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INT. FORMAN - MORNING (DAY 1)
Eric, (Jackie, Red, Kitty)
[Eric and Jackie eat. Red enters, Kitty gives him a waffle]
Kitty : Here you go, Red, Belgian waffles.
Eric : What’s Belgian about them?
Red : They crumble at the hands of the Nazis. There’s your Belgian.
[Red sees Jackie scarfing down food .]
Jackie : This bacon is so amazing, it makes me regret calling girls pigs all my life.
Red : Why is the loud one eating my breakfast?
Kitty : Her father’s in jail and her mother’s in Mexico. She hasn’t had a hot breakfast in weeks. She’s like those starving orphans we saw on “Sixty Minutes.” Why couldn’t Morley Safer give that poor boy a donut?
Eric : Wait, Jackie, your mom’s still in Mexico? I thought she was flying back home.
Jackie : She was, but there was a connection in Cancun. There was also a single pilot in Cancun. Ricardo. (DISPLEASED) And since my dad’s gonna be in jail for a while, Ricardo is helping her “cope.”
Eric : Okay, here’s what I don’t get about your dad. If they arrest you for bribery , can’t you just bribe your way out? You’re a briber. It’s what you do!
Jackie : My dad’s broke. In fact, the bank foreclosed on our ski cabin. Everything’s got to be moved out this weekend. And it’s all up to me. And I’m so very small.
[She Looks at Red meaningfully, with puppy-dog eyes.]
Red : Well, I’d like to help but not as much as I’d like not to.
Kitty : Too late, I already packed an overnight bag.
Red : Kitty, why is it we always do whatever you want and never do what I want?
Kitty : It’s in the Bible. The book of “You’re Helping So Shut Up.”
[Kitty exits to the living room.]
Eric : Have a good weekend, Pops!
Red : You’re coming with us, pal, and there’s gonna be heavy lifting. You’d better bring Donna.
[Red exits. Eric watches him go.]
Eric : Hey Jackie, why isn’t Hyde helping? Oh that’s right. He’s your boyfriend, I guess that’s punishment enough.
Jackie : I’ve been with Steven long enough to know that the best way to keep our relationship going smoothly is by never asking him to do stuff.
Eric : And by “stuff” you mean “work” and/or “helping people.”
Jackie : Right, so I told him I’d be out of town this weekend for a big doll expo.
Eric : There’s a doll expo? Oh, man, I’ve been looking for Jungle-Fighting G.I. Joe. He’s got vine grip and poison darts! (LEGAL DISCLAIMER) Poison not included. (OFF JACKIE’S LOOK) I left mine out in the rain, he got jungle rot, had to amputate his foot.
INT. DMV - DAY (DAY 1)
(HYDE, FEZ, ANDY, ATMO.)
[Hyde hanges around the counter talking to Fez.]
Hyde : Fez, you got plans this weekend?
Fez : Yes.
Hyde : No you don’t.
Fez : No I don’t.
Hyde : Well, Jackie’s at a doll expo so I’m thinking you, me and Kelso sneak up to her cabin and drink beer until we all look pretty.
Fez : Great, let me get rid of this customer. (CALLS) Next!
[Hyde watches as a young costumer, Andy approches.]
Fez (CONT’D) (POINTS AT LETTER “E” WITH THE TELESCOPING POINTER) : Read the top letter, please.
Andy : It’s an “E”.
Fez : No. Fail. Move along.
Andy : What are you talking about, man? That’s an “E”.
Fez : Okay, I’ll give you one more chance. Read the top letter.
Andy : “E”!
Fez : No. Double fail.
Andy : Double fail? You made that up!
Fez (POINTS TO CHART) : This, my blind friend, is a capital “E”. The double fail stands!
Andy : Wait, you’re that guy they caught in the school shower with the lotion and-
Fez : Pass! Pass! Double pass!
[Fez stamps Andy's paper and send him on his way.]
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY (DAY 1)
(Eric, Donna, Jackie, Red, Kitty)
[A U-haul truck parked. Kitty exits the house cith a little cooler. Eric and Red look on as Jackie hans donna a slip of paper.]
Jackie : Okay, these are directions to the cabin. (RE RED AND KITTY) I’ll be riding with them.
Red : No, no, you should ride with the kids. There are only two seat belts in the truck, and I would hate to see you go flying through the windshield in the middle of one of your long stories about ladies cosmetics.
Jackie (glum) : Oh, it’s just that I wanted to ride with you ‘cause now I don’t have a daddy.
Red (Damn it) : Fine, get in the van. But no talking until the interstate. And even then pick your spots.
Kitty (To Jackie) : When in doubt, call a random driver an idiot. It gets the ball rolling.
[Kitty and Jackie get in the cab of the truck.]
Red (To Eric) : Now, stay with me.
Eric : I’ll be right on your bumper.
Red : Don’t tailgate.
Eric : I’ll keep a safe distance.
Red : Don’t lollygag!
Eric (sotto) : What do I say?
Donna (Sotto) : Just smile and nod.
[Eric smiles and nods.]
Red : Don’t smile and nod, you look like an idiot.
[With that, Red climbs into the cab of the truck.]
Donna : I’m kind of looking forward to a roadtrip. We have been talking about wanting to do it someplace new and different. (PLAYFULLY SEDUCTIVE) Me and you alone in a car on a country road after dark?
Eric : That sounds good. And if I don’t get lucky with you, I’m bound to run into a farmer’s daughter.
Donna : Yeah, they’re pretty much a sure thing if you can get past the overalls.
INT. SKI CABIN - EVENING (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Hyde, Fez)
[Kelso, Hyde, and Fez are There.]
Fez : This is great. No broads, just us guys. We can really get to know each other.
Hyde : Fez, if you try to lure me into a hot tub, I’m kicking your ass.
Fez : I’m just saying, we’re all so tense.
Kelso : Well we won’t be for long ‘cause last time I was here, I hid a stash. I just need to remember where it is. I know it’s someplace I can fit my hand.
Hyde : Well, that rules out your face.
Kelso : What?
[Kelso puts his hand up to his face. Hyde hits it. The Ol'smack yourself in the face gag. Hyde and Fez crack up.]
Fez : That never disappoints.
INT. VISTA CRUISER - EVENING (DAY 1)
[Eric drives. Donna sidles up and kisses his neck.]
Donna : Am I distracting you, my big, strong driver-man?
Eric : Not at all, my lonely hitchhiker who escaped from reform school. So where are you going?
Donna : Where do you want me to go?
Eric : Oh, um, I want you to go-damn I can’t think of anything. (THEN) All the way! I should have said all the way!
[Donna laughs and drapes her leg up over Eric.]
Eric : Wow, how did you get your foot all the way over here?
Donna : You can thank my dad for the ballet lessons.
Eric : I’ll be sure to send him a fruit basket. (THEN) Hey, you know that U-Haul we’ve been following? When did it become an ice cream truck? Oh, man, we lost Red.
Donna : Hold on, we can’t be too far off the trail. Let’s look at Jackie’s directions.
[Donna pulls the paper out of her pocket and reads.]
Donna : “I-forty-three to highway sixty. Head east when it gets different…” When it gets different? What’s that mean?
Eric : Let me see that. (READS) “Go a ways past the fancy thing and turn left at the ugly house.” (LOOKS OUT WINDOW) Well, if the fancy thing is a dead cow, we’re almost there.
INT. SKI CABIN - MINUTES LATER (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Hyde, Fez)
[Kelso enters from the kitchen. Hyde and Fez are getting impatient.]
Hyde : Kelso, you find the stash yet?
Kelso : Nah, there was nothing in the kitchen I can fit my hand in. Except the disposal.
[Kelso holds up his arm, his hand is hidden in his shirt sleeve, Kelso screams in horror.]
Kelso : Ahhh! (LAUGHS)
[Hyde and Fez Laugh.]
Fez : I’m going to the corner to buy some beer. Don’t get in the hot tub without me.
Kelso : Man, that stash is probably staring me right in the face.
[He turns and is face to face with a stuffed bearr head, he jumps back.]
Kelso (CONT’D) : Ahh!
[He reaches into the mouth and pulls out a paper bag.]
Kelso (CONT’D) (THEN) : Yes! It wasn’t someplace I can fit my hand, it was someplace that could eat my hand!
[SFX a truck pulling up to the cabin.]
Hyde : Hey, there’s a truck pulling up to the cabin. (LOOKS) It’s Red!
Kelso (EXCITED) : Is it a fire truck?
Hyde : The truck isn’t red, the guys is Red. Red Forman.
Kelso : TOSSES THE BAG TO HYDE.Not it.
[Hyde tosses the bag back to Kelso.]
Kelso (CONT’D) : I said not it. If playground rules aren’t in effect, it’s anarchy!
INT. VISTA CRUISER - EVENING (DAY 1)
[As Eric drives, Donna looks at the directions.]
Donna : Okay, Jackie’s directions say “pass the place I bought a green sweater. Don’t stop, the cotton has polyester in it.”
Eric : Oh, this is great. We’re lost.
Donna : We’re not lost yet. We just need to find our bearings. Where would you go around here to find a green sweater?
Eric (IRKED) : Why, the green sweater store, Donna. Good thinking!
Donna : Hey, why are you mad at me?
Eric : ‘Cause you need to control your urges. If you’da kept your big foot away from my beanbags, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Donna : Excuse me for reading “Cosmo” and trying a little something. If you think you’re getting the topless nachos now, you’re crazy.
Eric : Whatever, now I’m hungry. I want my Twinkie.
Donna (PLEASED) : You packed Twinkies?
[Donna reaches into a baf in the bag seat]
Eric : No, I packed a Twinkie. There was only one left. And it’s mine. Whoever packs it, snacks it. I’ve been looking forward to it all day.
Donna : Oh, you have?
[She looks at him meaningfully and jams the entire twinkie in her mouth]
Eric : Oh, that’s nice, very lady like.
[She opens her mouth, shows him the half-chewed twinkie.]
INT. SKI CABIN - EVENING (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Red, Kitty)
[Hyde and Kelso are panicking. Kelso hold the bag.]
Kelso : The Formans and Jackie are here? But we’re not supposed to be here. (RE STASH) And this is illegal. We’re busted!
Hyde : No, you’re busted. I’m out the bathroom window !
[Hyde exits to the bathroom and shuts the door. Kelso looks around sees an empty vase on a table. He jams the stash hand into the vase. As he tries to take his hand out, he lifts tge vase with it. It's stuck on his hand.]
Kelso (TO THE VASE) : Get off me!
[He tries to pull it off, to no avail. He sees the front door start to open, and puts the vase on the table, his hand still in it. As Red, Kitty and Jackie enter, he assumes a casual stance, leaning on the table with the vase.]
Kelso (CONT’D) : Welcome to the cabin!
Red : What are you doing here?
Kelso : Yes!
Kitty : You scared me! I thought you were a robber! Now I really need to use the bathroom.
[She opens the bathroom door, revealing Hyde. Kitty yelps.]
Hyde (TO KELSO) : Yeah, there’s no window in here.
[Kitty pushes Hyde out of the bathroom and shuts the door.]
Jackie : Steven, what are you doing here?
Hyde : Uh.. why don’t you tell me?
Jackie : Oh my God, you heard about the foreclosure! And you knew I lied about the doll expo and you came up to help me move my stuff!
Hyde : That’s exactly what I did. You found me out!
Jackie : Steven, I completely misjudged you. Somehow you’ve become the boyfriend I’d always hoped you could be.
Hyde : And shame on you for doubting me.
[The door opens. Fez enters with a case of beer.]
Fez : I got beer and pixie sticks. Let’s party! (OFF JACKIE, FURIOUS) Hey, we said no broads!
[As Jackie glares at Hyde, we]
INT. SKI CABIN - MOMENTS LATER (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Red, Kitty)
[Red, Kitty and Jackie glare at Hyde, Kelso and Fez.]
Kitty : Why do you need alcohol? Is that beer really going to make your lives better?
Kelso : Not when you don’t let us drink it.
Red : Shut it and let’s clear this place out. If we hurry, I don’t have to sleep here. I hate nature.
[Red and Kitty exit to the kitchen.]
Jackie : So, you snuck into my cabin to drink beer and eat pixie sticks. And I thought you finally understood what being a couple is all about.
Hyde : Well, what is being a couple? It’s all give and take, yin and yang. It’s a philosophical paradox, like a tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear it. Does it make a noise? Who’s to say?
Jackie : Okay, you’re just confusing me.
Hyde : See? It’s murky. That’s what I’m up against!
Jackie : Oh, what a load of crap.
[Jackie storms off. Hyde calls after her.]
Hyde : Who’s to say what crap is?
[Angle on Kelso and Fez in a corner.]
Kelso : Pull my vase.
Fez : Oh, I know this one. No thank you.
[Hyde walks up.]
Kelso : No, it’s stuck. I put the stash in here and now I can’t get my hand out.
Fez : Oh, I can help. (PATS POCKETS) Damn. I guess I left the baby oil in my other pants.
Hyde : Hey that vase smells like chocolate.
Kelso : Really?
[Kelso lifts the vase up to his face to smell it, Hyde smacks the vase into kelso's face.]
Kelso (CONT’D) : Okay, you can’t see it, but I’m flipping you off right now.
[Red returns, lugging a tv. He sees them struggle.]
Red : What’s going on?
Kelso (NONCHALANT) : Oh, just a classic case of hand-stuck-in-vase.
Red : Well, get it off or you’re going to have a classic case of foot-stuck-in-ass.
Hyde : Hey, what does the tiny writing on that vase say?
Kelso : What tiny writing?
[Kelso Brings the vase close to his face. Hyde smacks him with the vase again.]
Kelso (CONT’D) : Stop doing that!
Hyde : Get smarter!
INT. SKI CABIN - NIGHT (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Red, Kitty)
[The place is almost cleared out. Jackie enters and sees Hyde tossing some thing in a box.]
Jackie : Steven, be careful. That’s my trophy for prettiest ballerina. Oh, but you don’t care about stuff that’s important to me.
Hyde : Hey, you’re the one who lied and said you were going to a doll expo. You should’ve just told me what was going on with you.
Jackie : I shouldn’t have to tell you. You should just know.
Hyde : So, I’m supposed to magically know that “I’m going to the doll expo” is Jackie speak for “my parents’ cabin is being foreclosed on and I need help cleaning it out.”
Jackie : Yes! (THEN) Steven, my family’s falling apart and you never even ask about it. And if you cared, you’d figure out what was going on with me and find a way to help.
Hyde : Jackie, that’s crazy. The only time people I know find a way to help, is when they’re cutting a deal with the D.A.
[Jackie throws up her hands and exits. Red crosses to Hyde.]
Red : Whatever happens, you’re driving her back. She talked so much on the way up here I almost strapped her to the hood of the truck like a deer.
[Kelso and Fez enter .]
Fez : Boy, Jackie looks mad.
Kelso : Yeah, I cheated on her like a hundred times and she never looked that pissed. (TO HYDE) I think she’s holding you to a higher standard. Sucker!
Red : Kelso, grab the other end of that couch.
[Red picks up one and, Kelso tries to pick up the other. He can't figure out how to pick up his end, what with the vase on his hand. Red watches.]
Kelso : Well, this is kind of tricky.
Red : I’ve had it with that vase. I’m getting the hammer.
[Red exits . Kelso turn to Hyde.]
Kelso : Why won’t it come off? Man, my hand would be smaller if I didn’t have to hold this bag.
Hyde : Wait, you’re holding the bag? You moron, let go!
Kelso : Why?
Hyde : Just do it!
[The vase falls off Kelso's hand, smashes on floor. The bag lies amid shards of vase.]
Fez : Wow, it’s like the world’s greatest piñata.
[Hyde picks up the bag. Red and Kitty enter.]
Red : What the hell happened in here.
Kitty : Steven, what’s in the bag?
Kelso : The Packers winning next year’s Super Bowl, that’s what’s in the bag.
[Red grabs the bag, he and Kitty look inside.]
Red : Is this what I think it is?
Kelso : If you mean paprika, yes sir.
Kitty : Oh, honey, paprika is red.
Kelso : If you mean green paprika, yes sir.
Red : Green paprika? (TO KITTY)That’s not a thing, is it?
Kitty : As much as I wish it were, it’s not.
Kelso : Hyde, what am I looking for?
Hyde : Oregano.
Kelso : If you mean oregano, yes sir.
INT. VISTA CRUISER - NIGHT (DAY 1)
[Eric and Donna still drive. He sees a street sign.]
Erick : Does Jackie say anything about Davis Street?
Donna (RE DIRECTIONS) : Not unless it’s “the street where I dropped my gum that time.”
Eric : That’s it. We’re going home. (THEN) And, Donna, I’m sorry I said what I said about your urges. They’ve been very good to me.
Donna : Thanks. They do what they can.
[A beat of silence.]
Eric : Um, I’m waiting for my apology.
Donna : For what?
Eric : For that Twinkie you inhaled?
Donna (INCREDULOUS) : Are you serious? Fine. (LAME) Sorry I ate the Twinkie.
Eric : You rolled your eyes. It’s not an apology if you roll your eyes.
Donna : Okay! (LAME) Sorry I ate the Twinkie.
Eric : You rolled your eyes again!
Donna : Well, it was just a stupid Twinkie!
Eric (IRATE) : My Twinkie, Donna! MY TWINKIE!
[They sit in silence for a beat.]
Donna : Okay, look. We didn’t drive all this way just to fight. The stars are out, it’s a beautiful night, and we can still find a romantic place, you know, one that’s new and different, to salvage the trip.
[She puts her hand on his knee. He crisply removes it.]
Eric : No, thank you, I’m not in the mood.
INT. SKI CABIN - LATER (DAY 1)
(Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Red, Kitty)
[Jackie walks in as Red squares off to the boys.]
Red : Do you idiots realize how much trouble you’re in?
Hyde : How could that bathroom not have a window? Isn’t that like a building code or something?
Jackie : What’s going on?
Kelso : Well, apparently Hyde had a stash none of us knew anything about! Especially me! I think Fez knew about it too!
Fez : That’s the way you want it, fine! You have to sleep sometime.
Red : Shut up. (TO KELSO) I’m calling your folks. (TO FEZ) I’m calling immigration. (TO HYDE) And you! I warned you once about this crap. And now I have no choice. You’re out of the house.
Jackie : No, wait! That stash isn’t his, it’s mine.
Hyde : Jackie!
Jackie : Let me talk.
Kelso : Yeah, Hyde, let her talk.
Jackie (TO THE FORMANS) : I’ve been having such a hard time lately since my dad’s been in jail, and I was looking for anything that might make me feel better. It’s just like you, Mrs. Forman, what with your menopause and all that wine you’re always drinking.
Kitty : You shut your dirty little mouth!
Red : Steven, tell me right now, is this yours or not?
Hyde : Mister Forman, I can honestly say that it’s not.
Red (BEAT, THEN) : Okay, fine. I don’t care whose it is, I’m throwing it in the lake.
Kelso : No, I paid twenty bucks for that! (OFF RED) You have my parents’ number.
Fez (TO KELSO) : That’ll teach you to sell me out you son of a bitch.
Red : Okay, everybody out, let’s go.
[They all head out the door. Jackie looks at Hyde.]
Hyde : So, I snuck up here behind your back and we have this huge fight and then you do something nice for me? This is like when the Grinch stole Christmas, but all the little Whos sang anyway.
Jackie : I don’t know, that’s what people do for people they care about.
Hyde : Nobody I ever knew.
Jackie : That’s because you were poor and poor people are bad. But it’s like I was talking about before, I sensed you were in trouble and I looked for a way to help without you having to ask me.
Hyde : Jackie, to be fair you heard Red say “Hyde’s out of the house” not “Hyde’s going to a doll expo.” But, anyway, thanks. (KISSES HER)
Jackie : So will you help me get that mirror in the bathroom?
Hyde : What mirror?
Jackie : The one covering up the window.
INT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - NIGHT (DAY 1)
(Eric, Donna, Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Fez, Red, Kitty)
[Eric and Donna are out of the car. Eric helps with her bag.]
Eric : Well, that was a fun trip.
Donne : Can’t wait to do it again.
Eric : You know, I may have overreacted before. I mean, there are plenty of Twinkies in the world. Sure, there was only one in the car, and you did go Godzilla on it - - but I’m sorry.
Donna : Well, if it makes you feel any better, it didn’t taste very good. I think it was a knock-off.
Eric : Yeah, my mom buys Twonkies. She says she’s not paying ten cents more for a fancy name.
Donna : Well, Twonkie is less fancy.
Eric : Donna, at the beginning of this trip we had a goal; to be romantic someplace new and different, and I’m a man who likes to finish what he starts. So I have a suggestion on my kitchen table.
Donna : You know what? Okay. I mean, your folks won’t be home until tomorrow.
Eric : You’re agreeing to this? What the hell was in that Twonkie?
[Eric and Donna exit to the kitchen. Red, Kitty, Kelso, Hyde, Fez and Jackie enter from Bob's driveway.]
Red : Do you believe that kid? It’s not enough he didn’t show up, he’s gotta block the driveway.
Kitty : Well, I’m just happy to get back to our nice quiet house.
[They head to the doors and Kitty looks in.]
Kitty (CONT’D) : Oh my God !
Donna (O.S.) : Oh my God!
Hyde : Look, it’s Donna’s butt!
Red : Dammit, that’s where I eat dinner!
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - MORNING (DAY 2)
[Red and Kitty scrub the table. They've got steel wool and a bucket of sudsy water sits on the counter. They work in silence. Then.]
Red : Scrub, dammit!
Kitty : I’m scrubbing as hard as I can! I wish we had a stronger cleanser.
Red : Kitty, this is bleach and lighter fluid. There is nothing stronger.
Kitty : Well it’s not strong enough!
[They scrub some more. They step back and look then.]
Kitty (CONT’D) : Nope. No good.
Red : We need a new table.
END OF EPISODE