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(Donna’s room. She is writing in her journal and Eric comes in.)
Eric: What are you doing?
Donna: Oh, just writing in my journal.
Eric: You mean, like in Star Trek? (He jumps on her bed. He starts talking as if
he’s one of the characters from Star Trek.) Captain’s Log…Star date-1978…. god….
I’m…so hot. My beautiful red hair…and giant jugs…seem to…. attract all life
Donna: Oh my god, Eric, that was exactly what I was writing!
(He makes a face as if say, “no way!”)
Donna: (gets up off her bed and puts her journal on her counter. She starts to
leave.) I’ll go make us some popcorn and get us some sodas.
Eric: (still in captain mode.) My…beautifully sculpted hind corners…. flounce
Donna: Shut up!
(Donna leaves to go downstairs. All of sudden Eric starts to hear Donna’s
journal talking to him.)
Journal: Erriiccc. Errriiccc.
Eric: (Slightly confused:) Yes…Donna’s…journal?
Journal: I am the book of secrets, Eric. Don’t you want to know what she really
thinks of you? Read me. READ ME!
Eric: You know, I really shouldn’t…
Journal: Suit yourself. (The journal starts singing to itself.) Ladahdee,
(Eric finally caves and grabs the journal.) Journal: But beware; what you learn
in here cannot be unlearned.
Eric: Okay, do you want me to read you or not?
(He sits back down on the bed and opens it up. Donna’s voice is narrating.)
Donna’s Voice: “Eric and I went to 2nd base tonight. He was hilarious.”
(Eric makes a face, not too pleased with this news, and moves on to another
Donna’s Voice: “The prom is going to be magical, I think I’m finally going to
sleep with Eric.”
(Eric rolls his eyes and moves on to another page.)
Donna’s Voice: “…which is like Woodstock, but for vans. Anyway, I think I’m
finally going to sleep with Eric.”
(Getting discouraged. He could have had Donna on all these occasions? God...he
moves onto another page.)
Donna’s Voice: “I love him so much. I think I’m finally going to sleep with
Eric: Okay, let’s just skip to the last page.
Donna’s Voice: “I had the weirdest dream about Eric last night. He was Eric, but
he was also Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. He looked all wicked and dangerous.”
Eric: Yeah! Wicked and Dangerous!
Donna’s Voice: “…which is totally not Eric. Sometimes, I wish he were like
Journal: Quick! Put me down! Someone is coming!
(Eric quickly puts the journal back and sits back down on the bed, only to get
right back up again when Donna comes back in. He looks really really guilty.)
Eric: Hi! Hello! How are you?! I didn’t do anything! You look pretty!
(He takes a soda from Donna and starts drinking it.)
(“That 70’s Show” theme song plays.)
** ** **
(Donna’s room, right where we left off. Eric is shoving his face with popcorn
and drinking soda. Donna is standing there, staring at him.)
Eric: Hey! Glad you’re back! I missed you so!
Donna: Did you read my journal?
Eric: What journal?
Donna: You know, my, “Captain’s log?”
Eric: No! (He looks at the journal on the counter.) Oh! No! (He starts walking
around the room trying to find a good excuse.) I was uh…I was…looking through
your underwear drawer. Yeah, I know, that’s why I look so guilty. Because, you
know, I was uh, taking out your underwear and stroking it against my skin. I
can’t stay away from your underwear, that’s my curse. So anyway, see you
tomorrow. (He leaves quickly.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s basement. Jackie and Kelso are there. Kelso is asleep on top of
Jackie, and Jackie is watching TV.)
Jackie: (talking to the TV:) GONG HIM! GONG HIM!
Kelso: (talking in his sleep.) This isn’t going to work Jackie…
Jackie: What Michael?
Kelso: This isn’t going to work Jackie…
Jackie: (Hoping to find out some sort of information from his unconscious mind:)
What? What isn’t going to work?
Kelso: I’m sorry Jackie, but I-
(Before Kelso can finish, Fez comes barging into the basement yelling.)
Fez: They’re here! They’re here! (He’s carrying a small package.)
Kelso: (standing up quickly.) What? What’s here?
Jackie: Oh my god, Michael! What’d you say?
Kelso: What? I said what!
Fez: My x-ray specs are here. According to the ad in the “Ritchie Rich” comic,
with these, you can see through ladies clothes. (He opens the box and takes the
specs out.) Okay Jackie, prepare to be ogled. (He puts them on and stares at
Jackie, who stares back at him with a face that says, “You’re a gullible dork.”
Then his faces slowly drops when he realizes he was gypped.) Ah, swindled again.
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Kitty is baking and Red comes in through the sliding door
shaking his hand.)
Red: Kitty? Where are the band-aids? I cut myself with the hacksaw.
Kitty: Red, you know those things are dangerous. (She goes over to the drawer
and gets and band-aid to put on Red.)
Red: Well, I tried cutting the metal pipe with a flower, but it was real slow
Kitty: Well, seeing as how you’re being all snarky anyways, Pastor Dave is
coming over for dinner.
Red: Not tonight! They’re doing a Packer report tonight! It’s a tribute to Vince
Kitty: Red, you know I’m trying to get more involved with the church, so he is
Red: But if Pastor Dave comes over for dinner tonight we’ll never get rid of
him. He’ll just go on and on about how great…God is.
Kitty: Well, he is!
** ** **
(Donna’s room. Jackie and Donna are talking. Jackie is complaining about what
Michael said in his sleep.)
Jackie: He said, “Jackie this isn’t going to work.” What if Michael secretly
wants to break up with me? I need to get him to sleep again! What if his
subconscious mind known something his conscious mind doesn’t?!
Donna: Well, let’s hope so Jackie.
Jackie: Well, at least he’s not as boring as Eric!
Donna: We’re not talking about Eric; we’re talking about Kelso. Untrustworthy,
two-timing, sneaks around behind your back and reads your journal Kelso!
Jackie: Okay, Donna, I’m sensing we’re not talking about me and Michael anymore.
(a beat.) Bye! (She tries to get up but Donna grabs her and pinches her.)
Jackie: OWW! Don’t pinch me, you lumberjack!
Donna: Jackie, I think Eric read my private journal!
Jackie: Oh, is this about the dream where you wished Eric was Steven Tyler?
(Donna gets an annoyed look on her face.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s dining room. Pastor Dave is eating with Kitty and Red.)
Pastor Dave: Hey, you know who I really love?
Pastor Dave: Yes, but I was going to say…Vince Lombardi.
Red: (Astonished:) You’re a Packer man?
Pastor Dave: Are you kidding? I bleed cheese!
Red: Well, I’m not sure, but I think there may be a Packer report on tonight.
Pastor Dave: Why Red, I think you may be right. I think it could start in…. 8 ½
Red: Whadaya say we choke our dinners down, and get our asses on the couch?
Pastor Dave: Amen to that!
Kitty: (annoyed.) Red, will you help me in the kitchen please? (Red continues to
eat.) Right now, please!
(Red gets up and pats Pastor Dave on the shoulder as he follows Kitty into the
kitchen.) Kitty: Red, this night is not about football. This night is about
Red: But he wants to watch the Packer report. Kitty, the man spends his life
doing the lord’s work. You would deny that man this simple pleasure? Well, God
have mercy on your soul.
Kitty: Can it, Red, bring him his food. (She hands him a plate of food and he
runs back to the table.)
Red: You got six minutes!
(Red takes his old plate and shoves the new one in his face.)
Pastor Dave: I’m eating! I’m eating!
(Red runs back to the kitchen and hands Kitty Dave’s old plate. She notices his
band-aid is gone.)
Kitty: Red, where is your band-aid?
Red: Oh, I don’t know. I had it on a second ago. Must have come of when I was
(They both run back to the dinner table. They see Pastor Dave finishing off his
plate.) Pastor Dave: (Holding up his hands like a ref signaling a goal:) Done!
(Kitty starts fanning herself.)
** ** **
(Leo’s house. Eric, Leo, Fez, and Hyde, are sitting on the floor of his living
room drinking Saki.)
Eric: Hey, Leo, thanks for letting us hang out here. I just-I just didn’t want
to see Donna after what she wrote-
Hyde: Forman, no one cares.
Leo: That’s true man. You boys know I don’t allow alcohol in my house. So you’ll
just have to drink Saki instead.
Fez: (wearing his x-ray specs.) “Saki” it to me, Leo!
Hyde: Fez! Don’t start with the “Saki” jokes.
Fez: Oh put a “Saki” in it.
Eric: Well, this would be fun if I wasn’t so miserable.
Hyde: Forman, we’re lucky to be sitting here, drinking these allegedly alcoholic
drinks, but no one wants to hear you bitch about Donna all day.
Eric: Don’t worry about it Hyde, I don’t feel like talking about Donna all day.
(We see the shot glasses on the table, signifying five drinks later.)
Eric: Ya see, the thing about Donna is…
Hyde: Here we go.
Eric: She acts like everything is all cool, ok? And then, all of a sudden, I’m
no Steven Tyler!
Fez: Oh Eric, give it up for heaven’s “Saki.”
Leo: You’re still the king, man!
Eric: Man, I thought we were past the phase where we had to impress each other.
Hyde: You are. Now you’re in the “She dumps you for a biker with a wicked
tattoo,” phase. The most entertaining of all phases.
Eric: Oh my god, Hyde. Oh my god, that’s it! (He stands up.) A tattoo is
dangerous! There’s a place next to the liquor store! I could go get one right
Leo: No way man! (Leo stands up. Eric, who is clearly very drunk, sees three
Leo’s moving around in swirls. He rolls his eyes to try to see clearer.) We’re
not going to let you go to a sleazy tattoo parlor and spend money on something
that you’ll regret for the rest of your life. I’ll tattoo you for free, man! I’m
pretty sure I used to do this for a living.
** ** **
(Leo’s living room again. Eric is leaning against Leo’s TV with his pants down.
Leo is behind him tattooing something. Hyde and Fez are holding Eric’s hands.)
Eric: (very drunk) How cool am I? Tattooing my girlfriend’s name. How’s that for
Leo: I think Debbie is really going to like this.
Eric: (nodding.) Wait, Debbie? No, Donna!
Leo: Right. No problem…. I can fix it.
Eric: Wait, fix what?
Leo: Relax, Debbie will never notice.
Eric: It’s Donna! (He tries to turn around to see.)
Leo: See, now you moved, man! It’s okay; I can make that into a flower.
Fez: You know what you should get? Boobs. Big boobs on your butt.
Hyde: That’s classy.
Leo: Hey, I can turn the B’s into boobs.
Eric: Wait, what B’s?!
Leo: Like in your girlfriend Debbie?
Eric: It’s DONNA!
Leo: Oh, right. Oh, I can fix that.
** ** **
(Jackie’s room. She is in a nightgown combing her hair. Michael comes in.)
Kelso: Hey Jackie.
Jackie: Hey Michael. I’m really glad you’re here. (She pretends she’s tired and
yawns.) Ok! Time to go to sleep! (She pulls Michael over to the bed.)
Kelso: Whoa, I thought we were gonna do it.
Jackie: Michael, I invited you over for a sleepover, not a do it-over. OK, I
told you. We’re gonna wait until we’re ready. So, go to sleep!
Kelso: No, but Jackie, I’m not tired. But, I always get tired after we do it.
Jackie: Yeah, you don’t have to tell me Michael. Oh! I know! We’ll read out
loud! (She goes over and grabs a book off her desk.) I’ll be Nancy Drew, and you
can be her pudgy friend, Bess.
Kelso: Oh, dammit, Jackie! I’m always Bess!
** ** **
(The Forman’s living room. Red is showing Pastor Dave a football play with
peanuts. Kitty is sitting there bored.)
Red: Then Nixdorf finds Bower, and they find Dower, and throw him the ball and
they got the winning touch down!
Pastor Dave: Wow! On TV it was so confusing, but with peanuts, it’s all so
Kitty: Red, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute please?
Red: Yeah, sure, one second. Now you set them up again and I’ll show you how the
Packers won the Icebowl.
Pastor Dave: Oh boy! (He starts setting up the peanuts again. Kitty and Red go
into the kitchen.)
Kitty: Red, don’t you think it’s time for your little friend to go home?
Red: Kitty, I’m just being sociable like you asked. Just being a good host.
Kitty: Oh sure, all good hosts feed their guests band-aids.
Red: It was band-aid! Don’t exaggerate.
(They hear moaning coming from the living room. When they go check it out, they
see Pastor Dave curled up on the couch.)
Pastor Dave: Hospital…please.
** ** **
(Jackie’s bedroom. Jackie is finishing her Nancy Drew story. She and Kelso are
both under the covers in her bed.)
Jackie: And she and Bess left the police station, and went to celebrate the
solving of the crime with hot fudge sundaes. (She closes the book.) The end.
Kelso: Wow, Nancy is so smart. Read another one.
Jackie: Sure! Ok, Nancy Drew and the Mysterious Charming Clock…
(Time passes. Kelso is asleep and Jackie is finishing the story.)
Jackie: And they celebrated the solving of the mystery with hot fudge sundaes.
Well, guess we solved the mystery of why Bess was so pudgy.
(Jackie, noticing Kelso is asleep, waits for him to start talking.)
Kelso: This isn’t going to work Jackie…
Jackie: What isn’t going to work?
Kelso: (seeing Jackie staring at him.) I can’t sleep with you staring at me!
(Jackie quickly turns her head away.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s basement. Eric is sleeping on the basement couch. He’s in his
boxers and button down top. He’s holding a bag of ice on his ass. He starts
dreaming. In his dream, he is Steven Tyler. He breaks down Donna’s door, where
she’s writing in her journal. He starts lip-synching to “Walk this Way”. He
dances around as if he were Steven Tyler, but he really just looks like Eric
with a wig on. At the end he kicks up and the lights go on. Donna jumps up and
Donna: Eric! How’d you get so hot?
Eric: I got a tattoo.
(Donna rips out a page in her journal and writes, “Eric, is perfect.”)
(He wakes up.)
Eric: Oh yeah! Ow. (He rubs his head.) Ow. (He looks at his ass.) Oh yeah!
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen, later that night. Pastor Dave is there sitting with Kitty
Pastor Dave: So are you trying to tell me you fed me a band-aid?
Kitty: Well, to be honest…Red fed you the band-aid.
Pastor Dave: How did this happen?
Kitty: Read, why don’t you diagram it for him with peanuts?
Red: Look Dave, I’m real sorry. I didn’t realize how sick a band-aid would make
Pastor Dave: Well, thank you for your belated honesty. But the doctor said I had
food poisoning from an under-cooked sausage.
Red: Food poisoning? Why, that’s Kitty’s department.
Kitty: I have never under cooked a sausage...in my life...I have a system, it’s
Red: (VERY smugly:) Kitty, we all make mistakes.
Kitty: I...gr…Vince Lombardi is over rated! That’s right! He is over rated!
Red: Ignore her! She’s hysterical!
** ** **
(Jackie’s room. Michael is asleep again and she’s waiting for him to talk.)
Kelso: This isn’t going to work, Jackie.
Jackie: What’s not going to work? Are we not going to work, Michael?
Kelso: No. The car. The carborator is busted.
Jackie: This was all over a stupid car?
Kelso: We’re all gonna have to take the bus to our wedding.
Jackie: Our wedding? Oh Michael, that is so sweet! I love you Michael Kelso.
Kelso: I love you, Jackie Arnasas.
(Jackie’s eyes get all wide and she becomes insulted.)
** ** **
(Donna’s house. Eric is in her hall. Wishing to reenact his dream, he kicks her
door, but falls down flat on his ass. There is a big footprint on her door.
Donna comes out and notices the footprint.)
Donna: Eric! What the hell? Did you just kick my door?
Eric: (stunned, but gets up.) No! But I got a surprise. (He starts unbuckling
his belt.) I got a tattoo…guess where…on my butt.
Eric: Why? Cause I’m dangerous, lady!
Donna: (she walks over to her dresser and picks up her journal.) Eric, I want
you to be honest with me, and I promise I won’t get mad. Did you read my
Eric: (thinking it would be easy.) Um…yeah!
Donna: YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DILHOLE! (She hits him with the journal.)
Eric: No! You know who’s sneaky? People who go around…writing their feelings
down instead of telling their boyfriends what they really feel. So you know
what? I’m not sorry…(Sees Donna’s face. The ever powerful woman stares him
down.) I’m SO SORRY!
Donna: Fine, you wanna know how I feel? I’ll tell you how I feel. (She opens her
journal to a random page.) “Today at lunch I was looking at Eric when he didn’t
even know it. And I just couldn’t believe how much I love him and how lucky I am
to be with him.” Why couldn’t you read that page?
Eric: Because…you came back?
(Donna rolls her eyes and shuts the book.)
Eric: Look Donna, look, I’m really sorry, but sometimes I just get…worried, you
Donna: Well, suck it up! Eric, these are my private thoughts and I’m allowed to
have them. You have to stop trying to be what you think I want you to be and
just, like…be yourself.
Eric: Okay, I think I’m gonna go now.
Donna: Well, wait. Take off your pants.
Eric: Really?! All right!
Donna: No! (Laughing.) To show me your tattoo.
Eric: I knew that!
Eric: I think you’re really going to like it. (He takes off his pants. Leaving
his boxers on.) But just don’t get mad if it says…Debbie. (He pulls his boxers
down a little showing a section of his butt.)
Eric: It says Woodstock?
Donna: No, it’s a picture of Snoopy’s friend, Woodstock. You have a little
yellow bird on your ass! (She starts laughing and he pulls his boxers back up.)