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(Eric’s room. Eric and Donna are in his bed.)
Eric: You know, Donna, I’m not surprised you’re in my bed, I…knew you
couldn’t resist me any longer.
Donna: No, I couldn’t. I want you. I need you.
Eric: Well, I never turn down a woman in need.
(He puts his arm around her.)
Donna: You know, being here, in your bed, on your…Spiderman sheets, makes me feel so ready. So willing.
Eric: Then call me able.
(He leans over, about to kiss her, but then he stops. He puts his finger over his lips in thought.)
Eric: A little mood music.
(He reaches up to turn on the radio. The song playing is “I Like Dreamin’ ” by Kenny Nolan. Then he leans down and they kiss. As they are kissing, the screen begins to shift and turn until the camera is showing Eric alone in his bed sleeping. We realize he was only dreaming. His eyes slowly open, look around, and he realizes the same thing.)
Donna: What’s wrong?
Eric: AAHHHH!! (He jumps into a sitting position and sees Donna sitting at the foot of his bed, laughing.)
I mean, hey, baby!
(“That 70’s Show” theme song plays.)
** ** **
(Eric’s room, Eric is sitting up in bed and Donna is at the foot of his bed.)
Eric: I can’t believe you’re in my bed! I can’t believe you came through my window!
Donna: I know. Oh, well, I was just sitting at home thinking about you and…I thought, why don’t I crawl up the side of his house and say hello? (Camera cuts to Eric just gaping in awe at her. Then it cuts back to Donna.)
Eric: (Waving back and laughing.)
Hello! That’s-did, did anyone see you?
Donna: Um, just Hyde.
Eric: Excuse me.
(He gets up out of bed and goes to the door. He opens it, and Hyde almost falls in.)
Hyde: I heard a noise downstairs and it scared me.
Eric: Man, you’re ruining what could be the most important night of my life here.
Hyde: Heh, heh, well duh.
(Eric pushes him and closes the door. Then he turns and shrugs at Donna. She’s climbed into the bed. Eric jumps onto the bed next to her and kisses her.)
Eric: This is so-I can’t believe this! You’ve never been in my bed before!
Donna: I know. I’m in your bed!
Eric: You’re in my bed! You’re in my bed! (He stops to think about this.)
You’re in my bed.
(Cut to a dream sequence that Eric has. He’s starring in a game show based on the “$25,000 Pyramid” called “$20,000 Virgin Octagon”.)
Host: Ok, uh, uh, because the bed squeaks. Because the walls are thin. Because Red has the ears of a wolf.
Eric: Uh, reasons my parents might hear us if we do it.
Host: Right! Ok ok, um, uh, gee, mom, it was hot, so we took off our clothes, and then we got cold, so we got under the covers, and things just started bouncing around…
Eric: Uh, things I might say if my folks catch us doing it!
Host: Yes! Ok, um, uh, um, Vonda, Ford, the eighth…
Eric: Famous Henrys!
Host: Yes! Oh, ok, um, um, because there’s a girl in your bed.
(The camera cuts to Eric, looking thoughtful.)
Host: Because there’s a girl in your bed! Because there’s a girl in your bed, damn it!
Eric: Reasons to go for it!
(They both jump up and hug each other. The audience applauds. The dream sequence ends and Eric is back in his bed with Donna.)
Eric: So, I, uh…(He doesn’t finish, he just kisses Donna.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Red and Hyde are at the table eating breakfast. Kitty is in her nurse uniform on the phone.)
Kitty: Oh, so she’s gonna be out the whole week?…Well, you don’t drink and go ice fishing!…That is just common sense!…No, no, no, it’s fine, I’ll be happy to pick up her shifts. Ok. Uh-huh! Bye.
(She hangs up the phone.)
Red: Oh, geez, Kitty, you work so hard as it is, I don’t want you working double shifts!
Kitty: (Sitting down at the table with them.)
Well, Red, we need the money. You know it’s not every week that Charlene’s gonna get septicemia from a rusty hook. We have gotta take advantage of that!
Red: Well, I don’t like it.
Kitty: Oh, you know, if I’m gonna be working nights, I better put some meals together for you and the boys.
(She reaches for her recipes and starts flipping through them.)
Red: Oh, come on, Kitty! I’m not helpless. I think I can get these guys some dinner.
(Hyde hears this, and casts a pleading glance at Kitty. Kitty sees it and understands, but puts the recipes away anyway.)
Kitty: Ok, yeah, um, I’m sure you’ll be great! (She gets up and pats Hyde on the back.)
Fire extinguisher is in the garage.
(She walks out the door.)
Hyde: So money’s a little tight, huh?
Red: No, no, Steven. Everything’s fine. We’re great.
(He gets up to put his plate away. Eric walks in the kitchen with a huge smile on his face and walks up to Red.)
Eric: Good morning! And I am not just saying that.
Red: Listen, your mother’s working double shifts, so, I’ll be cooking.
Eric: You know the fire extinguisher’s in the garage, right?
(Red glares at him.)
Red: Yeah. I know.
Eric: I’m gonna have cereal.
Red: Oh, you’ll be having a lot of cereal.
(He leaves the kitchen.)
Hyde: So where’s Donna, man?
Eric: Donna? Donna? Oh! (He sits down at the table with Hyde.)
You mean that girl who spent last night in my bed?
Hyde: Yeah, yeah, that’s the one.
Eric: She went home this morning.
Hyde: So? Ah? Ah? Soooo?
Eric: So let’s just say she went home a very happy woman.
Hyde: All right, man, you finally did it.
(He slaps Eric’s hand.)
Eric: You know, “it”…can mean a lot of things.
Hyde: No, “it” means one thing. And you either did it, or you didn’t.
Eric: Ok, then we didn’t. But, we did…plenty of…good stuff. New stuff! Plenty of good, new stuff!
Hyde: Ah, man, you’re bumming me out. Can’t you at least just lie to me?
Eric: Uh, ok, we did it.
** ** **
(Hyde is sitting in front of a man with long, grey hair and dark sunglasses.
This man, named Leo, is interviewing people for jobs.)
Leo: So, do you like photos, man?
Hyde: Yeah, man. Sure.
Leo: Ok, you got the job, man.
Hyde: Just like that? You don’t have to interview anybody else?
Leo: Nobody else showed up, man.
Hyde: So, what do I do here anyway?
Leo: Well I don’t expect a lot, man. Pretty much if the hut doesn’t burn down, its been a good day. And even if it burned down, man, it’s cool, ‘cause I’ve got three or four more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen, if you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?
Hyde: Or even better, I could take a picture! Heh.
Leo: Whoa! A picture of a photo hut! Hey, that’d be like art or something, huh? (Hyde nods.)
Hey, listen, man. I hope you don’t mind if I pay you in cash. I don’t like big brother getting into my business, ya dig?
Hyde: Man, keeping the government out of it, I’m so with you!
Leo: No, my big brother, man. He’s always hitting me up for money.
Hyde: Oh. ‘Cause you’re the responsible one?
Leo: Yeah, it’s my curse, man. Hey, listen! (He stands up.)
I gotta go do a thing at a, a place.
Hyde: (He stands up, too.)
Yeah, man, I hear that. So do you want me to lock up when I’m done?
Leo: Lock up! Wow, that’s a great idea, man! Hey, you’re one of those idea men, aren’t you, man?
Hyde: Yeah, maybe someday you’ll be working for me, huh?
Leo: Really? Oh, that’d be cool, man. Hey, but can I have Saturday night off?
(He turns around to go out, but he’s going the wrong way. He stops, turns around again, and goes out the door.)
** ** **
(Kelso’s van. Jackie and Donna are sitting on the end talking.)
Donna: So, you know what?
Donna: Oh, I can’t tell you.
Jackie: Oh my god! Now you have to tell me! Even if it’s not about me, I wanna hear it.
Donna: I was really bad last night.
Jackie: Did you shoplift? I knew it!
Donna: No! I slept with Eric last night.
Jackie: Oh my god! Oh my god! Was it great?
Donna: Yeah! I was asleep!
Donna: No! No, Jackie, we were both asleep.
Jackie: (Giving Donna a funny look.)
So nothing happened?
Donna: Well, you know, some things happened. (Happily)
We mostly slept.
Jackie: You mean, you were in his bed, and he didn’t whine and beg for like, two hours until you were so sick of hearing his stupid voice that you just gave in so he would shut up?
(There is a long pause.)
Donna: No. I love him! He just, like, held me all night.
Jackie: Oh my god! That’s so sweet! Michael’s just after me all the time! I mean, I understand, ‘cause I’m sexy and all, but still! Like, ok, he always says, “Why cuddle when we could do it?”
Donna: Well, was he always like that?
Jackie: No. No, I guess things kinda changed after we did it. But in a good way.
Donna: I love it when Eric holds me.
Jackie: Yeah, I love it when Michael buys me stuff.
** ** **
(The basement. Hyde, Kelso, Eric, and Fez are getting high.)
Hyde: Well, guys, I’m a little ashamed to admit this, but…I got a job.
Kelso: (He’s holding a stack of Pringles in his hand and staring at them.)
Yeah, I’m thinking about getting a job at a chip factory. I gotta know how they do this!
Eric: Yeah, Red won’t let me get a job. He says if I don’t study hard and get into college, once I turn eighteen he’s gonna kill me! And I think he’s serious, man.
Fez: Hyde, did you ever stop to think, how you working will make me go to the mall alone today? You didn’t think, did you?
Hyde: No. Sorry. Hey, guys, check this out, man. Forman had Donna in his bed last night, and he didn’t even do it! What’s up?
Kelso: (laughing at Eric)
You’re a bonehead, man!
Eric: I’m not a bonehead! I mean, we did other stuff, and we cuddled! It was great.
Fez: Sometimes, when I’m alone, I just love to cuddle.
Hyde: Forman, she climbed up the trellis of your house, through your window, to get into bed with you, and cuddle? Sorry, man. I never read that letter in Penthouse.
Kelso: Those stories are true, you know. (He switches his attention to Eric.)
Why would you just cuddle with her, when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is “it”. That’s why they call “it” “it”! “IT”!!
Eric: Guys, it was just one night. There are gonna be lots of other nights!
Fez: Eric, opportunity does not knock, and then ring the doorbell, and then knock again, and then leave a note that says, sorry, I missed you, and then call you on the phone-
Hyde: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it, Fez. And we get it. What my foreign friend here is trying to say, Forman, is that you blew it, man! And you blew it, man!
Kelso: I’m losing my patience with you, man. You gotta get with her! I mean, there’s nothing more beautiful than when two people fit together perfectly like…well, like two of these potato…(losing his focus again.)
HOW’D THEY DO THIS?
(He gawks at the chips a while, then he shrugs and eats them.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Donna and Eric are at the table talking. Red comes over to them holding a pan full of burnt, charred fish. He holds the pan under Eric’s face.)
Red: You wanna eat this?
(Eric looks at the fish, then back at his dad.)
(Red dumps the fish in the trash can.)
Red: Well, it’s in there if you change your mind.
(He leaves the kitchen.)
Donna: You know, I loved being here with you the other night.
Eric: Great! ‘Cause I love that you came over.
Donna: It didn’t, like, bother you that I was sleeping with you in your little
Eric: No, it bothered me, but, in a really good way.
Eric: Good. Um, so…you wanna come over tonight?
Donna: Yeah! Cool. I’d love to.
Eric: Great! ‘Cause I’m like, wide open.
Donna: (She laughs at him.)
Cool. So I’ll see you tonight?
(They kiss. Donna gets up and leaves. Eric gets up and starts dancing around in a really retarded sort of way. Red walks in and sees him. Eric sees Red and catches himself and stops dancing.)
Red: Geez, you didn’t eat that fish, did you? ‘Cause I was just kidding!
Red: All right. Stop acting weird.
(He leaves the kitchen. Eric starts dancing again.)
** ** **
(There is a short montage of scenes that show Eric getting ready for Donna’s visit. The song “Undercover Angel” by Alan O’Day is playing over them. Eric is screwing in a lock onto his door. Then we see him straightening out the covers on his bed. Then he’s at the mirror, snapping his fingers and pointing in a “Hey, baby” kinda way. Then he’s checking the lock to make sure it works. Then he’s checking the window to make sure it opens and closes properly. Next we see him kicking dirty clothes under the bed. Then we see him bouncing on his bed, checking its bounce. Next he’s back to the window, making sure it’s working properly again. Finally, he rubs his hands together, satisfied.)
** ** **
(Red is in the Forman’s kitchen, scrubbing dishes. Fez walks in.)
Fez: Hello, Mr. Forman. How are you doing today?
(Red looks up and glares at Fez. Fez shrinks away, then Red notices a pot boiling over on the stove. He runs over and takes the lid off.)
Red: Damn! (He points at the pot.)
That pot’s no good.
Fez: That pot would not have boiled over had you put some salad oil in the water.
Red: So you know how to boil water. Don’t you, uh, have some place you need to be?
Fez: Not really. If I go home too early, my host parents make me read scripture.
Red: Well, why don’t you, uh…go sit in the basement.
Fez: All right!
(He leaves the kitchen. Red picks up some salad oil, and makes sure Fez isn’t watching. Then he pours it in the pot.)
Red: Well. What do you know? Haji had it right!
** ** **
(The photo hut. Kelso pulls up in his van and Hyde opens the window. The room is filled with smoke.)
Hyde: Hey, man.
So this is where you work, huh?
Hyde: Yeah, that’s what they say.
Kelso: Hey, won’t you get in trouble if the boss shows up?
Leo: (Popping his head out the window)
Oh no, is the boss here? Hey, wait, I’m the boss! (They laugh.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Red is cooking, and Kitty is sitting at the table.)
Kitty: You know, maybe third time’s the charm. Maybe this time, it’ll be really, really super.
(He sets down a perfect meal in front of her.)
Kitty: Oh my gosh, Red. Fried chicken, and mashed potatoes, coleslaw, oh, and a little half a ear of corn.
(She looks suspicious.)
Red: Oh! I forgot the biscuits!
(He runs to the oven and takes out a biscuit. He sets it on Kitty’s plate.)
Red: Nice, huh?
Kitty: Oh! It’s really nice! Where’d you hide the bucket, Red?
(Red gives up, he’s been found out.)
Red: Here. Have a wet nap.
(He tosses a wet nap over to her. She laughs. Hyde walks in.)
Hyde: All right! The Colonel! (Red rolls his eyes.)
Oh, um, there you go.
(He sets down some money.)
Kitty: Well now, what is this?
Hyde: Look, I got a job, all right? And I don’t wanna hear anything about, we’re fine, because I know money’s tight around here, and you won’t let Forman work, so…just, take the money and drop it!
(He runs out of the room.)
Kitty: (Looking at the money.)
Oh, he’s a keeper.
Red: You know, I’m gonna take that money, and open him a savings account.
Kitty: Well, that’s nice, Red.
Red: Or blow it all on booze, I still haven’t make up my mind!
** ** **
(Eric’s basement. Fez is sitting on the couch and playing with a paddle ball. Eric comes downstairs.)
Fez: Ah, it’s my good friend, Eric. So what will it be? Gilligan’s Island, pin ball, Stratego, you decide.
Eric: Well, actually Fez, uh, Donna’s coming over tonight. So I’m just here to get my Barry White album. Otherwise, I would just love…
Fez: Blah, blah, blah, just go.
(Eric rushes up the stairs. Fez throws down the paddle ball.)
** ** **
(Eric’s bedroom. He’s looking around at his set-up.)
Eric: Oh, baby, I am ready for love.
(Donna climbs through the window. She walks up to Eric.)
Eric: Why, hello, I’ve been expecting you. (They kiss.) Yawn! So, you ready for bed?
Donna: Sure! Ok. (She pulls down the covers on his bed.)
What, no Spiderman sheets?
Eric: Well, I just…just use those on wash day, so…
(He climbs in bed with her. The covers move around and we see Donna’s shirt fly out from under them. Eric’s pants come out too, but with a little more effort.)
Donna: Eric, could we like, slow down for a second?
(He comes out from under the covers.)
Donna: Well, remember the other night, when we just like…cuddled all night? I really liked that.
Eric: Right! Yeah! But I was thinking, why cuddle when we could do it?
Donna: Ok, you’ve been talking to those idiots in the basement again.
Eric: No! Yes!
Donna: Look, Eric, I know it’s a long drive. And, and we’re gonna get there! We’re gonna get there, but, I don’t know, I just, I wanna see some…trees along the way.
Eric: (He ponders this.)
Ok. But I’ll be driving?
Donna: You’ll be driving.
Eric: You swear to god?
Donna: I do! I swear to god!
Donna: Ok, good. Because I do love you. But I’m not gonna take my pants off!
Eric: Ok. Uh, would you be more comfortable if I put mine back on?
Donna: Mm, might sleep better.
Eric: Will do.
(He dives under the covers, and comes back a few seconds later. Then they cuddle up together.)