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(Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are sitting at a table. Fez walks in from the bathroom.)
Fez : Guys, guess what I just heard in the ladies bathroom ? (He sits in a vacant chair.)
Eric: Fez, what were you doing in the ladies bathroom?
Fez: Oh, spying, eating lunch, y'know. I heard two girls say they did not want to go to college as virgins.
Kelso: Yeah, I caught that wave last year.
Fez: So I'm thinking if horny virgins are dying for sex, then hunting horny virgins I will go.
Hyde: By the way Fez, it's not pronounced virgin; it's pronounced vir-GIN.
Fez: I thought it was virgin?
Kelso: No, no Hyde's right it's vir-GIN.
Fez: Oh now I will not sound stupid in front of the beautiful vir-GINS. (Eric smirks.)
(Donna and another girl walk through the door.)
Kelso: Oh my God. That's - that's the girl, that's the one I made it with at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Eric: That's Brooke.
Hyde: (He moves over to Kelso's side to get a better look.) Man, no one sleeps with that Brooke. When we were sophomores and she was a senior, she turned down her science teacher, and he drove a Corvette.
Eric: Yeah, she was like some sort of mythical creature, like a unicorn.
Hyde: It's weird, it seems like she's moving too fast. It's probably cause all my memories of her are in super jiggle sexy slo-mo.
Kelso: Well all I know is that's her, and I did it with her, and I'll prove it. (He gets up and walks over to where Brooke's standing by the duke box.) Hey Brooke, now I know this is kinda awkward but could you tell my friends over there... (They wave.) about you and me at the Molly Hatchet concert?
Brooke: Do I know you?
Eric: (Walks up to Kelso.) Hey I'm sorry to interrupt but uh... Burn! (Sits back down.)
Kelso: No, it's me Michael from the concert. Okay, I've been looking for you for weeks and I think you were so blissed out, and that does happen, that you gave me the wrong phone number. But the good news is I wasn't a dream.
Brooke: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. (She walks off and he follows her.)
Kelso: No, Michael Kelso. 'Let's do it in the men's room, it's more romantic.' (Yells.) No, what... I kicked that kid out of the handicapped stall so we could have more room!
(Hyde is sitting in his chair. Donna and Eric are sitting together on the couch, and Jackie is sitting neat to them. Fez is standing beside the stereo and Kelso is pacing behind the couch.)
Kelso: What is Brooke's deal, man? I mean, most girls lie about doing it with me when they haven't. This... the... everything is backwards. (Makes a flailing gesture with his arms.)
Eric: Yeah, this is just like Freaky Friday, but unlike that charming little movie, your story has no basis in fact.
Kelso: It does too, except it's just the girl is avoiding me. I mean, how do you get a girl to come to you when you repulse her?
Jackie: Yeah Eric?
Eric: Well, I like to put a hot dog on the end of a stick, and hide in the bushes so...
Hyde: Donna, so how do you know Brooke anyway? Did you guys jump out of a cake together or something?
Donna: (Airhead giggle.) Yeah! No moron. When she was a senior we worked on the school paper together.
Kelso: I think you know Brooke cause there's a secret club in this town, made up of all the hot girls. It's a secret hot girls club.
Jackie: There's no secret hot girls club, believe me I'd know.
Donna: Uh huh, well I'm gonna take off. I have to get to my secret hot girls meeting - (Gasps.) oops. (Leaves.)
Kelso: Why doesn't Brooke like me? I am a gentleman. (Gets up.)
Eric: Oh yeah, you lied about doing it with a hot girl in the men's room; you're Cary Grant.
Jackie: Steven, you've been quiet. Do you think Brooke's hot?
Hyde: Do you really want me to answer that question?
Eric: Oh I think we all do.
Jackie: Steven, it's no big deal. Do you think she's hot?
Hyde: Oh well, I guess since you're not setting a trap, I can answer honestly. (Jackie looks at him questioningly.) Yeah, she's freakin hot.
Jackie: (Jumps up.) Ah ha! See, I trapped ya. (Hyde looks at her.) Now take it back or I'll pinch you.
Hyde: Jackie, if you pinch me, it's gonna cause a serious problem in this relationship.
Jacki : (Seems to relent.) Fine. (She suddenly kicks him and runs out. Hyde gasps in pain.)
(Hyde and Fez are playing basketball. Jackie walks up to them.)
Fez: Oh hey Jackie. Are any of your college bound friends vir-GINS?
Jackie: It's pronounced virgins, Fez.
Fez: What? But no, but Hyde said... (Realises and turns to looks at Hyde.) Oh you magnificent bastard.
Hyde: Sorry buddy. By the way it's pronounced bas-TARD. (Fez looks relived.)
Jackie: Fez, if you wanna find virgins, go where ugly girls pray to get pretty - the local House of Worship.
Fez: House of Worship? Are you sure you don't mean the House of Pies?
Jackie: No Fez, I mean the House of Worship.
Fez: (Quietly.) I'm going to the House of Pies. (Walks off.)
(Donna is lying on her bed, studying. Eric is standing beside her.)
Eric: So, how's it going at Point Place Junior College?
Donna: Well the education's not too great, but the upside is it's next to the Dairy Queen. First day of class we all got free Peanut Buster Parfaits.
(Kelso walks in and starts rifling through Donna's desk drawers. Donna and Eric stare at him.)
Kelso: Hey guys.
Donna: Kelso, what are you doing?! (She snatches a book from his hands.)
Kelso: I'm looking for Brooke's phone number. I mean why won't she admit that we did it?
Eric: Kelso, there are racehorses, and there are donkeys. And you are a great donkey, you are like top donkey. But she's a racehorse, and guess what? She don't want no donkey.
Kelso: She might. Look, we had a great time together, and not just cause of the sex part, but because we had a really great time. Donna, please help me find her.
Donna: Okay, I'll give you a hint about where she works. It's in a quiet building, you could try and check her out on a date, but she's probably booked for the future.
Kelso: She's a travel agent?
Donna: She translated her love of books into a career.
Kelso: She's a translator.
Donna: (Say's something in Latin.)
Kelso: She's the translator, not me Donna. Y'know, enough with these brain teasers. (He runs to her drawers and pulls out a handful of her panties. Donna tries to grab them from him.) You tell me where Brooke works, and I'll return your underpants to safety.
Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?
Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.
Donna: The library, Kelso, she works in the library. Now will you put my underwear back you perv?
Kelso: I lied. (He runs out the door with Donna's underwear and she chases him.)
Forman's living room:
(Red is sitting on the armchair, reading a magazine. Kitty, Hyde and Jackie are on the couch watching TV.)
Jackie: Ooo wow, those male actors are gorgeous. Y'know I think that Robert Redford is so hot. He's hotter than the sun.
Hyde: He's extremely handsome.
Kitty: You know who I think is sexy? (Hyde and Jackie stare at her oddly.) James Caan in the Godfather. Now, if he made me an offer, I sure couldn't refuse. Yowsa! (Red looks amused.)
Jackie: Do you mind?
Kitty: I'm sorry; I thought we were having a conversation.
Jackie: Y'know what Steven, I actually think that every guy on TV, and in life is hotter than you.
Hyde: Jackie, I know what you're doing, okay? I said Brooke was hot, and now you're totally insecure.
Jackie: Oh I am not insecure, okay? This is a designer sweater, this is designer eye shadow, and those are designer shoes, and they make me feel incredibly secure.
Kitty: You know who else I like? That little fella who plays Colombo. I just wanna give him a bath. (Hyde looks disgusted and Red looks amused.)
Jackie: Steven, why can't you just say that Brooke's not hot? It's common relationship courtesy. If you can't do this, what will you do when I'm old, and ask you if I have crow's feet around my eyes?
Hyde: By the way, that's already starting. (Jackie looks horrified and runs out of the room. Kitty and Red look at him like he's stupid.)
Red: You've never been in a relationship, have you son?
Hyde: What, when she asked if Brooke was hot, I should have lied and said no?
Red: Being honest and screwing yourself is clearly the better plan.
Kitty: Sweetie, white lies help relationships. Like, 'Kitty, even though your pot roast was overdone, I still loved it.'
Red: Oh for the love of God, I did love it. You're a pot roast genius, okay? It was like eating gold.
Hyde: So you're saying lying is good?
Kitty: Exactly. Now go do the right thing, and lie to the woman you love.
Hyde: Red, this is crazy right?
Red: Yeah, they're all nuts. (Kitty glares at him.) Except you, sweetheart.
(Kelso and Fez walk in.)
Fez: Look at all the smart, lonely girls. Little ones, big ones; it's like a virgin pumpkin patch. (Kelso walks up to the counter and rings the bell. Fez walks to the book cases.)
Brooke: Can I help you?
Kelso: Yes, I'd like an order of books please.
Brooke: Could you be more specific?
Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?
Brooke: Could you be more lame?
Kelso: Yes. (A boy walks up behind Kelso, holding a book.)
Kid: Excuse me, I'm trying to read.
Kelso: Don't be a sissy. Y'know what? (He digs in his pocket.) Here's a firecracker, go live a little.
Brooke: Look, I know why you're here and I'm sorry, you're not my type. I was high school valedictorian and you're the antithesis of that.
Kelso: The anti-who-of-what?
Kelso: Okay no, come on don't be like that okay? Look I really like you and I just thought that maybe we could go out some time, like for coffee and then if that went good, then we could go to a movie, and then when we really start to trust each other, you can tell my friends how we did it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Brooke: Look, I don't make it with guys at concerts. I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal system, which I'm sure you've never heard of.
Kelso: Okay I have heard of Dewey Decimal... it's Donald Ducks nephew.
(Eric is sitting on the back of the couch and Kelso and Fez are sitting on the cushions. Hyde is sitting on his chair with his legs on the table and Donna's on the other chair.)
Kelso: I can't believe Brooke. I mean standing there at the library, totally resisting me.
Hyde: I can't believe we have a library.
Eric: I know, what is it like invisible?
Kelso: No, no, you know that parking lot where we drink beer in? (Hyde nods.) Okay, well you know that wall that we lean up against? That's the library. (Hyde mouths 'Oh.')
Fez: Well then, guess who has peed on the library? (Points to himself.)
Kelso: Y'know for the first time in my life, I hope there's not a secret hot girls club, because if there is, I bet Brooke said awful things about me at their last meeting.
(A bunch of girls, including Jackie, Donna and Brooke, are standing around the library talking. Jackie turns around and bangs a gavel on the counter.)
Jackie: Order bitches. (She jumps up to sit on the counter.) The secret hot girls club is now in session.
Donna: Now, last meeting we all decided to go braless, and I just wanna report that operation bazooma bounce is driving the boys insane. (The girls clap.)
Brooke: Hi, my name is Brooke and I've been a hot girl for 6 years.
All: Hi Brooke.
Brooke: And I just wanna let everyone know that Michael Kelso asked me out, and I resisted his charms and turned him down. (The girls gasp.)
Donna: But he's irresistible.
Brooke: That's what I thought, but it's a lie, a lie I tell you.
Jackie: Then it's official. (She bangs her gavel again.) No secret hot girl will ever date Michael Kelso ever again. (The girls clap and cheer.) Okay that's great, that's great. Now this calls for dancing bubble kiss time. (They all start dancing as bubbles float down.)
[End fantasy sequence]
Donna: Kelso, there is no secret hot girls club.
Kelso: Well of course the president won't admit it.
Eric: Y'know I don't care is there's a club or not, dancing bubble kiss time is just a fabulous idea.
Kelso: (Reaches into the deep freeze for a Popsicle.) Well all I know is that Brooke and I had a romantic night together at the concert. Why is she pretending like it didn't happen?
Donna: Well maybe she's embarrassed. I mean she's used to dating really brainy guys.
Hyde: Yeah, not guys who set their own pants on fire. (Donna points at him in agreement.)
Kelso: On a dare. And I won a dollar.
Donna: Kelso, if you want Brooke to like you, y'know maybe you should go down to the library and show her you can be smart.
Kelso: (Whining.) I hate the library. The only good thing about it is that you can check out Playboys. I mean they have every issue since it started.
Eric: Wait, every issue? Are you telling me that they have the one with Pamela Sue Martin, televisions Nancy Drew, in a grotto, straddling the world's luckiest boulder? (Everyone stares at him.) Uh, they have periodicals you say?
(Jackie and Kitty are sitting at the table talking over brownies and coffee.)
Jackie: What is wrong with Steven? I mean why won't he just say that Brooke's not hot?
Kitty: Because he doesn't know how to lie. He's an orphan; he never had a mother to teach him how.
Jackie: I mean, how do I know he loves me if he doesn't obey me?
Kitty: Well, you've chosen a strong man, Jackie and they don't always obey. Now, do I think he should have said that other girl wasn't pretty, yes, but you have to pick your battles.
Jackie: Wait, no, I wanna be right all the time.
Kitty: And you will be. After a few years they just, they give up. (Red walks through the dining room door and heads for the fridge.) Okay, watch. (Red opens a beer and begins to walk out.) Red, could you go to the drug store and get me a Ladies Home Journal?
Red: But I just... (He points to the can.) It's all frosty. (Kitty gives him a pleading look.) Aw Crap! (He puts the beer on the counter and runs out to the driveway. Jackie and Kitty clink cups.)
(Kelso is reading at the counter, and Eric walks up carrying a bunch of magazines.)
Eric: Jackpot my friend. Not only did I get Nancy Drew, but I also got Margot Kidder, Superman's Lois Lane, in an outfit that, let's just say you don't need x-ray vision to appreciate.
Kelso: Well get those outta here, man I'm trying to impress Brooke with my intelligence. Here she comes. (Brooke walks in and goes behind the counter.) Say Eric, this encyclopaedia of scientific terms has really taught me something. See by lifting this encyclopaedia of scientific terms above my head, I'm using my body's stored energy, also known as uranium.
Brooke: Um, actually it's known as calories, but I do believe at some point you were exposed to radiation.
Kelso: Alright look, I don't know what you have against me, but I'm not leaving here until I convince you to go out with me. (The boy walks in with his mother.)
Kid: That's the man who gave me the firecrackers, Mom.
Kelso: I gotta run. (He runs out.)
Brooke: You wanna check something out? (Eric hides the magazines behind his back.)
Eric: No, um is there someone else who can help me? Like a man.
Brooke: So you wanna check out those Playboys, or not?
Eric: Okay, fine. (He puts them on the counter.) I'm a man, I would like these Playboys.
Brooke: (Takes the magazines.) Well, you can't have them. I want you to get in your car, buy some flowers, give them to Donna, and thank God an actual live woman lets you touch her.
Eric: Yes ma'am. (leaves.)
Forman's living room:
(Kitty and Hyde are sitting on the couch. Hyde is eating ice-cream. Jackie walks in.)
Jackie: Okay Steven, I think I figured out a way to end this situation where everybody wins. Now, listen to this question carefully. Is there anyone you said was hot - like Brooke, who you really don't think is hot - like Brooke?
Hyde: Well I could lie and say yes.
Jackie: Then do it. I don't care of you don't mean it; it's the words that count.
Hyde: Jackie, I'm not gonna lie.
Jackie: Fine. (Sits on the arm chair.) Then y'know what, I don't know how to fix this.
(Kitty starts to hum under her breath and whisper 'pick you battles.' Jackie looks at her.)
Jackie: Fine. Steven, I don't care if you think she's hot, because that's how you really feel.
Hyde: Thank you.
Jackie: Hey Steven, will you go to the drug store and get me a Vogue magazine?
Hyde: But I just... (He looks down at his ice-cream.) It's gonna melt. (Jackie looks at him, pouting.) Crap! (He slams the ice-cream on the table and walks out the front door. Jackie and Kitty smile and Jackie grabs his ice-cream.)
(Donna and Eric are sitting on the couch. Jackie is sitting on Hyde's lap in his chair. Fez is pacing behind the couch.)
Fez: Well, my plan to have sex with virgins failed, so I've widened my search from virgins to everyone.
Eric: So, basically you're back to where you started this morning.
Fez: Not really, I had some pie. I've done less in a day.
(Kelso comes in.)
Kelso: Well Donna, turns out Brooke doesn't like intelligent men.
Hyde: Kelso, you didn't have sex with her man, just let it go.
(Brooke walks through the door.)
Brooke: Michael, I need to talk to you.
Kelso: Yeah, about what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: Excuse me. (Points at each person in turn.) Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! (Runs upstairs to Red and Kitty in the kitchen) Burn! Burn! (They look at him like he's an idiot and he runs back down.) Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant. (The gang looks shocked.)
Kelso: I never touched her. (He's goes and sits down.)
(Brooke is working at the counter and Eric peaks at her from behind a pillar. He sees the kid walking towards him)
Eric: Psst kid, hey you see this? (He shows him a Playboy.) That's a Playboy. And inside are things beyond your wildest dreams, magical glorious things. So if you toss it in your book, and you check it out for me, I'll let you have a look see, what do ya say?
Kid: You're pathetic, just go buy a Playboy, you loser.
Eric: Loser? Hey I'm not the one reading Hardy Boys. For your information the stolen money was hidden in the grandfather clock! Who's the loser now?