Ce script VO a été migré dans le guide de l'épisode.
(Forman kitchen, right where we last left off. Kelso has just spotted Jackie and Hyde.)
KELSO: (Chuckles) Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? (Eric and Donna stay silent with sympathetic looks on their faces.) What the hell? He's dead.
(Kelso storms to the door and tries to open it but can't as Jackie and Hyde leave together.)
KELSO: Open, damn it! No, they're getting away! What is wrong with this thing?
ERIC: Well, this is against my better judgment, but… (He reaches over and flips the lock).
KELSO: Thank you. Now, Hyde's really dead. (He walks through the door but runs into the screen and stops as it falls through the framing.) Ow! That's invisible!
(Forman kitchen where we last left off. Eric guides Kelso to sit down at the table then turns to Donna.)
ERIC: Donna, we have to stabilize him. We're gonna need pudding and lots of it.
(Donna nods and walks to the fridge.)
KELSO: Who chooses a chick over a friend?
ERIC: What? Kelso, come on. Remember when you made me walk home in a blizzard because you wanted ten extra minutes to make out with Pam Macy?
KELSO: No, but I didn't steal Pam Macy from you, and you could've played in the snow until we were done.
DONNA: Kelso, try to look at the facts. Jackie wanted to get married, so you bailed, so she found someone else, so now she doesn't want to marry you. This solves your problem. Albeit with an unpleasant twist ending.
KELSO: No, I don't care. I'm kicking Hyde's ass.
ERIC: Whoa, Kelso, Kelso, come on. You couldn't open my kitchen door. I mean…
DONNA: Seriously. Think about how this plan usually turns out.
(Forman basement, Kelso spits a wad of gum out into Hyde's hair. Hyde grabs him around the neck and pulls him down onto the couch backwards.)
KELSO: Aah! (Hyde grabs Kelso's head.) Unh! That's my eye!
(Forman porch by the driveway. Hyde walks out of the kitchen with a plate of food.)
HYDE: Heh, heh, heh! Nice. (He sets the food down on the railing and walks back in the kitchen for a moment. Kelso takes the opportunity and licks everything on the plate.)
(Hyde comes back out with a glass of milk and notices what Kelso's doing and grabs him in a headlock. They wrestle a bit.)
KELSO: Ow! My eye! (He storms home.)
(Forman driveway. Hyde is waxing the El Camino. He walks into the garage for a moment. Kelso stands up and pulls his pants down and sits on the hood of the car, leaving a butt print. Hyde comes out and sees it.)
KELSO: (Running and laughing.) No, stop! It's my butt print. Look at it! No two are the same-ow! (Hyde tackles Kelso.) My eye!
(Forman kitchen, back in the current time.)
KELSO: What am I supposed to do? I mean, he broke the code. He's wrong.
DONNA: You know what? You're right.
KELSO: He's like my oldest friend, and he stabbed me in the back.
(Donna smiles and hands him the large bowl of pudding. He takes it and begins eating it.)
DONNA: (sits down.) So, Kelso, how many things around here have you put your butt on?
KELSO: Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on.
(Forman kitchen, Red is sitting at the table, Kitty's at the phone, and Hyde and Eric are at the counter.)
KITTY: Oh, just a moment. Red, it's somebody about buying the Corvette.
ERIC: (in a wussy English accent) Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male of the herd grunt his displeasure. But what does it mean?
HYDE: The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.
RED: Idiots. I am about to sell something special to me because we're having another baby, and to do that, I have to believe that this child won't turn out a smart ass. (The boys walk to the table and sit down. Red picks up the receiver.) Hello. Yes. Don't call here again. (He slams the receiver down and walks back to the table with Kitty following him.)
KITTY: Well, what happened?
RED: Oh, the guy sounded like he was eating. I don't want some fat bastard eating in my car.
KITTY: Anyway, I'm going to the doctor's this afternoon (continues in singsong voice) because I'm pregnant! (She points at Eric.) Oh, oh, and you're picking your grandparents up from the airport. I'm going to tell them that (continues in singsong voice) I'm pregnant!
RED: They get in from Phoenix at 5:00. You know, I was hoping when they moved to Arizona they'd get lost in the desert. (Kitty looks at him unamused.)
HYDE: What's wrong with Mrs. Forman's parents.
KITTY: Nothing. They're just-they're…very complicated people who can't be summed up in a couple of words.
ERIC: Grandma yells. Grandpa drinks.
RED: That pretty much summed it up.
KITTY: Now, that is not true. My father is a wonderful man who just gets a little sleepy. And my mother, well…fine, is a little remote. Which, I have learned through many helpful books, makes it impossible for her to say "I love you." Even if it's the only thing in the world a sad little girl needs to hear. (She turns to Eric.) And which is why I say it to you every day. Eric, I love you. (She hugs him and gives him a kiss as Hyde laughs. She turns to him.) And you, too, Steven. I love you! (She gives him a hug and kiss, too.)
HYDE: Yeah, no, that's okay, you don't have to-no, that's all right-ok, I love you, too!
(Forman basement, Eric and Donna sit next to each other on the couch and Hyde sits on the opposite arm of the couch.)
KELSO: I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
ERIC: We…barely knew.
DONNA: Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.
ERIC: Like radioactive spiders.
KELSO: Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?
(Kitty and Fez walk down the stairs.)
KITTY: Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.
KELSO: What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!
FEZ: I know. I'm really coming into my own.
KELSO: Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me.
DONNA: How are you gonna do that?
KELSO: By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be.
KITTY: I'm gonna go find an eye patch. (She runs up the stairs. Fez sits down in Hyde's chair.)
ERIC: So what are you gonna say?
KELSO: Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
DONNA: Don't you think you should plan it out a little?
KELSO: Does an astronaut plan out his missions?
FEZ: What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded?
KELSO: Oh, you just wait and see.
(Hyde walks in and Kelso gets up out of the chair and clears his throat.)
HYDE: What's up?
KELSO: That's an interesting question, *Hyde*. What *is* up?
HYDE: Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie.
KELSO: Aha! So the battle of wits has begun!
HYDE: What battle of wits? I admit it. I'm messing around with Jackie.
KELSO: I hate you! (He runs at Hyde, who dodges and knocks him into the speaker.) Ow! My eye! (He storms out of the basement and Hyde turns to the others.)
(The vista cruiser, Burt and Bea are in the front seat with Burt driving. Eric and Donna are in the back seat.)
DONNA: Thanks again for the dream catchers.
BURT: A blind Indian with three fingers made those. It was quite a thing to watch.
ERIC: Wow, I wonder if him being blind had something to do with the losing the fingers.
BEA: Actually, I think they were taken as part of a primitive manhood ritual.
DONNA: So, Eric, I kind of like your grandparents. What were you so worried about?
ERIC: Wait for it.
BEA: Burt, Sweetie, I think that car's trying to pass. Why don't you move over?
BURT: Oh, he's fine.
BEA: Honey, I really think you should move over.
BURT: Sweetie, he can go around.
BEA: (yelling) Move!
BURT: I'm moving.
(Donna looks at Eric with a wary expression. He gives her an "I told you so" look.)
(Pinciotti kitchen. Donna is making a sandwich and Jackie is watching her.)
DONNA: And when he saw you guys kissing, he just fell apart. I mean, it was awful. And then he ran into the screen door.
JACKIE: Ohh. He's just so bad at doors.
DONNA: Look… if you don't work things out with Kelso everybody's gonna choose sides and nobody's gonna be friends anymore. (They walk to the table; Donna's carrying two sandwiches and places them down onto the table.)
JACKIE: Well, that's not my fault. Look, he deserted me. He broke my heart. I didn't do anything wrong.
DONNA: (she pulls two cans of soda from the fridge.) You're dating his best friend! You've gotta talk to him. You owe him an explanation.
JACKIE: Ugh! That's just so not the way I wanted to spend the day.
DONNA: Well, I didn't want to spend the day wiping tears and pudding off of Kelso's cheek.
(Forman living room. Red is in his chair, Bea and Eric on the couch, and Burt at the bar with a full glass of scotch.)
BEA: Burt, honey, why don't you come over and sit with us?
BURT: I'm fine here.
BEA: We'd really like it if you would sit and join the party.
BURT: I'm part of the party right here.
BEA: (Yells) Sit!
(Everyone jumps and Burt sits down next to Eric. There is an awkward silence.)
RED: So, Burt, you're looking fit.
BURT: Dry heat and central air, that's the key.
BURT: I've even got an air-conditioned garage. We could go from the house to the car without ever feeling the heat.
ERIC: Wow. They literally never have to breathe fresh air, wow!
BEA: Who needs it?
RED: Yep. Well, those are some real nice sandals, Burt. Hardly ever see those on men.
BEA: Also made by the handicapped Indian. What spirit.
(Kitty walks in from the kitchen and stops when she sees her family.)
KITTY: Oh, um, everybody's here. (Everyone stands up.) Hello, mom, daddy.
RED: Kitty, tell everyone your wonderful news. Quick.
KITTY: Um, I'd really rather not right now, Red.
BEA: But that's why were here.
ERIC: Yeah, for the love of God, mom, tell them.
KITTY: No, I said not right now.
RED: Kitty, they came all this way.
ERIC: Yeah, come on.
KITTY: Fine. You want to hear the big news? The doctor told me I started menopause.
BEA: Kitty! Language!
RED: You're not pregnant?
KITTY: No, no, just barren. Talk about that. (She storms out of the room. And Red goes after her.)
(Forman Kitchen. Kitty is making cookies and Red and Eric are watching her, unsure of what to do.)
ERIC: Mom, I'm really sorry. I knew you wanted a baby, but I'm not really sure what to say, I'm not really sure what menopause is. Are you gonna, like, lose your hair?
(Kitty glares at him.)
RED: Shut up. She's not losing anything. This just means-from time to time-a woman's body-ahem! Kitty, explain it to the boy.
(Kitty glares at him and Bea walks in.)
BEA: I'm just getting some juice.
ERIC: Hey, mom. Maybe you should talk to grandma about this.
RED: Well, that's an idea. I mean, we're just ignoramuses.
KITTY: Ok, ok, scoot.
(Red and Eric walk to the door.)
ERIC: Is it-is it like a lady parts thing?
RED: We'll look it up in the world book.
BEA: Oh, those cookies look good.
KITTY: Well, thanks. I'm sorry I made a scene.
BEA: Oh, you were just tired.
KITTY: No, I wasn't just tired. Mom, I'm having a really hard time here. Did it hit you this hard, too?
BEA: Did what, Dear?
BEA: Oh! I never had it.
KITTY: Mom, everybody has it.
BEA: Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables.
KITTY: You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.
BEA: Well, I didn't.
KITTY: Yes, you did!
BEA: Well, it doesn't matter, because it's not nice to talk about.
KITTY: Well, not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why don't you ever really talk to me?
BEA: I told you I liked your cookies. I'm gonna find your father. (She walks out the sliding door and yells.) Burt!
BURT: (Peeking into the kitchen.) Is she gone?
KITTY: You know, that woman is crazy.
BURT: Your mother just doesn't know how to talk to people. If she yells at you, she really means that she's sorry you're upset. And if she breaks all your golf clubs, she really means "Happy Anniversary."
KITTY: Oh, daddy, I love you. (She gives him a hug, which he returns.)
BURT: I love you, pumpkin, and so does your mother.
BEA: (Yelling from outside.) Burt!
BURT: You never saw me. (He leaves the kitchen via the living room door.)
(Forman basement. Fez and Donna are sitting on the couch and Hyde is putting a record on the record player. Kelso storms in wearing ski goggles. He grabs the record out of Hyde's hands and throws it across the room.)
KELSO: Try to get my eye now! (Hyde looks at him a moment then kicks his knee.) Aah!
(A few minutes later Kelso is laying across the couch with Hyde sitting on his back, pinning him down.)
KELSO: Hyde, get off!
HYDE: Not until you calm down!
FEZ: (Gives Kelso a wet willy.) Ahh! A wet one!
KELSO: Fez, I'm gonna get free eventually, and I'm gonna kick your ass.
(Fez gives him another wet willy.)
HYDE: Kelso, look, man, we need to settle this.
KELSO: No, I don't want to settle this. I don't want to talk about it. All I want to do is pound you so you can feel as bad as I do!
HYDE: (Thinks about it and stands up.) Fine. Fair enough. Go ahead and hit me. A free shot.
KELSO: You gonna hit me back?
HYDE: No, man. That's why they call it a free shot.
KELSO: Oh. Ok. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready.
FEZ: We're ready! Do it, fool!
KELSO: You know what? Forget it. It's not gonna change anything. I just…forget it. (He sits down on the couch.)
HYDE: Look, Kelso…I didn't plan for this, but…look, I'm sorry, ok? I'm-I'm really sorry.
FEZ & DONNA: Aww!
HYDE: Would you get bent?
KELSO: So what are we gonna do now?
DONNA: I'll tell you what you guys are gonna do. You two are gonna shake hands, and you're gonna be done with it.
DONNA: Come on. Give it a try. Shake hands.
KELSO: I don't wanna.
DONNA: (Yells.) Shake!
(Everyone jumps and Kelso and Hyde shake hands half-heartedly.)
(Forman porch between kitchen and driveway. Kelso has an ice pack on his eye and is pouting. Jackie walks up.)
KELSO: Well, well. Look who it is.
JACKIE: Ugh. Look, Michael, I'm glad I found you. How's your eye?
KELSO: What do you care?
JACKIE: Ok, look, Michael, I know we should've told you sooner, but I'm not gonna say I'm sorry, because I wanted you, and you left and broke my heart. And I like Steven now, so you need to get over it so we can be friends again.
KELSO: Apology accepted.
JACKIE: (Grabs the ice pack.) Here, let me help you. (She reapplies the pack to the sore area.)
KELSO: Ow! My eye.
(Red and Kitty's bedroom. Kitty is putting curlers in her hair and Red enters.)
RED: Hey. How you doing?
KITTY: Oh, great. It's so nice to no longer be a woman.
RED: Kitty, that's not true. You know I've been-I've been trying to think what I could do to make you feel better, and I finally came up with something. (He sits down next to Kitty.) I sent your parents home early.
KITTY: That kind of helps. I just-I really wanted to be pregnant.
RED: You know what the real kicker is? This morning, when we thought you were still pregnant, I sold my Corvette.
(Kitty looks at him and begins laughing hysterically. She gives him a hug.)
(Forman living room. Red and Eric are sitting on the couch looking at the World Book.)
ERIC: "Memorial day, meningitis-" Ok, here we go. "Menopause."
RED: Good God. I didn't think they'd have pictures.
ERIC: Well…at least they use the word "uterus" a lot.
RED: I could've gone a whole lifetime without knowing they had a mucus membrane.
ERIC: You know, you just-you can't unlearn something like that, you know? Oh, no, look at the symptoms. "Temperamental behavior, mood swings, facial hair." Uh-oh, dad…I think you have menopause.
(Red shoots annoyed looks at Eric.)
(Vista Cruiser, Eric is driving, Burt is next to him in the front seat. Donna and Bea are in the back seat.)
DONNA: Hey, Eric, can you hand me a cookie?
ERIC: Um, I can't reach while I'm driving.
DONNA: Come on, please? Just one cookie.
ERIC: Just wait till I stop.
DONNA: (Yells.) Cookie!
(Eric reaches down and hands her a cookie.)
BEA: You know, Donna, you catch more flies with sugar. Right, Burt?
(Burt snores, faking sleeping. Everyone looks at him.)
END OF SHOW