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Holiday Hotel Bar
[Eric, Fez, Hyde, Kelso]
Eric: Ah the annual nurse’s convention. You know, according to my bathroom reading, all nurses are actually horny for high school boys.
Hyde: Why do you think those hospital gowns have no backs ? So the nurses can check out your ass.
Kelso: Look at this sexy stampede. It’s like Wild Kingdom.
Fez: I will stalk their sexy herd like a lion. I cannot run as fast, but let’s see a lion put on this much cologne.
[Red and Kitty enter]
Kitty: Oh look Red. All of my colleagues gathered together to talk about health and medicine.
Red: And to drink until their livers turn into cocktail onions.
Kitty: Red, it is not that bad.
Red: Yeah ? What about last year when you and your buddies took the bellboy’s pants?
Kitty: Well they were all wet.
Red: Because you threw him in the pool.
Fez: Oh hey Roy.
Roy: Hey guys. Oh, stay away from this batch of egg rolls. They were on the floor.
Eric: Oh, you dropped ‘em ?
Roy: No, I was lyin’ down.
Fez: You know, if I were God, this is what heaven would be like; Pretty girls in white and free egg rolls.
Eric: Fez, I thought you said heaven would be French maids with licorice hair and gum drop nipples.
Fez: Oh no, that’s my thirtieth birthday.
[Hot Nurse walks up to Hyde with Roy nearby]
Hot Nurse: Hi there. So do you work here?
Hyde: Yeah, I’m stuck here all night.
Hot Nurse: That’s good, ‘cause I’ll probably be doin’ some things I’ll regret later. If you’re interested.
Hyde: Thanks for the offer, but … I have a girlfriend.
Hot Nurse: What a coincidence. I have a room.
[Hyde walks away as Roy butts in]
Roy: You know, I don’t have a girlfriend, but I have written several love letters to Barbara Walters so uhh …
[Hot Nurse walks away, Kelso and Fez walk up]
Kelso: Roy, you’re goin’ after the wrong ones man. You gotta think like a lion and pick off the weakest member of the herd. Well, like that one with the braces and the desperate eyes.
Fez: Oh, she’s not makin’ it past sundown. Rowr !
[Fez head off in pursuit]
The Forman Basement
[Fez napping as Eric and Kelso enter]
Eric: Aww, look at him. All tuckered out from a day of chasin’ nurses.
Kelso: Yeah, it’s like a gigantic horny baby.
Eric: I bet he’s havin’ sweet dreams.
[Fez dreams he’s in a hospital]
Hot Nurse: Welcome to the clinic for sexy foreigners. Tell me where it hurts baby.
Fez: Oh, I have a bad case of horniness for nurses.
Hot Nurse: What you need is a sexy sponge bath.
Fez: I like the way you … operate.
Hot Nurse: How’s that?
Fez: It’s not bad.
Hot Nurse: But I sure am.
Fez: Yes you are, naughty nurse. Maybe you need a little spanking.
[Kelso replaces nurse in Fez’s dream]
Kelso: Maybe I do. Now why don’t you turn your head and cough ?
Kelso: Oh, what’s the problem buddy ?
Fez: Ahhhh !
[Fez wakes up]
Kelso: What’s the problem buddy ?
Fez: Ahhhh !
[Fez runs out]
The Pinciotti Living Room
[Bob, Joanne, Eric and Donna]
Bob: So anyways Eric, me and Joanne feel real bad since Red fired you, so we decided to get you a job; On account we’re pretty sure you’re not gonna be successful on your own.
Donna: Isn’t that great? See, now you can save up for school and we can get married.
Eric: Wow, I … had heard crazy rumors that sometimes parents helped children but, I just always thought it was just some beautiful fairy tale.
Joanne: A position opened up at my company and it’s yours if you want it.
Eric: Oh my God! I’ll take it! This is great!
Bob: Yup, she’s as generous in real life as she is in the sack.
Eric: Wow that’s … wildly inappropriate. So … Joanne, about my new job, I don’t even know where you work.
Joanne: The dog food factory.
Eric: The … the dog food factory! I didn’t see that comin’.
The Forman Basement
[Hyde as Jackie comes in and kisses him]
Jackie: Hey !
Jackie: How was your day ?
Hyde: Oh, it was brutal. How can nurses wolf down mini-pizzas right after watching a film strip on butt rashes ?
Jackie: Yeah, no I know. Michael and I were hanging out at The Hub and he told me it’s been tough.
Hyde: What ? No no no. You don’t need to be hangin’ out with Kelso alone.
Jackie: Why not ?
Hyde: Because I don’t trust him.
Jackie: Yeah, but don’t you trust me ?
Hyde: No ! Haven’t you been paying attention? I don’t trust anything. I don’t trust the government. I don’t trust the newspapers. I not even sure that what time we think it is right now is really what time it is. But most of all, I don’t trust you and Kelso alone together.
Jackie: Alright. You know I guess I deserve that. So I promise I won’t be alone with Michael anymore. However, I do think you’re making a big deal out of nothing.
Hyde: That’s what you said after you yelled get off my boyfriend when you saw Kelso kissing Annette.
Jackie: Okay, whattoo I have to do to get you to stop bringin’ that up ?
[Hyde raises eyebrows suggestively]
Jackie: I’m not doing that.
Hyde: I’m gonna keep bringing it up.
The Forman Driveway
[Fez, Eric and Donna as Kelso arrives and slaps Fez on the butt]
Kelso: Alright. Let’s play some ball.
Fez: Why would you slap me on the butt ? Is there something about me that would make you think that I, a boy, would like you, another boy, to put his hand on my butt ?
Kelso: Ahh … no ?
Fez: Then keep your hands to yourself butt slapper.
Eric: Okay, let’s … just play some ball.
Kelso: Alright, ah, me and Fez are shirts. You and Donna be skins ?
Donna: Once again Kelso, you’re not gonna fool me into bein’ skins.
Kelso: Loosen up Big D. Fine, we’ll be skins !
[Kelso removes his shirt and Fez stares at him uncomfortably]
Fez: Oh, look at Mr. Handsome taking his shirt off. As if that were something I would dream about.
Kelso: Okay, what is your problem man ?
Fez: It’s just … Okay … Umm … Has anyone ever had a dream where you were with a girl ?
Eric: Oh hell yeah, Miss October.
Donna: Hey !
Eric: And you know what I said to her ? I said … get the hell out of my dream Miss October; I’m Donna’s man.
Fez: Now, has any of you ever had a dream where you were with the opposite of a girl ?
Kelso: Right, two girls ? Sure.
Fez: Well see, I had a dream. And it was erotic. And … it was about Kelso.
[Kelso covers himself and moves away from Fez]
Donna: What !
Eric: Wow! Wow !
Donna: That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.
Kelso: Wha ? No you don’t gotta ! Look at him ! He’s undressin’ me with his eyes right now !
Fez: You undressed yourself you son of a bitch !
Eric: Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don’t be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty … or fondle or forbidden. Go on.
Fez: Well … Kelso was a nurse. And there was … sponging.
Kelso: Ohhh !
Fez: Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls ?
Kelso: Well did it continue ?
Fez: No ! What could this mean ?
Kelso: Well isn’t it obvious ? It means that I’m gay !
The Forman Kitchen
[Kitty and Schotzie as Red walks up]
Red: Why is the dog on the counter ?
Kitty: He likes to be tall.
[Eric comes in from the living room]
Kitty: Where you off to honey ?
Eric: Oh I’m off to a little thing I like to call my new job. That’s right, despite both your best efforts to keep me and Donna from getting married, I can now afford to because I got a new job … at the dog food factory.
Red: Dog food ?! Well you finally made it son.
Eric: Hey, I’ll have you know, I am the coupon liaison.
Red: Do you even know what you’re getting yourself into? When I pass that factory on my way home from fishing, I hold the dead fish up to my face so I don’t have to smell it.
Kitty: Seriously, honey, dog food ?
[Kitty covers Shotzie’s ears]
Kitty: That is the worst part of the cow.
Red: You won’t last the day.
Eric: I will last the day. And you know what ? Donna and I are getting married. And I’m sorry, but just because of your attitude, no one here will be getting the employee family discount on Pupper Supper. Thank you very much.
The Pinciotti Living Room
[Jackie as Kelso rushes in]
Kelso: Jacki ! I need to talk to you !
Jackie: No. No, no, you have to go. I cannot hang out with you any more. I promised.
Kelso: No. Jackie, I need to talk to you. Somethin’ happened that could tear apart the group.
Jackie: I don’t care. Okay, you have to go right now.
Kelso: Jackie, Fez had a sex dream about me.
Jackie: You poor baby.
[They sit together on the couch]
Kelso: What if he’s in love with me ? I don’t know that I can return those feelings.
Jackie: No, of course you can’t.
Kelso: Sure he’s super cool. And, he’s good looking. And we have a ton in common. But I can’t …
Jackie: I know. I know baby, I know.
Kelso: I just wonder what I did to make this happen. I mean, should I have tried to be less desirable ?
Jackie: Michael, the beautiful cannot be held responsible for the havoc our looks create.
Kelso: That’s true.
[Jackie lets Kelso put his head on her shoulder to comfort him]
Kelso: No one understands me like you do Jackie.
[Hyde stands in doorway and sees Jackie with Kelso without them knowing, then leaves]
Holiday Hotel Kitchen
[Hyde with Roy]
Hyde: I told Jackie I don’t want her hangin’ out with Kelso! I walk in, they’re playin’ couch Twister! And I don’t know if somethin’ just happened or somethin’ was about to happen, but you know what? I don’t care anymore!
Roy: Have you talked to her ?
Hyde: No ! C’mon man, I’m done talkin’ ! I’m just glad I saw them. Now I can be the bigger person and bail before she does.
Roy: Yeah, that’s what I shoulda done with Lauren. And Susan. And Janice. Ahh, who am I kiddin’ ? I’m just makin’ these names up.
Kelso: Hey Roy. I just need to grab my check.
Hyde: Hey Kelso ! What the hell were you doin’ with my girlfriend on Donna’s couch ?
Kelso: Oh that wasn’t me.
Hyde: I saw you !
Kelso: Oh. Ah ... Ah … Well … Okay, it wasn’t what you think. Umm … it was totally different. See … Fez had this … sex dream about me. And … I was like a nurse in it … And I was totally freakin’ out and Jackie was just comforting me. I mean ‘cause, you know, Fez had a sex dream about me !
Hyde: So your story is that you were with Jackie because Fez had a boy on boy dream about you ?
Kelso: It’s crazy, huh ?
Hyde: Kelso, that is the worst lie you’ve told since you claimed to be the Prince of South Carolina.
Kelso: No, I’m not lyin’ about Fez’s dream! Wha … I was sponging him ! It’s the truth !
Roy: Hey, I believe people have dreams about you man. I mean, put a blonde wig on you, you’re Goldie Hawn.
[Kelso is confused]
Kelso: I know that.
The Forman Kitchen
[Fez as Red enters]
Fez: Oh, Mr. Red. I need some advice. I had an erotic dream about Kelso.
[Red walks out without a word]
The Dog Food Factory
[Joanne, Donna and Eric]
Eric: Well Joanne. Thank you for the factory tour. So where is the coupon liaison office ?
Joanne: You’re standing in it.
Donna: Well it’s … big. And … look, you have a window. Maybe someday you can climb up there and look out.
Eric: Joanne, what exactly is the coupon liaison
[Scene of Eric mindlessly dropping coupons into bags of dog food]
Holiday Hotel Bar
[Kitty with her nurse colleagues as Fez and Kelso come up]
Kitty: Oh ! Oh look girls, there’s the boys ! Hands off though, they’re minors.
Fez: Mrs. Kitty … we need your medical expertise.
Kitty: Honey if you’ve got VD, I’m not looking at it.
Kelso: No. Fez had a dream, and … I was doin’ stuff to him in it. And I don’t wanna do it again! I’m scared to let him go to sleep !
Fez: See, Kelso was a nurse … And I had no shirt … And he had a sponge … A soft one.
Kitty: Okay, boys … Dreams are, are just compilations of what you experience during the day. What’d you do yesterday ?
Fez: Kelso and I looked at nurses. Umm, oh, and I ate thirty-nine spicy egg rolls that were on the floor.
Kitty: Well, spicy foods; there you go. You know one time, I ate stuffed peppers before I went to bed and I dreamt that I ended a war by giving the prime minister a belly dance.
Fez: So my dream didn’t mean anything !
Kelso: Oh thank God! I mean I love you Fez, just not in that way.
Fez: And my appreciation for you beauty is purely aesthetic.
Kelso: You know what Fez? Maybe right now is not a great time for you to be complimentin’ my ass.
The Forman Living Room
[Red and Shotzie as Eric and Donna enter]
Red: Well, if it isn’t the conquering hero home from a big day of dog food.
Eric: Hey. I had a great day, okay. And by the way, I’m nowhere near the actual food. I’m off with like … the executives.
Red: Really ? Well, Shotzie sure does love the smell of executives.
Donna: Okay look. Okay, maybe Eric is working with dog food. But he’s not complaining. And he’s not quitting, and we’re gonna get married no matter what your think; or how he smells.
Eric: Oh, thanks honey.
Donna: Don’t touch me.
Red: Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin’ in. I mean … you two are happy, right ?
Donna: Very happy.
Red: Of course you are. And that’s why I’ve changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me … that you two are mature enough to get married.
Eric: Wha … Are, are you serious ?
Red: Absolutely ! Hey ! Let’s get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week !
Donna: Next week ? Wow that’s, that’s really soon.
Eric: Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin’ like … someday.
Donna: Yeah, yeah someday. That’s good.
Red: Well, what’s the matter ? I mean, uh, getting’ engaged is a silly fun thing to do, but now that we’re talkin’ about an actual wedding you’re turnin’ into a couple of dumbass kids who aren’t ready ? ‘Cause I mean if you’re not ready, I mean heck I got myself all excited for nothin’.
Eric: No, no. We’re ready! We are more than ready !
Donna: We’re ready ?
Eric: Yeah, I mean … well, I am if you are.
Donna: Huh, yeah, sure, completely ready.
Red: Well that’s great. You know it’s all settled. I’ll just, I’ll go call the cake shop right now.
Eric: So … it’s a … a wedding.
Donna: Next week.
Eric: Huh. Oh, I have some homework …
Donna: Yeah, I gotta clean my room …
[Eric and Donna exit in opposite directions]
Holiday Hotel Kitchen
[Roy as Jackie comes in]
Jackie: Hey Roy, where’s Steven ? You know I haven’t seen him all day.
Roy: You got a lot a nerve showin’ your face around here. Hyde saw you and Kelso snuggled up on the couch. Tramp.
Jackie: Wait, what ?
Roy: Yeah, I said tramp.
Jackie: My God. I have to find Steven.
[Jackie runs out]
Roy: Don’t tell him I called you a tramp.
Holiday Hotel Bar
[Kitty and Steven]
Hyde: I bet Jackie’s been foolin’ around with Kelso this whole time. I feel like an idiot.
Kitty: Oh my poor little broody brood! You know, when I first met you, you were such a cute little guy. And now you’re, you’re a great big guy, with great big hair and, and great big problems, my little broody brood.
[Hyde gets up to leave]
Kitty: Oh wait, wait, wait.
[Kitty puts a little paper umbrella in Hyde’s hair]
Kitty: There. Hahahaha. You may leave me now.
[Hyde walks away and runs into the Hot Nurse]
Hot Nurse: Hey there. Still have that girlfriend ?
Hyde: You know what ? I don’t know.
Hot Nurse: Hmm. Let’s go talk about it.
[The Hot Nurse leads Hyde out as Jackie rushes up to Kitty at the bar]
Jackie: Oh hey, Mrs. Forman, have you seen Steven ?
Kitty: Oh honey, I’ve had a couple of sips of wine and I don’t remember. Oh, but you know what you need ? You need more umbrellas in your hair. Oh bartender, we’re gonna need more umbrellas !
A Hospital Room
[Kelso and Hot Nurse]
Hot Nurse: Welcome to the clinic for sexy Kelsos. What can I do for you ?
Kelso: Well, I’m here for my super sexy sponge bath. But I have money, so if you do other stuff too …
[Kelso replaces the Hot Nurse]
Kelso: Oh I’ll do anything you want. You’re one good lookin’ stud.
Kelso: Right back at ya handsome.
[Kelso starts sponging Kelso]
[Kelso is actually asleep on the couch in Eric Forman’s basement]