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[GRACE GETS IN THE ELEVATOR. LEO FOLLOWS HER IN.]
LEO: Where are you going? You're blowin' this way out of proportion.
GRACE: [SIGHS] You're like a stranger to me... Marvin. I might as well have married my Israeli pen pal from when I was 15 who sent me love letters on Hello Kitty stationary.
LEO: Actually over there it'd be Shalom Kitty.
GRACE: [UPSET] Please don't joke right now. That was weird up there. I don't even know when your birthday is.
LEO: Okay, you wanna know some stuff about me? Here you go. I believe when I hold my breath, the guy on TV's going to make the basket. I'm in a Doors cover band, consisting entirely of surgeons called "The Operating Room Doors." And my deepest, darkest secret is that I don't like any food with raisins in it, but I do like raisins.
GRACE: See, we already have a problem. I love raisins. In everything! I even went to see A Raisin in the Sun because I thought there'd be raisins in it.
LEO: Grace, we have a whole lifetime to get to know each other, baby.
GRACE: I don't know. I don't know. I just wish that there was some way that we could be sure we were doing the right thing, you know. Just... a sign, something.
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. KATIE COURIC IS WAITING TO GET ON.]
GRACE: Katie? Hi!
KATIE: [UNDER HER BREATH] Crap. [TO GRACE AND LEO] Hi! Thanks for watching! Do you have your own pens?
GRACE: No, no, no. It's Grace and Leo. Remember, from the other day in the park. We got married because of you.
LEO: Actually I got a colonoscopy because of you too. Not on the same day, though. And not in the park.
KATIE: Eee, the wedding. Sorry about that.
GRACE: What? What do you mean?
KATIE: No one called you? Ooh, awkward. We're scrapping the whole wedding segment, because the judge performing the ceremony wasn't licensed in New York. So all those marriages are invalid. Oops! Last time I use Tom Brokaw's nephew as my fact checker.
[KATIE GETS IN THE ELEVATOR AND THE DOORS CLOSE.]
GRACE: I guess I wanted a sign, and I think I got it. We're not married.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY. LEO STOPS HER.]
LEO: Hey, Grace. Grace! Hey, hey, hey. We'll go to city hall tomorrow. We'll do it all over again.
GRACE: I don't know that I can.
LEO: Why? Why not? What's changed?
GRACE: Everything has changed. I mean, the first time I said yes, it was impulsive and romantic and to a guy named Leo. And now-- [SIGHS] We know nothing about each other.
LEO: I knew everything I needed to know about you the first time I held your hand. Grace, we're already married. The rest is paperwork.
GRACE: How can you be so sure?
LEO: Because when it's right, you just know. You remember Tuesday? We woke up. I said, "Morning, wife." You said, "Hello, husband." Remember that? Remember how great that was? I want every day to be Tuesday.
GRACE: Every day can't be Tuesday. Today's Saturday, so it can't be Tuesday. Monday can't be Tuesday. Tuesday can't-- Well, Tuesday can, but Wednesday definitely can't be Tues--
LEO: Listen, listen, listen. Just come up with me. And I promise you everything is going to be fine. Please.
GRACE: I can't. I need time. I'm sorry.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY.]
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE, ENJOYING CAKE.]
KAREN: That was wild, wasn't it, Jackie? The way Grace just kind of spooked and ran off. Kind of like Rosie whenever I fire my gun in her room just as she's falling asleep.
JACK: Yeah, she's really upset. I've never seen Grace actually run from a cake.
[LEO ENTERS AND TAKES THE STAGE.]
LEO: Um, hi, everyone. I-I have a little bit of an announcement to make. Grace and I ran into Katie Couric in the lobby--
LEO: And she said that we weren't really married.
LEO: Turns out the judge that married us wasn't really legit, so... Anyway, we have this place till midnight, so stick around, you know. There's cake, there's booze, there's dancing. Well, have fun.
WILL: Leo, hey. I--I'm sorry. You okay?
LEO: I'm about as good as Bill Buckner of the '86 Red Sox.
WILL: Ooh, ouch. I'm sorry.
LEO: Do you even know what that means?
WILL: No, but anybody that's got 43 pairs of red socks obviously had issues. Where's Grace?
LEO: She took off. She--she was pretty freaked out. Can I borrow your phone, man? I think I need to call her.
GRACE: Uh, Leo, I think you might wanna give her some time right now. I know Grace. She's not like you. She's not impulsive. She once bought Impulse perfume and then returned it. That's why this whole getting married in the park thing all seemed so weird to me.
LEO: Yeah, well, I guess I should send everyone home.
[WILL SITS DOWN WITH KAREN AND JACK. LEO GETS ON THE STAGE AGAIN.]
LEO: Hi, it's me again. Listen, you're not going to like what you're about to hear.
GRACE: [ENTERING, HIGH-PITCHED OFF-KEY SINGING] Please don't let this feeling end, it not might come again, and I want to remember.
WILL: [TO KAREN] To be fair, he did say we wouldn't like what we were about to hear. [KAREN NODS.]
LEO: I thought you needed time to think.
GRACE: I did. And I realized I want today to be Tuesday.
[LEO AND GRACE KISS.]
KAREN: It's Tuesday? How long have I been out?
GRACE: Okay. So our first wedding didn't take. But we're havin' another one! And a real one this time. As for all these, ah, these lovely presents, I-I don't really know the protocol. Let's just call them engagement gifts. Bring another one at the wedding.
SCENE IV: The Synagogue
(Guests are arriving... WILL is in the foyer. He takes a skull cap from the basket of kippot and puts it on his head. He moves to the guest book.)
WILL: [TO THE GUESTS] Don't forget to sign the guest book. Okay, who wrote, "If it doesn't work out, call me." That's tacky. Don't forget to sign the guest book.
JACK: [ENTERING] Oh, perfect. I've been looking for this.
[JACK TAKES TWO SKULL CAPS AND PUTS THEM UNDER HIS TUX-COAT AS SHOULDER PADS.]
WILL: That's a little inappropriate!
JACK: Please. This is inappropriate? How about inviting people to watch a man and woman get married? Look how good it makes my shoulders look.
[WILL PULLS HIS OFF AND PUTS IT IN UNDER HIS COAT AND GRABS ANOTHER ONE
JACK: Well, Will. Congratulations. I think you've done a fantastic job at planning this wedding. I take my pants off to you.
WILL: You've gotta be kidding me. The photographer's late. Four people who RSVP'd "no" just arrived with dates. And the cake shows up with two grooms on it. Is the whole city gay?
JACK: Not yet. [WITH ENGLISH ACCENT] But if all goes as planned, come Monday morning... [WRINGS HIS HANDS WITH AN EVIL LAUGH] Mwah-ha-ha-ha!
WILL: And look at these boutonnieres. Dead.
JACK: They're fine.
WILL: They're dead, my friend. They just made contact with John Edward.
WILL: [YELLING AT A GUEST] Hey, hey, hey! Sign that guest book!
JACK: Lady, you're a wreck!
[JACK SLAPS WILL ACROSS THE FACE.]
JACK: But it's understandable. Today's a big day for you. You're not just losing a best friend, you're also losing a hag.
WILL: She's not my hag, okay? She's the most important person in my life, who used to be in love with me, and who for the last 15 years has never left my side. [VOICE BREAKING] She's been a hell of a hag.
[JOE AND LARRY ENTER.]
LARRY: Hey, Will.
[LARRY HUGS WILL.]
LARRY: Hey. Are you okay?
WILL: Sure, why wouldn't I be?
LARRY: 'Cause you're losing your girl. You're single again.
JOE: Boy, I miss those days...
LARRY: That can be arranged!
JOE: I'm joking! I was joking.
[JOE HEADS IN.]
LARRY: [QUIETLY TO WILL] But if you know anyone.
[LARRY FOLLOWS JOE IN.]
[CUT TO GRACE, GETTING READY IN THE DRESSING ROOM. KAREN IS SITTING ON THE COUCH.]
BOBBI: [ENTERING] Knock, knock! Oh, I'm here to see the daughter of the mother of the bride.
GRACE: Come on in, mom, for one minute.
BOBBI: Now, Grace, I don't want you to freak out, but the biggest day of your life is ruined.
BOBBI: Well, your father's back went out. And he can't move.
GRACE: How is he going to walk me down the aisle?
BOBBI: Dear, I don't know. But we'll just put a pastrami sandwich and a TV Guide under the chuppah. He'll find his way.
KAREN: Honey. Have Will walk you down the aisle. Yeah, it'll be perfect. Out with the 'mo, in with the Jew!
GRACE: Will'll love that. He looks so beautiful in his tux.
GRACE: He's not gonna be the most beautiful one there, is he?
KAREN: Oh, honey, come on! Don't be silly. That's crazy talk. I'll be there. Come on.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. LEO'S MOTHER, ELEANOR, ENTERS.]
ELEANOR: Hello?! Oh, Grace. You look so beautiful. Would you mind if I gave you a little advice my mother gave me?
GRACE: Oh, Eleanor, that would mean so much to me.
ELEANOR: Right before the ceremony, make sure you pee. Because I didn't, and I ended up saying all my vows doing that pee-pee dance.
GRACE: Thank you...mom. I guess now I can call you "mom."
ELEANOR: Or Eleanor.
KAREN: Gracela. Now that we have a moment alone together there's something that I wanted to say to you. You know I've always been a little shy when it comes to discussing [WHISPERING] S-E-X. Otherwise known as [WHISPERING] F-U--
GRACE: Know what you're talking about. Karen, I've had sex before.
KAREN: [LAUGHING] Oh, honey, come on. You don't have to pretend anymore. It's me you're talking to. Carol.
KAREN: Oh, pretty. Listen, all I'm saying is it's okay to be scared. It's gonna hurt... Bad. [NODS.]
GRACE: Okay. I'll file that away with your earlier advice on how to lure lesbians to your yacht with Bain du Soleil and a flashlight. What is all this?
KAREN: Well, I guess, honey, it's your wedding. And, I mean, I wanted to be here for you to contribute something meaningful, you know. To be a part of the day.
GRACE: Karen. You are part of the day. You're my friend.
KAREN: Oh, honey. Really?
[KAREN HUGS GRACE.]
KAREN: Oh, look at me. I'm crying.
GRACE: No, you're not.
[CUT TO THE FOYER. WILL IS WATCHING TWO LADIES SIGNING THE GUEST BOOK.]
WILL: Ladies, I said no poems.
[ROB AND ELLEN ENTER.]
ROB: There he is.
ROB: Hey, buddy, how you holdin' up? You need a handshake?
WILL: I'm fine. I'm fine. Ellen, you make a beautiful bridesmaid.
ELLEN: Aw. Eight months pregnant-- Look at the dress she picks for me. [SCOFFS] I hate that skinny bitch.
WILL: Maybe you oughta skip the guest book.
[ROB AND ELLEN HEAD IN.]
[JULIUS, BOBBI'S LONG-TIME PIANIST, ENTERS.]
JULIUS: Are you going to be okay tonight, Will?
WILL: Julius, yes, I'll be fine.
JULIUS: How 'bout tomorrow night?
WILL: Sign the book.
[JULIUS HEADS OVER TO THE GUEST BOOK. LEO ENTERS.]
LEO: Hey, Will.
LEO: Listen, man. I know this is gotta be pretty hard on you.
WILL: It's not hard on me.
LEO: Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to really do my best to make Grace as happy as you have. Well, plus sex.
[LEO HEADS IN.]
WILL: What's the matter with everybody? I'm fine.
WILL: I'm fine!
ROSARIO: Grace needs you in the dressing room.
WILL: Oh, all right.
ROSARIO: [HOLDS OUT HER ARMS TO HUG WILL] Come here, chica!
[WILL WALKS PAST HER.]
[WILL OPENS THE DOOR. GRACE IS STILL IN HER ROBE.]
WILL: Hey. You're not wearing that, are you?
GRACE: Well, it's white.
WILL: Yeah, that's what I mean.
GRACE: I didn't think I was going to be so nervous. But I am. I'm doing the right thing, right?
WILL: Nothing. No, I just-- I'm just saying-- As a friend, I want you to know that if you were thinking of calling it off, don't worry about the people out there. Don't worry about all those gifts. You do what your heart tells you is right.
GRACE: Are you freaking kidding me with this?!
WILL: "If," I said "if."
GRACE: The question was rhetorical. That means you're supposed to say "yes."
WILL: That's not what "rhetorical" means.
GRACE: Are we talking about what "rhetorical" means or about how you're freaking me out right now?
WILL: Am I supposed to answer that or is that rhetorical too?
GRACE: Okay, I don't have time for this, Will. I have to get into my dress.
[GRACE WALKS BEHIND A DRESSING SCREEN TO PUT ON HER DRESS.]
GRACE: [TALKING TO HERSELF] [SIGHS] Who says that? "Don't worry about the people, don't worry about all the gifts." Who does that? An ass, that's who!
WILL: It's a screen, not a soundproof booth.
[CUT TO OUTSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM DOOR. JACK AND KAREN ARE LISTENING IN.]
KAREN: Oh, isn't that sweet? Will's doin' her one last time before he hands her off to Leo.
JACK: I just hope before I get married, he'll do the same for me.
KAREN: Ditto. [LAUGHS]
JACK: Hey, Kar. Can I kiss you?
JACK: Just 'cause.
[JACK AND KAREN GIVE EACH OTHER A SWEET PECK ON THE LIPS.]
JACK: Heh heh.
[KAREN GRABS JACK'S HEAD AND KISSES HIM, KNOCKING HIM BACKWARDS INTO THE WALL.]
[BACK INSIDE THE DRESSING ROOM....]
WILL: All I'm trying to say--
WILL: I just--
WILL: Look at it from my point--
[GRACE MOVES AROUND THE SCREEN, FULLY DRESSED IN HER WEDDING GOWN. SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.]
GRACE: Let me tell you something, mister. This wedding is going to happen. You better get on board, because you've gotta walk me down the aisle.
GRACE: My dad threw his back out. He's bent over like he's trying to pick up a quarter, which is probably how he threw out his back to begin with. So I need you to walk me down the aisle.
WILL: I can't do that. I'm running this show. I-I got a million things to attend to. G-G-G-Get Jack to do it.
GRACE: I'm not having Jack walk me down the aisle. He'll meet someone halfway down and ditch me!
WILL: Well, then-- then get Karen to do it.
GRACE: Karen? When was the last time she could walk a straight line? Besides, I don't want them. I want you!
WILL: Well, I--I can't do it. All right?
GRACE: What do you mean, you can't do it? I need someone to give me away. You're my best friend. I want it to be you. It should be you.
WILL: I don't wanna.
GRACE: You don't "wanna"? Why not? Will?
WILL: Look, Grace, I'll do a lot of things for you. I-I'll plan your wedding. I'll pick the florist. I'll--I'll even let you have input on your dress. But to actually be the one that--that... that hands you off to another guy... that I can't do.
LEO: [KNOCKING] Groom coming in.
[LEO ENTERS, WITH HIS HANDS OVER HIS EYES.]
LEO: I'm not looking. Just wanted to make sure everything was okay in here. People are starting to place bets. Apparently, you've walked out on one of these before. I didn't know about that, but that's cool.
GRACE: Look, Leo--
LEO: Oh, God.
GRACE: No. No, we're getting married. Just--the thing is, Will and I need to take a little walk. So could you just stall them, just a little bit?
[GRACE AND WILL EXIT.]
LEO: Sure, sure, yeah. Just as long as you remember that you and I have to take a little walk as well. I'm a little bit nervous about that track record of yours. Ha ha. Ha ha. Heh. You're gone, aren't you? Okay, I guess this would be as good a time as any to tell you about that stripper at my bachelor party.
SCENE V: A Rooftop
(GRACE has lead WILL up on the rooftop of a building.)
WILL: Grace, what are we doing up here? This is ridiculous. There is no way you're gonna talk me into this.
GRACE: Stop. Now let me talk, okay? You know the story you always tell of when we first met? The one that you told at the reception? The fondue story? I love how you tell it. It's a wonderful story.
WILL: Well, I am a natural storyteller.
GRACE: Yeah. Too bad it's crap.
GRACE: That was the second time we met. The first time was right here, on this roof, at Nancy Jacob's party.
WILL: Nancy Ja-- No, no. That was across from a juice bar.
GRACE: Paradise Juice. Right over there, where that parking lot is. [GRACE POINTS DOWN]
WILL: Oh, typical. They pave Paradise, and they put up a parking lot. You were here?
GRACE: Yup. I thought you were the cutest guy I had ever seen. So I came up to you, and I asked for a drink. And you were so sweet, the way you held that funnel for me.
GRACE: And then I stumbled back to Nancy and I said, "That's the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."
WILL: Well... we say things when we're young. I said Human League would be bigger than the Beatles.
GRACE: Will, I may be getting married today, but when I said I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, I wasn't wrong.
WILL: Well, except--
GRACE: No. I wasn't wrong. Now let's jump.
GRACE: Let's keep going, Thelma.
[WILL LAUGHS. HE KISSES GRACE ON THE LIPS AND THE TWO EMBRACE.]
WILL: [SINGING SOFTLY] You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you...
GRACE: [SINGING SOFTLY] I picked you out and shook you up and turned you around, turned you into someone new...
WILL: Don't tell Leo I had the first dance.
SCENE VI: The Synagogue
(Everyone is waiting patiently for the bride. WILL and GRACE enter.)
WILL: Anybody lose one of these? Hey, a little traveling music, please.
[THE THEME FROM "BRIDESHEAD REVISITED" BEGINS PLAYING AS WILL WALKS GRACE DOWN THE AISLE.]
KAREN: [TO JACK] Honey, look at him. After all these years, Will and Grace are finally getting married. Am I crying yet?
JACK: Still no.
KAREN: How about now?
KAREN: Stick a pin in my arm.
JACK: I am.
[WILL AND GRACE HAVE REACHED THE ALTAR. WILL LIFTS GRACE'S VEIL.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Here we go.
WILL: [QUIETLY] This may be a bad time to tell you this, but... I'm straight.
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Don't make me laugh. I'm being photographed.
WILL: [QUIETLY] Take good care of her. Okay?
LEO: [QUIETLY] I will.
[WILL SHAKES LEO'S HAND. HE WALKS DOWN AND SITS NEXT TO BOBBI.]
RABBI: Hello, everybody. Today we're here to celebrate the marriage of Grace Adler and Marvin Markus.
GRACE AND LEO [BOTH]: Leo.
SCENE VII: Central Park
(WILL, GRACE, LEO, JACK, and KAREN are walking through the park the next morning.)
JACK: Whoo! What a great party. Can't remember the last time I stayed up all night. Oh, wait, Thursday.
WILL: Let me see that ring again. Man, it must've cost you an arm and a leg. Or one of your patients an arm and a leg.
LEO: Not really, I pulled the ring off that arm.
KAREN: Oh, I love diamonds.
JACK: Oh, my god, Karen. You're crying.
GRACE: Look at the size of this thing. I don't want to exaggerate, but I bet you could see this puppy from space.
["TIME OF THE SEASON" BY THE ZOMBIES PLAYS AS THE CAMERA PULLS UP, ZOOMING OUT UNTIL THE ENTIRE EARTH IS SHOWN.]
KAREN'S VOICE: Holy cripes! Am I outside again?