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(The screen is in letterbox format. Dramatic adventure movie music. A MAN in a dark business suit, ala Mulder, is running through a dark graveyard. Dodging bullets, he dives in a forward aerial summersault over one of the creepy headstones, then scoots back and reaches his hand back over the stone and fires randomly five or six times at whoever is following him. He removes the clip from the gun. It is empty.)
[TD NOTE: The name on the headstone he hides behind, Alan Smithee, is a well known Hollywood in-joke. It's the name a lot of directors "hide behind" when they have no interest in having their own names attached to the project any more. I honestly *did* know this already but kudos to Autumn T. for pointing it out.]
MALE VOICE: Give it up, Mulder! You've got no chance!
(The camera pans up showing that this is not the MULDER we know, but GARRY SHANDLING as MULDER. He has a cheap looking ceramic bowl between his legs. He searches his jacket for another clip. No luck. Things look hopeless for him at the moment.)
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: Damn it.
MALE VOICE: My sniper zombies are everywhere.
(Indeed, they are. Several gory looking, moaning ZOMBIES are getting into sniper position behind tombstones, automatic rifles trained on GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER. Red laser gun sights flash through the fog. All are pointed at GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER. The MALE VOICE belongs to a man wearing high-level Catholic priest's robes. He is known as the CIGARETTE SMOKING PONTIFF. He is a tall, older man with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He is holding a RED-HAIRED WOMAN hostage, his arm around her neck.)
CIGARETTE SMOKING PONTIFF: I'll offer you a deal. You give me the Lazarus bowl and I'll give you Scully.
RED-HAIRED WOMAN'S VOICE: Mulder!
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: How about this deal? You give me Scully, I don't smash the Lazarus bowl and shove the pieces where the Son of God don't shine, you Cigarette-Smoking Mackerel Snapper.
(GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER comes out from behind the tombstone. He is holding the bowl above his head. The ZOMBIES and the CSP stare at him. We get to see the red-haired woman's face. It is not SCULLY, but TEA LEONI AS SCULLY. Her shoulder is bloody.)
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I break the Lazarus Bowl and all your sniper zombies go back to being good, little, well-behaved corpses.
(The ZOMBIES moan in fear.)
CIGARETTE SMOKING PONTIFF: You don't fool me, Mulder. That bowl is your Holy Grail. Encoded in its ancient ceramic grooves are the words Jesus spake when he raised Lazarus from the dead-- still capable of raising the dead 2,000 years later. Proof positive of the paranormal. You could no sooner destroy that than let the redhead die.
(Close up of GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER looking at TEA LEONI AS SCULLY. Close up of TEA LEONI AS SCULLY looking at GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER. That unspoken communication, gotta love it. A rational sounding ZOMBIE with a standard California accent steps forward and speaks to GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER.)
RATIONAL ZOMBIE: Come on, man. Don't break the bowl. We don't want to go back to being dead. There's no food, no women, no dancing. Save the bowl and we'll dump that Ciggy-Smoking Stooge for you and you'll be the new King of the Dead.
(GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER glances at TEA LEONI AS SCULLY. She shakes her head slightly.)
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I'd rather serve in Heaven than rule in Hell.
[TD Note: Satan from Milton's "Paradise Lost": "Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven."]
(All in slow motion, GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER throws the bowl high into the air. The ZOMBIES all drop their guns and run toward the airborne bowl. GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER runs toward the CSP and TEA LEONI AS SCULLY. As the CSP also tries to save the bowl, TEA LEONI AS SCULLY gets the gun from him and fires at a ZOMBIE who is about to catch the bowl. GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER pushes the CSP out of the way and grabs TEA LEONI AS SCULLY. Together, they roll down the hill and fall into an open grave and the coffin lid slams shut. All is dark. We hear heavy breathing.)
[TD Note: Freeze-frame the scene right as Shandling leaps on top of Tea and before they start rolling. That ain't Shandling, I recognize that classic profile anywhere, it's Duchovny!]
TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or... you just happy to be lying on top of me?
(We see the screen flicker. We realize that we are in a movie theatre watching this. The audience chuckles.)
DARRYL ZANUCK THEATER
20TH CENTURY FOX
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: My flashlight.
(In the coffin, GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER turns on his flashlight, illuminating their faces. TEA LEONI AS SCULLY smiles and shifts position and GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER gasps.)
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: (realizing) Oh, that.
(Audience laughs harder.)
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: You know, seven long years I've been waiting for just the right moment, Scully.
TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Oh, you're a sick man, Mulder. Go on.
(Audience shot of Chris Carter eating popcorn out of a plastic replica of the bowl that is in the movie. He is grinning and nodding happily. We pan across to see that David Alan Grier and Minnie Driver are also in the audience.)
[TD Note: You can barely see someone whispering in Carter's ear at the start of this shot. That's Bill Millar who also plays the director of the movie.]
GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER: I love you, Scully. No ifs, ands or...
TEA LEONI AS SCULLY: Bees.
(They both moan as he kisses her deeply. Audience laughs. Kissing and moaning continues as the camera pans across the rapt faces of TEA LEONI, GARRY SHANDLING, and other audience members, finally reaching SCULLY and MULDER at the end of the row. Like the rest, they are dressed formally, SCULLY in a black dress, MULDER in a tux. SCULLY's shoulders are up around her ears as she stares at the screen in horror. MULDER is watching in shock. As the kissing continues, he groans and drops his head into his hands. He looks up and across the aisle at SKINNER who looks back at him and grins broadly as he eats his popcorn out of his "Lazarus Bowl." MULDER stares at SKINNER a moment, then back up at the screen where TEA LEONI AS SCULLY and GARRY SHANDLING AS MULDER are STILL kissing passionately inside the coffin. SCULLY hasn't moved. MULDER has a moment of extreme depression, and then drops his head despondently.)
EIGHTEEN MONTHS EARLIER
(SKINNER's office. MULDER and SCULLY are in their usual places as SKINNER briefs them on the case. A MAN is sitting on one of the couches behind them.)
SKINNER: Yesterday, a small pipe bomb ripped through the crypt of Christ's Church here in DC. There were no casualties, no thefts, no note making any demand.
SCULLY: Who's taking credit for it?
(The MAN, about SKINNER's age, listening intently and watching MULDER and SCULLY, speaks into a hand-held mini tape recorder.)
MAN: SHE: Jodie Foster's foster child on a Payless budget. He's like a ... Jehovah's Witness meets Harrison Ford's "Witness."
(MULDER and SCULLY look back at the man, then at each other, then back to SKINNER.)
SCULLY: Uh, Christ's Church. Isn't that, uh, Cardinal O'Fallon's church?
SKINNER: Yes. O'Fallon's residence is adjacent to the crypt.
MULDER: Who's Cardinal O'Fallon?
MAN: (into the recorder, dramatically, nodding at SKINNER) Cardinal "Oh-fallen," perhaps.
(A cell phone begins to ring, much to the irritation of MULDER and SCULLY.)
SCULLY: Um... He's one of the most powerful men in the church today. His name often comes up as a possibility for the first American pope.
MULDER: Oh. I-I don't want to be myopic here, sir, but this looks like a straight up terrorist act for the A.T.F.
MAN: (into the recorder) "Myopic."
SKINNER: Yes, it does.
(MULDER can't take the ringing anymore and turns to face the MAN.)
MULDER: Are you going to answer your phone?
MAN: I didn't want to be rude.
(The MAN goes for his phone. MULDER turns back to SKINNER.)
MULDER: Sir, who the hell is this guy?
MAN: (on phone) Hello?
SKINNER: This is Wayne Federman. He's an old buddy of mine from college. He's a writer out in Hollywood now and he's working on an FBI-based movie. He's asked me to give him access.
SCULLY: (in the same tone of voice that she might say doggie poop) A screenwriter?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: It's actually... It's a writer-slash-producer.
MULDER: Well, that's actually just a hindrance-slash-pain in the neck.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (hanging up) Yo, yo, yo. Agent Mulder, I don't want to eat your lunch. I'm just here for some procedural flavor-- just a taste.
(Pause as MULDER stares at WAYNE FEDERMAN.)
MULDER: I've no idea what you just said.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, the Skinman's filled me in on your particular bent.
(MULDER looks at SKINNER who shrugs.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: He said that you come at things maybe a little fahkatke, a little Star Trekky, which is the exact vibe I'm looking for for this thing I'm doing. It's a Silence of the Lambs meets Greatest Story Ever Told type thing. It's... beautiful, and I will not be in your way. I'll be strictly Heisenbergian-- a hologram.
(MULDER gives SCULLY a pained smile, then puts his hand to his forehead as SKINNER gives the order.)
SKINNER: Agent Mulder, Mr. Federman will accompany you today to Christ's Church where he will act as an observer on this case. You will extend to him every courtesy and protection you would a friend of mine and a friend of the Bureau's. Agent Scully, I require your services here for the morning.
(Federman chuckles and gives a suggestive "MmmHmm." MULDER looks pitifully at SKINNER.)
MULDER: Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal?
(MULDER and WAYNE FEDERMAN pull up in front of a large cathedral. A conversation is in progress.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Just curious if she's more than your partner.
MULDER: Enough, Wayne.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Hey, whatever.
(The two men get out of the car and enter the church. Two nuns pass by the entrance. Autumn? Nanchita?)
CHRIST'S CHURCH WASHINGTON, DC
(It's either 9:20 or 3:45. Later inside the church, MULDER is talking to a distinguished looking priest, CARDINAL O'FALLON. WAYNE FEDERMAN follows them as they walk through the church.)
MULDER: Cardinal O'Fallon can you think of anyone who might make an attempt on your life?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: The church always has enemies, Agent Mulder.
MULDER: The size of the bomb would have limited its destruction to just the crypt itself. Is there anything down there worth targeting?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Not really. Just some old bones, artifacts, relics... documents that we store down there in the cold. We like to think of it as God's Refrigerator.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: That's a great line.
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Thank you.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (into his tape recorder) "God's Refrigerator."
MULDER: Wayne, shut up.
CARDINAL O'FALLON: No treasures to the outside world. Things of negligible monetary value... but great spiritual value to the church-- ancient devotional texts... and medieval relics.
(They are now descending a staircase.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: How about the Shroud of Turin?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: No, afraid not, but we do have the Bathrobe of St. Peter.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: You're kidding?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Yes, I am.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: That's a good line.
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Thank you.
MULDER: (warning) Wayne... Shut up.
(They enter a dark, spider-webby crypt.)
MULDER: Who comes down to the crypt here?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Only myself. There are a half a mile of catacombs here. (he turns on a light) I like to walk here during lunch.
(They look around. One area of the crypt is rubble.)
CARDINAL O'FALLON: That's where the bomb went off.
MULDER: Well, my instinct, Cardinal, is to see this desecration of the dead less as a murder attempt and more as a terrorist act-- a message...
(A cell phone begins ringing. MULDER looks accusingly at WAYNE FEDERMAN. WAYNE FEDERMAN sheepishly checks his phone.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Uh, this isn't me. I think it's you.
MULDER: Excuse me. (pulls his phone out) That's, uh, that's not me.
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Let me check. (pulls his phone out) Not me, either. Can never get reception here.
(Phone continues to ring. MULDER kneels down beside one of the damaged crypts, removes rubble, and pulls a cell phone off of the not-long-dead body buried there.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Would that be St. Jude's cell phone, Cardinal?
(MULDER looks at the face of the body that he has revealed.)
MULDER: No. That's Micah Hoffman.
(MULDER activates the ID function on the Nokia phone and reads the name there. It is MICAH HOFFMAN.)
ADAMS MORGAN DISTRICT
(MULDER and SCULLY are walking down a residential inner city street followed closely by WAYNE FEDERMAN.)
MULDER: Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays, and Frank Serpico. That's my Holy Trinity, Scully.
SCULLY: Of course, I'm too young to remember but, uh, wasn't he some kind of a '60s campus radical, like a Jerry Rubin or Mario Savio?
MULDER: Yeah. Name a '60s counterculture movement and Micah Hoffman was at or near the center of it. He was one of the original Weathermen. He was the first Yippie. He was a better poet than Ginsburg and he was also the starting shortstop for his Columbia baseball team.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Then in the '70s, didn't he go real low profile?
MULDER: Yeah, right after Altamont. He was never really heard from again.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Aw, the Stones get blamed for everything. I don't get it.
(They arrive at the door of a low rent apartment.)
MULDER: This should be it here.
(MULDER begins to jimmy the lock with his kit.)
MULDER: (to SCULLY) What did Skinner want you for this morning?
SCULLY: Just paperwork.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Hmm...
(He gives MULDER a "knowing" look and touches his finger to his lips then points. MULDER, uncomfortable, chooses to ignore him. So does SCULLY. MULDER gets the door open.)
SCULLY: Mulder, we should have a warrant.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (sarcastically) Hey, it's only the Constitution. No big deal.
(They enter the apartment. Odd assortment of furniture, art, bomb-making equipment.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Dis-feng shui.
(Little nod to Gillian, there, DD? See 7X17, all things.)
SCULLY: Mulder, sorry to denigrate a third of your Trinity, but, uh, looks like Hoffman was killed by one of his own bombs.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, from Dharma bum to Dharma bomb.
(MULDER gives him a look.)
MULDER: I knew, uh, Hoffman was a master potter...
SCULLY: Yeah, well, it appears he was a master calligrapher as well. Look, Mulder, they've got gum arabic and sodium hydroxide here. (reacting to the smell) Whoo, these would be used to, uh, to age the ink and the paper prematurely. It's a... it's a forger's trick.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, from counterculture to counterfeiter.
MULDER: All right, one more pun and I pull out my gun. Scully, look at that.
(They look at some parchment covered in a foreign language.)
MULDER: Christos. Looks like a religious text. Can you read Greek at all?
SCULLY: Well, it's pretty rusty but it looks like some kind of lost Gospel. A gospel of Mary Magdalene, and, uh, an account of Christ's life on Earth after the Resurrection.
SCULLY: Yeah. It's a heretical text, Mulder-- mythical, I should say, but long rumored to be in existence.
MULDER: Well, what would Micah Hoffman be doing with heretical religious texts?
SCULLY: I think the question is: What would Hoffman be doing forging them?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: I think the real question, "Agents," is: What might O'Fallon be doing with Hoffman's forgeries?
(They both look up at him in grudging respect.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (modestly) You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
(MULDER glares at him. WAYNE FEDERMAN holds his hands up defensively.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Don't shoot!
(Later, MULDER and WAYNE FEDERMAN enter the crypt again. MULDER has his flashlight out.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: I like the way you guys work-- no warrants, no permission, no research. You're like studio executives with guns.
(MULDER ignores him.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Should I call you Agent Mulder or Mr. Mulder, or, like do you have a nickname or something like that?
(They hear a faint clicking )
MULDER: Shh, shh, shh, shh.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Like Skinman?
(MULDER ignores him, looking around the crypt.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Just ignore me.
MULDER: What's that?
FEDERMAN: What the hell was that?
SCULLY: I'm sure this place is crawling with rats.
FEDERMAN: Is that supposed to comfort me?]
(They see another parchment.)
MULDER: Looks like the same gospel of Mary Scully ID'd over at Hoffman's place.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: So, is this a forgery, or is this the real thing?
MULDER: Well, there is no "real" Gospel of Mary, Federman. The, uh, original would be a fake.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: All right, so is this a real fake or a fake fake or...?
(They both jump as a cell phone rings.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Sorry, that's me.
(WAYNE FEDERMAN steps away to talk. MULDER puts his flashlight in his mouth and looks at the parchment.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Yes? ... No, no, no. No, I can hear you. It's just your voice is...
(As WAYNE FEDERMAN walks through the crypt, a human skull jumps out of the way to avoid being stepped on.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) There's like a crackly sound and then I hear a syllab... Stop yelling. Yelling isn't helping the situation. ...
(MULDER is still looking with interest at the parchment.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Just talk. Y-you're breaking up. No, let me call you back. (turns on a light) Okay. Yeah, I'm telling you... I'm going through a crypt.
(Creepy harpsichord music. The clicking starts again. WAYNE FEDERMAN gasps and drops his flashlight at the sight of a pair of leg bones running across his path. A skull chatters its teeth and skeletal hands dance. One of the hands picks up the dropped flashlight and runs away with it. WAYNE FEDERMAN stares in awe.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Wow!
(The bones appear to be rebuilding a bowl.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (amazed) Oh, my... God.
(Diner. WAYNE FEDERMAN is sitting between MULDER and SCULLY. They drink coffee, he a glass of juice.)
[TD Note: Mulder "walks" his hand over to pick up his coffee.]
SCULLY: Now, Wayne, I'm sure that it was dark in there and that your eyes were playing tricks on you and you've been influenced by ghost stories and horror movies that take place in crypts and graveyards and you hallucinated this vision of these dancing bones trying to reconstruct this bowl.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: No, I didn't hallucinate. That was mechanical or C.G.I.
MULDER: (chuckling) Federman, that wasn't a movie. That was real life.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: The difference being?
(They have no answer.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, I have got my flavor here, so I appreciate all your help. I've got a movie to write.
MULDER: (amazed) You're leaving? You don't want to get to the bottom of this?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Not especially.
MULDER: Well, you know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Well, fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper. You want my advice? You're both crazy.
MULDER: Well, why do you say that?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (to MULDER) Well, you're crazy for believing what you believe. (to SCULLY) And you're crazy for not believing what he believes. I'll leave you with that. Thank you.
MULDER: I miss him already.
SCULLY: You know, Mulder, I... I know that Federman's bs-ing you, so I'm really hesitant to mention this, but, um... his story reminds me of the Lazarus Bowl.
MULDER: The Lazarus bowl?
SCULLY: We had this wacky nun in Catholic school-- Sister Callahan-- we used to call her "Sister Spooky" 'cause she would tell us scary stories all the time.
MULDER: Twisted sisters, my kind of nun, you know?
SCULLY: Well, she would hold up an old piece of wood with a rusty nail in it, and she would say "this is an actual piece of the cross that Christ's wrist was nailed to." Or she'd show us a vial of red liquid and say that it was John the Baptist's blood, or something.
MULDER: She'd be in prison today. You realize that.
SCULLY: Well, she would tell this story of when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead and she said that there was this old woman who was Lazarus's aunt or something...
MULDER: Lazarus's aunt?
SCULLY: ...who was spinning a clay bowl on a wheel nearby and that Christ's words-- the actual incantation to raise the dead--were recorded in the clay grooves of the pottery just like the way music is recorded into vinyl.
MULDER: You see? It's just not true that you can't get good science at Catholic school. It's a lie.
SCULLY: (laughing, fingering a piece of the clay bowl) Well, Sister Spooky says that, uh... that these words in the clay still have the power to raise the dead just like Jesus raised Lazarus.
MULDER: (smiling at her) That is a very cool story coming from you, Scully. I'll have Chuck Burks meet you over at my office see if this clay has Christ's Greatest Hits on it and I'm going... I'm going to go have another audience with Cardinal O'Fallon.
(MULDER's office. SCULLY is watching CHUCK BURKS examine the pottery piece with sophisticated laser equipment.)
CHUCK BURKS: There's music in the air, Agent Scully. See, everything that exists vibrates and therefore sings. The street, uh, your internal organs, electricity, everything. Here, I'll show you. You see, this is my voice bouncing around in the red here. And all this yellow is ambient sound that we habitually tune out. It's the hum of my hardware, Mulder's porn tapes on pause, the sounds from the street-- everything we hear but we don't know we hear. I can hear it with this machine.
(He hears something in the headphones.)
CHUCK BURKS: (awed) Oh...
SCULLY: What is it?
(CHUCK BURKS takes off the headphones letting SCULLY listen to the ethereal oscillating tone.)
CHUCK BURKS: Who made this?
SCULLY: We're not sure. Either a forger by the name of Micah Hoffman or, uh, someone else in the vicinity of Jesus Christ.
(CHUCK BURKS chuckles, then realizes she's not kidding.)
CHUCK BURKS: Oh... Bazingo-- whoever did it is some kind of musical genius. This clay is vibrating in all the keys at once. It's heavenly.
(Christ's Church. MULDER hands the fragment of parchment to CARDINAL O'FALLON. MULDER is very respectful.)
MULDER: Can you translate what it says there for me, please?
(CARDINAL O'FALLON is reluctant.)
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Did you recover them from the crypt?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: (reading) "And then Jesus took his beloved Mary Magdalene in an embrace, an embrace not of God and woman but of man and woman. And Jesus said to Mary, 'love the body for it is all of the soul that our senses can perceive.'"
(MULDER shows him more copies.)
MULDER: And how about these?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: These appear to be copies of the original.
MULDER: Or rough drafts.
CARDINAL O'FALLON: How?
MULDER: They're all forgeries, sir. Did you buy these from Micah Hoffman?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: (ashamed) I thought they were real.
MULDER: I can understand that. Hoffman was a master. My partner had them analyzed and they're virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. The paper is authentic, the ink, the hand, the diction-- everything. Hoffman was also an explosives expert. Do you have any idea what he might have been doing with a bomb in the crypt?
(CARDINAL O'FALLON shakes his head.)
MULDER: Can you think of anybody who might have wanted to kill Micah Hoffman?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: No.
MULDER: Why were you hiding the documents, sir?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: When Micah came to me... with these, as I then thought, ancient texts and our experts verified them - he exploded a bomb in my heart. The Christ that I'd loved was not the Christ in these texts.
MULDER: So you bought them in order to hide them?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: To keep others from feeling the despair... and the anger that I felt. To protect people from what I can now see they needed no protection from.
MULDER: Why didn't you just destroy the documents yourself?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: I thought they were real. I hated them, I despised them. I would have liked to destroy them, but I couldn't. Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?
MULDER: I'd be doing life if it were, sir.
(SCULLY is sitting at MULDER's desk. The phone rings.)
SCULLY: (on phone) Scully.
MULDER: (on phone) Hey, uh, Scully, it's me. Can you horn in on the Hoffman autopsy for me?
SCULLY: (on phone) Why?
(MULDER is in his car driving. It is raining.)
MULDER: (on phone) I got a feeling Hoffman was dead before he died. He was blackmailing O'Fallon with those forgeries. Maybe O'Fallon retaliated.
SCULLY: (on phone) Oh, Mulder, this bowl. Your buddy Chuck Burks says that it has properties he's never seen before.
(MULDER's call waiting beeps.)
MULDER: (on phone) Oh, hold on a second. That's my other line.
(MULDER switches over.)
MULDER: (on phone) Yeah, Mulder.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Agent Mulder? It's Wayne Slash Federman out in L.A.
(WAYNE FEDERMAN is driving his red convertible along a sunny California highway. He talks on the car speaker phone.)
MULDER: (on phone) I can't really talk about the case, you know.
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) That's all right-- Skinman's keeping me in the loop. Listen, who do you see playing you in the movie?
MULDER: (on phone, surprised) I'm in the movie?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Well, it's a character loosely based on you. It's more of an amalgamation.
MULDER: (on phone) Yeah, hold on a second, Wayne.
(MULDER switches lines back to SCULLY.)
MULDER: (on phone) Hey, Sister Spooky, I've got to take this.
SCULLY: (on phone) I'll call you after the autopsy.
MULDER: (on phone) Thanks.
(MULDER switches back to WAYNE FEDERMAN.)
MULDER: (on phone) How about Richard Gere?
(WAYNE FEDERMAN bursts into laughter.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Ho! Yeah, okay. Uh, seriously. What if I said to you the name "Garry Shandling"?
MULDER: (on phone) Wayne, you're breaking up. It sounded like you said "Garry Shandling."
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Garry Shandling signed on to play the amalgamation loosely based on you and Tea Leoni's playing the amalgamation loosely based on your partner, you stud. The movie's called the Lazarus bowl.
MULDER: (on phone) How do you know about the Lazarus bowl?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) The Skinman. Listen, Shandling and Leoni want to meet you guys... get your flavor-- it's an actor type thing. Come on out to the studio on our dime. We'll make it nice.
MULDER: (on phone) Hey, who's... well, then who's going to play Skinner in the movie?
WAYNE FEDERMAN: (on phone) Richard Gere.
MULDER: (on phone) Ri ... Ri ....
(Loud banging as MULDER either hits something with the car or gets a flat tire on the wet road.)
(Morgue. SCULLY is doing the autopsy on MICAH HOFFMAN.)
SCULLY: Fracturing of skull and surface abrasions initially consistent with concussive force injuries. I am, uh, now weighing the heart which is relatively normal, although somewhat large.
(As she looks up at the scale, the corpse behind her sits up on the table, skin flapping around the open "Y" incision.)
MICAH HOFFMAN'S CORPSE: I'm going to need that when you're done with it.
(SCULLY gasps at the sight of MICAH HOFFMAN's CORPSE talking to her.)
SCULLY: Oh, my God.
(The body gets up and stands close to her. He stretches and makes a "hoowah" sound, and shakes his torso as if loosening muscles. SCULLY steps closer and stares at him.)
SCULLY: Who are you?
MICAH HOFFMAN'S CORPSE: I am who I am.
(SCULLY reaches out to touch him tentatively with the scalpel. He stops her and she drops it.)
MICAH HOFFMAN'S CORPSE: Ah-ah... Noli me tangere, baby.
[TD: "Noli me tangere" means "Touch me not", from the Bible, John 20:17]
(Keeping her eyes on him, SCULLY kneels down to pick up her scalpel. She cuts her finger through the latex.)
SCULLY: Ow! Damn it!
(When she looks back up from her bloody finger, the corpse is back on the table where it should be. SCULLY looks a bit unsettled. She checks her bloody finger.)
(Morgue, later. MULDER passes a body on a gurney, then joins SCULLY who is contemplating her band-aid covered finger. She is very pensive.)
MULDER: What'd you find, Scully?
SCULLY: In Micah Hoffman's stomach there were traces of red wine and strychnine.
MULDER: Man, oh, manischevitz-- communion wine, I bet.
MULDER: I bet O'Fallon poisoned Hoffman then placed his body near the explosion to cover his tracks.
SCULLY: It's possible, Mulder.
MULDER: I could get a warrant for O'Fallon.
(Small gathering in the beautifully lit cathedral. CARDINAL O'FALLON is leading Mass. MULDER and SCULLY enter.)
CARDINAL O'FALLON: You're the One God living in truth. Through all eternity you live in unapproachable light...
(SCULLY stops MULDER from going straight up to the altar.)
SCULLY: Mulder... Let's allow the man some dignity, okay?
(MULDER and SCULLY go over to one side of the church. MULDER watches CARDINAL O'FALLON as SCULLY goes over to a side altar above which is a life sized figure of Jesus on the cross. She crosses herself and kneels before it to pray.)
CARDINAL O'FALLON: ...to fill your creatures with every blessing and to lead all men to the joyful vision of our life. In our joy we sing to your glory with all the choirs of angels:
Holy, holy, holy Lord
God of power and might,
Heaven and earth are full of your glory.
Hosanna in the highest
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.
Hosanna in the highest...
(SCULLY looks up at the figure and is startled to see that it is now MICAH HOFFMAN CRUCIFIED. He no longer has the wounds from the explosion. He looks down at her.)
MICAH HOFFMAN CRUCIFIED: Consummatum est.
[TD Note: "It is finished.", from John 19:30]
(SCULLY looks to MULDER ten feet away, but he is watching CARDINAL O'FALLON. When SCULLY looks back to the figure, it is once again the statue of Jesus. She is not quite sure of what she saw.)
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Lord Jesus Christ, you said to your apostles: "I leave you in peace, My peace I give you." Look not on our sins..
(SCULLY goes over to MULDER who saw nothing of her little encounter.).
SCULLY: Let's get this over with.
(Surprised, MULDER follows SCULLY up to CARDINAL O'FALLON's altar.)
CARDINAL O'FALLON: ...But on the faith of your church and grant us the peace and unity of your kingdom. Amen.
(MULDER begins reading CARDINAL O'FALLON his rights.)
MULDER: Augustine O'Fallon, you're under arrest for the murder of Micah Hoffman. You have the right to remain silent.
(As MULDER places handcuffs on CARDINAL O'FALLON, SCULLY looks up at someone walking down the aisle.)
SCULLY: Oh, my God.
MULDER: Anything you say can and will be used against you...
SCULLY: Mulder... Do you see what I see?
(MULDER also looks down the aisle.)
MULDER: Yes, I do.
SCULLY: Is that Micah Hoffman?
CARDINAL O'FALLON: Yes, it is.
(MICAH HOFFMAN silently walks toward them smiling broadly. His body shows no signs of either an explosion or crucifixtion.)
(GREAT shot of SKINNER yelling down into the camera. We feel very small.)
SKINNER: Misidentification of a corpse and subsequent unrequested autopsy...
(MULDER and SCULLY are sitting in SKINNER's office taking the abuse, weakly trying to defend themselves.)
SCULLY: Sir, the dead man looked very much like Micah Hoffman. He had Hoffman's I.D. on him...
SKINNER: Agent Scully... if I'm carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse do you assume that I slept with J.F.K.?
(SCULLY is silent.)
SKINNER: Agent Mulder, the FBI has always prided itself on the speedy expedition of its cases but this is the first time-- and I hope you're as proud of this as I am-- that we've ever attempted to pursue a murder case where the victim was still alive and healthy.
MULDER: A bomb went off, a crime's been committed. There's a dead body nobody seems to give a damn about, O'Fallon's been less than forthcoming and Hoffman, at the very least is guilty of forgery and extortion.
SKINNER: (standing, emphatically tapping on his desk) Agent Mulder, you will leave O'Fallon alone. You will leave Hoffman alone and Agent Scully, you'll put your trigger-happy scalpel away. Best case scenario... you get to keep your jobs. Worst case, O'Fallon and the church bring a huge embarrassing lawsuit against the Bureau which will feature you two as its sacrificial lambs. As of right now... I am forcing you to take a four-week leave effective immediately pending review.
(Later, SCULLY and MULDER enter MULDER's office.)
MULDER: I think this whole Richard Gere thing is going to Skinner's head.
SCULLY: We're off this case, Mulder.
(CHUCK BURKS is still in the office working on the bowl with his equipment.)
CHUCK BURKS: Compadres. I teased out something very fabulous from your pottery there.
(Recorded sound of a man speaking a foreign language.)
CHUCK BURKS: Layered in under the ambience there. Guess what language that is.
(MULDER is tired. He has had a bad day.)
MULDER: Chuck, I've had a bad day.
CHUCK BURKS: It's a dead language. I had a linguist in here to listen to the recording. It's Aramaic.
SCULLY: That's the language that Christ spoke. (she looks up at MULDER) Did your linguist happen to translate it?
CHUCK BURKS: Yes, he did. It's in two parts. The first part here roughly translates as "I am the walrus. I am the walrus. Paul is dead. Coo-coo-ca-choo." (SCULLY gives a look.) Although there is no Aramaic word for "walrus." So it literally says "I am the bearded cow-like sea beast."
MULDER: What's the second part?
CHUCK BURKS: Second part's a little freakier. Here.
(He plays another part of the recording.)
SCULLY: What is it?
CHUCK BURKS: It appears to be one man commanding another to rise from the dead.
(MICAH HOFFMAN's apartment.)
MICAH HOFFMAN: I am become Jesus Christ.
(He laughs loudly. MULDER glances at SCULLY who is sitting beside him on the low couch.)
MULDER: I am become skeptical.
(Camera circles the three as they talk.)
MICAH HOFFMAN: There I was totally bumming after Altamont, and I thought throw in the towel and go to law school or continue to fight and become a forger of scandalous religious documents.
MULDER: Well, I suppose that's a choice every young gifted American male is faced with.
MICAH HOFFMAN: I knew O'Fallon from college. He was a divinity professor of mine.
MULDER: At Columbia.
MICAH HOFFMAN: Yeah. And he's a decent man but with an overweening pride and sense of responsibility borne of a fundamental lack of respect for the human animal. He believes in God, but not in man, in man's ability to choose, to live in freedom. He has Christ in his brain, but not in his heart.
SCULLY: So, uh... you created a Christ in these forgeries that was more suited to your particular world view?
MICAH HOFFMAN: Yeah. But before I could write like Christ I had to become him in much the same way I imagine an actor who plays a part becomes that part. So I immersed myself in Jesus Christ. Not just the church and teachings but the man, the custom of his time, the language, the vibe, the feeling of Christ.
SCULLY: So why didn't O'Fallon and the Elders go outside the church for authentification?
MICAH HOFFMAN: Because the forgeries were too damning of the church. They couldn't risk the exposure. But then, something truly weird came over me.
MICAH HOFFMAN: Conversion, Agent Scully. The lightning bolt that transformed Saul to Paul on the road to Damascus. One day I was not just impersonating Jesus Christ, I had become him. That's why I blew up the crypt. The forgeries were blasphemous and needed to be destroyed.
(MULDER hands over the phone.)
MULDER: How did your cell phone get on the dead man in the crypt?
MICAH HOFFMAN: God works in mysterious ways.
(MULDER's apartment. Late evening. MULDER is lying on his couch watching "Plan Nine From Outer Space" on TV, one of the first cheesy sci-fi films made. He speaks the lines along with the actors. He obviously knows the movie very well.)
MULDER AND TV: Well, as long as they can think we'll have our problems. But those whom we are using cannot think they are the dead brought to assimilated life by our electrode...
(Someone knocks at the door.)
MULDER: It's open.
MULDER AND TV: You know, it's an interesting thing when you consider the earth people who can think... ...
(MULDER sits up and makes room for SCULLY to sit on the arm of the couch beside him. The movie continues.)
TV: ... are so frightened by those who cannot be dead.
MULDER: Couldn't sleep either, huh?
SCULLY: Plan 9 From Outer Space?
MULDER: Yeah. It's the Ed Wood investigative method. This movie is so profoundly bad in such a childlike way that it hypnotizes my conscious critical mind and frees up my right brain to make associo-poetic leaps and I started flashing on Hoffman and O'Fallon. How there's this archetypal relationship like Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Judas or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's Dostoyevsky's Grand Inquisitor, or Hoffman's Jesus to O'Fallon's St. Paul.
SCULLY: How about Hoffman's Roadrunner to O'Fallon's Wile E. Coyote?
(She grins and he laughs. On the screen, a body is rising out of the ground.)
SCULLY: Do you think it's at all possible that Hoffman is really Jesus Christ?
MULDER: Are you making fun of me?
MULDER: Well, no, I don't. But crazy people can be very persuasive.
SCULLY: Well, yes, I know that.
(They both smile as MULDER takes the hit.)
SCULLY: Maybe true faith is really a form of insanity.
MULDER: Are you directing that at me?
SCULLY: (emphatically) No. I'm directing it at myself and at Ed Wood.
MULDER: Well, you know, even a broken clock is right 730 times a year.
(They watch the movie. On the screen, a zombie woman walks toward the camera.)
MULDER: (answering the question before she asks) 42.
SCULLY: You've seen this movie 42 times?
SCULLY: Doesn't that make you sad? It makes me sad.
(They sit quietly for a moment as the movie continues. Two men are looking at a map.)
ACTOR 1: You ever been to Hollywood?
ACTOR 2: Oh, a couple of times a few years ago.
ACTOR 1: You're going to be there in the morning. Just a few minutes from Hollywood in the town of San Fernando reports have come in of saucers flying so low...
MULDER: You know, Scully, we've got four weeks probation vacation and nothing to do and Wayne Federman's invited us out to L.A. to watch his movie being filmed and God knows I could use a little sunshine.
(She looks up at him. He smiles.)
(On the screen, a flying saucer wobbles by.)
SCULLY: (resigned) California, here we come.
(MULDER and SCULLY are walking down what looks like a Boston city street. [Ally Mcbeal?] Happy California Movie Music. A man on a bicycle behind them rings a bell and passes them with the Roadrunner "beep, beep." Then their GUIDE leads them through a lower door and they are on a sound stage set up to look like a graveyard. Lots of cameras, people in costume, cranes lowering gravestones, etc. ZOMBIES are practicing moaning and combat moves. MULDER grins at SCULLY. They look quite out of place. Of course, they are wearing their standard office wear. WAYNE FEDERMAN comes up to greet them.)
20TH CENTURY FOX
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Agents! I'm so glad you could hang.
(He kisses MULDER on the cheek, and moves to do the same to SCULLY, but ends up with a handshake.)
WAYNE FEDERMAN: Come on, I want you to meet the people that are going to play you. Garry Shandling, Tea Leoni, this is Agents Mulder and Scully.
(GARRY SHANDLING and TEA LEONI get up from their chairs and greet MULDER and SCULLY, all shaking hands. And looking closely at each other. TEA LEONI is wearing a HUGE cross.)
MULDER: Nice to meet you.
GARRY SHANDLING: Nice to meet you.
TEA LEONI: It's a pleasure.
MULDER: Big fan. Fox Mulder.
(MULDER is shy in front of TEA LEONI. Both women notice. Very cute.)
TEA LEONI: No kidding. Huh.
(Pause. MULDER looks over at GARRY SHANDLING who jerks his eyes up from MULDER's crotch area. TEA LEONI turns to SCULLY.)
TEA LEONI: Well, you know, while I've got you here maybe, uh, maybe you could show me how to run in these things.
(She indicates the 2 inch heels she is wearing that SCULLY could easily wear in an aerobics class.)
TEA LEONI: Right over here, I was thinking 'cause, I tell you, I'm having a hell of a time with these heels. What, are they government issue or something?
(TEA LEONI walks a few steps away. SCULLY, not knowing what else to do, follows. MULDER is left with GARRY SHANDLING. While the two men talk, we see SCULLY, several feet away running her heart out back and forth in her own higher heels. TEA LEONI is barely watching her, much more interested in the conversation she is having on her cell phone. Hysterical. The scene must be watched twice - once for the guys and once for the girls.)
[TD Note: Arlene Pileggi, Gillian Anderson's stand-in and Mitch Pileggi's wife, is doing the running. She nearly tripped during filming but ended up receiving a huge round of applause. Very funny scene which I missed the first time 'round as I was too busy watching DD and Garry Shandling.]
GARRY SHANDLING: Hey, uh... Uh...
GARRY SHANDLING: How are you? Seriously, listen could I ask you something?
GARRY SHANDLING: Uh, do you dress to the left or to the right?
(Sound of SCULLY's heels as she runs past them. MULDER glances down and laughs, embarrassed.)
MULDER: What do you... What do you mean?
(GARRY SHANDLING laughs briefly, then clears his throat. He is very serious. SCULLY runs past again.)
GARRY SHANDLING: Look, when I play a character I need to find his center, his, sort of, rudder, so to say and then everything comes from that.
(MULDER thinks about it uncomfortably and looks over to where SCULLY is sprinting past TEA LEONI yet again.)
MULDER: (thinks about it) Uh... I guess mostly to the left.
(Again, GARRY SHANDLING chuckles then gets serious. A dog, looks like DD's Blue, walks around in the background.)
[TD: Check, it is Blue. Blue's mother appeared in "Ice".]
GARRY SHANDLING: "Mostly"?
MULDER: (clarifying) Most of the time.
GARRY SHANDLING: Most of the time. To the left.
GARRY SHANDLING: Wardrobe!
(GARRY SHANDLING walks away, leaving MULDER alone staring after him.)
(Later, MULDER and SCULLY watch as the scene in the graveyard is being filmed. SUGAR BEAR, the director, is with the camera crew.)
SUGAR BEAR: And rollando! Come on, now, kick it in the ass and action, zombies!
(The scene starts. ZOMBIES do their zombie thing. TEA LEONI screams as one of them bites her shoulder. Then the ZOMBIE pauses. His mouth full.)
ZOMBIE: What is this?
SUGAR BEAR: Cut! Go ahead, ruin my career.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT : What seems to be the problem, Mr. Zombie, sir?
ZOMBIE: (mouth still full) What the hell is this? What the hell's in my mouth? What's Tea Leoni's shoulder made out of?
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Uh, craft service, what is Tea Leoni's shoulder made of?
TINA THE CRAFT SERVICE GIRL: Turkey, just like you asked for.
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Turkey. Ms. Leoni's shoulder's made of turkey.
ZOMBIE: Tofurkey! I asked for tofurkey! I'm a vegetarian! Half the zombies are vegetarian! Oh, my God!
(The TOFURKEY ZOMBIE spits the meat out and runs off the set yelling: )
TOFURKEY ZOMBIE: The people are made out of turkey!
THE BEVERLY ERNESTO HOTEL
(Nice hotel. SCULLY is in a bubble bath. Camera pans up her leg to her face. Her hair is up in a clip. She is drinking a glass of red wine and is on the phone.)
MULDER: (on phone) Hello?
SCULLY: (on phone) Hey, Mulder, it's me. What are you doing?
MULDER: (on phone) I'm, uh, working at the, uh, computer. What are you doing?
SCULLY: (on phone) I'm, uh, packing. Just, you know, getting ready for our trip back to D.C. tomorrow.
MULDER: (on phone) You know, Scully, I was just thinking about Lazarus, Ed Wood, and those tofurkey-eating zombies. How come when people come back from the dead they always want to hurt the living?
(As he talks, SCULLY's portion of the screen pushes to the left. The right side of the screen now shows MULDER in an identical bubble bath. There is a bottle of beer on the side of his tub in the same place SCULLY has her wine. It looks like they are sitting in a heart shaped tub together.)
SCULLY: (on phone) Well, that's because people can't really come back from the dead, Mulder. I mean, ghosts and zombies are just projections of our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires. They are who we fear that we are at heart-- just mindless automatons who can only kill and eat.
(MULDER's right hand is not visible and the water in his tub starts moving as she talks. Hmm.)
MULDER: (on phone) Party pooper. Well, I got a new theory. I say that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage. You see, they've just come back from being dead so they're going to do all the things they miss from when they were alive. So, first, they're going to eat, then they're going to drink, then they're going to dance and make love.
SCULLY: (on phone, smiling) Oh, I see. So it's just that we never get to stay with them long enough to see the gentler side of the undead.
MULDER: (on phone) Exactly.
(MULDER's call waiting beeps.)
MULDER: (on phone) Hold on a second, that's my other line.
(He clicks the receiver.)
MULDER: (on phone) Hello?
SKINNER: (on phone, voice) Agent Mulder, it's Assistant Director Skinner. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.
MULDER: (on phone) No, sir, I'm just at the, uh, computer.
SKINNER: (on phone) Listen, I just wanted to apologize for coming down so hard on you during the Hoffman slash O'Fallon case.
MULDER: (on phone) Oh. I appreciate that, Skinman.
SKINNER: (on phone) Don't call me that.
MULDER: (on phone) Yes, sir. Um... Uh, where are you now?
SKINNER: (on phone) I'm right underneath you. I'm in L.A., at the same hotel as you. Right below you and Agent Scully.
(The screen splits again at the bottom showing SKINNER also in a bubble bath with a bottle of champagne.)
SKINNER: (on phone) Federman got me an Associate Producer credit on the movie.
MULDER: (on phone) A.P. Skinner, huh?
(MULDER chuckles, then stops when SKINNER doesn't chuckle.)
MULDER: (on phone) Uh... So what are you up to right now, sir?
SKINNER: (on phone, taking a sip of champagne) I'm taking a bubble bath.
MULDER: (on phone) Uh, hold on just one second, sir.
(MULDER clicks over on the receiver.)
MULDER: (on phone, grinning with delight) Hey, Scully, Skinman is calling me from a bubble bath.
SKINNER: (on phone) It's still me, Mulder.
(Indeed, SCULLY takes a sip of her wine, not hearing anything. MULDER is embarrassed.)
MULDER: (on phone) Uh, sir, well, hold on one second, sir.
(He clicks the receiver again.)
MULDER: (on phone) Scully?
SCULLY: (on phone) Yeah.
MULDER: (on phone) Yeah, Skinner is calling me from a bubble bath.
SCULLY: (on phone) Wow, he's really gone Hollywood.
MULDER: (on phone) Totally.
SCULLY: (on phone) You know, Mulder, speaking of Hollywood, I think that Tea Leoni has a little crush on you.
MULDER: (on phone) Oh, yeah, right. Like Tea Leoni's ever going to have a crush on me.
SCULLY: (on phone)