Eric and Donna are on the couch
HYDE (coming in): Hey. What are you guys up to?
DONNA: We're spending the weekend at a hotel.
HYDE: What, car sex isn't good enough anymore?
FEZ: I would love car sex. Or just sex. Or just a car.
DONNA: I have to get out of town. Ever since my dad lost the store he just shuffles around in a not-completely-closed bathrobe. It's really depressing.
HYDE (reading leaflet): "The Wisconsin Dells' most romantic hideaway. Hunters and truckers always welcome." That's nice.
DONNA: Sounds awesome. I'm gonna go pack.
KELSO (coming in): You guys. The weirdest thing just happened with Pam Macy.
HYDE: Kelso, man, she'll do that with any guy standing in front of her.
KELSO: Okay. So, I'm making out with Pam in the orchestra pit and everything is progressin' like normal until...
KELSO: You know the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.
FEZ: Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
KELSO: No. Okay. Let me put it this way. The buffer wouldn't buff.
FEZ: Poor Mr. Cooper.
HYDE: No, Fez. I think what he's tryin' to say is the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
ERIC: The weasel wouldn't pop.
HYDE: The alphabet soup never spelled "go."
KELSO: Okay! All right! Enough!
ERIC: Actually, not quite. There are a lot of Amish people but they never raised a
HYDE: Forman, man, that was awesome.
ERIC: Hey. It just came to me.
FEZ: Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants.
KELSO: Okay! You guys, this is not funny! This is, like, a nightmare.
FEZ: Yes. Eric, stop teasing. Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you and
that I am sorry YOU ARE NOT A MAN!
Eric, Kitty and Red are having dinner
ERIC: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Eric is sitting down, Red and Kitty are standing, questioning him
RED: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math.
ERIC: Yes, sir.
KITTY: Are you good in math?
RED: What's the square root of"x"?
ERIC: Um, I really can't answer that.
ERIC: No. See, "x" is a variable, so until you define its parameters... the only possible answer is a variable or "x" if you prefer.
RED: Is that right?
KITTY: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
RED: Are they as dumb as he is?
ERIC: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
RED: Right answer. That was a trick question. I know they're dumb.
ERIC: So, I can go?
RED: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything is vandalized or
explodes or catches on fire "x" is gonna equal me kicking your ass.
Midge, Donna and Bob are having dinner. Bob is in his bathrobe. You can see his underpants
DONA: So, anyway, Jackie's, uh, havin' trouble in school stuff and, uh, I thought I should stay with her this weekend tutor her in, you know, stuff. Anyone?
MIDGE: I'm sorry, honey. I can't concentrate when your father's robe is open.
BOB: Leave me alone. I'm ventilating.
DONNA: Okay. See ya Sunday.
Kelso is in his bed, dreaming of Genie (Jackie)
KELSO (off screen): Genie, I'm home.
Jackie crosses her arms and nods her head, Kelso appears in front of her
KELSO: Oh. Hello, GenieJackie.
JACKIE: Hello, Master Major Michael. How was your day?
KELSO: Pretty good, pretty good. But I'm starvin'. I've been on the moon all day,
and I missed lunch.
JACKIE: I can fix that (arms & head, a plate of burgers appears)
KELSO: Damn. I love havin' a genie. Well, let's eat.
JACKIE: Okay. Unless you're hungry for something besides food, Master.
Arms & head, and suddenly they're lying on the couch
KELSO: Actually, I'm havin' a little problem in this department lately.
JACKIE: Not anymore! (arms & head)
KELSO: Ho-ho! You're the best genie ever!
Kelso wakes up, looks under his sheets and immediately calls up Pam
KELSO: Hello? Pam? I'm back! Hahahahaha!
Red and Kitty are getting out of the car
KITTY: You know, Red, with the house empty this weekend it might be a- a nice opportunity for a little romance.
KITTY: Is that, "Uh-huh, my passion burns for you" or "Uh-huh, you're as exciting as an old hat"?
RED: Well, what kind of old hat?
KITTY: How about a hat that's about to be super P.O.'d?
RED: Oh. Then the passion one.
Hyde and Fez are talking
HYDE: Okay. I'm gonna sneak some beer outta the fridge. You go be lookout.
FEZ: You can count on me.
He turns around and holds the door open. Kitty and Red walk in. Hyde turns around with a six-pack in his hands
FEZ: Hyde, the Formans are home.
HYDE: A little late, Fez.
FEZ: It's funnier this way.
RED: Okay, you two, out.
KITTY: Here. Here, you can each have a Snack Pack.
HDYE & FEZ: Thank you, Mrs. Forman.
FEZ: Ooh. Chocolate (they leave)
RED: Okay, Kitty. I'm gonna cook you a romantic dinner. So, you go put on something pretty and I'll warm up the toaster oven.
KITTY: Oh, wow. Dinner from the toaster oven. Ha ha. Well, whoop-de-do. I'll put on my fancy dress.
RED: Okay. I'm gonna work on Plan "B."
KITTY: Oh, I would.
Donna and Eric inspect their room
DONNA: This place is awesome.
ERIC: I know. There's gotta be, like, 17 pillows on this bed.
DONNA: What's this? Oh, my God. It's a tiny fridge with, like, a million bottles of tiny liquor OHHH! And tiny cookies.
ERIC: Oh, yeah? Well, in there...tiny shampoo and tiny soap. Donna, I think elves work here.
DONNA: I feel so classy. I'm stealing all of it.
Pam is driving, Kelso is sitting next to her
KELSO: Look, Pam, I'm really sorry about what happened. Again. I must have the flu or something.
PAM: Well, it's not like any flu I've ever heard of.
KELSO: Well, there's lots of kinds of flu, Pam! I'm sorry.
PAM: Oh, well, don't take it so hard. Oops. Sorry.
KELSO: Look, just don't tell anybody, okay?
PAM: Oh, Flopsy, I'm not gonna tell anybody. I'm gonna tell everybody.
Eric comes out of the bathroom. Donna is jumping on the bed, with loud music playing
DONNA: Hey Eric. Do you know that if you mix Kahlúa and scotch, it tastes just like Dr. Pepper? You're cute.
ERIC: Okay. I think you're cute too...and a little drunk which is gonna make my job a whole lot easier.
Pounding on the wall
DONNA: What's that?
ERIC: I guess the guy next door thinks we're being too loud.
DONNA: Oh, yeah?
Donna pounds on the wall
DONA: Oh, my God. He just pounded right back.
ERIC: Uh, okay. You know what? Let's just be quiet (he turns the radio off)
DONNA: But then he wins, Eric. We need to get the last pound (she pounds again) See? We won. We're not gonna take crap. We're gonna give it, 'cause we're fearless.
Pounding on the door
ERIC: Oh, my God. He's at the door. Okay, you know what? I think I have a little
fear. So, let's just, uh, be really quiet and pretend we're not here. And maybe
he'll just think we're not here.
DONNA (whispering): Okay (then she pounds on the door)
ERIC: Will you cut it out! Okay, look, just stay in here and shush.
DONNA (from the bathroom): Okay.
More pounding on the door, Eric finally opens it
DONNA (coming from the bathroom): Hey, it's Big Red.
RED: Son of a bitch! What the hell are you doing here?
ERIC: Wait. What are you doing here? Oh, my God. Who are you with?
RED: Your mother, you dumb-ass. Okay. I'm gonna make a deal with you. I
never saw you. I don't know you're here.
ERIC: Wait. So we're good?
RED: No, no. You're gettin' your ass kicked on Monday. But for now, you shut up and stay here. If your mother sees you, my fun time is over (he leaves)
DONNA: Oh, this is just awful!
ERIC: Oh. No, hey, cheer up. I've been in trouble with Red before. It's okay.
DONNA: No, it's not that. It's just seeing your dad reminded me of my dad. Your dad's going away on nice weekends and having fun and my dad's out of work and sad. Plus your robe's not completely closed, and that reminds me of him too.
ERIC: Okay. Okay, you know what? Let's turn that frown upside-down. That's right. Let's have super-hot sex, baby (Donna punches him) And by super-hot sex, I mean let's talk about your sad feelings.
Fez is reading something, Jackie comes in
FEZ: Okay, Jackie, I have some really terrible news about Kelso that will make us both laugh a lot.
JACKIE: Yeah. I already know. Pam Macy made this big announcement in gym.
FEZ (laughing, then notices that Jackie is not laughing): Jackie, this is where we both laugh a lot.
JACKIE: Actually, Fez, I don't find it that funny. I kinda feel sad for him.
FEZ: But you hate him. He totally screwed you over.
JACKIE: Yeah, but he's grown up a lot since then. And he's suffered, and I'm over it by now. Poor Michael.
FEZ: Poor Michael? Well, I see I have wasted my time talking to you. Good day, miss.
JACKIE: Wait, Fez.
FEZ: I said good day.
Kitty is dancing in her nightgown
KITTY: What should we do with all of this time alone?
Knock on door
RED: I'll get that. I ordered you a special surprise (opens door) Ta-da! (Donna walks in)
KITTY: Donna? Donna is my surprise?
RED: Donna? What the... heck are you doin' here, Donna? What the heck?
DONNA: Mrs. Forman, Eric is being a jerk, and I wanted to talk to my mom. But since she's not here, can I talk to you? (she crawls in their bed)
RED (faking surprise): Eric's here too? What on earth is goin' on? What the heck?
KITTY: Red, what is going on here?
RED: Oh, I'm just as surprised as you... Oh, all right! Eric and Donna are the
noisy people next door.
KITTY: And you didn't tell me?
DONNA (on the phone): Hello, Mommy? I'm sad!
Eric is sitting on the bed, a knock on the door
ERIC: Donna, where have you...
RED: Your mother kicked me out.
ERIC: Oh, no.
In the dark, Eric tries to climb back on the bed
RED: I said no.
FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE
KELSO: Guys, I gotta tell you somethin'. I'm omnipotent.
Hyde and Fez laugh so hard they fall down
OTHER HOTEL ROOM
Kitty and Donna are in the bed
KITTY: Huh. This does taste like Dr. Pepper.
DONNA: Told ya. Hey, you know what? I think I might puke.
KITTY: Oh, no, no, no. No, no. Honey, nobody gets sick in Mr. And Mrs. Forman's room. Ahahaha. You know, it is a lovely room. Red just saw the brochure on the counter and then he whisked me up and he brought me here. It was very
DONNA: Eric did the same thing for me. Sometimes he's really sweet.
DONNA: Do you have a bucket?
Knock on door
MAN: Room service.
KITTY: Honey. Honey, pretty girls do not throw up (she opens the door) Oh, no, no. No, no. I didn't order this.
MAN: Oh, uh, it was ordered by a Mr. Red Forman (he leaves)
KITTY: Oh, my gosh. This must have been his surprise. Oh! Flowers, champagne. Cashews. The most expensive nut, you know. Oh, dear, sweet Red. I have to go see him. Are you feeling better?
KITTY: Okay, good. Nighty-night (she leaves)
Kelso throws a basket ball, but it turns flat
KELSO: Why is everything doing that?
JACKIE (walking up to him): Hey, Michael. I heard what happened with Pam. And I want you to know, that according to Cosmopolitan magazine, you're not a freak.
JACKIE: Mm-hmm. They say that, lots of times when it happens to a guy it's not that he can't, it's just that he secretly doesn't want to.
KELSO: Okay, well, not to criticize but Cosmo's never seen Pam Macy naked.
JACKIE: Michael, just think about it. Do you like Pam?
KELSO: Well, I like parts of her.
JACKIE: Well, maybe that's not enough. And maybe your body's mature enough to realize that even if your brain isn't.
KELSO: Okay, well, you know, if this is about maturity then I want nothing to do with it.
JACKIE: Look, Michael, don't worry, okay? When you find the girl you're meant to be with you'll be able to do all the stuff you want. I promise.
KELSO: I hope you're right. Thanks, Jackie (they hug) I'M BACK!
KELSO: Nothin'. Good hug!
HALLWAY OF THE HOTEL
Red kicks Eric out of the room
ERIC: But it's my room.
KITTY (opening the door and handing him a blanket): Love ya, sweetie. Haha! (closes door)
ERIC (knocking on the other door): Donna. Donna, are you there? (more knocking) Donna, Please open the door, Please (we see Donna fast asleep) Great. I'm locked out of both rooms. Well, at least I don't have any PANTS.
As he walks off, Bob, Midge and a man from the hotel walk up
BOB: I want you to open that door right now. Our daughter's in there, and she's drunk.
MAN: I really shouldn't be doing this.
BOB: Okay. Then I'll just sue you until you're dead.
The man opens the door, Midge and Bob storm into a dark hotel room
BOB (off screen): You get off my daughter.!
RED (off screen): Bob! What the hell?
BOB (off screen): Red?
MIDGE (off screen): Ooh! Kitty, what a pretty nightgown.
KITTY (off screen): Thank you, Midge. Could you hand it to me, please?
Donna and Eric are talking
DONNA: Look, I'm sorry about getting all tipsy last night.
ERIC: Oh, no. Please, I'm sorry. The fight was all my fault.
DONNA: Fight? We had a fight?
DONNA: What did you do?
DONNA: Obviously you did something. I want to know what it is in case I'm still mad about it.
ERIC: Well, okay. I had said that you were the most beautiful girl in the world and then you got all mad and said, "Get bent." Not your finest hour, but I still love you.
DONNA: Wow. You must be really upset about this.
ERIC: Um kind of, yeah.
DONNA: Well, come on, Eric. Let's turn that frown upside-down. That's right. Let's have super-hot sex, baby.
ERIC: Oh, crap.
KELSO: Well, GenieJackie, I am in the mood for some hot master-genie lovin'.
JACKIE: Oh, I'm sorry, Master Major Michael. But what we are going to have is a warm master-genie friendship. In fact, I am the master now, and you are the genie (arms & head, Kelso is now wearing Genie's clothes and Jackie is wearing the uniform) Except you will not have any genie powers. You will just do as I say. Now, do my math homework, Genie.