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(Forman Kitchen, everyone is sitting down eating dinner.)
KITTY: Okay, so is everyone ready for our big trip to the University of Wisconsin?
ERIC: Yeah, Donna and I have it all mapped out. She is going to buy a tight sweater with a big red "W" on it and I am going to watch her wear it. (Red gives Eric a look.) And then we're going to buckle down.
KITTY: Oh, Steven, I put out some clean clothes for you to take on the trip.
HYDE: Uh, thanks, Mrs. Forman, but I'm not really the college type. I get my learnin' on the street.
RED: Steven, you're a smart kid. If would only just apply yourself, you could go to college, too.
HYDE: You don't trust me alone in the house, do you?
RED: See how smart you are?
KITTY: (Crying) Well, I just can't believe my baby is all grown up and visiting college. (Still crying, but now upset) I am so freakin' old!
ERIC: And menopause makes another unwelcome appearance at the dinner table.
KITTY: (Better now.) No, no. It's not unwelcome. It's liberating. Now my emotions just spill out.
ERIC: Yeah, mom, you're sweating all over your pork chop. (Donna walks through the door.) Hey. There's my favorite coed. (He gets up and walks to her.) Hey, you all packed for visitors' weekend?
DONNA: I can't go. My dad's making me visit Marquette instead. He thinks it's a better school 'cause it's private. Oh, and 'cause it sounds French.
ERIC: Well, you know what? We'll just go with you. I mean, if it's a better school, then I belong there too, right, dad?
RED: No. State schools are cheap. That's where you belong.
ERIC: Well, what if you, like, took out a second mortgage on the house?
RED: (Laughs with Hyde chiming in with him.) Not for you, dumbass.
(Donna's room. Eric and Donna are talking.)
DONNA: (Shutting her bedroom door.) I have a bad feeling about this weekend, Eric. Nothing good can come from us visiting different schools.
ERIC: Well, yeah, but there's an upside. Two days apart? I mean, when we get together, it's gonna be electric, baby. Like a thunderstorm.
DONNA: Eric, I'm serious. I mean, what if we actually end up going to different colleges and we're apart for four years.
ERIC: Well, then come semester break, you better board up your windows, 'cause guess what. Here comes Hurricane Eric.
DONNA: Board up my windows? What are my windows? And, whatever they are, wouldn't you want to open them?
ERIC: (He nods in agreement.) Look, Donna, all I'm saying is that I think we can get through anything. I mean, we go to different schools now, and we're fine because our love is strong…like a big…burly bear. So zip up your tent, 'cause guess what. This bear has claws.
DONNA: Again, wouldn't you want my tent open? (Again, Eric nods in agreement.)
(Forman kitchen. Red is leaning against the counter as Hyde and Eric enter the room via the living room access.)
RED: Hold it, you two. Now before we hit the road, we need to have a talk about that horrible thing that's taken over your mother.
ERIC: You mean her "change of life"?
HYDE: Thought we were calling it the "lady parts problem."
RED: It goes by many names. Now we're dealing with a tricky enemy here. I haven't been this frosty since Korea. And just like a Commie, it can jump out and attack you at any moment.
KITTY: (From the basement.) Red, honey!
(The two boys flee the room to the driveway.)
KITTY: Red, um…you know, I've been a tad bit moody lately. So, um, if you don't want me to go on this trip, I'll understand.
RED: Well, you know, honey, there's really no need for you to go.
KITTY: I knew you didn't want me to go! Well, I am going whether you like it or not! Why is it so damn hot in here? It's like we're living in hell!
RED: You can say that again.
(Forman driveway. Hyde and Fez are packing the car as Eric and Jackie watch.)
JACKIE: So, Steven, when I go to Marquette with Donna this weekend, there'll be lots of cute boys around.
HYDE: Lucky you.
JACKIE: Well, unlucky them, because I won't let them kiss me. Yeah, that's my promise to you. (Hyde gives her a blank stare.) Now, I'm not saying you have to promise me anything, but if you want to, now would be a good time? (Hyde continues his blank stare.) Okay, well just know…that I won't be kissing anyone.
HYDE: Good to know.
JACKIE: Good to know? Well, that's it?
HYDE: Did I stutter?
(Fez takes a suitcase from Red and puts it in the back of the Vista Cruiser.)
RED: Aw, thanks for the help. You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.
(Fez smiles good-naturedly then walks away.)
KITTY: (Coming out of the house.) Red, honey, you know, I'm sorry about our little spat. The last thing I wanna do is ruin our trip.
RED: Oh, sweetheart, that's okay. (He kisses her on the lips. She laughs and gets in the car.)
ERIC: Wow, mom certainly cheered up.
RED: Don't be fooled. She's a ticking time bomb.
KELSO: (Running up to them.) Hey! Wait up!
RED: What do you want?
KELSO: The explanation is pinned to my lapel.
RED: (Unpins the envelope and takes out the sheet of paper in it and reads it.) "Dear Red, Mr. Kelso and I are unable to take Michael to U.W. Here's $30 so he can go with you." (He looks in the envelope again.) Where's the thirty bucks?
KELSO: Oh, I bought this electronical football game.
RED: I swear to God, Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein.
ERIC: (looking pleased.) Thank you, daddy.
KELSO: "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly. (He rolls his eyes and he and Eric get into the car leaving Red to question "why me?")
(Inside the Vista Cruiser, on the road driving to U.W. Red is driving with Kitty on the passenger side and Fez in between them. Eric, Kelso, and Hyde are in the back seat with Eric behind Kitty, Kelso behind Fez, and Hyde behind Red. Kitty is fanning herself.)
KITTY: Oh, it's like a sauna in here. Wish you all didn't have to breathe so much.
ERIC: All right, guys, you heard the lady. No more breathing.
KITTY: No, I didn't tell you not to breathe. I asked you not to breathe as much. There's a difference!
FEZ: (Quietly to Red.) To crazy people.
RED: (Quietly back to Fez.) Hey, Ali Baba, close sesame.
HYDE: Oh, Red, you just missed the exit.
RED: Oh, Damn it. Eric, you're supposed to be following the map. What the hell are you doing back there?
ERIC: (Holds up an origami crown.) Making you a crown, 'cause you're King of the Road. (Puts it on his own head.)
FEZ: I need to use the bathroom.
HYDE: Hey, can you turn up the radio?
KELSO: First and goal!
ERIC: How much further?
KELSO: (Loudly.) Touchdown!
KITTY: (Yelling.) Would you all just shut up?!
(Marquette. Donna and Jackie are walking through the halls.)
DONNA: This is stupid. I mean, why am I looking at a school I don't even wanna go to? I should've gone to U.W. with Eric. And I should've laughed at his thunderstorm jokes. You know, I bet those sluts at U.W. will laugh at them. Sluts.
JACKIE: Wait, U.W. has sluts? Steven loves sluts.
DONNA: He's not gonna do anything. He's with you now.
JACKIE: Well, I don't know if he is or not. I mean, look, last week he called me his girlfriend, and then this week I couldn't even trick him into promising me he wouldn't fool around with anybody else, and I was very passive/aggressive.
DONNA: I believe that.
JACKIE: Look, Donna, I promised to be faithful, and all he said was, "good to know." "Good to know," Donna! You know what? I'm too depressed to go to orientation with you. Steven crushed my spirit, and now there's only one place I can turn to.
DONNA: Please, God, don't let it be me.
JACKIE: No. The cheerleading demonstration. I mean, at first when they yell, "We've got sprit, how about you?" Well, of course, I'll have to say, "No, but show me a human pyramid and a really sharp pom-pom waterfall, and I'll get it back." (She turns and walks away.)
(U.W. Kelso, Hyde, Eric, and Fez enter the main building followed by Red and Kitty. Kelso looks around in delighted awe.)
RED: What the hell kind of college is this? Barefoot hippies playing Frisbee, barefoot hippies singing songs to trees.
KELSO: Man, this place is awesome. (Looks at a CPR poster.) Look, they even have dirty cartoons on the wall.
HYDE: Kelso, those are CPR instructions.
KELSO: Wow, I've done CPR a lot.
TED: (Walks up to Red and Kitty.) Hi. I'm Ted, Resident Advisor. (He shakes their hands.)
TED: Why don't you folks have a look around, and I'll show the boys where they're going to be staying? (Walks over to the guys.)
RED: I don't know about this place.
KITTY: I'll say. It's the middle of November. I don't see any Thanksgiving decorations.
TED: Visitors Weekend is great. We always have a big Dorm Party-tons of beer, tons of chicks.
HYDE: Hey, I just need one six-pack and 2 chicks, and I'm good.
ERIC: Man, this place is great. It's too bad Donna couldn't make it. (A blonde girl in only a towel walks by.) Oh my God! Would you look at that?
KELSO: We just saw college butt…on a girl.
RED: Hold it. Girls live here, too?
TED: Yes, sir. We're coed.
(The guys look very happy.)
RED: That's it. You're staying with us at the motel.
ERIC: Wait, dad, wait. Think of what a valuable experience this could be for me. I mean, this is my first step into the real world. I'm your little bird, dad. Give me wings to fly.
RED: Butch it up and get in the car.
(Eric walks out to the car, followed by Hyde and Fez. Red walks over to Kelso where he's spying into the girls bathroom.)
KELSO: Excuse me! This is your CPR Coach! I'm gonna need to check your lung capacities! That means their boobs! (Kelso notices Red, who grabs his arm and drags him away from the bathroom.)
(Crowded motel room. There is one bed and four cots, which the boys are lying on and Red is sitting on the real bed looking at a map of the campus.)
RED: There's got to be at least one all-male dormitory on this campus. Ah, here it is-right in between the chapel and the school of interior design.
KITTY: (walks out of the bathroom.) Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.
KELSO: A little?
KITTY: (Yelling.) Shut up! (Normal voice.) So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."
(The guys, including Red, all groan and turn away. Except for Fez who looks at Kitty with a smile.)
FEZ: I'm hooked.
KITTY: (Claps her hands. Then holds up to bars of soap.) Okay, so, um, now say these soaps are my ovaries.
ERIC: Kill me now.
HYDE: Can't hear you, man. I'm on a beach in Florida.
KITTY: Okay, um, about a month ago, they stopped producing… (Kelso's game beeps.) They stopped… (beeping continues.) Stopped producing-that's it. (She throws down the soaps and storms over to Kelso, takes the game and throws it out the window.) What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head?
KELSO: Yes, I was. (Kitty looks surprised and a bit guilty.) And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it!
RED: (Stands up.) Okay, boys, time to leave.
(The boys walk to the door. Fez stops in front of Kitty.)
FEZ: Mrs. Forman? I'm sorry. I washed my face with your ovaries.
RED: Get out.
(Dorm party at U.W. Fez and Hyde are standing by the keg talking to a girl.)
GIRL: So that's a great beard. I've never made out with a guy with a beard.
HYDE: Well, this could be your lucky day.
GIRL: You want to go to my room?
HYDE: Absolutely. (The girl takes his hand and walks away, but is stopped when Hyde stays stationary.) You know what? I can't.
GIRL: All right, but if you change your mind, a few of us girls will be in the shower.
(She walks away as Hyde stands there looking at the ceiling as if questioning why he did that. Fez pushes past him and looks in the direction where the girl left.
FEZ: (Calling after her.) I can go! My name is Fez! Don't pretend you don't see me! (He turns back to Hyde.)
HYDE: Man, what the hell did I just do? I just turned down a sure thing because of Jackie.
FEZ: Hey, you don't know what she's doing at Marquette… (continues in a singsong voice.) Or who.
HYDE: Man, she said she wouldn't do anything.
FEZ: Yeah, but I bet if she did, you'd cry because (continues in sing-song voice) you love her.
HYDE: If you don't shut up, you're gonna be the first person to touch his chin to his ass.
FEZ: Have you been spying on me.
(Kelso is leaning against the wall next to the CPR poster and is talking to a blonde chick.)
KELSO: So I see U.W. has a pretty good CPR program. It's gonna be my major.
(The girl rolls her eyes and walks away. The camera pans to Eric who is talking to a tall blonde girl.)
ERIC: So I told my girlfriend, we can go to separate schools. I mean, people do that all the time, right?
GIRL: Yeah. I mean, my boyfriend goes to school in New York, and we've been together for three years, and we're in love now more than ever.
ERIC: Of course you are, and I bet when you two get together, it's like a thunderstorm, right?
(The girl looks at him confused. Ted walks up.)
TED: Hey, pretty lady. (He and the blonde chick kiss.)
ERIC: Hey, excuse me. Hello? Didn't you just say you had a boyfriend?
GIRL: Yeah, but he's not here.
(She and Ted walk away. Eric looks for his friends.)
ERIC: Did you just see that? (He sits down on the couch next to Hyde.) I told Donna we could go to different schools, and I was extremely wrong, and, man, if she doesn't hate Marquette, we're screwed.
HYDE: Who cares, man? I just turned down a half-drunk college girl. I'm pretty sure she knew how to do stuff.
(Marquette University, Donna picks up the pay phone.)
DONNA: Eric? Is everything okay?
ERIC: Yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to see how you liked Marquette, and can I just say if that snooty switchboard operator's attitude is any indication of the Marquette experience, then I can only assume we're crossing Marquette off the list right now.
DONNA: No, actually, it's great. Okay, they have this English professor. He wears a beret and a corduroy jacket but he listens to Zeppelin.
ERIC: Yeah, well, U.W. has a vending machine, so… (There's a bit of an awkward pause.) Donna, I love you.
DONNA: I love you, too. Bye.
(Eric hangs up the phone sadly. Red, who's sitting on the bed against the headboard looks at him. Kitty is crying at the TV.)
RED: You gonna cry now, too?
KITTY: You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room. (She gets up and walks into the bathroom.)
ERIC: Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.
RED: There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here, nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna, eventually she's gonna turn into that (he gestures to the bathroom.) And then a few years later you'll die.
ERIC: Okay. Thanks for the bedtime story. (He leaves.)
(Marquette. Donna is talking to a couple of girls. Jackie walks up to Donna.)
JACKIE: Donna, I hate it here and I want to go home.
DONNA: Wait. What's wrong? Was there a height requirement for the cheerleading team?
JACKIE: No, it was awful. And when the cheerleaders were yelling, "Go, team, go!" all I was hearing was Steven saying, "Good to know. Good to know."
DONNA: Jackie, your problem is is you're always trying to force people into doing stuff.
JACKIE: Oh, I do not, Donna. Now you feel sorry for me right now.
DONNA: You can't make someone like Hyde do anything. You have to deal with him the same way he deals with you. Look, pretend you don't care what he does, and he'll come around.
JACKIE: Well, I guess it's worth a try. You know, being with a real man is complicated. You are so lucky you're with Eric.
(Donna rolls her eyes and they leave.)
(Forman kitchen. Red and Kitty enter. Fez and Hyde are leaning against the counter near the fridge.)
KITTY: What a wonderful weekend. We should go away more often.
RED: (Stops and waits for Kitty to leave then turns to the two boys.) They gotta make a pill for this. (He follows the path Kitty took out of the room.)
FEZ: Oh, Hyde, I've been meaning to tell you. (He starts to sing.) Hyde and Jackie, sitting in a tree, they're in love like two monkeys.
HYDE: Would you shut up, Fez? That's not even how it goes.
FEZ: Well, is it making you mad?
FEZ: Well, then that's how it goes.
(Fez leaves with a grin on his face. Jackie enters.)
HYDE: Hey. Look, Jackie, I know that you were worried before, so I just wanna let you know, nothing happened on my end this week. (She gives him a blank look.) I'm not telling you that so you'll tell me what you did. (Another blank look.) I just wanna let you know what happened with me. That's my report to you.
JACKIE: All right. Good to know.
HYDE: Good to know?
JACKIE: Did I stutter? (She walks down to the basement.)
(Forman Driveway. Eric is unloading the car. Donna walks up.)
ERIC: Okay. I know you love Marquette, and you know what? I made my peace with that. So if that means we're gonna go to separate schools and drift apart and make out with guys named Ted, then that's just the way it's gonna have to be, because you're gonna get menopause, and I'm gonna die, and we can't control anything that happens to us!
DONNA: (Looks at him confused.) I'm not going to Marquette.
ERIC: Well, then, never mind.
DONNA: I mean, Eric, I loved it, and when I was driving home, I was so excited to tell you about it, and then the drive took forever, and I realized that's how far away I'd be from you all the time, and I don't want that. So I'll just tell my dad I want to go to U.W. with you.
ERIC: Donna, you have no idea how happy you just made me.
DONNA: Eric, this is gonna be great. We're gonna be together all the time.
ERIC: Oh, um…you're not gonna get all clingy, right?
DONNA: Shut up!
ERIC: Come on, I'm going to be a big college man.
ERIC: I'm gonna need my space.
(Forman kitchen. Red and Kitty are talking. Kelso enters the room with another envelope pinned to his coat.)
RED: What do you want?
KELSO: Once again, the explanation is pinned to my lapel.
RED: (Taking out the sheet of paper without bothering to unpin the envelope and reads.) "Dear Mr. & Mrs. Forman, Please give Michael $30 for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents." (Kitty laughs and leaves the room.) Well, you made her laugh. That's worth thirty bucks. (He reaches into his pocket and hands Michael some cash.
END OF SHOW