Ce script VO a été migré dans le guide de l'épisode.
SCENE I: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN. VINCE IS IN THE SHOWER. GRACE EXITS FROM HER BEDROOM IN HER PAJAMAS AND KNOCKS ON THE BATHROOM DOOR.]
GRACE: Vince, hurry up!
[GRACE WALKS OVER TO WILL IN THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Your boyfriend's in the shower for 20 minutes. Of all the cops you could have dated, you hook up with "Dirty Mary."
WILL: Grace, he's a gay catholic. He may never feel clean.
[GRACE NOTICES THAT WILL HAS A PASTRY BAG AND IS FROSTING.]
GRACE: Whoo-Ha? Frosting for breakfast? Any chance of slathering this on some cold pizza?
[GRACE SCOOPS UP SOME FROSTING WITH HER FINGER AND EATS IT.]
WILL: I'm just practicing my piping for my birthday cake. And breaking in the new pastry bag--
GRACE: Will, no! You've got to stop buying pastry bags.
[GRACE OPENS A DRAWER AND BEGINS PULLING OUT PASTRY BAGS.]
GRACE: No matter how many of these you buy, you cannot frost the pain of your childhood away.
WILL: Grace, I'm not trying to frost the pain of my childhood away. I'm trying to frost away the pain of every sad, crappy birthday I ever had. What kind of monsters give a 10-year-old boy a baseball mitt, when what he asked for was an autographed 8x10 of Chita Rivera?
GRACE: You have some lousy birthdays. Remember the year we went to James Taylor, and that drunk roadie peed on you?
WILL: Hmm, yeah. Ironically during "Shower the People."
WILL: You know that I'm actually looking forward to my birthday this year? I mean look at me. I got a great job, good friends, clean boyfriend. I think if I ever had a shot at breaking this streak of bad birthdays, this is it.
GRACE: Yeah, well, the bar's pretty low. If you get a couple of decent presents and don't get peed on, it's the best one ever.
WILL: I hope Vince gets me something good. His taste is a little suspect. Ya know like when he got me those cufflinks... off a suspect. I'm not even allowed to wear them outside until the trial's over.
[VINCE EXITS THE BATHROOM, DRESSED IN HIS POLICE OFFICER'S UNIFORM.]
VINCE: Look how nice my hair looks. And now I gotta put a hat on? I swear if this blue didn't make my eyes pop, I'd be in sales.
[GRACE STARTS WALKING TO THE BATHROOM WHEN JACK SUDDENLY ENTERS IN HIS BATHROBE AND A HAIR CAP.]
JACK: You're tellin' me! I've been waitin' all morning.
[JACK RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR IN GRACE'S FACE.]
SCENE II: A Restaurant
[KAREN IS SITTING AT A TABLE WAITING IMPATIENTLY. JACK RUNS IN AND SITS DOWN.]
KAREN: Jackie, where have you been? You know that I need to arrive last.
JACK: I know. I'm sorry.
KAREN: [SCOFFS] Honestly!
[KAREN PICKS UP HER PURSE AND EXITS. A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER, KAREN ENTERS AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH JACK.]
KAREN: Oh, God, honey, I'm sorry I'm late.
JACK: Now, come on. Will's birthday's Friday, and we have to figure out what present to get him.
KAREN: [SIGHS] Oh, honey. This Friday?
JACK: What's the matter, Karen?
KAREN: Oh, Jackie. This Friday would have been Stan's birthday too.
JACK: Stan had the same birthday as Will? It's amazing how many fatties are Libras. So you gonna be okay?
KAREN: Yeah, come on. I barely paid attention to Stan's birthday while he was alive. I'm certainly not gonna start worrying about it now. Okay. So what are we gonna get for lady gay?
JACK: Well, I am Will's best friend, and he is one of my closest casual acquaintances. So... I'm gonna go all out for him. Okay, I'm gonna have you spend $40,000 on a gift and put my name on the card.
SCENE III: A Department Store
[VINCE IS BROWSING THROUGH SOME TIES AT A COUNTER. GRACE WALKS UP BEHIND HIM AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.]
VINCE: [JUMPS AND SCREAMS] Hey!
GRACE: I said "hi-ya". How could that have scared you?
VINCE: Whoa, I'm a New York cop. I don't get scared. Unless it's dark and I'm in car 82, which they say is haunted.
GRACE: So... what are you up to? Doin' a little shopping? Shopping for Will? What are you gettin' him?
VINCE: I'm not telling you. You'll just poo-poo it. Pardon my French.
GRACE: You have to tell me, 'cause I have to tell you whether or not it blows.
VINCE: Grace, I think I know what my boyfriend likes. We've been going out for six months.
GRACE: I've known him for, like, 20 years. We've had phone calls that lasted six months.
VINCE: Well, I'm in a commited relationship with him.
GRACE: So am I.
VINCE: I shave his ears.
GRACE: I shaved his legs.
VINCE: I've the man naked, Grace.
GRACE: I've seen him naked and crying.
VINCE: Ya know what? I've slept with him.
GRACE: Okay, look, if I didn't turn him gay, we wouldn't be having this conversation. So I win.
VINCE: All right, fine. I'm giving him the key to my apartment.
VINCE: You blows! He'll love it!
GRACE: Look, I'm just to help you out here, okay? I happen to know that Will has really high expectations for this birthday. whatever you're gonna get him, it has to be really good. Not some cheap key.
VINCE: I'm gonna put it on a nice key chain.
GRACE: Oh, that's great. Everyone loves a $1 thing hanging off of a $10 thing. Look, I'm telling you, do not give him that key. It's a mistake. How about that wallet you looked at, sniffed, and put back?
VINCE: You been following me? Of course! You know, I remember thinking, "That's weird, that mannequin's eat a french fry."
GRACE: Okay, look, this wallet is the perfect gift.
[GRACE HOLDS UP THE SMALL BOX SHE WAS CARRYING.]
VINCE: Ya know what, Grace? I'm sorry you wasted your afternoon stalking me, but I'm going with the key. And by the way, you might have made him gay, but I made him good at it.
[GRACE IS SPEECHLESS AS VINCE WALKS AWAY.]
SCENE IV: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN PREPARING FOOD. JOE AND LARRY ARE STANDING BY, ADMIRING THE CAKE.]
JOE: Oh, my God. This cake is beautiful. Where did you buy it?
WILL: Actually, I made it.
LARRY: You did not make those rosettes.
JOE: Will, you have outdone yourself... if you really made it.
WILL: I did. I swear.
[JOE AND LARRY WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM.]
LARRY: [TO JOE] Do we have to do that every year?
[GRACE EXITS HER BEDROOM.]
GRACE: [TO JOE AND LARRY] Hey, guys.
LARRY: Oh, Grace, you look fantastic.
JOE: Did you get a facial?
GRACE: I did not.
JOE: I don't believe it. You are positively glowing, and your skin is fresher than our little Hannah's.
GRACE: [SMILING] I guess I have good genes.
[GRACE WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AS JOE AND LARRY SIT DOWN ON THE SOFA.]
JOE: [TO LARRY] God, they're so much work.
JACK: Ah, what do we have here? One Jack, three queens, and an old maid. I don't know what game we're playing, but deal me in.
WILL: Well, the clown's here. It's officially a party.
JACK: Will, happy birthday, buddy. Listen. About your gift. I know, um, Karen and I have given you some doozies in the past, but I think this year you're really gonna love it.
WILL: Doozies? Like when you said you were giving me scuba lessons, then handed me a bucket of chum and pushed me off Karen's boat?
JOE: Jack! You up for some baby pictures?
JACK: I always am.
[JACK PULLS OUT A PHOTO ALBUM AND SHOWS IT TO JOE AND LARRY.]
JACK: This is me at six months...
[WILL BRINGS A GLASS OF WINE TO GRACE.]
GRACE: You having fun?
WILL: Yes, so far so good. Can't wait to see what Vince got me.
GRACE: Yeah, but you know, that's just a thing. I mean isn't the real gift the fact that you have a boyfriend?
WILL: What do you know?
GRACE: I can't tell you what the present is. Then it would ruin it. I'll just say that it's cheap and unimaginative.
WILL: Well, then I don't wanna know.
GRACE: It's the key to his apartment.
WILL: What? Oh, my God.
GRACE: I know, it blows.
WILL: A key? That is so romantic!
GRACE: You like it?
WILL: I love it! It's a mature step in our relationship. I can't wait to trace it in my journal tonight.
[VINCE AND ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER ENTER THE APARTMENT.]
VINCE: Hey, hey, keep it down in here! We got a noise complaint.
JOE: Vince, you do that every time you enter a room, and it's always funny. [TO LARRY] Great, now there's three of 'em.
VINCE: Hey, guys, this my partner Ralph. Ralph, this is my boyfriend Will, and our friends.
GRACE: [TO RALPH] Hi.
RALPH: [SLIGHTLY NERVOUS] This is my first homosexual party. So I'm not sure how to act. [TO GRACE] Mind if I sit down, sir?
[KAREN ENTERS AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AFTER HER. SHE'S VERY IRRITABLE.]
KAREN: [TO WILL] Oh, happy birthday, fruit. So, who we got here? [NOTICES JOE AND LARRY] Oh, Mo and Mary. Great, I won't have to take a sleeping pill tonight. [SIGHS] Lord, all these gays in one room. Grace, you must be in hag heaven.
RALPH: Uh, I'm not gay.
KAREN: Ooh, hurray for my side.
WILL: Everybody, this my friend Karen. For those of you with guns, free to take the safeties off.
[KAREN WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND POURS HERSELF A GLASS OF WINE. JACK FOLLOWS HER.]
JACK: Karen, where have you been? I've been waiting for you.
KAREN: Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're here. Because this day has been so rough. My heart is beating a mile a minute-- Feel.
[KAREN TAKES JACK'S HAND AND PLACES IT ON HER CHEST.]
JACK: I don't feel anything.
KAREN: Shh, wait.
[JACK AND KAREN STAY STILL FOR A SECOND.]
JACK: There it is.
[A COUPLE MORE SECONDS...]
JACK: There it is again.
JACK: Oh, my God, Karen. It's racing! What's wrong?
KAREN: Honey, today is Stan's birthday, and I just wish I could be with him today. I miss him so much. I need to calm down-- Oh, thank God, I think it stopped.
WILL: Everybody, I think I'm ready to open my gifts now.
JACK: Ooh, ooh, ooh, start with ours. Start with ours. Will, prepare to be amazed.
[JACK SWEEPS HIS ARM OUT TO KAREN. KAREN JUST STANDS THERE HOLDING HER DRINK.]
[JACK HOLDS OUT HIS HAND TO KAREN AND WIGGLES HIS FINGERS.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] Karen, where is it?
KAREN: [QUIETLY] Honey, I didn't get him anything. I was feeling sad about Stan!
[KAREN SLAPS JACKS HAND DOWN.]
JACK: [QUIETLY] This is humiliating! And now everybody's staring at me!
[JACK TURNS AROUND.]
JACK: [OUTLOUD TO HIMSELF] Think, McFarland, think. You're a hot-shot network executive who was recently reprimanded for thinking out loud.
[JACK TURNS BACK AROUND.]
JACK: I've got it! Will?
WILL: Yes, Jack.
JACK: Um, I've put a lot of thought behind this.
WILL: Yes, I heard it.
JACK: And I've decided, in honor of your birthday, my gift to you... is my eternal friendship.
WILL: Thank you. Does anyone have anything for me that I can actually open?
[A PAGER BEEPS. VINCE LOOKS AT HIS PAGER.]
VINCE: Oh, crap. [TO RALPH] We gotta go. 91st and Amsterdam. Looks like a 187. That's a homicide, I think. [TO HIMSELF] 187 go to heaven. Yeah, it's a homicide.
RALPH: Well, uh, see ya. Um, I wanna tell every that I loved Moulin Rouge.
[RALPH EXITS TO THE HALLWAY.]
VINCE: [TO WILL] I should probably get goin' too.
WILL: Well, wait-- Wait, you didn't give me your gift yet. Which I know I'm gonna love.
VINCE: Sit down. Come on and open it now. I hate being the first one to these things anyway.
[WILL AND VINCE SIT ON THE SOFA. VINCE GIVES WILL A SMALL BOX.]
WILL: I'm so excited!
[WILL OPENS THE BOX.]
WILL: It's a... wallet. I love it. Thank you.
VINCE: Look, it's Gucci. The good kind with two Cs.
WILL: Yeah, I know.
VINCE: Well, I'd better go. Perps ain't gonna chase themselves. Unless they're dogs.
JOE: Good one!
WILL: Bye. See ya.
[VINCE EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] A wallet? I thought you said he was giving me a key. What could have happened to change his mind?
GRACE: Will, I've gotta be totally honest with you. I think I know what happened.
WILL: You do?
[GRACE PAUSES FOR A SECOND.]
GRACE: Ralph talked him out of it.
GRACE: Don't be sad. I mean, maybe he's gonna give you the key at Christmas. Like in honor of Joseph and Mary who lost their room key and had to give birth in a barn.
WILL: Yes, that's my favorite bible story, too. When the blessed virgin into the Bethlehem Ramada and left her purse at the pool.
GRACE: Well, maybe this is a good thing. Well, you said you're happy with the way things are.
WILL: Yeah, and the way things are is that I was supposed to get a key. Another lousy birthday. I don't know why I get my hopes up. Who wants brie?
[WILL GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE KITCHEN.]
GRACE: [QUIETLY] Where did Vince say he was going?
KAREN: Well, he's Italian. So my guess would be the Olive Garden.
JACK: 91st and Amsterdam.
[GRACE GETS UP AND LEAVES.]
JACK: I remember because I thought he said Hamsterdam, which is a country always wanted to go to-- [REALIZES GRACE IS GONE] Oh. [SHRUGS]
[JACK WALKS OVER TO WILL.]
JACK: Will, I can tell you're very upset. So... I got you this key.
[JACK GIVES WILL A KEY.]
WILL: This is the key to my apartment.
JACK: Whoa, slow down there, cowboy. You're not getting the one to my place.
SCENE V: Vince and Ralph's Patrol Car, 91st and Amsterdam
[VINCE IS SITTING IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT WITH HIS PARTNER, RALPH, IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.]
RALPH: Oh, hey, car 74 just got here. Those guys are crazy. I'm gonna go say hi.
[RALPH OPENS THE DOOR AND GETS OUT. GRACE GETS IN AND SHUTS THE DOOR.]
VINCE: [SCREAMS] Aah! Jeez, Grace, you freaked me out. I thought we had another haunted car.
GRACE: Um, look, Will really hated the wallet. You have to give him the key.
VINCE: Did he look inside the wallet?
GRACE: Oh, is the key inside the wallet?
VINCE: No, I put a coupon for a kiss inside the wallet.
GRACE: That is so queer. Okay, now, look, you've got to give him the key. He's not gonna have a birthday until he gets it.
VINCE: First admit that I know Will better.
GRACE: Oh, this is ridiculous. This isn't a competition.
VINCE: Isn't it?
GRACE: Look, Will's happiness is the only thing that matters right now, and that is dependent on him getting the key.
VINCE: Right, which is dependent on me giving it to him. Which is dependent on you admitting that I know Will better. Your move.
GRACE: I'm out. You know him better.
VINCE: All right, I'll give him the key.
GRACE: Thanks. Oh, one more thing...
GRACE: Can you read this out loud please?
VINCE: "Grace knows Will better."
GRACE: That's very big of you to admit.
SCENE VI: Will's Apartment
KAREN: I'm a fool, Jack. I never celebrated birthday while he was alive. And now he's gone. I guess I just always figured there'd be next year.
JACK: I guess you just don't expect to lose something that big. I mean, how could a house boat just not be there anymore?
WILL: Hey, guys, come on. I had to light my own candles, pour the champagne, and start singing "Happy Birthday" to myself. Could someone at least, cut the cake?
LARRY: Of course, Will.
[LARRY PICKS UP A KNIFE AND MAKES A SLICE INTO THE CAKE.]
WILL: Not like that! Give me.
[WILL TAKES THE KNIFE FROM LARRY. JOE GIVES LARRY A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND TAKES ONE FOR HIMSELF. THEY MOVE TO THE COUCH WITH JACK AND KAREN.]
WILL: [MUTTERING TO HIMSELF] Yes, enjoy your champagne. God forbid any should make a toast.
JACK: You know, Will's angry muttering has given me an idea. I'd like to make a toast.
WILL: Well, thank you.
JACK: On this day, a very, very great man was born. Stanley Walker.
KAREN: Jackie, you don't have to do this. It's too late. He's gone.
JACK: Karen, just because somebody's dead doesn't mean you can't celebrate their birthday. It's never too late. Look at George Washington. I never paid attention to him when he was alive, but now I get a day off of work.
Gosh, I guess that's true. I mean nobody's ever really forgotten. After all, I still roll into the ditch on Stan's side of the bed every night.
JACK: Karen, let's make a vow. Every year on this day on we'll do something to celebrate Stanley Walker.
KAREN: Okay, from now on, this day is about Stanley Walker. And nobody else!
WILL: I'd like to say something, if I may. This is the worst birthday I have ever had. I had to throw myself a party. I didn't get the key I wanted. And now, instead of toasting me, everyone is toasting my fat dead client. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo!
[GRACE ENTERS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: Where have you been? It's not fair you get to leave this party and I don't.
LARRY: [TO JOE] I'm so glad Hannah spent two weeks making an ashtray for this jackass.
GRACE: Great news. You're getting your key.
WILL: You're kidding.
GRACE: I know, isn't it great? It took a lot of convincing, but he came around. Happy birthday! Yay!
WILL: Wa--wa--wait. What do you mean? You had to convince my boyfriend to give me a key?
GRACE: Oh, just for a second, I mean-- Don't worry about it. He's totally okay with it.
WILL: Okay with it?
GRACE: No, he's excited. He's gonna swing by and drop it off.
WILL: Drop it off? This is supposed to be a representation of our commitment to one another, not a pizza.
GRACE: Vince, change of plans.
VINCE: Wait, I memorized this and I gotta get it out. [TO WILL] My shift's over. Here's the key to my apartment. [VINCE HOLDS UP THE KEY.]
WILL: I'm sorry. I don't think I can take it.
VINCE: Excuse me?
WILL: You didn't think enough of me to give it to me in the first place, so I don't want it.
KAREN: Hey. Anybody wanna take my chopper to Atlantic City to celebrate Stanley day?
[KAREN, LARRY, AND JOE GET UP AND FOLLOW HER TO THE DOOR.]
LARRY: I'd love to, but we've only got the sitter until 11.
JOE: It's your mother. She can stay till morning. Why are you so afraid of her?
JACK: Will, happy birthday, friend. And believe me when I say this from the bottom of my heart... I'm gonna take this wallet. Heh heh...
[JACK PICKS UP THE WALLET AND EXITS THE APARTMENT. AS HE EXITS, HE LOOKS IN THE WALLET AND PULLS OUT A SMALL, PINK PIECE OF PAPER.]
JACK: Ooh, a free kiss.
[JACK SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]
VINCE: [TO WILL] Hey, what's your problem? I know you want the key.
WILL: I did want the key. Until Grace told me talk you into giving it to me.
VINCE: She only had to talk me me into it because she first talked me out of it.
WILL: Grace talked you out of it? She told me that Ralph talked you out of it.
VINCE: Why would she do that?
WILL: I don't know. Why the hell does she do anything?
GRACE: [WHISPERS] She's crazy.
[GRACE TURNS TO GO INTO HER BEDROOM.]
GRACE: See ya tomorrow!
WILL: Wait, wait. Hold the phone. Why would you do something like that?
VINCE: Yeah, you almost ruined everything.
WILL: What the hell is wrong with you?
GRACE: [CRYING] I am so sorry. [CRYING HARDER] Please... Don't [SOB] be [SOB] mad [SOB] at [SOB] me. [SOBBING] I was just trying to help. I hate that you're mad at me.
WILL: Don't try fake crying with us.
VINCE: Yeah, that only works on straight guys.
GRACE: [STOPS CRYING] Fine. But this isn't my fault. If anything, I should be mad at you!
WILL: Oh, please, the angry flip?
VINCE: Yeah, that's not gonna fly either.
GRACE: Okay. Look, I'm-- I'm sorry. I thought Will didn't want the key. Obviously, I was wrong. But by then I had already told you, and then you didn't give him the key. And then he was really sad. And all I wanted was for him to be happy. [CRYING] And now I'm crying real tears.
WILL: No, you're not.
GRACE: Okay, look. [SIGHS] The thing is, is that I did all of this because all I wanted was for you to have the best birthday ever.
WILL: Well, that's all I wanted. And somehow the whole thing went horribly, horribly wrong.
VINCE: Will it help if I gave you the key?
[VINCE HOLDS UP THE KEY.]
WILL: Yes it would.
[WILL TAKES THE KEY AND KISSES VINCE ON THE LIPS AND THE TWO OF THEM HUG EACH OTHER.]
GRACE: Aw... All 'cause of me.
[GRACE PUTS HER ARM AROUND THEM.]
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
KAREN: [TO WILL] I've arranged for a little gift for you. Come on. The kind of gift only Karen Walker can give. We're ready for you.
[KAREN OPENS THE DOOR. ROSARIO IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY. SHE BLOWS A PITCH-PIPE AND BEGINS SINGING "ARTHUR'S THEME".]
ROSARIO: [SINGING] When you get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true. Arthur, he does as he pleases--
KAREN: That's enough, thank you.
[KAREN GIVES ROSARIO A FOLDED BILL.]
ROSARIO: Oh, good, a 20. I'll put it in my "Kill Miss Karen" fund.
[KAREN SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AFTER ROSARIO.]