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323 : Script VO

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The guys walk out to the car

ERIC: Okay, guys. Road trip checklist. Car: Check. Okay. We're good.

FEZ: Is there anything about Canada we need to know before we get there?

HYDE: Well, the beer is stronger, and as a result, their women look prettier.

FEZ: Then let's haul ass to Canada!

ERIC: Okay. Shh. Fez, if my dad finds out that we're going to Canada uh, for beer, no less, he's gonna start killing people, okay? People like us. So keep it down.

KELSO (running up to them and shouting): All right! Canada! Whoo-hoo! Beer!
(he blows his air horn)

ERIC: Kelso, you're not going.

KELSO: What? Why not?

HYDE: Because this is a risky mission. You tend to screw these things up.

KELSO: Yo, that is a damnable lie!

ERIC: Okay. Kelso, remember that time we were gonna put a flaming bag of dog poop in front of Principal Pridwell's door and you lit it in the car on the way over?

KELSO: Yeah. I wanted to see it all flame-y.

ERIC: And then you panicked and stepped on it.

KELSO: Eric, it was on fire!

ERIC: Okay. You're not going.

KELSO: No, no, no. Fine. I won't use the air horn and I'll pay for the gas and the

ERIC: I can't stay mad at you. Come on, you big lug.

LEO (already in the car): Hey, dudes.

HYDE: Leo, man, what are you doin' here?

LEO: Sittin'. What are you doin' here?

HYDE: We're goin' to Canada to buy beer.

LEO: Canada? Cool, man. I spent some time up there during 'Nam.

ERIC: Oh, conscientious objector, huh?

LEO: No. I didn't mind. Hey, a road trip sounds good, man. But I don't want nothin' to do with that beer. That stuff will mess with your mind, man.

ERIC: Okay. Let's get goin'.

LEO: Oh, don't tell me Crap Shoes is comin'.

KELSO: The bag was on fire!



Donna sits on the bed, Jackie is opening her mail

JACKIE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Donna Glamourella Modeling Agency got the pictures I sent in. They want me to audition! My dream is finally coming true!

DONNA: I thought your dream was to be the world's first flying lady scientist.

JACKIE: No. No, Donna. That was a dream I had, not my dream.

DONNA: You're a weird little girl.

JACKIE: Yeah. If I become a model, I wouldn't have to work or study or think ever again!

DONNA: That's great. I mean, what's thought done for anyone anyway?

JACKIE: Nothing! But modeling has made people rich and famous (she imagines herself as a cover model) Come on, Donna! We're going to the world modeling headquarters. It's in Sheboygan.


Kitty is cutting out coupons, Red comes in with a box

RED: Guess who got a bonus today?

KITTY: Oh, my golly. They gave you a boxful of money.

RED: Better.

KITTY: Ohh. "A videocassette recorder." What's videocassette, and why do we need to record it?

RED: It records TV. You know how we don't get to see Johnny Carson?

KITTY: Well, he's on so gosh-darn late. Who can stay up past 10:30?

RED: No one, but now we can record Johnny while we sleep and then watch it the
next day.


RED: And you know how you wanted to watch the rerun of Roots?

KITTY: Mm-hmm.

RED: Well, we can tape it, and then you can watch it over and over.

KITTY: Well, I think just watching it tonight should do the trick.

RED: Well, we will watch it tonight, after we tape it.

KITTY: But we don't stay up to watch Carson. Why would we stay up to watch this?

RED: Because it's conven... Oh, you just don't understand technology! (he leaves with the box)

KITTY: No. But I sure know how to tell time.


They guys are admiring the view (of a trunk full of beer)

ERIC: Wow. What a view.

HYDE: Just like a postcard.

FEZ: It is so beautiful I could cry.

LEO: Oh, sure. Drinking looks like fun. And all the cool kids do it. But it leads you down a sad, lonely, confused path, man. You know why they call it beer?

ERIC: No. Why?

LEO: I'm just curious, man.

KELSO (coming out of the bushes): Guys, guess how many countries I've whizzed in. Two!

HYDE: All right. Let's get goin'. We're almost at the border, so everyone's got
their I.D.'s, right?


LEO: Mm-hmm.

FEZ: Oh, no. I think I lost my green card.

ERIC: Damn, Fez. Where's the last place you had it?

FEZ: If I knew that, I would have it now, you son of a bitch.

KELSO: All right, Fez. Take it easy.

FEZ: No. You take it easy. They're gonna throw me in Canadian jail. Have you
seen Midnight ExPress? Well, it's like that, but with hockey sticks.

HYDE: Great. Now we're screwed.

A little later. The guys are hiding Fez under a blanket between the cases of beer

FEZ: What if I can't breathe?

LEO: Just take a deep breath, man....And visualize yourself breathing.

HYDE: All right. Now, when we get to the checkpoint, everyone just act cool. And by everyone, I mean Mr. Crap Shoes.

KELSO: It was on fire!


Donna and Jackie walk in


MICHELLE: Hi. I'm Michelle Ray President of Glamourella International. And you must be?

JACKIE: I'm Jackie Burkhart.

MICHELLE: Jackie Burkhart. Exactly. And you are here for?

JACKIE: My audition.

MICHELLE: Your audition. Exactly. And you must be?

JACKIE: Yeah. She doesn't matter. Okay. Let's start.

MICHELLE: Okay. Let's do it.


MICHELLE: Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Let's see the hair. Well, you are a remarkable talent. Are those your real teeth?


MICHELLE: Great. Welcome to the superior world of modeling.

JACKIE: Oh, God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

MICHELLE: Sure. Now...AHEM....You're going to need to cover a few costs.

JACKIE: Of course. Oh, you know, I left my checkbook at home. Um, can I come by tomorrow?

MICHELLE: Oh, tomorrow. No. No. Tomorrow I'll be in Paris, you know, for the big show.

JACKIE: Okay. Then I'll bring it by tonight.

MICHELLE: Good. Okay. Administrative costs are 200.

JACKIE: Uh-huh.

MICHELLE: And publicity shots are 150 . And we're gonna need beauty supplies...

DONNA: Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Are you an agent or a saleslady?

MICHELLE: Oh, I'm an agent. I represent models like Cheryl Tiegs.

DONNA: You represent Cheryl Tiegs?

MICHELLE: No. Models like Cheryl Tiegs.


Red is hooking up the Betamax, Kitty is sitting on the couch

KITTY: Red, it's starting. It's starting.

RED: And press "record" and done! Ahhh. We are now recording. Two hours from now, we'll be watching Roots.

KITTY: Well, I just...I just don't see why we can't watch it now like normal people.

RED: Kitty, we have a Betamax. We're better than normal people. So, what do you wanna do for the next two hours?

KITTY: Watch Roots.

RED: Hahahaha!

KITTY: Fine. I'm gonna go make some instant pudding and you can't eat it for two hours.


They pull up to the border

HYDE: All right. Just act cool. We got nothin' to hide.

OFFICER: You got something to hide, eh?

ERIC: No, no. He said, "We've got nothing to hide."

OFFICER: Around here, we don't make a point of saying we've got nothin' to hide if we've really got nothin' to hide.

ERIC: Wow. Cultural differences. Wow.

KELSO: We're all Americans, every one of us.

OFFICER: All right. Move along.

ERIC: Thank you.

HYDE: Cool.

OFFICER: Stop right there.

He opens the trunk, and pulls away the blanket

FEZ: Hey, you found me! You win a beer.


LEO: You see, beer is evil. I'm not gonna say I told you so, man, but I will say
this: I told you so, man.

MOUNTIE 1: Beer never hurt anyone, my friend.

MOUNTIE 2: You're well within the legal limit on that. But you're over the limit on foreign kids you can smuggle out of this country.

KELSO: Well, what is the legal limit on that? We only had one foreign kid.

MOUNTIE 1: The limit is zero, you hoser.

KELSO: Damn it.

MOUNTIE 1: Hey, I'd keep a civil tongue in my head if I were you. We could throw you in jail right now. We're the Mounties; we answer to no one.

ERIC: Look, Fez just lost his green card. We just-We didn't want any trouble.

MOUNTIE 2: Lost green card? Seems a little convenient, eh?

HYDE: You got us. We're here to take over your country.

ERIC (laughing nervously): Hyde, I know it seems funny when you say stuff like that but, um, don't.

MOUNTIE 2:No one leaves until we get answers, eh?



MOUNTIE 1: What are you doin' in Canada?

LEO: What are you doin' in Canada?

HYDE: We're part of an elite, high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin.

ERIC: Uh, we just came here to get the beer, and I love Rush. "Fly by night!" Ow!

KELSO: Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?

FEZ: Me no "speakaz" English.

MOUNTIE 1: What's your business in Canada?

LEO: What's your business in Canada?

ERIC: What? Getting beer.

KELSO: Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change?

FEZ: Me no "understando."

MOUNTIE 1:  What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?

LEO: What's your reason...

MOUNTIE 1: Shut up!

HYDE: Yeah. I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.

MOUNTIE 1: Been there.

MOUNTIE 2: Done that.

ERIC: Beer. Beer. Beer!

KELSO: Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?

FEZ: Wee foobie deebie doobie.

MOUNTIE 1: Woobie deebie doobie? Woobie deebie...


Donna is trying to talk some sense into Jackie

DONNA: Jackie, can't you see? This woman is just tryin' to make money off you.

JACKIE: Donna, she deserves her cut. She discovered a remarkable talent. Donna, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.

DONNA: Jackie, I pity you because you're dumb. Administrative fees? Publicity shots? Beauty packages? It's a scam.

JACKIE: This is the most important thing that's ever happened to me, and you're
trying to ruin it.

DONNA: Look, Jackie, I'm sorry, but...

JACKIE: And to think I was gonna make you my assistant.


Jackie is writing some more checks, without Donna

MICHELLE: Our nail care package is optional, but if you're really serious...

JACKIE: Oh..Oh, I am. I am fully committed to both fame and fortune.

MICHELLE: You are going places. That'll be another $200 then. Excellent.

Donna comes in

MICHELLE: Hi, I'm Michelle Ray.

DONNA: I know. I was just here.

MICHELLE: Of course you were.

JACKIE: I told you to stay in the car, you dream killer.

DONNA: Jackie, I'm here for you. And, as a matter of fact...I've decided to be a model too.

JACKIE (laughing): Oh, Donna, you're so funny!

MICHELLE: Now Donna, you're gonna need $200 for publicity costs. And then there's administrative fees.

JACKIE: Wait, wait. You didn't even ask her to shake her hair.

MICHELLE: Oh, yeah. Shake your hair (Donna shakes her hair) You are a
remarkable talent.

JACKIE: Wait, wait, wait. What? You think Donna here can be a model? This is a scam (she rips up her check) How dare you soil the pure and noble art of modeling?

MICHELLE: I like your passion. Have you ever considered acting?

JACKIE: Oh, my God. That's my dream.

DONNA:  We're going.



Red is looking at his watch, Kitty is lying on the couch under a blanket

RED: And... time! (he stops the recorder) Let's watch Roots.

KITTY: Oh, Red, I'm sleepy. Can we watch it in the morning?

RED: In the morning? But I just taped it.

KITTY: Well, I know, but I thought the whole point was we can watch it whenever
we want.

RED: But I just taped it.

KITTY: Fine. Let's watch it now.

RED: Great. Now, I just punch "play," and, voilà- Roots (nothing happens)

KITTY: Where's Roots, Red?

RED: Oh, that's right. I forgot to rewind the tape. The tape.


RED: It's complicated.

KITTY: Good night, Red (she leaves)

RED: Damn! I should've got the microwave.


Donna and Jackie are sitting on Jackie's bed

JACKIE: Thanks for looking out for me.

DONNA: Sure.

JACKIE: And I've thought about it, and you could be a model. Hmm (she imagines Donna on the cover of magazines called Grease Monkey, Field Stream and Modern Lumberjack)

DONNA: Thanks, Jackie. That's nice.


They are still being questioned

MOUNTIE 2: You guys are in real trouble if you did what we think you did.

ERIC: What do you think we did?

MOUNTIE 1: What do you think we think you did?

HYDE: What do you think we think you think we did?

MOUNTIE 2: Something involving a foreign kid in the back of a car. That much is for sure.

MOUNTIE 1: And now we're gonna get some answers.

HYDE: What are you gonna do? Torture us?

KELSO: Yeah. You gonna make us listen to Anne Murray records?

MOUNTIE 2:Hey, she's a wonderful Performer, and you're not funny.

MOUNTIE 1: No. I think what we're gonna do is call your parents.

FEZ: Oh, Red is going to kill you. I mean- obie deebie doobie.

KELSO: No! We had to smuggle Fez. It was the only way for him to see this great
country... with its spacious skies and fruited waves of... plain. And (sings)... Oh, Canada....Our home and native land....

MOUNTIE 1: Nice try, kid.

ERIC & KELSO (singing): True patriot love ...In all thy sons' command

MOUNTIE 2:It's not gonna work.

ERIC, KELSO, HYDE & FEZ (singing): With glowing hearts...We see thee rise the
true north strong as...

They falter, then Leo joins in

ALL (singing): From far and wide.....Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee....
(now both Mounties join in) God keep our land.... Glorious and free.....Oh, Canada....We stand on guard for thee....Oh, Canada.....We stand on guard for thee

MOUNTIE 1: You sure are good kids.

LEO: Thanks, man.

MOUNTIE 2: You know, there must be some way to put this all behind us.

MOUNTIE 1: Yeah, but there's not.

KELSO: We'll give you our beer.

MOUNTIE 1: Oh, God bless you, son.

FEZ: My green card. I hid it in my right shoe for safekeeping. I even made up a rhyme so I would remember. My green card in my right shoe, something, something right shoe

ERIC: So, see, it was just a big misunderstanding.

HYDE: Thank God we got that cleared up. We're just gonna grab our beer and
head on out of here.

MOUNTIE 2: Yeah. But you're not gettin' your beer back. Now... leave Canada, please.

They all walk out, except for Leo

LEO: You leave Canada, please.

MOUNTIES: Get...! (they close the door behind him)

MOUNTIE 1: Filthy hippie.



Eric, Fez and Kelso are in the circle

FEZ: Guys, I have to admit something. I love Anne Murray. She puts me in the mood.

ERIC: So, guys, next time, instead of goin' to Canada let's just stay here and pretend we're in Canada. So, how's it goin', eh?

KELSO: Hey, you know, if Fonzie ever played a Mountie on Happy Days he could go, "Aay, eh?"


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