: I was thinking maybe more just you and me.
TOM: Oh. Leave her? On Jiffy Pop night?
[TOM THINKS FOR A SECOND.]
TOM: You know what? Let's do it. Let me just run it by the general.
[TOM WALKS OVER TO RUTH.]
SCENE VII: The Knickerbocker Hotel, Room 518
LYLE: [INTO PHONE] Uh, hello, Lyle Finster here. Early this evening, I placed a reservation for a petite Asian lady companion. Yes, well, I won't be needing her after all. Yes, I have the confirmation number here. Yes, sir. B-X-L-4-9. Thank you. Cheers. [HANGS UP.]
[A TAPPING AT THE DOOR. LYLE OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S JACK.]
JACK: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for my friend. A bosomy spitfire? Big bosom? Spits fire? Have you seen her?
LYLE: Seen her, kissed her, felt her bottom.
JACK: Nice, isn't it?
LYLE: Lyle Finster. [HOLDS OUT HIS HAND.]
JACK: Finster? Finster! I'm Jack McFarland, nice to meet you.
[JACK SHAKES HIS HAND.]
JACK: So, was Karen here? I have a tasty snack for her.
[JACK HOLDS OUT A PACKAGE OF LITTLE DEBBIE SWISS CAKE ROLLS.]
LYLE: So did I. But unfortunately, she didn't want it.
JACK: [GIGGLES] You're dirty. Dirty with a German accent. Doesn't get any better.
LYLE: Thank you, I-I-I'm sorry, but your friend isn't here. I-I-I tried to get her to stay, but unfortunately, she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. You see, I am the father of her rival.
JACK: Candy Bergen?
LYLE: Lorraine Finster. I am the father of Lorraine Finster.
JACK: Finster! You're Lorraine Finster's father!
LYLE: Clever. Now, you know where Karen is. Because I have to find her. I mean, I cancelled Lili for her. And Rita... but that's a whore of a different color.
JACK: Forget it! Karen is my closest friend, and I'm not going to do anything to help you! You're the enemy!
LYLE: That's exactly what she said. But, uh, we managed to negotiate after a series of kisses. I don't suppose that would work for you, would it?
JACK: Don't be so sure.
SCENE VIII: Tom's Apartment Building, Lobby
[TOM AND WILL ARE RETURNING TO TOM'S APARTMENT AFTER THEIR DINNER DATE.]
TOM: I wasn't sure about leaving mother alone, but I'm glad I did. I can't remember the last time I went to a restaurant after 5:30.
[TOM PUSHES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
WILL: Heh. So, do you really like me, or do you always cut up your date's meat?
TOM: I like you.
TOM: Let's do this again.
WILL: I'd like that. Here's your penne. I had them double-wrap it.
[WILL HANDS TOM THE BAG OF LEFTOVERS.]
TOM: Mister... you know the way to a man's heart.
[WILL AND TOM LEAN IN TO KISS, WHEN THE ELEVATOR DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS. AN EMT WORKER PULLS A GURNEY THROUGH.]
EMT WORKER: Excuse us! Coming through!
TOM: What happened?
EMT WORKER: Old lady got hurt. She was making Jiffy Pop and her wrist snapped.
[TOM REALIZES IT'S HIS MOTHER. TOM BENDS DOWN TO RUTH, LAYING ON THE GURNEY.]
RUTH: [CRYING] I was alone! I wanted popcorn.
[THE EMTs ROLL RUTH AWAY.]
TOM: [CRYING] My poor mother. [TO WILL] Why did you make me leave her? This is your fault! [CRYING] She needed me and I wasn't there for her!
[TOM THROWS THE DOGGIE BAG ON THE GROUND AND STOMPS ON IT.]
WILL: Did-- She-- She just hurt her wrist. I mean, th-the woman is missing a leg!
TOM: [CRYING] She could have died, mother hater! That's right, mother hater! And to think I was going to suggest the four of take a disabled cruise together! [YELLING OFF TO RUTH] Buck up, general!
[TOM WALKS OFF TO CATCH UP TO HIS MOTHER.]
[WILL PICKS UP THE SMASHED DOGGIE BAG.]
WILL: [TO TOM] So, lunch tomorrow?
SCENE IX: Grace Adler Designs
[KAREN PICKS UP A MAGAZINE.]
KAREN: Ah, Oprah. What are you doing on that horse?
LYLE: Hello, Karen.
KAREN: What the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?
LYLE: Well, shortly after you left, a queer little fellow turned up with this.
[LYLE PULLS OUT THE SWISS CAKE ROLLS FROM HIS POCKET.]
KAREN: A Little Debbie. [KAREN TAKES THE PACKAGE.]
LYLE: Look, I wanted to apologize for my behavior. It was wrong of me to mislead you. But the truth is, I don't know where Lorraine is. I mean, we've lost contact. And I was wondering if-- if you and I could look for her together.
KAREN: In your dreams, big Ben.
LYLE: Well, how about dinner then?
KAREN: I've had my dinner.
KAREN: No, thanks.
LYLE: Raunchy sex in the back of a dirty cab?
KAREN: I don't think so.
LYLE: Look, Karen, I know that you felt something when I kissed you. You know how I know?
LYLE: Because unlike a certain Vietnamese person of my acquaintance, you didn't shoot me.
KAREN: The only thing I felt was revulsion. And sloppy bridge work.
LYLE: Look, Karen, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've let a lot of good women go, and a lot of bad women stay. And the ones in the middle-- I've been rather mean to.
LYLE: I'm not a boy anymore. And it's time for me to get relatively serious with someone... that I kind of just met. So, you're not going to get rid of me easily, karen.I'm going to stick to you like bangers to mash.
KAREN: You're not getting your banger anywhere near my mash. I'm not interested in you. Get it?! So scram!
LYLE:All right, I'll leave you this time. But, um-- Before I go--
KAREN: Before you go what?
[LYLE LIFTS HIS EYEBROW. KAREN SIGHS AND JUMPS UP AND STRADDLES HIM AS THEY KISS.]
[LYLE EXITS THE OFFICE.]
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Oooh!
SCENE X: Will's Apartment
[A CAB DRIVER IS HELPING MARILYN WITH HER LUGGAGE.]
WILL: You all set to go?
MARILYN: I think so. Will, darling, I know it's hard for any man to imagine finding romance without the help of his mother, but trust me. It will happen.
WILL: Hmm. If it doesn't, I'll just hobble your other leg and start cruising the park again.
MARILYN: Well, as long as I'm next to an elderly woman with removable parts, I'm there.