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[Donna, Fez, Joanne, Kitty and Red]
Kitty : Donna, you’re so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her Mom is … you know.
Donna : Whoring around Mexico?
Kitty : Donna, that is not fair. I think she left Mexico.
Donna : Well, you know Jackie and I might have fun. Sorta like a … slumber party.
Fez: Yes. Late night girl talk. Hot oil massages. And the furtive whispers of, we shouldn’t. And then, shh, it’s okay.
[Fez exits; Jackie enters with one small suitcase]
Joanne: Is that all you’re bringing?
Jackie: Oh, umm, just a couple more small things.
[Hyde, Eric and Kelso enter with lots of suitcases and boxes]
Hyde: Out of the way Jackie !
Eric: Comin’ through !
Kelso: Got a butt load !
Eric: Heavy ! Can’t … feel … my fingers !
Kelso: Ooh, Jackie’s panties. Hey Hyde, if these babies could talk I bet they could tell some pretty good stories about me. Yeah, I bet they’d have a French accent too.
Hyde: My girlfriend’s panties Kelso ? Is that really a road you wanna go down with me ?
[Kelso holds panties to his ear]
Kelso: What’s that panties? Oh no, I can’t tell Hyde that one.
[Kelso spanks panties]
Kelso: Naughty panties.
[Hyde holds his fist to his ear]
Hyde: What’s that fist? It would be my pleasure.
[Hyde hits Kelso in the arm and retrieves panties. Kelso pulls another pair out of his pocket and runs out; Bob enters]
Bob: Here you go. One genuine issue military cot, slightly used from my days in the National Guard.
Red: Well it’s good to know that the National Guard was gettin’ a good night’s sleep while I was in the South Pacific dodgin’ bullets and usin’ coral as toilet paper.
[Bob and Joanne exit]
Donna: So, I don’t think there’s gonna be room for everything.
Jackie: Oh Donna, sure there will. I only brought the stuff I absolutely needed.
[Kelso and Fez bring in a wooden rocking horse]
Kelso: Alright, where goes the horse
The Forman Basement
[Fez, Hyde and Kelso]
Kelso: Guys, if I enroll in the police academy in the fall, I can be bustin’ heads in a year.
[Kelso points his arm like a gun at Fez]
Kelso: Freeze dirt bag !
Fez: Wow ! You did make me freeze. But I was a dirt bag long before you came along.
Hyde: Hey, it says here you’re supposed to start getting into shape now.
Kelso: Naw. That’s not for me. That’s for the regular guys. I haven’t done a lap in gym class since I had my eighth grade growth spurt and Miss Brady made me her special assistant.
[Eric comes down the stairs]
Eric: Guys, look at this. I just got another collection letter from the jewelry store about Donna’s engagement ring. Man, I gotta get some money or I’m screwed.
Hyde: Well there’s a job at the hotel. My boss would’ve hired you. Then he talked to Red.
Eric: Well, I gotta do something. This is a very threatening letter. Call us immediately. It’s-it’s in all capital letters.
Kelso: Look at you; Another dirt bag dodgin’ his responsibilities. Not on my beat.
[Kelso points his arm like a gun at Eric]
Kelso: Game over dirt bag! Man, I wish I had some handcuffs.
Fez: Here, use mine !
[Eric, Hyde and Kelso all look at Fez like he’s weird]
Fez: I’m learnin’ to do magic.
[Jackie on cot as Donna enters]
Donna: Jackie, I thought you were gonna put everything away.
Jackie: I did. The hardest thing was finding room for my shoes. But then I realized I could just fit them inside your shoes.
Donna: Um huh. Look, let’s just get some sleep. Good night.
[Jackie turns on loud music]
Donna: Jackie! Turn that off.
[Jackie turns off the music]
Jackie: See Donna, I need music to fall asleep. See I wear ear plugs so I can just barely hear it, but it needs to be loud enough because I like the vibration in the bed.
Donna: So … how am I supposed to get to sleep?
Jackie: Think of something boring. You know, like school … or Eric.
[Jackie turns on loud music and they lay down; Donna puts her pillow over her head]
The Forman Kitchen
[Hyde as Eric enters]
Eric: Hey. I sold some of my albums to get some money for Donna’s engagement ring. Made three bucks. Which means I am … let me see … carry the one … umm, still completely screwed.
Hyde: They wouldn’t take Anne Murray’s greatest hits? Is this whole crazy world turning upside down?
Eric: Hey, be nice to Anne, okay? She’s a beloved Canadian songstress. And I’m glad they didn’t take her because … well the worse I feel, the more I need her.
[Red and Kitty enter]
Red: Why do you have money ? Wha’d you do, mug a Girls Scout ?
Eric: No, I’ve been selling my albums.
Kitty: Oh I hope you didn’t sell that Froggy Went a Courtin’ record. You know, when we were toilet training Eric I’d say, does someone need to go a courtin’, and he would just run straight off and make a jobby.
Red: You know, it occurs to me that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money’s mine.
Eric: Well it occurs to me that possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Red: Keep up with the smart mouth and my foot’ll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass.
Hyde: You know Forman, you should write a book: Things My Father Threatened to Put in My Ass; Chapter one, his foot. I’d buy that.
[Donna enters to find Hyde and Jackie making out on her bed]
Donna: Ewww !
Jackie: Donna, don’t you knock ?
Donna: Not when it’s my room.
Hyde: Well we’re in here so …
[Hyde makes a shooing motion at Donna]
Donna: Yeah, well I’m in here, so …
Hyde: Hey, if you wanna watch I can get into that. Have a seat on the horse.
[Jackie slaps Hyde’s chest]
Holiday Hotel Kitchen
[Hyde as Roy enters]
Hyde: Hey, how was your weekend Roy.
Roy: Aww, pretty good. Think I mighta met a woman.
Hyde: Oh, that’s great man.
Roy: She’s stayin’ at the hotel. When I took butter to her table, she looked right at me and said, Took you long enough. Yeah ?
[Kelso looks through window and rings bell]
Kelso: Alright, here I am!
Roy: Oh Steven, meet our new kitchen assistant.
Hyde: You hired Kelso? Do you know how many fires this guy’s started ?
Kelso: Three electrical, two chemical and one that even surprised me.
Roy: Well, I wanted to help him out and he said he needed a job.
Kelso: Yeah, if I’m gonna be a cop, I gotta quit modelin’, I mean, I can’t have the perps lookin’ at pictures of me half naked. Oh and everywhere I work, I like to feel at home so I brought a little somethin’ of Jackie’s.
[Kelso pulls out panties and puts them on the order rack]
Roy: Okay, uh, I think that’s a health code violation, but I’m gonna look the other way … which is hard to do … look panties.
Kelso: Yeah, I burned you with the panties again. Two days, two locations. That burn is on tour.
Hyde: Yeah, I guess Roy didn’t make things clear, but umm, all new hires are on probation. So at the end of the week, I get to say whether you stay or go.
Kelso: Yeah, nice try.
Hyde: No, I’m serious man. It’s all up to me. So you might wanna try to get on my good side.
[Kelso timidly takes the panties down]
The Jewelry Store
[Fenton, Fez and Eric]
Eric: Oh ah excuse me.
Fenton: Yes, may I help you? Oh, hello Fez.
Eric: You, you two know each other.
Fez: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Fenton: Well there’s nothing to say.
Fez: You can say that again.
Fenton: Don’t tell me what to do.
Fez: Oh you’d like that wouldn’t you !
Fenton: Maybe I would!
Fez: Then there’s nothing to say !
[Fez and Fenton cross their arms and turn away from one another]
Eric: Yeeah … Umm, I have a question about this letter. See I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make a ring payment any time soon so, I was wondering if we could work out some kind of a deal.
Fenton: Fine. Here’s the deal. You’re gonna have to come up with the money by Friday or bring the ring back to the store.
Eric: What? Bring the ring back ? No, I can’t do that.
Fenton: You can and you will, but no later than five. I have a party at eight and I need the time to dress.
Fez: Eric, you’re going to want to do what he says. I’ve been at the other end of Fenton’s stick and believe me that’s not a place you want to be.
The Forman Basement – The Circle
[Eric, Fez, Hyde and Kelso; Eric sings along to Anne Murray]
Eric: And even though, I ain’t got money, I’m so … who am I kidding. After I can’t pay for Donna’s ring, no one’s gonna be in love with me honey. Must you mock me Anne Murray ?
Hyde: Kelso, because of your panty shenanigans, I’m banning you from the circle. I hereby ban you! I also hereby eat your burrito.
Kelso: Hey Hyde ? You’re not the boss o’ me! All right. Well you can’t tell me what to do! Shoot. Well - well at least I’m still my own man. No I’m not !
[Kelso storms off]
Fez: Whatta you suppose Jackie and Donna are doin’ in the room right now? Combing each other’s hair? Applying moisturizer to their all overness? Oh to be a fly on that boob.
Eric: All I know is that I’ve gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity was only for six and a half weeks. Life’s a little more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn’t it Anne Murray. Anne Murray. Whatta you know about hard times ? Pfft, Canada !
The Forman Kitchen
[Bob, Donna and Joanne in robes and pajamas talking to Red and Kitty]
Red: You wanna borrow our shower ?
Donna: Jackie used up all our hot water bathing her dolls.
Joanne: Normally I’d rather hose off in the driveway than ask you for a favor but, I’m afraid Bob’ll wanna act out some car wash fantasy.
Bob: You got me there! C’mon Jojo. We can save water if we soap up together.
Red: And when they’re done, I’m retilin’ the whole damn bathroom.
Holiday Hotel Kitchen
[Hyde and Kelso]
Kelso: Okay, so, you’re absolutely positive that my hairnet has to be pink?
Hyde: Right. It’s gotta match your apron.
[Kelso dons hairnet; Hyde puts the apron on him]
Hyde: You’re pretty.
[Jackie sitting on cot as Donna enters]
Donna: Jackie, if you’re gonna stay here we need to set up a few ground rules, ‘kay ? You can’t just … What happened to my Led Zeppelin poster ?
Jackie: Oh, I put up the Captain & Tennille instead.
Donna: No, no, no, no. No way is my Led Zeppelin becoming the Captain & Tennille !
Jackie: Led Zeppelin wishes they could be the Captain & Tennille.
Donna: What’d you say ?
Eric: Hey Donna. Umm, I need to talk to you for a second. Umm, I have been thinking all day … about your eyes.
Donna: What ?
Eric: Yeah, your eyes. They’re so beautiful and shiny. And, hey, you know what else is shiny? This diamond ring on your finger which has to go back to the store because it isn’t paid for. Because you can put a price tag on a ring but, you know, who can put a price tag on your eyes. Only God, that’s who.
Donna: You’re taking back my ring ?
Eric: Yeah, I’m sorry.
[Jackie looks on sadly]
Eric: I, Man I wish there were another way, but my Dad won’t let me have a job and … I mean I can’t make the payments. God, I’m really sorry.
Donna: Oh, it’s okay Eric. I mean … it doesn’t change the way we feel about each other. As long as we have that, I don’t need a silly ring.
[Donna takes off the ring and appears to put it in Eric’s hand]
Eric: Umm, Donna, you didn’t give me the ring.
Donna: Yeah I-I thought you’d think I did. Alright.
[Donna appears to put it in Eric’s hand]
Eric: Donna, I promise, I’m gonna make this up to you.
[Eric gets up and looks into his hand]
Eric: Umm, Donna, you gave me a quarter.
Donna: Mmm, fine.
[Donna finally gives Eric the ring]
The Jewelry Store
[Fenton as Eric and Fez enter]
Fenton: Hello Mr. Forman. And you.
Fez: Shut your filthy mouth!
Eric: Look, here it is. Here’s the ring back.
Fenton: Oh honey, that’s paid for.
Eric: What ?
Fenton: Someone came in and paid through the end of next month. I’m not supposed to say who, but she sure was a pretty little number … I guess.
Eric: You know what? It was Donna. I can’t believe she’d go behind my back like this!
Fez: I cannot believe that this man would go behind my back and take what was given to me by God himself.
Eric: Alright, what happened between you two anyway?
Fez: I’m too much of a man to say. But it involved a half-off sale, a crowded parking lot and a pair of pants that made my ass look like an oil painting.
Fenton: If you mean old and cracked, then I agree.
Fez: I’ll see you in hell!
Fenton: Well I’ll be wearin’ your pants!
Eric: Okay, I’m feeling a little in the way here, so … I’m ju … I’m
Holiday Hotel Kitchen
[Kelso as Roy enters]
Kelso: Oh, Roy. Hey how’s it goin’ with that hotel chick that was all over you askin’ for butter?
Roy: Why I had this idea to surprise her with flowers, but when I did she started screamin’ and hittin’ me. I guess the lesson is, don’t hide in someone’s shower.
Kelso: I don’t know what’s wrong with chicks man. If I came home and some strange girl was in my shower, that would be the greatest day of my life.
Roy: Yeah ! So what are you doin’ ?
Kelso: Oh Hyde’s makin’ me do his laundry. After this I gotta clean out the toilet and hand test all the mouse traps. This probation period is killin’ me.
Roy: Did Hyde tell you there was a probation period? Aww man, that guy really knows how to enjoy life.
Kelso: Wait, you mean Hyde’s just messin’ with me? I don’t have to worry about gettin’ fired?
Roy: Well if I didn’t get fired for hidin’ in some woman’s shower, I think your job’s secure.
Hyde: Hey guys. Hey Kelso, be careful, huh. Some of those t-shirts are delicate.
Kelso: Oh, I’m sorry man. I’ll be extra careful. I wouldn’t wanna do anything to screw up my probation period.
[Kelso sprays Hyde]
Roy: Hey, I wanna play. Come on buddy, somebody spray me.
[Kelso pulls out a pair of panties]
Kelso: Hey Hyde, maybe you can use these to dry off with.
[Hyde chases Kelso out]
Roy: Probation period !
[Roy sprays himself and laughs]
The Forman Kitchen
[Donna, Kitty and Red]
Donna: Jackie read my diary Mrs. Forman! And she even wrote little comments inside. Yeah! Like … Oh, this could never happen, and Donna, that guy was whistling at me, not you. I can’t take it anymore ! I’m kicking her out !
Kitty: Well Donna the poor girl has nowhere to stay. She can’t stay here!
Red: She can’t stay anywhere near here. Bob was in our shower again. This morning I pulled something out of our drain that I could not believe came off a human body.
Jackie: Oh Donna, there you are. Okay look, we have to talk about your makeup collection. Chap Stick is not lipstick.
Donna: Jackie, sit down. Look we need to talk about you and me livin’ together.
[Eric burst in]
Donna: ‘Cause it’s just not …
Eric: Donna ! I just came from the jewelry store. You can’t pay for your own engagement ring! This ring is from me to you, not from me to you paid for by you! That’s like cutting off my bal … lerina shoes.
Donna: Eric, I didn’t pay for the ring.
Eric: Well Fenton at the jewelry store said there was a pretty little number who … Oh my God ! Mom ? You’re the pretty little number.
Kitty: Well I … I do like hearing that …
[Kitty glares at Red]
Kitty: … Once in a while …
[Kitty turns back to Eric]
Kitty: … But i-it wasn’t me.
Eric: Well I don’t know Dad, some men might consider you ...
Red: You just can’t stop talkin’ can you !
Jackie: Eric, I paid for the ring.
Donna: What ?
Eric: What ?
Jackie: Look Donna, I read in your diary that you think I’m kinda hard to live with. And … well I realized you were right. And I wanted to show you that I know and I’m sorry. And well thank you.
Kitty: Well gosh Jackie, how very sweet and … uncharacteristic of you.
Jackie: Well I know how much you love that ring and I wanted to do something nice.
Donna: Wow. Thanks.
Eric: You know, Jackie, some people if they wanna be nice they just actually start being nicer on a day to day basis.
Jackie: Yeah, I figured it’d be easier to write a check.
[Eric puts the ring back on Donna’s finger]
[Donna and Jackie; Donna jerks awake]
Donna: Jackie ! Jackie !
Jackie: Hmm ?
Donna: I heard something underneath my bed.
[Jackie sees legs sticking out from under the bed]
Jackie: Fez ?
Donna: Fez, the cat’s outside.
Fez: Woof woof.
[The girls drag Fez from under the bed]
Fez: Please let me stay. Please let me stay. I promise I won’t make a sound. Well I do make some sounds, but they’re happy sounds.