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Hyde and Fez are sitting in he basement. Jackie comes in
JACKIE: Okay, boys. I brought cheese samples from work.
HYDE: What's wrong with them?
JACKIE: Nothing. Well, they were in the trash.
FEZ: Hand it over.
KELSO (coming in): Hey. You know how my brother locks me in the closet with a pillowcase full of dead fish until the stink makes me cry? Well, while I was in there, I heard him make a phone call. And it seems that he's got a little surprise for Donna tonight the honeymoon suite at that French motel in Kenosha.
JACKIE: The Le Motel?
FEZ: Oh, no, it sounds like Donna and Casey are going to le do it.
KELSO: Oh, yeah. Eric's gonna freak out when we tell him.
HYDE: And why would we tell him?
KELSO: To watch him freak out.
HYDE: Kelso, he's gonna take it really hard, man. So we just need to keep our mouths shut.
KELSO: Wow. That's very considerate of Eric's feelings. What the hell, man?
HYDE: I just think we all need to zip it, especially you.
FEZ: Hey, I can keep a secret. I didn't tell Kelso you took five bucks from his wallet.
JACKIE: None of you guys can keep a secret.
KELSO: Well, you sure can, especially when it's about you kissing other guys.
JACKIE: Michael, it was one guy from work, and I told you I'm sorry. God, how long are you gonna keep throwing that in my face?
JACKIE: Well, how long are you gonna keep throwing your face in other guys' faces? Wow. That was clever. I think I won that! Yeah!
Fez comes out of the kitchen and walks into Eric
FEZ: Oh, Eric. Let me just say I'm sorry.
ERIC: For what?
FEZ: I can't tell you. Hey but if you were to guess that Casey is taking Donna to a honeymoon suite I'd say, ''Good guess.''
ERIC: Wait. Casey and Donna got a motel room?
FEZ: Yeah, but look at the bright side. Donna and Casey may be doing it but at least they're doing it on a vibrating, heart-shaped bed. If you see what I mean.
ERIC: Well, I do now thanks to your spot-on, detailed description.
FEZ: Oh and there'll probably be a mirror too.
ERIC: Okay thanks, Fez.
FEZ: You know, so they can watch each other.
ERIC: Yeah, I know.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red, Kitty, Bob and Joanne are having drinks
BOB: I'd like to propose a toast. My divorce papers finally came through. To divorce!
KITTY: Oh, no, no. No, no. If you're gonna drink to divorce, drink alone in the dark like regular sad people.
BOB: I'm not sad. I'm happy 'cause now I can do all kinds of things I couldn't do before, like, uh.. Joanne, we could get married.
BOB: Somethin' funny?
JOANNE: Bob, we've never mentioned marriage before. You spring it on me now in front of strangers?
BOB: Oh, excuse me. My mistake, I guess (he gets up and leaves)
JOANNE: I guess I hurt someone's feelings.
KITTY: Well, you certainly did. We are not strangers!
Jackie and Donna are sitting at Donna’s make-up table
JACKIE: So, what are you and Casey doin' tonight?
DONNA: He won't tell me. It's a surprise.
JACKIE: Oh honey, it's blush, not spray paint. A surprise, huh? What if the surprise is something big? Are you ready for it? I mean, how do you really feel about Casey?
DONNA: I don't know.
JACKIE: Well, how do you feel about his hair?
DONNA: Love it. Lots of body.
JACKIE: And his body?
DONNA: Love it. Lots of hair.
JACKIE: How about his car?
DONNA: I love it. Trans Ams kick ass.
JACKIE: So hair, body and car. The big three... the Holy Trinity of Love. Okay, I think you're ready for your big surprise.
DONNA: Jackie, what is this big surprise?
JACKIE: All I can tell you is definitely... definitely shave those legs.
FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE
ERIC: Well, I called the Le Motel. Fez, you were right. Casey has a reservation for tonight.
FEZ: And, Hyde, you were right. I cannot keep a secret.
KELSO: Speaking of secrets, look what I found in Jackie's cheese. Some guy Phil's phone number. I-I can't take this anymore. I just know it, Hyde. She's cheatin' on me again.
HYDE: Kelso, don't jump to conclusions. Maybe I don't care. Forman, man, you gotta be cool about this Donna thing or she's gonna know you're jealous. You can't be all Simon and Garfunkely. You gotta get Bruce Springsteeny. Springsteenian. Springsteenicious. Wait. What are we talking about?
ERIC: Whoa. Hey, you guys, I'm not jealous. I'm just looking out for her. I mean, Donna's practically a sister to me. A tall, shapely sister... who I've done it with... about a million times.
HYDE: Look, maybe Donna and Casey won't even do it tonight. I'd call it 50 - 50.
ERIC: You would?
HYDE: Oh, I'd be wrong. But I'd call it that to keep you from doing somethin' stupid.
KELSO: Forman, you gotta do somethin' stupid. Sittin' around feeling helpless all day… That isn't healthy. That's why I'm gonna stalk Jackie.
FEZ: You know, I really love things with holes. Swiss cheese, doughnuts, inner tubes. I don't know what it is about a hole. It just feels good.
Jackie is on her bed reading and listening to some music. The phone rings
KELSO: Is Phil there?
KELSO: Phil! Some guy you kissed! I found his number in your cheese!
JACKIE: Michael, Phil's the guy who delivers the sausage.
KELSO: You tramp!
JACKIE: No, idiot. He brings food to our store. He's our sausage guy.
KELSO: Tramp! Wait… Who's that singing? Who's singing love songs to you?
JACKIE: Peter Frampton.
KELSO: Are you kissing him?
She hangs up. The phone rings again. She picks it up
KELSO: Are you sure?
She hangs up again. It rings, she picks up
FEZ (with Kelso listening too): Hello, this is Norman. Shall we kiss?
Red is in the kitchen, eating from the snacks. Kitty walks in
KITTY: Okay, Red, what Bob needs right now is a good friend. And since I don't know where we're gonna find one, you need to talk to him.
KITTY: Or you can talk to Joanne.
RED: I'll take Bob (he sees Bob sulking in the driveway) I'll take Joanne.
Eric walks through the hallway and knocks on the door of a suite
ERIC: Donna, I have to talk to you! (the door opens, we see Leo and some girls) Leo? Have you got Donna in there?
LEO: You know, I didn't think to ask.
ERIC; Look, I have to find Donna. Casey's gonna surprise her with the honeymoon suite. And I know Donna. She's not gonna like that kind of surprise. So she'll probably be looking for an out, so I'm here to rescue her. Kind of like Luke did with Leia in Star Wars. You know ''I'm here to rescue you!''
LEO: The other honeymoon suite's across the hall, man. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a game of Twister I gotta stretch for.
He turns around and want to knock on the door of number 110. He hears Donna laughing
DONNA (inside): Casey, check it out. They have tiny soaps.
ERIC: What am I doing?
He sits down in the hallway. Later we see him talking to Leo
ERIC: I couldn't do it, Leo. Donna's havin' a good time. She doesn't wanna be rescued. But you know what? The thing is, I still wanna go in there and stop everything, you know? I didn't come here for her. I came here for me.
LEO: That's a huge dilemma, man. But you know what you really gotta ask yourself? Is there anybody who's not in a motel room with three women that you could tell this to?
Leo goes back into his room. Eric leaves.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red is sitting next to Joanne
RED: Okay, here's the thing. Bob really likes you. Why? Who knows? But that's America. Any kook can have any damn fool idea he wants.
JOANNE: Look, I haven't had good luck with marriage. When my first husband and I were dating, he was great. But as soon as I married him, he turned into... well, something like you.
RED: Well, I don't know what kind of crap your ex-husband used to pull but whatever it was, Bob doesn't have it in him. He's just a nice, loyal guy with a big heart. He's perfect for a pushy gal like you.
JOANNE: Well, he does have a big heart. And we do go well together. You know, Red, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a good guy.
RED: Well, if I didn't know any better, I'd think I cared.
Hyde, Fez and Kelso are eating cheese
FEZ: The red cheese is chewy.
HYDE: The red cheese is wax.
ERIC (storming in): Oh. Hey, guess what, fellas? Turns out I still have feelings for Donna. Yeah. Deep feelings. warm feelings. Tingly-in-the-pants feelings. And I can't do anything about it, because she has those feelings for someone else.
KELSO: I think that admitting that you still love Donna is an important step because it reopens the door for this: (singsong voice) Eric loves Donna! Eric loves Donna!
ERIC: Look, you guys, I don't love her. I just think that if she's not with me the fairest thing for everyone is if she's alone and unhappy.
KELSO: No! That is a bad plan, man. 'Cause if you leave a chick alone, the next thing you know she's lickin' the roof of some other guy's mouth. Like the cheese guy. I hate that guy!
FEZ: But you love his cheese. See, this is just like a Southern tragedy. Tennessee Williams, but with cheese. I'm taking advanced English.
KELSO: Oh man, I gotta go to the mall. I'm late to stalk Jackie.
ERIC: I just... I can't believe Donna's in a motel room with him right now.
HYDE: Man, I don't like it either. But there is one thing you can do. I believe you have a stack of Playboys underneath your bed. Go use 'em.
Kitty is talking to Bob
KITTY: Okay, Bob, I think the problem is that Joanne thinks you're moving just a little too fast.
BOB: That's just who I am. I do everything fast. I run fast. I drive fast. I eat fast.
KITTY: Okay, what happens when you eat fast?
BOB: I get gassy.
KITTY: Right. Okay well, a relationship works the same way. When it grows too fast, it… it gets gassy too. And… And… And then the bad thing happens and people leave the room.
BOB: Wow. A lot of people have told me to slow down but nobody ever said it in a way that spoke to me.
Red and Joanne walk out
JOANNE: Hi, Bob.
BOB: Hey, Joanne.
KITTY: Oh okay, well, we'll just, um... We'll leave you two alone.
Red and Kitty walk in
KITTY: Okay, well, there will be no more marriage talk from Bob.
RED: What? There'd better be. She's expecting it!
KITTY: Oh, crap!
RED: Lock the doors!
KITTY: I'm on it!
Jackie is working. Kelso is sneaking up on her, hiding behind a magazine
JACKIE: Michael! What are you doing? What, are you spying on me now?
KELSO: No! Okay, fine. Yeah, I'm spying on you 'cause you're around strange guys all day and apparently, every once in a while, you up and French one of 'em.
JACKIE: Michael, go home. This is a place of business. And if you don't have any business, you're not welcome at the mall.
Later, we see Jackie handing out cheese. She talks to a man and Kelso drives by on the kiddie train
KELSO: Stay away from my girlfriend!
JACKIE: Michael, what are you doing?
KELSO: Well, I can be at the mall now, 'cause I got business. Train business.
JACKIE: You have lost your mind!
KELSO: Yep, and I don't miss it!
JACKIE: Michael, look at you, riding around on a kiddie train so you can spy on me. I mean, do you not see how crazy this is?
KELSO: Well, yeah. But I… I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm a mess. I can't sleep, I can't eat. Well, I can eat. And then when I eat, I get kind of sleepy. But I am really upset!
JACKIE: Look if we're ever gonna get past this, you have to forget about that stupid little kiss and just try… try to remember that we love each other.
KELSO: I know.
JACKIE: So can we please, please just finally move on?
KELSO: I wanna say yes, but it's like we're on this track and we keep going around in circles like some kind of... some kind of... I don't know. I lost my train of thought.
Eric is in the basement watching TV. Donna storms in
DONNA: Okay, Forman, what were you doing at the Le Motel last night? And don't say you weren't there, because Leo saw you.
ERIC; Wait, wait. Leo thinks he saw me at the Le Motel?
DONNA: Cut the crap, Eric. You know Casey and I had a room last night so you went there and you pulled the fire alarm all night until we left.
ERIC: Fire alarm? I didn't… I didn't pull... Wait. You guys left? So you guys didn't…
DONNA: No! We spent all night in the parking lot with Leo and his hooty mamas. Eric, what were you even doing at the motel?
ERIC: I don't know. I just.. I was fine, right? I mean, we were friends, and that was cool. And now, Donna, all of a sudden it's like the day after we broke up all over again, and... Look, I'm sorry, but when I knew you were gonna be with Casey, I just... I felt... Whatever.
DONNA: No, I get it. Remember when you wanted to date other people, and I was so cool about it? Well, I wasn't. It like, broke my heart.
ERIC: So what did you do?
DONNA: Well, I didn't know what to do. So, I just, you know...
ERIC: Right. Casey. Right. Hey look, from now on, I'm gonna stay out of your business. I promise.
DONNA: Thank you.
ERIC: But before that promise goes into effect I would like it duly noted for the record that I think Casey's all wrong for you and I think you guys are moving way too fast.
DONNA: Duly noted. And I'll stay out of your business too.
ERIC: Okay. Good. So I better, uh, drum me up some business, huh?
Donna hugs him
Hyde is sleeping in his bed. Eric walks in
ERIC: Still sleepin', huh? Gosh. Pulling fire alarms all night must really wear you out. That's right. I'm on to you, buddy. You did a nice thing, and I'm tellin' everybody.
HYDE: Oh man, I didn't do it to be nice. I did it because I always wanted to commit a felony. Misdemeanors just ain't the rush they used to be.
ERIC: Well, all I hear is ''I love you, I love you, I love you.''