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(Eric, Donna, Kelso, and Fez are watching “What’s Happening” on TV)
ERIC: Oh Rerun’s not smart. FEZ: What’s Happening? I’ll tell you what’s happening—hilarity.
KELSO: Yeah no kidding. (imitating someone on the show) “Hey Hey Hey!” That’s just funny man.
(Hyde exits his room)
HYDE: Hey, hey can you guys keep it down a bit please?
DONNA: Hyde there’s lipstick on your chin.
FEZ: Hyde, why are you putting lipstick on your chin? It’s for your lips.
ERIC: Hey, maybe he’s got a girl back there. So Hyde, who’s the lucky lady?
HYDE: I never kiss and tell. It’s Kat Peterson.
DONNA: Yeah right, you’re in your bedroom with the most popular girl in school.
FEZ: Yeah, what happened to Farrah Fawcett? Did her car break down?
HYDE: Look, just keep it down alright? You’re killing the mood. (Goes back to his room)
FEZ: Hyde there’s no mood because there’s no one back there.
(Jackie enters and kisses Kelso on the cheek)
JACKIE: Hey Michael. Ok so we’re all set for our big dinner party!
KELSO: (unenthusiastically) Oh yea, the big dinner party.
JACKIE: (as she hands an invitation to Donna) So here…
DONNA: (reading the invitation) “You and a guest are cordially invited for an evening of cocktails, dinner, and TV.”
JACKIE: The attire is semi-formal-casual.
FEZ: Ah, finally I can wear my tuxedo T-shirt.
JACKIE: Uh sorry Fez, I forgot to invite you and Hyde.
FEZ: Oh, but it’s never too late.
JACKIE: Ok bye! (Jackie leaves)
KELSO: Don’t worry Fez, I’m sure you and Hyde can come.
JACKIE: No Michael, they can’t.
KELSO: Ok, I get it. They can’t come. (He grins at Fez)
JACKIE: Come with me. (She drags him out by the ear) Nooo!!
ERIC: Ok, I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you don’t make me go to this party.
DONNA: Show me the hundred.
FEZ: Well, the party’s tomorrow night so I better go home and start putting on cologne now. (Fez leaves)
(Hyde and Kat Peterson emerge from Hyde’s room)
KAT: So, that was fun.
HYDE: No, Disneyland is fun, that was nasty.
(They kiss and she leaves)
DONNA: Oh my god Hyde, Kat Peterson, nice.
HYDE: Yup, she’s slumin’ it, I’m lovin’ it.
KITTY: Honey, would you go to Bob and Midge’s and get my casserole dish? I’m making Tuna Surprise tonight.
RED: Well now that I know, you’ve ruined the surprise. (They both start laughing)
KITTY: It’s for Scrabble night. Bob and Midge love Tuna Surprise.
RED: Yeah, but I don’t love Bob and Midge.
KITTY: Well Red I have to keep inviting them over, they keep inviting us.
RED: That’s because you keep inviting them. Somebody’s got to break the chain or it’ll go on forever.
KITTY: Red, they’re the only friends we have since you made Phyllis cry.
RED: I didn’t say anything about Phyllis’ weight that the whole room didn’t already know.
Forman Back Porch
JACKIE: Donna, I’m going to have dinner parties all the time when I’m Mrs. Michael Kelso, Esquire. Just think about it.
DONNA: Do it have to?
JACKIE: Oh shhh…..
Jackie’s Dinner Party Fantasy
(Everyone is dressed elegantly as Jackie, Eric and Donna gather around the piano to listen to Kelso, who is playing and singing)
KELSO: (singing) “So there’s sprinkled moon dust in your hair and golden starlight and your eyes are blue…”
JACKIE: (singing) They’re brown.
KELSO: (singing) I know.
(Everyone laughs pompously)
ERIC: (holding a pipe) Oh Kelso, you little so and so. I’d nary a notion of your songbird ways, having thought you merely a captain of industry and a king among men.
KELSO: (holds a monocle to his eye) Eric, cease your fawning and let us discuss the fox hunt. But first, I crave a French pastry, where’s the help? (He claps his hands)
(Fez enters in a butler uniform)
FEZ: Apologies good sire, I was in the stables brushing the horses, secretly entertaining the notion of a sensual tryst with a lady.
(Everyone laughs pompously)
ERIC: Top drawer! Top drawer!
Fade to Forman Porch
JACKIE: (Laughing pompously) Top drawer, top drawer…..
RED: Hello?? (He takes the casserole dish and notices Bob with his head in the sink) Oh, hey Bob.
(Bob turns around and is bald except for some hair around the sides. He sees Red, immediately puts his head back in the sink, and puts on his toupee. The toupee isn’t put on correctly)
BOB: Oh, hi Red.
(Red, open mouthed and bewildered, takes the casserole dish and exits)
Jackie’s Living Room
(Eric looks bored as Kelso plays “Chopsticks” on the piano. Kelso keeps messing up the song. Jackie walks over to the piano)
JACKIE: (hissing in a low tone) Stop it!
ERIC: You know what might make this party a little more fun? Sweet death.
(There’s a knock on the door. Jackie goes to open it. It’s Hyde and Fez. Fez is wearing his tuxedo T-shirt)
JACKIE: Hyde! Fez! MICHAEL!!
KELSO: Oh good, it’s Hyde, Fez, and Michael.
HYDE: Hello fellas, what’s to eat?
FEZ: Are these melon balls for anyone?
JACKIE: Why are they here?
KELSO: I invited them because you’re always discussing manners and I wanted to be mannerly.
HYDE: He’s mannerly.
(People start streaming into Jackie’s house)
KELSO: Hey Chuck! Oh no, Chuck’s here.
JACKIE: Why? Why Michael? Why would invite all these people? How could you do this?
KELSO: Well, I was thinking that if a party with 10 people was fun, then a party with 30 people would be twice as much fun.
JACKIE: Michael, I didn’t want twice as much fun, I wanted a small, classy party.
KELSO: Jackie, just because there’s a couple more people doesn’t mean it can’t still be classy.
TIMMY: Hey everybody, I’m taking off my pants!! (He pulls down his pants and starts dancing around)
KITTY: No hair?
RED: None…well, a little.
KITTY: Well what are we talking about here Red? Is it Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?
RED: Geez Kitty, I don’t know. I barely looked.
KITTY: Ok I need a visual aid. (She goes and gets “Wooly Willy” a magnetic sketch pad)
RED: It was so uncomfortable. I mean, a toupee is a pretty big lie, Kitty.
KITTY: Ok here, show me on Wooly Willy. (Red starts sketching) Uh huh, ok, uh huh (Red shakes the board so all the hair falls of Wooly Willy, this is what he shows her as the final product)
KITTY: (astonished) Really??
Jackie’s Living Room
(The party is in full swing with kid’s dancing all over the place.)
(Donna puts her glass on the piano without a coaster)
ERIC: (picking up her glass and putting it on a coaster) Hey, hey, would it kill you to use a coaster? Bunch of wild hooligans here.
DONNA: Oh, sorry Red.
ERIC: Well, you know, it was gonna leave a ring.
DONNA: That’s so true Kitty. Eric, look this isn’t your house. You aren’t going to get in trouble for any of this so loosen up.
ERIC: Yeah, I guess I could do that. (he moves the glass from the coaster) Oh my god, it’s like I’m seeing colors I’ve never seen before.
(Kat Peterson enters with her friends)
HYDE: Hey Kat, want a beer?
KAT: No…thanks (gives her friends a look like she can’t believe Hyde would be talking to her and starts to laugh)
HYDE: She just blew me off man? Do you believe that?
FEZ: Yes I do. I really, really do.
JACKIE: Michael, are they drinking out of my parent’s crystal?
KELSO: Yeah Jackie, they were trying to drink straight from the bottle and I said ‘No, no, use the crystal, cause it’s classy.’
JACKIE: Michael I’m going to go upstairs and feel sorry for myself and you, you are gonna fix this.
KELSO: Fix it? Jackie, you’re having the party of the year here.
(Jackie stomps on his foot and leaves)
KELSO: (screaming in pain) Damn, I do not get women!
FEZ: Yes, neither does Hyde, right Hyde? (laughs)
(Jackie’s sitting on her bed, upset and crying. There’s a knock at the door and Donna enters)
DONNA: You ok?
JACKIE: Donna please, I really don’t want to talk about Michael. Ok, so what is your honest opinion about Michael?
DONNA: Umm, by honest you mean…
JACKIE: Donna, please learn to listen.
DONNA: Ok fine, honestly, you have certain expectations of Kelso that may not be entirely realistic. You want him to be sophisticated and smart, but actually he’s unsophisticated and unsmart.
(Jackie gasps in horror and disbelief)
RANDOM GUY: (rising up behind Jackie and Donna) Hey you guys are really bringing down the make out room.
(Red, Kitty, Bob, and Midge play Scrabble in uncomfortable silence, as the screen flashes to everyone’s letters)
Red’s letters spell B-A-L-D-I-N-G
(Red and Kitty keep glancing at Bob’s head)
Kitty’s letters spell A-B-A-D-R-U-G
(Kitty takes a large gulp of wine)
Bob’s letters spell S-H-O-O-T-M-E
MIDGE: Well, I’m gonna have to pass, I’ve got nothing. (Midge’s letters are Z-Y-G-O-T-E-S)
Jackie’s Living Room
HYDE: Would you look at her Fez, acting like she’s hot stuff? So she’s really good looking and everyone likes her, I’m real impressed.
FEZ: Yeah, I know how it is. You think you know somebody, but then it turns out he lied about making out with Kat Peterson.
ERIC: (he’s clearly loosened up and had some drinks) Hyde! Fez! What is this a funeral? Why aren’t you guys getting down?
FEZ: Well my friend, Hyde is way too lovesick to get down.
HYDE: Love? I don’t love her man. I just think we should be having sex and all because she’d enjoy it.
ERIC: Hyde, I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV. (He starts laughing and can’t continue his sentence) But seriously Hyde, this is a party, so loosen up… (As he says this, he spills most of his drink into the trashcan) Like me, whoopsie daisy!
KELSO: Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up. She’s throwing a great party down here and she’s missing it.
FEZ: Kelso you don’t get it, huh? This party meant the world to Jackie and you crapped on it.
HYDE: Alright, ease up on Kelso, huh?
KELSO: Thanks Hyde.
HYDE: Yeah, so you did something horrible, but it’s Jackie, so who cares?
KELSO: No wait, what are you saying?
HYDE: I’m saying you burned her man, royally. Nice job.
KELSO: But no, man, I didn’t want to burn her. I invited all these people to her party so it would be fun, to make it good.
FEZ: She didn’t want a good party, she wanted her party.
KELSO: You know what? You’re right Fez. Alright, this party’s over. Everybody out!
ERIC: No, Kelso, what are you saying man? Think!
KELSO: You know what guys? For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking. (He throws his cigar in the trashcan) You know I’m in danger of ruining the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and I am not going to let that happen.
(Everyone but Kelso looks to see the trashcan erupting into flames)
KELSO: Do not interrupt me, this is important! From now on, I’m going to put Jackie’s needs first and she’s going to be so proud of me!
(Hyde points to the trashcan and Kelso finally see the fire)
KELSO: Whoa! (He dumps more alcohol on the fire in an attempt to put it out, the fire gets even bigger) WHOA MAN, THIS IS A RAGER! Give me your brandies. (He keeps dumping alcohol on the flames) WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
(Jackie and Donna walk down her hallway, toward the party)
JACKIE: God, how dare you say that about me and Michael!?
DONNA: Jackie, you wanted my honest opinion.
JACKIE: Your honest opinion that we’re great together. Look, you were wrong about Michael. He knows he made a mistake and he’s going to make it up to me. You wait and see.
(Flash back to Jackie’s living room. “Disco Inferno” plays are smoke fills the room and Kelso tries to put out the fire with a pillow. Jackie and Donna enter)
KELSO: Uh Jackie, where’s the fire extinguisher? (He starts blowing on the fire)
MIDGE: S-I-T. That’s “sit.”
KITTY: Oh my, yes it is…again.
BOB: Yeah, Midge has got quite a lead.
MIDGE: Your turn Red.
RED: Ok fine. “Cue ball” (He looks at Bob) I’m sorry Bob, I uh….
BOB: Sorry? Why apologize to me? I like billiards. Billiards are fun. Ok, so you all know.
MIDGE: I don’t know anything.
BOB: I wear a toupee.
MIDGE: Bob! If you tell them, they’ll know!
BOB: I wear a rug, so what?
KITTY: You know…..I wish I had a toupee. You know, because you know, the way my hair is sometimes.
RED: Look Bob, being isn’t something a man has to hide from. A toupee is just silly.
MIDGE: I keep telling him that if he grew as much hair on his head as he does on his back, he’d have a full head of hair!
BOB: I know it’s silly, I guess I’m vain. Every morning I wake up wishing I had the courage to walk around looking like you. (Red looks slightly insulted) But I don’t, Red. I don’t. I guess that makes me a bad person.
RED: Look Bob, I didn’t mean to make you….
BOB: No, no, you know what? You’re right Red, you’re right. Maybe it’s time I stop living the lie. (He takes off his toupee and puts it on the table)
KITTY: (She tries to hold in her laughter and makes strange noises) Sinuses.
(Everyone but Bob starts laughing)
RED: Alright, alright. I was wrong, you need the toupee. Put it back on.
(Bob puts his toupee on as everyone looks on and laughs)
Jackie’s Living Room
(Most everyone is gone. Eric lies on the piano as Timmy plays for him)
ERIC: (singing and using a trophy as a microphone) ‘Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I’ve waited so long for (voice cracks) school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you (in a high pitched voice) hey hey Donna!!”
DONNA: Eric, get down off there right now!
ERIC: What’s the problem Donna?
TIMMY: Yeah, what’s the problem Donna?
DONNA: Timmy, go get your pants on or I’ll beat the crap out of you! (Timmy runs out of the room) Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?
ERIC: Oh yeah baby.
DONNA: (she’s grabs the trophy from him) Well, tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party’s over.
ERIC: Well, hey, this was your idea.
DONNA: Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.
ERIC: Well I’m new at this (he grabs the trophy back) so sue me.
(He starts singing)
Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna!
(Kat Peterson and her friends walk down the hall. Hyde and Fez are talking in the doorway. Kat’s friends leave.)
KAT: Hello Steven.
HYDE: Oh, I see how this is gonna be. So when you’re with your little clique, you’re too good for me.
KAT: Right, but they’re gone now, so….hi.
HYDE: You know, for a rich girl, you’re kind of skanky. Come on, let me show you the garage. (They leave together)
FEZ: (yelling after them) That proves nothing! Son of a bitch.
(Kelso picks feathers up off the floor of Jackie’s living room. Jackie enters, sees Kelso, and turns to leave.)
KELSO: Wait Jackie, I owe you an apology. I just wanted to help tonight and I guess I blew it. I’m sorry.
JACKIE: Yeah, lately you’ve been sorry a lot Michael.
KELSO: Yeah, but this time I mean it.
FEZ: Actually, he does. He felt very bad and said tender words about you and then, he set your house on fire. See he loves you, but he’s just, he’s just stupid.
KELSO: Thank you Fez.
KELSO: Jackie, I do love you and I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy with me.
JACKIE: Yeah, well I’m beginning to think that you’re never going to make me happy.
KELSO: What are you saying?
JACKIE: I’m saying I have a lot of thinking to do. (She leaves)
KELSO: Whoo, dodged a bullet there, huh Fez?
(Fez plays an ominous tune on the piano and shakes his head at Kelso)
Jackie’s Living Room
(Eric and Kelso sit on the couch. Eric’s shirt is open.)
KELSO: Nothing good came out of this night, although I did find out that brandy’s flammable.
ERIC: Yeah, that’s worth knowing. Oh and uh, gasoline for future reference.
(The screen splits in half, with a shot of Jackie and Donna in Jackie’s bedroom)
KELSO: I just don’t get chicks, man.
JACKIE: God Donna, men are stupid.
(Jackie and Kelso say the following lines at the same time)
JACKIE: How can they not know what we want? I think they know what we want, but they just won’t give it to us. You know?
KELSO: They want you to give them what they want, but you can’t know what they want because they won’t tell you. You know?
DONNA: It’s so simple.
ERIC: Yeah, it’s confusing, huh?
DONNA: Oh my god, the most horrifying moment, Eric sang to me.
ERIC: Hey, I sang to Donna. Yeah, she kinda melted. I mean, she called me a dink, but I don’t think she meant it.
DONNA: Eric was such a dink tonight. And I mean it.