SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(Grace is talking on the phone.)
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Look, I can't see you again, Tom. You're married. I know we kissed, but that's all that happened. [PAUSE] Okay, that happened. [PAUSE] And that happened, too. But only because it fell out. Look, we really shouldn't be talking about this. I mean it. Please, don't call me again.
[WILL ENTERS WITH A CUP OF COFFEE.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY INTO PHONE] Call me later.
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
WILL: Where were you last night? I have huge news!
GRACE: I was here. I didn't go anywhere, I have morals.
WILL: Look, you can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you now. Karen's dead husband is not dead.
GRACE: What? Stan's alive? But there was a funeral. We scattered a trash bag full of his ashes.
WILL: Apparently, that was just dirt and Rice Krispies.
GRACE: [GASPS] Oh, my god, that's unbelievable! What happened?
WILL: Remember Malcolm? The guy who recruited me for his foundation? It turns out he works for "big brother."
GRACE: [GASPS] The TV show?
WILL: No, the government! He staged Stan's death because Stan was in some kind of trouble with the mob. So, for the last two years, he and Stan have been living under seclusion, under protection of "big brother."
GRACE: The government?
WILL: No, the TV show. Malcolm's sister-in-law is an associate producer or something.
GRACE: Ok. Wait a minute. Your new boss actually works for the government and has been protecting Stan all this time?
WILL: Yeah. He's not my boss anymore. I quit. The whole thing is just complicated and convoluted. It doesn't even make any sense. It's like the contract they make you sign when you marry Tom Cruise.
GRACE: Oh, God. Man. God, Stan is back from the dead. What did Karen say? I mean, she freaked when her stepdaughter came back from camp.
WILL: She doesn't know. No one can know until they're certain it's safe for Stan to come out of hiding. So, Grace, we can keep secrets, right?
GRACE: Oh, yeah. I mean, other people's secrets. I don't have any secrets. I'm a good person.
[JACK ENTERS. HE IS WEARING AN EYE-PATCH OVER HIS RIGHT EYE.]
JACK: Hey, Will. Where's Grace?
[WILL POINTS TO GRACE, WHO IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM.]
[JACK TURNS HIS HEAD AND SEES GRACE.]
JACK: How 'bout that. Right in the blind spot. Anyway, I'm sure you all heard about the horrible F-I-Asco at the premiere of "Jack Talk" last night.
WILL: Uh, no. And in case you've forgotten, we try not to give people reasons to call us "butt pirates."
JACK: [SIGHS] I tripped making my entrance, knocked over the lights, and caught the set on fire.
WILL: And that's when you hurt your eye?
JACK: No. When we were celebrating putting out the fire, I got a piece of glitter in my cornea. Grace, I called you last night. Where were you? Did you get together with that Tom guy? Because it seems like you two were really hitting it off--
GRACE: Stan's alive! Will saw him!
[JACK GASPS AS WILL SPRAYS HIS DRINK ALL OVER THE KITCHEN.]
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(A bit later.)
WILL: It's true, Jack. Last night I sat across from Stan and he talked to me, same as I'm talking to you right now. If I were eating 14 chalupas.
JACK: Wow. I need some time to process that. It may take a while because I only have one eye.
GRACE: All I know is that I was here last night. That's all I know.
[A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. WILL OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S MALCOLM. HE'S HOLDING A SMALL WHITE BAG.]
MALCOLM: Hi. [TO JACK AND GRACE] Hi, gang. [TO WILL] I'm sorry to barge in here unannounced, uninvited and wreaking of hummus, but Will... [LEANS CLOSER TO WILL] Can I speak with you privately, please? [WHISPERS] It's urgent.
WILL: [WINCING] Sure. Just let me get some pita to dip into your breath.
[MALCOLM AND WILL GO OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
MALCOLM: [HUSHED] Why did you quit your job? Is it because I said you couldn't wear open-toed shoes to work?
WILL: Uh, no, it's because I was working for a bogus charity, which was a cover for a shady government operation to protect a back-from-the-dead former client. And by the way, some sandals can be very dressy.
MALCOLM: I just hope you haven't been blabbing about Stan, because anyone that knows anything [WHISPERS] can be a target for assassination.
WILL: What?! You never mentioned that!
MALCOLM: Well, que sera, sera.
WILL: What does that mean?!
MALCOLM: Whatever will be will be. It's the very next line of the song.
WILL: I know what it means. I was obsessed with Doris Day the same as any other normal teenaged boy.
MALCOLM: Look, the important thing right now is to get these ice cream sandwiches into your freezer as soon as possible.
WILL: What are you doing with ice cream sandwiches?
MALCOLM: I'm gonna drop by without a gift? I think I was raised better than that.
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS RING.]
MALCOLM: No one can see us talking. Quick, I'm your boyfriend!
[MALCOLM GRABS WILL AND BEGINS KISSING HIM.]
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. KAREN AND ROSARIO ARE INSIDE. KAREN IS SITTING IN A MOTORIZED SCOOTER. HER LEFT FOOT IS WRAPPED.]
[KAREN SCOOTS OUT OF THE ELEVATOR. ROSIE FOLLOWS HER.]
KAREN: [TO WILL] Hey, hey, hey.
[MALCOLM AND WILL ARE STILL KISSING.]
KAREN: [CLAPS] Hey! Come on!
[MALCOLM AND WILL ARE STILL KISSING.]
KAREN: Will, Will! Will, that is just disgusting and unnatural.
[MALCOLM FINALLY LETS GO OF WILL.]
KAREN: [TO MALCOLM] Oh, you're not Grace. Never mind. Sorry.
[WILL NOTICES KAREN'S SCOOTER.]
WILL: Karen, what happened to you?
KAREN: Oh, you know how my big toe and the one next to it have always been webbed together?
WILL: No. Although I always assumed you had a tail.
KAREN: Yeah. Well, I finally had it surgically corrected. I can't swim in really fast circles anymore, but I can wear flip-flops.
ROSARIO: She removed the one thing that made her human.
[ROSARIO EXITS INTO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
[KAREN MOTORS TO FOLLOW HER, BUT MALCOLM STOPS HER.]
MALCOLM: Uh, excuse me, miss. Malcolm Widmark. I hope this isn't too forward, but I find you quite beautiful, and I look forward to the day that I see you ride this thing toward me on a very bumpy road. In a town where everyone's naked.
KAREN: Karen Walker, and it is pleasure to meet a true gentleman.
[KAREN HOLDS OUT HER HAND AND MALCOLM KISSES THE BACK OF IT.]
KAREN: Now, if you'll excuse me, the gap between my toes is throbbing like a son of a bitch.
[KAREN TURNS AND MOTORS INTO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
MALCOLM: Sheer elegance. What can I say, she is everything Stan said she would and much more.
WILL: Your package is dripping.
MALCOLM: What can I say? I like her.
WILL: Uh. The ice cream sandwiches! Give me that.
[WILL TAKES THE BAG FROM MALCOLM.]
[INSIDE WILL'S APARTMENT.]
KAREN: So the doctor said he could separate my toes with a laser. But I said, "Nope. Scissors." Hey, if it was good enough for my mother...
[KAREN CLICKS HER TONGUE AND POINTS TO HERSELF.]
KAREN: Ha-ha-ha. Anywho... Thanks for not making me feel self-conscious. [TO JACK] Hey. Cyclops. What's with the idiot patch?
JACK: I had the largest glitter-related tragedy since Mariah Carey's film debut.
[THE PHONE RINGS. GRACE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND ANSWERS THE PHONE.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Hello?
[GRACE DUCKS BEHIND THE COUNTER. JACK AND KAREN LOOK OVER AND WONDER WHAT SHE IS DOING.]
GRACE: [HUSHED INTO PHONE] Tom, I don't think I can go ahead with it. Because it's wrong. I said no, please just stop calling.
[GRACE STANDS UP AND HANGS UP THE PHONE.]
GRACE: The American Heart Association. They're relentless.
[MALCOLM AND WILL ENTER.]
MALCOLM: The boys are back.
[WILL GOES TO PUT THE BAG OF ICE CREAM SANDWICHES INTO THE FREEZER.]
MALCOLM: Ms. Walker, I have dated many women with physical and mental disabilities in my time, but of the ones in chairs, might I say you are the loveliest.
KAREN: Speaking of chairs, you look like a fun place to sit. How would you like to go out on a date with me? Right now.
MALCOLM: I can't see any reason why not.
WILL: You can't? Wanna to give it a minute?
KAREN: Well, let me just freshen up. Come on, Rosie. Vamoose, moose.
ROSARIO: I'm going on lunch, lady.
[ROSARIO PULLS A SUB SANDWICH OUT OF HER POCKET.]
ROSARIO: Mmm, Subway, chicken parm. Mmm. It could only taste better if I were eating this on your grave.
[ROSARIO WALKS BACK INTO WILL'S BEDROOM.]
KAREN: Sassy gals get the hose!
KAREN: You know, since my de-webbing, I have so much more compassion for people in pain.
[KAREN SCOOTS IN FRONT OF THE COUCH AND RUNS OVER JACK'S FOOT WITH HER SCOOTER.]
KAREN: Look out, sissy!
[KAREN SCOOTS INTO THE BATHROOM.]
WILL: Malcolm, can speak to you privately?
[WILL STEPS ON JACK'S FOOT AS HE WALKS PAST.]
[WILL AND MALCOLM GO OUT INTO THE HALLWAY.]
WILL: You can't date Karen! You're still protecting her husband. It's a clear conflict of interest.
MALCOLM: Ooh, "conflict of interest." Somebody went to the University of Fancy. Look, Will, don't worry. It's all part of the plan. We'll talk it over at the office tomorrow.
WILL: No, we won't. We're gonna do my plan. You don't date Karen. You accept the fact that I quit. And you never bring ice cream to a gay man's house. That's just hostile.
[BACK INSIDE THE APARTMENT, GRACE SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA NEXT TO JACK.]
GRACE: [SIGHS] Jack, you've had affairs with married men, right?
JACK: I am insulted you would even ask. Of course I have. That's like me asking you if you rely too much on your hair.
GRACE: Guilty. It even got me out of my math requirement at N.Y.U.
[GRACE COYLY PULLS HER HAIR IN FRONT OF HER FACE AND BATS HER EYES.]
GRACE: So you don't feel worried that cheating makes you a bad person?
JACK: Why? What have I done? My only crime is being irresistible. Besides, Grace, life is too short to waste time on over-thinking things. When an opportunity comes, I don't question it. I grab it, drop its ring on the nightstand, and swing on it 'til dawn!
GRACE: You make it -- you make it sound so hot. Necessary even.
JACK: Um, Yeah! And, um, it's also kind of sexy to have a secret no one knows. Like when you drink too much, and get a little tattoo that says "I love Will."
[JACK JUMPS UP NERVOUSLY.]
JACK: Did you hear that? Karen's hurt.
[JACK RUNS TO THE BATHROOM.]
JACK: Karen, are you okay?
[JACK OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR.]
[JACK SHUTS THE DOOR.]
JACK: Did you hear that? Rosie's hurt!
[JACK RUNS INTO WILL'S BEDROOM.]
[GRACE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND CALLS TOM.]
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Tom, hi. Let's do it. Yeah. Life is too short and I just want to grab at it and swing on it 'til dawn! [PAUSE] Oh, no, no, no, no, that's just a little figure of speech. I mean, we're going to run out of stuff way before dawn. Yeah, I don't do that much.
[GRACE HANGS UP AS WILL ENTERS.]
[JACK ENTERS FROM WILL'S BEDROOM.]
WILL: It's official. I don't trust Malcolm.
JACK: I don't trust Malcolm either. There, I said it.
WILL: No, I just said it.
JACK: But, you didn't say "there, I said it."
GRACE: I agree with Jack. Malcolm can't be trusted.
WILL: I said it before he-- Look, the important thing is we have to tell Karen the truth. That her husband is alive.
GRACE: We have to tell Karen Stan's alive. There, I said it.
WILL: No, I said it.
JACK: You're right, Grace.
WILL: I said it before-- I'm the one making dramatic pronouncements here!
KAREN: About what, honey?
[JACK PULLS AT WILL'S SLEEVE. WILL WALKS OVER TO KAREN.]
WILL: Karen, you can't go out with Malcolm.
KAREN: Why not?
WILL: Because-- Because Stan's alive.
[KAREN PAUSES FOR A SECOND AND THEN THROWS HER HEAD BACK AND LAUGHS LOUD AND LONG.]
MALCOLM: Now that is one hot cackle. [TO KAREN] Are you ready?
KAREN: Oh, Malcolm. You will not believe what Will just said to keep us from dating. He said that my dead husband Stan is alive!
[KAREN LAUGHS AND SCOOTS OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
MALCOLM: [LAUGHS] Oh, Will, you kill me... And one day I'm going to have to repay the favor.
[MALCOLM EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
JACK: I did not see that coming. Well, I saw half of it coming.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[A few seconds later... Malcolm re-enters the apartment.]
MALCOLM: [HUSHED AND ANGRY] Will! Out in the hallway now! [PLEASANTLY TO JACK AND GRACE] Hi, gang!
[WILL AND MALCOLM GO INTO THE HALLWAY.]
MALCOLM: Buddy, you made a big mistake telling Karen about Stan. Thank God she thought you were joking. If you pull that one more time, you are going to be majorly assassinated.
WILL: "Majorly assassinated"?
MALCOLM: Wicked assassinated?
WILL: Oh, for God's sake. This isn't about Stan anymore. There's no danger. You just want to sleep with Karen!
MALCOLM: Gosh, I just wanted to hold hands, but do you think she'll go all the way? I know I've overstated the danger to you. I want to keep Stan underground for a while longer to see if I have a future with his wife.
WILL: A future? You just met her! I've known her eight years and I just found out recently she has fish feet!
[BACK INSIDE THE APARTMENT. GRACE BRINGS A COUPLE OF PIECES OF LINGERIE INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
GRACE: Jack? Help me figure out what to bring. Which one is sexier?
JACK: Oh, Grace, I have no opinion on women's undergarments. I don't know what pokes through where. And where are you going?
GRACE: I'm going to meet Tom. You know what? I'm not even going to think about it. I'm going to close my eyes and do what I want. Oh, hey, hello, I'm George Bush, ha-ha.
JACK: Wait a minute. Are you telling me you intend to know a married man in the biblical sense? And in the vagina? You can't do that.
GRACE: Jack, we talked about this. You said it was, it was fun, and sexy.
JACK: Not for you! You are a woman of quality.
GRACE: That is such-- that's such a double standard. What, you get to do it, but I don't?
JACK: It's different for me, because-- because it-- I said-- [QUIETER] All right. Listen, I'm going to tell you something that does not leave this room, okay?
[JACK LOOKS AROUND]
JACK: [QUIET] I've never cheated.
GRACE: [SMACKING JACK ON THE CHEST] No!
JACK: Yes. I, too, am-- I, too, am a woman of quality. Sure, I talk a big game, but deep down, I know it's wrong, and so do you! Let's face it, Grace. You and I, we have always been the moral center of our group.
GRACE: We have?
JACK: Oh, come on. You know how when Will and Karen get in their ridiculous shenanigans, you and I always catch each other's eyes and shrug.
GRACE: We shrug?
JACK: Yes. Because we're moral. That is why we shrug. And Grace, you were devastated when Leo cheated on you. Do you really want to do that to someone else?
[JACK TURNS AND FACES "THE AUDIENCE".]
JACK: The more you know. [WAVING HIS HAND] And shooting star.
GRACE: You know what, Jack? You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.
[JACK TUGS AT GRACE'S LINGERIE.]
JACK: Tell me how you feel about this business then.
GRACE: I, I thought that I could be cavalier about love and sex, but that's not who I am. And I'm glad it's not. Thank you for being honest with me, Jack. Really.
JACK: Well... [SIGHS] If I'm really going to be honest, um... There's something else I need to say to you.
[JACK SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA AND PATS THE SEAT NEXT TO HIM. GRACE SITS DOWN.]
JACK: I, um, do not have a G.R.I., glitter-related injury. [SIGHS] It's something much more hideous.
[JACK PULLS OFF THE EYEPATCH. HE HAS NO EYEBROW! GRACE GASPS IN HORROR AND COVERS HER MOUTH.]
GRACE: Wh-- What-- What happened to your eyebrow?
JACK: Funny you should ask. During the fire, I sing'd it off.
GRACE: You mean "singed".
JACK: No, actually, I mean sing'd. As the set burned around me, I refused to stop singing my patriotic finale, You're a Grand Old Fag. When I went to salute, I didn't realize my sleeve was on fire...
[JACK SALUTES AND "POOF".]
[BACK IN THE HALLWAY... WILL AND MALCOLM...]
WILL: Okay, look, we're done.
MALCOLM: Will-- I didn't want to have to play this card, but if you keep it up, I'm coming after your family.
[MALCOLM PULLS OUT A PHOTO AND HOLDS IT UP.]
WILL: That's the Partridge Family.
MALCOLM: Would you be upset if they died?
[THE ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
WILL: Do not try to kiss me!
MALCOLM: I wasn't going to.
WILL: Why? Was I bad?
[THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. KAREN MOTORS OUT IN HER SCOOTER.]
KAREN: Wilma, Malcolm. Inside, we need to talk!
[KAREN SCOOTS INTO WILL'S APARTMENT.]
WILL: We certainly do.
MALCOLM: Will, don't make trouble for me. I just want to have dinner with Karen and catch a flight to D.C. by midnight. I have to shred some documents for a client. I can't say who, but I can't delay it. Do you understand? Delay it. It's Tom DeLay. It's Tom DeLay's documents!
WILL: You're an idiot!
[WILL AND MALCOLM FOLLOW KAREN INTO THE APARTMENT.]
[GRACE AND JACK ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. GRACE IS FIXING JACK'S EYEBROW WITH AN EYEBROW PENCIL. ROSARIO IS SITTING ON THE LOVE SEAT IN THE TELEVISION ROOM.]
KAREN: Well. Will said something that has made me very curious.
[JACK TURNS AROUND. GRACE HAS DRAWN A LARGE ARCHED EYEBROW TO REPLACE HIS MISSING ONE.]
KAREN: Well, I see you're curious too, Jack. I just don't understand why Will would lie to me about Stan being alive. I mean, come on, let's face it, Will and I have always been the moral center of our group.
[GRACE AND JACK GLANCE AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG. GRACE REALIZES THEY SHRUGGED AND JACK NODS.]
KAREN: Stanley loved me. He loved me too much to put me through the pain of the last two years for nothing. So I know he's dead and I don't want anybody saying otherwise!
ROSARIO: Miss Karen--
KAREN: Rosie, you stay out of this.
ROSARIO: Miss Karen, Mr. Stan isn't dead. I've been sending him updates on you for over a year.
WILL: He was in trouble, Karen. He had to disappear.
GRACE: And now the love of your life is back.
KAREN: Wow. Stan's alive. Well... Ain't that a kick in the pants. Rosie, thank you for finally telling me the truth. You're fired. I never want to see you again. Malcolm, I'm ready for our date. Stan may be alive, but he's still dead to me!
[MALCOLM FOLLOWS KAREN OUT OF THE APARTMENT.]
JACK: Wow. I feel so sad. Grace, will you change my eyebrow?