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Hyde, Fez and Kelso looking at Sports Illustrated
HYDE: Why would Sports illustrated even publish an issue "The son of swimsuit-issue"?
KELSO: You know who should do a swimsuit issue? Playboy.
HyYDEde: Why would you put clothes on a centerfold?
KELSO: Sometimes I get tired of all the complete nakedness and I like to be teased a little.
Kelso sits down, stretches and taps his head
KELSO: Yeeeah, there is a lot more going on up here than you know about.
HYDE: I think there is some stuff going on up there that you don’t know about.
The door opens, Eric and Donna enter.
DONNA: You guys should come to the arboretum with us. We saw plants and trees from all over the world.
ERIC: There is a bush from Morocco. Smelled like chocolate-chip cookies.
FEZ: Ah, that is the perfect bush.
DONNA (to Eric): Thanks for taking me to the arboretum, it was really fun.
Donna and Eric kiss.
ERIC: Yeah, what a great day.
ERIC: What a HORRIBLE day! I don’t mind looking at some trees. Okay, when they put little signs on them, little Latin names …makes me want to harm myself.
KELSO : So the missus took you out for some girl fun, huh?
FEZ (analyzing): See, Donna is hot, but she is mean. My girlfriend Nina, just hot.
HYDE: You know, Fez, you talk a lot about this Nina-chick, but none of us has ever seen her.
ERIC: Yeah, we actually starting to suspect that she is some creepy alter-ego that you visit late at night in front of the mirror.
FEZ: oh, no, I don’t do that anymore. But Nina is the real deal, Kelso saw her at the DMV.
KELSO: Eehhh, there were a lot of girls there, she could have been the one with the lazy-eye that does the vision test.
FEZ: Lazy-eye Lizzie? No way, she wouldn’t even look at me.
Nina and Fez stand behind the counter.
FEZ: Nina, my friends don’t believe you are my girlfriend even though I frenched you.
NINA: Girlfriend? I don’t know if were there yet. I mean I like you and all, it’s just that all the guys at the DMV seem great until you find them in your apartment wearing your hot-curlers. (She looks past Fez at another clerk) Warren! I want to get to know you better, meet your friends, make sure they’re not puppets. (Again looks past Fez) Warren!
Warren looks at her, irritated.
FEZ: Sooo. If they are not puppets, then would you be my girlfriend?
NINA: Mmmm, it would definitely help.
They kiss. A guy from the group of customers looks at them.
GUY: Are these lines open or not?
They break the kiss.
FEZ: You’re right, I’m sorry
NINA: It was very unprofessional.
Fez puts a sing saying "next window please" and they continue kissing.
Fez, Eric, Donna, Jackie and Kitty (with Schotzie) present. Kitty and Jackie sit at
the table, petting Schotzie, the rest hang out by the counter.
ERIC: So, we’re finally going to meet the mysterious, and possibly fictional, Nina!
FEZ: Fictional? Points at the side of his neck. Does this hickey look fictional?
Donna and Eric examine the proof.
DONNA: Huh, looks too small to be from the vacuum-cleaner like last time.
Jackie comes up.
JACKIE: Wait, let me see…Small, blotchy and uneven, ärgh, this girl is an amateur.
FEZ: Let me see…Small, blotchy and unpleasant, yeah, this girl is a Jackie.
KITTY: Fez? I’m thrilled that you found a girl, because I was starting to worry. Eh-heh…But you’re proven me and the experts from Readers’ Digest wrong!
FEZ: When I introduce her to everybody, I just want it to be special.
KITTY: Oh! Let’s have a formal dinner party tomorrow! You know it was at a dinner party that I first realized Red Forman was more than just a boy with great hair.
FEZ: Sounds good, Miss Kitty. Oh, you may be a little past your prime, but your mind is still sharp.
Kitty looks at Donna to find out how to react.
ERIC: Oh, actually tomorrow night is not going to work, I thought we might go see Laser Floyd.
KITTY: Well, you tell this fellow Floyd, that you have a dinner party.
ERIC: No, mom, Laser Floyd is not a guy, Laser Floyd is Pink Floyd music…with lasers! Lasers like in Star Wars!!
DONNA (reassuringly): Mrs. Forman, we will be here.
ERIC: What, you rather go to a formal dinner party?
DONNA: Sure! Sounds great.
JACKIE: And a, and don’t forget, Mrs. Forman, you can count Steven and me in. Yeah, I been looking for an excuse to buy him a shirt with buttons.
KITTY: Since it’s a special occasion, you are all allowed one sip of wine….
ERIC: Great! It will be like communion, but without the fun of church!
Jackie, Hyde and Eric present, Hyde and Eric are tossing cards into a hat.
JACKIE: So Steven, you know, I was thinking of getting you a pair of beige corduroys and maybe a blue blazer for the party.
HYDE: oh, don’t forget the matching scarf and gloves. (pause) This way I will be nice and toasty when hell freezes over!
ERIC (mock sympathy): Oh-o, Jackie, looks like Steven doesn’t wanna wear his big boy clothes.
HYDE: No, I just don’t wanna go! (Motions towards Jackie) And you know you should have asked me before you said I would.
JACKIE: Steven! I am you girlfriend. I speak for you now!
HYDE: Well then tell yourself I said to bite me, because I’m not going.
JACKIE : Oh, you are soooo going! So just bite yourself!
HYDE: Man, do you believe that crap?
ERIC: Tell me about it. Donna wants to go to a dinner-party, we go to a dinner-party. If she wants to go to an arboretum, BANG, I’m in a room full of trees. (pause) God, I hate trees. So tall and arrogant.
HYDE: So why don’t you just not go?
ERIC: Ergh, it’s just one day.
HYDE: Not for you man, you’re engaged. It Latin for ’screwed for life’.
ERIC: Oh my god, you’re right! And I have no choice, I have to do what she says, or she will not let me touch her naughty places! (pause) Hyde, this is extortion!
HYDE: You’re telling me? I’ve been shaken down by a 95-pound brunette with pink toenails!
Kitty takes three bottles of wine from a box , Red walks by and spots the bottles.
RED: Kitty? I know this change of life has upset you, but we just bought wine the other day. What are you doing, brushing your teeth with this stuff?
KITTY: Red, it’s not for me. (Looks at the bottle in her hand) Now, this one is. (Puts the bottle into the cupboard) Were having a dinner-party tomorrow night.
RED: No, can’t do it. Battle of the network stars is on!
Kitty looks puzzled.
RED: See, once a year, they make TV-stars compete at things they’re not good at. I look forward all season, to watching Ed Asner try to paddle a canoe. (pause) Makes me feel superior!
KITTY: Well you shouldn’t feel superior, because you know what I know about Ed Asner? Ed Asner would come to my dinner-party, because he knows how to treat a woman.
RED: Did you say dinner party? See, I thought you…oh, screw it, I’ll be there
Kelso, who has been lurking behind the screen door, has now entered and is casually leaning against the door-frame.
KELSO: What is this about a party?
KITTY (excited): Oh, well, we’re having a party tomorrow-night for Fez and Nina. (Kitty grins) I’ve invited all the kids.
KELSO: I’m a kid…
KITTY: Well, its for couples only. You can come if you bring a date.
KELSO: Well, it’s too late to find a date. Yeah, I’m sweet-looking, but I’m no miracle-worker.
KITTY: Well maybe if you’d stop jumping from girl to girl, you wouldn’t be alone, you’re no Frank Sinatra, you know!
KELSO (pointing at Kitty): You know, you used to be nice, but you’ve changed, lady!
Eric, Fez and Jackie leans against a car, Hyde is shooting hoops.
FEZ: Guys, I really want Nina to like me, so please, avoid the following topics: (pause) my addiction to candy, the fact that I have needs and my use of Alberto VO5 hot-oil treatment.
JACKIE: Fez, what does she care what you use on your hair?
FEZ: Oh, I do not use it on my hair.
Kelso comes form the house.
KELSO: Well, I heard about your secret couples-party. (he sits between Jackie and Fez) And I’m glad I’m not going because I hate parties.
ERIC: Hey man, I’m only going because Donna is making me. At this rate, the only way I’ll see Laser Floyd is if they project it on a leaf-canopy at the arboretum.
HYDE: So, don’t go to the party. Act tough, Forman.
ERIC: I’m not tough.
HYDE: That’s why I said act. (pause) No-one is making me go, that’s for sure.
JACKIE: Oooh, that is it, Steven! As your girlfriend, I am ordering you to go to this party!
HYDE: And as your boyfriend, I’m ordering you to take your bossy mouth and flap it elsewhere!
The stand and stare at each other.
KELSO: You’d flapping at me, I’ll go with you.
JACKIE: You hear that, Steven? Michael wants to go to the party with me.
HYDE: I’m not going to the party.
JACKIE: Fine. Michael, I would love to go to the party with you.
KELSO: Kickass! I love parties!
Jackie drags Kelso away by his jacket.
Apparently after the dinner. Everybody present, including Nina, excluding Hyde. Nina and Fez sit by the piano, Red at his chair, Kitty stands beside him and all the rest have squeezed themselves onto the couch.
KITTY: Okay, now! These are called after dinner conversation cards. Lets try one. (Kitty does her trademark laugh) If you were a bird were would you fly? Donna?
Donna looks surprised.
DONNA: Um, south? I don’t know, I’m nervous, I feel like I’m on Jeopardy.
Eric raises his hand.
ERIC: If I were a bird, I’d fly to Laser Floyd.
KELSO (like he just found the ultimate answer): I’d fly to Tahiti, cos’ the girls there don’t wear tops! Wait, but then I ’d want to change back to myself because no lady wants to make it with birds. (pause) Wait, can I be a monkey?
KITTY: Okay. Nina!
NINA: I’d fly to my favorite place, the DMV!
FEZ: I was just going to say that!
KITTY: Red, we haven’t heard a beep out of you.
REZ (deadpan): If I was a bird, I would fly into a ceiling-fan.
Hyde enters, looking defeated.
JACKIE: Oooh, Steven, you came, just like I thought you would. You buckled!
HYDE: No, I got hungry. (Looks at Kelso) You’re in my seat! (Tries to lift Kelso up by his tie but it comes off)
KELSO: Damn, Hyde, now everyone knows it’s a clip-on!
Kelso runs to the kitchen. Red comes from upstairs.
RED (to Fez and Nina): Since you two work at the DMV, how about you make this parking ticket disappear?
Red hands Fez the ticket, who gives it to Nina.
NINA: We can’t fix this, you parked in a firelane.
FEZ: Oh, Nina, please, (chuckles as he takes the ticket) we’re his guests. (To Red) I will take care of it, little buddy.
NINA: No, Fez, he broke the law!
RED: Broke the law! I was just getting some milk!
NINA: What if there was a fire?
RED: Then I’d pour my milk on it!
KITTY: Ok, ok, let’s try another card. Um, If you could be anyone’s shoe, who’s shoe would you be?
DONNA (joins in from the couch): I wouldn’t want to be Red’s shoe, because I think it’s about to go on someone’s ass!
RED: That’s it! I’m watching "Battle of the Network Stars"!
HYDE: I’m with you. (to Jackie) I’d follow Mr. Clip-on.
ERIC: Yeah, you know what? Me too.
Eric stands up and heads for the kitchen door.
DONNA: You’re leaving?
Eric turns around.
ERIC: There are lasers going off right now! Perfectly synchronized lasers! And all of a sudden, you’re like, like, glazed dinner-rolls, shaking me down with your naughty places!
FEZ: I’m going too, apparently we can eat a man’s food but we can not fix his ticket!
KITTY: What happened to my dinner-party!
KELSO: I’m sorry, Mrs. Forman, but Mary-Lou Henderson only gets on a trampoline once a year, and I’m not going to miss it.
Kelso leaves in a hurry.
The women are there.
DONNA: Where the hell does Eric get off acting like I make him do stuff? It not like I wanted us to come to this dinner party either! I only did because (sees Kitty and stops in mid-sentence). Well, you’re menopausing now and you scare me!
KITTY: Right, you came for me. It’s like I slaved over a pot-roast for all of you. You want a definition of Hell? Try opening a 400 degree oven while you’re having a hot flash.
NINA: We’re all here for someone else. You know why? It’s right there in front of us, girls! Women are giving.
JACKIE (looks suspicious): I’m not giving! I’m here for me. Steven is the one that should be thinking about others. I mean how can he just ditch me?
DONNA: Well, it might have something to do with you trying to boss him around and then showing up with Kelso.
NINA: She’s right.
JACKIE (to Nina): I know she’s right. But you’re not part of the group, and I don’t like you so zip it!
The guys, sit around watching the telly.
KELSO: Man, look at you guys, all forced to hide in the basement because of your women.
ERIC: Hey, I’m not hiding from anyone. I finally set Donna straight.
HYDE: Alls you did was babble about lasers and naughty places. Man, I thought you were having a stroke.
ERIC: Man for man, you caved just like Jackie wanted.
HYDE: I didn’t cave. I just wanted to make sure Don Juan el Tardo here kept his hands off her.
ERIC: Man, how do you explain the necktie?
HYDE: I just came form a business-meeting.
RED: At least he’s putting up a fight! You just gave up! Like France.
FEZ: Oh, get off his back, little buddy, you were at the party too.
RED: Hey, I fought a good fight for thirty years. Now I just agree with what Kitty wants to do so I can go to sleep. (to Fez) And I’m not your little buddy.
KELSO: Yeah, you’re all doomed. That’s funny.
ERIC (stands up): No, were not all doomed, one man here still has a chance. One man, can take a stand for all of us. And that man’s name is F… well, we can’t pronounce his real name, so we call him Fez!
Fez looks surprised and objects.
FEZ: I don’t want to take a stand, I just want Nina to be my girlfriend and give me nookie!
ERIC: Fez, come on, give it a try, it’ll be like "Battle of the Network Stars", think about it.
Game–show setting, "Battle of the Gender Stars" is written behind Kelso, who is the show’s host.
KELSO: Welcome back to the "Battle of the Gender Stars", where it’s tha gals with 50 points!
The women, Jackie, Kitty and Donna in red jackets and pants cheer.
KELSO: And the guys with zero.
The guys, wearing blue, look beaten.
KELSO: But the guys still have a chance, because the final event is conveniently worth 51 points!
Jamie Farr comes up to the guys, wearing the same track-suit (?) as the guys.
JAMIE FARR: You guys are pathetic!
HYDE: Wow, that’s some tough talk, Jamie Farr.
JAMIE FARR: I’m switching to the gals’ team. I could do that because I wear a dress on M.A.S.H.
The audience and the gals applause.
KELSO: OK, now let’s meet our contestants. Representing the gals: the lovely Nina! And representing the guys: the lovely Fez!
The contestants both get a padded pole from their team and proceed to meet each other on a narrow plank on top of a pool of mud.
KELSO: Fighters! Go!
Nina and Fez try to smack each other with the poles, so one of them would fall into the mud. The teams cheer.
NINA (stopping to talk to Fez): Oh, I forgot to tell you, we’re going antiquing all weekend!
FEZ: Oh like hell we are! Fez smashes Nina on the head and she falls face forward into the mud.
The guys roar and the gals (plus Jamie Farr) look disappointed.
END FANTASY SEQUENCE
FEZ: I hate antiquing, let’s do this thing!
Fez stands up.
ERIC (points victoriously at Fez): That right! Gentlemen, let’s go get our cojones back!
RED (leaves after the guys): I gotta see this.
HYDE (to Kelso who is just about to sit down): Hey, man, you’re coming?
KELSO: Nah, I still got my cojones. (to himself) My lonely, lonely cojones.
The guys come into the kitchen where the girls are sharing some brownies.
DONNA: Oh, look who it is, you bake a brownie and the bastards come running.
ERIC: I’m afraid your brownies are powerless now. (To Fez) Fez has something to say. Fez.
FEZ (with angry energy): Can I have a brownie!
FEZ: Right, right, right… (goes for the rehearsed speech) Nina, I insist you wear a red sticker because I’m in charge.
NINA: Yeah, it’s not going to happen.
FEZ: Okay. (smiles to Nina)
ERIC (to Fez): Man, what the hell!
FEZ (in a silent voice to Eric): I have needs. (Turns back to face Nina.) Nina, I f I do everything you want, will you be my girlfriend?
NINA (looks happily at her gal-comrades before answering): Can’t say no to that!
FEZ: I can not believe it! I have a girlfriend!
They kiss and Nina leads Fez to the screen-door.
FEZ: So when do we do it?
KITTY (stands up and walks past Red): I’m not speaking to you.
RED (looks content after she has left the room): Well at least it will be quiet enough to go to sleep.
ERIC: OK, Donna, when we came up here, Fez was supposed to, (turns around, waiting to see Donna, but she is not in the room.) Donna? Oh, crap
Eric leaves. Jackie gets up and walks to Hyde.
JACKIE: Hey, Steven…remember how you said that I was bossy. Weeell, I think you were right. So from now on, if I want you to do something , I’ll ask first.
HYDE: Well, I’d…
JACKIE (interrupting): Shhh, I’m talking! (realizing her mistake she covers her mouth with her hands) Oooh! I’m so sorry, there I go again. OK, here’s what I wanted to say: Would you like to go with me to the Girlscout Alumni Pancake Breakfast?
HYDE: Jackie, I rather put on a dress and slow-dance with Kelso on Soul Train. (pauses) But since you asked nicely, I’ll go.
JACKIE (clapping her hands): Yay! Oh, a, Steven, don’t forget to bring a spatula, because I signed you up as a flipper!
Jackie rushes away.
HYDE (yelling after her): Hey, the flipper better be the guy that judges the Alumni bikini contest! (Turns around, annoyed) It’s not.
Donna is there. Eric walks in.
DONNA: Wait, let me guess… Laser Floyd, Laser Floyd, arboretum, dinner roll, Laser Floyd.
ERIC: Yeah, listen…
DONNA: No, you listen. I don’t know what’s wrong with you, if it genetic of if you took a pill form your mother’s cabinet, but I’m through doing stuff for you because you don’t appreciate it.
ERIC: Wow-o, wait, you’re doing stuff for me?
DONNA (surprised): Yeah, I went to that dinner-party to make you mother happy, and I went to the arboretum because you wanted to.
ERIC: I wanted to? All I said was "look, the arboretum".
DONNA: It sounded like you wanted to go. I hate trees! I mean, oh, show me trees, does that sound like me?
Donna sits down.
ERIC: No. (he sits down too) Look, I’m sorry. I just…I thought you gonna make me do girlie crap for the rest of my life.
DONNA: Eric, come on, you know me way better than that.
ERIC: Yeah, you’re right. So, would you like to go see Laser Floyd next weekend?
DONNA: Oh, we cant, I signed us up for this class. "Quilting for couples".
Eric looks shocked.
DONNA (laughs): I’m kidding!
Eric is relieved.
DONNA (stops laughing): It’s just for men. (continues her laugh)
Red is daydreaming on the sofa.
Kelso is again a show host and Red stands smiling happily besides him.
KELSO:… and the canoeing-champion for this years Battle of the Network Stars is Red Forman!
Jamie Farr gives him the trophy.
RED: I want to give special thanks to Ed Asner: thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where’s your spunk now, you big pansy?
Balloons fall on them.