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Forman's front yard:
(Jackie and Donna walk onto the driveway in their swimsuits, carrying deckchairs.)
Jackie: Alright, Donna put your chair here. (They set both chairs next to each other.) I wanna get Steven's attention, and with you next to me I'll look like a tiny porcelain doll. (Jackie sits down. In the background Hyde, Eric and Kelso watch them through the sliding glass door.)
Donna: Y'know Jackie, some people actually consider me to be of normal height. (She sets down a bottle of sun block on the ground, and sits down.)
Jackie: Sure if they're green and jolly. (They both laugh and tilt their heads up to let themselves tan.)
(The boys are staring at them.)
Eric: I can't take it. Watching Donna lie out, knowing she's gonna go to college and I have to stay here, she's so, so...
Eric: (dreamily) My juicy.
Hyde: Well I'm not gonna stay here locked in the house just cause Jackie looks... ridiculously hot in that bathing suit. Later Forman. (He walks outside and Kelso follows.)
Eric: Bye bye juicy
(Kelso and Hyde walk over to where the girls are sitting.)
Kelso: Ladies. Ladies bodies.
(Jackie gets up and stands next to Hyde.)
Jackie: Y'know I wish someone would rub lotion on my shoulders. Think they're getting a little red.
Hyde: Yeah, you should be careful. Looks like you're starting to scab. (Walks off.)
Kelso: Oh, that's a burn about a burn - that's a second degree burn!
Donna: (Gets up) Y'know Jackie, I think maybe Hyde's moved on.
Jackie: No. No, no, no, no. You don't just move on from Jackie Burkhardt. I'm like the bottle, you need a twelve step program to break my spell.
Kelso: Okay ladies. All these sound waves are interfering with my sunrays. (Takes off his shirt and sits down.) Let's tan. (Picks up the sun block bottle) Alright, I'm gonna need you to lotion me up darling, but only rub where you can see - no roaming. (He hands Donna the bottle and she unscrews the lid, squeezing the entire bottle onto his chest. They walk off and Kelso tries to rub it in.)
(Red and Kitty sit at the table eating. Eric walks in.)
Eric: Hey Mom, Dad, I have something I wanna tell you. I've decided not to move away.
Red: (Annoyed) What?
Eric: Yeah, I'm gonna stay and put off college for just a little while or at least until you're well enough to go back to work. (Kitty gets up and runs over to hug him, crying.)
Kitty: My baby, my baby, my baby.
Eric: Mom okay, okay mom, this is actually kind of embarrassing. You're actually really hurting me, yeah. (She lets go.)
Red: You mean I've been waiting eighteen years for you to get your butt out of this house, and now you're staying?
Eric: Look Mom, I signed over my pay check to you. (He hands it to her.) I uh, I want you to go buy yourself something pretty. Or I don't know... electricity.
Kitty: Oh honey, thank you. (She hugs him again.) Red it wouldn't kill you to thank him.
Red: It might I just had a heart attack.
Kitty: Speaking of which, (She puts a piece pf paper in front of him.) I just found this in the garbage. Why would you throw away the list of all the food the doctor said we couldn't have in the house?
Red: Kitty did you look at that list? If I had known what I was coming home to after my heart attack, I would've walked straight into that bright light and never looked back.
Kitty: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. (She sits back down.) I'll do it with you. Cause what's good for the goose, is good for the gander.
Eric: Actually Mom, Dad's the gander. (They stare at him.) The male goose. So it would be what's good for the gander is good for the goose. (Sits down) So, (he picks up the paper.) lets take a gander at what you're giving up with the gander. (He laughs while Red and Kitty continue to stare at him.) That's how you do that. (Reads from the paper.) Okay, potato chips, other salty snacks.
Kitty: Good advice, that doctor obviously knows what he's talking about.
Eric: Butter, heavy cream, cheese.
Kitty: Gone, makes a lot of sense.
Eric: Alcoholic Beverages.
Kitty: Okay, that doctor's a quack. (Snatches the paper from him and walks off)
(Donna's taking her clothes out of her closet and packing her stuff up. Eric watches her.)
Donna: (Upset) God, it's gonna be so hard going off to college without you. But we'll see each other on the weekends right?
Eric: Well you say that now, but then there's that weekend when you call home and say you have to study, but I here Moose, the place kicker in the background, asking if you want another shot of tequila.
Donna: Eric that would never happen. I would never date a place kicker, it's Quarterback or nothing for me. (Eric laughs and they hug.) Y'know the more I think about leaving you, the sadder I get. And the sadder I get, the more I wanna be with you. Right now.
Eric: Now? (Looks at his watch.) Well yeah, I... (Donna cuts him off by shoving him down on her bed. He starts babbling out of shock.) Whoa, alright this is great, it'll be like completely spontaneous, like I just...
Donna: (Undoing his shirt.) Why are you talking?
Eric: I'm sorry, I... (She shuts him up by kissing him) Okay.
(Eric is sitting on the couch eating potato chips. Hyde is sitting on his chair watching TV, and Kelso and Fez are standing. Jackie's playing with Eric's stereo.)
Eric: So it turns out that going away sex is even hotter than make up sex. It's like these chips, they say now even crunchier, and you're thinking, oh man there is no way, but then you take a bite and it is crunchier.
Kelso: Dude if something's crunchy, you should really have that looked at. (He sits on the other chair)
Eric: (Gets up and heads for the door.) There's no time my friend, I have a distraught neighbour girl to attend to. Dry your eyes baby, the lovin's on its way! (Leaves. Jackie and Fez sit on the couch. Jackie puts her feet on the table and Fez stares at her foot.)
Fez: (Excited) Toe ring.
Jackie: Oh, Fez you like? (Looks at Hyde) Yeah, got a toe ring.
Fez: On the little piggy that went to the market.
Jackie: Steven what do you think?
(Close up on Hyde acting out what he's thinking. He sweating and shaking.)
Hyde: Can't resist toe ring.
(Shot goes back to what he's actually doing.)
Hyde: Whatever. (He sniffs and ignores her)
Jackie: Well y'know I have all sorts of things now that I didn't have when we were going out. Toe ring, tan lines, a tattoo.
Hyde: You don't have a tattoo, you're bluffing... do you have a tattoo?
Jackie: Well we're not going out, so I guess you'll never know. (Gets up and walks to the door.) Ugh this bra is so uncomfortable. Y'know I think I'm gonna stop wearing them all together. See ya. (She leaves and Hyde stares after her.)
Kelso: Look at you watching her, you love her man. (Impersonating Hyde.) Oh baby I love you so much (He and Fez lean toward each other and start kissing the air.)
Kelso: (Laughs) Were you doing Jackie?
Fez: (Guiltily) Yes, yes.
Hyde: (Gets up) Why am I even thinking about her? Man, she's like Tahiti. It's warm and it's beautiful and you wanna go there, but when you do you get bit by a mosquito, and you get Malaria and you're sick for the rest of your life.
Kelso: Well she's obviously not over you either; I mean she's practically putting on a show to get your attention. Just imagine it.
(Jackie and Donna are on a stage, dressed like show girls. They dance around two chairs before Kelso walks through the back curtain in pants and a bow tie. He dances between them before ripping off his pants.)
Kelso: (Off Hyde and Fez's look) I love to dance.
(Red is standing packing food away and Hyde is sitting at the counter. Eric and Kitty walk in carrying boxes full of bottles.)
Kitty: Okay the doctor wins; Eric and I boxed up all the liquor.
Eric: (to Hyde) Man look at all this, it's like Dean Martin exploded. There were bottles in the liquor cabinet, the dining room hutch... my Mom's nightstand. (Holds up a bottle.)
Kitty: Oh no, no, that's for polishing furniture.
Eric: Mom, there's lipstick on it.
Hyde: It's just your luck Forman. You're about to turn eighteen and there's gonna be no hooch left in the house to steal. (Red and Kitty look at him.) I mean avoid. Do homework next to. Pray near. Come on!
Red: Yeah, it's gonna be pretty boring around here. You know what you should do? Go to college.
Eric: Mom would it be too much to ask for Dad to be grateful that I'm staying?
Kitty: Honey, we're all going through hard times. You're giving up your future, I'm giving up my Schnapps. Let's not compare our pain.
Eric: Hey, sorry I'm late. Donna was really upset about leaving, so I had to comfort her in a bedular way. Yeah it turns out if I get her sad, she gives it away like goldfish at a freakin' carnival.
Fez: Eric, I think you may have found a secret open sesame to sex - make the lady cry. Perhaps I should try that with my wife. Laurie here's a dead cat, now do me.
Hyde: A little history Fez, I think Laurie has a lot of open sesames. Like, 'Hi Laurie'... that usually does it.
Kelso: Actually I only ever got as far as 'Hi'. Fez I did it with your wife!
Eric: God I have so much power over Donna now, it's like I know how Obi-Wan Kenobi feels. (Impersonates Obi-Wan Kenobi) These aren't the droids you're looking for. Man, I wish I could do it with Donna in a land speeder on (Some star wars reference I can't comprehend) That would be so awesome.
(Fez and Hyde are sitting at a table and have just finished eating. Jackie walks in.)
Jackie: Hey Steven, check out my new super sexy tattoo. (She lifts up her shirt to show him a daisy on her stomach.) Hard to keep your hands off, huh? (Hyde dips his napkin into his glass of water and rubs the 'tattoo' off) Steven! (She pulls her shirt down)
Hyde: Sorry, here's your tattoo back. (He hands her the napkin. She ignores it and Fez reaches for it.)
Fez: I'll take that.
Jackie: Steven why are you being so difficult?
Hyde: Jackie no amount of tattoos or toe rings, are gonna fix the fact that you have a lot to apologise for.
Jackie: You're the one who should apologise.
Hyde: Well then I guess we're not getting back together.
Jackie: I guess we're not. Oh and by the way, you don't deserve a real tattoo. But if I were to get one, I'd show it to Fez before I'd ever show it to you. (Walks out)
Fez: I hope she gets it on her hienie.
(Donna and Eric are sitting on the couch, reading a magazine, Jackie's sitting on the other chair, and Kelso is pacing the room.)
Kelso: But Jackie, it really bugs me that you and Hyde aren't back together, so as the man who used to pleasure you endlessly, (Jackie gives him a whatever look) I feel it is my obligation to step in and fix this, cause when I'm a cop I'm gonna have to deal with domestic cases like this all the time.
Donna: And the good news is - he'll have guns.
Kelso: Yeah, this is gonna be a piece of cake. Y'know they should have put me in charge of Vietnam, I would have had those people making out in a week. (Leaves)
Eric: Wow Donna that might be the last time you'll ever get to see Kelso make an even bigger mess of a problem.
Donna: Yeah I'm gonna miss that. And I'm gonna miss you.
Jackie: Well I'm not gonna miss you two slobbering all over each other like fat girls in a house with free meat. (Leaves)
Eric: And that might be the last time that Jackie ever makes fun of us, fat girls, and meat.
Donna: Yeah (They suddenly jump on each other and begin making out)
(Donna and Eric stand outside the Vista Cruiser)
Eric: Nothing, it just could be the last time that you and I stand beside the Vista Cruiser. I just waxed her she's all slippy slidy. (Donna pushes Eric against the car and they start making out)
(Donna and Eric are in Donna's room. Donna's sitting at her desk)
Eric: Donna this might be the last time I bring you your toothbrush
Donna: That's not my toothbrush.
Eric: Might be the last time I bring you the wrong toothbrush.
(Donna shoves all the stuff off her desk and they begin making out on it.)
(Laurie is sorting out her laundry. Fez walks in behind her.)
Fez: (trying to be sexy) Hello darling. I see you are washing your unmentionables.
Laurie: Yeah, do you know what gets out grass stains and Kailua?
Fez: Anyways, I was thinking how sad you must be considering the mess you made of your life. With all that sadness, do you not also get needy?
Laurie: Y'know I sorta do
Fez: (excited) Ali Baba the treasure is mine!
Laurie: I'm gonna go see if Carlos is home
Fez: That Carlos is one lucky SOB to have a wife like mine.
Forman's front porch:
(Kelso and Hyde are sitting in lawn chairs talking.)
Kelso: Look Hyde, I know you don't wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry, but come on there's gotta some things that you did, that you wish you hadn't done. Like that time that you told me to eat that stuff, and I didn't know what it was, and then you licked your lips, and you rubbed you stomach, and you were like 'Mmm it's really good Kelso', and then I ate it and then I wished I hadn't of done that.
Hyde: Yeah, well, maybe with Jackie I was sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.
Kelso: Now see, that's something that Jackie oughta know.
(Jackie and Donna's room. Kelso is talking to Jackie.)
Kelso: Hyde say's that he was sort of infectious and he has a rash.
Kelso: I'm just telling you what he said.
Jackie: Alright look Michael, Steven's the one who messed up the relationship. He thought you and I were together but he was just wrong. He fabricated the whole mess.
Kelso: Well somebody ought to make that clear.
(Forman's driveway. Hyde is playing basketball)
Kelso: Jackie wants you to know that there was a mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.
Hyde: That can't be what she said
Kelso: It's word for word man.
Hyde: (Irritated) Kelso would you get outta here?
Kelso: What I'm helping.
Hyde: You're making me wanna kick your ass.
Kelso: That better be the rash talking. (Kelso walks away and Hyde throws a ball at his back.)
(Red sneaks through the kitchen door checking for people. He gets to the bench top and takes a can of beer out of a paper bag. Behind him we see Kitty by the shelves of the porch door watching him, after Red fails to see her)
Kitty: Busted mister. (Red looks around startled)
Red: You're like a damn cat. I'm gonna make you wear a bell.
Kitty: Bad health in a can, that's what that is. The doctor said he wants nothing like that around here, and I agree. All it takes is a little bit of will power Red. (As she says this, she's talking out a hidden bottle of alcohol from a cookie tin, without noticing.) Even though you used to do something without thinking, you just have to grab a hold of those thoughts. (She pours herself a drink, and Red watches her.)
Red: (Watches her take a drink) Can I get you a refill there? (Kitty notices what she's doing and Red looks smug.)
Kitty: Well there's a lesson for you. You're welcome. (She leaves and Eric enters.)
Red: Oh hey, listen son. Y'know, it means a lot to your mother, you staying here and helping out the family. And uh, as for me I… well uh (he pulls a note out of his back pocket and hands it to Eric.) There. Doctor said I should write down my feelings.
Eric: Are you actually thanking me? (He opens the note.) This is a list of yard work.
Red: Yeah, the lawn thanks you for all that mowing you're gonna do.
Eric: You're welcome Dad.
Red: Yeah well… (Eric goes to hug him, Red pushes him way) Alight we're both men here.
(Donna and Eric are sitting on the couch watching TV)
Eric: Uh God.
Donna: What's wrong?
Eric: Nothing it's just this could be the last time that you and I watch Gilligan get hit on the head by the Skipper.
Donna: Eric, the more we talk about me going away, the sadder you get. And being with you so much lately has been great, but afterwards… well you always used to look a little bit ashamed, and I mean now you just seem depressed.
Eric: Oh no, no, I'm not depressed Donna, you are depressed. (Gets up and wipes off the table.) Okay let's do this.
Donna: (Gets up) Okay hold on. All this last time stuff, have you been saying that just for sex?
Eric: What? Have I... what? (Resumes his earlier Obi-Wan impersonation) This is not the one you're angry with.
Donna: You're disgusting (She leaves and Eric sits back on the couch. As soon as the door closes she comes back through it and runs to Eric.) Eric that might be the last time we fight over you trying to get me to have sex with you.
Eric: I know (They make out on the couch.)
(Kelso and Fez are sitting on the couch)
Kelso: Y'know Fez, this whole thing with Hyde and Jackie is stupid. I mean they both wanna be together, and they would in a second if they just thought that other one had said I'm sorry. (Jumps up) Eureka Fez, Eureka!
Fez: I'm one step ahead of you my friend.
Kelso: Yeah I'll just lie to both of them, and tell them the other one said I'm sorry.
Fez: Oh I though we were going to pan for gold. Okay.
(Forman's driveway. Kelso stands between Hyde and Jackie who are facing each other.)
Kelso: Okay here we go, lets make up.
Jackie: Alright, look Steven I heard what you said.
Hyde: Yeah I heard what... wait a minute, you heard what I said?
Jackie: Yeah Michael told me, and just so you know I'm sorry too.
Hyde: Too? No, you're not sorry too, you're sorry one, I'm sorry too.
Jackie: Wait, what, no Michael said that...
Hyde: Yeah he said that... (They both turn to look at Kelso.)
Kelso: Whoa, I did my work; you two gotta clean this mess up yourselves.
Hyde: So nothing's changed then?
Jackie: Guess not.
Hyde: Forget this
Jackie: Fine. (They begin to walk off but Kelso grabs them.)
Kelso: Okay enough. Look you guys, who cares who apologised first? Look Jackie obviously wants to be with you, and you're here which means that means you wanna be with her, and I don't blame you cause with that rash you ain't got a whole lotta choices.
Jackie: Alright, look Steven do you wanna be with me?
(Hyde shrugs noncommittally)
Jackie: No, no a shrugs not gonna cut it. Steven I need you to say something. Alright look I'll even go first. Steven I wanna be with you. And you...
Hyde: I... Can you hang on a second? (He turns around to look at Kelso) Would you get outta here? (Punches him in the arm.)
Kelso: God if you want me to leave, all you have to do is say please.
Hyde: Fine, please. (Punches him harder.)
Kelso: That's better. (Walks off. Hyde turns back around to Jackie.)
Hyde: Jackie I do wanna be with you.
Jackie: Because you love...
Hyde: Don't push it.
Jackie: Okay (They kiss.)
(Hyde is sitting on the couch watching TV and drinking a soda. Red walks down the steps.)
Red: Hey Steven. Where's your beer?
Hyde: What? Me, beer?
Red: Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer?
(Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.)
Red: I don't want used beer.
Hyde: Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower
(Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer)
Hyde: Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store.
(Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.)