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The gang is hanging near the Vista Cruiser. Kelso comes running up
KELSO: Hey, guys. It is literally a million degrees out. I'm wearing shorts in January! Have you ever seen prettier legs on a fella?
JACKIE: Michael, we'll admire your legs later. Snow Prom is tomorrow. We need to keep up our campaign for Snow Queen and Snow King.
KELSO: Jackie, I did campaign. I wrote our names all over the place.
ERIC: Kelso, you peed in the snow.
KELSO: In cursive! It was awesome.
JACKIE: Okay look, you may not take this seriously, but I do. I used to be a rich, popular girl. But now that my dad has cut me off, I'm not rich so I have to be twice as popular.
DONNA: Okay, maybe you should spend less time worrying about being popular and more time being thoughtful, friendly, considerate.
JACKIE: Okay, can I get a translation because that was gibberish. Come on, Michael (they leave)
DONNA: Hey you know what? We should all go to Snow Prom together, in one car all of us hanging out, laughing, driving. Whoo-hoo! Good times.
ERIC: You need a ride, don't you?
DONNA: I so do. Pick me up at the radio station (she leaves)
HYDE: All right. We'll all go together.
ERIC: Whoa. Whoa. Hyde, you're going to a school dance? You're going to stink bomb the teachers' lounge, aren't you? I want in!
HYDE: No, man, kid stuff. See, during the dance, I'm going to throw a party in Coach Ferguson's office. I'm bringing my best stuff.
FEZ: A party with your best stuff? Are you saying what I think you're saying?
HYDE: You know it.
FEZ: Oh boy, you have a pinata?
Eric and Hyde are at the prom
ERIC: It's weird. I feel like I'm forgetting something. I've got my watch, my wallet, my who-am-I-kidding condom.
HYDE: Yeah sounds like you got everything, except for a tall redhead.
ERIC; Yeah. What man doesn't love a tall red... Oh, my God, Donna! I forgot Donna (he leaves)
Hyde is discovered by coach Ferguson
COACH: Mr. Hyde? In school after hours? What, are you trying to establish an alibi?
HYDE: Coach Ferguson, shouldn't you be on the football field teaching boys to play with balls?
COACH: Don't push my buttons, wiseacre. (he leaves)
HYDE: And there he goes. I think now is a good time to go fumigate his office.
PRINCIPAL: Oh. I have exciting news for you two. Michael, you have been elected Snow King.
PRINCIPAL: And Jackie, you are the new Snow Queen runner-up!
JACKIE: Oh, my God! This is the happiest day of my life! Wait, runner-up? (pokes him) How could that be? (pokes him) There's been a mistake! It was fixed! (pokes him)
PRINCIPAL: You poke me one more time, I'm gonna paddle you.
KELSO: That'd be hot (Jackie pokes him)
A teacher whispers something in the principal's ear
PRINCIPAL: I-I have a serious announcement. A tornado warning has been issued. I'm told it's code red. I don't know the codes, but red sounds serious (he leaves)
JACKIE: Michael, this is my worst nightmare.
KELSO: A tornado is your worst nightmare? Mine's monsters.
JACKIE: How could I be runner-up? If I'm not a rich, popular girl, I'm nothing. I'm like Donna.
KELSO: No Jackie, you are the girlfriend to the Snow King. Now, as Snow King, I must lead my people to safety. All right, everyone! Everyone, follow me! (he opens a door, al LOT of balls fall out) Remain calm, people! These are just sports balls! Everyone grab a ball!
THE VISTA CRUISER
Eric is in the Vista Cruiser, listening to a cassette. He has no idea the tornado passes behind him. When he stops the music and looks behind him, the tornado has passed
ERIC: All right.
He turns the music on again and the tornado is now right behind his xcar
Red is in Hyde's chair. Bob and Joanne are on the couch. Kitty walks up with some snacks
ERIC: Now, I'm just so worried about Eric. A tornado in January?
RED: Yeah, life's full of surprises. Like these two showing up 'cause they don't have a basement. Surprise!
JOANNE: Gee Red, you seem grouchy. Surprise!
KITTY: Red, if Eric gets caught in a tornado, he'll get blown to Canada. He's very light.
RED: Kitty, the gym is the town's bomb shelter. He'll be fine. I just hope he's not crying. Everybody knows he's my kid.
KITTY: Okay, you're right. Eric's fine. Let's just talk about something else.
BOB: Ooh! You know, Joanne taught me a lot about lady orgasms. They've been around longer than I thought.
KITTY: Okay, so talking's bad. I know, charades!
RED: No, thanks.
JOANNE: What are you, chicken?
RED: Did you just call me chicken? That's it. Move the couch, Kitty. She's going down.
It's dark. Hyde comes in and sits in the coach's chair. He puts his feet up, and just when he wants to light up...
COACH (turning the light on): Busted, hophead.
Kelso puts on the light, we see a lot of students making out
KELSO: People of the make-out stairwell this is your Snow King speaking.
FEZ: Boo! Hit the lights, fool!
KELSO: No, th-there's a tornado. Everyone go to the gym. The Snow King has spoken! (they throw stuff at him) All right. That's gross. Who threw the retainer? (he leaves)
RHONDA: Oh my God, Fez! A tornado? This changes everything. This could be our last night here on earth.
FEZ: Oh, no. I'm going to die a virgin.
RHONDA: Not if I have anything to say about it.
FEZ: You can talk all you want, but there's a tornado coming.
RHONDA: Fez, I mean, let's do it.
FEZ: It? ''It'' it? All right! (he runs off, then comes back) I'm going to need you.
Donna is waiting. Eric comes in
DONNA: Eric, you're here!
ERIC: Donna, look, I'm sorry I'm late. I really did want to pick you up before the dance. So it's no big deal, really.
DONNA: No big deal? It's a huge deal. I was in back filing records, and suddenly everyone was gone, and I was stuck here alone. And you risked the tornado for me (she hugs him)
ERIC: Tornado? What tornado... could stop me from helping you? So uh, tell me, um, is the tornado, like, um- like, out there?
DONNA: Yeah. They say it's a biggie.
DONNA: Eric, are you okay?
ERIC: Sure. Uh, it's just that now that I know you're okay I can finally start worrying about me. And see, the thing about me is... (the lights go off) I don't want to die!!
ERIC: So, what to do? Let's see, there's you, there's me, candlelight. You know, back in the old days we would have...
DONNA: We're not doing that.
ERIC: Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. So quick to dismiss the thing you once ached for.
DONNA: You mean, cheese sticks?
ERIC: If you want to call it that, sure.
Kitty is dancing
RED: Gyrating. Ehh, twisting. Uh... Hips! You make me feel like hips!
BOB: Uh, time! We win.
KITTY: I was dancing! ''You make me feel like hips''?
RED: It could have been a song.
JOANNE: Is it hard to lose, Red? 'Cause you make it look so easy.
Hyde and the coach are talking
COACH: You're in big trouble, bud.
HYDE: You should suspend me. I need a vacation.
KELSO (coming in): A tornado's coming. It's code red. You know what that means. I think it's serious.
COACH: A tornado? Deadly spirals of wind really freak me out.
HYDE: All right, Coach Girlie. Calm down.
COACH: I can't die yet! There's so much I haven't experienced.
HYDE: I bet I know one thing you haven't experienced...
COACH's OFFICE – THE CIRCLE
COACH: Tornadoes get a bad rap, man. It's not like the Wizard of Oz. I mean, where are the midgets? I bet I could bench, like ten midgets.
HYDE: Hey, look at all the stuff you confiscated. Mine. Mine. Ooh, la, la. Mine now (he shows a nudie mag)
JACKIE: Why am I not Snow Queen? For the last two weeks, I was nice to everybody. Well, maybe not the A.V. Club, but I mean, come on.
KELSO: Jackie, you can't just be nice for two weeks. You have to be nice all the time. Or very handsome. Oh, my banana nose! (he puts it on) Oh. I thought this was gone forever. Ha. It's still funny!
JACKIE: Maybe Donna was right. Maybe being popular isn't as important as being nice to people. I mean, I know that sounds wrong, but anything's possible.
KELSO: Hey Jackie, whatever makes you feel better about being a loser (she squirt water on him) Hey, watch the banana nose!
COACH: Hey Hyde, when this is all over, you think we'll still be friends?
HYDE: Well, my head says no, but my heart... says no. So, no. I wonder what Donna and Forman are doing right now.
RADIO STATION – THE CIRCLE
DONNA: This is the best tornado ever!
ERIC: I know! And who better to be stuck here with than America's most beloved rock band adies and gentlemen, Aerosmith!
CARDBOARD STEVE TYLER (with Eric's voice): Hey, as rock legends, we've had some pretty good times. But it doesn't get any better than this. Hello, Wisconsin!
CARDBOARD JOE PERRY (with Eric's voice): Yeah, I dig this joint too. Hello, Wisconsin.
DONNA: That was your Aerosmith? You're bad at that. Steven Tyler is way cooler, and Joe Perry is so dreamy. God, you're bad at that!
ERIC: What? That was dead-on! Right, guys?
CARDBOARD STEVE (his own voice); I bought it.
CARDBOARD PERRY (his own voice): You uh, really think I'm dreamy?
DONNA: Whoa. The station manager's stuff is way better than ours.
Jackie is asleep
HYDE: Well, I lived my dream. Let's go.
KELSO: Oh, wait. We can't just leave Jackie here like that.
HYDE: You're right (draws an uni-brow on her) Okay, we're good.
Jackie dreams like the Wizard of Oz. She is Dorothy
JACKIE: Oh, Toto. Losing Snow Queen has left me searching for guidance. Surely, the Wizard of Oz can help.... OH!
KELSO: Oh well Jackie, why'd you make me the Scarecrow? He needs a brain.
JACKIE: No. No, I made you the Scarecrow because you love chasing birds.
KELSO: I do love chasing birds.
HYDE: Is this some kind of joke, 'cause I'm not laughing. Kelso's the Scarecrow? (laughs) Yeah.
FEZ: Look, guys! I'm a bear.
JACKIE: Fez, you're the Cowardly Lion.
FEZ: But I want to be a bear.
KELSO: At least you got a brain.
HDYE: This sucks.
JACKIE: Oh, will everyone just shut up? When it's your dream, you can be whatever you want.
FEZ: I want to be a bear.
DONNA: Jackie, what the hell?
ERIC (laughing): She totally made you a witch. That's so awesome!
DONNA: She made you a flying monkey.
ERIC: What? Oh, crap!
DONNA: Let's kick her ass!
Jackie screams and they chase after her
JACKIE: Miss Wizard, I'm confused. I lost Snow Queen. And now I'm wondering if titles and popularity aren't as important as being a good person.
GLINDA: Well, how do you kno when you're a good person? When everyone likes you, right? When you're popular. And how do you know when you're popular?
JACKIE: Oh, my God! When you win titles like Snow Queen! Winning titles and being a good person are the same thing.
GLINDA: So you go after that title, child.
JACKIE: Oh I will, Miss Wizard. I will.
GLINDA: And remember, if someone calls you shallow, they're just jealous.
Fez and Rhonda have found an abandoned stairwell
FEZ: Ah, our own private stairwell. This is exactly how I pictured losing my virginity except it was on a bed of flowers and there were two of you.
They start to undress
PRINCIPAL: Tornado passed through, is heading to Illinois. Kiss my ass, Chicago! (he leaves)
RHONDA: Oh my God! We're-We're safe. Sex just doesn't seem important anymore.
FEZ (without his shirt): I... I disagree. And... And here's why.
RHONDA: Let's go celebrate with everyone! (she leaves)
FEZ: Oh, you can make a tornado, but you can't let me do it? No, you are not a just God!
They're playing Monopoly
RED (rubbuing the dice): Okay. No six. No six. And... six!
JOANNE: : Look, Park Place.
BOB: Ah, Park Place. Pay up.
KITTY: I told you we shouldn't spend all our money on Marvin Gardens.
RED: Oh and Baltic Avenue was such a help.
KITTY: I bought that with my beauty-contest winnings.
JOANNE: Mmm. Poor Red, losing again. While we have this large housing development that I like to call Joanne Land. Where's Red Land? (mouths I can't see it)
RED: I'll tell you where it is. It's right up your...
KITTY: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Shh.
MAN ON TV: This just in. The National Weather Service has canceled the tornado warning. And updating our top story, a local teen is in critical condition...
Red picks up the Monopoly board
KITTY: Oh, game over. Call it a tie.
BOB: A tie? We had all the money.
RED: So? We had the get-out-of-jail-free card. And you can't put a price on freedom.
KITTY: Night, night! (they leave)
the prom is on again
KELSO: Look Jackie, I know you're upset and I don't know why you're not Snow Queen. But I do know this: I am Snow King. So that's pretty cool.
JACKIE: Michael, I'm not upset. I just had the best dream. And now I've got to campaign for next year. Guys, how's my hair?
KELSO: Yeah, it's fantastic.
FEZ: Wonderful. Wonderful.
Eric and Donna are getting ready to leave
DONNA: This was fun. We haven't just hung out in, like, forever. Plus you're, like, my hero. Most guys would not risk a tornado for an ex-girlfriend.
ERIC: Yeah (they kiss)
ERIC: Yeah well, I just wanted to kiss you before you found out that I went to the dance, forgot you and I didn't know about the tornado. Okay, this was swell.
DONNA: Wait, wait, wait. So, you forgot me?
ERIC: Okay, you're mad.
DONNA: Actually, no. I mean, if we were still dating I'd be super pissed. But we're not, so it's kind of funny.
ERIC: You know what? Let me buy you a burger.
DONNA: I can't believe you totally snaked a kiss under false pretenses.
ERIC: Yeah I'm a little proud of that, yeah.
Hyde is in his chair. Kelso is on the couch. Jackie comes in
JACKIE: Well, I'm a lock for next year. I introduced myself to everyone. And I know they liked me, 'cause they laughed at everything I said. I mean, I even shook hands with that nose-picking, chess-club guy. Ooh, I'd better wash up.
HYDE: You ready?
Jackie screams and Hyde and Kelso run off