SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS IN THE KITCHING FRYING BACON.]
WILL: Grace? You awake? Grace!
[WILL PUTS THE BACON ON A PLATE. HE PICKS UP A SMALL BATTERY OPERATED FAN AND TURNS IT ON NEXT TO THE PLATE.]
[GRACE SHUFFLES OUT OF HER BEDROOM. SHE'S WEARING HER PAJAMAS AND LOOKS A MESS.]
GRACE: I'm up. Turn off the bacon alarm.
WILL: It's amazing. You know, you go to bed looking like Courteney Cox, and you wake up Courtney Love.
GRACE: Just serve the bacon, jackass.
[GRACE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. WILL PUTS THE PLATE OF BACON ON THE TABLE.]
WILL: And we're officially my parents.
GRACE: I'm sorry, I got no sleep last night. I have three apartments to do by the end of the month. Normally, I would do the same design three times in a row, but the old bags know each other. It's so much work. I think I'm going to have to hire another assistant for a while. And Karen's got her hands full carving penises into her desk and getting her real estate license online.
WILL: That would explan why she tried to get me to buy a condo in the Poconos. It would also explain this penis.
[WILL RUBS A SCAR ON THE TABLE.]
JACK: Look at me! I'm glowing.
WILL: Congratulations, Jack. Are you gonna find out the gender, or do you wanna be surprised?
JACK: I'm not pregnant, I'm in love.
GRACE: Aw, Jack. That's great. Are you gonna find out the gender, or do you wanna be surprised?
JACK: [SIGHS] Oh, Grace, if I wasn't so happy, I might say something hateful. Like, bacon isn't love.
[JACK WALKS TO THE KITCHEN TO GET A CUP OF COFFEE.]
WILL: So, tell us about your new boyfriend. How many hours have you been going out?
JACK: Seventeen. His name is Travis, and he's the hottest guy I've ever gone out with. He's very into the downtown gay country two-step cowboy rodeo bar scene.
GRACE: Sometimes I think you guys are just too creative. Why can't you just be gay, and leave it at that.
WILL: Listen, without all this, we're just guys who can't throw balls.
JACK: Will, come out with us Friday. I'm dying for you to meet Travis.
WILL: Alright. But I hate those gay theme bars. You know, and they always have such awful names.
JACK: Oh, no, no, no. The Cow Poke's not like that at all.
[JACK EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE II: Grace Adler Designs
[GRACE IS INTERVIEWING A WOMAN FOR THE ASSISTANT JOB. KAREN IS SITTING AT HER DESK LOOKING THROUGH A PURSE.]
GRACE: Well, you seem really, really qualified. I'll be in touch.
WOMAN: Thanks, I'll look forward to hearing from you.
[THE WOMAN STOPS AT KAREN'S DESK.]
WOMAN: Um, could I have my purse?
KAREN: Oh! Sure, honey. Condoms, but no breath mints.
[KAREN ZIPS UP THE PURSE AND GIVES IT TO HER.]
KAREN: I like a gal that cuts to the chase. Huh?
[THE WOMAN EXITS THE OFFICE.]
GRACE: So far, she's the one to beat. Although she... she might almost be too pretty. Eh, I'll just find a way to get ten pounds on her.
KAREN: Good luck with that. Cupcake?
[KAREN HOLDS UP A BIG CUPCAKE WITH LOTS OF WHITE FROSTING.]
GRACE: Oh, I'd love one!
[GRACE BITES INTO THE CUPCAKE. SHE HAS WHITE FROSTING ALL OVER HER MOUTH AND NOSE.]
[PAM, A REGAL MIDDLE EASTERN WOMAN IN A BUSINESS SUIT, ENTERS THE OFFICE.]
PAM: I'm here for the interview with Grace Adwerk.
[GRACE HOLDS UP HER INDEX FINGER TO LET PAM GIVE HER A MINUTE. GRACE PUTS THE MUFFIN DOWN AND LICKS THE FROSTING FROM HER FINGERS AND WIPES HER MOUTH.]
GRACE: It's Adler.
PAM: Are you making fun of my accent?
GRACE: No! No, no. I-I-I wouldn't make fun of any accent. Well, except maybe Southern. I'm sorry, I don't care if they are rocket scientists, they still sound dumb. Please come sit.
KAREN: Here, honey, let me take your purse.
[PAM HANDS KAREN HER PURSE. GRACE AND PAM SIT AT GRACE'S DESK. KAREN OPENS UP PAM'S PURSE.]
GRACE: Ooh. Somebody likes figs.
[PAM GIVES GRACE A COPY OF HER RESUME.]
GRACE: So... Pam. That's a nice name.
PAM: What were you expecting? Just because I'm Middle Eastern, it should be a long and unpronounceable name? Like Pam--[MUMBLES A LONG NAME IN FARSI.]
GRACE: Oh, no. Not at all. I wasn't implying it was anything crazy like that.
PAM: Because that's what it is.
KAREN: Honey, your hair's so short in your driver's license picture. You look a little like Omar Sharif.
PAM: [TO KAREN] I don't like you.
GRACE: What an interesting résumé. Wow. I had no idea they had House of Pies in Tehran.
PAM: Well, everybody likes pie, not just Americans.
GRACE: Oh, of course. I didn't mean to imply that. You are absolutely right. Everybody loves pie. And just because the saying is, "American as apple pie," doesn't mean it can't be "Iranian as apple pie." Or "Bye-bye, Miss Iranian Pie."
[PAM JUST STARES AT GRACE.]
GRACE: [HESITANTLY SINGING OFF-KEY] Bye-bye, Miss Iranian Pie. Drove my... Oxcart to the levee, but the levee was dry...
PAM: I'm making you uncomfortable. Clearly you were never going to consider a Middle Eastern woman for this position.
GRACE: No, no, that's not true at all. I'm definitely considering you for this position.
KAREN: [COUGHING UNDER HER BREATH] Careful.
GRACE: I just wish I saw a little more design experience here.
PAM: I started to put together a portfolio, but it was difficult... with the revolution, the operation, and the line at Kinko's.
GRACE: I'm sorry, I take for granted how many opportunities I've had. You know what?--
KAREN: [INTERRUPTING] Uh, honey, I forgot to tell you that the messenger called. And he said, "I ran your credit card and it's bad!"
GRACE: Can you start tomorrow?
PAM: Thank you. You won't regret this.
[PAM AND GRACE SHAKE HANDS.]
GRACE: I know I won't.
[PAM WALKS TO THE DOOR. KAREN HOLDS OUT HER PURSE.]
KAREN: Nice purse, honey.
PAM: It's not made out of camel, if that's what you're implying.
[PAM GRABS THE PURSE AND WALKS OUT.]
KAREN: I kind of was. [SIGHS] Well, I hate to say it, but I think you just made a big mistake. To quote Samuel Jackson in almost any movie... I got a bad feelin' about this.
SCENE III: The Cow Poke
[WILL AND JACK WALK INTO THE GAY COWBOY BAR. THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN IN COWBOY HATS AND JEANS.]
WILL: Wow. A gay western bar. Where's the mechanical bull dyke?
JACK: [POINTING] Over there. And no man has ever stayed on her. Oh, there's Travis!
WILL: Which one?
JACK: The one in the cowboy hat and tight jeans.
JACK: No, him!
WILL: No! He's crazy hot.
JACK: Okay, calm down, he's mine. And the best part? I really get along with that little doggy.
WILL: John Wayne would be so proud. To shoot you.
[JACK WALKS UP TO TRAVIS.]
TRAVIS: Hey, hey, Jack!
[TRAVIS HUGS JACK HARD.]
TRAVIS: Too bad they already played the "Boot Scootin' Boogie." You missed the bootin' scootin', but we can still boogie.
[TRAVIS SLAPS JACK ON THE BEHIND.]
WILL: And I'm leaving.
JACK: Wait, wait, wait. Travis, this is my bestie, Will.
TRAVIS: How ya doin'?
[TRAVIS SHAKES WILL'S HAND.]
JACK: Hi. Okay, I'm gonna go get us some drinks, all right? It's so fun being in a gay cowboy bar. Everyone's so rugged!
[JACK WALKS UP TO THE BAR.]
JACK: [TO THE BARTENDER.] Can we get three lemon drops, please?
["9 TO 5" BY DOLLY PARTON BEGINS PLAYING.]
TRAVIS: I love this song. It was playin' when I came out to my wife. And strangely enough, she hates it.
[WILL AND TRAVIS LAUGH.]
WILL: It's fun to laugh at an anonymous woman's heartbreak.
JACK: Hey, Will! While I wait for the drinks, dance with Travis! And don't feel so self-conscious. Heavy bodies always look better in motion.
TRAVIS: How 'bout it, Will?
WILL: Why not? How often do I get to dance underneath a disco ball hanging from a wagon wheel.
TRAVIS: Alright, well, you just follow my lead. Alright?
[TRAVIS GETS BEHIND WILL AND HOLDS HIS RIGHT HAND, AND PUTS HIS LEFT HAND AROUND WILL'S WAIST.]
[TRAVIS LEADS WILL IN A TWO-STEP.]
TRAVIS: One, two, quick stop. One, two, quick stop.
WILL: Yeah, I'm getting it.
TRAVIS: You sure are. You're on it like spots on an Appaloosa.
WILL: Tell me, when you go home at night and you take all this off, do you still talk like that?
TRAVIS: You wanna find out?
WILL: Excuse me?
TRAVIS: I think you're hot.
[WILL'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN IN SHOCK.]
TRAVIS: And spin!
[TRAVIS SPINS WILL AROUND.]
SCENE IV: Grace Adler Designs.
[KAREN AND GRACE ARE AT THEIR DESKS WORKING. PAM HAS A DESK SET UP BY THE COFFEE MACHINE.]
[THE PHONE RINGS]
KAREN: [TO PAM] Hey! Princess Jasmine! Showtime!
PAM: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello? [SPEAKS FARSI WITH A 'GRACE ADWER' IN THE MIDDLE.]
GRACE: Uh, okay. A little refresher on the refresher course. Please answer the phone in English.
PAM: Oh, I forgot. I'm in America. I'm supposed to be ashamed of my cultural heritage.
[PAM HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
GRACE: Pam, did you... did you fax over the designs to the cabinet maker yet?
PAM: I'll do it right after my smoke break.
GRACE: I'm sorry. But remember, I told you you can't smoke here.
[PAM LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.]
PAM: It's a part of my religion.
[PAM BLOWS THE SMOKE AT GRACE.]
KAREN: Smoking in the office. So inappropriate!
[KAREN SLAMS HER MAGAZINE ON THE DESK.]
KAREN: [SIGHS] Hey, anyone mind if I take my boob out for a second?
[KAREN REACHES INTO HER BLOUSE.]
GRACE: Hey! It's one thing at dinner, Karen, but at work, I'd really prefer you keep it in.
[GRACE LOOKS DOWN AT HER PHONE.]
GRACE: What? Why is line two blinking? Who's been on hold?
PAM: Oh, I forgot. It's Mrs. Van Helden.
GRACE: Okay, she's just our most important client.
PAM: I'm sorry, let me get it.
[PAM PICKS UP HER PHONE.]
GRACE: No-- Oh! You just hung up on her!
KAREN: Wow, this is gonna be a real horse race for employee of the week.
[THE PHONE RINGS. GRACE PICKS IT UP RIGHT AWAY.]
GRACE: [ANSWERING THE PHONE] Hello? Yes, yes. Hi, Mrs. Van Helden. I was-- I was just about to call you. No, no, it's just that-- Well, let me just-- I see.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
GRACE: She fired us.
PAM: Oh, I must go pray for you to get your client back. It's better from an East facing bar.
[PAM LEAVES THE OFFICE.]
KAREN: Oh, great. So now she can drink during work, too?
[KAREN TAKES A SIP OF A MARTINI.]
KAREN: Well, to quote Morgan Freeman in... almost any movie... You should have listened to me, white girl.
GRACE: Okay. Yes, we lost our most important client. And yes, Pam might be partially responsible. For all of it. But what's more important? Making money, or doing the right thing?
KAREN: Money. No, wait. Yeah, money.
GRACE: You know what? You're never going to understand. I mean, the fact is, I'm tolerant. And you are... Well, maybe a little bit racist.
KAREN: How dare you call me a racist! A homophobe? Maybe. Distrustful of Spaniards? Who isn't.
[KAREN PICKS UP HER PURSE.]
KAREN: But nobody calls me a racist. And you can ask anyone I own.
[KAREN WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE.]
SCENE V: The Cow Poke
[JACK IS STANDING AT THE BAR WAITING FOR DRINKS. BEVERLEY LESLIE IS SITTING AT THE CORNER OF THE BAR SIPPING A MARTINI. HE'S WEARING A COWBOY HAT AND SHIRT.]
BEVERLEY: [TO JACK] Well, well, well... If it isn't Karen Walker's little gay friend. Where's your olive-skinned cohort? Don't you homosexuals always travel in pairs?
[BEVERLEY'S BUSINESS ASSOCIATE, BENJI, WALKS UP TO HIM.]
BENJI: Beverley, I'm sorry. They don't have Clay Aiken on the jukebox.
JACK: Well, look how cute you two are. A black stallion and my little pony.
WILL: Jack! I need to talk to you.
BEVERLEY: William, what a surprise! I'm just having a drink here with my business associate, Benji.
WILL: The only surprise is that you're still trying to pass off Benji as your business associate in the middle of a gay bar.
BEVERLEY: This is a gay bar?! Why, I had no idea! I'm-a half a mind to storm out of here right this minute. But my other half wants to stay and finish my refreshing lemon drop.
[BEVERLEY WALKS AWAY SIPPING HIS DRINK.]
WILL: [TO JACK] Come here.
JACK: Travis quite the two-stepper, huh?
WILL: Yeah. He's also a bit of a two-timer.
[TWO MEN WALK IN BETWEEN WILL AND JACK.]
WILL: Excuse us.
WILL: [TO JACK] When we were on the dance floor, he kind of hit on me.
JACK: No, he did not. You think everybody hits on you. You blushed when the guy at Starbucks asked if you wanted to leave room for cream.
COWBOY: Hey, if you're on the dance floor, get in line!
WILL: No, no, no.
[THE COWBOY PUTS HIS ARMS AROUND WILL AND JACK'S SHOULDERS AND PUSHES THEM INTO THE FRONT OF THE LINE DANCE GROUP.]
COWBOY: Six, seven, eight!
[WILL, JACK AND THE GUYS IN THE BAR DO A SYNCHRONIZED LINE DANCE.]
WILL: Jack, why would I lie to you? I'm your best friend.
JACK: Because you're jealous. The one-eyed monster reared its ugly head.
WILL: It's green.
JACK: I had that once. There's an ointment. But don't try to change the subject! You just can't handle me having the hot guy.
WILL: Jack, listen to me. The guy is bad news.
JACK: You don't know what you're talking about! I'm leaving!
[JACK STORMS OFF IN A HUFF.]
SCENE VI: The Cow Poke
[LATER. WILL IS AT THE COAT CHECK PICKING UP HIS COAT.]
WILL: Look, I can't find my ticket. But I'm sure it's the only John Varvatos cashmere car coat.
[THE COAT CHECK GUY HOLDS UP A COAT.]
WILL: No, it's not a poncho.
[THE COAT CHECK GUY HOLDS UP A COAT.]
WILL: No, it doesn't have fringe.
[THE COAT CHECK GUY HOLDS UP A COAT.]
WILL: No, it's not a poncho with fringe. Nothing with fringe!
[TRAVIS WALKS UP.]
TRAVIS: Uh-oh. Looks look my favorite calf has wandered away from the herd.
WILL: Let me put this in terms you'll understand. Mooove away from me.
TRAVIS: Hey, you didn't go say anything to Jack, did you? He's sulking with the lesbians next door at the Big Valley.
WILL: Of course I told him, because I care about him, which obviously you do not. [TO THE COAT CHECK GUY] Excuse me. look, could you take my number please and call me if my coat shows up?
[WILL GIVES THE COAT CHECK GUY A CARD.]
TRAVIS: How about givin' me your number?
WILL: [SCOFFS] You are unbelievable. You know what? I don't find cowboys sexy. I don't even like ranch dressing.
[WILL'S CELL PHONE RINGS.]
WILL: [ANSWERING PHONE] Hello?
COAT CHECK GUY: We found your coat.
[WILL HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND GRABS HIS COAT.]
WILL: [TO TRAVIS] Get out of my way.
TRAVIS: Whoa, whoa, now why you gettin' all worked up? Alright. Jack won't care. He should be happy he had me this long.
WILL: Hey, Jack is a catch.
TRAVIS: No. The guy's a good time, but that's it.
WILL: Don't say that!
TRAVIS: Oh, come on. He's an idiot.
WILL: Shut up!
[WILL SMACKS TRAVIS ON THE ARM AS JACK WALKS IN.]
JACK: Will, what are you doing?
TRAVIS: Did you just hit me?
WILL: Yeah, I did. [TO JACK] Your boyfriend here is a jerk.
[TRAVIS PUSHES HIS HAND INTO WILL'S CHEST.]
[WILL PUSHES TRAVIS BACK.]
JACK: Wait a minute! What's going on here?
BEVERLEY: Gay bar fight!
[BEVERLEY RINGS A TRIANGLE.]
SCENE VII: Grace Adler Designs
[GRACE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE.]
GRACE: [ON PHONE] I'm so sorry, Mrs. Van Helden. And I thank you so much for giving me another chance. Look, I'm going to send the designs to you right now. They are already to go at the fax machine. Okay.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE. SHE LOOKS OVER AT THE FAX MACHINE. PAM PULLS THE PAPER OUT OF THE FAX MACHINE, RIPS IT IN HALF AND PUTS HER USED CHEWING GUM INTO IT, CRUMBLES IT, AND THROWS IT AWAY.]
[PAM TURNS AROUND LOOKS AT GRACE, WHO IS STARING IN SHOCK.]
PAM: Take a picture, it would last longer.
GRACE: Pam! Pam, it took me two days to draw up those plans!
PAM: It took me eighteen years to raise my plane fare to America. Do I yell at you?
GRACE: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I-- Wow. Eighteen years? I'm assuming that's first class.
PAM: Grace, you seem uncomfortable around me. Is it because I'm Middle Eastern?
GRACE: No, Pam. No, I'm not uncomfortable at all, and I'm happy I'm able to give you this opportunity. And I believe that despite our different backgrounds, that we can work together and help make a more tolerant world. Excuse me.
[GRACE WALKS TO THE DOOR.]
PAM: What a beautiful sentiment. I made a similar speech at my Bat Mitzvah.
[GRACE TURNS AROUND AND WALKS BACK TO PAM.]
GRACE: Bat Mitzvah? You're Jewish?
PAM: Like brisket.
GRACE: Jewish? [EXCITED] I can't believe this! This is great! This is wonderful!
PAM: Okay, why?
GRACE: Because we're both Jewish! I don't have to be tolerant of my own kind. I don't owe you anything!
PAM: What's your point?
GRACE: You're fired! See you at temple!
SCENE VIII: The Cow Poke
[THE BAR IS MOSTLY EMPTY. WILL AND BEVERLEY LESLIE ARE SITTING AT THE BAR. WILL IS DRINKING A BEER.]
BEVERLEY: It's amazing. My first time in a gay bar, and I see my my first gay bar fight.
WILL: Your first time? You rang the triangle!
BEVERLEY: Well, I better skedaddle.
[BEVERLEY HOPS OFF THE BAR STOOL.]
BEVERLEY: Oh, by the way, I heard what that man said about Jack. You are a true gentleman. If anybody ever called my friend an idiot, I hope I'd be as brave as you.
WILL: Thank you, Beverley.
BEVERLEY: How about a gentleman's kiss?
WILL: I'm not that brave.
[WILL PUSHES BEVERLEY AWAY. BEVERLEY SASHAYS OUT OF THE BAR.]
[JACK WALKS UP TO WILL.]
JACK: Wow. We were in a gay bar fight.
WILL: I know. And, oddly, not a single punch was thrown.
JACK: [SIGHS] Hey, sorry I didn't believe you about Travis. I know you wouldn't lie to me. I just wanted to think that a guy like that could choose a guy like me.
WILL: What does that even mean?
JACK: Come on, Will. He's kind of out of my league.
WILL: Hey. Are you kidding? The only reason that you guys are in a different leagues is because he's a creep. You're way above him. You're in a-- You're in a league of your own.
JACK: Oh, I loved that movie. It took place in such an innocent time, when Madonna was still relevant, and Rosie was still funny.
WILL: Come on, let's go home.
JACK: Oh, one more thing. I know Travis flirted with you, but why did you shove him? I mean, it's just not like you. What did he say?
WILL: It was nothing.
JACK: What? Come on, tell me.
WILL: I don't even remember.
JACK: Yes, you do.
WILL: Ok, you really want to know? He said... [PAUSES] That in bright light, that I looked fat and bald.
JACK: What a jerk! I don't want to date anyone who's mean to you. And it's not true. You still have at least half your hair.
WILL: Thank you, Jack.
JACK: And you're not that fat, you just don't know how to dress your body.
SCENE IX: The Walker Penthouse, Stanley's Library
[KAREN IS SITTING IN A LEATHER CHAIR READING A BOOK WHEN GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hi. I fired Pam. I should've trusted you. You were right.
[GRACE SITS IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO KAREN.]
GRACE: The only reason I hired her was because of my liberal guilt. [SIGHS] Sometimes I wish I were a Republican. Then I wouldn't have to worry about anyone's feelings. All I'd have to worry about is not getting indicted.
KAREN: Well, I'm glad you finally came to your senses, Grace. I mean, I could not believe what you would let her get away with. I would just sit there cleaning my gun, thinking, "This is an office!"