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(Red is sitting at the table reading the paper and drinking coffee. Kitty walks in)
Red: Well how are you this morning ?
Kitty: Well, my baby boy is still engaged, my hot flashes are back so I feel like I am standing in a pool of burning lava. They don’t make a pill for menopause so I took a Flintstone vitamin. And when you take a pill shaped like Barney Rubble it’s pretty obvious the frickin’ thing ain’t gonna work.
Red: Great. Anyway about the engagement, I’ve got Eric and Donna on the ropes. I dared them to get married next week. They were shaking like France.
Kitty: Well I know you like scaring children but what’s the point ?
Red: Well the point is if we let them do what they want, they’ll realize they don’t want to do it. I mean hell nobody wants to be married. (Kitty gives him a look) Except me to you, I’d do that all over again.
(Jackie walks in through the back door)
Jackie: Is Steven here ? He saw me on the couch with Michael but there was nothing going on. God what do I do If he doesn’t believe me Mr. Forman?
(Jackie hugs him. Then he looks shocked)
Red: When the hell did this start? The kids all used to run from me, that’s the way I liked it!
(Jackie moans and walks out)
Kitty: Well next fall you’ll get your wish. Eric will be in college and then the whole house will (voice cracks) be empty.
Red: That’s right! We’re only one goodbye away from heaven.
[Laurie walks into the kitchen with a suitcase]
Laurie: Mommy, daddy, I’m home!
Red: We gotta start locking that door!
[Kelso is walking up to take a room service tray away. When he starts to push it, he stops looks around and then grabs a piece of chicken and starts eating it. While he is eating Hyde walks out of a room. The nurse walks out after him they kiss and he leaves. Kelso sees all of this.]
Kelso: No way!
[He walks off, then comes back and grabs the chicken.]
[Kelso peaks in says Donna’s name. He then walks in and looks around, in her closet, then sits down on her bed. Donna is at her desk.]
Kelso: Okay, if you had bad news that could hurt someone you cared about, what would you do?
Donna: Kelso, just leave the poor girl an anonymous note and tell her she needs a shot of penicillin.
Kelso: Donna! Listen okay. Someone I know cheated on someone else I know
Donna: Did Eric cheat on me? I will snap that little monkey like a twig.
Kelso: No Donna. Eric didn’t cheat on you. (whispers) Hyde cheated on Jackie!
Donna: What? Oh my god!
(Kelso makes a noise I can’t describe)
Kelso: He doesn’t know it but I saw him kissing this lady at the hotel.
Donna: Oh my god that is horrible.
Kelso: I wanna do the right thing, right? So I’m thinking that I’ll just tell Jackie and then she’ll feel really bad, then I’ll console her and presto, were making out topless!
Donna: No Kelso! The thing to do is to tell Hyde that you know and then give him a chance to tell Jackie.
Kelso: I knew you’d say that. Ya know for once I want the right thing and the topless thing to be the same thing.
[Donna and Eric are sitting at the kitchen table. Red and Kitty walk in]
Red: Well if it isn’t the love birds? So love birds, how are the big wedding plans coming along?
Eric: Well, I’ve decided to be the groom, and ah Donna’s gonna go with bride.
Red: Well your mom and I have made some plans too. We figure since we’re already giving you a graduation party. Why not make it a wedding party too?
Donna: Wait, Graduation? That’s in like a week. Which is like-
Eric: 7 day-
Donna: I know how long a week is!
Eric: I know I know.
Red: Well what’s a matter? You two love birds still wanna get married, don’t ya? I mean heck it would be a real shame if you chickened out. Then you’d be a couple of…love chicken!
(Red and Kitty laugh at this)
Eric: No, no we wanna get married. Right Donna?
Donna: Of course. I do!
Kitty: Well then it’s settled. We’re having a wedding! Oh Donna you could wear my wedding dress! It’s off white do no body will whisper.
(Red and Kitty leave)
Eric: What is going on with them anyway?
Laurie: Eric, If you need any help dealing with mom and dad I’m here for you.
Eric: Yeah, no thanks! Last time I trusted you I wound up in the dryer with a pillowcase full of bees so…
Laurie: I know, and I am so sorry. I have been cruel to you Eric. You too Donna but it wasn’t as obvious because I mostly said stuff behind your back.
Donna: Right back atch ya!
Laurie: I’m not just home for a visit. I am here to correct the mistakes that I have made in the past.
Eric: I’m sure whatever bastard children you’ve had have been adopted by now.
[Cut to DMV. Fez is at the desk and then Mitch (Seth Green YAY) walks up]
Mitch: Hey Fez I’m here to get my license.
Fez: (disdainfully) Hello Mitch, I am here to tell you that you will get NOTHING!
Mitch: Okay, I know we had our problems in wood shop but for the hundredth time. I’m sorry I sat on your spice rack.
Fez: You’re sorry? You should see me kitchen! There spices everywhere, its anarchy.
Mitch: Dude, you’re getting hysterical like a woman.
Fez: Well if you mean that I am artistic and sensitive and cry everything I watch “Love Story” then yes I am like a women. Now be gone!
Mitch: You know I could make it worth your wild if you just give me the license. I’m the editor of the school paper, can you imagine this heading? ‘Foreign kid actually cool.’ Of course I’d have to retract it the next day because, well c’mon.
(Fez rips up his application)
Fez: Here’s a headline for ya. Short kid takes long walk!
(Fez grabs the ‘Next Window Please’ sign and sinks down under the desk.)
[Cut to basement, Hyde is sitting in his chair watching TV. Kelso walk in.]
Kelso: Well hello Hyde. Saw something very interesting in the hotel this morning!
Hyde: Oh the guy in the dress? That’s Frank, comes in twice a month, gets really pissed if you don’t call him lady Laguna.
Kelso: No. I saw you kissing a girl that wasn’t Jackie.
Hyde: Oh that.
Kelso: So you admit it
Kelso: Don’t try to deny it
Hyde: I won’t
Kelso: You’re not gonna wiggle your way out of this one.
Hyde: I’m not trying to. Look, I cheated on Jackie, because she cheated on me with you. Which reminds me I outta kick your ass!
Kelso: Hyde, we weren’t doing anything, I already told you Jackie was comforting me cuz I was upset cuz Fez had a sex dream about me.
Hyde: Would you shut up about that lame ass story?
Kelso: Well it’s the truth and I’ll prove it. Let’s go ask Fez.
Kelso: You drive my van is in the shop.
Hyde: Fine I need gas though!
Kelso: Fine can I borrow money for fries?
Kelso: Fine! Shotgun!
Hyde: There’s only two of us ya moron!
(They both walk out.)
(Donna is sitting in a chair and Eric is sitting on the back of the couch.
Eric: Ya know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married in a week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but ya know what? That ain’t happening Missy. Ya know what we’re gonna do? We’re gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!
Donna: Wow! It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite! Ya know what I think that maybe you’re not ready to get married. And if you’re not you better tell me right now.
Eric: Donna, I’m not ready.
Donna: Oh thank god, me neither!
Eric: What? I thought you were ready!
Donna: I thought you were
Eric: I’m not!
Donna: Me neither.
Eric: Oh my God you are so hot!
Donna: You are!
(They start kissing on the couch)
(Eric and Donna are in a booth)
Eric: Wow, nothing hits the spot after an hour and a half of passion like chilly cheese fries.
(Fez is in the hub when Mitch walks up to him)
Fez: Oh, hello Mitch! Have a nice walk over here? Get used to it because you will never get a license, do you understand me?
Mitch: No, but nobody understands you. You talk like Mushmouth from Fat Albert.
Fez: You just dug your own grave fellow!
Mitch: I what, I flug my own rave Bella? Was that what you said Mushmouth?
(Kelso storms in with Hyde behind him)
Kelso: Fez I need you to tell Hyde that dream you had about me?
(Mitch looks at Kelso intrigued)
Fez: What? I didn’t have any dream! (whispers) We have a visitor!
Kelso: Fez this is really important, okay. So start talking or so help me I’ll give you the worst purple nurple you’ve ever had.
Fez: Okay. In my dream Kelso was dressed as a nurse and he was giving me a sponge bath.
(Mitch looks like he struck gold, Kelso looks back at Hyde who looks neutral)
Fez: I was nude…
(Mitch looks very interested and realization sinks into Hyde’s face)
Kelso: See? I was really freaked out and Jackie and me were just talking and that’s all.
Hyde: So I just cheated on Jackie for nothing?
Kelso: That’s what I’ve been telling you man.
(Kelso walks out and Jackie walks in)
Jackie: Oh Steven look okay! Whatever you think happened between Michael and me did not happen, okay? So everything’s fine.
(Hyde looks sad and glum)
Hyde: Actually we need to talk.
(He grabs her by the hand and they walk out)
[Cut to Mitch and Fez]
Mitch: Ya know I really hate to run, but I gotta tell the whole school about you and little Ms. Dingaling’s sponge bath so I gotta go!
Fez: You wouldn’t!
Mitch: Blah blah bloudn’t, huh? Move your lips Mushmouth!
(Jackie is sitting in the passenger’s side talking to Hyde who looks really morose in the driver’s side.)
Jackie: So I was in the den and Michael came over all upset-
Hyde: (quietly) Jackie-
Jackie: and Steven I asked him to leave-
Hyde: (louder but still quiet) Jackie-
Jackie: and that’s when you saw us, but I swear nothing happened!
Hyde: (more persistent and louder) Jackie, stop talking! Look I know all this know okay. But before I knew I was at the hotel last night, and I was really mad, there was this nurse…and-
Jackie: And what?
(She is giving him a mean look and he looks really sorry)
Hyde: And I’m really sorry okay. I promise it’ll never happen again.
Jackie: That’s exactly what Michael used to say!
Hyde: C’mon Jackie-
Jackie: No, ya know what Steven, I’m sorry. It’s over.
(She gets out of the car and walks away. Hyde sits there with a numb look on his face and turns the radio on. It’s a country music station.)
Hyde: Huh, finally get country music.
(Stays in his car, frozen.)
(Kitty is getting out a small white wedding dress from a box. Red, Laurie , Eric, Donna, and Bob are also there.)
Kitty: Donna look, it’s my old wedding dress. Oh and you can wear it.
(She put it up to Donna’s neck and its too small and short for her)
Kitty: As a bib.
Red: Won’t be long now until you two love birds are married forever, no escape. Until one of you is dead.
(Bob, Red and Kitty leave.)
Laurie: So you guys, I’ve been trying to think of ways to help you.
Eric: Okay, where’s Laurie!!!
Donna: Yeah, what happened to you?
Laurie: You guys living in Chicago opened my eyes. I had no job no friends. I did sleep with one of the White Sox but then it turned out to be just his frat guy in a White Sox hat. Basically I hit rock bottom.
Eric: Really, god I was so sure you’d be a Senator.
Laurie: Eric, love is hard to find and I realize that I’ve been taking the people that love me for granted, especially you.
Eric: Oh that’s not true, I don’t love you.
Laurie: Yes you do!
(She gives him a hug)
Laurie: If you two love each other and Red is making you miserable, than there’s only one answer. Get out, leave town because love is precious.
Eric: Well it sounds good, but I can’t help but remember the feel of being stung by bees as I tumbled around and around.
Donna: Wait, is that a tear? Oh my God Eric I think she’s being sincere.
(Eric wipes it off her face a tastes it)
Eric: Oh my God, it’s real! I have a sister.
(He hugs her)
(Kelso and Fez are hanging out, Mitch and Eric walk in)
Eric: Hey look who I found, at first I just thought he was a leprechaun.
Mitch: Fez, I came over here because I wanna end this feud okay? Right here, right now. If your not on board I mean I could spread your crazy naked homoerotic dream all over school, but.
Fez: Macho as I am, who would believe you?
Kelso: Okay Fez, ah can I just say as the nurse that was sponging you in your dream that I’m with Mitch here on the not spreading it around the school thing.
Mitch: See your lady friend here understands, truce?
Fez: Well, I guess ah truce.
(Fez go to shake hands with Mitch when Mitch hands him something.)
Mitch: Good here, peace offering…MORON!
(Mitch leaves and Fez looks at what he gave him)
Fez: Ah this is tomorrow’s school paper…oh my God and the front page there’s a picture with me kissing Kelso by the lake.
Eric: Fez why are you kissing Kelso by the lake?
Fez: We caught a fish! I was excited, I kissed the fish too but of course they don’t show you that!
Donna: Psst…Jackie Jackie…it’s Hyde!
Jackie: No (Donna shakes her head) Okay fine. (She gets up takes the phone and hangs it up.)
Donna: Can I say something? I think this whole thing was a misunderstanding. Hyde didn’t know what was going on.
Jackie: I know, okay? But after Michael I promised myself that I would never be with another boy who cheated on me.
Donna: But Hyde’s so good for you. Since you started dating him you’ve completely stopped quoting Nancy Drew.
Jackie: And the worst part is I still love him.
(Jackie puts her head on Donna’s shoulder and starts crying she pulls back)
Jackie: Ya know normally I wouldn’t cry on your sweater, because ya know it ruins the fabric. But God this one’s just so cheap it won’t matter.
(She puts her head back on Donna’s shoulder.)
(Kelso and Hyde are sitting on the couch and Kelso is looking over at Hyde with a big grin on his face.)
Kelso: Nothing, it’s just ya know Jackie’s single now.
Hyde: Yeah, so?
Kelso: So, when you were going out with her I backed off.
Hyde: You backed off? You constantly hit on her, ya bought her presents all the time, and ya shot me with a bee bee gun.
Kelso: Yeah that’s me backing off. Look Hyde I know ya thought I only wanted her because you had her, but see the thing is now you don’t have her, and I still want her. So as your friend I’m just letting you know that I’m going after her. And also I’ll be making out with her in front of you, just to rub it in, so be ready for that.
Kelso: Yeah that’s what I’m countin’ on, while I’m out there getting Jackie back you’re just gonna sit around here saying whatever…are you listening to country music, man?
(Red and Kitty are sitting at the table, Donna and Eric are in front of them and Laurie is in the background)
Eric: Look mom dad uh Donna and I have something we wanna say um it turns out we’re not ready to get married.
Red: No? And I was really routing for you two crazy kids.
Eric: Look we know you’ve been pressuring into marriage so we’d admit you were right and live on your terms, but that’s just not gonna happen. So, we’ve decided to move away as soon as we graduate.
Kitty: Move away? No,no,no you can’t move away yet. No we were gonna use this summer to become best friends.
Eric: Look we’re going to college in the fall anyway, so instead of fighting with you guys for the next three months were just gonna get our own place in Madison.
Donna: Yeah! Good luck trying to control us in Madison! (Donna ducks behind Eric.)
Eric: Okay, Donna remember we agreed not to do that? (She shakes her head but stays behind him.) Anyway we’re gonna have our own apartment and honestly I just think we’re all be a lot happier.
Donna: (Still behind Eric) Madison has two movie theaters. (She ducks behind him again.)
Eric: (Turns around and grabs her shoulders and starts to lead her out of the room.) Okay Donna, yeah.
(They leave and Kitty looks at Red)
Kitty: Oh great plan Red! Now my baby’s leaving.
Laurie: I’m still here mommy!
Kitty: Yeah, well that’s nice.
(Jackie is sitting on her cot reading a magazine and Hyde walks in and says hey, Jackie doesn’t look happy to see him. He closes the door sits down on Donna’s bed and takes off his sunglasses.)
Hyde: (He is looking at the floor she is looking at her magazine.) The thing is I’m really sorry.
Jackie: Yeah you said that already.
Hyde: C’mon Jackie, I made a mistake, okay? It was a stupid one time thing.
Jackie: Ya know what Steven? I’ve heard it all before, from you from Michael. God just do me a favor and leave me alone.
Hyde: (Frustrated) Whatever. (He stands up and looks at the floor.)
Hyde: Jackie (a beat) I love you. (She looks up shocked but then her face gets hard.)
Jackie: Yeah, well I don’t love you.
(She leaves and he sulks onto Donna’s bed…L)
[DMV Fez is setting things into Mitch’s hands.]
Fez: Here’s your car license, motor cycle license, boat license, license to operate a fork lift, a cut the line pass, and a free DMV pen, if you turn it over the little car parallel parks.
Mitch: Oh, here are the negatives of you and Kelso grabbing each other’s asses.
Fez: Hey we were happy because we caught a fish. If they can do it in football why can’t they do it in fishing?
Mitch: Blabbebbeooblahblahbishing, what? Where are you from man?
(Mitch leaves and Fez puts up his Next window please sign.)
End Of Show