Ce script VO a été migré dans le guide de l'épisode.SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(Grace is in the kitchen getting a cup of coffee. Jack is sitting at the table and Vince is sitting on the couch. Karen enters. She's wearing a dark, blonde wig. It has a pony tail on top of it.)
KAREN: Hey, kids.
JACK: Hey, Karen, wow! I love the blonde. It's very Mary J. Blige meets Barbara Eden meets My Little Pony.
KAREN: Rosie's pretending to be sick so she's slacking off. She wouldn't even shampoo my hair in the shower this morning. [SIGHS] Luckily, my cook's teenage daughter was willing to sell me her hair. Oh, Will's boyfriend. You're a cop. I need you to get rid of these tickets for me.
VINCE: These are tickets to Harvey Fierstein in Fiddler On the Roof.
KAREN: Yeah, well you can see why I'd wanna get rid of them. Hop to it!
JACK: Karen, Vincent has been fired for trying on gloves in a hostage situation. But Will doesn't know. He also doesn't know I've been using his ATM card for the past two years.
GRACE: Vince, you're gonna have to tell him, you know. He'll understand. Will loves accessories. For God's sake, he names his scarves.
VINCE: I know. Remember that time he almost cried because he dropped coffee on Burberry Pete. No, I'm gonna tell him. All right? I'm just waiting for the perfect time.
WILL: Unbelievable news. I'm up for partner!
WILL: Yeah! [TO VINCE] And you, mister, are taking me out to celebrate. I'm talking about the most expensive restaurant in the city.
VINCE: I can't. I got fired.
WILL: What?! You-- What do you mean you got fired? What happened?
VINCE: It was like two weeks ago. We followed this perp into Saks, when I noticed these cashmere gloves. So, I just tried them on for a second. And just when I was seeing how it looked with a navy cardigan, the cashier got shot.
WILL: And they fired you for that?!
GRACE: Just to play devil's advocate, wouldn't those gloves have been just as cute after you disarmed the gunman?
JACK: Wow, so you hate gays, too.
KAREN: Oh, Jackie. We only hate gays that's what's in right now. Hating gays, hating evolution. It's the new age of enlightenment.
VINCE: I've been trying to get a new job, it's just that--
WILL: Hey, hey, hey, don't worry. You'll land on your feet. Unlike the cashier. So who's gonna take me out to dinner?
JACK: I will. I'll use my ATM card.
SCENE II: The Offices of Doucette and Stein, Will's Office
(Will and Grace are eating Chinese food out of the take-out containers for lunch. Grace holds up a piece of food with her chopsticks.)
GRACE: Is this a mushroom or a cockroach?
WILL: What do you care? It's deep fried.
[GRACE EATS THE BITE OF FOOD AND NODS.]
WILL: Listen, I know Vince has been around a lot lately, but please, if he starts to get on your nerves, say something.
GRACE: No, he's fine.
WILL: Seriously, you won't hurt my feelings. I mean, he hasn't left the apartment in a month. And that couch is practically growing out his ass.
GRACE: No, I understand. He got fired. He's going through a hard time.
WILL: Well, it must bug you... that-that he's gained weight, stopped showering, steals jokes from commercials an-an-- and pretends that they're his own. I mean, that's gotta be a huge turnoff for you.
GRACE: I'm sorry, but I like his little pooch. And I always laugh when he farts and says, "Can you hear me now?" [LAUGHS]
WILL: Ooh, ooh! The new senior partner's coming. Wipe that rice off your neck. Oh, it just crawled off-- Where did we order from?
[SENIOR PARTNER MARGOT ENTERS WILL'S OFFICE.]
MARGOT: How's my favorite gay lawyer at the firm? Not that there's a quota or anything, but three is plenty.
WILL: Oh, um, Margot, this is my friend, Grace. I don't think you've met before.
MARGOT: Please, Will, don't introduce me to everybody as your boss.
WILL: Well, actually, I didn't. Grace, this is Margot.
MARGOT: Please... call me Margot.
[MARGOT SHAKES GRACE'S HAND.]
GRACE: Oh, good... 'cause that was kind of my only option.
MARGOT: I'm having a dinner party Friday for the three candidates for partner.
WILL: Oh, great!
MARGOT: Please do not infer it's going to be any kind of competition.
WILL: Oh, no, no, of course not.
MARGOT: But by the end of the evening, I will have chosen one of you for partner.
GRACE: Wow, a party's not a party unless someone goes home devastated.
MARGOT: [CHUCKLES] Oh, I agree. Why don't you come, Grace? Maybe you could be that someone. No, just kidding. There's a great guy I'd like to set you up with. Oh, how rude of me. I don't know why, I just assumed you were bitterly divorced.
GRACE: No, I am. I'd love to come.
MARGOT: Great. And Will, bring your boyfriend. I'm dying to meet him.
WILL: Oh, I'm dying to have you meet him. Heh heh...
[MARGOT EXITS WILL'S OFFICE.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] There is no way I'm bringing that sack! He'll make me look bad. He'll screw up my chances!
GRACE: Stop complaining and start supporting him. That fat, lazy, farting sack is your boyfriend.
SCENE III: Café Jacques'
(Karen is sitting down at the table outside Jack's apartment. Jack hands Karen a cup of coffee.)
KAREN: Well, I gotta hand it to Rosario. It's been over a month, and she's still pretending to be sick. [CHORTLES] She's even managed to raise her temperature up to 104 and make her glands swell up so much, they feel like knees. [LAUGHS]
JACK: Uh, Karen, have you ever thought she might actually be sick?
KAREN: Honey, what would give you an idea like that?
JACK: I mean, look at her.
[ROSARIO IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH KAREN, SLUMPED OVER WITH HER HEAD ON THE TABLE.]
ROSARIO: [WEAKLY] I'm sick.
KAREN: [TO JACK] Can you believe this one? [TO ROSARIO] Hey, Meryl Streep! Why don't you start preparing for your next role as the woman who throws away my gum?
[KAREN PULLS HER GUM OUT OF HER MOUTH AND HOLDS IT OUT FOR ROSARIO. ROSARIO GETS UP AND TAKES THE GUM.]
ROSARIO: Eh, start flossing, lady. There's a tooth in here.
[ROSARIO SHUFFLES INTO JACK'S APARTMENT.]
JACK: You know, Karen, Rosie's color is kinda off.
JACK: Although... What color is she supposed to be?
KAREN: I ordered her in hunter green, but she's faded.
[KAREN LOOKS AT HER WATCH.]
KAREN: Ooh! Listen, honey, I gotta get going. I gotta go to my Christian Book Club meeting. Today we're burning Catcher in the Rye.
[KAREN PICKS UP HER COAT AND BAG AND PRESSES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
JACK: Karen, I really think we should take her to the hospital.
KAREN: [CHUCKLES] Yeah, okay. Tell her to meet me at the library with some lighter fluid and a fast car.
[KAREN GETS IN THE ELEVATOR AND EXITS.]
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR TO HIS APARTMENT.]
JACK: Rosie, I think I'm gonna take you over to--
[JACK SUDDENLY STOPS IN THE DOORWAY.]
JACK: [GASPS] Oh, my God, Rosie! [LOUD, HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING] OH MY GOD!!
[JACK FALLS TO HIS KNEES, CRYING.]
JACK: [CRYING] Rosie!
ROSARIO [VOICE]: What?
JACK: Oh. The way you were drinking your tea, it seemed like you were dead.
SCENE IV: Margot's House
(Will and Grace have arrived at Margot's house. They are in the foyer removing the coats.)
GRACE: So when's Vince getting here?
WILL: Oh, any minute. He's coming straight from his new job, which he is over the moon about. Assistant Head of Security at Harry Winston Jewelers. He loves it even more than being a cop. I'm telling you, that man would take a bullet for chandelier earrings.
[MARGOT ENTERS THE FOYER FROM THE LIVING ROOM. SHE IS FOLLOWED BY ROZ AND HER HUSBAND GLENN, AND GARY AND HIS WIFE NICOLE.]
MARGOT: And that is the staff bathroom. Otherwise known as the one you'll all be using. Will, Grace, welcome. Will, that is not a present. I told you no presents.
WILL: Oh, no, actually it's my scarf.
[MARGOT TAKES WILL'S SCARF.]
MARGOT: Ah! I love it. Thank you.
GARY: Yeah, we all brought gifts. And, apparently, I brought my wife's watch.
NICOLE: It was my grandmother's.
MARGOT: Grace, this is Leonard. The man I've told you so much about.
[MARGOT INTRODUCES GRACE TO LEONARD, A SMALL OLDER MAN IN HIS 60s OR 70s.]
GRACE: [TAKEN ABACK] Oh, this is-- Hello, nice to meet you...sir.
[GRACE AND LEONARD SHAKE HANDS.]
MARGOT: Does anyone feel the heat in here? Let's get out of here before clothes start flying off.
[WILL FOLLOWS MARGOT INTO THE LIVING ROOM, LEAVING GRACE AND LEONARD ALONE IN THE FOYER.]
LEONARD: [TO GRACE] I know I'm a little older than you expected. But if it makes you feel any better, I've looked the same way since 1948.
[IN THE LIVING ROOM, GARY IS KISSING UP TO MARGOT...]
GARY: Margot. I love the way you've decorated. It's, uh, very elegant.
ROZ: But then, you're an elegant woman.
MARGOT: Look, Gary, Roz, get off my leg. There's no reason to suck up. You don't need to be worried that whoever doesn't make partner tonight is fired from the firm. Because that is not for sure.
[WILL AND GARY LOOK AT EACH OTHER NERVOUSLY.]
[IN THE FOYER, LEONARD IS POURING A GLASS OF WINE FOR GRACE.]
LEONARD: So... how do you fit into this group?
GRACE: Oh, well, my friend Will works at the firm. Do you know Margot well?
LEONARD: You could say that. I'm her husband.
GRACE: Old and married. Wow, I feel like Cinderella.
[BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM...]
MARGOT: I must say this tapestry of tension I've created is making me weak in the knees. And it's working its way up.
[THE DOORBELL RINGS.]
WILL: Ooh, uh, I'll get it. I'm sure it's Vince.
MARGOT: Ah, two gay men in my apartment. It's like the '70s again.
[WILL EXITS INTO THE FOYER AND OPENS THE DOOR FOR VINCE.]
WILL: [ANNOYED] Thank God, you're here! If you were any later, you'd have really embarrassed me.
VINCE: [CRYING] I got fired! [SOBBING]
WILL: What?! What happened?
VINCE: [CRYING] They had these diamond covered gloves... [SOBS] and I was trying them on...
WILL: What the hell is with you and gloves?!
[WILL AND VINCE HAVE JOINED THE OTHERS IN THE LIVING ROOM.]
GARY: Oh, Will. You're not gonna believe this, but I'm gonna love telling you. Seems Nicole and Margot went to the same all-girls' school.
MARGOT: Gave me a solid academic background and half a dozen character-building, lesbian experiences.
WILL: Well, Vince and I aren't lesbians, but we, uh, don't have much sex anymore, so that's close. Is that--isn't that right, Vince? Huh, Vince?
[VINCE TURNS AROUND.]
VINCE: [CRYING] Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, I was just, uh--
[WILL LOOKS AT VINCE AND SMILES BIG AND POINTS TO HIS SMILE.]
VINCE: [WHILE SMILING AND CRYING] I was just, uh...I was just thinking that I'm lost and I'll probably never work again.
[IN THE FOYER, GRACE AND LEONARD ARE SITTING BY THE FIREPLACE.]
LEONARD: You must think I'm pretty pathetic.
GRACE: [SHRUGS] Eh.
LEONARD: I love Margot. [WEEPING] I'll never move on.
GRACE: [INDIFFERENT] Maybe you will. Maybe you won't. Do you know what's for dinner?
LEONARD: I don't care. I'd sleep on the guest bed that the cats pee on just to be near her.
GRACE: Yeah. Is there any chance we've been talking for three hours?
LEONARD: It sounds like you're getting a bit mad at me.
GRACE: No, I'm not mad. It's just that, you know, you're a little frustrating.
LEONARD: You wanna take it out on me?
LEONARD: Spank me.
[MARGOT IS TOASTING EVERYONE IN THE LIVING ROOM.]
MARGOT: I am so glad we could do this tonight. Because I think of the firm as a family. And there is nothing more important than family.
GLENN: Well, speaking of family--
ROZ: [INTERRUPTING] Shh...
GLENN: What? It's great news. [TO EVERYBODY] We're having a baby.
ROZ: No, we're not. Nothing's definite. I might not keep it.
MARGOT: A baby! Congratulations. That is wonderful news.
WILL: [QUIETLY TO VINCE] Do you wanna adopt? I need an answer right now.
MARGOT: [TO ROZ] You're going to a terrific mother, Roz. And now, let's all sit down to dinner.
[EVERYONE STANDS UP TO WALK INTO THE DINING ROOM.]
MARGOT: [TO ROZ] Oh, not you, Roz. You can go home.
MARGOT: Well, you're not going to be partner. And this has nothing to do with those silly studies that say a mother is less productive in the workplace. But there are of those studies, and they all say the same thing.
SCENE V: Café Jacques'
(Karen is sitting at the table, impatiently looking at her watch. The elevator dings and Jack steps off.)
KAREN: Honey, where the hell have you been? You know that when I drop by unexpectedly, I like for you to be here so that you can say something stupid and I can say something about recreational drugs!
JACK: Didn't you get any of my messages? Rosie is in surgery!
KAREN: If they can get her boobs above her waist, they deserve a Nobel prize. [CHUCKLES]
JACK: Karen, this isn't a joke! She could die! She has tonsillitis! You hear me? Tonsillitis! Her tonsil is fused to her itis.
KAREN: Okay, I see what she's doing. She's faking so that she can get her tonsils taken out and sell them to Japanese people as an aphrodisiac.
JACK: Well, I've just raced home to get a nurse's best friend-- her Patch Adams nose.
[JACK OPENS THE DOOR TO HIS APARTMENT AND REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT A BIG RED CLOWN NOSE.]
JACK: Thank God, I keep a bowl of them by the door.
[JACK CLOSES THE DOOR TO HIS APARTMENT.]
JACK: Now, Karen, you should come with me.
KAREN: And why would I do that?
JACK: To show her that you care for her and that you love her.
[KAREN HAULS BACK AND SLAPS JACK ACROSS THE FACE, HARD.]
KAREN: [OFFENDED] You take that back!
JACK: Oh, I know what this is. People avoid sick loved ones so they don't have to face the idea of losing them.
[KAREN SCOFFS AND ROLLS HER EYES.]
JACK: Saw it all the time in the hospital. That's why when I was a nurse, whenever somebody died, I hid them under the bed.
[JACK PRESSES THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
JACK: Now, are you coming?
KAREN: No! And you can tell that package of assorted chicken parts she better get her thighs and her giblets back to work or she can find another coop to sleep in. Chicken!
[THE ELEVATOR DINGS AND JACK STEPS IN.]
JACK: It is a shame I am the taking this seriously.
[JACK PUTS ON THE CLOWN NOSE AS THE ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE.]
SCENE VI: Margot's House
(Grace and Leonard are still sitting by the fireplace. Grace is slightly uncomfortable.)
GRACE: Not that I'm not enjoying my fantasy date... but don't you think we should join everyone for dinner?
LEONARD: Oh, she doesn't let me eat with her. And since you're my date, you don't get to eat either. Probably makes you mad.
GRACE: It does make me mad.
LEONARD: Mad enough to spank me?
GRACE: No, Leonard, I'm not gonna spank you.
LEONARD: But you want to. Because I remind you of every weak man who's ever let you down.
GRACE: That's true.
LEONARD: And you'd like to hit these men, wouldn't you?
GRACE: No-o! Although there are a lot of them, and they would deserve it.
[LEONARD STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO GRACE.]
LEONARD: [SOFTLY BEGS] So just try it.
LEONARD: Heh, you're divorced, aren't you?
[GRACE SMACKS LEONARD'S BUTT.]
LEONARD: Thank you. What was it, another woman?
GRACE: Leonard... I'm gonna need you to stand like this.
[GRACE TURNS LEONARD AROUND AND PUTS HIS ARMS ON THE FIREPLACE MANTEL.]
GRACE: And brace yourself.
[GRACE HOLDS UP HER HAND TO SPANK HIM.]
[IN THE DINING ROOM, ROZ, GARY, NICOLE, WILL AND VINCE ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER -- EXCEPT FOR VINCE WHO IS JUST SITTING THERE STARING AT HIS PLATE.]
NICOLE: ...So I don't ride anymore, but we still a horse stable in Millbrook.
WILL: Vince, you--you were on mounted duty for awhile, right?
VINCE: Yeah. I had a horse named Snowflake. Real smart. During the Republican Convention, he ran right past the protestors and took a crap in front of Zell Miller.
MARGOT: Ha ha. That is officially my favorite story of the evening.
[LEONARD ENTERS THE DINING ROOM.]
LEONARD: Excuse me.
[HE WALKS OVER TO A TABLE AND PICKS UP A SMALL METAL FAN-SHAPED OBJECT.]
[HE TURNS AROUND AND WALKS BACK TO THE DOOR, PAUSES, THEN RETURNS TO THE TABLE AND REPLACES THE FAN WITH A LARGE METAL OBJECT. HE THEN EXITS THE DINING ROOM.]
MARGOT: Looks like someone made a new friend.
VINCE: Snowflake was like a brother to me. I wonder what he's doing now.
WILL: Well, whatever it is, I'm sure he's-- he's the glue that the precinct together. [CHUCKLES] Heh heh...
VINCE: [SOBBING] God, I miss that horse! Will you excuse me?
[VINCE GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND GOES INTO THE FOYER, STANDING NEARY THE DOORWAY TO THE DINING ROOM.]
WILL: [NERVOUS LAUGH] Well... I'll be right back, I-- Remember before, when the horse took a crap in front of Zell Mi-- I'll be right back.
[WILL FOLLOWS VINCE INTO THE NEXT ROOM.]
WILL: [QUIETLY TO VINCE] Get it together! Forget about Snowflake. Snowflake is dead.
VINCE: Snowflake is dead?!
WILL: Oh! No! The subject is dead. Talk about something else, something happy.
[MARGOT CAN SEE WILL AND VINCE FROM THE DINING ROOM.]
MARGOT: Will, sit down right now, or my finger is going into your wine.
WILL: But, Margot, what--wh a supposed to--to do?
MARGOT: And my finger is in your wine.
[MARGOT PUTS HER FINGER INTO WILL'S WINE AND STANDS THERE.]
MARGOT: Your move.
WILL: You know what? My move is something I should have done a long time ago. I'm going home and taking care of my boyfriend.
VINCE: Uh, it's okay. It's okay. [STIFLED SOB] I'm okay.
WILL: No, you're not. Come on, Vince, we're going. [TO GARY] Congratulations, Gary. You're partner.
GARY: Yes! Ha ha ha!
MARGOT: Hang on, buddy. I'm the only one around here who can make someone partner. And I'm hardly going to do it during this awkward moment. Will, you're partner.
GARY: This isn't fair!
MARGOT: Oh, grow up, Gary. Will's getting promoted because his performance reviews were better. This has nothing to do with your uninteresting wife.
GRACE: Excuse me. Will, can we go home?
WILL: In a minute. I just-- I think I just made--
GRACE: [WHILE SPANKING WILL'S BUTT] I said now!
[EVERYONE STARES AT GRACE.]
GRACE: Oh, my God. I can't stop.
SCENE VII: The Hospital, Patient Room
(Rosario is lying in bed, post surgery. Jack is standing next to her bed and tucks her into her blanket.)
JACK: Now, remember, Rosie, the doctor says your throat is gonna be very tender and talking may cause excruciating pain. So only speak when absolutely necessary.
ROSARIO: [HOARSE WHISPER] Thank you, Jack.
JACK: I'm sorry, dear, what?
ROSARIO: [HOARSE WHISPER] I said, thank you.
JACK: Now, darlin', how can I help ya if I can't hear ya? [CHUCKLES] Okay...
ROSARIO: [STRAINED WHISPER] Thank you, Jack.
JACK: Oh, "Thank you, Jack." Oh, Rosie, that's fine. Yeah, you're welcome. But, really, you should save your voice. Yeah, you should have just said, "Thank you." You didn't need to add "Jack." Try it again.
KAREN: All right, all right. You can quit your fakin', Rosie, you've made your point. You're gonna get an extra 25 cents an hour. And a new pack of sponges. Okay? So, take a bow. Get back to work.
JACK: What? Rosie doesn't want you here, so why don't you just go--
ROSARIO: [HOARSE WHISPER] She can stay.
JACK: Once again, sweetheart, it is so hard to hear you!
ROSARIO: [STRAINED WHISPER] She can stay.
JACK: Chicken steak? All right, I'll get you some. But I'm tellin' you, it's gonna go down like broken glass.
[JACK EXITS THE HOSPITAL ROOM.]
KAREN: All right, Rosie. I need you to get out of that bed and start walking. You know what that is, don't ya? Put one knuckle right in front of the other. Come on! I'm not foolin' around, you lazy refried--
[THE HEART MONITOR BEINGS BEEPING RAPIDLY.]
KAREN: [GASPS] Oh, my--
[THE HEART MONITOR EMITS A STEADY, FLATLINE BEEP.]
KAREN: Oh, no, Rosie! Rosie, don't die! No! I'm sorry. I knew you weren't faking the whole time. I just couldn't admit that you were really sick because then I would have to think about losing you, and I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready, I tell ya! Oh, come on, Rosie, I always thought I'd be the first one to go.
ROSARIO: [HOARSE WHISPER] Don't worry, you will. Little thingy came off my finger.
[ROSARIO PLACES THE HEART MONITOR BACK ONTO HER FINGER AND THE STEADY BEEPING RESUMES.]
SCENE VIII: Will's Apartment
(Will and Vince are sitting on the couch alone.)
WILL: How you doin'?
VINCE: Better. Thanks for saying all that nice stuff.
WILL: Eh, I should have said it a long time ago.
VINCE: This isn't working.
WILL: What do you mean?
VINCE: Come on, Will, I'm driving you nuts.
VINCE: Be honest.
WILL: Maybe a little.
VINCE: You know, I love having a guy who stands up for me. I just hate being the guy who has to have somebody stand up for him.
VINCE: I just need a little time to figure some stuff out.
WILL: Wow. Okay... um... what do we do?
VINCE: I don't know.
WILL: Maybe we take a-- take a break?
VINCE: I don't wanna break up.
WILL: Not break up, no, just take a-- take a break. I mean, everybody says that, but we--we really... mean it.
VINCE: Okay. Good.
[VINCE GETS UP FROM THE COUCH AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. HE STOPS BEFORE HE EXITS.]
VINCE: So, uh... [CRYING] I'll see ya.
WILL: Yes, you will. [WILL SMILES.]
GRACE: Where's Vince?
WILL: I think we just broke up.
SCENE IX: The Hospital, Rosario's Room
KAREN: You know, you gave me quite a scare just then, little miss.
[KAREN TAKES ROSARIO'S HAND AND KISSES IT.]
ROSARIO: [HOARSE WHISPER] I'm sorry, mommy.
[JACK ENTERS CARRYING A BAG OF FOOD.]
JACK: Rosie, they were out of chicken steak, so I got you jalapeño nachos and peanut brittle.
[JACK NOTICES KAREN IS HOLDING ROSARIO'S HAND.]
JACK: Oh, Karen. [TSK] You do love her.
[KAREN HAULS BACK AND SLAPS JACK ACROSS THE FACE.]
KAREN: I do, Jackie.