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Hyde, Kelso and Fez are watching TV. Eric comes in, carrying the school paper
ERIC: Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
HYDE: "Skinny Dill-hole Talks Like an Idiot"? Yeah, yeah. I read it.
ERIC: No. Guess who was voted Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?
FEZ: Tommy Larkin? Well, he is dreamy.
ERIC: No. Me, thank you very much.
KELSO: Congratulations, Eric. I guess this opens up a whole new world for you. One where you can actually date chicks.
ERIC: And don't think I haven't already thought of that, my friend...
He imagines the Pick A Chick game show
ERIC: Bachelorina Number One, I've been diagnosed with a disease that makes me irresistible to women. If you were my doctor, what would you do to treat me?
B-1: I'd order you to stay in bed for three weeks... with me.
ERIC: Uh-oh. I'm feeling better already. Bachelorina Number Two?
B-2: Well I'd have you strip down for a complete physical.
ERIC: Well, then I guess we know what's up, Doc. Number Three?
B-3: I'd write you a prescription for love and tell you to take me three times a day.
ERIC: Careful, I might O.D.
HYDE (dressed as a cheesy game show host): Well, Eric it's time to choose. Which one of these luscious, fawning chicks will it be?
ERIC: Gosh, they all sound so great. I can't decide.
HYDE: Well, that's okay. You're Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking. You can have them all!
ERIC: How tremendously fair!
HYDE: Kelso, tell Eric what he gets.
KELSO (he runs up and presents the girls to Eric): Bachelorina Number One is a hot cheerleader. Bachelorina Number Two is a hot cheerleader. Bachelorina Number Three is a hot gymnast who used to be a hot cheerleader.
HYDE: Well, until next time this is Eric's jealous friend Hyde saying, "I wish I was Eric Forman." So long!
HYDE: Forman, don't put me in your fantasies. I don't even like being in your real life.
FEZ: You can put me in your fantasies. I don't mind. I don't have a lot going on.
Donna and Jackie come in
ERIC: Oh hey, Donna. Hey, um, did you see the school paper?
DONNA: Oh yeah. Field hockey team's going to state. Whoo-hoo!
ERIC: Uh-oh. Looks like someone doesn't wanna talk about... the new Most Eligible Viking. Look Donna, this whole, uh "Most Eligible" thing has really taught me something. Um, I'm pretty. So, what do you say like, we officially start dating other people?
DONNA: Oh, I've been waiting for your permission. And can I stay out past nine, please, please?
ERIC: As long as you're gonna be cool when you see me with... one, two or seven of Point Place's juiciest tomatoes.
HYDE: It's just like old times Eric and Donna talking about meaningless crap that affects only them. I've missed it so.
FEZ: I have missed it. I don't have a lot going on.
Kitty is cooking. Red comes in with the paper
RED: Hey, look here. That 58' Corvette down at the used-car lot is still for sale.
KITTY: Oh, and look here. That diamond bracelet down at the mall is still for sale.
BOB (coming in): Hey Red, get this. A while back, I'm in my car crying, 'cause Midgie was gone and I kept having to reach into the glove box for tissues.
KITTY: Oh, that's dangerous. One time I had to blow my nose. Nearly hit that cockeyed girl down the street. I could've sworn she was lookin' right at me.
BOB: So I attached a box of tissues to the sun visor sold the idea for a bundle, and voilà. The Weeper Keeper was born.
RED: Oh God. Are you rich again?
BOB: Yep. I'm back to my I-can-buy-anything-I-want former self. Just picked up two sombreros and a case of Lik-m-aid.
KITTY: Where are you gonna wear a sombrero, Bob?
BOB: Where won't I wear it?
Leo, Kelso, Eric and Hyde are at the Hub
ERIC(with the yearbook): Okay, you guys, which one of these lucky ladies gets to go out with Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?
HYDE: Start with the gymnastics team, but go with the second string just as limber and somethin' to prove.
ERIC: How about her?
KELSO: Yeah, I made out with her once.
ERIC: Okay, I don't want my tongue where Kelso's tongue has been.
KELSO: Oh, you better stay away from your mom then (Eric hits him) I was kidding!
ERIC: What about her?
LEO: Hey, I know her, man. She's not all there, if you know what I mean.
HYDE: She's a space case, huh?
LEO: No, she's missing a toe.
ERIC: Oh you guys. There's that girl Emily. Problem solved. Excuse me, fellas (he walks up to her) Hey, Emily.
EMILY: Oh hi, Eric. I saw your name in the paper.
ERIC: God, that totally slipped my mind although I think I have a copy right here.
JACKIE: Look at him. Donna, you have to start dating, or you're gonna look pathetic. And I'm gonna look pathetic for being seen with you. I know. I'll set you up.
DONNA: Uh-uh. Mm-mmm.
JACKIE: Okay, if you don't wanna do this, just say so.
DONNA: I don't wanna do it.
JACKIE: Oh you don't know what you want.
FEZ (runs in): Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Rhonda just said she has something special to share with me tomorrow night. It can only mean that we're going to do it! No, no, no. Listen to me. I need a place to do it roomy and cheap. Just like my Rhonda.
LEO: You can use the Fotohut, man. I'm always happy to lend it out for deflowering and bar mitzvahs.
FEZ: Thank you, Leo. Tomorrow night, Fez becomes a man.
LEO: Oh, so it is a bar mitzvah.
Red and Bob are admiring the Corvette
RED: Well Bob, thanks for insisting on coming along.
BOB: So Red, what's so special about this thing? It's barely got a trunk. Where do you put the groceries?
RED: This car isn't about groceries. It's about freedom.
BOB: Speaking of freedom, they got free doughnuts (he goes inside)
Red gets into the car, pretending to ride it and then pretends to race it
RED: So long, dumb-ass!
BOB: Hey, Red.
RED: Hey. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's plenty of leg room in here. Oh.
BOB: Glad you like it. I just bought it.
RED: You what?
BOB: Yeah, I'm pickin' it up tomorrow. Sure hope that trunk will hold my sombreros.
The guys are playing mouse trap
FEZ: Oh is it my turn? Oh funny, 'cause tonight is also my turn... Ah! To do it.
JACKIE (coming in): Guess what, Eric? Donna has a date tonight too. Yep, yep, yep. Mm-hmm. I set her up with Michael's older brother, Casey.
ERIC & HYDE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HYDE: Oh man, Donna's going out with Casey Kelso? Casey "What's the big deal? It's just a misdemeanor" Kelso? Man, that's gonna be the best bad date ever. Hey, we should hide in the trunk.
KELSO: Oh, like Sprytle and Chimchim!
ERIC: Oh my God. I would pay to see that date.
HYDE (girlie voice): Oh, uh "So, Casey what are your thoughts on feminism?"
ERIC: "Well, Donna, I think it can munch my butt."
KELSO: All right. Hey. My brother's not that bad, okay? He taught us lot of good, useful stuff about chicks like, the bigger the boobs, the smaller the brain. That's a timeless truth.
FEZ: I'll tell you another timeless truth. I'm going to do it!
Jackie is doing Donna's hair
DONNA: I don't know why I let you set me up with Casey Kelso. From what I remember, he's, like, a Kelso.
A car honks
JACKIE: Ooh he's here. Okay, come on. Try to look pretty.
DONNA: That's it? That's all I get is a honk? What kind of a jerk won't even come to the door?
Donna stares at Casey
DONNA: Oh my God. Casey?
CASEY: Hey Pinciotti. Man, you really grew into those legs.
DONA: Yeah. And you... our arms seem bigger. You... (giggles)
CASEY: So you ready to roll?
DONNA: Roll? I'm ready (turns to Jackie) We're gonna roll!
Fez is sitting at the table. Kitty comes in
KITTY: Fez honey, what are you.. Did you come for cake?
FEZ: No I... Do you have cake? No, no, no. I came... I came here because I have this... friend.
KITTY: Oh, really? What's his name?
FEZ: Name? Uh... Johnny... Table.
KITTY: And what's Johnny Table's problem?
FEZ: Well he and his girlfriend are about to do something very special for the first time.
KITTY: You mean, they're going to engage in...
FEZ: Putt-putt. They are going... They're going to putt-putt. And-And-And she has putted around quite a bit. But-But he is a virgin, uh, putter... a-a virgin putter. He has never putted.
KITTY: I see.
FEZ: And my friend, uh... Ay.
KITTY: Johnny Table?
FEZ: Yes. Um, he cannot talk to Eric or Kelso or Hyde because they make fun of me... him... Johnny... Table.
KITTY: So he's coming to you. Well, honey, you tell Johnny Table to be respectful and wear a condom.
FEZ: Thank you, Mrs. Forman. That's good advice.
FEZ: So um, may I have my piece of cake now?
FEZ: And one for Johnny Table.
Eric is on a date
ERIC: So when my dad saw that I had broken the TV with the bowling ball, I said "You fix it, dumb-ass." Ah, it shut him up.
EMILY: You know, Eric, I've had a crush on you for so long. Well, since the paper came out.
ERIC: Oh right, the Most Eligible Viking. Well, that's just good reporting.
Donna and Casey are leaning against Casey's car
DONNA: I can't believe you're Kelso's brother. I mean, you're nothing like him. 'Cause he's, like... And you're all...
CASEY: Hey, you want a cold one?
DONNA: Okay. Thanks. This is fun. I've been spending, like, way too much time worrying about my mom and stuff.
CASEY: Hey I learned something in the army. When things are tough turn up the music and crack open another beer.
DONNA: Yeah you mean, like, things will eventually get better?
CASEY: I don't know about that. But if they don't, at least you'll have a beer.
Red and Kitty are sitting on the porch. Bob walks up
BOB: Red, guess what? I went down to pay for my Corvette, and some jerk-wad bought it out from under me.
RED: Oh. Well that's a tough break, Bob. But you know what would make you feel better? (he clicks the remote control and the garage door opens) A look at my new Corvette.
KITTY: Oh my goodness, it's beautiful.
BOB: You bought my car? That doesn't make me feel better, Red.
RED: I'm sorry. Did I say make you feel better? I meant make me feel better.
Fez is getting ready
FEZ: Leo, thanks for letting me use the Fotohut for my date with Rhonda. And when I say date, I mean Do it!
RHONDA (coming in): Hi, Fez.
FEZ: Rhonda, you look beautiful.
LEO: Well I'll leave you two with the same advice my father gave me: "Get a job, dopehead." (he leaves)
FEZ: So, here we are (he starts clearing the counter)
RHONDA: You know, Fez, I've been with a lot of guys. You're more special than any of them.
FEZ: Now, I've cleared a space right over here...
RHONDA: And-And because I care about you and about us I wanna wait.
FEZ: Wait? Rhonda, hear me now: Things are turning blue.
RHONDA: But... But-But, Fez, I love ya.
FEZ: But... But! Oh, I love you too.
FEZ: Yes, damn it. So, if you want to wait, we'll wait.
RHONDA: Ah, come here, Cocoa Puff (they hug)
FEZ: Yeah, this is nice. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sit in the snow.
Eric and Emily walk up
ERIC: So anyway, I just turn to my dad and I say "Yes, I am some sort of wiseass." Well, shut him up.
EMILY: Anyway, this was fun. Call me?
ERIC: Okay (she walks away, he shouts) Hey, Emily!
EMILY: On the phone, silly.
ERIC: All right. I am silly.
Donna and Casey walk up
CASEY: Hey Foreplay, is that you?
DONNA: "Foreplay." I forgot about that.
CASEY: Come here, little guy! (he grabs Eric and rubs his head)
ERIC: Okay, all right. Okay, all right. Good to see you. Okay. Okay, all right (cuts himself loose) Okay. Okay.
CASEY: Man, you haven't changed a bit. You still got that haircut, huh?
ERIC: No. So, uh, they let you out of the army, huh?
CASEY: Yeah. It was kinda like they were always tryin' to tell me what to do. Hey, uh, Pinciotti tells me you and her used to go out, but you dumped her.
ERIC: Well, yeah. But it was kind of complicated with the ring. And we talked, but she...
CASEY: Yeah, it's a great story. Anyhow, I'll see you around, Pinciotti.
CASEY: You too, Foreplay (he leaves)
ERIC: Yeah, okay. Ooh, Casey Kelso, huh? Better luck next time.
DONNA: No, actually, I think I might go out with him again.
ERIC: Okay! (Donna looks serious) What... Okay. But, um, I have just two words for you: Donna Kelso.
DONNA: See ya (she walks off)
ERIC: What... No! But think of the children! Little redheaded morons. They'd have to go to special schools. It'd be expensive. Donna and Casey? (he has a serious look then starts to laugh again) He's a Kelso!
Hyde is in his chair. Kelso and Eric are on the couch. Fez comes in
FEZ: Behold, my friends. Your lovable foreign exchange student Fez has done it. With a woman (they look at him) Fine. I'm still a virgin! You forced it out of me. Stop looking at me!
He leaves. Kelso hands some money to Hyde.