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Eric Forman’s House – Point Place Wisconsin 12:43 A.M.
Red & Kitty Forman’s Bedroom
[Red and Kitty]
[Red jolts awake at a noise]
Red : What the hell?
Kitty : It’s the A-bomb. Duck and cover.
Red : I bet Eric’s tryin’ to sneak out.
Kitty : Red. Red. Wait. Wait. What if it’s a burglar?
Red : What’s a burglar gonna steal from us?
Kitty : My Shirley Temple figurines. [She gets up] Oh I know I shouldn’t have told Liz Anderson about them. Her nephew’s been in jail you know.
Shatze : Whimper
Red : Oh, look at this. Some guard dog. You know we could be trampled by Mongolians. This thing wouldn’t even wag its tail.
[Red and Kitty meet Eric in the hall]
Eric : I-I-I-I heard a scary noise.
Red : Good God. Are you nude?
Eric : No. I’m wearing my toga.
Kitty : Hooh, there it is again.
Eric : That’s it, I’m getting’ my bat.
Red : Alright, just calm down. It’s probably just Steven tryin’ to sneak out.
Kitty : What if it’s not Steven? What if the burglar has Steven?
Red : Well then we’ll try to talk him into taking Eric too.
[Eric returns with a plastic bat]
Eric : ‘Kay, let’s do this.
Red : Look at him. Bare assed and holdin’ a plastic bat. That’s your son Kitty.
The Forman Basement
[Red, Kitty and Eric]
Kitty : What kind of burglar robs people on a week night? Doesn’t he have a job to go to in the morning ?
[They go into Hyde’s room and find Steven and Jackie in bed together]
Kitty : Jackie ?
Red : What the hell ?
Jackie : Oh my God !
Kitty : Oh my God !
Hyde : Forman, are you naked ?
The Forman Kitchen
[Red, Kitty, Eric, Jackie and Hyde]
Red : Who the hell do you think you are ? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.
Kitty : And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.
Hyde : Told you to look where you were goin’.
Jackie : Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
Eric : You knocked over my space command center ? I spent three hours building that.
Red : Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?
Hyde : Jackie’s been sleeping her the last couple of weeks.
Kitty : Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy mansion you know.
Hyde : Look; nothing was going on.
Eric : Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!
Red : Would you please go put some pants on ? This is where I eat.
Hyde : Jackie’s only been staying here ‘cause her Dad’s in jail and her Mom’s still not back yet.
Jackie : Steven ! Look, that’s private.
Kitty : Your Mom’s not back yet ? You told me she came home.
Jackie : Look; can we not talk about this ? I’m fine. Okay ? Everything is fine ?
Kitty : But if you need a place …
Jackie : No no no I don’t need anything. Look I’m only here ‘cause … I am such a tramp. So I should just go home and try to control my dirty urges.
Hyde : Jackie, you’re not goin’ home. There’s nobody there.
Red : Alright, look Jackie; Tonight you can sleep in Laurie’s room. And then tomorrow, we’ll track down your floozy mother.
Kitty : Honey ? Do you have any idea where she might be ?
Jackie : Well the last post card I got had a picture of some guy with a bone through his nose. What is that, like, Tennessee ?
Eric Forman’s Basement
[Donna, Eric, Fez, Hyde and Kelso]
Hyde : Hey Donna ? This just in: Your weirdo boyfriend sleeps in the nude.
Donna : Yeah ? So ? I do too.
Kelso : Oh yeah !
Fez : Oh I can see it now. And it is glorious. Excuse me.
[Fez runs out the door. Jackie comes down the stairs]
Donna : Jackie, I can’t believe your parents are gone. I’m so sorry.
Jackie : Okay, everybody needs to stop worrying about me. I’m fine. I mean how can I not be ? Mrs. Forman did my hair. And made me smiley face pancakes. Eric, this house is like a shabby hotel with really great service.
Eric : Oh hey, while you’re visiting; here’s my Lego set and a picture of the space command center. Okay ? Get building. And I swear to God if my three man escape pod doesn’t fit the star bay, heads are gonna role.
Kelso : I have a question. If Hyde was in Hyde’s bed, and Jackie was in Hyde’s bed, what exactly was going on in said bed.
Hyde : Nothing. She needed a place to sleep.
Kelso : Needed a place to sleep ! Well a bed is an interesting choice now wouldn’t you say ?
Jackie : Oh shut up Michael. It’s not like we were doing it.
Kelso : Oh come on Jackie. You can’t sleep in the same bed with someone and not be doin’ it. I’ve fallen asleep not doin’ it woken up doin’ it.
Eric : And that’s why they won’t put him to sleep at the dentist.
The Forman’s Back Porch
[Eric, Fez and Kelso]
Fez : Guys, I don’t know what’s goin’ on with Nina. I keep askin’ to meet her parents but she keeps makin’ excuses.
Kelso : It’s probably the same reason I won’t let you meet my parents. She’s afraid you’re gonna say somethin’ weird and embarrass her.
Fez : Oh please. I’m a hot looking, smooth talking frisky ass son of a bitch.
Eric : ‘Kay Fez, right there. That’s like, that’s like a really weird thing to say.
Kelso : Yeah, I mean we’re used to you, but dude, you’re weird. I mean and for Nina to let you meet her parents, I don’t …
Eric : I think what Kelso’s tryin’ to say is that … maybe you don’t make the best first impression. Like, remember the first time you met my parents ?
[Flashback to the Forman Kitchen: Eric, Fez, Kitty and Red]
Eric : Mom. Dad. This is Fez.
Kitty : Well hello there.
[Kitty holds out her hand; Fez grabs Kitty and kisses her]
Kelso : He did what?
Eric : Yeah, and then it actually got even more disturbing.
[Flashback resumes: Fez tries to kiss Red]
Red : Get this creepy bastard off me.
Kelso : Man I never heard that story ! Wait, so how was Forman’s Mom ?
Fez : Well at first she was giving me nothing, but by the end giving me something.
Kelso : Yeah! She’s spunky ! Man, I’d kiss your Mom.
Eric : Oh my God.
The Forman Kitchen
[Bob, Donna, Eric, Hyde, Kitty and Red]
Kitty : How could Jackie’s mother abandon her only child. I have half a mind to take this public. Hoh, we could go on Donahue!
Bob : No, go on Carson. He’s funnier. One time the animal guy was on and his parrot duked right on Johnny’s head. Heh heh heh.
Donna : Dad, I think you’re missing the point. We need to find Jackie some place to stay, you know; where she won’t be all alone.
Hyde : I can get her a room at the hotel I work at.
Kitty : No, Jackie is not staying in a hotel. We have an empty room right here.
Red : Kitty, every time we have an empty room, you wanna fill it up with a stray child. You’re like … the old lady who lived in a shoe.
Kitty : Did you just call me old ?
Eric : Okay, okay. Here’s what I think.
Red : Oh, hey everybody; Mr. Nude has an opinion. I’m sure we’re all interested in what Mr. Nude has to say. Floor’s all yours … Mr. Nude.
Eric : Never mind.
Red : Well … I guess he was just thinkin’ about bein’ nude.
Donna : What is wrong with you people ? There is nothing funny about a teenage girl whose mother abandoned her. You know we’re all Jackie’s got. We can’t just turn our backs on her.
Bob : Donna, you’re right. You tell Jackie she can stay with us.
Donna : What ? No. No, she can’t stay with us.
Bob : Sure, she can stay in your room with you.
[Donna looks around to see everyone smiling at her]
Donna : Oh, you’re all gonna pay for this !
Eric Forman’s Basement – The Circle
[Donna, Eric, Fez and Kelso]
Donna : I can’t believe my Dad’s making me ask Jackie to move in with us. This is gonna be a nightmare. Donna, where’s your spirit ? Donna, you’re still hungry ? Donna, your lumber jack head is blocking out the sun. You know, I’m not too big; alright, she is too small.
Eric : Umm, just for the record, I don’t sleep nude for any disgusting reason. I’m just a hot sleeper. Okay, I’m umm, I’m not a hot sleeper. I’m seventeen years old, okay, I sleep right next door to the girl I love. Uh, things occur to me. Okay ? If I’m already nude, yeah, it just saves time.
Fez : Guys, Nina agreed to let me meet her parents. And to seem completely normal, I’ve come up with the perfect opening line for Nina’s mother. Ahem. Hello Mrs. Bartell. I can see where Nina gets her lovely ass.
Kelso : You’re so weird man. You know what ? There’s a way around that. I’m gonna make you so beautiful that Nina’s parents don’t notice how freakin’ weird you are. Yeah, bein’ beautiful is how I get away with stuff. ‘Cept my problem is I’ve gotta tone it down cause otherwise the chick’s Mom gets interested and then we’ve got a big problem. Now lets make you man pretty.
[Psuedo Movie: You Can Be Man-Pretty]
[Fez and Kelso in a bathroom]
[Kelso washes Fez’s hair and checks for lice]
[Kelso combs while Fez hold the blow dryer; Fez’s hair poofs up]
[Michael and Fez fight for mirror space; Kelso grabs the hot end of the blow dryer and burns his hand]
[Kelso sends Fez out in blazer and slacks with a Kick Me sign on his back]
The Forman Kitchen
[Bob, Donna, Eric, Hyde, Kelso, Kitty and Red]
Donna : Okay, I’ve been thinkin’ about what to do with Jackie. And I think we’re overlooking the mobile home option. ‘Kay? You could park it right in the driveway and we’ll all know she’s safe in her own little steel box.
Eric : Donna, what, you have to let her stay with you. C’mon, she’s your best friend.
Donna : She’s not my best friend.
Eric : Well, then who’s your best friend ?
[Donna thinks hard]
Donna : Oh crap, when the hell’d that happen ?
Red : Oh look, Mr. Nude is helping.
Bob : Mr. Nude huh ? That was my nickname in college.
Donna : Dad, you didn’t go to college.
Bob : Didn’t stop me from gettin’ a nickname.
Hyde : Unh huh, so are you all gonna be here for this ? ‘Cause I don’t think Jackie’s gonna be cool with that.
Kitty : Well Steven, everybody needs support. Like this one time I left the supermarket in a really bad mood. And then I met these very nice people; the Hare Krishnas. They sang me a song. They gave me some rice. It was just the little pick up I needed. You know if I hadn’t had to make dinner, I mighta gotten into their van.
Kelso : Yeah, those freaks were hasslin’ me once too. So when they weren’t lookin’, I stole five boxes of thin mints.
Eric : Kelso, those were Girl Scouts.
Kelso : Whatever man, they were pushy.
Kitty : Here comes Jackie.
Hyde : Well I think this is a big mistake. So when this blows up in your face, don’t come lookin’ for me. I’ll be bustin’ up Forman’s space station again.
[Hyde leaves; Jackie enters]
Kitty : Jackie. Jackie, Donna has something she wants to ask you. Donna.
Donna : Ahem, So Jackie, we were all thinking that you might come stay with me for a while, since you’re having such a hard time right now.
Jackie : God, I am so sick of this. I don’t have hard times. I’m Jackie Burkhart. I got voted head cheerleader by the largest margin in cheerleader history. ‘Kay ? I have a wonderful life.
Donna : Yeah, but Jackie your Dad’s in prison and your Mom …
Jackie : Well you know, I’m sorry Donna, but you just not popular enough for me to live with.
Donna : Unh, I’m not popular enough? I was doing you a favor because I felt bad for you.
Jackie : Well don’t, okay. I don’t need to be your good deed for the day.
Donna : Fine. There’s the door. Don’t let it hit your popular little butt on the way out.
Jackie : Fine.
Kelso : Well that was pretty hot.
Nina’s Parents Dining Room
[Fez, Nina and Mr. and Mrs. Bartell]
Fez : And that is how you make a canoe out of banana skins.
[The parents applaud]
Fez : They love me. See, there’s nothing to worry about.
Nina : Great ! Then we should get going.
Mrs. Bartell : Oh, oh don’t go. It’s such a pleasure having someone so exotic in our home. We’re so happy that Nina has made a friend of you Fez.
Fez : Oh well maybe it’s because I’m so handsome and not at all creepy. And by the way, I see where Nina gets her lovely ass. [They all laugh] Hey I was talkin’ to you Mr. Bartell. [They all laugh]
Mr. Bartell : Honey, you are really broadening your horizons. Having a friend like this is gonna look great on your college application.
Mrs. Bartell : Yes, we always enjoy meeting Nina’s friends.
Fez : Oh, you keep calling me her friend. Don’t you mean her boyfriend?
Mrs. Bartell : Boyfriend ?
[Mr. and Mrs. Bartell suddenly think Fez is joking and laugh]
Fez : What’s so funny ?
Mr. Bartell : Well you can’t be her boyfriend
Fez : Why not ?
Mr. Bartell : Because you’re … what’s the word honey ?
Mrs. Bartell : Different ?
Mr. Bartell : Okay, different.
Fez : Oooh, I see. You mean not white.
Nina : Fez, no.
Fez : I think I’ll be leaving now. Good day.
Nina : Fez, wait !
Fez : I said good day. And by the way, I hope you do not have a good day.
The Pinciotti Kitchen
[Donna and Hyde]
Donna : And then when I asked her to live with me, she said I’m not freakin’ popular ! Am I not on the radio all the time as Hot Donna ? ‘Kay. There are Hot Donna posters all over town objectifying me. Is Jackie being objectified ? No !
Hyde : She only said that ‘cause you embarrassed her in a room full of people. You know it was like a damned telethon in there. The only thing missing was Jerry Lewis.
Donna : So what, it’s my fault because I didn’t ask her right?
Hyde : Okay, how ‘bout when your Mom left? Think about how you would’ve felt if you walked into a room full of people and everyone’s talkin’ about how sad your life is and how much they pity you.
Donna : Yeah, I guess I get that.
Hyde : I’m just sayin’ that Jackie needs a place to stay. And it’d be really cool if maybe you could ask her in a way that doesn’t make her feel bad.
Donna : Mmnh ! Fine. But she didn’t have to call me unpopular. ‘Kay ? Unpopular girls don’t get free Slurpee’s from Tommy at the Seven-Eleven.
Hyde : Donna, two years ago, Tommy tried to jump a school bus on his moped. He didn’t make it. And now he gives everyone free Slurpees.
The Forman Kitchen
[Donna and Jackie]
Donna : So you see Jackie, the reason I asked you to stay with me before is because … well you were right. I am unpopular.
Jackie : Go on.
Donna : I’m umm, too tall. And, and, red hair is gross. And, well, if I don’t do something soon, my unpopularity is gonna follow me to college. Unless you help. Please come stay with me! Jackie … help me be more like you.
Jackie : Well, as long as everybody knows I’m doing it for you, I’ll do it.
Donna : Great.
Jackie : Hey Donna. Thank you. [They hug]
Donna : You’re welcome.
Jackie : Okay, first things first. If you wanna be more popular, you’re gonna have to break up with Eric. [Donna turns to leave] What? [Jackie follows her out]
Eric Forman’s Basement
[Fez and Kelso]
Fez : You know, I have been called many names since comin’ to this country, but I have never been treated like that before.
Kelso : You know Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are gonna judge you on the color of your skin or your funny accent or that girly little way you run. But you know what? You’re not alone. Why do you think the Martians won’t land here? ‘Cause they’re green and they know people are gonna make fun of ‘em.
Fez : You said it brother! I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn’t exist.
Kelso : Well that’s Canada. Yup, good ole Canada. They don’t make generalizations about people ‘cause they’re too busy playin’ hockey or gettin’ drunk and puttin’ maple syrup on their ham.
Nina : Fez, we need to talk.
Kelso : Hey ! He might not be from this country, but he’s beautiful damn it !
Fez : Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it and there’s nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
Nina : Fez, my parents are jerks and I wanna get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Fez : Except that. Thanks Kelso.
[Fez and Nina leave]
The Hallway Outside Eric’s Bedroom
[Red is banging a metal spoon on a metal pot]
Red : Fire ! Fire !
[Eric comes out, wrapped in a sheet]
Eric : What are you doing?
Red : Well look at this. Mr. Nude is still nude.
Eric : You’re nuts.
Red : Wow ! Strong words from Mr. Nude.
[Eric goes back in his room]
Red : We’re doin’ this every night until you put on some bottoms.
[He resumes banging the pot]
Red : Fire! Fire!