SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(Will and Jack are sitting at the table eating breakfast.)
JACK: Ew. Since when did they start making orange-flavored Cheerios?
WILL: Since you poured your juice in the bowl.
[GRACE ENTERS THE APARTMENT, CARRYING THE MAIL.]
GRACE: Hey. Our Alumni newsletter came today.
[GRACE OPENS THE COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY ALUMNI NEWSLETTER.]
GRACE: Oh, hey, Will... Look at this picture of Amy Scott on the Great Wall of China. That's two things you can see from space. [LAUGHS LOUDLY AND SNORTS.]
WILL: Yes, she's big-boned. Yes, it looks like this two-thousand year old wall is crumbling beneath her. But, do we really have to insult everyone whenever this thing comes out?
GRACE: Hey, if I'm donating 10 bucks to the school, I'm gettin' something for it.
WILL: I just think that kind of pettiness is a waste of energy. Why measure ourselves against other people's successes and failures?
JACK: That's crazy! How else are we gonna figure out if we're better than someone?
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Jack, just let it go, or else he'll start going on about his new therapist.
WILL: Anyways, that's what my new therapist says.
[GRACE PUTS HER HEAD DOWN IN HER HANDS.]
WILL: You know that New York Magazine named her one of the Top 75 therapists in the city? And if you don't count Jews, Top 2.
GRACE: [TO JACK] She wrote this book on seasonal affective disorder. It's amazing.
WILL: Yeah. I've been meaning to read that. Maybe in the summer when each day isn't like looking into a black abyss.
JACK: Call me old-fashioned, but I think therapy is a load of hooey. Give me six carefully placed leeches anyday.
WILL: You know, Grace, you should try Dr. Keller. She is tough, but good. Here's her card.
[WILL GIVES GRACE A BUSINESS CARD.]
WILL: [POINTING AT THE CARD] I'm the one that wrote "tough, but good".
GRACE: Why not. Maybe there will be a real loser in the waiting room who will make me feel better about myself. What time's your appointment?
KAREN: Oh. I just had the most horrible experience. This dwarf tried to steal my purse. Fortunately, I was able to wrestle him to the ground and get it back.
[KAREN HOLDS UP HER PURSE. IT'S A KID'S LUNCH BOX. JACK TAKES THE LUNCH BOX.]
JACK: Karen! This isn't your purse! It's a Dora The Explorer lunch box!
[JACK SHOWS THE LUNCH BOX TO WILL, TO TAKES IT AND LOOKS AT IT.]
WILL: You just mugged a little girl. A hungry, frightened little girl.
[WILL GIVES THE LUNCH BOX TO GRACE SO SHE CAN LOOK AT IT.]
KAREN: Are you saying I don't know a dwarf mugger in a plaid skirt and braids when she skips past me?!
JACK: I don't know, Karen. This is strikingly similar to last week when you thought that woman stole your fur and you came home with a seeing-eye-dog around your neck.
KAREN: Yeah, and that fur crapped all over my carpet, too!
JACK: Well, just in case, we need to go back to the school and make sure nobody's missing a lunch box.
[EVERYONE LOOKS AT GRACE, WHO HAS OPENED THE LUNCH BOX AND IS EATING THE SANDWICH.]
[JACK THROWS HIS HANDS UP IN DISGUST.]
GRACE: What? It's egg salad. What kid wants that?
SCENE II: Dr. Georgia Keller's Office
(Will nearing the end of his session with his therapist, Dr. Georgia Keller.)
WILL: It's just that I-I'm a partner now, and I should have a better stapler. I'm still using the same old Swingline that got me through law school. Now Gary, who isn't even a partner, has this new silver one that doesn't--
KELLER: Knock it off, Will. The stapler is your penis, and you're worried that Gary's is bigger.
WILL: Wow, you are tough. This is really resonating with me. I've--I've always had an issue comparing myself to other people. Oh, my God. This might have something to do with my brothers.
KELLER: Huh. Scoot over a little bit, you're blocking the clock.
WILL: Oh, sorry.
[WILL MOVES OVER A LITTLE BIT.]
WILL: I-I just remembered this thing that happened in a touch football game. It was Thanksgiving. I think I was about 12.
KELLER: Interesting. Would you like to share that?
WILL: I would.
KELLER: Well, you can't. 'Cause you crapped around for about 48 minutes talking about a stapler. So we'll get into that next week. In the meantime, I'd like to give you an assignment.
WILL: An assignment? Are you using your mind tricks to mold me into an assassin? [CHUCKLES] What's my code name?
KELLER: How about Grown Men Acting Cutesy Makes Me Wanna Throw Up?
WILL: I was hoping for double-O something. But...
KELLER: Okay, I'd like you to write a letter to your younger self, apologizing for what you've become. And warning him not to make the same mistakes.
WILL: How long does it have to be?
KELLER: I'm guessing it's gonna be quite long.
WILL: Should--should it be typed or handwritten?
KELLER: I don't care. I'm not gonna read it.
[DR. KELLER ESCORTS WILL OUT THE DOOR AND CLOSES IT BEHIND HIM.]
[IN THE LOBBY, GRACE IS WAITING IN THE SEATING AREA AS WILL EXITS THE OFFICE.]
WILL: [TO THE CLOSED DOOR] Thank you, Dr. Keller.
GRACE: How'd it go?
WILL: Whew. Intense. Grueling. Like I've never felt so raw, emotionally.
GRACE: Did you cry?
WILL: No, no. I did last week and she made fun of me.
GRACE: That is awful!
WILL: No, no, I deserved it. 'Cause I'm not a baby, I'm a man.
GRACE: I don't want to go in there. You may not know this about me, but I really hate talking about myself.
WILL: Well, it's courageous the way you force yourself.
[DR. KELLER OPENS THE DOOR AND PEEKS OUT.]
WILL: [QUIETLY TO GRACE] It's okay. It's only 50 minutes and I'll be right out here doing my homework.
GRACE: Ugh! There's homework? I'll just copy yours.
[GRACE ENTERS DR. KELLER'S OFFICE.]
SCENE III: Karen Walker's Penthouse, Master Bathroom
(The bathroom is empty. Jack opens the door and peeks in.)
JACK: Karen, are you in here? Ollie, Ollie, OxyContin.
[ROSARIO SUDDENLY SITS UP IN THE BATHTUB -- THERE IS NO WATER IN THE TUB, ROSARIO WAS NAPPING.]
[JACK JUMPS AND SCREAMS AND GRABS HIS CHEST.]
JACK: Aah! Oh! Rosie! I thought you were one of those alligators that come up from the sewer.
[JACK HELPS ROSARIO OUT OF THE BATHTUB.]
ROSARIO: I'm supposed to be cleaning, but this tub is softer than my bed.
JACK: Rosie, I'm worried about Karen. I think she might need glasses.
ROSARIO: Of course she does, but she won't admit it.
JACK: Well, why haven't you said anything?
ROSARIO: Eh, I'm not that invested.
JACK: Well, I'm gonna get her to admit it. [SIGHS] Why does the weight of the world always fall on my shoulders? Good thing I did my shrugs today.
KAREN: Oh. Rosie, this place is spotless. Whatever you've been doing, why don't you do it to the tops of your hands? [KAREN LAUGHS.]
ROSARIO: Great. I've been cleaning all morning.
KAREN: Oh, Rosie. As a reward for all of your hard work, I made you a nice big turkey sandwich. It's hanging from a string off the balcony. If you can get it, it's yours. Go on.
[KAREN SWATS ROSARIO ON THE BOTTOM.]
ROSARIO: Great. I put a tarantula in the liquor cabinet. If you can find it, it's yours.
[ROSARIO EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
KAREN: Jackie, you're here just in time to help me feed my fish.
[JACK SITS DOWN IN THE CHAIR IN FRONT OF THE FISH TANK AND LOOKS AT THE FISH.]
JACK: Fish tanks. [SCOFFS] People say they're relaxing, but I've never really found them to be...
[JACK'S HEAD FALLS AND HE FALLS ASLEEP.]
JACK: Oh, sorry! Hey, Kare, can I ask you something?
[KAREN PICKS UP THE FISH FOOD AND FEEDS THE FISH.]
JACK: Well, you know how I assert my individuality by wearing a gently satirical button every day?
[JACK POINTS OUT THE SMALL, PINK BUTTON HE IS WEARING ON HIS SWEATER VEST.]
KAREN: Oh, of course! Who could forget your "God is coming and she is pissed button"? [LAUGHS] God is a woman.... It's funny 'cause it's blasphemous.
JACK: So, do you like this one?
KAREN: Oh, yes, honey, I love it.
JACK: You didn't even read it.
KAREN: I did too.
JACK: Then what's it say?
KAREN: Honey, I don't need to tell you. We both know what it says.
JACK: Yeah, but I want you to read it.
KAREN: Why don't I read it later, honey? You know I always like to curl up in bed with a good button.
JACK: Read it.
JACK: Read it!
JACK: Read it!
KAREN: [SQUINTING] Uh... Um, uh, "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"?
JACK: No! I only wear that during Women's History Month. This one says, "A man's gotta believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
[KAREN LOOKS AT JACK, SLIGHTLY CONFUSED.]
JACK: [SHRUGS] Eh, the ladies like it.
KAREN: Jackie, why are you acting so crazy?
JACK: Because you're blind as a bat, Karen. You need glasses!
KAREN: My vision is perfect. How dare you!
[KAREN HAULS BACK HER ARM AND TRIES TO SLAP JACK ACROSS THE FACE, BUT MISSES HIS FACE BY SEVERAL INCHES.]
SCENE IV: Dr. Georgia Keller's Office, Lobby
(Will is sitting in the lobby, writing on a notepad. Another man, Nester, is sitting in the lobby waiting as well.)
WILL [VOICE]: Okay. A letter warning me not to make the same mistakes I've made... [WRITING] "Dear Young Will, When you're 19, your sleazy, perv of an English professor is going to offer you an A in exchange for sexual favors. Go for it."
NESTER: [TO WILL] 'Scuse me? Do you have the time?
WILL: [LOOKING AT HIS WATCH] Yeah, it's a quarter after... Oh, my God. She's been in there, like an hour and a half.
NESTER: Yeah, I know. It's going into my session. I need to tell somebody about that. Otherwise, I'll start another fire tonight.
WILL: Oh, that sounds cozy. [REALIZES] Oh, you mean-- Oh. [TO HIMSELF] God! Poor Grace. She's gotta be a mess.
[THE OFFICE DOOR OPENS AND GRACE AND DR. KELLER ENTER THE LOBBY LAUGHING.]
GRACE: [LAUGHING] Oh, Georgia! That was so fun. I can't believe how quick the time went.
KELLER: I had a great time too. You are a doll.
WILL: [TO DR. KELLER] I'm getting a jump on my letter.
KELLER: Ugh, you're still here. [TO NESTER] Oh, let's go, Nester. If you're good, I'll let you burn last month's magazines.
[NESTER FOLLOWS DR. KELLER INTO HER OFFICE.]
WILL: So, it went well?
GRACE: Oh, Georgia's great. [LAUGHS] Uh, she gave me an assignment. My younger self has to buy me a spa treatment as a gift for being so adorable.
WILL: I'm adorable! Why is Georgia making me write a stupid letter?
GRACE: Oh, I think she wants you to call her Dr. Keller. Well, I don't know what to tell you. I guess she likes me. We're gonna have lunch tomorrow.
WILL: What?! She told me if I ever see her in a restaurant, that I'm supposed to leave.
GRACE: Well, if you really must know, she wants to study me. She thinks I'm interesting.
WILL: You're not interesting! We passed, like, 20 of you on the way here.
GRACE: If I'm not interesting, then why am I gonna be a case study in her next book?
WILL: What are you even a case study for?
GRACE: Who cares? I'm in a book. Grace A. Adorable New York Neurotic.
[GRACE AND WILL EXIT THE OFFICE AND WALK TO THE ELEVATOR. GRACE PRESSES THE BUTTON.]
WILL: Well, I think this is a bad idea.
GRACE: Well, you're just saying that because you're not interesting enough to be a case study. Will T. Bitter New York Homo.
WILL: I'm interesting.
GRACE: You're not in a book.
WILL: Oh, who cares? How embarrassing. I feel sorry for you, selling yourself out for a little attention. So sad.
GRACE: It's killing you, isn't it?
WILL: I'm gonna get in that book, or this city is gonna burn.
[WILL AND GRACE ENTER THE ELEVATOR.]
SCENE V: An Upscale Optometrist's Office
(Jack and Karen are standing in the waiting area. There are three other people in the chairs as well.)
JACK: See, Karen, that exam wasn't as bad as you thought.
JACK: And it was quick too. 'Cause your pupils are already dilated.
KAREN: I guess so, but, you know, that doctor wasn't as thorough as I had expected. He almost forgot to do my breast examination.
JACK: With the rising cost of insurance these days, doctors don't touch you inappropriately unless you demand it.
KAREN: Oh, Jackie, you're a good friend. Thank you for making me come here. Even if I did have to be in the same room with of all these hideous freaks.
JACK: [TO THE PEOPLE IN THE LOBBY] Oh, she didn't mean all of you, no, no. But, I mean, if I, like, had to guess, probably, you know, like you and you. Excuse me, sir, can you turn around?
[THE THIRD MAN TURNS AND LOOKS AT JACK.]
JACK: Yes, definitely you, heh.
[THE OPTOMETRIST, DR. NORMAN, ENTERS FROM THE BACK ROOM CARRYING A PAIR OF GLASSES.]
DR. NORMAN: Well, your glasses are ready, Mrs. Walker. And I'm sorry I had to put in so many eye drops, but your eyes had absolutely no moisture in them. I actually had to blow dust off them.
KAREN: Rosie uses Pledge on a paper towel while I sleep.
DR. NORMAN: Well, why don't you try these on and see if they fit, because I really don't care to spend any more time with you.
[DR. NORMAN HANDS KAREN HER NEW GLASSES. KAREN PUTS THEM ON.]
KAREN: [GASPS] I can see! I can see! [TO JACK] Oh, there you are.
[KAREN HAULS BACK AND SLAPS JACK ACROSS THE FACE.]
JACK: Yay, you can see! Oh, and I'm tasting blood.
KAREN: So, is this what the world looks like? Everything is so crisp and clear and beautiful. [TO FIRST MAN IN CHAIR] Oh, except for you. And you.
JACK: Oh, you gotta get this guy to turn around, Karen.
[KAREN SNAPS HER FINGERS A FEW TIMES. THE THIRD MAN TURNS AND LOOKS.]
KAREN: Oh, yeah, honey, definitely you. Oh, seeing is a very powerful thing. You have to be very careful exactly--
[KAREN TURNS AROUND TO TAKE IT ALL IN... SHE TURNS AND SEES HERSELF IN A MIRROR.]
KAREN: [SCREAMS] AAH! Oh, my God! I'm a monster! Damn you, Doctor! [KAREN PULLS OFF THE GLASSES] Damn you and your evil, futuristic vision glasses!
DR. NORMAN: You know they've had glasses since the 16th century.
JACK: Yeah, um, she didn't like wearing them then either.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
(Grace is sitting on the couch talking on the phone.)
GRACE: [INTO PHONE] Hi, is this the Alumni Association? This is Grace Adler. I just wanted to give you a heads-up. I'm gonna be in a book. [PAUSE] It doesn't matter what kind of book. [PAUSE] Just please put in, "Grace Adler will be starring in a book."
[GRACE HANGS UP THE PHONE AS THE DOOR OPENS AND WILL ENTERS.]
GRACE: Hi. How was your session?
WILL: Oh, it was good. Yeah. Yeah, Georgia and I had a great time.
GRACE: You mean Dr. Keller.
WILL: No, no, Georgia. Guess who's in the book?
GRACE: What? How did you get in the book?
WILL: Well, I just dug deep. Like... I talked about the real issues of my life... my fears, my childhood, my last relationship. And then just to nail it, I-- When I talked about my mother, I-I developed a facial tick. [WILL TWITCHES HIS FACE AND NECK.]
GRACE: [GASPS] This is so unfair! The book is my thing! I had it first.
WILL: Yeah, well, she was my therapist first.
GRACE: You didn't even read her last book.
WILL: Well, I'll read this one. 'Cause I'm in it.
GRACE: Well, if you're gonna be in it, I don't wanna be in it.
WILL: Good, don't be in it.
GRACE: You don't be in it! She's obviously more interested in me.
WILL: Oh, really? Do you fake mental illness?
GRACE: I don't have to! This crazy is all real! You know what? I'm going to Georgia and I'm gonna tell her I will not stand for this.
WILL: What's she gonna to do? Kick me out of the book.
WILL: I'm going with you!
[WILL RUNS AFTER GRACE.]
SCENE VII: Karen Walker's Penthouse, Master Bathroom
(Karen is quietly laying on the settee, facing the corner, sadly staring at some flowers.)
JACK: Oh, Karen. Gosh, I felt so bad the way we left things, I rushed right over after seeing Vin Diesel in The Pacifier.
KAREN: I'm not gonna lie to you, Jackie. I am flattered that you raced to my side. But I still can't forgive you for making me try those devil goggles on.
JACK: But why? Karen, a lot of people wear glasses. Charles Nelson Reilly... Larry King... Jessica Tandy... You know, right up near the end there.
KAREN: Honey, that's my point. I'm getting old. You know, when I saw myself in that mirror today, all I could think was, I should be wearing a boa and Wayland Flowers should have his hand up my ass.
JACK: Well, there's nothing you can do about it now. Karen, all straight people age.
KAREN: Honey, sometimes I wish I was one of the little fishies. Hmm. They never get old. They never die. They just swim around and around in that tank for six months and then miraculously turn into a completely different kind of fish.
JACK: Karen, I'm not gonna have this argument with you again. You will never be a fish! Isn't it enough you drink like one?
KAREN: No! Now leave me alone, you vague, formless shape!
[KAREN STANDS UP AND WALKS AWAY FROM JACK AND TURNS HER BACK TO HIM, FOLDING HER ARMS.]
JACK: All right, fine. But you should know, there's no shame in getting old. There's only shame in getting ugly. But that's never gonna happen to you. All right? So here.
[JACK PULLS OUT KAREN'S GLASSES FROM HIS POCKET.]
JACK: I'm gonna leave these here, and you put them on when you're ready to join the real world.
[JACK PUTS THE GLASSES ON THE CHAIR AND EXITS THE BATHROOM. HE REOPENS THE DOOR AND STEPS BACK IN.]
JACK: And I mean "The Real World: Hawaii" with the funny drunk girl. Not "The Real World: Seattle", where the girl with the Lyme Disease got slapped.
[JACK EXITS THE BATHROOM.]
[KAREN SIGHS AND PICKS UP THE GLASSES. SHE WALKS OVER TO THE MIRROR AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND PUTS THE GLASSES ON.]
[ROSARIO ENTERS THE BATHROOM AND LOOKS AT KAREN AND SMILES.]
ROSARIO: You look stunning in those glasses, lady.
KAREN: I do? You really think so, Rosie?
ROSARIO: I do. You look like the lovely and talented Tina Fey.
KAREN: Wow. Well, if there's a compliment higher than that, I don't know what it is. You know what else, my sweet, sweet Rosie?
ROSARIO: What, Mommy?
KAREN: Now that I have these glasses on... I can see the layer of filth that's covering every surface in this bathroom, including you! So get your two friends, chamois and 409, and get to work!
ROSARIO: Enjoy those glasses, lady, because they're gonna be blended in your margarita tonight.
KAREN: No salt on the rim.
[KAREN EXITS AND SHUTS THE DOOR, LEAVING ROSARIO ALONE IN THE BATHROOM.]
SCENE VIII: Dr. Georgia Keller's Office, Lobby
(The elevator opens. Will and Grace exit the elevator and walk into Dr. Keller's lobby.)
WILL: I don't know why you have to be in this book, Grace. I'm sure sooner or later, somebody's gonna do a case study about handsome gay men and the women that bug the hell out of them.
GRACE: Well, you're already in a book. It's called, People Who Push Their Way Into Other People's Books 'Cause They're Too Lame To Get Their Own Book.
WILL: Yeah, I'm sure that's the working title.
[DR. KELLER OPENS HER DOOR AND STEPS INTO THE LOBBY.]
KELLER: Hey, what's going on out here? I'm in session.
WILL: Yeah, look, here's the deal. Only one of us can be in your book and I really think it should be me.
GRACE: And I think it should be me. I am way crazier than him. I almost cut all my hair off today.
WILL: Oh, please, she would never cut off her hair. It's half her personality. Reminds me of my mother. [WILL TWITCHES.]
GRACE: Fake! That's fake!
KELLER: Enough. Come on in.
WILL: I thought you were in session.
KELLER: I lied, I was having a scotch and a cigarette before my next client.
[WILL AND GRACE FOLLOW DR. KELLER INTO HER OFFICE.]
WILL: Do you mind if I bum a smoke?
GRACE: You don't smoke.
WILL: Yes, I do. I have an oral fixation because I was not breast-fed enough as a child.
GRACE: I have the same thing. I got it from my mother. [GRACE TWITCHES.]
WILL: That's my twitch. She stole my twitch!
GRACE: I steal too. I'm really messed up.
KELLER: Look, do you two really think that this fight is just about being in the book?
WILL: Oh, you mean what's underneath the book?
GRACE: Ugh, here we go.
WILL: Please, we went over it a million times. Our codependent relationship is toxic and will never grow until we spend more time apart.
GRACE: By clinging to each other, we're not emotionally available to anyone else, blah, blah, dysfunction--
WILL: Blah, blah, blah, psychologically crippled. We've been over it so many times. We've got it on coasters.
KELLER: Sorry, dumb asses. This is just about being in the book. Your relationship is fine.
WILL: It is?
GRACE: We're not toxic?
KELLER: Ugh. I'm gonna tell you what I told Mary-Kate and Ashley O. Together, you two pretty much balance each other out. Apart, you're just a couple of skinny little bag ladies with big sunglasses.
WILL: Hmm. Did you hear that? Our relationship is perfectly healthy.
GRACE: More importantly, she said we were skinny like the O. twins.