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Eric Forman’s Basement
[Eric, Fez, Hyde, Jackie and Kelso]
Eric : So Hyde; big job fair tomorrow. Oh and your in luck ‘cause I read that corporate America is experiencing a severe shortage of paranoid conspiracy nuts.
Hyde : I am not a conspiracy nut, okay? My history, shop and gym teacher secretly started that rumor to discredit me. Do need a job though since the Photo Hut shut down.
Fez : And I’m never gonna get my pictures back which is a real shame. ‘Cause they’ll never let me under the bleachers any more.
Jackie : You need a job too Eric. Since you just got fired from your last job by your own daddy.
Eric : Well at least my daddy’s not in jail for bribery.
Donna : Okay, so get this. The radio station I work at want me to work their job fair booth as Hot Donna. Right? As if I’m some object for guys to leer at. [She takes off her coat to reveal her school uniform] God!
The Guys : Whoa! Baby! Spank me!
Kelso : I guess bein’ beautiful has its benefits.
Donna : Shut up! I’m embarrassed.
Kelso : Talkin’ about me Donna. And the best thing about bein’ beautiful is I can get work as a model. So I don’t have to go the job fair like the rest of you uggos.
Fez : Well I cannot wait. Nina will be at the DMV booth which means that Fez will be making out during a school day. How many of you suckers have made out during a school day? [Everybody raises their hand] How many of you suckers have made out during a school day in the nude?” [Nobody raises their hand] Then I will be nude.
[Fez and Kelso]
Kelso : Oh my God!
Fez : What?! What?!
Kelso : I got startled ‘cause I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I’m so handsome I thought ShaunCassidy was sittin’ in the back seat.
Fez : Yes, you are a beautiful male specimen. Except you have a grey hair.
Kelso : What?! No I don’t! [The van lurches forward and crunches the car ahead. Police lights come on and a siren sounds] Dude, I hit a cop car.
The Forman Kitchen
[Eric, Kitty and Red]
Red : Alright Eric, listen up. You know how your mother and I feel about you and Donna getting engaged. But since you won’t listen to reason I’ve come to a decision. If you don’t cancel this engagement, I’m not paying for your college.
Eric : What?
Kitty : Because he loves you!
Eric : No! He doesn’t!
Kitty : Yes he does. He’s full of love. But it’s buried, just like treasure.
Eric : Dad, how could you do this?
Red : Oh, it’s easy. Instead of giving four thousand dollars to a college, I leave my check book in the drawer, count my money and laugh like a little girl.
Eric : Fine !
Kitty : He laughs because he loves you. Where did you learn your parenting skills?
Red : Korea. Kitty, I am right about this.
Kitty : Red, you can’t just force people to do what you want.
Red : Oh see, that’s one of those things people say that’s just not true. Like, there’s no place like home. Hell I can think of a hundred places better than this.
[Fez and Kelso]
Fez : I cannot believe you hit a police car.
Kelso : Nah, don’t worry. It’s a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.
Officer Debbie : License and registration.
Kelso : Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ‘cause I’ve been workin’ out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about two twenty so that’d be about … two of you little lady.
Officer Debbie : What’s your name?
Fez : Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.
Officer Debbie : Yeah, I’ll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I’m gonna issue you a citation.
Kelso : Wooh, a citation for bein’ too foxy in a school zone.
Officer Debbie : No. A citation for sixty four dollars. Bench press that.
Eric Forman’s Basement
[Donna and Eric]
Eric : So if we don’t break off the engagement, Red’s not gonna pay for my college.
Donna : You know, maybe this is it Eric. Maybe Red won.
Eric : No! No. Okay? He’s not gonna win. You know what? I’ll just look for something full time at the job fair. I’ll pay for college myself. People do that, right?
Donna : Yeah, people with skills. But I mean, you’re cute. That’s a skill.
Eric : How can Red do this to me? I swear to God that man is always mad. I think the gene for joy might be stored in hair.
Donna : Well, there are a lot of angry bald men. Yul Brenner in The King and I.
Eric : Yes. Mr. Freeze from Batman. ‘Member that time Robin foiled his deep freeze …
Donna : Eric. What’d we talk about?
Eric : Every time I reference Batman, I owe you a geek dollar.
Donna : Yes.
[Kelso rushes in followed by Fez]
Kelso : Guys, somethin’ horrible happened.
Fez : Let me tell it. Kelso tried to charm a lady cop and it didn’t work. But she was all over me boy. I’m like frickin’ cat nip.
Kelso : Guys, today made me realize, looks fade! I’m-I’m not gonna be able to be a model forever. I’m gonna have to get a practical, realistic job like regular ugly people. Okay, so which sounds better: wide receiver or spy?
Eric : Oh Kelso, I don’t see why you couldn’t just do both.
Kelso : You’re right. It’s the perfect cover.
The Job Fair.
[Eric, Fez, Hyde, Jackie, Kelso and Kitty]
Kitty : Okay. Okay everybody. This is your last school field trip so smile. Okay, now wave hello to your futures. Hello futures! Okay now, wave goodbye to your mothers who loved you and gave you the best years of their lives. Now what are they gonna do? What? Tell me what I am supposed to do !
[Kitty runs off]
Eric : You’re supposed to take your little yellow pill. That’s what you’re supposed to do.
Kelso : Man look at this place. Tons of butt ugly people, and one day I’m gonna be one of ‘em.
Hyde : Man I can’t do this. Bein’ around this many corporate stooges … I can’t breathe !
Jackie : Steven! Stop it! This is serious. If you keep pulling on cotton like that, it won’t rebound.
Fez : Well I’m off to find Nina for a little field trip make out. How may of you suckers have made out during a field trip ? [All raise their hands] What the hell? Was I the only one watching sausage get made ?
[Jackie and Steven leave as Red comes out from behind the Price Mart table]
Red : Well, lookee here. You know if America’s employers are looking for a pretty boy moron, an engaged hop head and a mush mouthed foreigner … they’re gonna be jumpin’ for joy.
Kelso : Wait a minute, am I the pretty boy moron?
Red : Yes.
Kelso : Cool, ‘cause that’s the best one.
Job Fair – WFPP Booth
[Donna is signing autographs as Eric walks to the head of the long line]
Donna : Hey !
Eric : Hey !
Donna : So, you ready for the big job search?
Eric : Yup. I got my resume, my very best blazer and a really charming story about how my biggest fault is that I work just too darn hard, so ... How ‘bout you?
Donna : I dunno, it’s just so humiliating. I mean I have a brain, you know? Two thousand records sorted by artist and genre. I didn’t do that with my boobs.
Eric : Be a neat trick though.
Job Fair – Veterinary Booth
[Eric and Veterinarian]
Eric : I’ve always been fascinated by the veterinary sciences. Do you have any jobs available?
Veterinarian : Yes. We need someone to usher our four legged friends into the next life.
Eric : Alright, that sounds fantastic. And how do I do that?
Veterinarian : You shovel the carcass into the furnace.
Job Fair – Transportation Department Booth
[Eric and Bureaucrat]
Eric : I’ve always been fascinated by transportation. Do you have any jobs available?
Bureaucrat : Yes. Road kill remover. ‘Cept sometimes the critter’s not quite dead. In that case, you gotta shoot it. You’re the trigger man.
Job Fair – Bob’s Meats Booth
[Eric and Bob of Bob’s Meats]
Eric : I’ve always been fascinated by … meat. Do you have any jobs available?
Bob : Yes. Trigger man.
Eric : Please tell me you’re kidding.
Bob : Cows don’t kill themselves son. All though I did see one walk right off a cliff once.
Job Fair – Price Mart Booth
Red : Stock boy. Need a stock boy.
[Eric walks by]
Red : Not you.
Job Fair – First Midwestern Bank Booth
[Eric and Banker]
Eric : So if I work here, will I have to slaughter anything?
Banker : No. We’re a bank. We’re looking for tellers.
Eric : Just to be perfectly clear, I won’t have to murder any animals.
Banker : Whatever you do on your own time is fine with us.
Eric : Hello First Midwestern!
Job Fair – Olfasen Pontiac Booth
[Jackie, Hyde and Dave]
Jackie : Hi. I’m Jackie and this is Steven. Steven is a no nonsense Sagitarius who’s not afraid of hard work or true love.
Dave : I’m Dave, a shy Pisces who’s lookin’ for love and a salesman to sell on commission. The more you sell, the more you can earn.
Jackie : That’s perfect for him. Steven, if you can get me to date you, you can sell anything.
Hyde : Uh thanks, but no thanks.
Jackie : Wait …
[Hyde jerks Jackie away from the booth]
Hyde : Are you nuts. That guy almost offered me a job.
Jackie : So what’s wrong ?
Hyde : Did you hear him ? The more you sell, the more you earn. The more you sleep the more you earn. That’s my job. Damn woman !
Job Fair – DMV Booth
[Fez joins Nina]
Fez : So Nina, after walking around the job fair, and hearing the word job a lot … It gave me needs.
Nina : No. Were at a job fair.
Fez : Please don’t say that word!
Nina : Well I can’t go far from my booth. It’s my job.
Fez : Stop it!
Job Fair – Police Department Booth
[Kelso finds Officer Debbie]
Kelso : Hi. One of your officers recently issued me a ticket Now my name is Michael …
Officer Debbie : Micheal Kelso.
Kelso : Wait a minute. Officer Debbie ? Oh my God ! What happened to you ? You’re like your own ugly sister !
Officer Debbie : Yeah, whatta you want Mr. Kelso ?
Kelso : Whatta I want ? I wanna know how one minute you’re all wahwah and the next you’re all blaah! Good cripes !
Officer Debbie : Hey, now !
Kelso : I’m just sayin’ in your uniform you were like a totally hot police chick, but outta your uniform you’re a total pie face! Good God! Wait a minute. It’s like you got all your charisma from your uniform.
Officer Debbie : What is happening to you? What? Are you having a stroke? What?
Kelso : No, that’s just how I look when I have an idea.
Job Fair – WFPP Booth
[Donna is signing a guy’s chest as Eric walks up]
Donna : To Eddie. Love Hot Donna. Hot Donna has now signed eighty-seven guys ! And two girls ! It’s like, who knew in our little town ?
Eric : Well I can see you … got over your little bout of shyness.
Donna : What the hell. They think I’m hot. You know what? Hot Donna rules !
[Long line of guys cheers]
Eric : So great news. I got a job at First Midwestern Bank.
Donna : Oh my God ! Eric.
Eric : I know and they have branches all over Wisconsin, so wherever you go to school, I’ll have a job. I’ll save some money and I can start school like a year after you and … I don’t even have to slaughter animals.
Donna : Was that ever an option?
Eric : Ah apparently it’s the invisible industry of Point Place, yeah. I’m actually surprised the streets aren’t running red with blood.
[Hyde and Jackie]
Jackie : Well Steven, it is obvious you don’t want a job.
Hyde : No. I’m just holdin’ out for one with a cash register with a lock that very, very easy to jimmy.
[Jackie runs into Roy]
Jackie: Oh. Ah, excuse me.
Roy : Oh that’s okay, I probably deserved it.
Hyde : Roy.
Roy : Steven?
Hyde : Hey man, long time no see. When my dad left, my mom signed me up for the Big Brother program and I got Roy. Man we had some good times before you left town.
Roy : Yeah, I moved in with a wonderful woman.
Hyde : Oh ? What happened ?
Roy : She found out I was livin’ there.
Hyde : Roy has some problems with people.
Roy : They don’t like me. You don’t like me right ?
Jackie : Not really. But to be fair, I have very high standards.
Roy : Yeah ? She’s really nice Steven.
Hyde : Hey, ah, so what are you doin’ here?
Roy : I work here; hotel kitchen manager. I was gonna put out word that we’re lookin’ for a cook, but then I figured why bother. They’ll just leave me like everybody else.
Jackie : So Roy, seem a little depressed there.
Roy : Yeah, I’m teeterin’ on the brink.
Hyde : Maybe I can do somethin’ to cheer you up.
Roy : Really ? Oh, that’d be great.
Job Fair – The Circle
[Hyde, Jackie and Roy]
Roy : So I’m on the Golden Gate Bridge and everyone’s tellin’ me to jump. I was just out for a jog.
Hyde : Okay Roy, here’s what I’m gonna do for you. I’m gonna take that job as cook and keep you company; on two conditions. I’m not gonna work very hard, and you’re gonna have to pay me a lot. But man, it’ll be a bargain considering the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
Roy : Great! And if it’s work related, I can call you at home. Now I have a reason to get a phone.
Jackie : Steven! You’re a chef. Hoh ! If you can learn to make those fancy deviled egg thingys I will loose my frickin’ mind !
Job Fair – Price Mart Booth
[Kitty comes up to Red]
Kitty : So, how’s the day goin’?
Red : Well, let’s see. I interviewed fifteen potential employees: Ten dumbasses, four cretins and a momma’s boy.
Kitty : I vote for the momma’s boy. I think they’re sweet.
[Eric runs up]
Eric : Hey Dad ! Guess what ? I got a job at First Midwestern so Donna and I can stay engaged. I’ll work, she’ll study and in a few years I can pay for my own tuition. Yay ! I win ! Pffft !
[Eric runs off]
Eric Forman’s Basement
[Donna, Eric, Hyde and Jackie as Kelso rushes in]
Kelso : Great news ! I’m gonna be a cop !
The Gang : Boo !
Kelso : No, no listen it’s perfect for me. The uniform will keep me lookin’ hot even when I’m old. And plus, I love helping people.
Eric : No, you love humping people.
Kelso : Eric, a lot of times humping is helping.
Donna : So, you’re really gonna be a cop ?
Hyde : Well, he did shoot me so we know he’s good with guns.
Jackie : And you just know they’re gonna partner him up with a dog.
Donna : Actually, you know what, it’s kinda perfect. He’ll get to run through people’s back yards with a stick. He does that anyway.
Kelso : Yeah, the important thing is is that I’ll be performing a very valuable community service. And plus, I’ll be sexy forever. I mean just think about it ...
[Fade to fantasy bikini shop with robber holding a girl in a bikini at gun point]
Robber : Nobody move! This is a robbery.
Kelso : Not in my town dirt bag. [He clubs the robber]
Bikini Girl : Oh officer! Not only did you perform a valuable community service, you’ll be sexy forever!
Kelso : All in a day’s work ma’am. Now let’s get you into somethin’ a little more comfortable.
Bikini Girl : But I’m already in a bikini.
Kelso : I know.
[They start making out as reality returns]
Eric : Kelso, you do realize you’ll have to help ugly people too ?
Kelso : Nnh unh, I’ll just leave that to the fat cops.
The Forman Living Room
[Eric bursts in on Red and Kitty]
Eric : Hey ! I just got off the phone with the bank and I didn’t get the job because someone gave me a bad reference. And then I thought to myself, hmm, I’ve only had one boss, You! Wha-I can’t believe you black balled your own son.
Red : As usual, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Eric : Oh, so you’re not even man enough to admit it? You know what I think ? I think you are a bitter old man who’s so miserable in his life that you have to make everyone else just as miserable as you are ! You’re pathetic !
Kitty : Honey. Your father didn’t call the bank manager. I did.
Eric : Mom, please stay out of this ! What was that ?
Kitty : I gave you the bad reference.
Eric : Oh. Then uh … I’m just kidding.
Kitty : Eric, if you take a bank job and put off school, you’ll never go to college and the bank manager agreed with me. Plus I told him you were bad at math.
Eric : So there’s … no job money to pay for college. No money from you guys to go to college. Wow I guess we’re … really hopin’ for that football scholarship, huh?”
Kitty : I have a compromise. Your father and I will pay for college if you and Donna will agree to just put off your engagement for one year.
Red : I’m not compromising anything. He said some hurtful things.
Eric : No. I’m sick of being controlled by both of you guys. You guys can keep your money. Okay ? ‘Cause guess what? I don’t want it !
[Kelso enters and shines a flash light on Kitty and Red]
Kelso : Ma’am! Sir! We got a call about a domestic disturbance.
Red : Get outta here.
Kelso : Okay, but if I gotta come back out here, somebody’s goin’ downtown. [Red stands] Well quit it. I’m just practicing.
[Hyde and Roy]
Roy : An-And this is the pantry. If you ever get really depressed, it’s a good place to go and cry. Also, it’s where we keep the mustard.
Hyde : Alright cool. Well … I guess I’ll see you on Monday.
Roy : Hokay! [Roy hugs Steven]
Hyde : ‘Kay man. Okay Roy. Get off me!
Roy : Oh I almost forgot to show you the walk in freezer.
[Fez and Nina are making out in the freezer]
Fez : A little privacy please !