SCENE I: The OutTV Office, Jack's Office
[JACK IS SITTING AT HIS DESK. HE'S HOLDING A MUG AND YELLING AT HIS ASSISTANT, DAVE.]
JACK: Elizabeth! Do you or do you not know how my Matthew McConaughey mug works?
DAVE: When you fill it with coffee, his shirt disappears.
JACK: And what happens when the coffee's gone?
DAVE: His shirt comes back on.
JACK: Exactly. Now, if I wanted to see Matthew McConaughey with his shirt on, I'd look at Josh Lucas. Now get out of my sight, Elizabeth!
WILL: Hi, Elizabeth.
WILL: So, uh, ready for lunch? I made a reservation at that place in Chelsea with the crayons and the leather place mats.
JACK: [DISAPPOINTED] Oh, and that's my favorite family S and M restaurant. But, I can't. I have to prepare for my interview today with Star Trek's George Takei.
WILL: [EXCITED] Sulu? Lieutenant Sulu is going to be on "JackTalk"?! He is such an inspiration! Coming out the way he did. And I was always a fan. I mean, I wasn't a Trekkie. That's... that's geeky. I was a Sulu-head. An elite subset of soon to be gay men who sensed at an early age a kinship with the character of Sulu, based on his sensitivity and lingering looks at Captain Kirk.
JAMIE: There he is. The queen of late night, Jack McFormand. That's not right, is it? Anyway big celeb, huh? George Hasato Takei, TV's Hikaru Sulu.
WILL: You can get all that, but you can't get "McFarland"?
JAMIE: Look, Jack. OutTV was bought by a large corporation. What? All you gotta know is it's not going to affect "JackTalk" in any way. You feelin' me?
JACK: Yes, Jamie.
JAMIE: No, you're not. And I told you you can, because my boyfriend's cool with it.
WILL: I could put sexual harrassment lawsuit flyers in this lobby and retire.
JAMIE: All right, I'll see you later, Jack. Oh. Uh, one little change. You're getting co-host.
JACK: I can't believe this! My contract specifically says "No co-host."
WILL: Uh... Actually, Jack, it said "No Ho-Ho's."
JAMIE: Relax, guys. This is just to widen our audience. You know, get a fresh point of view.
JACK: Well, this co-host better not steal focus from me. I want a real toad. An Ed McMahon.
[A YOUNG, BLONDE WOMAN WALKS INTO THE ROOM. SHE HAS A THICK, SOUTHERN DRAWL.]
AMBER-LOUISE: Hi! I'm Amber-Louise, from the great state of Alabama.
JACK: Oh, even better. A British woman.
SCENE II: Barneys New York Department Store
[GRACE IS GETTING A MAKE-OVER AT THE MAKE-UP COUNTER BY A WOMAN NAMED CRICKET.]
[GRACE LOOKS AT HER FACE IN A MIRROR.]
GRACE: Oh, God! You made me look so slutty! Nice job.
CRICKET: Thanks. My roommate's a drag queen.
[GRACE LOOKS AT CRICKET.]
CRICKET: Don't judge me. I just do his face. I don't tuck it in or anything. So what do you want? Lipstick, mascara?
GRACE: Oh, I'm not going to be buying any make-up today. I don't really need it. I'm pregnant, so... I have a natural glow.
CRICKET: Wow. It took a lot of balls to say that.
[CRICKET PATS GRACE ON THE BACK AND WALKS AWAY.]
[KAREN WALKS UP TO GRACE.]
KAREN: Hi, Grace... [GASPS] Wow. Look at you. You know, most girls who are knocked up and abandoned by the love of their life get a little down. But you? You just keep piling on that make-up as if you actually believe that anybody's ever going to find you attractive again. I applaud your pluck.
GRACE: I'm just so excited about having this baby. I have someone to love and take care of for the rest of my life. That is so... so cool.
KAREN: Wow. Well, Grace... when you say it like that, it kind of makes me want to get one of those things. Hey. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get a baby!
GRACE: Great. You go and get a baby. Just remember, though, if it's in a stroller, it's taken. I'm gonna run upstairs and get some giant bras. Or as the rest of the world calls it, B-cups.
[GRACE WALKS AWAY. KAREN WALKS UP TO THE MAKE-UP COUNTER.]
KAREN: Excuse me? [READING HER NAME TAG] "Cricket"? Could I pay you to have a baby for me?
CRICKET: What?! No. Having a baby is one of nature's most sacred miracles. You can't put a price tag on that.
KAREN: A hundred grand, and I'll throw in a tummy tuck after you pop.
CRICKET: [YELLING TO SOMEONE IN THE BACK] Mary Jane! Cover for me. I'm going on maternity leave.
SCENE III: OutTV, The "JackTalk" Set
[JACK IS SHOWING AMBER-LOUISE THE SET OF HIS SHOW.]
AMBER-LOUISE: This is so exciting. I haven't been on TV since I was a little girl. And that was because our neighbor shot his wife. It was so sad, but since she was dead, and he was on trial, I got to use their pool for two whole summers.
JACK: And that is what "JackTalk" is all about, Amber-Louise. Silver linings. Come on, let's sit down.
[JACK AND AMBER-LOUISE SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA.]
JACK: Now. If you're going to be my co-host, you gotta learn how to keep up, all right? Because during the show, it gets ca-razy in here. I jump around, I make puns. I even rhyme words. It's insane. [PAUSES] Rain.
[DAVE WALKS UP TO JACK.]
DAVE: Jack, you're on in five minutes. And I couldn't find your Matthew McConaughey mug.
JACK: Well, find it, Elizabeth Ann!
DAVE: [TO AMBER-LOUISE] My name's Dave. And I'm not gay at all. [LEANING CLOSER] Like, at all.
JACK: Hey! Back in your cage, straighty!
[JACK PICKS UP A POINTER AND POKES DAVE AND SWATS AT HIM.]
[WILL WALKS ONTO THE SET AND WALKS UP TO JACK. WILL IS CARRYING A BOX.]
WILL: Hey, Jack. Is George Takei here yet? I want him to sign his doll.
[WILL OPENS THE BOX AND TAKES OUT A 12" GEORGE TAKEI DOLL.]
WILL: They started making these after he came out of the closet. Listen to this.
[WILL PULLS A STRING ON THE DOLL'S BACK.]
DOLL: [IN GEORGE TAKEI'S VOICE] Beam me down, Scotty. I'm going shopping!
WILL: It's pretty cool, huh? He also says, [MIMICKING SULU] "This planet has breathable air, and Gucci."
[LATER. THE SHOW IS ON. JACK IS SITTING AT HIS DESK AND AMBER-LOUISE IS SITTING ON THE SOFA.]
JACK: Now. We're ready to bring out George Takei. Fun Fact: What he's wearing today is ugly.
AMBER-LOUISE: Jack, wait. That Star Wars guy... He got pushed to tomorrow's show.
JACK: Oh. [NERVOUS LAUGHTER] You know what they say. Queer Takei, on tomorrow. [QUIETLY TO AMBER-LOUISE] Why wasn't I tod about this?
AMBER-LOUISE: Well, instead our parent company thought I should try a segment of my own. And I'll call it "Amber-Louise's musings!"
[AMBER-LOUISE STANDS UP.]
AMBER-LOUISE: And today's topic is, if you question our president, then you're a dirty traitor!
[AMBER-LOUISE PULLS A STRING. A LARGE AMERICAN FLAG DROPS DOWN, COVERING JACK AND THE RAINBOW FLAG BEHIND HIS DESK.]
JACK: Stars and dykes forever, where did this come from?!
[OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE SET, WILL AND JAMIE ARE WATCHING THE SHOW.]
WILL: What the hell was that? Jamie, exactly who bought OutTV?
JAMIE: Nimbus Television Networks. Which is owned by Digicity Global Worldwide. Which is a division of the Department of Homeland Security. Which I believe is owned by Nabisco.
WILL: Cookies and the Bush administration. The gay community's two worst enemies have joined forces to bring us down.
SCENE IV: The Walker Penthouse, Stanley's Library
[CRICKET IS STANDING BY AS KAREN READS HER MEDICAL FILE.]
KAREN: Well, Cricket. It looks like you're in perfect shape to be my surrogate. Oh. You sailed right through the breast exam.
CRICKET: Yeah, about that. Shouldn't a doctor have done it?
KAREN: Why? So you can squirm away from him, too?
[GRACE'S VOICE IS HEARD FROM THE HALLWAY.]
[GRACE ENTERS THE ROOM.]
GRACE: What is this surrogate contract you asked Will to draw up for you? Wait a minute. What is the make-up lady doing here? I didn't take the lipstick. It just fell into my purse.
KAREN: She's my surrogate! Isn't it a hoot?
CRICKET: And I have a name, by the way. It's Cricket Walker.
GRACE: Karen, you can not just-- Wait a minute. You took Karen's name?
CRICKET: Well, we are having a baby together. I'm a little old-fashioned.
[KAREN RINGS A BELL. ROSARIO ENTERS.]
ROSARIO: You rang?
KAREN: Yes, Lurch. Cricket here will be staying with us. Please arrange for a closet of clothes, her favorite foods, and the implantation of her tracking chip.
[CRICKET WALKS UP TO ROSARIO.]
CRICKET: [TO ROSARIO] Is this bitch for real?
ROSARIO: Hey. That bitch is the reason I have a home. And two million in a trust fund I get when I turn thirty-five.
[CRICKET FOLLOWS ROSARIO OUT OF THE ROOM.]
GRACE: Karen, this is insane. And I say that as a friend, not one of the demon voices that guides you.
KAREN: How dare you judge me? You got pregnant by your ex-husband on an airplane and you haven't even told him yet. Huh. You just don't want anybody else to have a baby because you want all the attention.
GRACE: Oh. Oh, okay. Wow. That's what this is all about. Because I'm having a baby, you have to have one too. You're jealous.
KAREN: That's absurd. You know, most women would be thrilled to be pregnant at the same time as their best friend's cosmetic counter surrogate. Maybe you're just jealous because you're only getting a baby, but I'm getting a baby and a free make-up tote!
[KAREN THROWS BACK HER HEAD AND WALKS PAST GRACE OUT OF THE ROOM.]
SCENE V: OutTV, The "JackTalk" Set
[THE SHOW IS OVER. JACK WALKS UP TO JAMIE AND WILL, WHO ARE STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE SET.]
JACK: What was Amber-Louise doing on the show today? That song and dance number attacking Hilary Clinton's legislative record? [SCOFFS] Pretty controversial. I mean, this move?
[JACK DOES A LITTLE DANCE MOVE.]
JACK: It's so 80's. We are going to get letters.
WILL: Jack, OutTV was bought by right-wing conservatives. Amber-Louise is just a mouth piece for your new bosses.
JACK: You know, I kinda figured that's how she got the job. But I didn't want to say anything, because, you know... glass houses...
WILL: They're using your show to push their agenda. I mean, even your studio audience is changing. There were people out there with mullets! And they weren't even lesbians!
JACK: Jamie. Is this true?
JAMIE: You bet, Jack. Now you get on board, or there's going to be serious ramifications.
[JACK LIGHTS UP.]
WILL: It doesn't mean what you think.
JACK: [DISAPPOINTED] Oh. Well, I'm not changing my show! I'm not gonna let it be some platform for spewing left-wing--
JACK: Right wing garbage that pushes the Democratic--
JACK: Republican magenta.
WILL: Agenda. And good. I'm glad you're not compromising. I'd hate to see you roll over and take it. Again, doesn't mean what you think.
[WILL WALKS AWAY AS AMBER-LOUISE WALKS UP TO JACK.]
AMBER-LOUISE: Hey, Jack. I was wondering, maybe during interviews, you could ask people really tough questions. Not that I'm going to bomb them or torture them or anything-- Not that I'm totally against torture. You know, sometimes it's the only way to get reliable information.
JACK: Forget it, A.L. No changes. "JackTalk" will remain the beacon of integrity it's always been. Now. If you'll excuse me, I have to go prep for tomorrow's segment, "Photographing Your Dog's Junk."
AMBER-LOUISE: Jack! You're making a huge mistake! If you want to get to the top, you gotta compromise, like me.
JACK: What are you compromising?
[AMBER-LOUISE LOOKS AROUND]
AMBER-LOUISE: [HUSHED] I'm-a let you in on a little secret. I'm not who you think I am. My real name is Peg, and I'm a hard-core lesbian.
AMBER-LOUISE: I'm into leather play, butch black girls, skunkin', pullin' the blinds, and poodle-ballin'. Whatever you got, I'll eat it, snort it, or ride it, baby! Look. Go along with this and it'll work for you. Look at me. I clear a 165 dollars a week. I moved out of my storage unit. I'm on TV! I'm the freakin' dream!
JACK: You present a compelling case. I'm gonna have to wrestle with this for a while. [SHOUTING] Elizabeth, get the baby oil!
SCENE VI: The Walker Penthouse, Stanley's Library
[CRICKET IS STANDING AROUND ALONE WHEN KAREN ENTERS.]
KAREN: Cricket? I've been watching you on the monitors and... you seem unhappy. Is there anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable?
CRICKET: Well. You know how you're always walking around here drunk, and popping pills and what not? And following me into the shower... and throwing hot coffee on me... and climbing into bed with me, hysterically crying and making me spoon you until you fall asleep? You gotta knock that off.
KAREN: Ha ha! You are cute as a button.
[KAREN TOUCHES CRICKET'S NOSE.]
CRICKET: So, why haven't I seen this husband of yours?
KAREN: Oh. He's on a business trip in the Phillipines. I like Filipinos. They're Asian, but not cocky about it.
CRICKET: Well, as soon as he gets back, I'd like to meet him. You know, when possible, I like to talk to a man before he puts a load in my laundry basket. I'm not in my twenties anymore.
KAREN: Oh, honey. Uh... I've been thinking. Maybe it's best if you don't meet Stanley.
CRICKET: Why? Is he famous or something? Is he Stanley Tucci? Oh, my God! It's Stanley Tucci! I'm having Stanley Tucci's baby!
KAREN: No, honey, it's not Stanley Tucci. Come on. Sit down.
[KAREN AND CRICKET SIT DOWN.]
KAREN: The thing is... I haven't told my husband. I'm keeping it a secret. Yeah. When the baby is born, I'm going to put it in a Pringles can and store it in the cupboard, and then when he opens can, the baby pops out, and we'll be really happy.
CRICKET: Are you sure you are going to be able to keep a baby alive?
KAREN: We're sure going to try.
SCENE VII: OutTV, The "JackTalk" Set
[GEORGE TAKEI IS BACKSTAGE. DAVE WALKS UP TO HIM.]
DAVE: Five minutes, Mr. Takei. Oh, did you get your gift basket?
GEORGE: There was only a half-eaten muffin and a dirty freezer bag.
DAVE: Just wanted to make sure you got it.
[DAVE PATS GEORGE TAKEI ON THE SHOULDER AND QUICKLY WALKS AWAY.]
[WILL WALKS UP TO GEORGE TAKEI CARRYING HIS DOLL IN THE BOX AND A SHARPIE MARKER.]
WILL: Um... Mr. Takei? I'm a huge fan. Would you sign my doll? Oh, God. That sounded so girly. [SCOFFS] I-- I'm an admirer of your work. Would you sign my doll?
[WILL HOLDS OUT THE SHARPIE AND THE BOX.]
GEORGE TAKEI: Of course.
WILL: I really respect you for coming out. Though I always knew. Like, in that episode Yeoman Rand was wearing that off the shoulder gown? I swear you slipped and said, "Set your phasers on stunning."
GEORGE TAKEI: [CHUCKLES] I did. Shatner laughed so hard, he split his girdle.
[WILL AND GEORGE LAUGH.]
[GEORGE GIVES WILL THE SIGNED BOX.]
[JACK WALKS UP.]
JACK: Oh, George. Such an honor to meet you.
[JACK SHAKES HIS HAND.]
JACK: Hey, are you done with that gift bag? I have a wet bathing suit I wanna bring home.
[AMBER-LOUISE WALKS UP TO GEORGE TAKEI.]
AMBER-LOUISE: Hi! I'm Amber-Louise. So nice to meet you. God bless America. And by that, I mean all Americans. Even the ones that need to be jailed without due process now and then.
JACK: So, listen, George. The network asked that you not mention you're gay. Or any General Mills products.
WILL: He will do nothing of the sort! And do you know why? Because this is Sulu. An original member from a show called Star Trek. Do you know what that show was about?
JACK: Paper-mache rocks and Christmas lights poking through cardboard?
WILL: It was about tolerance and acceptance, no matter what your color, species, or hairstyle. Did Spock hide his ears? Did Uhuru hide her femininity? Did Sulu hide his? Yes, he did. But it was a different time, we forgive you. The point is that no one on that bridge compromised [AS WILLIAM SHATNER] who or what they were.
GEORGE: That's what the show was about? Well, now I'm glad I did it. [CHUCKLES.]
AMBER-LOUISE: Come on, Jack. The show's starting. Make up your mind, George. Are you with us, or against us? And by "us", I mean the troops.
[AMBER-LOUISE WALKS AWAY.]
WILL: George. Jack will do the right thing. Why don't you go grab yourself an Oreo? Which are suddenly everywhere.
[GEORGE WALKS AWAY.]
WILL: [TO JACK] What are you doing? You can't let these people push you around.
JACK: Look, I don't want to lose my job. I am too long and too hard to lose all this now.
WILL: Yes, Jack, you have worked very long and very hard. But you have never compromised who you are.
[DAVE WALKS UP TO JACK.]
DAVE: Jack, you're on. Here's your coffee.
[DAVE GIVES JACK A MUG.]
JACK: Uh, Elizabeth? This is not my Matthew McConaughey mug.
DAVE: Yeah, the network won't let you have him anymore. You have to drink out of Salma Hayek now.
[JACK LOOKS AT THE MUG AND WALKS TO HIS DESK ON THE SET. THE RAINBOW FLAG HAS BEEN REPLACED BY AN AMERICAN FLAG. AMBER-LOUISE AND GEORGE TAKEI ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA.]
STAVE MANAGER: And we're on in five. Four, three, two...
AMBER-LOUISE: Welcome to "Talk Time USA"! Hi, I'm Amber-Louise. And this is Jack.
[JACK HOLDS HIS HEAD DOWN.]
AMBER-LOUISE: Today's special guest got his name in outer space, but back here on Earth, he is legendary ladies' man and pro-life activist--
[JACK STANDS UP.]
JACK: [SHOUTS] No! I won't do it! George Takei is a prancing, giggling queen! And I will not slander his good name by implying he's straight. You were right, Will!
WILL: [OFF-SCREEN] Live long and prosper, Jack!
JACK: I have never compromised myself before and I'm not about to start now. No man should ever be forced to drink out of Salma Hayek.
AMBER-LOUISE: I'll take her.
[AMBER-LOUISE SLIDES OVER AND GRABS THE MUG.]
SCENE VIII: The Walker Penthouse, Library
[KAREN IS SITTING IN A CHAIR TALKING TO GRACE.]
KAREN: I'm sure you'll be happy to know... that Quicket crit. [SIGHS] I mean Quicket crit! Damn it, that is so hard to say. All right, let me try this. [SLOWLY] Quicket is not going to carry my craby.
GRACE: Karen, why do you all of the sudden want to have a baby? I mean, if it's not because of me, there has to be a reason. And please don't tell me it's so you'll have a baby Jesus for your live nativity display.
KAREN: Okay, Grace. Let's just drop it shall we? Let's talk about something more pleasant. So. Guess who has a mole the size of an eyeball on their thigh?
GRACE: You know what? Forget it. I tried to be a friend, and for some reason you won't let me. So...
[GRACE TURNS TO WALK OUT.]
KAREN: No, Grace.
[GRACE TURNS BACK AROUND.]
KAREN: Stanley and I are having problems, and I... I thought maybe having a baby would help.
GRACE: Karen, I had no idea.
GRACE: I'm sorry.
KAREN: Ever since he came back from the dead, he's been different. I mean, not like a zombie or anything, but... [SIGHS] I don't know. Even the sex is different. Gosh, I can't tell you how long it's been since we've skunked, or poodle-balled.
GRACE: [CONFUSED] Um... Have you tried lighting candles?
KAREN: I'm thinking about leaving him, Grace.
GRACE: Oh, Karen.
[GRACE HUGS KAREN.]
SCENE IX: OutTV, Jack's Amber-Louise's Office
[AMBER-LOUISE IS SITTING AT HER DESK. JACK AND WILL ARE STANDING IN FRONT.]
JACK: All right, fine. I may have been fired by the people who brought us Guantanamo Bay and Reduced Fat Triskets, but at least I leave here with my dignity!
[JACK SWIVELS ON HIS HEEL AND WALKS OUT WITH HIS NOSE IN THE AIR.]
[JACK SUDDENLY RUNS BACK IN.]
JACK: Please, Amber-Louise, take me back!
[JACK THROWS HIMSELF ON THE DESK, KNOCKING OVER A BOWL OF CANDY.]
AMBER-LOUISE: Ah! Bitch, get out of here! You spilled my Skittles! Get off!
JACK: Please, Amber-Louise! I need this job!
[WILL GRABS JACK'S ANKLES AND PULLS JACK, STILLING CLINGING TO THE DESK, AND DRAGGING THE DESK WITH HIM.]
WILL: We're leaving with your dignity, remember, Jack?