SCENE I: WIll's Apartment
[WILL IS PACKING SOME ITEMS INTO A BACKPACK.]
WILL: Grace, Hurry up. We're gonna be late for our childbirth class.
[GRACE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM.]
GRACE: You know what was a bad idea? Watching Alien last night. Now every time I feel the baby kick, I think it's trying to chew it's way out of me.
WILL: Well, it's your baby. It's gonna chew something. Stop worrying you're gonna be fine. As long as you go to class and do everything right. Have you taken your pre-natal vitamins? Let me see your nails.
[WILL TAKES GRACE HANDS AND LOOKS AT HER FINGERNAILS.]
WILL: Good. Nice and healthy.
GRACE: Wow! Look at your nails. You'd think you were taking pre-natal vitamins, too.
WILL: Yeah, I am. Yeah, my nails are stronger, my hair is thicker. My balls be shrinking, but who cares.
[GRACE LOOKS AT WILL WITH SURPRISE.]
WILL: You know, I use my fabulous hair and nails to draw the men in.
[VINCE ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
VINCE: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. Ever since I made detective, it takes me forever to figure out what I'm gonna wear. You know, the right shirt can really pull together a crime scene.
[VINCE WALKS IN AND KISSES GRACE ON THE CHEEK. HE KISSES WILL ON THE LIPS.]
GRACE: Oh, um... Will and I are just heading out to my childbirth class. He's my-- my labor coach.
WILL: [TO GRACE] I hope that's okay, I asked Vince to come along with us 'cause we're gonna go to the movies later on. But nothing with Nicole Kidman. I'm not a fan since she and Keith Urban became the hot lesbian couple.
JACK: Hey, Vince. Hey, Will. Hey, Grace. [LOOKING DOWN AT GRACE'S STOMACH] Hey, little Jack.
GRACE: I'm not naming my baby Jack.
JACK: What baby? I was talking to my penis. You guys, I'm so freaked out! I just got the first script for my new TV show, "The Badge." And my character, Detective Chuck Rafferty, has to pistol whip somebody.
VINCE: Hey, you know Jack, maybe I could help you. When I was addicted to pain killers, I used to pistol whip people for jaywalking.
JACK: Yeaahhh.... No. I need a man's man. Someone who really knows what it is to be a violent, womanizing alcoholic.
KAREN: Hey, kids.
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
[A BIT LATER. KAREN AND JACK ARE ALONE IN THE APARTMENT. JACK IS LOOKING AT HIS SCRIPT.]
KAREN: Ugh. I'm so glad that Jewpetto and Feynoccio are finally gone. You know, it's really starting to bug me that they are always hanging around here. And, honey, it's perfect because there's so much going on at the manse, I really need to talk to you.
JACK: Karen, I'm sorry, I can't! [SIGHS] I'm due on the set, and I still haven't figured out a way to access anger for my pistol whipping scene.
KAREN: You know, it is hard to stay angry when pistol whipping. I think it's because after the first couple of whacks, you get the giggles. Anyway honey, I really do need to talk to you. This is about my marriage.
JACK: Uh, and this is about television. Right. And right now, I really need you to help me rehearse my scene.
KAREN: Okay. Well, as long as we can talk about my stuff afterward.
[JACK GIVES KAREN A COPY OF THE SCRIPT.]
KAREN: Okay. All right.
JACK: [ACTING] You've got ten seconds 'til I start pounding you like a five dollar whore. You got that, pumpkin?
KAREN: Um. Well. Honey, this says "punk." Are you sure you should be changing the lines?
JACK: You know, you're right. I really should respect the vision of...
[JACK LOOKS AT THE COVER OF HIS SCRIPT.]
JACK: these 26 writers.
KAREN: Wow. Look at those names. It's like Schindler's list. You know, honey, maybe I can help you. You know, back in the day when I was roommates with Stanislovs-- Oh! I mean, Uta Haga-- I mean... Claire Daines. We used to study a technique called "sense memory". Mm-hmm. It's were you recall an earlier experience and then recreate that emotion. It's a form of method acting.
JACK: [SKEPTICAL] Sounds kind of out there. I mean, I've never heard of it. And I taught acting.
KAREN: Well, here's an example. If I had to make myself angry, I would take myself back to... Well, this morning, when Stan was slurping and sawing his way through his usual breakfast. Two poached deer and a half a grapefruit. I felt my stomach... begin to tighten. And I thought, if I have to sit here for one more day, I am literally going to leap across this table and rip his heart right out of his body. [ANGRY] Oh. I mean, I am going to claw my way through the hair and the flesh and the fat, and the internal hair, and more fat... [REACHING OUT] until I hold his beating 40-pound heart in my hand and squeeze until it is still!
[KAREN SQUEEZES HER FIST TIGHTLY.]
JACK: Oh, my God, Karen. I had no idea it was so easy to look angry. All I have to do is squeeze my fist and grimace!
[JACK HOLDS HIS FIST UP AND GRIMACES LIKE KAREN.]
KAREN: Wh--? [SIGHS]
[JACK LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.]
JACK: Cagney and Lacey underwear, I'm late! Thank you so much, Karen. You saved my life.
KAREN: Hey, wait a minute! What about my stuff?! Didn't you hear a word I just said?
JACK: No, I was too busy watching you. I can't look and listen at the same time. I'm not some robot from the future.
[JACK EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE III: Childbirth Class
[VINCE IS SITTING IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF THE CLASS. WILL AND GRACE WALK UP TO VINCE.]
WILL: [TO VINCE] So you're okay out here while we're in class?
VINCE: Oh, God yeah. I got a ton of paperwork. If we're ever gonna catch this lunatic who's been killing people in the subway, I gotta spend all my free time pouring over every detail of this case.
WILL: A subway killer? That's terrifying. We're still going to the movies though later, right?
VINCE: Oh, God, yeah, but we're taking a cab.
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE CLASSROOM. THERE ARE SEVERAL COUPLES AND THE INSTRUCTOR, NANCY. SPERM BANK NURSE SHEILA IS ALSO IN THE CLASS; HER PREGNANT BELLY IS STICKING OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF HER SWEATSHIRT.]
NANCY: Okay, let's get started.
SHEILA: Oh, could we wait another minute? My boyfriend's not here yet.
NANCY: Sheila, I'm sorry, but we can't do this every class.
SHEILA: I know he'll be here. I left 15 messages for him at his wife's house.
WILL: [TO SHEILA] Now I know where I know you from. Didn't you work at a fertility clinic I went to a couple of years ago?
SHEILA: Oh, yeah. You know, after I got fired I took your sperm and put it in my freezer for eight months. Small world.
WILL: Huh. It's probably not any of my business, but that's not mine, is it?
SHEILA: Nah. I went with an Irish guy. I wanna be able to drink with my kid.
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] It just breaks my heart to think of that woman going through this all by herself.
[SHEILA PULLS OUT A CIGARETTE.]
GRACE: Sheila, don't you think you should get rid of that?
SHEILA: I think it's a little too late.
WILL: You know what? I'm gonna get Vince to help her. Although he's probably knee-deep in that research material about the serial killer.
[CUT TO VINCE IN THE HALLWAY, PLAYING WITH A FOLDED PAPER "FORTUNE TELLER". HE COUNTS TO HIMSELF AND MOVES THE PAPER WITH HIS FINGERS AND THEN OPENS A FLAP AND READS IT.]
VINCE: Aw, yes! Six kids and living in a castle!
SCENE IV: The Set of "The Badge"
[JACK IS FINISHING UP A SCENE WITH MIKE A YOUNG, HOT ACTOR.]
DIRECTOR: Cut! Great work, guys.
MIKE: [TO JACK] You were amazing. In that scene Jack, you were so intense! I thought you were going to pistol whip me for real.
JACK: I wanted to. It bugs me when straight people look like you.
[MIKE WALKS AWAY. KAREN WALKS UP TO JACK.]
KAREN: Honey, how'd it go?
JACK: Great, Karen. That stuff you taught me really works.
KAREN: Oh, good. Well, I wanted to watch the scene, but just as it was starting, a red light went on. And... well... old habits die hard.
[KAREN WIPES HER MOUTH. SHE LOOKS OVER TO THE SIDE AND SMILES, WAVES AND NODS TO SOMEONE.]
KAREN: So, honey, remember when I said I needed to talk to you earlier? Well, now, you'll never believe--
[SOMEONE HANDS JACK SOME SCRIPT PAGES.]
JACK: Oh, good. The pages for my next scene.
JACK: I'm sorry, Kare. Go on.
KAREN: Oh, okay. Well, uh, after I left you, I went straight back to the manse because, honey, I finally knew what I needed to do. But then, the most unexpected thing happened--
JACK: Oh, my God, Karen! I have to have sex with a woman! I don't know how to do that. It never occurred to me that my character, womanizer Chuck Rafferty, would have sex with a woman. I thought "womanizer" meant he eliminated women.
KAREN: But, honey, seriously, I really do need to tell you--
JACK: But wait, wait, Karen, I really need your help again.
KAREN: All right.
JACK: Okay. All right. My character makes love to his partner's wife, but then it gets all sad because it can never happen again. Okay, first of all, why is he sad? I mean, he should be happy he doesn't have to have sex with a woman again.
KAREN: Honey, sometimes sex can be very sad. Take this afternoon, when Stan and I made love... Jackie, I had planned to ask him to move out. But then... [SIGHS] I don't know... Our eyes met in the mirror while he was brushing his tooth... And he touched me, Jackie. He touched me in a way that he hasn't touched me since we met. Oh... Twenty years... Twelve heart attacks, and untold melanomas ago. Heh. Poor guy. He's so fat a part of him is always in the sun. [SIGHS] Then as I closed my eyes and surrendered to the moment, I felt all of my rage just slipping away. I missed him. I missed who he was, and who we once were. And then I knew. I knew that... that was the last time that we would ever be together like that again.
[KAREN CLOSES HER EYES AND SIGHS DEEPLY.]
JACK: Perfect. All I have to do is close my eyes and sigh. Then it will be easier for me to imagine the actress playing my partner's wife is actually Kevin Bacon in a Speedo made of Twizzlers.
KAREN: [SIGHS] That's all you got from what I just said? You know, Jack, I've got real problems, and if you're not going to help me, I'm not always going to be here at your beck and call!
[KAREN STOMPS OFF.]
JACK: Kevin Bacon called?!
SCENE V: Childbirth Class
[NANCY PICKS UP A BABY DOLL FROM A BASKET AND SHOWS IT TO THE CLASS.]
NANCY: Now, let's get used to carrying a baby. But, please be careful with them. They were used to train police dogs, so one of them might have a brick of heroin in it.
[VINCE'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
VINCE: Excuse me, I gotta get this. It's either my mother or my captain. I get their numbers confused. They're both bitches.
[VINCE WALKS TO THE CORNER TO ANSWER HIS PHONE.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY TO WILL] Hurry up, I don't want the one that looks like Mena Suvari.
[WILL GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE BASKET.]
WILL: What are you talking about? What plastic baby looks like--
[WILL PICKS UP A FREAKY LOOKING DOLL.]
WILL: Oh there she is.
[WILL GIVES THE UGLY DOLL TO THE NEXT GUY.]
NANCY: Now a few of them are missing arms and legs, so you'll just have to make due.
SHEILA: I'll take one of those. I might as well get used to it. [TO GRACE] So, you're alone, too, huh?
GRACE: Oh, no, no. I'm not alone. I have Will. And, uh, one of these days... I mean, as soon as I get in touch with the father, I'll have him, too.
[VINCE FINISHES UP HIS PHONE CALL AND WALKS UP TO WILL.]
VINCE: [TO WILL] Oh, hey, that was my captain. They found another body in the D-Train. I'm gonna have to pop by the coroner's office.
WILL: That's horrible. Are we gonna miss the movie?
VINCE: Not if we leave now.
WILL: [TO GRACE] Can you finish the class by yourself?
GRACE: Oh. Uh, um... Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. I'll see you later tonight.
WILL: Actually, I'm gonna be at Vince's tonight.
GRACE: Okay. I'll see you when I see you.
WILL: Bye. Oh, this is yours.
[WILL TOSSES AN ARMLESS/LEGLESS BABY DOLL TO GRACE.]
SCENE VI: The Set of "The Badge"
[JACK IS STANDING AROUND IN A BATHROBE DRINKING A BOTTLE OF WATER. KITTY, ONE OF HIS CO-STARS WALKS UP TO HIM.]
KITTY: Jack, can I give you a little constructive criticism?
JACK: Uh, take it up with someone else. I didn't build the sets.
KITTY: No, I-- I actually think we need more rehearsal. I mean, do you want to go over the next scene?
JACK: Okay. [SIGHS] Uh, But I just can't, you know. turn it on. I need some time to get in the character.
[JACK PULLS OUT A BADGE AND PINS IT TO HIS ROBE.]
[KITTY HANDS JACK SOME SCRIPT PAGES.]
KITTY: [ACTING] Chuck. We need to talk about your partner, Darren. Do you even want to know why he walked out of here angry?
JACK: [ACTING] Darren wasn't [FLIPS PAGE] angry.
KITTY: [ACTING] Yes, Darren was. Darren was trying to tell you something, but you were too caught up acting like a big shot cop to actually listen.
JACK: [THINKING] Hmm.
KITTY: Um, the line is "shut up, bitch."
JACK: Oh, I'm sorry. [DEEP VOICE] Shut up, bitch!
KITTY: [ACTING] I won't shut up. YOu and Darren have been friends for years, and you weren't there when he needed you most. Now, he has to use a walker. Look at this picture. Look at it close, Rafferty!
[SHE PRETENDS TO HOLD UP A PICTURE AND POINTS TO IT.]
KITTY: [ACTING] Darren. Walker. Darren, your best friend needed you and you didn't listen.
JACK: Oh, my God. Darren Walker needed me and I didn't listen. I'll be right back.
[JACK WALKS TO THE SET DOOR AND PULLS THE DOOR KNOB. IT COMES OFF IN HIS HAND.]
JACK: Can we get somebody from the constructive crew? I have some criticism for them.
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS MAKING A SHAKE IN THE BLENDER WHILE VINCE FIXES HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR OVER THE FIREPLACE.]
VINCE: Hey, did I tell you we finally caught that subway killer today.
WILL: I thought you said you arrested somebody yesterday.
VINCE: Oh yeah, it turns out he was the wrong guy. Worked him over pretty good, too.
WILL: Well, at least now he has a funny story. [LOUDLY] Grace! Come on. You ready for class?
VINCE: Oh, geez, I gotta go pick up Sheila. I'll see you there, all right?
WILL: You're still her partner?
VINCE: Yeah, she's a good kid. Plus it'll be nice to help somebody deliver a baby in a hospital instead of a Burger King or an upside down Trans Am.
[VINCE EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
[GRACE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM.]
GRACE: Thanks for interrupting my sex dream just as Ang Lee and I were getting out of the pool.
WILL: A sex dream about Ang Lee? What was that like?
GRACE: A little slow-paced, but visually stunning.
WILL: Here. Drink your protein drink.
[WILL GIVES GRACE A GLASS WITH A PROTEIN SHAKE.]
WILL: I'm gonna be at Vince's again tonight. We're gonna stay in and... be slow-paced, but visually stunning.
GRACE: You know what? I hate these protein shakes.
[GRACE PUTS THE SHAKE DOWN ON THE COUNTER.]
WILL: So does every gay man in the city. But, like you, we drink them for somebody much younger than we are, who we hope one day will look at us with adoring eyes.
[WILL PICKS IT UP AND HOLDS IT OUT FOR GRACE. SHE WALKS AWAY FROM HIM.]
GRACE: Sorry. Not drinking it.
WILL: Okay. I guess is the first time I'm going to have to use the red marker on the chart.
[WILL WALKS OVER TO THE PATIO DOOR. HE PULLS DOWN THE SHADE. A LARGE CHART WITH A CALENDAR AND BAR GRAPH IS TAPED TO IT.]
GRACE: [ANNOYED] You know what? This isn't working for me. I'm tired of you constantly hovering over me and watching my every move. So, you know... It's my baby. I think I know what's best.
WILL: I never said I knew what was best. I'm just trying to help.
GRACE: Yeah. And I'm just saying maybe I don't need your help.
WILL: Oh. Okay. I know what this is. I have been charting your progesterone and you are spiking.
GRACE: Will, you're not the President. Get out of my uterus.
[GRACE PICKS UP HER BAG.]
GRACE: I'm going to class.
WILL: Well, wait for me.
GRACE: No. I don't need a partner. I can do it alone.
[GRACE WALKS OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE VIII: The Walker Penthouse
[KAREN IS TALKING TO ONE OF THE MAIDS, FELICIA.]
KAREN: Felicia. Mr. Stanley will be moving out of the manse. His arms and chest will be leaving today. The rest of him should be out by tomorrow.
[FELICIA NODS AND EXITS THE ROOM AS JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: Hey, Kare.
KAREN: Oh. Well. Look who's here. Shouldn't you be making love to a TV woman while holding down vomit?
JACK: Karen, please talk to me. I want to know what's going on with you.
KAREN: No, you don't. And you wouldn't be able to hear it anyway.
JACK: Okay. Then will you help me rehearse my next scene?
KAREN: No, Jack. Forget it. I'm too busy.
JACK: Please, Karen. It's an important monologue and I really think you should hear it.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Fine. Make it snappy. While packing his things, three maids got tangled in Stan's pajama bottoms and I've got to go cut them out.
JACK: Okay. [READING] We've been friends for a long time, Darren, and... I let you down today... Darren. I should have been there for you, but I got wrapped up in my own stuff that I just didn't listen. I'm sorry it's over between you and... Franley. And I know things seem really scary for you, but you're a strong woman, Darren, and you're going to come out of this okay. And I'll be there for you for anything you need.... Darren. During your breakup with Franley. I'm Jack.
KAREN: Come on, you call that writing? Those Jews should stick to comedy.
JACK: Karen, didn't you just hear a word that I said?
KAREN: [SIGHS] Of course I did, honey. I may be a pill-popping, jet fuel sniffing, gin-soaked narcissist... but I'm not an actor. I listen when people speak.
SCENE IX: Childbirth Class
[VINCE IS SITTING IN THE HALLWAY WHEN WILL WALKS IN.]
VINCE: Hey. What are you doing here? Grace said you weren't coming. I didn't ask her why, 'cause I saw the way her levels were spiking on your graph.
WILL: What are you doing out here?
VINCE: Sheila's been in the bathroom for like, half an hour.
[VINCE POUNDS ON THE BATHROOM DOOR.]
VINCE: Yo! Haul it out here, trailer park!
SHEILA: Shut up, grease ball, my water broke!
VINCE: Oh, geez. All right. Visualize your breath.
[VINCE OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR.]
VINCE: And put out that cigarette!
[WILL WALKS INTO THE CLASSROOM. THE ROOM IS EMPTY, EXCEPT FOR GRACE, WHO IS SITTING ON A FLOORMAT PACKING UP HER BAG.]
GRACE: What are you doing here?
WILL: I don't want you walking home alone. Someone just got killed in this city. They're calling it the "Could be Anybody Killer". I know it was Vince's turn to name the killer and that's what he came up with.
[WILL WALKS UP TO GRACE.]
WILL: Here. Let me help.
[WILL PICKS UP THE BABY DOLL.]
GRACE: Really, I've got it.
[GRACE PULLS BACK ON THE DOLL.]
WILL: No, I wanna help.
[WILL PULLS ON THE DOLL.]
GRACE: I don't want your help.
[GRACE PULLS ON THE DOLL.]
WILL: Well, you're gonna get it anyway.
[THE DOLL'S HEAD RIPS OFF ITS BODY.]
GRACE: Now look what you did! We're supposed to treat these like they're real babies!
[GRACE THROWS THE HEAD INTO THE DOLL BASKET.]
WILL: Calm down. I'm sure a real baby's head wouldn't come off quite so easily.
GRACE: I told you I could do it myself.
[GRACE GRABS THE DOLL BODY FROM WILL.]
WILL: But you don't have to. You don't have to do any of this yourself. You have me.
[GRACE PICKS UP THE DOLL HEAD AND TRIES TO PUT IT BACK ON THE DOLL.]
GRACE: No, I don't. I mean, yes, right now, during the course of this class, I do. But once that baby comes, I'm on my own. It's just me. You're starting a whole new life with Vince, and that's-- that's great. And Leo's starting a whole new life with his fiancée and that sucks. But you know what? There's nothing I can do about it, so I have to be realistic. If I am going to have to raise this... headless torso by myself, then I really... I need to start getting used to it now.
[GRACE HOLDS BACK TEARS AND WALKS AND SITS DOWN ON A PILE OF FLOORMATS.]
WILL: Grace. After all we've been through, do you really think that I wouldn't be there for you after this baby is born? Of course I'll be there for you.
GRACE: You say that like it's so easy. This is so much bigger than anything we've ever been through. [SIGHS]
[WILL WALKS AND KNEELS IN FRONT OF GRACE.]
WILL: Listen to me. I already love this baby more than I could have imagined. And if you want me to, I'll be there for the whole thing. From diapers to college... which, quite frankly, I already assumed I'll be paying for.
GRACE: You really mean it?
WILL: It would be an honor.
GRACE: So we're... we're gonna do this together?
WILL: We already are.
[WILL HUGS GRACE.]
SCENE X: The Walker Penthouse
[JACK AND KAREN ARE STANDING IN THE LIBRARY.]
JACK: I'm really sorry, Karen. I wish I'd been there for you.
KAREN: Honey, it's okay. It's just important that you're here for me now.
[JACK AND KAREN HUG.]
KAREN: Now. If you'll excuse me, honey, I'm going to go take some of those pills I've been stealing from Grace. Gosh, my nails are stronger, my hair is thicker, but I think my balls may be shrinking.