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(The basement. Eric is sitting on the couch doing something. Hyde and Kelso walk
in the room.)
(He goes to sit at his chair. Kelso sits on the couch next to Eric.)
Kelso: Whatcha doing?
Eric: Just counting my secret stash. I’m getting something special for Donna.
Kelso: Oh, something special, huh? Oh, is it firecrackers?
Kelso: No, no, cause, if it’s something that blows up, I’ll go halfsies.
(Eric just stares at Kelso. Kelso takes this, for once, in the right way, stands
up, and walks around to the back of the couch.)
Eric: It’s a promise ring. ‘Cause, you know, Donna and I have been fighting a
Hyde: Forman. You get mushy with Donna, she’s gonna see the secret girl inside
the man. Now, trust me. You don’t wanna let Erica out.
Kelso: (Sitting back down on the arm of the couch.) Heh heh, Erica. That’s a
good burn. You can’t do that with Michael, I’m lucky.
Hyde: Oh, really Michelle?
Kelso: Oh, I forgot about Michelle. (to Eric) Look. Hyde obviously doesn’t
understand mature relationships. But I do. And a promise ring is not only a gift
from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthing off. (He considers
what he’s just said.) I’m getting one for Jackie, too!
Eric: Great. Let’s go!
Kelso: All right! Se ya later, Hyde-a…uh, lisha. (To Eric:) What’s a good girlie
name for Hyde?
Eric: Uh, Hyde…dringa?
Hyde: It’s Heidi, you morons, Heidi!
** ** **
(A darkish alley. Eric and Kelso are standing around waiting for something.)
Eric: Ok. Is it me, or is this…not a ring store?
Kelso: Will you trust me? I know a guy who knows a guy. He’ll be here any
(A figure wearing a hooded jacket walks up. We can’t see his face. He moves the
hood aside and we see that it’s…)
Leo: Hey dudes.
Eric: Leo’s the guy? Kelso, I thought you knew a guy who knew a guy.
Kelso: Yeah, I do.
Eric: But I know Leo.
Kelso: Fine, so you’re the guy!
Eric: So…Leo, you sell promise rings?
Leo: Promise rings, concert tees…(Eyebrows raised) other stuff.
Kelso: That’s nice.
Eric: Yeah. Ok, we’ll take two rings and, a misdemeanor’s worth of the other
(That 70’s Show theme song plays.)
** ** **
(The basement. Eric, Fez, Hyde, and Kelso are sitting around getting high. The
camera swings from person to person.)
Eric: (holding up his newly obtained promise ring.) Ah, the ring of love. Just
holding it makes me feel mellow, and content. (A beat, as he stares at the
ring.) Actually, that might not be the ring.
Fez: Why is everybody but Fez in love? If I don’t get some romance soon I’m
going to give myself a blister. Well…another blister.
Hyde: Tell you what, Fez. I’m gonna take you cruising for chicks in the El
Camino. And, I’m gonna let you buy the gas. And, buy my dinner. And, if we meet
a chick, I’m gonna let you walk home.
Kelso: Guys, what if Jackie doesn’t want a ring from a guy like me? I mean,
sure, I’m good looking, but, I can’t be trusted!
Eric: No. You guys are the perfect couple. You do the bad stuff, and she tries
to catch you. She’s…Smokey to your bandit. God, it’s like that movie applies to
Kelso: I just…I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing. That wasn’t
actually the ring. You know? Like a, a test gift just to see what she would say,
and then if it went bad I could just walk away. Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I
wish I could do that all the time. (Realization of what he’s just said sinks
in.) Oh! Oh, man!
** ** **
(Eric’s driveway. Eric and Donna are laying next to each other on the hood of
Eric: That was fun, huh? It was a good movie. It was one of those love movies
like you like, huh? And who took ya? This guy.
Donna: Yeah, it was great.
Eric: You know what else this guy did for you? (He sits up and pulls out the
ring box.) Got you a present.
Donna: (Sits up and takes the box.) Aw. (Reading the tag:) To Donna. Love, This
Eric: Yeah. That’s me.
Donna: (She opens the box.) Oh my god.
Eric: It’s a promise ring.
Donna: Eric, it’s…it’s beautiful.
Eric: I’m so glad you like it. ‘Cause, look. (He reaches over and takes hold of
her hand. He sqeezes it, it looks like he’s about to say something very
meaningful.) Even though things’ve been a little…weird lately…
Kitty: (Who’s just opened the door. Red is standing beside her.) Oh! Look how
cute on the car!
Donna: Here. (She hops off the car.) Look at what Eric got me!
Kitty: Oh, my, Red, go get the camera.
Eric: Mom, I—
Kitty: Go! It’s, it’s in the drawer near the cheese grater.
(Red heads back inside.)
Eric: Mom! No.
Kitty: Hush! Donna. Now. Make the face you made when Eric gave you the ring.
(Donna rolls her eyes.) Oh, now, see, I don’t think you rolled your eyes!
Red: Kitty. I cut myself on the cheese grater.
(Eric and Donna take this moment to run off to safety.)
Kitty: Oh, now you get back here and smile, damn it!
** ** **
(The Hub. Donna and Jackie are eating at a table near the back. Donna is playing
with her ring, which she has put on her left index finger. She holds it in front
of her, looks at it, then twists it a little and looks at it again.)
Donna: Can you believe it? Isn’t it pretty?
Jackie: Yeah. I really need to introduce you to my good friend nail polish.
(Donna rolls her eyes playfully at Jackie.) And, a promise ring is sacred,
Donna. Why aren’t you wearing it on your left ring finger?
Donna: I don’t know. ‘Cause I like it on this finger. What’s the difference?
Jackie: Donna. If you don’t wear your promise ring on your left ring finger it
totally cancels out the promise that you’ll be together forever.
Donna: Wait, that’s what I promised?
(Fez walks into The Hub and walks up to Jackie and Donna.)
Fez: Hey, ladies. Oh, nice ring, Donna. Jackie, lemme see yours.
Jackie: (confused) I don’t have one.
Fez: Oh, no, of course not. Because Kelso has not given you one yet. (Jackie’s
face lights up. Fez realizes he’s saying more than he should be.) I mean, ever,
I mean…look away…(He runs out of the Hub.)
Jackie: Donna, did you hear that? Michael’s giving me a promise ring.
Donna: Yeah, that’s great.
Jackie: I wonder how he’s gonna give it to me. I hope he hides it in food. I
told him if he ever gives me something nice, he should put it in food. It’s
** ** **
(The El Camino. Hyde is in the driver’s seat, and Fez is sitting in the
Hyde: All right, man, be cool. These chicks are checking us out.
Fez: Cool. Gotcha. (He leans out the window and says, rather loudly:) Hello
Hyde: (Reaches over and pulls Fez back in the car.) No, man, that’s not how you
do it! You gotta be aloof.
Fez: Did you just call me a…loof? Because if so, I’ll have to kick you in your
Hyde: No, man. Aloof. Distant. Zen.
Fez: Well that’s not what loof means in my language.
Hyde: Look, I don’t care what you think it means, that’s what it means here.
(There’s a pause.)
Fez: You’re the loof.
Hyde: Fez, it’s not—
Fez: I said loof!!
** ** **
(The Hub. Jackie is sitting at a table. Kelso brings her a sundae.)
Kelso: Hey, sweetie! I got you something. It’s a gift. A token of my love. Do
you accept it?
Jackie: A sundae? (Gasps, obviously thinking this is the place where he’s hidden
her ring.) Oh…(She digs into it, shoveling the ice cream into her face. It’s
really quite disgusting.) Mmm! Mglsuhgd! (She keeps eating the sundae.)
Kelso: Uh…you could…uh…uh…you could close your mouth if you, if you want…
Jackie: (She stops forcing the stuff in her mouth to hunt around with the spoon.
She smooshes and smashes, but she can’t find the ring.) Wghtahegh, gmigal?!?
Gisis stupid ice cream??
Kelso: (Leans over to wipe some ice cream off of her mouth.) No, it’s stupid ice
cream of love.
** ** **
(The Forman’s drive way. Hyde is shooting baskets, but Kelso has his arm up the
hoop and blocks every shot. Fez and Jackie are standing by watching. Eric is
waiting for Donna. She walks up.)
Eric: Oh, there you are. The movie’s about to start. Come on. (He takes her arm
and looks down at it.) Where…where’s your ring?
Donna: Oh! I put it on a chain so I could wear it around my neck. (She walks
around to the car. Eric stands somewhat uneasy about this.)
Kelso: BURN!! Oh, super burn, the wedding’s off!
Eric and Donna: Kelso, shut up.
Jackie: Yeah, Michael, you don’t know anything about anything!
Kelso: (Slowly and deliberatly, emphasizing each word:) I…do…too!
Hyde: (To Fez:) Now I don’t know which fight’s the funniest!
Eric: Wait, fight? We’re…ok, I’ll be right back. (He walks to where Donna is
standing. Everybody follows, right behind him. To Donna:) Donna, why aren’t you
wearing the ring on your hand?
Donna: I don’t know, I didn’t really think it was a big deal.
Jackie: That is not true. I told you! I told her it was a big deal.
Donna: Look, Eric, why don’t we talk about this later?
Eric: Well, I, you know, there’s not really anything to talk about. Unless…you
don’t wanna wear thie ring.
Kelso: Ouch! (Everybody turns to look at him.) Sorry, I’m sorry. (He gestures at
Eric and Donna to continue.)
Donna: (She looks trapped for a moment, then she laughs and takes the necklace
off and puts it on her finger.) It’s great. The ring is great. See? It’s great!
Eric: So…we’re good?
Donna: Yeah! Fine.
Eric: Ok! Good!
(They are about to get in the car when Kitty runs out with the camera. Eric has
a huge smile on his face, while Donna seems less than thrilled as Kitty snaps a
Kitty: It’s my god given right as a mother!
(She runs back in the house.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Fez, Jackie, Kitty, Red, Bob, Midge, and Hyde are all
clustered around the picture Kitty took.)
Fez: Oh, Mrs. Forman, that is a wonderful picture. You can really see how
unhappy Donna is.
Jackie: Ok. All I know is, when Donna said she was fine, she didn’t seem that
Kitty: Eric has never been good at knowing when fine isn’t fine. It runs in the
Red: No, it does not!
Kitty: (Angrily.) Fine.
Red: Ok! Good!
Bob: I dunno. She doesn’t look that unhappy. (Turning to Midge) She kinda looks
Midge: I’m unhappy, Bob.
(There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence, then we here a can opening.
The herd of people part, and we see Hyde in front of the refridgerator holding a
beer. He says nothing. Everybody stares at him. He stared back. After a longish
Hyde: I’m just so worried about Eric and Donna! (he laughs) Aw, fine! (He hands
the beer to Red.)
** ** **
(Donna is sleeping. The scene morphs to her dream, where she is dressed as a
carrot on the show “Let’s Make A Deal”.)
Announcer: Welcome to, “Let’s Make a Deal”!
Host: All right, Donna, which is it gonna be? Your future behind door number
one, door number two, or door number three?
Donna: (Jumping up and down) Oh my god, I don’t know! Ok.
Donna: Door number three.
Host: Door number three. All right, let’s take a look at what you didn’t choose
behind door number one. (The doors open to reveal the prize.) It’s a leather
jacket and a typewriter which you could have used when you became a globe
Donna: Wow, that would’ve been nice.
Host: Yeah, too bad. All right, let’s take a look at what was behind door number
two. (These doors also open to reveal the prize.) The U.S. Constitution which
would have come in handy when you became the first woman president!
Donna: Oh, Monty, these prizes are bitchen’!
Host: Yeah, truly bitchen’! Now, let’s take a look at what you did choose behind
door number three! (The doors open to reveal Eric, who’s wearing a shirt with a
big zero on it and sitting on a donkey. He’s waving happily at Donna.) It’s your
boyfriend and a promise ring!
Eric: I love you! (He blows her a kiss.)
(Donna wakes up, unappy, and looks at her ring.)
** ** **
(The Hub. Hyde is playing pinball and Fez is watching.)
Fez: Hyde, when I cruise a girl, how long do I have to talk to her before she
will french me?
Hyde: That depends on what kind of girl you’re cruising for. Which is why I’m
gonna aim low. Real low. Just this side of gross.
(Jackie walks in The Hub and approaches Hyde and Fez.)
Jackie: Where is Michael Kelso? I want my ring.
Fez: He’s in the toilet. (Jackie heads towards the bathrooms.) Jackie, wait,
wait. Kelso wants to give you the ring. But he’s scared.
Jackie: Why is he scared?
Hyde: Because you’re scary.
Fez: No, because, Kelso is delicate. Sensitive.
Hyde: Girlish, even.
Fez: You cannot push him into this. You’ve gotta be gentle. He’ll do it when
(Kelso walks out of the bathroom, and Jackie goes up to him.)
Jackie: Where’s my ring, you idiot?
Hyde: Or yell at him, it’s more fun for us.
Jackie: Look, you. I want my promise ring, and I want it now. Give it.
Kelso: Really? Ok, just…wait, cause I just, I wanna do this right. (He gets down
on one knee and takes out the ring.) Jackie? From the first minute that I saw
you, I knew that I wanted to fool around with you. (Jackie turns around and
shoots Hyde and Fez a look, who shrug. She turns back to Kelso.) And then, after
we did that, and I still wanted to talk to you, I knew that I never wanted to be
without you. So…will you accept my ring?
Jackie: Yeah. Yeah, Michael, I will.
(Kelso stands up and they hug. Hyde and Fez just stare.)
Hyde: Oh, god.
Fez: I know.
** ** **
(The basement. Eric is sitting and reading a magazine. Hyde and Fez walk into
Hyde: Hey, what’s up?
Eric: So, how was cruising?
Fez: Unsettling. When a girl is in a car, you can only see her from the neck up.
Talk about the tip of the iceberg.
Hyde: So, where’s Donna?
Eric: Oh, she said she had to study.
Hyde: Huh. So everything’s cool?
Eric: (a beat. Eric puts down his magazine.) Ok. Look. I don’t know what
everyone thinks is going on, but Donna and I are not only fine, we’re great.
Everything’s finally settled, so…we’re happier than ever.
Hyde: Well, one of you is.
Eric: What is that supposed to mean?
Hyde: Look, Forman. I get what you’re trying to do. You know, you’re trying
to…lock her up. Seal the deal. And, all I’m saying is…(He clears his throat)
maybe Donna’s not that kinda girl.
Eric: (Eric pauses and thinks. Then he rises.) Ok, you don’t know as much as you
think, Hyde. So you need to just shut up. (He goes upstairs.)
Fez: Now, that man is a loof.
** ** **
(The Forman’s driveway. Donna is sitting on the car. Eric comes outside, still
momentarily upset by his conversation with Hyde, but when he sees Donna, his
expression changes into a look that says, “what was I worried about”, then he
Eric: Hey, what are you doing out here?
Donna: Um…I wanted to talk to you. (Eric sits on the car next to her.) Oh, this
is gonna be hard. Um…Eric, I love you. A lot. But, I have to give you your ring
Eric: What? Why?
Donna: Ok. How do you see the next twenty years?
Eric: I don’t know, I guess…I always figured we’d go to college together…and
Donna: Yeah, but Eric, you know that’s not what I want. I mean, I’ve told you
that. And, who knows! I may wanna go to school…back east, or maybe in Paris.
Eric: (Wanting everything to just be okay:) Ok, well, you know what, Donna?
Whatever! Ok? The important thing is that when you see yourself in Paris,
or…wherever, I’m there. Right? (Donna doesn’t respond.) Right?
Donna: I don’t know…not always…I mean, it’s not like there’s anyone else, but,
sometimes I’m…by myself. I mean, all I mean is, I don’t know! Neither of us
does! And this ring is just a stupid high school promise. If we’re meant to be
together, then…we’ll end up together!
Eric: No! The way we end up together is by saying we’ll be together and
Donna: Eric, come on! We’re together now! Isn’t that enough?
Eric: No! I mean….I mean, damn, Donna! If you can see a future for yourself
without me, and that doesn’t, like, break your heart, then, I, we’re not doing
what I thought we were doing here. And you know what? Maybe we shouldn’t be
together at all.
Donna: Wait a minute. (Long pause) Are you breaking up with me?
Eric: Well…are you giving back that ring?
Donna: (Through tears) Yes.
(Donna takes off the ring and places it on the car. Then she runs away. Eric
climbs on the car and leans back. He bangs on it with his fist and fights back
** ** **
(The alleyway. Eric is talking to Leo.)
Eric: Leo, I, I need to return this. (Holds out the ring.)
Leo: Hey, man, I only said it was gold. Not real gold.
Eric: No, it’s…Donna and I broke up.
Leo: What? What happened to the love, man?
Eric: Well, I don’t really feel like—
Leo: (Grabbing Eric) No! If you kids can’t make it, who can? Tell me! Who? Why