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405 : Script VO

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FORMAN KITCHEN


The Formans are having breakfast. Steven walks in, in his dressing gown


RED: Steven, it's 7-damn-30 in the morning. What the hell are you doing here?

KITTY: Red, be nice. Steven, we're waiting.

HYDE: Oh, I've been living in the basement.

ERIC: You know, I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor but I just wrote it off to my changing teenage body.

HYDE: I moved back in when my dad got transferred.

RED: Transferred? He's a bartender. Where'd he get transferred to, the jukebox?

HYDE: You know, Red, if it's cool, I'd kinda rather not talk about it.

KITTY: Well, Steven, it's important to get these things out in the open.

RED: Kitty, let him do what's natural and keep his feelings bottled up. Attaboy.

KITTY: Well, welcome back, Steven. You know, maybe we can spruce up your old room since I decided to redo the basement.

ERIC: What? You're redoing the basement?

KITTY: Well, honey, no one uses it.

ERIC: I use it. Every day. It's my Batcave.

RED: I'll find you a good, cheap contractor.

KITTY: Oh, no, no, no. This is something I want to handle myself.

RED: This is going to be expensive, isn't it?

KITTY: Maybe.

RED: Don't you like anything cheap?

KITTY: I like you.


OPENING CREDITS


FORMAN BASEMENT


The gang are in the basement


KELSO: Yeah, I'm gonna miss it down here. A lot of good times. I broke my foot climbing out of this dryer. Yeah, I hit my head playing handball with the soap in that shower. Me and Jackie totally did it, like, a bajillion times on this old sofa (Donna and Eric get up)

JACKIE: Michael, that's private.

HYDE: I got news for you. It wasn't that private.

KITTY (coming out of the back room): Oh, my God! That is the biggest spider I have ever seen. I think it had a rat in its mouth. Okay, I think maybe the basement isn't the place for me after all.

ERIC: Oh, you know what, Mom? I think you might be right. I mean, not only is it bug-infested, but in all honesty... I think it might be haunted (he hides his mouth behind his hands) Get out.

KELSO: That's spooky.

DONNA: I don't know, Mrs. Forman. I mean, sure, it's a pit now but if you paint, fumigate and get rid of Eric, this could be a great room.

ERIC: Hey, wh... Hey, okay. You're not my girlfriend anymore. Okay? So you don't get an opinion on my stuff now. Mom, don't listen to her. She's crazy.

DONNA: Wait, I disagree with you, so I'm crazy? I think the last time I disagreed with you was the sanest thing I ever did.

ERIC: Okay, are you referring to our breakup? Because I must remind everyone that she wore my promise ring around her neck. That's crazy. Ring, finger. Finger, ring.

DONNA: Well, you're lucky I didn't shove the ring up your ass.

ERIC: Mom!

KELSO: All right. Wait. Who said, ''Get out''?

DONNA: Anyway, Mrs. Forman, we have a bunch of decorating magazines at home. I'll bring 'em over.

KITTY: Well, thank you, Donna. And I think that ring looked nice around your neck.

ERIC: Donna, what the hell? What, we're not going out anymore so you don't like my basement?

DONNA: Well, I guess now that I'm an ex-girlfriend I'm free to tell the truth. Free at last! Free at last! Whoo! (she leaves)

JACKIE: Michael, get Eric some ice.

KELSO: Why?

JACKIE: For that wicked burn! Burn, Eric! Burn!

FEZ (coming in): Oh, happy day. Your friend Fez has taken his love of dance to its logical conclusion. I have joined a ballet class.

HYDE: Man, no offense, but you're, like, one good cry away from being the total woman.

FEZ: Oh, really? Well, would a total woman have her own pink satin slippers?


FORMAN KITCHEN


Two guys are standing in the kitchen. Kitty is pouring lemonade. Red walks in


KITTY: Oh, Red, here. Um, meet our contractors. This is Theo and...

LEO: Hey, Mr. Eric's Dad.

RED: THIS is who you hired to redo our basement?!

KITTY: Well, no, no. Actually, I hired Theo. And, uh, I didn't really expect Leo. That was, um.. That was a bonus. Here. Shoo, Leo.

THEO: Don't worry, ma'am. Leo is solid. And he's not allowed to touch anything electrical.

RED: Kitty, I hate to interfere...

THEO: I understand your concern, sir. But I'm not an irresponsible screwup like my cousin Leo.

LEO: That's true, man.

THEO: I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life. But then one day the smoke cleared.

KITTY: See, Red? He had an epiphany.

THEO: Actually, I ran out of weed, and the smoke cleared. But, uh... then I saw how trashed my apartment was, so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.

RED: Well, I'm sold.


FORMAN BASEMENT


Donna is taking measurements around the basement. Eric is following her


ERIC: Okay, Donna, when did you stop liking my basement?

DONNA: I never liked it. There were a lot of things I kept to myself when we were dating.

ERIC: Yeah, well there were plenty of things I kept to myself. Plenty.

HYDE: Like what, for instance? I'm sure Donna would like to know.

DONNA: Yeah, like what, for instance?

ERIC: Well, like... why don't you just start first?

DONNA: Okay. You know how when you eat, and you smack your lips in that really cute way?

ERIC: Yeah.

DONNA: It's disgusting.

ERIC: That's all you got?

DONNA: No. You have tiny wrists.

ERIC: What? No, I don't (to Kitty, who comes in) Mom, do I have tiny wrists?

KITTY: No, not tiny. Dainty (Eric looks sad) No, no, no. No, no. The doctor always said you were in the normal range.

ERIC: See? Normal, Big Bone Magoo.


BALLET CLASS


Fez helps a ballet dancer stretch her leg


GIRL: Ooh. That's nice.

FEZ: You don't have to tell me.

GIRL: It's really cool you're here. Most men won't take ballet class.

FEZ: Oh, my pet, most men are not Fez...


He imagines a dance-scene with him and the gang.


FORMAN BASEMENT – HYDE's ROOM


Hyde is on his bed, reading. Eric is pacing around


ERIC: This whole basement thing is Donna's fault. I mean, what's her problem?
She's been messing with me all day.

HYDE: It could be payback.

ERIC: For what?

HYDE: Well, she had to see you naked for two years. That must've been unpleasant.

ERIC: You know, for a guy who's been orphaned twice, you really lack compassion. Speaking of hurtful things... Hey, where's your dad, man?

Okay. He, uh... He went to work for the police (silence) developing high-tech handcuffs to restrain people with tiny wrists.


FORMAN DRIVEWAY


Hyde, Eric and Kelso are shooting hoops. Jackie and Donna are watching. Fez
walks up in ballet clothes


KELSO: Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.

FEZ: Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls... a hairy, brown girl.

ERIC: Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?

DONNA: You should talk. That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.

ERIC: God, what did you have for breakfast this morning Carnation Instant Bitch?

HYDE: Okay, that one was out of the park.

JACKIE: OH, I am so bored with you two. You know what? I actually want to talk about Fez. Fez, why don't the women at ballet love you?

FEZ: I don't know. They let me touch their thighs but not their hearts.

JACKIE: You know what might help? If you dressed a little more masculine.

KELSO: Hey, Hyde, you know what my favorite ballet is?

HYDEL The Nutcracker? (he throws the ball into Kelso's ....)


FORMAN BASEMENT


Theo and Leo are working on some wood. Hyde and Eric come in


ERIC: Hey, guys. Don't you think it's time to knock off? You know, maybe forever?

THEO: Yeah, well, we're not done yet. Don't let us get in your way. Do whatever you'd normally do.


FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE;


THEO: This is what you normally do? I used to do this, too, back when I was being an artist. I love art. But I hate work. But I love art. But I hate work.

HYDE: Do you hear that, Forman? Theo's an artist who hates work and who at this moment is very open to suggestion.

ERIC: Oh. I gotcha, Hyde. Theo, cluck like a chicken. Do it (Hyde hits him) Ow! Oh. Theo, if you're unhappy, and I hope you are you gotta be true to yourself. Give up construction, man. Go back to art.

LEO: You broke up with Art?


THE HUB


Donna is talking to Jackie and Kelso


DONNA: I don't know what Eric's problem is. I wasn't being a bitch, was I?

JACKIE: Oh. Donna, I know from bitch, and yes-yes, you were. But I feel much closer to you now.

KELSO: All right. Okay. I know what's going on here. You're being mean to Eric because you wanna do it with him. When Jackie dumped me, I had a buttload of leftover ''wanting to do it with her'' feelings.

DONNA: Oh, my God. You morons might be right. But why do I have these stupid feelings left over? I mean I just want to be friends with him now.

JACKIE: What a child.

KELSO: So innocent. You're never gonna be friends with him. The only reason he was friends with you was so he could do it with you.

DONNA: Really? So he made friends with me when I was five so he could do it with me when I was 17?

KELSO: Well, that and your sweet Big Wheel.


Fez walks up to them dressed in thights with a BIG sock in it


FEZ: Okay, off to ballet class now. More masculine, yes?


FORMAN KITCHEN


Red and Kitty are sitting at the table. Leo walks in


LEO: Okay. We're all done.

KITTY: But you've only been here a day.

LEO: Well, you know what they say: Rome was built in a day.

REDL No. Uh, ''Rome wasn't built in a day.''

LEO: Oh? Well, your basement was built in a day.


FORMAN BASEMENT


Theo is in the basement. Leo, Kitty and Red come downstairs


THEO: Ta-da.

KITTY: Y-You didn't do anything.

THEO: It's a commentary. See, you wanted to change your basement into something that it wasn't. So instead of giving you something that you thought you wanted... I gave you something that you needed.

KITTY: Red, I think my contractor's on dope.

THEO: No need to thank me.

RED: Oh, we won't. Because you didn't do anything, hophead.

THEO: Oh! Look! It's art! I moved everything in this basement...two inches to the left.

KITTY"Oh, yeah.

THEO: I call it ''Basement... Two Inches to the Left.''

LEO: It's wild, huh? I mean, it's like.... Where are you?

RED: All right. Mrs. Eric's Mother would like you to leave now.

THEO: Okay, you don't get it. But when your life shifts two inches to the left you're gonna call me. Oh, yes. You are gonna call me!

LEO: And if you like our work, tell your friends, okay?


Theo and Leo leave. Kitty and Red walk upstairs.


ERIC: Well, well, well. Look who finally got his basement back.

HYDE: Yep. Outwitted two hippie burnouts. Walk tall.

ERIC: So, hey, Hyde. Come on. Where's your dad? Really.

HYDE: Fine. You want to know? He and my mom got back together.

ERIC: No way. No way. That's great. So, where are they?

HYDE: I can't tell you.

ERIC: Why not?

HYDE: 'Cause they won't tell me.

ERIC: They split on you? Oh, man.

HYDE: Oh, man. See, this is why I didn't wanna tell you. I knew you'd get all After School Special on me.

ERIC: Me? Please (he climbs on Hyde to cuddle him) It's okay. You're home now.

HYDE: Get off me, man.

ERIC: No, you let me love you, orphan boy! Don't hide from your feelings!


FORMAN DRIVEWAY


Eric is shooting hoops. Donna walks up


DONNA: So, hey.

ERIC: Hey.

DONNA: Look, I'm sorry I've been so...

ERIC: Bitchy? Yeah, I hadn't noticed. Who said ''bitchy''?

DONNA: Yeah, well, it turns out that there are some lingering feelings or something. Not real feelings... just, like, lingering urges. But they're just lingering feelings. They're not actual feelings. I just wanna make that very clear.

ERIC: You have. By using the word ''lingering,'' like, six times.

DONNA: Okay. And the basement's actually really cool. And your wrists are very wide.

ERIC: Hmm. Um, there must be some way to break the tension here. Oh, I know. Let's just have sex.

DONNA: Okay.

ERIC: Really?

DONNA: No. See ya! (she leaves)

ERIC: Tsk. Like I wanted to... I did want to.


END CREDITS


BALLET CLASS


Fez is at ballet class, dancing with all the girls. It is modern dance, and at the end of the routine, one girl lies on the floor at his feet. He lies down on top of her, then looks up and smiles.


THE END.

Ecrit par orelye 

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