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The Forman Back Porch


[Donna, Eric, Fez, Hyde, Jackie and Kelso]


Kelso : And then I realized that’s why they call it a clock radio. ‘Cause it’s got both.


[Bob and Joanne walk up]


Bob : Hey Donna, feast your eyes. All new stuff for me and Joanne’s weekend away at tennis camp.

Joanne : Billy Jean King’s sister is leading the campfire songs.

Bob : We’re gonna make quite the raquet.

Fez : Good one Bob.


[Bob and Joanne leave]

 

Kelso : Bob’s goin’ out of town for the weekend. Alright! Party at Donna’s! Okay, we’re gonna need beer, balloons and girls with low self esteem.

Eric : Guys, hang on. Donna and I already made plans this weekend.

Hyde : Well then just leave us a key man. And don’t worry. If anything bad happens, I know how to make it look like a robbery-homicide.

Donna : Look, Eric and I want one weekend alone where we don’t have to be so secret about being engaged. I could even wear my ring if it weren’t being resized for me.

Jackie : Can they make a ring big enough to fit your Paul Bunyan hands?

Donna : Jackie!

Jackie : Well I’m sorry Donna, but if you’re not gonna have a party, you’re gonna get insulted. That’s just the way it is.

Hyde : The way I see it, unless Donna’s blockin’ the door with her giant hands … we’re comin’ over for a party.

Kelso : Oh ho, we should get one of those girls that jump out of cakes. Yeah, they’re great. You know you two could do a little less standin’ around and a little more jumpin’ outta cakes.


The Forman Kitchen


[Eric and Kitty as Red enters]

 

Red : Morning.

Eric : Hey Dad, I was thinkin’ of spending tonight and tomorrow over at Fez’s.

Red : At whosis?

Kitty : The foreign boy with the tight pants; wears a little too much cologne.

Red : I don’t like him. I caught him stealin’ bacon out of our fridge. Why are you doing your homework in the morning?

Eric : Uh, I was out last night with Donna.

Red : Well of course you were. That’s why you came in a half hour past the curfew.

Eric : Oh well, Donna had a flat.

Red : Oh. That’s awful bad luck. Seein’ how Donna doesn’t have a car. I see you getting bigger, but you still act like a twelve year old. Now when are you gonna grow up and start thinkin’ about your future?

Kitty : Red, don’t get upset so early. You won’t enjoy your sausage and Tang.

Eric : Sausage and Tang? Isn’t that a little racy for breakfast.

Kitty : I don’t get it.

Red : Well I’m gonna leave … before someone explains it.


[Red leaves as Hyde enters]


Hyde : Mornin’.

Kitty : Steven, y’gotta a big tear in that jacket.

Hyde : Yeah. It’s hard hoppin’ over a fence carryin’ two twelve packs … I mean library books.

Kitty : Well, I’m gonna ignore that ‘cause you don’t even have parents to buy you a new coat. He doesn’t have parents Eric.

Eric : He told me that sometimes when he’s all alone, he cries.

Kitty : Oh that settles it. I’m takin’ you shopping for a new coat. Here, here. Take some Tang and go.

Hyde : Man if I had a dollar for every time I heard a chick say that …

Kitty : What? What? Never turn down Tang. Growing boys need Tang.


[Eric and Steven leave]


Kitty : What is funny here?!


The Pinciotti Living Room


[Bob, Donna and Joanne]


Bob : Oh, the plumber took apart the toilet upstairs, so you’ll have to use this one. I know it’s scary down here at night, but …

Joanne : She’ll be fine. Let’s go.

Bob : Just when you come around that corner in the dark the coat rack can look like a bear.


[Bob and Joanne leave; Eric pops up from behind the bar]


Eric : Finally … we’re alone.

Donna : For the whole weekend.


[Fez, Hyde, Jackie and Kelso arrive]


Kelso : Alright! Party time! I brought the Slip ‘n’ Slide. Let’s move the couch.

Fez : Okay, I’ll get the hose.

Kelso : No no no, we don’t need the hose man. We’ll just use beer.

Donna : Kelso. Are you nuts?

Kelso : You’re right. We don’t wanna waste the beer. Go get the hose man.

Eric : No. Guys, we said no party.

Hyde : Aw c’mon Forman. Look man, you gotta help me out here. Jackie and I are goin’ through a really rough time and maybe … just maybe we can start to heal if you can find it in your heart to let me trash your girlfriend’s house.

Eric : Don’t care.

Kelso : But it’s party time man. I invited a girl in a halter top who was on her fifth beer. Fifth beer halter top!

Eric : Forget it Kelso.

Kelso : No but do you know what a Slip ‘n’ Slide can do to a halter top? It turns it into a belt.

 

The Forman Kitchen


[Kitty gets call from Fenton the jeweler]


Kitty : Hello.

Fenton : Hello, is a … Mr. Forman there?

Kitty : No I’m sorry you just missed him. Can I take a message?

Fenton : Yes, this is Fenton from All That Glitters. Mr. Forman bought a ring here and I’m calling to tell him it’s ready. And ah oh, it looks fabulous.

Kitty : He bought me a ring?

Fenton : Oh ah, I-I hope it wasn’t a surprise. Perhaps you shouldn’t know that I called. Umm. Could you let Mr. Forman know that I called? I mean, umm, you shouldn’t know that he bought you … oh … Now I’ve made a messy.


[They both hang up]


The Pinciotti Kitchen


[Donna and Eric]


Donna : Okay, dinner is all ready. I just had to add the secret ingredient; Love. By the way, love is salt. Alright, Chicken Pinciotti for two.

Eric : Umm, is this red stuff gravy or blood?
Donna: There’s no gravy.

Eric : Oh! Well I guess it’s just kinda moist then. Actually it’s kinda pink. Is this ham?

Donna : No. It’s Chicken Pinciotti. Mine looks fine. Well if you don’t want to eat yours, we have some Fruity Pebbles.

Eric : No. No. Grown ups don’t eat Fruity Pebbles. They eat chicken.

Donna : What grown ups? Where are these grown ups?

Eric : Donna … us. The whole point of this weekend is to prove that we’re grown up and that … Red doesn’t know what he’s talkin’ about when he says I’m immature.

Donna : It is? I dunno, I thought the point of this weekend was to have … you know a fun light weekend.

Eric : Yeah, no it will be fun and light. It’s just that in the next thirty-six hours, I would like to prove to myself that my father’s been wrong about me my entire life. But in a fun, light way.

Donna : Well whatever. You don’t have to eat the chicken.

Eric : No! What? No! Are you kidding? I was kidding. I’m-I’m doin’ our grown up domestic squabbling thing. You know? It’s like I make fun of your cooking. You tell me to put on pants when we have company.

Donna : Are you gonna stop wearin’ your pants? ‘Cause I might have a problem with that.

Eric : See! Good. We’re bickering like husband and wife. What? You call this dinner? Take my wife, please. That’s delicious.


Jewelry Store


[Kitty]


Kitty : Steven, just come in. Your jacket looks fine.


[Hyde enters]


Hyde : Mrs. Forman, I don’t think this jacket is really my style.

Kitty : Oh nonsense. Ever since I’ve know you you’ve been nothing but flash and pizzazz. Oh and look; it says stuntman on the arm. People are gonna think you’re from Hollywood.


[Kitty finds Fenton]


Kitty : Excuse me.

Fenton : Yes

Kitty : I was wondering if I might look at that ring you called Mr. Forman about, that he doesn’t know that I know about yet?

Fenton : Oh I don’t think I’m supposed to show you but, but I do a lot of things behind this counter I’m not supposed to do. So …

Kitty : This is an engagement ring.

Hyde : An engagement ring? Uh oh.

Kitty : Why would Red give me a diamond ring?

Hyde : Maybe it’s a menopause diamond. You know, for happy menopause.

Kitty : Oh oh, it’s engraved. To Donna …

Fenton : You’re a lucky woman Donna. I mean Mr. Forman seems a tad young for you but, uh, men and women are doin’ all sorts of things we never used to do. Hmm?

Kitty : Oh my goodness. This is from Eric to … Eric and Donna are engaged!

Hyde : Well if they are, I’m learning it here for the first time!

Fenton : So … Mr. Stuntman. Are you from Hollywood?


The Pinciotti Kitchen


[Donna and Eric]


Eric : I gotta tell you, this bein’ grown up thing really seems to work for us. It’s like, we’re already good at being married.

Donna : All we did was eat.

Eric : Hey, little secret they don’t tell ya: That’s all marriage is.


[Hyde shows up at back door]


Hyde : Forman, listen. I just got back from the mall with your mom.

Donna : Nice coat Hyde. Burt Reynolds have a garage sale?

Eric : Yeah Hyde, Donna and I are tryin’ to be alone. We got no use for a shiny red stuntman.

Hyde : Look. Would you shut up and listen to me?
Eric : No! Okay. This house is closed to parties. Okay? So just go away. Oh and tell the cast of Smokey and the Bandit that I said ten-four.

Hyde : Fine! I’m gone man.

Donna : Don’t you mean I’m eastbound and down good buddy?

Eric : What does a married couple do after a delicious dinner of Chicken Pinciotti?

Donna : Well we could make out on the couch, but we’re married so maybe we should just fight and go to bed.

Eric : Whoa!

Donna : What’s wrong?

Eric : Whoa. Okay, I think the Chicken Pinciotti wants to … fly the coop.

Donna : Oooh.

Eric : I’m gonna be upstairs for a little bit. Uh, do you have any magazines that I could … Whoa! Okay! I’m-I-I-I’ll just read the shampoo.

Donna : Wait. You can’t, you can’t use the bathroom upstairs. You have to use the one off the den.

Eric : Right in there? Wh-While you’re right in here? I-I can’t do that. You might … sense something.

Donna : I might sense something? How much of a ruckus are you gonna make?

Eric : I just … I can’t go here. Okay? And I can’t go home because Red thinks I’m over at Fez’s. I am a man without a country.

Donna : Eric. You wanted to be grown up. And, well this is something that grown ups do in the same house.

Eric : No, I … You know what I was thinkin’ I could build us another house. A separate house.

Donna : Eric. You’re talking about an outhouse.

Eric : Well it’s about time those made a comeback !


[Eric leaves]


The Forman Kithcen


[Hyde, Jackie and Kitty]


Kitty : Eric and Donna can’t be engaged! They’re too young! How does something like this happen?

Jackie : Well, Eric asked her to marry him … and instead of saying ewww, like a normal person … Donna said yes.

Kitty : Well I don’t like secret keeping in my house. What else is going on that I don’t know about?

Hyde : Ooh, there is something else. In the back left corner of Forman’s closet he has stashed some highly offensive photographic material.

Kitty : Well this has gotta stop! Eric should have told me about his engagement because in this house [Red enters] we do not keep secrets.

Red : Whatta you talkin’ about?

Kitty : Cheesecake. Different types of cheesecake.

Red : Well … sorry I missed it.

Kitty : Don’t judge me!

 

Kelso’s Front Door


[Kelso and Fez open door to find Eric]


Eric : Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.

Kelso : Nope. There’s nobody here. Course I don’t see people who don’t have parties for their friends so maybe there is somebody here and I just can’t see ‘em. I can’t see you Eric!

Eric : I really need to use the bathroom!

Fez : Well maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna’s house you party pooper.

Kelso : Yeah!

Fez : No party, no pooper!

Kelso : Nice.

Fez : Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper!


[Kelso and Fez slam the door]


Eric Forman’s Basement – The Circle


[Fez, Hyde, Jackie and Kelso]


Fez : So then I said, no party, no pooper! Because he wouldn’t have a party.

Jackie : See I think it’s stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean it’s simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen; a maid in the living room; and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.

Hyde : I am liking you more and more.

Kelso : You know I was thinkin’ about the Incredible Hulk. I like that show. Especially the part where he gets all like mad and turns green and then his shirt rips off. But then I was thinkin’ … what if he was purple? And a lady. Like an angry, naked, purple chick! Yeah, that’s better, right?

Red : What’s goin’ on down here? [Red comes down the stairs] Why doesn’t anybody ever go home?

Kelso : And then I realized that’s why they call it a clock radio.

All : ‘Cause it’s got both!

Red : What are you doin’ here? I thought Eric was with you.

Fez : Eric is always with me … in spirit.

Red : Don’t pussyfoot around. I make three phone calls, you’re back on that raft you floated in on.

Fez : Eric is at Donna’s.

Jackie : Fez!

Fez : I fear the open sea.


[Red goes upstairs]


The Forman Living Room


[Kitty and Red]


Red : Kitty, you know what I just found out about Eric?

Kitty : You found out?

Red : He lied to us. He’s spending the night at Donna’s.

Kitty : Oooh!

Red : What’d you think it was?

Kitty : He has dirty magazines in his closet. Our son is a pervert. I’m just gonna go pray for him.


[Kitty leaves]


Forman’s Front Door


[Eric]


Eric : Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry! Hurry!


[Red opens door]


Red : Well, speak of the idiot.

Eric : I gotta use the bathroom.

Red : What’s the matter with the foreign kids bathroom? That is where you were, isn’t it?

Eric : Yeah, of course! Why would I lie to you about something like that?


[Fez walks by]


Fez : I need bacon.

Eric : Okay, uh the reason I’d lie about something like that is …

Red : What happened? You pissed Donna off and she locked you out ?

Eric : Donna ? No.

Red : Oh, well … You pissed me off so I’m lockin’ you out.


[Red slams the door]


The Pinciotti Living Room


[Eric rushes by Donna]


Donna : Did you find …?

Eric : Don’t stop lovin’ me!


The Forman Kitchen


[Hyde, Kitty and Red as Eric enters]


Red : Well, look who’s here. Oh say Eric, the morning paper didn’t come. So I thought you could tell me a story while I eat. I know how good you are at making up stories.

Kitty : Why don’t you tell me things? You can tell me things. Even bad things. A mother’s love is like a flower that never wilts. Unless it’s lied to.

Red : If you’re done reciting poetry, I’d like to yell at the kid.

Hyde : Hey Forman, this is about to get ugly, so if you have to go potty, now’s a good time.

Eric : I’m sorry. Okay, I shouldn’t have told you I was at Fez’s.

Red : Do you ever think about what you’re doing with your life?
Eric : Hey Dad, it’s my life, okay? I’m grown up now.

Red : Grown up? Well you sure say that a lot so it must be true. Let me try it. Hey everybody, I’m Mr. Rogers. But wait, I’m not wearing a sweater. And I’m about to kick your ass. Maybe it doesn’t work. Maybe you’re just an immature piss ant who still lies to his parents.

Eric : You know what Dad! … Oh my God, you’re right. Yer-I have been lying and acting immature and keeping secrets and I swear to God I’m just as sick of it as you are. So, here’s the truth: Donna and I are engaged.

Hyde : I get his room!

Red : You’re engaged?!

Eric : Yeah. I already gave her the ring.

Red : Kitty, are you hearing this?

Kitty : Yes I am. And for the first time too.

Eric : Well, it’s true. So if I’m gonna be ready to be married, which I am, then I guess I should be ready to tell you the truth. So there it is. Wow! That felt great. I’m gonna go see my fiancé. Wow, that felt great too! What a great day.


[Eric leaves]


Kitty : Okay. Okay, this is good. We’re all being open here. Does anybody have anything else they wanna get off their chest?

Hyde : Mrs. Forman, I hate my jacket!

Kitty : Oh well now we’re just tryin’ to hurt each other.


The Forman Driveway


[Hyde and Kitty]


Kitty : Okay now, c’mon Steven. Give it another chance. Oh, it’s snazzy !


[Bob and Joanne come up. Bob in same coat as Hyde]


Bob : Hey there ! Hi there ! Check out my outerwear.

Kitty : I’ll just give this to Goodwill.

Bob : Read the arm. Stuntman. People are gonna think I’m from Hollywood.

 

End Episode.

Ecrit par haley1990 
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