Ce script VO a été migré dans le guide de l'épisode.SCENE I: Will's Apartment
(WILL is making omelets as GRACE enters from her bedroom.)
WILL: Hey, what do you want in your omelet?
GRACE: Hello? It's the week before Halloween.
WILL: Right. So candy corn, Good 'n Plenty, and Reese's Pieces.
GRACE: But make it with egg whites, it's healthier. Oh, can you make another one? Leo's gonna join us.
GRACE: How come every time I say Leo, you have to say "oh...Leo"?
WILL: Because I'm trying to make the passive-aggressive point that I'm not crazy about him. I don't know why you haven't picked up on that.
GRACE: You know, you could make an effort. This guy's really important to me.
WILL: I could make an effort, but I wouldn't be able to go "oh...Leo" all the time.
[GRACE EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY TO PICK UP THE NEWSPAPER.]
[JACK HAS SET UP A SMALL TABLE WITH TWO CHAIRS OUTSIDE HIS APARTMENT. THERE'S A RADIO ON THE TABLE PLAYING MUSIC. HE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH A BIG COFFEE MUG.]
GRACE: What are you doing?
JACK: Well, you know, I like to dine al fresco, so I opened up a little café... "Jacques'."
[JACK TAKES A SIP OF HIS DRINK.]
JACK: Mmm. "Cimanin."
[GRACE ROLLS HER EYES AND GOES BACK INTO THE APARTMENT.]
GRACE: [TO WILL, POINTING TOWARDS THE DOOR] Did you know that--
[GRACE FLIPS THROUGH THE NEWPAPER.]
GRACE: [SIGHS] Oh, God. Two guys are already lining up for the next Star Wars movie. I wanna show up in two years and cut right in front of them.
LEO: [ENTERING] Hey, guys. Adler, do you have two singles? I'm short. I told the cab driver I was gonna get some money for his tip-- Screw it, I'm already here. Hi. Hey, Will.
WILL: [FAKE ENTHUSIASM] Hey, Leo! Great to see you, buddy! Thanks for dropping by!
LEO: "Hey, Leo," I like that. It's a lot better than [IMITATING WILL] "Oh...Leo."
WILL: Yeah, how does "Goodbye, Leo" grab you?
GRACE: Oh, look at this. Pumpkin picking day trips in the Catskills. We should do this.
WILL: I know. We always talk about it. We really should do it this time. We could rent bikes. Bike up there. Pick our own pumpkin.
LEO: I got a Jeep. I could drive up. We could all go together.
GRACE: Sounds great! Right, Will?
WILL: Uh, sure. Maybe.
LEO: I got a friend. He loves to bike. Maybe you would hit it off. We could go Halloween, unless you have to work.
WILL: Uh, it's Halloween.
LEO: Excellent. Oh, I gotta go. My latte's probably ready. Have you guys been to Jacques'?
GRACE: No, but I pass it every day on my way to work.
WILL: That bike trip's never gonna happen.
GRACE: No, of course not. Who does that?
SCENE II: Will's Apartment
(WILL and GRACE are sitting at the table when LEO enters.)
LEO: Hey. You guys ready? [CLAPPING] I got the bikes, I got the Jeep. I got the annoying clapping. Come on, let's do it.
GRACE: Do what?
LEO: Pumpkins? Catskills? You know, the bike trip. My buddy's in the lobby. He's really excited. Come on. Pumpkins! Outdoors! Fresh air! Let's raise the roof. Too far.
[LEO EXITS THE APARTMENT.]
WILL: He's kidding, right? We don't do things. We talk about doing things, but we never do them.
LEO: I know. [GASPS] Oh, God. He thinks I do things!
WILL: A pumpkin-picking bike trip on a brisk fall day? It's madness!
GRACE: You have to come. Come on, it could be fun. We're always saying we should be more spontaneous, right?
WILL: Yeah. I just didn't think it would happen so suddenly.
[CUT TO THE HALLWAY, A.K.A. JACQUES'. KAREN HAS JOINED JACK AT THE TABLE. THE RADIO IS PLAYING "TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD" BY RUFUS (FEATURING CHAKA KHAN).]
JACK: You okay, Kare? You haven't touched your Jack-accino.
KAREN: Yeah, I am fine. It's just this song. Stan always puts it on whenever we're making love. Or as I like to call it, being trapped under rubble.
JACK: Gosh, Kares, is it hard to be with him after almost having an affair?
KAREN: No, honey. That's all behind us. I don't even think about that anymore. Ooh. Look, I got a little spot on my jacket. [RUBBING THE SPOT] Out. [RUBBING HARDER] Out, damned spot. Filthy whore! I'm sorry, Stan, I almost cheated on you! You know, I could probably take this to the dry cleaners.
JACK: Uh-oh. I think your behavior is masking some deeper turmoil. But what? [THINKS]
JACK: [KNOCKING HIS HEAD] Grr, psychology is so hard. All right, listen. I tell you what. I'll take you to my gay group therapy. They'll help.
KAREN: No. No more of your damn gay group therapy. How many times you expect me to sit through "Mamma Mia"?
JACK: Karen, I'm serious. Come with me. They'll help. I used to have multiple personalities. Now I'm only dating one guy. Oh, and if anybody asks, your drag name is All-Beef Patty. [KAREN NODS 'OK'.]
[WILL AND GRACE EXIT THEIR APARTMENT.]
KAREN: [TO WILL AND GRACE] Nope.
JACK: [TO WILL AND GRACE] Sorry, there's a 20-minute wait. Thank you.
[WILL AND GRACE PASS JACQUES' AND PRESS THE ELEVATOR BUTTON.]
GRACE: [TO WILL] Thanks for doing this.
WILL: Well, I'm a good friend. Who knows, maybe this guy Leo's bringing along is gonna turn out to be totally hot.
[THE ELEVATOR OPENS. LEO AND HIS FRIEND KIM ARE INSIDE. KIM IS VERY SHORT--ABOUT 7 INCHES SHORTER THAN WILL.]
LEO: Will, this is my friend, Kim.
KIM: It is nice to meet you.
[WILL AND KIM SHAKE HANDS.]
KIM: [QUIETLY TO LEO] Score.
WILL: Nice to meet you, too... Kim. Um, why don't you guys go on ahead, and we'll meet you downstairs.
KIM: Looking forward to it.
LEO: [TO KIM] Down, boy.
KIM: [TO LEO] Shut up, man.
[THE ELEVATOR CLOSES.]
WILL: [TO GRACE] You owe me big time.
JACK: [TO WILL] Or... you owe her.
JACK: Well, you see what you have there, don't you?
WILL: I see what I don't have, the other half of my date.
JACK: What you have... is a pocket gay.
WILL: A pocket gay?
KAREN AND GRACE [BOTH]: A pocket gay?
JACK: A pocket gay. The perfect travel-size homosexual. Just pop him in a man-purse, a briefcase, and you're good to go. In ten years they'll be making 'em all that way.
SCENE III: Gay Group Therapy
(JACK and KAREN are sitting with a group of men. The therapy session led by DR. KAPLAN.)
KAREN: And ever since it happened, I feel so guilty.
KAREN: Well, I feel a little bit uncomfortable. All of these gay eyes on me. Judging me. Undressing me. Then dressing me up again in a different outfit.
KAPLAN: Well, I can understand your reservations, Ms. Beef Patty. But I just want you to understand that we don't judge in here.
[BEAT. EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
KAPLAN: But seriously, you do seem troubled. But we understand what you're going through in here. I mean, a lot of us in here have cheated... [TO ONE OF THE MEN] Roger. [TO KAREN] But I think that your conscience is telling you what you need to do.
KAREN: I have to tell Stan, don't I?
KAPLAN: In here, we value honesty above all else.
[BEAT. EVERYONE LAUGHS.]
KAPLAN: All right, all right. Come on, stop! Ha ha ha!
SCENE IV: The Catskills
(WILL, KIM, GRACE, and LEO are riding their bikes down the road, on their way to the pumpkin patch.)
LEO: [TO KIM] Little man, you wanna race?
KIM: Oh, come on, Leo. It's such a beautiful day, let's-- Psych!
[KIM TAKES OFF, WITH LEO IN HOT PURSUIT, LEAVING WILL AND GRACE BEHIND.]
GRACE: God, Kim's like a machine.
WILL: Or a wind-up toy. [SIGHS] This sucks, riding around in this stupid yellow helmet. It's like I'm on a bike trip with Curious George.
GRACE: I know. If this seat goes any further up my ass, I'm gonna have to take my underwear off with tweezers.
WILL: Fall off your bike.
WILL: Fall off. You'll break something, we'll go back to the lodge, get a stack of pancakes, and end this rotten day.
GRACE: I'm not falling off. You fall.
WILL: He's your boyfriend.
GRACE: And Kim's your boyfriend.
[WILL SMACKS GRACE'S ARM.]
GRACE: Hey, stop that!
WILL: You stop!
GRACE: Can we just please enjoy this? God, I'm so sick of myself. You know what? I'm making a change. From here on, it's a new Grace. And New Grace is gonna be adventurous and outdoorsy. Like the girls on "Little House on the Prairie," but with makeup and sight.
WILL: Get off it. There's no new Grace. Nobody changes, and there's nothing new.
GRACE: You're just jealous because in the last two minutes I've matured and you haven't.
WILL: Any other pearls of wisdom from New Grace?
GRACE: Yeah. Watch out for the pothole.
WILL: What does that mean, watch out for the pot-holy sh--!
[WILL RUNS OFF THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND CRASHES.]
SCENE V: The Lodge
(WILL and GRACE are sitting on the couch.)
GRACE: You okay?
WILL: No! Leo did this on purpose. Clearly, this whole trip was planned to humiliate me. I get the crappy bike, a micro-date, and a helmet that makes me look like I ride the special bus. [WILL TAKES OFF THE HELMET.]
GRACE: Now, Will, let's not rewrite history. The yellow helmet was the only one that fit over your enormous forehead.
[WILL PUSHES HIS HAIR DOWN OVER HIS FOREHEAD.]
WILL: At least now we get to go home, get away from all this fresh air and scenery, and spend Halloween like civilized people… getting hammered in a crowded bar.
GRACE: I'm not going anywhere. I meant what I said before about a new attitude. I'm going to finish this bike trip.
WILL: Oh, please. Nobody has a new attitude, and nobody finishes anything.
GRACE: You know what, Will? You could stand to be a little more open-minded. Let the new Will out. Who knows, maybe New Will knows how to ride a bike.
[LEO AND KIM ENTER.]
LEO: They were a little bit low on medical supplies. But it's cool. You'll probably pass out from the blood loss before the excruciating pain kicks in.
[KIM SNICKERS. WILL MAKES AN ANNOYED FAKE-LAUGH FACE.]
LEO: Okay. So what are we gonna do? Head back?
GRACE: No, are you kidding? Let's go. Let's hit the road. Ooh, sorry, Will.
KIM: Why don't you go ahead? I'll stay with Will.
LEO: Okay. But you owe me one.
KIM: I owe you nothing. Shut up. Get outta here.
[LEO AND GRACE LEAVE.]
SCENE VI: Karen Walker's Penthouse
(KAREN and JACK are in the den, outside Stanley's office.)
KAREN: [SIGHS] Well, this is it, Jackie. The moment of truth. Gonna open those doors, walk into Stan's office, and tell him that I had an affair. And that I feel awful about it. I wish there was some way I could take it back. Please forgive me! Well, I feel better. What do you say we get outta here?
JACK: No, Karen! No! This isn't one of those ugly situations where you can just close your eyes and pray it will be over soon, like a Jennifer Love Hewitt movie. You have to deal with this.
KAREN: You're right. You're right. 'Course you're right. Well, I feel better, what do you say we get out--
JACK: Karen, no!
KAREN: Oh, why should I?
KAREN: Because why?
JACK: Karen. One of the things I admire most about you is your ability to meet a challenge head on. You see a difficult situation, and you tackle it.
JACK: You're strong. You're fearless. Your boobs are as high as an elephant's eye. That's why I love you. I'm gonna help you. Okay. I'm opening the door.
["TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD" IS PLAYING.]
JACK: I'm closing the door.
[JACK SHUTS THE DOORS.]
KAREN: Why? What happened?
JACK: Karen, um, one of the things I admire about you is your ability to run from a challenge. You see a difficult situation and you tackle it with a bottle of J&B. You're weak. You're a scaredy-cat. Your elephant boobs are in my eye. Let's go! Come on!
KAREN: Honey! Get out of my way. I've gotta talk to Stanley.
JACK: No, Karen, he's busy!
KAREN: What--what are you trying to hide, Heidi?
JACK: Nothing! Look, uh, a shiny object.
[JACK PICKS UP A SHINY OBJECT OFF THE TABLE AND WAVES IT IN FRONT OF KAREN'S FACE.]
KAREN: [MESMERIZED] Ooh.
[JACK BEGINS TO STARE AT IT.]
JACK: [MERSMERIZED] Ooh.
KAREN: [SNAPPING OUT OF IT] Oh!
[KAREN OPENS THE DOORS. "TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD" IS PLAYING. JACK GASPS.]
KAREN: Stanley, that had better be me you're having sex with!
SCENE VII: The Lodge
(WILL is sitting on the couch as KIM helps him get comfortable.)
KIM: All right, just keep these puppies elevated, and we'll be dancin' in no time.
WILL: Legs don't heal, and nobody dances. Look, you know, you really don't have to stay with me. I-I'm fine.
KIM: It's okay, I want to.
KIM: [SIGHS] Because I like you, okay? I think you're cute.
WILL: Why do you say that? I'm not cute. I'm grouchy. I'm inflexible. Give me a lawn chair and an open robe, and I'm my grandfather.
KIM: You see, and I think that's cute.
[KIM JUMPS OVER THE COUCH'S ARM REST AND POPS ONTO THE COUCH. KIM TOUCHES WILL'S FEET.]
KIM: Ooh, your feet are freezing. How's this?
[KIM BEGINS MASSAGING WILL'S FEET.]
WILL: You don't have to do th-- Ooh, boy, that feels good....
SCENE VIII: The Catskills
(GRACE and LEO are on the side of the road. The chain on GRACE's bicycle has derailed. She is bent over trying to put it back on.)
LEO: Need some help?
GRACE: Please. Would the Little House girls need help putting a chain back on their prairie bikes? I don't think so. I am fine. This is fun.
LEO: Well, take as long as you need. I'm having a hell of a time admiring your ass.
GRACE: Oh, good! I got it on. I did it! Look!
[GRACE STANDS UP. THE BIKE PEDAL IS IN HER HAND.]
GRACE: How essential is this? Okay, this is not a problem. This is an opportunity for more fun. Okay?
[A CAR PASSES BY. A COFFEE CUP IS THROWN OUT THE WINDOW AND HITS GRACE IN THE HEAD.]
LEO: Guess that's why they call it a to-go cup. You okay?
GRACE: Fine. All I need now is another car to go by with a muffin and a paper. [SIGHS]
LEO: Let me get you something to dry off with.
[LEO WALKS OFF.]
[A CAR PASSES BY AND SPLASHES MUD ALL OVER GRACE'S FACE AND BODY.]
LEO: Here you go.
[LEO HANDS GRACE A FACIAL TISSUE.]
GRACE: [SNIFFLING] Thanks. Fun!
SCENE IX: The Hallway between Will and Jack's apartments, Café Jacques'
(JACK has the chairs up on the table and is sweeping. The elevator opens and KAREN gets out.)
KAREN: Hey, Jackie.
JACK: Hi, Kare. I hope you're not hungry. The kitchen just closed.
[KAREN SITS DOWN.]
KAREN: No. It's okay. Hmm, quiet tonight.
JACK: Well... a holiday...
JACK: Can I get you something to drink?
KAREN: Oh, yeah. Bourbon on the rocks.
JACK: Oh, we don't have a liquor license.
KAREN: I do.
[KAREN PULLS A BOTTLE AND A GLASS OUT OF HER PURSE AND POURS HERSELF A DRINK.]
JACK: [SIGHS] So?
KAREN: So. It's been going on for months. She works in the prison cafeteria. The hairnet... the pork chops... how can I compete with that? Apparently, she had him at jello.
JACK: So, uh, what are you gonna do?
KAREN: Well... Honey, I left him.
[TWO KIDS EXIT THE ELEVATOR.]
KIDS: Trick or treat.
[KAREN POURS BOURBON INTO EACH KID'S PUMPKIN BASKET.]
KAREN: There you go.
SCENE X: The Catskills Pumpkin Patch
(LEO and GRACE pull up to the pumpkin patch and park their bikes.)
LEO: There it is. I see the one I want. It's orange. Let's go. Whoo!
[LEO RUNS OFF]
GRACE: Whoo! I'm right behind you. This is great. [QUIETLY TO HERSELF] I could be in a crowded gay bar right now, getting hammered. Whoo!
GRACE: Leo? Leo, where are ya?
[LEO TOSSES A PUMPKIN TO GRACE. THE PUMPKIN KNOCKS GRACE TO THE GROUND.]
GRACE: Oh, motherf-- Oof!
[LEO SITS DOWN ON THE GROUND AND HELPS GRACE UP INTO A SITTING POSITION.]
LEO: Are you okay? What was I thinking? I guessed that you weighed more than the pumpkin.
GRACE: Leo. I have to tell you something. I have been trying so hard to be someone that I'm-- [THUNDER. IT BEGINS TO RAIN] And it's raining.
[LEO PULLS OFF HIS JACKET AND PUTS IT OVER GRACE'S HEAD.]
LEO: God. You even look beautiful wet.
GRACE: I know, but... Look, there's something I gotta tell ya.
LEO: You're having a crappy time.
GRACE: I am. I wish I weren't, but I am. I'm wet and cold. And I've got mud on my Juicy Couture shirt. And I've inhaled four bugs.
[GRACE COUGHS AND HOLDS UP HER HAND, FIVE FINGERS.]
GRACE: Look, Leo, there is no New Grace. It's just old Grace with pigtails and lower back pain. And I know that you don't know what that means, but I do. So you need a girl who likes to go outside and eat bugs, and I guess you're gonna have to find one, 'cause it ain't me.
LEO: That's a shame. You were the right size and everything. Hello? Coat hog.
[GRACE SPREADS THE JACKET OVER BOTH OF THEIR HEADS.]
GRACE: When did you know I was hating it?
LEO: When we passed that motel with free HBO, and a tear ran down your cheek.
GRACE: I do love television. I'm sorry.
LEO: It's okay.
[LEO KISSES GRACE.]
LEO: Wanna get outta here?
GRACE: What's the rush? I'm starting to feel a little more outdoorsy.
[GRACE KISSES LEO BACK.]
[LEO AND GRACE SIT IN THE RAIN KISSING.]
SCENE XI: Will's Apartment Building
(The elevator door opens. WILL exits, GRACE stays in.)
WILL: You staying at Leo's tonight?
GRACE: Yeah. What about you?
WILL: Ugh. I'm beat. I'm probably just gonna crash.
GRACE: Ok. Goodnight.
[WILL WAITS AT THE DOOR UNTIL THE ELEVATOR DOOR CLOSES.]
[KIM OPENS THE STAIRWELL DOOR.]
[WILL NODS TOWARDS THE APARTMENT. WILL FOLLOWS KIM INTO THE APARTMENT WHILE "TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD" PLAYS.]