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Eric Forman's Basement
Eric's 18th Birthday
(Eric is standing behind the couch looking at his watch, Fez is sitting on the couch, Kelso is sitting on the 'other' chair, and Hyde is walking in from his bedroom.)
Eric: And... midnight. So long 17, in the words of Alice Cooper, I'm 18 and I like it.
Hyde: (Sits in his chair.) Happy birthday, Man. (Shakes Eric's hand.)
Kelso: Let's give him his present. (Kelso and Hyde run over to the dryer and pull something out of it.) It's a case of 23 beers. (Hyde and Eric stare at him.)
Kelso: I deserved one, I carried it. (Eric grabs a beer, opens it, and takes a sip.)
Eric: Yeah, that tastes like 18.
Kelso: (Walks across the room.) Whoa, check out the new stereo. Oh it plays records and 8 tracks, this thing's like right out of the future.
Eric: Yeah Donna gave it to me. I think she feels bad that she's going to college without me. So on the one hand I'm losing the girl that I've been in love with since I was 5, but on the other hand I get a crappy stereo.
Kelso: Score! (Eric looks at him.) What? I mean she's going to dump you eventually. (Hyde tosses him a beer.) Rock and roll never dies. (He opens the can and it spills all over his shirt and on the carpet. He sits back in the chair and grins.)
Eric: Kelso, Donna and I are fine, okay? I mean, she's waiting until the very last bus to go to school tomorrow, so we can spend every minute of my birthday together. We're just gonna make this work.
Fez: Eric, long distance relationships don't work. Just ask my girlfriend back home.
Eric: Fez, you have a girlfriend back home?
Fez: No, don't you listen? Long distance relationships don't work.
Eric: You guys, Donna and I are not gonna let a couple of miles come between us, okay? This isn't the end of the world.
(We see Eric slam an empty beer can on the table, alongside many others. He's sitting on the couch, drunk and crying.)
Eric: My world is over, man.
Hyde: Forman, I know what you're thinking. Donna's gonna go to school, meet a whole bunch of people way cooler than you, and probably fall in love with someone else.
Eric: And you don't think she will?
Hyde: Oh, I know she will. My advice to you is drink up. (He hands him another beer.)
Eric: I can't believe she's just leaving, y'know? Hasn't she heard of a little something called sacrifice? Y'know, she sacrifices an education, or a career, or a future of any kind, and in exchange she gets me.
Kelso: I'd make that trade, you're a dependable guy. You don't offer much in the way of excitement, but if it's the same old same old a girls after, look out.
Eric: I never deserved her anyway
Hyde: Well we're here for ya. (He hands him a handkerchief from beside the couch.) Here ya go, dry your eyes. (Eric rubs the rag over his face, and it leaves black grease marks on his cheeks.)
Eric: Thanks you guys, I feel better. (Hyde, Fez and Kelso suppress laughter.)
Kelso: I think we all do.
Hyde: Alright buddy, come on let's get you to bed.
Kelso: (Hyde and Kelso grab Eric and lift him up.) Big boy lets tuck you in.
(Forman's kitchen. Hyde and Kelso are dragging an unconscious Eric, who is now wearing a summer dress. The put him on a chair at the kitchen table.)
Kelso: Alright, sleep tight buddy. (Hyde, Fez and Kelso leave.)
The next morning
(Red and Kitty walk through the kitchen door and see Eric still asleep, with his head on the table.)
Kitty: Oh good lord.
Eric: (Sits up.) What, what?
Red: Happy birthday, dumbass.
(Red is sitting at the table reading the paper and Kitty is standing at the counter pouring coffee.)
Kitty: Okay Red, remember don't tire yourself out today, because tonight is a special night in the bedroom. (She sits down and smiles at him.)
Red: Bob Newhart's on Carson?
Kitty: No silly, it's been a month since your heart attack. Tonight's the night the doctor gave us the okay. (Red looks at her.) Y'know the okay. (She makes air quotes with her fingers as she says 'okay')
Red: (confused) Kitty I don't like clues, just say it.
Kitty: The okay to make love.
Red: Don't say that. (Eric walks in from the dining room.)
Kitty: Well tonight is my only night off this week.
Red: (Looks at Eric.) Let's not talk about it in front of the boy. Or girl, or whatever he is today.
Eric: (Pouring coffee.) Let's not talk about what in front of the boy? Ohhh, you guys are planning a surprise party for me tonight, aren't you? (He sits at the table.) Well first of all, thank you. Second of all let me just say, 18 years old, not too old for ice-cream cake, okay. So where's my special birthday breakfast?
Kitty: Oh my goodness, I've been so busy this morning I forgot all about your breakfast.
Eric: Okay I'll play along. (He laughs.) La de da, here I am, completely unaware that I'm about to get my super birthday breakfast with 4 pieces of bacon.
Kitty: Honey, there is no breakfast.
Eric: (His smile drops suddenly.) Mom gags over, gimmie the bacon.
Red: Are you sure you want bacon? It's fattening. You barely fit into your best dress as it is. (Kitty smothers a laugh.)
Kitty: Eric honey, let me make it up to you. How about tonight instead of hanging out around here you just... you take the night off.
Eric: Oh, because there's 'no party'. I'm with ya.
(Jackie is sitting in Hyde's lap and they are making out on Donna's bed.)
Jackie: Steven I am so glad we're back together. I thought I'd lost my little Puddin' Pop forever.
Hyde: Wanna hear something sick? I actually missed you calling me Puddin' Pop. (Jackie smiles at him and they begin making out again. Donna and Eric walk in.)
Donna: How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed? (Jackie and Hyde break apart and look irritably at Donna.) You guys are like cats, you don't even listen. (She picks up a squirt bottle full of water from her desk and begins to spray them.) Down! (Jackie and Hyde jump up and stand by the bed. Eric laughs.)
Jackie: Donna! Donna you know what? You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore. Besides, I just can't keep my hands off my Puddin' Pop. (Jackie and Hyde kiss.)
Donna/Hyde: Puddin' Pop?
Hyde: (Nervous) Is that supposed to be me? I've never heard that name before in my life. (Hyde drags Jackie out of the room behind him, and Donna and Eric laugh.)
Eric: Donna, you're amazing. Taking the midnight bus tonight, just so you can spend my whole birthday with me that... I swear that is right up there with not wearing a bra in public.
Donna: (Starts packing stuff from her desk into boxes.) Wow, you're taking this really well.
Eric: Yeah well, I know I have a history of ruining these things. Birthdays, holidays, that perm that made you look like a poodle. But I'm not gonna do that okay? I'm not gonna ruin our last day together. (Donna nods and smiles at him, and picks up a toaster packing it into a box.) Oh, so you're taking the toaster.
Eric: Ah, it's just y'know we bought it together, so I guess I kinda though it was like our toaster. What do I know, it's not like I'm the one going to college right? You are - with my toaster.
Donna: Okay Eric if it's a problem...
Eric: Oh, it's a problem. You thought you could just sneak it out of town without telling me, cause you knew it was wrong, didn't ya lady?
Donna: (Angry) Okay Eric, I don't know what your deal is, but you're ruining our last day together.
Eric: (Snatches the toaster out of the box.) I wouldn't be me if I didn't ruin it! (He goes to leave but turns suddenly at the door.) You know what? (Throws the toaster into a nearby box.) Enjoy your toast, I hope it burns!
Forman's living room:
(Hyde's sitting on the couch watching TV. Eric walks in and looks at the screen before sitting next to him.)
Eric: Oh man, Casablanca. This is the part where Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman they'll always have Paris.
Hyde: (Not looking impressed) What's his problem? The guy owns a bar, man, he'd be beating those French sluts off with a stick. How'd it go with Donna?
Eric: I ruined it. And I knew I was ruining it, while I was ruining it. I just kept on ruining it. Now Bogey y'know... that guy knows how to let a woman go. "Here's lookin' at you Kid." I threw a toaster.
Hyde: Hey if you wanna be like Bogey you gotta let her go. Only Bogey'll get another hot girl. You, I see Star Wars conventions and fat chicks.
Eric: Hey, Bogey and I have more in common than you think.
(The shot is in black and white and Eric's in a suit, looking like Bogey in Casablanca. He's sitting at a table with a bottle, talking shots.)
Eric: Of all the teenage burger hangouts, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine, only to walk right back out again.
(He takes a shot and stands up. He walks over to Fez, who is sitting at the next table in front of a keyboard, in a suit.)
Eric: Play it Fez.
Fez: It'll cost you a Baby Ruth. (Eric takes one out of his pocket and throws it into a bowl on the top of the keyboard. Fez fiddles with the switches on the keyboard, and begins to play as Eric takes a seat in front of him, looking brooding and melancholy)
Fez: (Singing) Hold the line, Love isn't always on time. (Oh no, no, no) Hold the Line, Love isn't always on time (love isn't always on time).
(Eric begins to mouth along with him.)
Hyde: Now I want a Baby Ruth. Hey, let's go to the Hub.
Eric: (Looks at is watch) Uh, I can't.
Hyde: (Takes Eric's wrist) Let me see that. Forman, I think there's a rule that when you turn 18 you can't let Scooby tell you the time anymore.
Eric: Shows what you know Hyde, that's Deputy Dawg.
Jackie: I can't wait until all of Donna's giant clothes are out of the closet. I don't even go in there now. I'm afraid I'll fall into one of her big shoes, and never be heard from again.
Kelso: Well I guess I must be Eric's best friend, 'cause I'm the only one took the trouble of getting him a birthday cake. (He lifts up a piece of cake and eats it.) It's good too.
Fez: Maybe we should think about getting him something else. What do you think, Puddin Pop?
Hyde: (Hyde laughs uncomfortably) Why does everybody keep calling me that? My name's not Puddin' Pop, I've never heard that name before in my life. Forman's dead.
Jackie: Hey if you guys think that's funny, you should hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his... (Hyde's hand shoots out and shoves a piece of cake in Jackie's face.) Hey! Oh hey, that's some good cake.
Forman's living room:
(Kelso, Donna and Fez are sitting on the couch, and Jackie is sitting in Hyde's lap, in the armchair.)
Jackie: (To Donna.) So I heard Eric threw a toaster.
Hyde: It's almost as bad as the time he called you a poodle head.
Donna: Which he brought up again today.
Kelso: He's not good.
Jackie: Well I'm just surprised Eric was able to lift the toaster. (Hyde laughs and Eric walks in.)
Eric: Hey. Donna I've been looking all over for you. I'm so sorry I was such a jerk earlier. It's your last day, and it's my birthday I just... I wanna spend it together.
Donna: Eric it's okay, I know you don't care about the toaster. You're sad I'm leaving and I'm sad too.
Fez: Hey don't take him back, he threw a toaster.
Eric: Hey, shouldn't my surprise party have started already?
Hyde: We keep telling you there's no party man, it's like you're deaf.
Kelso: (Gets up to stand in front of Eric. He signs while he talks.) Eric there is no party. (He sits back down. Kitty walks through the front door.)
Kitty: No, no, no, why are you here? You can't be here.
Eric: Oh right, I'll go outside, then I'll come back, and you guys yell 'surprise!' and I'll yell 'you got me!'
Kitty: Eric honey, there's no party.
Eric: What? (He looks at everyone for conformation.) How can there not be a party? Mom, what is more important than your only son's 18th birthday? (Kitty looks at all the kids, and the kids look back questioningly.)
Kitty: Okay fine. For the first time since his heart attack your father and I are having intercourse. (The whole gang yell and flinch away disgusted.)
Fez: Sexy. (Red walks down the stairs.)
Red: Okay let's get this over with.
Kitty: Happy birthday. (She goes upstairs.)
(Eric is pacing the room upset, while Hyde sits in his chair and Kelso and Fez are on the couch.)
Eric: I can't friggin' believe my Mom didn't plan a friggin' party on my 18th friggin' birthday. The only party going on in this house is in their bedroom, and that's all ugh!
Hyde: Forman, you hate it when your Mom does stuff for your birthday. Remember 2 years ago?
Forman's front yard:
(Eric is wearing a cowboy hat that's too small for him, and straddling a tiny pony. It's so small that he's just standing over it. Kitty is holding a camera and smiling next to Red.)
Eric: I'm 16.
Red: Hey, your mother worked very hard on this party, now you be nice to her or we're cancelling the puppet show. (Kitty laughs and Eric rolls his eyes.)
Kitty: Oh sit on the tiny horse, so I can take a picture.
Eric: I can't Mom, I'll kill it
Eric: Yeah okay, fine but she should have done something for me.
Hyde: Well we're here for ya. We scraped together a few bucks and got you something you cannactually use. (He hands him something.)
Eric: What is it?
Hyde: It's a knob for your new stereo.
Eric: Wait, did you guys just take this off while I wasn't looking?
Fez: Eric, there's an old saying. 'Don't look a gift horse in the knob'.
Eric: And what happened to my Led Zeppelin 8 track?
Kelso: You mean gift number 2. (He pulls the 8 track from beside him, and hands it to Eric.)
Kitty and Red's bedroom:
(Red is waiting in his dressing gown by the bed. Kitty walks in, in hers.)
Kitty: Well hello handsome.
Red: Boy am I tired. I think I'll just go to bed.
Kitty: Red Forman what has gotten into you?
Red: I just think that there are more appropriate ways for us to spend our time. Like you knit and I'll whittle. (Kitty looks at him.) That's a nice life.
Kitty: Red, I know what this is about. You're afraid of getting physical so soon after your heart attack.
Red: Kitty, you know I love what we do. Am I willing to die for it?
Kitty: (She smiles.) Now you just relax, nurse Kitty is here to take care of you.
(Eric sits on the back of the couch, looking at his watch. Kelso and Fez are sitting on the couch and Hyde is in his chair.)
Eric: Well, big paw's on the 11 so it's almost time to take Donna to the bus station. This is it you guys, she's really going away.
Hyde: Forman, we have just the thing to make you feel better. Psst. (He nods to Kelso, who gets up and goes to the shower.) Another case of beer!
Eric: Oh, I'm just not really in the mood to put on a dress. But thanks anyway Puddin' Pop.
Kelso: Aw! Look man, if you want her to stay, can't you just ask her to stay?
Eric: You have no idea how badly I wanna do that but I just, I don't think it'd be fair to her.
Kelso: Fair to her. Who cares what the woman thinks? This is America.
Eric: Y'know what? I already screwed this up once today, I am not gonna screw this up again. I'm gonna fight every bad instinct I have, and I'm just gonna let her go. Like Bogey did in Casablanca.
Fez: Wait so that's it? Nobody's gonna drink beer and put on a dress? (Kelso and Hyde look at each other, smirking.)
Hyde: Hey Fez, you wanna beer? (Kelso hands him one.)
(Donna and Eric walk in.)
Donna: Jackie! (We see Jackie sitting on Donna's bed, painting her name in huge letters on the wall, underneath a rainbow.) What did you do to my room?
Jackie: Your room? Uh, read the wall Donna.
Donna: Jackie, this is still my room until I leave, so will you get out and give me and Eric a few minutes alone?
Jackie: But I still have to paint the heart over the 'I' (Donna sprays Jackie with the bottle again.)
Donna: Out, shoo.
Jackie: Oh God, alright Donna! (Jackie runs out and Bob walks in.)
Bob: Okay you're all packed. I can't believe my baby's leaving.
Eric: Well hey, I'll still be around, sir.
Bob: Why would I wanna pal around with you? All you did was dirty her up. (Bob leaves and Donna walks over to the mirror to check how she looks. Eric watches her and she makes a face at him before turning around)
Eric: You should probably get going. (He goes to pick up her suitcase and when he turns around, Donna hands him a cupcake with a candle in it.)
Donna: Happy birthday, Eric.
Eric: Donna this is the nicest thing anyone's done for me all day.
Donna: Make a wish. (He blows out the candle. They kiss until Bob walks in.)
Bob: Oh boy, do I smell cupcakes?
(Eric walks Donna to the front of the bus.)
Donna: So... I'm really gonna miss you.
Eric: Yeah me too. Donna I'm really happy for you. (They hug.)
Donna: Well, bye I guess. (She walks off.)
Eric: Donna wait!
(Eric is Bogey again, and Donna is Ingrid Bergman. They're playing out the end of Casablanca, as Ingrid's about to get on the plane. Eric runs up and grabs her arm.)
Eric: Donna you have to stay.
Donna: Stay? You're supposed to tell me to go.
Eric: No if you leave you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but in a couple of weeks or... at least by Christmas.
Donna: Oh my God, you're such a loser.
Donna: Here's looking at you, dork.
Donna: What did you wanna tell me?
Eric: Have a safe trip.
Donna: Thanks. (She leaves and goes around the other side of the bus to board. The bus pulls away and Eric looks up to see Donna standing on the sidewalk staring at him.)
Eric: Donna, what?
Donna: I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. This whole time I was thinking I was supposed to leave, and then when the time came to get on the bus, I couldn't do it. I'll figure collage out later, all I know is I wanna stay here with you. (They hug.)
Eric: Oh my God, Donna, that's what I wished for. (They kiss.)
(The El Camino drives up besides them and Hyde, Kelso and Fez in a dress get out.)
Fez: Donna we didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
Eric: Did you guys get him drunk and make him wear a dress?
Fez: Yes, but I've been wanting to do this for sometime.
(Kitty and Red are sitting at the table.)
Kitty: To tired (Laughs)
Red: Yeah that was pretty silly.
Kitty: Knit and Whittle. (Laughs again.)
Red: Yeah I hate to whittle.
(Fez walks in hung-over and still in the dress.)
Fez: Where's the aspirin? (Kitty and Red stare at him.) Oh like you've never woken up in a dress before. (Leaves.)