SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[CONTINUED FROM LAST WEEK. GRACE HAS JUST WALKED IN AND TOLD WILL, JAMES, JACK AND KAREN THAT SHE IS PREGNANT.]
WILL: Oh, my God. Pregnant? That's-- That's whatever you think that is, I think that is, too.
JACK: [TO JAMES] You dog.
KAREN: Grace, you're going to have a Jewish black baby. I believe that's called a macaroon.
GRACE: It's not James's baby. It's Leo's.
JAMES: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think you dodged a bullet, because there's serious alcoholism in my family.
WILL: Leo? But-- When you had sex in the plane? You told me you were safe.
GRACE: Oh, I thought you meant did we have our seat belts on.
JACK: Shall I sing to your belly? I'm hazy as to why I would do this. But I distinctly recall those sort of shenanigans on the last season of "Mad About You."
[JACK WALKS UP TO GRACE AND BENDS DOWN AND BEGINS SINGING SHEENA EASTON'S "MORNING TRAIN".]
JACK: [SINGING] Her baby takes the morning train. It works from nine to five, and then...
WILL: Wow. Grace's baby already works more than you do.
KAREN: Hey, hey, hey, now come on. Now, Grace. You say this man was called Leo. Did you get a last name?
GRACE: Oy. [SIGHS] I'm taking a nap. I might be out for a while. Wake me if you hear a baby crying.
[GRACE WALKS BACK TO HER BEDROOM.]
SCENE II: The Corner Coffee Shop
[WILL AND JAMES ARE STANDING AT THE END OF A REALLY LONG LINE TO THE COUNTER.]
WILL: Ugh. This line. I want to get home before Grace wakes up. Unbelievable. This woman is paying for a 55-cent cookie with a check. Oh, and look at that. They don't accept checks. But lucky for us, she has a thousand pennies in a baggie!
JAMES: Relax. Relax, baby. When you tense up like that I can see what you're going to look like when you're old.
[WILL TOUCHES HIS FOREHEAD.]
JAMES: All right, come on. I think I know of a way we can get out of here fast.
[JAMES WALKS UP TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE.]
JAMES: [TO THE COUNTER MAN] Excuse me, could we just get two coffees and two muffins?
WOMAN: And I'm just getting a cookie, so wait your turn.
JAMES: Um, I'm sorry, it's just that, uh, my mother-- she's dying. And I was just sitting by her bedside feeling helpless, when she told me to get a muffin, I jumped at the opportunity to finally do something.
WOMAN: Your mother's dying?
JAMES: Yeah, I think we've run out of miracles.
[JAMES LOOKS BACK AT WILL AND GIVES HIM THE OKAY SIGN AND WINKS.]
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[JACK AND KAREN ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. WILL RETURNS FROM THE COFFEE SHOP WITH A CUP OF COFFEE AND A BAG.]
WILL: Hey, guys. Is Grace up?
KAREN: No. Mile-high mom is still sleeping.
JACK: Hey, what's in the bag, fag?
WILL: Oh. Muffins from James. Do you think it's weird that he got them by cutting in line, and then lying about need them for his dying mother?
KAREN: No, not at all, honey. I mean, that's the same way we used to get bread and juice during the great depre--
[WILL AND JACK LOOK AT KAREN.]
JACK: Clever idea. Much better than the scam I usually use. I have this neighbor who never locks his door. I just sneak in when he's showering and fill up my therm--
[WILL GLARES AT JACK.]
WILL: So you don't think it's creepy?
KAREN: No, honey. As a matter of fact, he probably just did it so you could get back here to Grace.
WILL: Well, that's true. I just haven't seen that side of him before. Of course, I've only known him for five days. I like that he's edgy. Because I'm edgy, too. You know, like sometimes when I throw gum into a public trash can and it sticks to the side? I just keep on walking. N.M.P. Not my problem.
[GRACE WALKS INTO THE LIVING ROOM. HER HAIR IS A COMPLETE MESS.]
GRACE: Man that was a really good nap. What'd I miss?
WILL: Tuesday. You've been out for, like, twenty hours.
GRACE: No wonder I'm hungry. I've missed, like, seven meals.
WILL: Well, you are eating for two.
GRACE: Eating for two? Why would you say that I'm eating for two? Ah! I'm pregnant! I totally forgot. I'm going to be an unwed mother.
JACK: No, you're not. You married James two days ago.
GRACE: Ahh! I'm married! I totally forgot.
KAREN: Honey, if you think that's upsetting, check this out.
[KAREN WALKS UP TO GRACE AND TURNS HER AROUND SO THAT SHE CAN SEE HERSELF IN THE MIRROR ABOVE THE FIREPLACE.]
GRACE: [SHRIEKING] Ahh!
KAREN: Yeah, I thought we could get three. [CHUCKLES]
JACK: Listen, Grace. This seems as good a time as any to ask for a little favor. Uh, the ratings for "JackTalk" have been slipping. Which is why I need to do something bigger, bolder, more derivative. So, I... would like you... to give birth, live on my talk show! How exciting would that be? I picture you shooting it out into a rainbow flag dog bed.
GRACE: Get him out of here.
JACK: Well, you didn't let me finish. There's a dog in it.
[WILL PUSHES JACK OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: God, this is so overwhelming. Please. Someone tell me what to do first.
WILL: Well... Have you called Leo yet to tell him he's going to be a dad?
GRACE: Yeah. Right after I got out of the doctor's office. His machine said that he was of the country. I don't even know where he is, or when he's coming back.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Oh, Grace. Honey, I'm so sorry. Is this Leo a flight attendant?
GRACE: Karen. Leo is a doctor. He works for Doctors Without Borders.
KAREN: Oh! Leo! Honey, I'm sorry. Oh, my God! I feel so stupid. Leo, of course. Leo. I can see him perfectly now. [UNDER HER BREATH TO WILL] God, what's that gonna look like?
WILL: Well, then maybe we should try to track him down. Doctors Without Borders will know where he is.
KAREN: Oh, Will, now you leave her alone. She doesn't have to call him right now. In fact, she doesn't have to call him at all. You can come live with me, Grace. Honey, I could be your baby daddy! Okay? Okay, so it's all set. Great. Listen. I'm just gonna run out and buy a little, teeny, tiny, silver spoon. And then right after that, I'm gonna go shopping for the baby. Okay.
[KAREN RUNS OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: If she offers to powder baby, say no. You know what? I am gonna leave my cell phone number on Leo's machine. That way, he'll always have another place to find you.
GRACE: Put the phone down.
WILL: No, it'll just take a second.
GRACE: Will, please put it down.
GRACE: Because he's home, okay? I checked with his hospital. He just got back to New York.
WILL: I don't understand. What-- What's going on? Are you not going to tell him?
GRACE: [ANNOYED] Of course I am, butt wipe!
GRACE: Oh, I'm sorry. Hormone surge. It was the baby talking.
WILL: Well, it has its mother's charm.
GRACE: Look, I know I have to tell him. It's just that it's-- It's hard. I mean, I've pushed him away so many times, and what, now I'm gonna show up and say, "Guess what? You're gonna be a father." I mean, I don't want him coming back just because I'm having a baby.
WILL: Oh, my God, but you do want him back.
GRACE: [ANGRY] Of course I do, you pile!
WILL: Who are you giving birth to? Rosanne?
GRACE: Sorry. Will, this is just... this is just so crazy. I mean... when I found out I was pregnant with Leo's baby, I-- I felt a million things, but the first thing I felt... was happy.
WILL: You know how happy he's gonna be to hear you say that?
GRACE: He will, won't he?
WILL: Mm-hmm. Oh, my God... You're gonna have Leo back... And I've got James... Could we actually have everything?
GRACE: I think we might. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
WILL: I am. Let's call our friends and rub it in their faces!
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
[LATER. WILL IS CLEANING THE KITCHEN. KAREN IS STANDING BY WATCHING.]
KAREN: So... things are really working out for you two, huh?
KAREN: Grace is having a baby and going to get her hubby back. You've got Seal. Everybody's got something but me.
WILL: What are you talking about? You're worth 740 million dollars. You-you've got a husband who adores you. And you have the dark gift of eternal life.
[GRACE WALKS IN FROM HER BEDROOM. SHE'S DRESSED AND CLEANED UP.]
GRACE: I hope I picked the right thing to wear. I'm going for the love of your life whose not trapping you into marriage with a surprise pregnancy look.
WILL: God, I remember the first year that look hit the runways. I thought, "Who's going to wear that?"
[GRACE SMILES AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND JACK IS STANDING THERE.]
JACK: Hi, Grace.
GRACE: [STARTLED] Whoa!
JACK: Listen. Glad I caught you. So excited about the baby. Now, do a gay brother a solid. Swallow this tiny camera.
[JACK HOLDS UP A SMALL METAL OBJECT.]
JACK: It's for a new segment on "JackTalk" I'm going to call "Let's Meet Us the Fetus"
GRACE: Um, Jack. The baby is not in my digestive system.
GRACE: But if it were... this is the race car from a Monopoly game.
JACK: Well, the real camera is bigger than this. We gotta start small and widen your throat.
GRACE: Oh, Jack! I feel a kick.
[JACK BENDS DOWN TO FEEL GRACE'S STOMACH. SHE KICKS HIM IN THE SHIN AND WALKS OUT.]
[JACK CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND GRACE.]
JACK: So far, I do not like that baby. But your boyfriend on the other hand, is not only easy on the eyes, he is H-I-lari-O-U-S!
WILL: Why? What'd he do?
JACK: Okay. As we were leaving the gym, it was pouring rain and there were no cabs anywhere. [GIGGLING] Okay. And there was this nurse standing outside the hospital who'd obviously been waiting quite a while.
WILL: Yeah, and?
JACK: And so this cab pulls up and James yanks me right past her, and as we get in, James turns to me and he says--
WILL: Wait. You stole a cab from a nurse?
JACK: [LAUGHING] Yeah. In the rain. Anyways--
[JACK AND KAREN LAUGH.]
JACK: [LAUGHING] Anyways... James made the funniest joke.
KAREN: This is so funny, I'm already laughing and I don't even know what it is! That is so James!
JACK: I know, right! Right? She was mad! She was shaking that crutch at us as we drove away! Anyway. So James says--
WILL: "Please share our cab with us, wet, disabled nurse?"
JACK: No, no, no. James says-- Oh, now, I can't remember. Let me start over. Your boyfriend is H-I-lari-O-U--
WILL: Yeah, yeah, alright, yeah, yeah. I'm having lunch with James. He can tell me the story. I'm sure you told it wrong anyway. After all, you are the person who thought Dick Cheney was a bondage toy.
[WILL EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
SCENE V: A French Restaurant
[WILL AND JAMES ARE SITTING AT A TABLE LOOKING AT THEIR MENUS.]
JAMES: So I had a really fun time with Jack before. Oh, did he tell you? [CHUCKLING] Heh-heh-heh. The funniest thing happened to us.
WILL: Oh. I'm glad you brought this up. Because, yes, he did tell me the story, but I'm sure he got it wrong.
JAMES: Let me you, because it was hilarious.
WILL: Okay, I'm dying to hear it.
JAMES: Anyway, we, uh, we're coming out of the gym. [CHUCKLES] Oh, man this is really funny.
WILL: Tell me, tell me.
JAMES: It's pouring down rain, okay? And we can't find a cab anywhere. And there's this nurse--
WILL: Uh huh...
JAMES: [LAUGHING] So this cab pulls up... And I mean, it's coming down in buckets, right?
WILL: [UNEASY] Lot of rain. Got it.
JAMES: [LAUGHING] And then there's little nursey, okay?
WILL: Oh, God...
JAMES: So... Then we run past her, hop in the cab--
[JAMES IS LAUGHING SO HARD HE CAN BARELY TALK.]
JAMES: [LAUGHING] I'm sorry! Every time I think about it, it gets me going again. My stomach! Ooh. Did I tell you she had an eye patch?
WILL: Stop the story!
JAMES: Ha! What's the matter?
WILL: Well, I'm sorry, but I think I'm missing something in the obviously delightful tale of the wet, limping, underpaid health care worker who gets pushed out of the way by two healthy young men with umbrellas.
JAMES: No. No, I'm sorry. My friends tell me I have wicked sense of humor. It drove my ex-boyfriend crazy.
WILL: You've never mentioned an ex-boyfriend. Good, good. That's a good change of topic. Let's talk about that.
JAMES: Okay. Uh, well, Curtis and I were together about three years. He was funny, handsome... a lot like you. Aw. Uh, but then he got in a terrible skiing accident, was in the hospital for about a year.
WILL: God, that's awful. Must have been an incredible strain on your relationship.
JAMES: Oh, not for me. I was out of there in the first week. Who wants to deal with that? [LAUGHS]
SCENE VI: The Corner Coffee Shop
[GRACE IS SITTING AT A TABLE WAITING FOR LEO.]
[LEO AND GRACE SIT DOWN AT A TABLE.]
LEO: Listen. I'm sorry I'm late. I crossed the international date line on the way here, so I thought we already had this meeting.
LEO: You look good.
GRACE: Oh, you look good, too. I heard you just got back into the country. So, I, um... I have...
LEO: Let me make this easier for both of us... I think I know why you wanted to meet me.
GRACE: You do?
LEO: Yeah. You heard about Kate.
GRACE: Right. Kate.
LEO: I've been meaning to call you. I even wrote, like, three drafts of a letter, you know? I just didn't know how to tell you. How do you tell your ex-wife you're getting re-married?
[LEO CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
GRACE: You're getting remarried.
LEO: You knew, right?
GRACE: Oh, yes. I-- Yeah. Uh-huh. I just, um... I guess it just feels a little weird hearing it, you know, right from you.
LEO: I know. I know. It feels weird for me, too. I mean, when we saw each other in London, you know, I was thinking... maybe there's a chance that you and I could... you know... But you said you were gonna move on with your life, and that I should too.
GRACE: Yes, yes. I... I did... I said that.
LEO: I really-- I didn't think I could ever fall in love with anyone else, and then I met Kate.
LEO: I love her. She's great.
LEO: You're really gonna like her, too.
GRACE: Yay. [SIGHS] I am so glad that you found someone, Leo. That's all I wanted to say. I just wanted to say it in person, that's all.
LEO: That means so much to me. Well, it was great to see you. God, Grace, I thought this was gonna be so awkward, and it totally wasn't.
GRACE: No. No. No, not at all.
[GRACE GIVES LEO A QUICK KISS.]
GRACE: Bye, Leo.
LEO: Bye, Grace.
[LEO KISSES GRACES HAND AND WALKS TO THE DOOR.]
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
[KAREN IS SITTING ON THE SOFA READING A MAGAZINE WHEN JACK OPENS THE DOOR. HE SLOWLY ENTERS, CARRYING A BIG CARDBOARD BOX.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Is Grace home yet?
KAREN: Not yet. What you got there, honey?
JACK: Well, you know I tried to work with Grace. I asked her nicely to swallow a camera. And she said no. So, if she's not gonna share that baby with me willingly, I'm going to have to resort to trickery capture her pregnancy for "JackTalk". I've hidden inside this horse, a state of the art camera and microphone.
[JACK PULLS A LARGE STUFFED HORSE OUT OF THE BOX. THERE IS A VIDEO CAMERA TAPED TO THE SIDE OF THE HORSE. THE MICROPHONE IS TAPED ALONG ITS HEAD.]
JACK: Can you tell?
KAREN: Honey, I can't even see the horse.
JACK: Hello, Willard. How was lunch with James?
WILL: Good. Interesting. We had French food, which I didn't even know he likes. But then again we just met, so there's a lot of things we don't know about each other. Like, for instance, up until yesterday, he didn't know I'd never been to Vancouver, and I didn't know that he'd fake his mother's death just to avoid waiting in line for coffee. Oh, another new discovery... I hate cilantro, he hates the handicapped. I shouldn't say "hate". Hate's a strong word. Abandons. He abandons the handicapped. Again, learning. And what I'm learning is that I never want to see him again, because every new bone-chilling discovery I make about the man makes me want to trade him in for credit at the Hot Canadian Freak Store!
WILL: Hey. How'd it go with Leo?
GRACE: Oh, um, he... He met somebody. He's... he's, uh, engaged.
WILL: Oh, God.
JACK: What did he say about the baby?
GRACE: Oh, I didn't tell him. I mean, I-- I will. But it's you know... just... I just couldn't. Not then. Not... not right after he told me he was getting married.
WILL: [SIGHS] Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
[WILL GIVES GRACE A HUG.]
GRACE: It was crazy to think that all of a sudden we could just have a happy family.
KAREN: Honey, you do have a family. And I don't mean those Jews in Schenectady. I mean us.
WILL: That's right. We're in this together. Whatever you need, we are there for you.
JACK: It's true, Grace. We'll be right by your side every step of the way.
GRACE: Thanks, Jack.
[JACK PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE HORSE AND POINTS IT AT GRACE.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Day one. Devastation.
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
[WILL AND GRACE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE IN FRONT OF A LEGAL DOCUMENT. WILL POINTS TO THE DOCUMENT WITH A PEN.]
WILL: Sign here, and here, and your marriage to James is officially annulled.
[WILL GIVES THE PEN TO GRACE.]
GRACE: You're sure you want me to do this? Okay. He lied about his mother's death for muffins. He abandoned his physically disabled boyfriend. But, seriously. You are never gonna get a hotter guy than that.
WILL: He also said, "How are we gonna shake the knocked-up red head?"
GRACE: Back to Canada, baldie.
[GRACE SIGNS THE PAPERS.]