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The Forman Back Porch
[Donna, Eric, Fez, Hyde, Jackie and Kelso]
Kelso : And then I realized that’s why they call it a clock radio. ‘Cause it’s got both.
[Bob and Joanne walk up]
Bob : Hey Donna, feast your eyes. All new stuff for me and Joanne’s weekend away at tennis camp.
Joanne : Billy Jean King’s sister is leading the campfire songs.
Bob : We’re gonna make quite the raquet.
Fez : Good one Bob.
[Bob and Joanne leave]
Kelso : Bob’s goin’ out of town for the weekend. Alright! Party at Donna’s! Okay, we’re gonna need beer, balloons and girls with low self esteem.
Eric : Guys, hang on. Donna and I already made plans this weekend.
Hyde : Well then just leave us a key man. And don’t worry. If anything bad happens, I know how to make it look like a robbery-homicide.
Donna : Look, Eric and I want one weekend alone where we don’t have to be so secret about being engaged. I could even wear my ring if it weren’t being resized for me.
Jackie : Can they make a ring big enough to fit your Paul Bunyan hands?
Donna : Jackie!
Jackie : Well I’m sorry Donna, but if you’re not gonna have a party, you’re gonna get insulted. That’s just the way it is.
Hyde : The way I see it, unless Donna’s blockin’ the door with her giant hands … we’re comin’ over for a party.
Kelso : Oh ho, we should get one of those girls that jump out of cakes. Yeah, they’re great. You know you two could do a little less standin’ around and a little more jumpin’ outta cakes.
The Forman Kitchen
[Eric and Kitty as Red enters]
Red : Morning.
Eric : Hey Dad, I was thinkin’ of spending tonight and tomorrow over at Fez’s.
Red : At whosis?
Kitty : The foreign boy with the tight pants; wears a little too much cologne.
Red : I don’t like him. I caught him stealin’ bacon out of our fridge. Why are you doing your homework in the morning?
Eric : Uh, I was out last night with Donna.
Red : Well of course you were. That’s why you came in a half hour past the curfew.
Eric : Oh well, Donna had a flat.
Red : Oh. That’s awful bad luck. Seein’ how Donna doesn’t have a car. I see you getting bigger, but you still act like a twelve year old. Now when are you gonna grow up and start thinkin’ about your future?
Kitty : Red, don’t get upset so early. You won’t enjoy your sausage and Tang.
Eric : Sausage and Tang? Isn’t that a little racy for breakfast.
Kitty : I don’t get it.
Red : Well I’m gonna leave … before someone explains it.
[Red leaves as Hyde enters]
Hyde : Mornin’.
Kitty : Steven, y’gotta a big tear in that jacket.
Hyde : Yeah. It’s hard hoppin’ over a fence carryin’ two twelve packs … I mean library books.
Kitty : Well, I’m gonna ignore that ‘cause you don’t even have parents to buy you a new coat. He doesn’t have parents Eric.
Eric : He told me that sometimes when he’s all alone, he cries.
Kitty : Oh that settles it. I’m takin’ you shopping for a new coat. Here, here. Take some Tang and go.
Hyde : Man if I had a dollar for every time I heard a chick say that …
Kitty : What? What? Never turn down Tang. Growing boys need Tang.
[Eric and Steven leave]
Kitty : What is funny here?!
The Pinciotti Living Room
[Bob, Donna and Joanne]
Bob : Oh, the plumber took apart the toilet upstairs, so you’ll have to use this one. I know it’s scary down here at night, but …
Joanne : She’ll be fine. Let’s go.
Bob : Just when you come around that corner in the dark the coat rack can look like a bear.
[Bob and Joanne leave; Eric pops up from behind the bar]
Eric : Finally … we’re alone.
Donna : For the whole weekend.
[Fez, Hyde, Jackie and Kelso arrive]
Kelso : Alright! Party time! I brought the Slip ‘n’ Slide. Let’s move the couch.
Fez : Okay, I’ll get the hose.
Kelso : No no no, we don’t need the hose man. We’ll just use beer.
Donna : Kelso. Are you nuts?
Kelso : You’re right. We don’t wanna waste the beer. Go get the hose man.
Eric : No. Guys, we said no party.
Hyde : Aw c’mon Forman. Look man, you gotta help me out here. Jackie and I are goin’ through a really rough time and maybe … just maybe we can start to heal if you can find it in your heart to let me trash your girlfriend’s house.
Eric : Don’t care.
Kelso : But it’s party time man. I invited a girl in a halter top who was on her fifth beer. Fifth beer halter top!
Eric : Forget it Kelso.
Kelso : No but do you know what a Slip ‘n’ Slide can do to a halter top? It turns it into a belt.
The Forman Kitchen
[Kitty gets call from Fenton the jeweler]
Kitty : Hello.
Fenton : Hello, is a … Mr. Forman there?
Kitty : No I’m sorry you just missed him. Can I take a message?
Fenton : Yes, this is Fenton from All That Glitters. Mr. Forman bought a ring here and I’m calling to tell him it’s ready. And ah oh, it looks fabulous.
Kitty : He bought me a ring?
Fenton : Oh ah, I-I hope it wasn’t a surprise. Perhaps you shouldn’t know that I called. Umm. Could you let Mr. Forman know that I called? I mean, umm, you shouldn’t know that he bought you … oh … Now I’ve made a messy.
[They both hang up]
The Pinciotti Kitchen
[Donna and Eric]
Donna : Okay, dinner is all ready. I just had to add the secret ingredient; Love. By the way, love is salt. Alright, Chicken Pinciotti for two.
Eric : Umm, is this red stuff gravy or blood?
Donna: There’s no gravy.
Eric : Oh! Well I guess it’s just kinda moist then. Actually it’s kinda pink. Is this ham?
Donna : No. It’s Chicken Pinciotti. Mine looks fine. Well if you don’t want to eat yours, we have some Fruity Pebbles.
Eric : No. No. Grown ups don’t eat Fruity Pebbles. They eat chicken.
Donna : What grown ups? Where are these grown ups?
Eric : Donna … us. The whole point of this weekend is to prove that we’re grown up and that … Red doesn’t know what he’s talkin’ about when he says I’m immature.
Donna : It is? I dunno, I thought the point of this weekend was to have … you know a fun light weekend.
Eric : Yeah, no it will be fun and light. It’s just that in the next thirty-six hours, I would like to prove to myself that my father’s been wrong about me my entire life. But in a fun, light way.
Donna : Well whatever. You don’t have to eat the chicken.
Eric : No! What? No! Are you kidding? I was kidding. I’m-I’m doin’ our grown up domestic squabbling thing. You know? It’s like I make fun of your cooking. You tell me to put on pants when we have company.
Donna : Are you gonna stop wearin’ your pants? ‘Cause I might have a problem with that.
Eric : See! Good. We’re bickering like husband and wife. What? You call this dinner? Take my wife, please. That’s delicious.
Kitty : Steven, just come in. Your jacket looks fine.
Hyde : Mrs. Forman, I don’t think this jacket is really my style.
Kitty : Oh nonsense. Ever since I’ve know you you’ve been nothing but flash and pizzazz. Oh and look; it says stuntman on the arm. People are gonna think you’re from Hollywood.
[Kitty finds Fenton]
Kitty : Excuse me.
Fenton : Yes
Kitty : I was wondering if I might look at that ring you called Mr. Forman about, that he doesn’t know that I know about yet?
Fenton : Oh I don’t think I’m supposed to show you but, but I do a lot of things behind this counter I’m not supposed to do. So …
Kitty : This is an engagement ring.
Hyde : An engagement ring? Uh oh.
Kitty : Why would Red give me a diamond ring?
Hyde : Maybe it’s a menopause diamond. You know, for happy menopause.
Kitty : Oh oh, it’s engraved. To Donna …
Fenton : You’re a lucky woman Donna. I mean Mr. Forman seems a tad young for you but, uh, men and women are doin’ all sorts of things we never used to do. Hmm?
Kitty : Oh my goodness. This is from Eric to … Eric and Donna are engaged!
Hyde : Well if they are, I’m learning it here for the first time!
Fenton : So … Mr. Stuntman. Are you from Hollywood?
The Pinciotti Kitchen
[Donna and Eric]
Eric : I gotta tell you, this bein’ grown up thing really seems to work for us. It’s like, we’re already good at being married.
Donna : All we did was eat.
Eric : Hey, little secret they don’t tell ya: That’s all marriage is.
[Hyde shows up at back door]
Hyde : Forman, listen. I just got back from the mall with your mom.
Donna : Nice coat Hyde. Burt Reynolds have a garage sale?
Eric : Yeah Hyde, Donna and I are tryin’ to be alone. We got no use for a shiny red stuntman.
Hyde : Look. Would you shut up and listen to me?
Eric : No! Okay. This house is closed to parties. Okay? So just go away. Oh and tell the cast of Smokey and the Bandit that I said ten-four.
Hyde : Fine! I’m gone man.
Donna : Don’t you mean I’m eastbound and down good buddy?
Eric : What does a married couple do after a delicious dinner of Chicken Pinciotti?
Donna : Well we could make out on the couch, but we’re married so maybe we should just fight and go to bed.
Eric : Whoa!
Donna : What’s wrong?
Eric : Whoa. Okay, I think the Chicken Pinciotti wants to … fly the coop.
Donna : Oooh.
Eric : I’m gonna be upstairs for a little bit. Uh, do you have any magazines that I could … Whoa! Okay! I’m-I-I-I’ll just read the shampoo.
Donna : Wait. You can’t, you can’t use the bathroom upstairs. You have to use the one off the den.
Eric : Right in there? Wh-While you’re right in here? I-I can’t do that. You might … sense something.
Donna : I might sense something? How much of a ruckus are you gonna make?
Eric : I just … I can’t go here. Okay? And I can’t go home because Red thinks I’m over at Fez’s. I am a man without a country.
Donna : Eric. You wanted to be grown up. And, well this is something that grown ups do in the same house.
Eric : No, I … You know what I was thinkin’ I could build us another house. A separate house.
Donna : Eric. You’re talking about an outhouse.
Eric : Well it’s about time those made a comeback !
The Forman Kithcen
[Hyde, Jackie and Kitty]
Kitty : Eric and Donna can’t be engaged! They’re too young! How does something like this happen?
Jackie : Well, Eric asked her to marry him … and instead of saying ewww, like a normal person … Donna said yes.
Kitty : Well I don’t like secret keeping in my house. What else is going on that I don’t know about?
Hyde : Ooh, there is something else. In the back left corner of Forman’s closet he has stashed some highly offensive photographic material.
Kitty : Well this has gotta stop! Eric should have told me about his engagement because in this house [Red enters] we do not keep secrets.
Red : Whatta you talkin’ about?
Kitty : Cheesecake. Different types of cheesecake.
Red : Well … sorry I missed it.
Kitty : Don’t judge me!
Kelso’s Front Door
[Kelso and Fez open door to find Eric]
Eric : Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.
Kelso : Nope. There’s nobody here. Course I don’t see people who don’t have parties for their friends so maybe there is somebody here and I just can’t see ‘em. I can’t see you Eric!
Eric : I really need to use the bathroom!
Fez : Well maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna’s house you party pooper.
Kelso : Yeah!
Fez : No party, no pooper!
Kelso : Nice.
Fez : Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper!
[Kelso and Fez slam the door]
Eric Forman’s Basement – The Circle
[Fez, Hyde, Jackie and Kelso]
Fez : So then I said, no party, no pooper! Because he wouldn’t have a party.
Jackie : See I think it’s stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean it’s simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen; a maid in the living room; and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.
Hyde : I am liking you more and more.
Kelso : You know I was thinkin’ about the Incredible Hulk. I like that show. Especially the part where he gets all like mad and turns green and then his shirt rips off. But then I was thinkin’ … what if he was purple? And a lady. Like an angry, naked, purple chick! Yeah, that’s better, right?
Red : What’s goin’ on down here? [Red comes down the stairs] Why doesn’t anybody ever go home?
Kelso : And then I realized that’s why they call it a clock radio.
All : ‘Cause it’s got both!
Red : What are you doin’ here? I thought Eric was with you.
Fez : Eric is always with me … in spirit.
Red : Don’t pussyfoot around. I make three phone calls, you’re back on that raft you floated in on.
Fez : Eric is at Donna’s.
Jackie : Fez!
Fez : I fear the open sea.
[Red goes upstairs]
The Forman Living Room
[Kitty and Red]
Red : Kitty, you know what I just found out about Eric?
Kitty : You found out?
Red : He lied to us. He’s spending the night at Donna’s.
Kitty : Oooh!
Red : What’d you think it was?
Kitty : He has dirty magazines in his closet. Our son is a pervert. I’m just gonna go pray for him.
Forman’s Front Door
Eric : Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry up! Hurry! Hurry!
[Red opens door]
Red : Well, speak of the idiot.
Eric : I gotta use the bathroom.
Red : What’s the matter with the foreign kids bathroom? That is where you were, isn’t it?
Eric : Yeah, of course! Why would I lie to you about something like that?
[Fez walks by]
Fez : I need bacon.
Eric : Okay, uh the reason I’d lie about something like that is …
Red : What happened? You pissed Donna off and she locked you out ?
Eric : Donna ? No.
Red : Oh, well … You pissed me off so I’m lockin’ you out.
[Red slams the door]
The Pinciotti Living Room
[Eric rushes by Donna]
Donna : Did you find …?
Eric : Don’t stop lovin’ me!
The Forman Kitchen
[Hyde, Kitty and Red as Eric enters]
Red : Well, look who’s here. Oh say Eric, the morning paper didn’t come. So I thought you could tell me a story while I eat. I know how good you are at making up stories.
Kitty : Why don’t you tell me things? You can tell me things. Even bad things. A mother’s love is like a flower that never wilts. Unless it’s lied to.
Red : If you’re done reciting poetry, I’d like to yell at the kid.
Hyde : Hey Forman, this is about to get ugly, so if you have to go potty, now’s a good time.
Eric : I’m sorry. Okay, I shouldn’t have told you I was at Fez’s.
Red : Do you ever think about what you’re doing with your life?
Eric : Hey Dad, it’s my life, okay? I’m grown up now.
Red : Grown up? Well you sure say that a lot so it must be true. Let me try it. Hey everybody, I’m Mr. Rogers. But wait, I’m not wearing a sweater. And I’m about to kick your ass. Maybe it doesn’t work. Maybe you’re just an immature piss ant who still lies to his parents.
Eric : You know what Dad! … Oh my God, you’re right. Yer-I have been lying and acting immature and keeping secrets and I swear to God I’m just as sick of it as you are. So, here’s the truth: Donna and I are engaged.
Hyde : I get his room!
Red : You’re engaged?!
Eric : Yeah. I already gave her the ring.
Red : Kitty, are you hearing this?
Kitty : Yes I am. And for the first time too.
Eric : Well, it’s true. So if I’m gonna be ready to be married, which I am, then I guess I should be ready to tell you the truth. So there it is. Wow! That felt great. I’m gonna go see my fiancé. Wow, that felt great too! What a great day.
Kitty : Okay. Okay, this is good. We’re all being open here. Does anybody have anything else they wanna get off their chest?
Hyde : Mrs. Forman, I hate my jacket!
Kitty : Oh well now we’re just tryin’ to hurt each other.
The Forman Driveway
[Hyde and Kitty]
Kitty : Okay now, c’mon Steven. Give it another chance. Oh, it’s snazzy !
[Bob and Joanne come up. Bob in same coat as Hyde]
Bob : Hey there ! Hi there ! Check out my outerwear.
Kitty : I’ll just give this to Goodwill.
Bob : Read the arm. Stuntman. People are gonna think I’m from Hollywood.