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[Basement - Hyde sits in his chair. Eric's sitting on the couch, Fez is next to him.]
Eric : Okay, let me get this straight. After my grandpa's funeral, Kelso and Annette are making out, Jackie sees them and yells, 'Get off my boyfriend'?
Hyde (nods) :
Eric (continued) : Right in front of you?
Fez : Yeah, it really brought the whole funeral way down.
[Hyde stands up and starts pacing.]
Eric: Hyde, that's horrible man. You know what's even worse? I totally missed it.
Hyde: Yeah, well, nobody else missed it! Half the frickin town was there. Today at the hub, you know that kid Jimmy with the headgear? He said he felt bad for me. Jimmy Headgear felt bad for me! (CONT'D) I knew it was a mistake hooking up with Jackie and I did it anyway. You know why? 'Cause she makes you stupid. (HE SITS BACK DOWN) I bet Kelso was composing symphonies before her!
[Kelso walks in, annette is behind him.]
Kelso: Hyde, man, I just want to say I'm sorry, because what Jackie did to you was embarrassing! I mean, you must be so embarrassed... I - I told a lot of people what happened and they all agreed just really embarrassing!
[Hyde gets up and goes to the freezer.]
Eric: Kelso, now is not the time --
Kelso: No, I just want to buck our boy up, 'cause what happened was so embarrassing!
Hyde: That's it, I'm gonna kick your ass! Foreman, hold my Popsicle!
[Eric jumps up and holds Hyde back from attacking Kelso. Kelso pushes Annette in front of him.]
Eric : Whoa, whoa! Okay! You know what? Why don't we go upstairs and look at that new JC Penny catalogue? (HE STARTS TO PUSH HYDE TOWARDS THE STAIRS) There's a full colored section on bra's... word has it that the airbrush guy totally missed a nipple...
[Hyde and eric leave the basement, leaving Fez, Kelso and Anette.]
Kelso: I don't know why he was so mad (YELLS TO THE STAIRS) I was just being sensitive!
Annette: Well be sensitive to me because I'm upset, too. If you expect me to go to the Valentines Dance tonight, you're gonna have to do a few things for me...
Kelso: For you or to you?
Annette (SMACKS HIS CHEST) : Shut up! One, you will not speak to Jackie; Two, you will not speak to girls who have brown hair like Jackie; Three, you will not speak to Jackie (PAUSES AND THINKS) Wait... I got messed up.
Kelso: Yeah, yeah, baby... whatever you want.
[He smacks her butt and pushes her out the door.]
Kelso (CONT'D) : Man, it's great being under someone's thumb again!
FEZ (LOOKS AT KELSO AND SHAKES HIS HEAD) : What did your mother do to you?
Kelso : Man, I just feel bad for Hyde... I mean, Annette wants me, Jackie wants me. (SITS DOWN) My good looks are ruining people's lives!
Fez : Well, Hyde seems pretty mad...
Kelso (ROLLS HIS EYES) : Whatever man, I'm not afraid of him.
Eric (OS) : He got away !
[Kelso jumps up, runs past Fez.]
Kelso : Help me!
[Hyde comes rushing down the stairs, Eric following frantically. Kelso runs out the doors, Hyde follows.]
[School gym. Jackie and Donna are at the decorations table.]
Donna : So, have you talked to Hyde about the whole 'Get off my boyfriend' disaster?
Jackie : No! And why is everyone making such a big deal about it? It's like every time I walk into a room, people look at me funny. Donna, how do you deal with it?
Donna (ROLLS HER EYES AND SHAKES HER HEAD) : Jackie, the reason people are making a big deal about it is because it sounds like you still have feelings for Kelso.
Jackie : Well I don't. I think the only reason I said it was because I was having an allergic reaction to the Formans' cheap, generic soda.
[Fez walks in, sucking on a balloon.]
Fez (ON HELIUM) : Oh, no! A giant red head! Please don't crush me, pleeease!
[Fez laughs, as does Donna and Jackie.]
Jackie : Fez, would you stop screwing around? Now, did you finish the balloon walkway of love yet?
Fez (VOICE NORMAL) : You bet I did. When Nina sees it, she's going to be so impressed, her balloons will become my walkway of love... if you know what I mean.
Donna : Fez, that is disgusting.
[Fez sucks on the balloon again.]
Fez (ON HELIUM AGAIN) : Oh, no! The giant's angry! Run for your lives! (JUMPS UP AND RUNS OUT OF THE GYM) Run! Run!
(RED, ERIC, DONNA AND BEA ALL SIT AT THE TABLE, EATING.)
[Kitty walks over, carrying cornbread.]
Donna : Mrs. Foreman, this chili is great!
Kitty : Thanks ! (SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE NEXT TO BEA) Daddy just loved my chili, you remember mom?
Bea : I remember it gave him the toots.
Red : That's a nice place to start the reminiscing.
Bea : So, Eric, are you excited about your big valentines day dance?
Eric : Yeah, I'm just glad it's in the gym. There's nothing like celebrating the most romantic day in your life in a room where I got my first wedgie.
Donna : It meant I liked you, Eric!
Kitty : If you don't mind, I'd like to talk about my father.
Bea : Well, Kitty, we can dwell on what was, or we can talk about what is. If I've learned anything from losing my Berty-bear, it's that all that really matters is making sure the people we love, know we love them.
Kitty : Mom, that was wonderful!
Bea : I mean it ! (TURNS TO ERIC) Eric, I love you.
Eric : Aw! Well thanks, grandma!
Bea (GRINS AND TURNS BACK TO KITTY) : Kitty ...
[Kitty grins back.]
Bea (continued) : ... I think I'll go for a walk.
BEA GETS UP AND WALKS OUT THE DOOR.
Kitty (LOOKS AROUND AND LAUGHS) : Well, this was fun ! (GETS UP) I'm gonna go to bed for a few days!
[Kitty exits. Red stands up.]
Red : Oh, no. She hasn't done this since Elvis died on the crapper.
[Eric nods sadly.]
Red (continued) : Now I gotta sit by the bed for 4 days, and tell her that she's beautiful. It's hard to say that to a cold cream smeared loony in bunny slippers !
[Red follows Kitty. Eric gets up to put some bowls in the sink.]
Eric : I remember that week. The shades were drawn, the food supply ran low; we were sucking on bouillon cubes to stay alive...
Donna (GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO ERIC) : Yeah, but did you hear what your grandmother said about love being the only thing that matters? Eric! We should tell her that we're engaged...
Eric : What?!
Donna : Well she could be the one person who would be happy for us; We're gonna need someone on our side when we tell our families.
Eric : Yeah, and you know what, even if she's not on our side, the minute "grandma" thinks it's a bad idea, my mom'll be booking the big room at the Holiday Inn just out of spite!
Donna (NODS) : So it's a win - win.
Eric : Yeah! We're gonna do what Luke Skywalker was too afraid to do...
[Donna rolls her eyes and looks down.]
Eric (cont'd) : ... use the darkside to our advantage.
Donna : Eric, if we're gonna be married, you're really gotta ease up on the Star Wars stuff. Alright? It doesn't apply to everything.
Eric : I'm gonna have to rewrite my vows...
[Donna smiles and leaves.]
THE HUB. ANNETTE AND KELSO SIT AT A TABLE.
Annette : ... my favorite song?
Kelso : Uh, the most beautiful girl in the world!
Annette : The light I look best in?
Kelso : Uh, uh, it's a tie between 20 watt soft pink bulbs and mid-summer sunset!
Annette (obviously pleased) : Very good, Michael!
Kelso : God I miss this.
[Jackie walks in.]
Jackie : Oh, hey! Uhm, have you guys seen Steven?
Annette : I hear a weird piercing noise but I don't know where it's coming from. Do you hear anything, Michael?
Kelso : Yeah, it's just Jackie. (TURNS TO JACKIE) Uh, Jackie, I'm sorry you had to see me wearing this t-shirt, I know how it emphasizes my hunk-a-licious bod...
Jackie : Shut up, Michael okay? I made a stupid slip... it meant nothing.
Annette : Right, because Michael is my boyfriend.
Jackie : I know he is, skankwad!
Annette : Oh, I'm a skankwad?
[Kelso jumps up and throws his chair from under him.]
Kelso : Girl fight! Let's get it on!
Jackie : We're not gonna fight.
Kelso : Well, maybe you should kiss and make up.
[Annette and Jackie give him dirty looks.]
Kelso (cont'd) : Let's get it on!
[Jackie walks away. Annette gets up and walks away at the same time.]
Kelso : What? Wait. (beat. glumly) Ah, I'll go with the blonde...
FOREMAN LIVING ROOM.
[ R ed is walking down the stairs, he pauses to say something.]
Red : Kitty, I'm just going to the corner to get you some soup ! I'm not leaving you for somebody younger and less dramatic !
[Donna, Eirc and Bea are seated on the couch. Ref continues down the stairs and glares at Bea.]
Red (cont'd) : This is your fault. If I want to get my wife out of bed, I gotta tie a rope around her and attach it to my bumper, and pull her out like a stump !
[Red exits. Bea turns back to Eric and Donna, not bothered.]
Bea : So what were you saying, dear?
Eric : Uhm, well, I was saying that... I'm getting married !
[Donna nods and grins.]
Bea : Oh, honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl ?
[Donna and Eric's smiles fade.]
Eric : Well, uh... Donna !
[Donna grins again.]
Bea : Oh. Well I guess this is a small town !
[Bea gets up and kisses Eric on the head. She exits.]
Donna : What the hell did that mean?
Eric : That, my friend, is the seldom heard, but much feared 'Grandma burn'.
Eric (cont'd) : You're only warning is the jingling of costume jewelry and over powering scent of Ben Gay.
THE BASEMENT. HYDE AND FEZ SIT ON THE COUCH, WATCHING TV.
FEZ : Well, you and Jackie are certainly a mess. I remember before Nina when my love life was a mess. Perfect now, though. Not like yours -- which is just a mess.
[Hyde stays quiet, looking depressed. Jackie walks into the basement.]
Jackie : Steven! I called 3 times within the last half hour!
Hyde (COOLY) : Yeah, I figured it was you 'cause all the calls came during the commercials for the newlywed game.
Jackie (SITS NEXT TO HIM) : So, what now you're not taking my calls ?
[Hyde remains quiet]
Jackie : Why are you making a big deal out of this?
Hyde : Because it is a big deal when you yell get off my boyfriend to a girl who's on someone who's not me.
[Hyde gets up and looks at her.]
Jackie : Steven, I cannot be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth! It didn't mean anything.
Hyde : So that's you're story? It didn't mean anything?
Jackie (SMILES) : Right! So you just need to get over it.
Hyde (NODS AND CROSSES HIS ARMS) : Oh, yeah. Don't worry, I'm over it...
Hyde (cont'd) : ... in fact, I'm over you.
[Jackie looks confused and then hurt.]
Jackie : Wait, Steven, what are you saying?
Fez (SPEAKING FAST) : He's saying he's breaking up with you. What? You're not paying attention? 'Cause I'm at the edge of my frickin' seat here!
Jackie (ON THE BRINK OF TEARS) : Steven?
[Hyde just looks at her and shrugs. Jackie runs out of the basement. Hyde pauses a moment before sitting back down next to Fez.]
Fez : So, I have a girlfriend and you don't...
Eric : So, my grandma doesn't think Donna's good enough for me. How great is that?! Finally! Someone thinks Donna's the lucky one. No more, 'Hey, how'd he get her?' or 'Oh, that skinny guy must really be rich.' Yeah, that's right, I heard the whispers; I just pretended not to.
CUT TO: FEZ
Fez : Who was whispering? We said it right to you!
CUT TO: HYDE
Hyde : Well, I'm done with Jackie and I feel like a guy who had a 95 pound mole removed. A 95 pound Donny Osmond lovin', shoe shoppin', ice-capade attending, mole.
CUT TO: KELSO
Kelso : Hyde, I know that's just coming from a place of deep, deep pain; and I really do feel bad that my foxitude broke you and Jackie up! And I'd tone it down, but I just don't know how !
[The hub. Eric and Donna sit at a booth with Annette.]
Annette : Guys, I really think there's some unfinished business between Michael and Jackie. When they were together, did she make him happy ?
Donna : Well she totally dominated him and made him feel bad about himself.
Annette : I guess what I'm really asking is, was she ever fat or anything ?
[Donna just holds back a smile. Annette gets up and walks to the counter.]
Donna : Eric, how can your grandmother not like me? Ooh! Maybe I should wear my catholic school uniform around her more -- you know, people like me in that !
Eric : Well guys, mostly; But hey! Give it a shot... Grandma's have secrets, too.
[Jackie walks into the hub, sad.]
Jackie : Donna, Steven broke up with me.
Donna : Oh, Jackie, I'm sorry...
Eric : Hey, maybe he just wanted you to be able to spend time with your other boyfriend.
Jackie AND Annette : Shut up, Eric !
[Jackie turns around and sees Annette.]
Jackie : Oh, it's you. I didn't know they let slutballs in here.
Annette : Well I've seen you in here so I figured it was okay.
Jackie : Oh, you don't know it but you just burnt yourself !
Annette : Oh, I know it, the question is, do you ?
Jackie : I just said I do !
Annette : So do I, so you are too !
[Jackie looks incredulous.]
[Eric and donna, watching.]
Eric : Donna are you following this?
Donna : Uhm, I think one of them's a slutball one of them knows it.
[Back to Jackie and Annette.]
Annette : I think what we need to do is go talk about Michael.
Jackie : Fine, I'll try to use small words so you can understand me!
Annette : That's not gonna be good enough!
[Jackie looks ready to laugh at annettes stupidity.]
[Eric and Donna just look confused.]
THE FOREMAN LIVING ROOM.
[Eric and Donna enter. Bea is sitting on the couch.]
Eric : Hey, grandma!
[Eric and Donna both sit on the couch.]
Donna (CHEERFULLY) : Good afternoon, Mrs. Siggertson (??) Nice day, huh ?
Bea : No! It's rainy and my arthritis is kicking in.
Donna : What a coincidence! Mine too! Boy, am I getting old !
[Bea looks at Donna confused.]
Donna : But to too old. Y'know, whatever you are...
[Donna looks at eric for help.]
Eric : Wow. Hey Grandma! Donna brought you some salsa! Yep! Donna makes the best darned salsa outside your beloved Arizona. It's a reflection of her long time love affair with the south west !
Donna : Much like your own! (CHEERFULLY AS SHE HANDS BEA THE SALSA) Go Grand Canyon !
Bea (TAKES THE SALSA BUT IGNORES DONNA) : So, Eric, who are you seeing these days ?
Eric : Okay, grandma, you have got to give Donna a chance, and I know you two will get along famously, you have so much in common !
Donna : Right! Like, I love eating dinner at 4:30, too !
[Bea has no reaction.]
Donna (cont'd) : Look, Mrs. Siggertson, I love Eric with all my heart and I know that when you give me a chance, you'll see that we're great together !
Bea (SMILES) : Well that's very sweet ! And you're right, I'm sure you're the nicest girl Eric's met so far.
[Bea gets up and walks out.]
Eric : She is just so good at that.
THE FOREMAN KITCHEN.
[Red his escorting Kitty into the Kitchen. She is still in her robe, her hair is disheveled.]
Red : See, isn't it better to be up and about then stuck in your bed for a week ?
Kitty : Well this is better. Why do I even let that woman get to me? I'm gonna go get out of this robe...
Red : ... and take a shower! I mean, that's the spirit!
[Donna walks into the Kitchen.]
Donna : Your mother is a nutbag!
Kitty : What'd she do? That thing when she's pretending to be nice, but she's really insulting you?
Donna : Yes!
Kitty (BITTER) : Frigid Witch!
[Red rolls his eyes.]
Red : I'll get the bed ready.
Donna : How could she not like me ?
Kitty : How could she not like me ?
Donna : You know what? Maybe she just can't handle strong, healthy women.
Kitty : And I am strong and healthy. I bring home the bacon, I fry it up in a pan, and, and I never ever let Red forget he's a man !
Donna : Well I am not giving up on her!
Kitty : Oh, why are you even worried? I'm the one who has to live the rest of my life with the same family with this woman.
Donna : Yeah, but so do I !
[Kitty just looks at her.]
Donna : In the sense that, um, we're all part of the human family.
[Hyde is sitting on the couch. Jackie walks in.]
Jackie : Steven, I have to tell you something
Hyde : Well, if it's 'Get off my boyfriend', don't worry 'cause I already heard it.
Jackie : No. I have to tell you that you were right. When I said that, it did mean something, and I thought it didn't because sometimes I want something because other people have them. Like once, I made my dad buy me a pet rat because my cousin had one. But then, the rat got so disgusting, I made my kitty cat hunt it.
[Hyde looks confused.]
Hyde : I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Who's the rat? Am I the rat? --
Jackie : No, no. Steven... look, okay, I spoke to Annette. She made me realize -- okay, maybe I do have some leftover feelings for Michael, and then she said that if I really wanted him, I'd have to fight for him. But Steven, I know in my heart that the only person I want to fight for is you.
[Hyde gets up.]
Hyde (SARCASTIC) : Really?! Oh, boy! (TURNS BACK TO JACKIE, PISSED.) You like Kelso, but you like me a little bit more? What a bunch of crap! You know I think, Jackie? I think the only reason you were with me in the first place was to get back at Kelso.
Jackie : Steven, how can you say that?! Okay, fine, you know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael, but what am I supposed to do? He was my first boyfriend ! And you know what ? You're going to have to learn to deal with it ! And if you can't and you're going to have to break up with me because of that, I can't stop you! I think it's a real waste, because I love you!
[Longuest pause on television. Ever.]
[Hyde looks at Jackie, a very zen faciel expression on his face. For the longest time.]
Hyde (STUBBORNLY) : I'm not saying it back !
Jackie (DETERMINED) : I. Don't. Care.
[Hyde finally breaks the zen facade.]
Hyde : Dammit !
[He walks away from Jackie and stands by the washer. He finally walks back over to her and looks at her for a moment.]
Hyde : So are we going to go to the dance or what?
[Jackie looks relieved.]
Jackie : Oh, Steven.
[She kisses him and they hug. Fez walks in.]
Fez : Well, it looks like I'm just in time for make up sex. Don't mind me, you'll barely hear me. If you prefer, I could hide in the shower.
Hyde : Fez, get outta here.
Fez : Okay, here I go...
[He fakes as though he's going to leave out the door and quickly runs into the shower.]
THE VALENTINES DANCE.
[Nina and Fez approach the table with the punch.]
Fez : So earlier today I mentioned that I would like your balloons to be my walkway of love, and you said 'okay.' Do you know what I meant 'cause I don't want to surprise you with this one.
Nina : Well I think you meant...
[She leans over and whispers in his ear.]
Fez (EXCITED) : That's it!
[Jackie and Hyde entering the dance, hand in hand. Kelso and Annette are sitting at a table right by the door. Annette is on kelso's lap. Donna and eric walk over.]
Donna : Hey, look who's back together...
[Kelso jumps up, punshing Annette off his lap.]
Kelso : What the hell?!
Hyde (IGNORING KELSO) : C'mon, Jackie, let's dance.
[They go to the dance floor. Eric and Donna follow.]
Kelso : How can she be with him when she's so clearly not over me ?
Annette : I think the question is, how can you be with me when you're so clearly not over her ?
Kelso : Wait, is this a riddle ? Start over.
Annette : You're obviously still in love with Jackie.
Annette (cont'd) : I'm going back to California.
Kelso : Baby, no! I'll prove that I love you more -- I'll bet you 50 bucks that if we do it, I'll be really into it.
Annette : Good-bye Michael.
Kelso : Wait ! But you win either way !
[He sits down and sadly looks at Jackie and Hyde dancing. Elton John's tiny dancer plays in the background.]
[Kitty and Red come downstairs, clearly dressed up.]
Kitty : Oh I feel so much better ! I am a strong, healthy woman who doesn't need to go to bed every time some mean old lady gives her a cross look !
Red : That's right !
[Bea walks into the livingroom.]
Kitty : Good evening, mother! (CHEERFULLY) Going out the dinner!
Bea : Oh! Is that what you're wearing?
[Kitty's face falls and red looks shocked.]
Kitty : I'll be in bed...
END OF EPISODE