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SCENE I: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", Will and Jack's cabin
WILL AND JACK: [TOGETHER] Aaah!
WILL: Get out of my bed!
JACK: You get out of my bed!
WILL: That's your bed! This is my bed!
JACK: If this was your bed, it would already be made.
WILL: If this was your bed, it would be shaped like a race car, and you'd be clutching your woowie. Now scram, I'm naked over here!
JACK: Wait a minute... [JACK PUTS HIS HANDS UNDER THE COVERS] I'm naked too!
WILL AND JACK: [TOGETHER] Aaah!
GRACE: [ENTERING] Guys!
WILL AND JACK: [TOGETHER] Aaah!
GRACE: You would not believe what I just found in Leo's bag... a love letter from that bitch, Dr. Morty. When I think of how I almost didn't read it because I was respecting his privacy, it makes me so glad I'm never honest! Come on, I need to talk it out.
WILL: Uh, ah, we'll-- We'll join you in a sex-- Suck--! Sex--! Two minutes!
JACK: Yeah, and then you can tell us all the nudes-- Dudes--! Man-on-man action!
GRACE: Well hurry up. I'm freakin' out here.
[GRACE EXITS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.]
GRACE: [GASPING AND POINTING AT WILL AND JACK] Oh, my God!
WILL AND JACK: [TOGETHER] Aaah!
GRACE: You two...
GRACE: Have a little CD player?
[WILL AND JACK LOOK OVER AT THE NIGHTSTAND. THERE'S A BOSE CD PLAYER.]
GRACE: [CRYING] No fair! I hate this boat.
[GRACE EXITS, SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.]
[WILL GETS OUT OF THE BED, PULLING THE SHEET AROUND HIM. JACK DOES THE SAME WITH THE BLANKET.]
JACK: Well, this is just great. When we get to St. Barts, I am buying myself an E-P-T. And so help me, if that stick is blue.. I am not going through this alone. Not again.
WILL: Let's just figure this out, okay? Now what-- What did we do last night? We--we--we--we drank a lot, we danced, we peed off the side of the boat. But at some point, I came down here to crash. That much I remember.
JACK: And--and I remember waking up and realizing we were in bed naked with each other.
WILL: Right...because that happened 30 seconds ago!
JACK: Look, if something happened, you would've remembered, because it's so rare for you.
WILL: Right. And if something had happened, you would've left and my wallet would be missing. So... nothing happened.
JACK: Nothing happened.
WILL: [CHUCKLES] Nothing happened.
JACK: [CHUCKLES] Nothing happened.
WILL: [IN A DEEP VOICE] Nothing happened.
[WILL AND JACK CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY.]
WILL: Ah... It's funny...
JACK: I tell ya...
WILL: I guess we should get dressed.
JACK: Yeah. Get dressed.
[WILL PICKS UP HIS PANTS.]
WILL: Wait a minute, my wallet is missing.
[WILL AND JACK LOOK AT EACH OTHER.]
WILL AND JACK: [TOGETHER] Aaah!
SCENE II: The Walker Yacht, "All You Can Eat", The Lounge
[GRACE HAS GIVEN WILL THE LETTER. WILL IS SITTING ON THE SOFA WITH THE LETTER. JACK IS BEHIND THE SOFA, READING OVER WILL'S SHOULDER.]
GRACE: Do you believe her? I mean, who does that? Who sends a love letter to a married man? I mean, it's one thing if it's your roommate's dad that looks like Mark Spitz and drives a Datsun 280ZX, and you're pretty sure he winked when he said he had an office in the city. As random example.
WILL: [READING] "Leo, we're going to be spending a lot of time together." Blah, blah, blah, blah. [READING] "Something I could never say to you. I want you." Wow.
JACK: [READING] "You can have me wherever, whenever." That's hot.
WILL: [NODS] Yeah.
[WILL LOOKS OVER AT JACK AND THE TWO OF THEM JUMP APART FROM EACH OTHER.]
GRACE: Do you believe her? I just wish I knew some voodoo so I could cast a spell on her and turn her into a ferret.
WILL: Yeah, that's pretty much your only option.
GRACE: Okay, then we've got to go down to Guatemala and stop her before she does something.
WILL: Grace, you are way over-reacting to this.
JACK: He's right. Besides, you should've seen this coming, Grace.
GRACE: What's that supposed to mean?
JACK: Well, it's karma, dear. Yeah. It's what you get for marrying above your station. See, by marrying Leo, who-- if I may compare both of you to cuts of meat-- is a Grade "A" slab of prime rib, while you-- you're just a plain-looking girl. You have spat in God's eye and now must be punish-ed. Ooh, stress wrinkle, right there in the--
[GRACE LEAPS ON TOP OF JACK.]
[GRACE WRAPS HER HANDS AROUND JACK'S NECK.]
GRACE: Please, let me just beat him until he bleeds!
[WILL PULLS GRACE OFF JACK.]
WILL: Calm down, Grace! What are you going to do? You gonna fly to Guatemala, track him down, make some big scene like some crazy Guatemalan... scene maker? Okay--you're--you're-- you're keyed up over nothing. It's just a letter.
JACK: Yeah. Yeah, it's just a letter. He's not gonna respond to that. I, myself, have written him several letters... all unspeakably filthy. And I didn't get nothing but a wink and a smile. [JACK WINKS AND SMILES.]
GRACE: So he's not gonna?
GRACE: And she's not gonna?
GRACE: And they're not gonna?
GRACE: Thanks, Will, it's so good to talk it out.
[AN ENGINE CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE, GETTING CLOSER.]
JACK: Wait, what's that? It sounds like another boat.
[CUT TO KAREN DRIVING A JET SKI. ROSARIO IS BEHIND HER HOLDING ON TO HER WAIST.]
[THE "CHARLIE'S ANGELS" THEME PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.]
KAREN: Hold on, Rosie, we're almost there!
[CUT BACK TO THE LOUNGE.]
[GRACE IS SITTING ON THE SOFA. WILL AND JACK HAVE HELPED KAREN AND ROSARIO ONTO THE BOAT, AND WRAPPED THEM IN DRY BLANKETS.]
GRACE: Oh, my God, what happened to you guys?
KAREN: Lorraine tried to kill me! She threw me overboard. Rosie jumped in after. And then this Russian freighter came by, pulled us out. We spent the night. It was horrible. 300 filthy sailors and a unisex bathroom. This morning, we swiped their jet ski. That's Russian for jet ski.
[KAREN SITS ON THE SOFA NEXT TO GRACE. ROSARIO SITS ON THE SOFA ARM NEXT TO HER.]
JACK: Aw, Karen, that's awful. 300 filthy sailors you say? Could you point out the coordinates on this map? [JACK PULLS A MAP OF THE CARRIBEAN DOWN FROM THE CEILING.]
KAREN: You know, out there in that icy water I stared death in the face. And let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.
[KAREN TURNS AND SEES ROSARIO LOOKING AT HER.]
KAREN: Ah! There it is again!
[KAREN LAUGHS REALLY HARD, FALLING ONTO GRACE.]
ROSARIO: Yuk yuk yuk. I saved your miserable life out there.
KAREN: Honey, I'm sorry. You're right. If you hadn't turned your support hose into a life vest and used your bra as a sail... I might not still be here.
ROSARIO: That's right. So don't forget your promise.
KAREN: Promise? I don't remember any promise.
ROSARIO: You're not weaseling out of this, sister. You promised me one Friday off a month.
KAREN: Talk to the boob!
[WILL HANDS KAREN AND ROSARIO EACH A CUP OF COFFEE.]
WILL: Karen, the woman saved your life...inexplicably. She's asking for so little... stupidly.
KAREN: Oh, all right. But I don't want the rest of the staff finding out about this. So you tell them you're getting monthly hormone treatments to turn into a man. Or a woman, whichever is more believable. [SIGHS] Oh, this whole thing has just been so exhausting. I buried my husband, almost died, learned to dance the ksiazka. [DOES A RUSSIAN KNEE BEND] Hey!
KAREN: [SIGHS] Would you kids mind if we just headed back to New York?
GRACE: Of course not. Guys, do you mind missing St. Barts?
WILL: I can't speak for Jack, but, you know, I don't mind kissing him-- Kissing it-- Missing it!
[KAREN AND GRACE LOOK AT WILL QUESTIONINGLY.]
JACK: Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting home to dry hump-- dry land-- hump Will!
[WILL AND JACK TAKE A STEP APART.]
GRACE: [TO KAREN] Wait a minute. If Lorraine threw you overboard, doesn't that mean she's still here?
KAREN: My God, you're right. That Brit's still on this boat. Come on, let's put a little Colgate on a toothbrush and see if we can scare her out of her cabin.
[AN ENGINE STARTS IN THE BACKGROUND.]
WILL: What's that?
JACK: It's Lorraine! She's taking your jet ski!
KAREN: Speak English.
JACK: It's Lorraine! She's taking your jet ski!
KAREN: Will, you're my lawyer, do something.
WILL: [YELLING TO THE JET SKI] Hey!! You!! [TO KAREN] I'm really more of a litigator.
SCENE III: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS IN THE KITCHEN PULLING THE GARBAGE BAG OUT OF THE TRASH CAN WHEN GRACE ENTERS.]
GRACE: Guess what? Leo's coming home!
WILL: Why? What happened?
GRACE: His passport and all his papers were in the bag he left on the boat. He spent four days in a tiny holding room at the Guatemala City airport with two missionaries and two people in the missionary position.
WILL: So, uh, Dr. Morty never got a chance to make her moves on.
GRACE: [SHAKES HER HEAD] Mm-mmm.
WILL: Thank God. I was a little worried.
GRACE: You said I had nothing to worry about.
WILL: Leo's coming home! Yay!
[WILL AND GRACE HUG.]
GRACE: Okay, now... what do I do with the letter? [GRACE PULLS THE LETTER OUT OF HER PURSE.]
WILL: Throw it out. [WILL HOLDS OPEN THE GARBAGE BAG.]
GRACE: I could. But then he'll never know the truth about her.
WILL: So show it to him.
[WILL EXITS THE APARTMENT AND DROPS THE GARBAGE DOWN THE CHUTE.]
GRACE: But then he'll know I snooped. No, he's got to find this on his own. And I've got to be there when he reads it so I can act all shocked about it. Ooh, I know what I'll do. I'll do this. [QUICKLY GASPS THREE TIMES] No, too big. Maybe [GASPS TWICE] Maybe just one. [GASPS ONCE VERY EXAGGERATED AND VERY LONG]
WILL: Grace, do you work? Or do you just spend the day practicing your reactions?
[GRACE OPENS HER MOUTH, LOOKING OFFENDED.]
WILL: Thought so.
[JACK EXITS HIS APARTMENT AND PUTS SOME PLATES ON THE TABLE AT "CAFE JACQUES'".]
[JACK AND WILL NOTICE EACH OTHER AND IT'S VERY AWKWARD.]
WILL: [TALKING VERY FAST, OVERLAPPING JACK] Oh, I was just putting out the garbage and I got so much to do so...
JACK: [TALKING VERY FAST, OVERLAPPING WILL] Oh, you know, things are crazy right now with the holidays...
[WILL AND JACK BACK UP INTO THEIR APARTMENTS; GRACE IS LEFT STANDING BY HERSELF IN THE HALLWAY.]
[GRACE ENTERS WILL'S APARTMENT. HE'S IN THE KITCHEN OBSESSIVELY DRYING THE LID TO A PAN.]
GRACE: What was that weirdness just now?
WILL: [QUICKLY] What weirdness? Didn't notice. Must've happened after I left.
[WILL CONTINUES TO DRY THE LID.]
GRACE: Give it up.
WILL: [SIGHS] Okay. Look.
[WILL PUTS DOWN THE LID.]
WILL: [NOTICING GRACE'S PURSE] Is this from the Betty Rubble collection?
GRACE: Will. Remember when--on the boat when you came into the room, and--and--and Jack and I were in bed...
WILL: Without any clothes on... after a night of drinking...
[GRACE LOOKS BACK AT WILL BLANKLY.]
WILL: And we're gay...
GRACE: [GASPS] Oh, my God!!
WILL: No, don't--don't--don't-- don't freak out. Nothing happened... I think.
GRACE: What do you mean, you think?
WILL: I don't remember.
GRACE: [CHUCKLES] Oh! Oh, right!
WILL: It's not funny.
GRACE: I'm sorry. It's just... Oh, it's just so sweet. You and Jack... finding love. [DRAWS A HEART IN THE AIR] Becoming lovers.
GRACE: [GIGGLES] Were there kisses? Were there butterfly kisses? [GRACE LAUGHS.]
WILL: Oh, stop it. This isn't funny. Jack-- I-- I think Jack may have feelings for me.
GRACE: Of course he does. He's always had a thing for you. And now you tossed him a bone. [WILL FOLDS HIS ARMS, ANNOYED] Or he tossed you a bone. I wasn't there, I don't know what happened. [GRACE LAUGHS.]
WILL: Whoa, whoa!
GRACE: But... I do think you're gonna have to let him down easy.
WILL: [SIGHS] How do you do that? You know, how do ya-- How do ya tell someone that you have kind of a history with that you're just not interested in them romantically? I guess I could start with a plate of soft cheeses...
[CUT TO CAFE JACQUES'. KAREN AND JACK ARE SITTING AND TALKING, DRINKING CAPPUCCINOS.]
KAREN: Oh, my God! You and Will?
JACK: Shhhhhhhh! God, why don't you tell the whole restaurant? Don't make a big deal about it. Nothing even happened... I think.
KAREN: You think? Honey, either you know or you don't. Unless you're lucky enough to be married to a man like my late husband... who always let me sleep through it.
KAREN: [LOOKING UP] Hey there, big guy in the sky. Here's a little somethin' for ya. [KAREN HOLDS OPEN HER TOP AND MAKES A KISSING FACE.]
JACK: Oh, I can't believe I was in bed with Will.
JACK: Ugh! When I woke up and saw that olive skin and that furry body, I thought, "Please, God, let it be a giant furry olive."
JACK: But you know the worst part, Karen?
KAREN: Um... you're both men?
JACK: No. I think Will has feelings for me.
KAREN: Well, of course he has feelings for you, honey. I mean, look at his love life. The only man he's had in the last 16 years is Grace.
JACK: You're right. That poor, unlucky, pear-shaped bastard. What should I do, Kare, what should I do?
KAREN: Well, honey, you gotta end it. I mean, if you let it go-- Wait, are refills free?
JACK: Not on cappuccinos. I could put coffee in it.
KAREN: If you let it go on any longer, he'll just get more and more obsessed. I mean, next thing you know, he's moving in next door, and--
JACK: [GASPS] He already has!
JACK: You're right, Kare. I gotta end it. And I gotta end it now.
KAREN: No, no, honey. Not now.
[JACK GETS UP TO GET KAREN MORE COFFEE.]
[THE ELEVATOR DINGS AND OPENS AND ROSARIO EXITS. SHE'S WEARING A HER MAROON MEMBER'S ONLY JACKET OVER HER MAID'S UNIFORM, BUT WITH PINK HIGH-TOPS AND A PURPLE BASEBALL HAT. SHE HAS A PURSE AROUND HER SHOULDER.]
ROSARIO: Okay, what's the emergency? It's Friday-- my day off, remember? I'm on my way to a taping of "Whoopi."
KAREN: I know, Rosie, but I really do need you. I've decided to start collecting those wooden nesting dolls. Mm-hmm. Go around town and see what you can pick up. Yeah, I like the way they start out big and then get little teeny-tiny. Go.
ROSARIO: Forget it. I saved your miserable gin-soaked life.
KAREN: Maybe you didn't hear me. I said I like the way they get little teeny-tiny. Go.
[JACK EXITS HIS APARTMENT, CARRYING A MUG OF COFFEE IN ONE HAND AND A PLATE OF BISCOTTI IN THE OTHER.]
JACK: Oh, hey, Rosie. Table for one?
ROSARIO: I'm not staying. But I will have a biscotti. I hear those tapings can go on for hours.
[ROSARIO TAKES A BISCOTTI. SHE TAKES A BITE AND BEGINS COUGHING.]
JACK: Oh, my god, she's choking!
KAREN: [PUTS HER HANDS ON HER HIPS] Well, well, well. The hunter has become the Mexican.
JACK: Karen, save her. This restaurant cannot weather another tragedy!
KAREN: Oh, I'll save her... Just as long as she goes back to working every Friday.
[ROSARIO COUGHS AND SPITS OUT THE CHUNK OF BISCOTTI.]
KAREN: There. We're even.
ROSARIO: I'll start looking for those dolls.
[ROSARIO GETS IN THE ELEVATOR.]
JACK: [INTO THE ELEVATOR AS IT CLOSES] You--you know, I'm going to have to charge you for that biscotti.
SCENE IV: Leo and Grace's Apartment
[LEO HAS JUST ARRIVED HOME.]
GRACE: Sweetie, you're home. Come on. Unpack your bag. Make sure your passport's there, along with your other stuff-- underwear, letters, whatever.
LEO: Later, later. I--I had a bumpy landing. It kinda, you know, got me in the mood.
[LEO RAISES HIS EYEBROWS.]
GRACE: Oh. Oh, oh, okay. Well, you know what gets me in the mood?
LEO: What's that?
[GRACE PUTS LEO'S DUFFEL BAG ON HIS LAP.]
GRACE: Knowing that my man has proper international travel documentation. [GROWLS]
LEO: Okay, okay, I'll--I'll--I'll-- I'll look.
[LEO UNZIPS HIS BAG.]
LEO: [PULLING OUT THE LETTER] What's this?
GRACE: Hmm, looks like a letter.
LEO: It's a letter.
GRACE: That's what I thought too.
LEO: It's from Dr. Morty.
GRACE: Dr. Morty?
LEO: Why is, uh, why is she writing me? [READS THE LETTER TO HIMSELF] Hello. Wow. Oh, man. Man--whew, man. Yeah, it's my itinerary. [FOLDS UP THE LETTER.]
GRACE: It is not! Is it?! I don't know!
LEO: Grace, you, uh, you--you obviously read it.
GRACE: And thank God! She wants you, Leo.
LEO: But I don't-- I don't want her.
GRACE: Please. You're two hot people down in the sunny tropics with nothing else to do but have sex. I know. I've been to Daytona twice.
LEO: Grace, Doctors Without Borders is there to prevent an entire population from being annihilated by infectious diseases.
GRACE: Yeah, for, like, 20 minutes a day. Then it's "doctors without bottoms."
LEO: Sweetie, she's nothing to me. And by the way, in-in-in the future, if you're gonna go through my things, just try to be a little bit more thorough.
[LEO PULLS A PHOTO BOOK OUT OF HIS DUFFEL BAG AND HANDS IT TO GRACE.]
GRACE: These are all pictures of me.
GRACE: My eyes are closed in all of them.
LEO: That's because you're asleep. I-I-I took them before I left, because I can't sleep unless you're asleep next to me.
GRACE: Oh. That is so sweet. [GRACE HUGS LEO] And so creepy.
[GRACE KISSES LEO ON THE CHEEK.]
LEO: So are you okay?
GRACE: Yeah. I'm fine.
LEO: You know, all I could think about since I left was one of your home cooked meals.
GRACE: [SMILING] Hmm.
LEO: So let's go upstairs and have sex.
GRACE: Then we'll spend all day tomorrow in bed.
LEO: Oh, oh, baby, baby, I can't. I have an early flight.
GRACE: You're leaving? No, you just got here.
LEO: I know, but they're expecting me back. Look, I-- I'm gonna go jump in the shower. You put on the panties I got you for Passover, and I'll meet you in the bedroom.
[LEO RUNS UP THE STAIRS. GRACE SIGHS.]
SCENE V: Will's Apartment
[WILL IS PREPARING A PLATE OF CHEESE WHEN JACK ENTERS.]
JACK: [NERVOUSLY] Hi. I need to talk to you just for a second.
WILL: [NERVOUSLY] Good, 'cause I-I-I... need to talk to you too.
[WILL AND JACK SIT ON THE SOFA.]
WILL: Hmm. I, um, I discovered a new cheese over the weekend. Cowgirl Creamery. You want to try some?
[WILL HOLDS OUT THE CHEESE PLATE.]
JACK: I would. [EATS A PIECE OF CHEESE] Mmm. This Cowgirl Creamery is a very good cheese.
WILL: Thank you. [MOTIONING TO JACK'S SHIRT] That's a nice top.
JACK: Thanks. Just got it.
WILL AND JACK: [TOGETHER] I'm not interested in you.
WILL AND JACK: [TOGETHER] No, I'm not inteststed in you.
WILL AND JACK: [TOGETHER] No, I'm not interested in you!
WILL: What are you doing?!
JACK: I'm letting you down easy!
WILL: Nuh-uh! If anyone's letting anyone down easy, I'm letting down you.
JACK: And yet you're wooing me with soft cheeses and compliments to the top.
WILL: Jack, come on. This clearly meant more to you than it did to me because, well, look at me.
JACK: I am, and I'm looking at a forehead with teeth.
WILL: Jack, you have feelings for me. How else do you explain constantly offering to spot me at the gym?
JACK: That's what you do at the gym.
WILL: In the sauna?
JACK: Look, if anyone has feelings for anyone, it's you for me. Signing us up for a tango class. Signing us up for a cooking class. Everyone knows you express your love through the dance and the bake.
WILL: Let's just forget about who has more of a thing for whom.
JACK: [QUIETLY] You for me.
WILL: I said forget it! Whatever happened on that boat wouldn't have happened unless there was something lurking in our relationship for a long time. Something we--we need to start dealing with honestly.
JACK: So is that what we're doing now? We're just being honest?
WILL: I think we have to if there's any hope of getting past this.
JACK: [SIGHS] Well, if we're being honest, I guess I'd be lying if I said I never...
WILL: And I'd by lying if I said I never...
KAREN: [ENTERING] Wilma, take off your homo hat and put on your lawyer hat. That damn Rosario saved my life again!
KAREN: You know how I'm in a gang, right? [SIGHS]
KAREN: [TALKING VERY QUICKLY] Well, I flashed my colors in the wrong neighborhood and suddenly I'm surrounded. I'm about to take a cap to TYE dome when Rosie screeches up in the limo, pulls me in and guns it. Now she wants her day off and a pizza party with the maids. So, get me out of it. Oh, by the way, every room in the boat is under video surveillance. I took a look at the tape and nothing happened between you guys, just the occasional gas and some soft weeping. Whew, there's a lot of caffeine in a Red Bull! See ya!
WILL: So... Nothing happened.
JACK: Nothing happened.
WILL: Nothing happened.
JACK: [IN A HIGH VOICE] Nothing happened!
JACK: Woo! R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
[WILL AND JACK LAUGH.]
JACK: [LAUGHING] I know, you're gross.
WILL: [LAUGHING] And you're a pasty-faced, middle-aged woman.
JACK: I'm glad we're back to this.
WILL: Uh, me too. Hey, want to go see a movie later?
WILL: Maybe a documentary that raises more questions than it does answers.
JACK: Okay, I like that.
WILL: Oh, thank god that weirdness is over.
JACK: Oh, thank god.
[WILL AND JACK HUG.]
[AN AWKWARD PAUSE, THEN THE TWO SEPARATE.]
[Talking simultaneously very fast]
SCENE VI: Grace and Leo's Apartment
[THE NEXT MORNING. LEO IS GETTING READY TO LEAVE.]
GRACE: Leo, come on. You're gonna miss your plane.
LEO: I can't find my bucky pillow.
GRACE: That's so cute. You named your pillow?
LEO: No, it's a bucky pillow. It's for the plane. It goes around your neck like this.
GRACE: Oh, is that what that's for? 'Cause, you know, it also goes around the toilet seat like that. Want me to get it?
LEO: No, no. That's--that's fine. Let's just hope that that's the last thing my neck and your ass have to share.
GRACE: I'm gonna miss you.
LEO: I'm gonna miss you too.
[LEO AND GRACE KISS.]
LEO: Oh, I almost forgot. I wrote you a letter. [LEO HANDS GRACE AN ENVELOPE] But don't read it. You have to wait until you go to bed tonight.
GRACE: Of course.
LEO: No, no, no. I'm--I'm serious. This is really important to me. I want this to be the last thing you see before you fall asleep.
GRACE: Okay, the first time I agreed, I was lying. But now that I know it's really important, I'm really gonna do it.
LEO: Okay. Now come here. Put some of that stank on me.
[LEO AND GRACE KISS.]
GRACE: Call me the second you get there. Okay.
GRACE: Be safe.
[LEO PICKS UP HIS BAG AND EXITS.]
[GRACE SLOWLY WALKS OFF INTO THE BATHROOM.]
GRACE: Who am I kidding?
[SUDDENLY SHE RUNS OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND TO THE COUCH AND GRABS THE LETTER. SHE READS IT.]
LEO'S VOICE [NARRATING THE LETTER]: "Dear Grace, I can't believe I'm saying good-bye to you again. Last night, I was watching you sleep. And, well, it just made me realize it's so much better than sleeping next to a picture. If you're reading this, you're probably in your nightgown ready to crawl into bed... or it's been 30 seconds and you're in the same outfit because you can't follow a simple instruction. Either way, I'm not leaving. I'm giving up Doctors Without Borders. I'm on the other side of the door."
GRACE: [CONFUSED] What?
[THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.]
LEO: [VOICE FROM OUTSIDE] I'm on the other side of the door.
[GRACE OPENS THE DOOR.]
GRACE: Oh, my God. Are you sure? I don't want you to do this for me.
LEO: I'm--i'm doing it for us.
GRACE: Why did you do the whole letter thing? Why didn't you just tell me in person? [GRACE HITS LEO ON THE ARM.]
LEO: Well, 'cause-- 'cause you tend to, uh, to hit when you get excited.
GRACE: No, I don't. I can't believe you're staying! [GRACE SMACKS LEO ON THE CHEST.]
SCENE VII: Will's Apartment
[WILL AND KAREN ARE DISCUSSING HER LEGAL PROBLEMS.]
KAREN: So what are you sayin', counselor? There's nothin' I can do?
WILL: I'm sorry. You and Rosario have a verbal agreement, and you have to live up to it.
KAREN: But I just saved her life.
WILL: Holding a toaster over the bathtub and not dropping it is not saving her life.
KAREN: Oh, all right. She can have her damn day off and her pizza party. But no sleepovers. And no correspondence with her family!