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(In the basement. Fez walks in with a box of candy)
Fez: Guys, look what I got for big Rhonda. Oh, it's so nice to have a girlfriend on Valentines Day.
Kelso: Yeah, it definitely increases your chances of getting your fun stuff touched.
Eric: Well, (looks down at his crotch) sorry fun stuff! Looks like it's just you and me this year! Unless…
Donna: (Looks at Eric's crotch) Sorry, fun stuff.
Fez: Oh, Rhonda's going to love these. I just have to not eat them until Valentines Day.
Hyde: (Takes the box of candy) But you love candy.
Eric: Some would say it's an un-natural love.
Fez: Yes, I do love candy. But I love Rhonda more.
Hyde: (Opens the box) Really, because there's three pieces missing.
Fez: (Takes the box from Hyde) Fine, I love her the same. (Walks around the room)
(Jackie walks in)
Kelso: How was work?
Jackie: I am so exhausted.
Eric: Yeah, the commute from Austria must be a real bitch.
Jackie: (Sits down) A bus full of old people stopped by the cheese palace and when they saw free samples, all hell broke loose. The good news is (pulls out an envelope from her purse). I got paid!
Kelso: (takes the envelope) Oh, that's great. Because Valentines Day is coming up and I needed you to give me money to tell me whatever foo-foo crap gift you want me to get.
Jackie: (Takes the envelope back) Michael, I'm not doing that again. Last year I gave you money, and you bought a bag of plastic dinosaurs.
Kelso: For you!
Jackie: You need to make some cash, and buy me something nice. Because I worked way too hard for my money, and you're not getting any! Ugh! I smell like hickory! (Runs out of the basement)
Kelso: This bites!
Hyde: (Walks up to Fez who has his back facing towards everyone) Hey Fez, how's it going with not eating the candy?
Fez: (Turns around with chocolate all over his mouth) Fine, thank you. (Puts another chocolate in his mouth)
(Jackie and Donna are sitting at a table and Casey Kelso walks in)
Jackie: Oh my god, Casey Kelso's here.
Donna: What? (Turns around and looks at Casey) Oh my god, he is so fine!
Jackie: You know, if you marry Casey and I marry Michael, we could be like sisters! Yay (claps)! Go talk to him!
Donna: Oh, no.
Jackie: I wanna go baby shopping with you, now go!
Donna: Alright, shut up. (Donna stands up and walks behind Casey and purposely bumps into him) Oh my god! Casey!
Casey: Hey Pinciotti, how ya been? Love the jeans.
Donna: Really? They're blue! (Touches her forehead and widens her eyes like she said something stupid) Um, so what have you like, you know been up to?
Casey: I'm working part time for the railroad. I leave a lot of stuff unlocked. You need any Cheerios, or rebar?
Donna: No, I'm good, thanks.
Casey: Right on. Well listen, I'll give you a call sometime but right now I have to see a guy, he's got a leather steering wheel cover.
Donna: Oh, yeah for the TransAm.
Casey: Yeah, I was thinking about using my GI I built for college but TransAm just kick so much ass.
Donna: I love the TransAm.
Casey: Everybody does.
Donna: Okay, bye!
(Casey leaves and Donna sits back down at the table next to Jackie)
Donna: He's gonna call me!
Jackie: You gave him your number?
Donna: Of course I didn't! Dammit!
Jackie: Oh, that's okay. Kelso's never called. They're like dogs: they're cute, but they can't work a phone.
(Kelso runs in with a brown paper bag)
Kelso: Hey, Jackie. (sits in between Donna and Jackie) I thought about what you said, about making money so I can get you a Valentines Day gift, right? And then, I realized, that'd mean a lot more if I gave you something that I crafted with my own two loving hands. (Opens the brown bag and pulls out a rock with the letters 831 on it. He puts it on the table.)
Jackie: Oh my god, it's horrible!
Kelso: No, it's an address rock! You put it in your lawn! Happy Valentines Day my love (kisses Jackie on the cheek.)
Jackie: Michael, a rock is not a romantic gift and that's not even my address!
Donna: (Turns the rock towards her) That's my address! That's my dad's address rock!
Kelso: No it isn't! (Takes the rock and runs.)
(Forman living room)
(Red is sitting on a chair and Eric walks in the front door)
Eric: Hey dad, you want this? (Hands Red a newspaper.)
Red: Thanks son! I love you.
Eric: (Turns around right away and freezes) I'm sorry, what?
Red: I love you! I really do.
Eric: Yeah (laughs) yeah. (Runs upstairs as fast as he could.)
(Kelso's front door)
(Donna is about to knock but Kelso a.k.a Michael opens it)
Kelso: Donna what are you doing at my house?
Donna: Nothing, I just thought I'd come by and see what you were up to!
Kelso: Oh, you're here to see Casey, aren't you? (Turns around and yells) CASEY YOUR LOVER'S HERE! (Turns back around to Donna and sings) You love my bro-ther, you're gonna do it (Casey comes from behind and pulls Kelso away by his hair.)
Donna: Thank you.
Casey: No problem.
Kelso: (From inside the house) Let's fight!
Casey: (Looks confused, then looks at Donna) Hey, there.
Donna: Hey. Um, you were gonna call me and I remember I, like, never gave you my number. So anyway, here's my number. (Hands Casey a piece of paper.)
Casey: (Takes the paper and puts it in his pocket) You know, I was gonna get that from you tomorrow night when we go out.
Donna: We're going out?
Casey: I'll pick you up at The Hub after school. I'll be in the TransAm.
Donna: I love the TransAm!
Casey: Everybody does! Later, Pinciotti.
Donna: (Waves and says bye in a low voice. Casey closes the door) Pinciotti. (Smiles and walks away happily.)
(Forman dinner table)
(Kitty and Eric are eating breakfast)
Eric: (Says fast) Mom, was Dad abducted by aliens or replaced by an identical creature programmed to love?
Kitty: (Stares at him) Honey, this is breakfast, don't ask me things.
Eric: He told me he loved me.
Kitty: (Looks up and stares motionlessly at Eric for a few seconds) Your father? (Says in a low, deep voice) NO!
Kitty: (Waves her hands) I think I know what happened! I gave your father an early Valentines Day card that said what a wonderful husband and father he is, and it rhymed, and maybe it touched him! (Shakes her head) It didn't look like it touched him, it's just he got up and got a beer. But maybe deep down. (shakes her fists and squints) Deep, deep, deep down something woke up! I am so glad he loves you!
Eric: Yeah, but, mom, this is weird. He's never said that, ever. I mean one time, I saved him from getting hit by a lumber truck, and I think he was about to say it, but then he said get in the car. (Kitty looks like she's about to cry) But, how am I supposed to handle this? You think I should say it back? (Kitty still looks like she's about to cry and closes her eyes and nods) He's gonna hit me.
Kitty: Maybe not. (Continues to do the same thing except now it looks like she's praying. She's excited.)
(In the basement)
(Kelso, Hyde, Fez, and Eric are sitting in THE CIRCLE)
Kelso: I can't believe that Jackie wants me to get a job, I mean, my plan has always been to coast through life on my good looks. I mean, look at me! It's like I was chiseled out of marble!
Eric: Okay you guys, here it goes. (Looks at the camera) Dad, I love you! I love you, pop! Poppy, pappy, daddy, no.
Fez: (Pours more chocolate on one of Rhonda's chocolate candies) Oh no, I have to, I have to stop eating Rhonda's chocolates! (Puts the candy in his mouth) I'm hopeless! (Looks at the can of Hershey's chocolate and drinks out of it.)
Hyde: Kelso, if you need to make some quick cash, just sell your blood. And you, (takes the chocolate can from Fez, but Fez won't let go of it) You've had enough of this!
Fez: No, I can stop anytime I want! (Fez falls on Hyde and they fall over to the floor.)
Kelso: (Looks at them on the floor with a weird face, then turns back around) I am not selling blood, I mean there's no way that anything inside of my body is coming out for cash.
Eric: Well, that's too bad Kelso, 'cause I hear there's this clinic in Madison that'll pay you for your, um, "manly donations."
Kelso: Manly donations? No way! They'll pay you for that? Well I'll do it, I'm good at that!
(At the clinic in Madison)
(Kelso if filling out a form on the counter)
Kelso: Do I have any serious medical conditions? (writes and says out loud) Pukes after crunch berry eating contest.
Lady at front desk (Lafd): You know what, I'll just finish that for you (takes the clipboard from Kelso.)
Kelso: Thank you!
Lafd: Now, Mr (looks up at Kelso slowly) Chang you'll be in room 2. (hands Kelso a key) Some clients prefer a magazine, would you like one?
Kelso: Nah, Farrah was on Carson last night, I should be good to go.
(In the basement)
(Eric walks downstairs)
Eric: Okay, so I was in the kitchen and Red came in and I was gonna tell him I loved him, but uh, then he said if my hair got any longer he was gonna buy me a pair of boobs.
Hyde: Yeah, you're in a tough spot. But just know I'm here for you, because I love you. You know what would make Foreman feel better? A piece of that candy (points to Fez's box of candy).
Fez: No, no, no, there's only nine left, I will guard them with my life.
(Hyde and Eric grab candy from the box.)
Fez: Hyde! Eric! Fez! (eats another piece of chocolate. Kelso walks in.)
Kelso: Easiest money ever made. They paid me fifty buck for my underpants navy.
Hyde: You mean your "corduroy commandos?"
Fez: Yeah, your "team from the inseam?"
Eric: Your "battlepants galactica?"
(They all start randomly talking)
Kelso: (Takes a bowl of popcorn off the table and starts eating it) Man, this job is the greatest! It combines all my interest, hobbies, and skills into one money-making endeavor! I'm gonna get Jackie a sweet gift. Popcorn?
(They all reject it.)
(Forman's front yard. The boys are playing basketball. Donna walks up to Kelso)
Donna: Alright, Kelso. Where's your moron brother? He was supposed to meet me at the hub and he totally blew me off!
Eric: (walks up to Donna) Whoa, a Kelso blew you off? Oh my god, what a shock! Oh, hey, Colonel Mustard called, he said get a clue.
Kelso: You know, if you're mad at Casey, why don't you go yell at him. I'm too tired from working all day to argue.
Fez: Oh, to be a working stiff. (Hyde laughs.)
(Red is sitting at the table reading a newspaper and Kitty is preparing Jell-O.)
Kitty: So Red, you big old softy! (Laughs.) Did anything special happen yesterday? (Sits down next to Red.)
Red: Special? Oh, let's see. The dentist called with a cancellation, so I went in and that sadistic son-of-a-bitch found a cavity! Next thing I know, I'm hopped up on drugs, and he's taking a jackhammer to my jaw! I spent the rest of the day in a fog.
Kitty: (Stares at Red for a while.) Oh, no. Oh my god, you don't remember what you said to Eric?
Red: Kitty, I don't even remember how I got home! (Eric walks in.)
Eric: Alright dad. Look, I've tried to figure out the right words, and then I realized, I just gotta say it. So…
Kitty: Wait, Eric-
Eric: Mom, please. Dad, I-
(The following actions are done in slow motion.)
Kitty: (Stands up) Nooo! Don't! (The Jell-O slips off the plate from Kitty's hand.)
Kitty: He was drugged!
Eric: Love you.
Kitty: (Turns to look at Red with a worried look on her face.)
Red: (Looks at Eric shocked and mad.)
Eric: (Eric's smile turns into a worried look.)
(The Jell-O spills onto the floor and Eric looks back at Red, worried.)
Red: Go to your room!
(Eric turns around and leaves the kitchen.)
(Fez is sitting on the couch with one chocolate left in the box. He looks sad.)
Fez: Rhonda's going to be so disappointed. All that remains is one lonely candy. (picks up the chocolate and the paper beneath it comes attached to it. There are more chocolates are under the paper.)
Fez: Look! More candies! It's a Valentine's Day miracle! (Looks at the chocolate) Oh, candy. You've got me under your spell! (Starts eating the chocolate.)
(Kelso walks in)
Kelso: (Sits on the couch next to Jackie) Jackie, I couldn't wait until Valentines Day, so here (hands Jackie a small box.)
Jackie: (Opens the box and looks shocked) Oh my god, Michael these earrings are gorgeous!
Hyde: Big day at the office?
Kelso: Yeah, I worked a double shift.
Jackie: Wait, wait. You got a job? Michael, I am so proud of you!
Kelso: Oh, no. If it wasn't for you pushing me, I would have never realized how good it feels to roll up my sleeves, get a little sweaty, and earn some cash!
Jackie: (Stands up) Oh, this is so exciting! I can't wait to go visit you at work!
Hyde: That'll speed things up!
Jackie: What's he talking about?
Kelso: Oh I've been selling my "love nectar."
Jackie: (Stares at Kelso) What? Michael, you can't do that! You're hot! Women are gonna wanna take your little Kelso's home!
Hyde: My god, she's right. Think about it: A world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair, there'd be feathered hair, as far as the eye can see, we'll have to put padding on every sharp corner!
Kelso: Those sharp corners could be hazardous, man! I mean, come on, it's 1978, things should be round by now!
(Kelso's front porch)
(Casey is sitting on a chair cleaning some car part on the front porch and Donna walks up to him)
Donna: Hey, Casey! (Turns off his radio)
Casey: Hey Pinciotti!
Donna: What the hell happened to you? I was waiting at the hub!
Casey: See, the thing is when I went to go pick up the steering wheel cover, the TransAm was running kinda rough, so I thought I'd rebuild the carburetor.
Donna: But, I was waiting at The Hub!
Casey: Well, you want a smooth ride, don't you?
Donna: I just think that if you say you're gonna be someplace, that you should be there.
Casey: (Stands up) I guess I flaked. I just got this thing where a lot of times I don't show up. I don't know what to do about it.
Donna: How about showing up?
Casey: I guess I could give that a shot.
Donna: So this'll never happen again?
Casey: No, I'm pretty sure it'll happen again. But we'll light that firecracker when we come to it.
Donna: Fair enough.
(Casey kisses Donna)
Donna: I can't believe this. When I got here, I was so mad at you and I already totally forgave you.
Casey: Everybody does. (Donna laughs.)
(At the clinic in Madison)
(Jackie is talking to the lady at the front desk)
Lady at front desk (Lafd): I'm sorry miss, but I can't give it to you. The donor is the only one who has legal rights over the specimen. (Kelso is sitting behind them in the waiting room with a magazine to his face.)
Jackie: Fine! (Turns around to Kelso) Michael, you get them! You're the only one who has rights over your "special men!"
Kelso: (Puts down the magazine and walks up to Jackie) Jackie, what do you care what I do with my "special men?"
Lafd: Specimen! I said specimen!
Jackie: I care! Because if there are gonna be any Kelso babies well, I want them to be ours.
Kelso: You wanna have my children?
Jackie: Yeah. If you get rich and don't lose your hair, because I love you!
Kelso: I love you too.
(Kelso starts making out with Jackie)
Lafd: You can't do that here!
Kelso: Oh, yeah. She's right. (Takes a key from the front desk) We'll be in room 2. (Runs down the hall to the room with Jackie.)
(One of the rooms in the Forman house. I don't know what it's called.)
(Red is shining his shoes on a sofa and Eric walks downstairs.)
Red: Oh, crap. I was hoping that you wouldn't find me back here.
Eric: Well that's a good ice breaker. Look, um about the love incident-
Red: Alright, stop right there. There are only a few times in life when it's acceptable for a man to use that phrase. When he's drunk, when he's dying, or when he's in big trouble and that's the only way out. Which usually means he's drunk.
Eric: Other than that?
Red: Other than that it's just a give in.
Eric: Hey, you just kinda told me-
Red: No, I didn't.
Eric: Yes you did.
Red: Well I'm drunk. Clearly I'm drunk.
Eric: (Looks like he's about to cry and laugh at the same time) Daddy, be my Valentine!
Red: Do I have to hit you? Go to your room!
Eric: Okay. (Walks upstairs.)
(In the basement)
(Jackie and Kelso walk in. Kelso is carrying a brown paper bag)
Kelso: Good news! My boys are back in friendly hands.
Donna: Ironically, that's just where they started their journey!
Hyde: It's a shame Kelso. It's the one job that I knew you could've been a success at.
Kelso: Thanks, Hyde.
Eric: Kelso, get that nasty bag of genetics out of my basement!
Kelso: This bag? (Kelso throws the bag onto the couch and everybody jumps off the couch.) Burn! It's just a big bag of candy!
Fez: Candy? What kind of candy? (Fez opens the bag and starts looking through it.)