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319 : Script VO

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The guys are watching an x-rated movie

FEZ: Oh, my first X-rated movie. I don't know what's going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever.

HYDE: Yeah, I'll say. There's at least nine boobs in this shot alone.

KELSO: Guys, I feel bad. I mean, Jackie finally takes me back and I reward her by sneaking off to see some trashy porno babes....Oh, wow! That seems like it would tickle.

FEZ: Oh, nothing's going to happen in this scene. It's just two ladies.....Oh, bravo, nice plot twist.

KELSO: All right, guys, I gotta go. I don't think Jackie would like me being here.

FEZ: And you should pick up your dress on the way out.

ERIC: Oh, wow! Does everyone do that? Because I don't do that. I just stick to two or three key moves and... God, they don't even come close to that.

FEZ: Oh, Eric, I have not done anything but even I, had I done anything, would have already done that.



Kelso is talking to Jackie

KELSO: Jackie, you know I love you and you know how much I've changed, right?

JACKIE: Yeah? Oh, what'd you do?

KELSO: I went to a stag film. But then it turned out that there weren't any stags at all. It was just naked people having sex. Go ahead and punish me.

JACKIE: No, Michael, I'm not gonna punish you. You were honest with me, and honesty should be rewarded.

KELSO: Wow. I'm not in trouble and I get a reward? Is it a cash reward?

JACKIE: No, Michael, the reward is feeling better about yourself.



Red comes in, Kitty is making a meringue

RED: Mom, smells good. Watch making?

KITTY: Oh, a little lemon meringue and pot roast and my sister Paula is coming and seven-layer salad.

RED: Ash. Seven-lay... Hey, wait a second.

KITTY: Red, now please, be nice. We haven't seen her in almost six years.

RED: Yeah, not since she got arrested.

KITTY: No, not arrested, detained.

RED: She showed up in the backseat of a police car with lights flashing. I had to tell the neighbors that she was the mayor of Cincinnati.

Car horn

KITTY: Oh, there she is.

RED: You wait. She's gonna hit me up for money like she always does.


Red and Kitty walk out, a pink car pulls up and crashes into something

RED: That's gonna cost me.

KITTY: Oh, my God!

PAULA: Kitty!

KITTY: Oh, my God! Look at you!

PAULA: I know, I know, I'm fabulous. Look, huh, at me.

KITTY: Oh, my God. You're wearing stockings. Red, she's wearing stockings. Oh, oh, and matching shoes!

PAULA: Oh, come on, Red. I know you're dying for a nibble.

RED: Paula, you're so pink.

PAULA: Oh, well, sure, sure. I gotta match my brand-new car. Go ahead, pet her.

KITTY: Well, ooh, ooh, I want to pet her too.

RED: Why did you paint it with Pepto-Bismol?

PAULA: It's not Pepto-Bismol. It's Luscious Blushes. And only the top Kathy May
salesperson gets one of these babies.

RED: So you stole it from her?

PAULA: I have all the money that I owe you. Here it is.

KITTY: Oh, my God. You have cash. Red, she has cash. Honey, Red, Red, Red, really, you don't have to count it.

RED: Oh, well, of course. You're family (he turns his back to them and keeps counting it)

PAULA: Oh, honey, honey, honey! (she hugs Kitty again)


Kelso, Eric, Hyde and Fez are in the circle

KELSO: Honesty's cool, man. It's like I can do anything wrong and then ask for forgiveness, and then I'm good again. I mean, someone should invent a religion like that.

ERIC: Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, they were way, way above average?

HYDE: Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.

FEZ: What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.

KELSO: See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, is from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything.

FEZ: Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants.

HYDE: Kelso, this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie, and I'll help you. 'Cause all's I really want is for you to be happy.

ERIC: Hey, you guys, honestly you don't think Donna's, you know, bored, right?
'Cause those guys in the movie, they didn't do the same move twice. And I've done the same move, like... always.

KELSO: I'll bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they're like
doctors at doing it.

KITTY (from upstairs): Eric, dinner.

ERIC: Oh, no. Now I have to act normal. But I get to eat, yeah!


Red, Paula, Kitty and Eric are having dinner. Eric is talking really loud and he keeps shoving bread into his mouth

ERIC: Aunt Paula, you look great.


ERIC: And so pink.

PAULA: Oh, Eric, you're so cute. Here's 20 bucks.

ERIC: Aunt Paula is awesome!

KITTY: So, Paula, tell me more about the ship captain.

PAULA: Oh, that was just a fling, you know.

RED: Didn't you have a fiancé the last time we saw you?

KITTY: Red, now there is no reason to rehash ancient history, is there?

PAULA: No, it's okay. It turned out he lived on some sort of commune where everyone called him God. And there were... there were guns. And I really could never figure out why God would need a gun. But there were some fun parties.

ERIC: That's hilarious!

PAULA: Life has gotten so much better since I moved to Indianapolis. I mean, things move so much faster in the big city. One day you're wondering if you'll ever find happiness and the next, you're waving the starting flag at the Indy 500.

RED: You waved the Indy flag?

PAULA: Mm-hmm.

ERIC: Oh, God, you're the coolest. Mom, how funny is it that while Aunt Paula was at Indy you were probably at, like, Price Mart.

KITTY: Ooh, ooh, ooh, who wants pie? It's meringue.

PAULA: Well, enough about me. Kitty, dear, what have you been up to?

KITTY: Well, you know, it's funny you should ask because we have been super, super busy.

ERIC: Oh, no, she quit her job. She's not up to anything. It's kind of boring. So, did you meet Dick Trickle?

KITTY: Eric!

ERIC: What? He's a race car driver. His name is Dick Trickle. Oh, my God, listen to my voice! I'm so loud!


Kitty is flipping through her yearbook, Red is counting the money Paula gave him

KITTY: Oh, well, will you look at this? Here's me, captain of the cheerleaders. "Most likely to succeed." "Best laugh." Haha. Oh, here's Paula.

RED: What's that on her cheek?

KITTY: Oh, she had a little sledding accident with her face that year.

RED: Typical.

KITTY: I know. Things were so different then.


Highschool prom

GIRL: Kitty, oh! You so deserve this. You're the best.

KITTY: Oh, aren't you sweet? Ahahahaha!

BOY: Boy, oh, boy, Chet sure is lucky. He's got the keenest girl in school.

KITTY: Oh, stop!

PAULA: Congratulations, Kitty.

KITTY: Thanks, Paula.

PAULA: I knew you'd win. You always do.

KITTY: No, not always.

CHET: Well, I want a kiss from the queen.

KITTY: Well, Chet, you have been an awfully loyal subject.

PAULA: You guys, I'd like you to meet my date, Marvin. Marvin? Sweetie? Sweetie?

Marvin is busy kissing another girl

PAULA: Okay...

KITTY: Okay....


KITTY: And now, I'm a housewife and she goes on cruises with Dick Trickle.

RED: You don't know what she's not telling you. I mean, just because she's more successful than you doesn't mean that she's happy.

KITTY: More successful?

RED: Well, it's just that she has so many...And she's...she's very...(chuckles) Look, money.


Donna and Eric are making out

DONNA: I love it when you do that.

ERIC: Good to know. Good to know. And how about when I do this?

The camera pans toward GI-Joe...silence for a while...unitl

DONNA: Geez, Eric, what the hell?

ERIC: Okay, okay, I'll just go back up to the ear.

DONNA: Get away from me, you pig! Where are my pants?

ERIC: Wait. Wait, it was an accident (Donna runs off)  Look, I have a feather.


Donna is talking to Jackie

JACKIE (after Donna whispers something in her ear): He did? What the heck for?

DONNA: I don't know. In like what universe is that sexy?

JACKIE: Only one... the skinny, pervert universe.

DONNA: It was just so strange. I mean, usually he just sticks to, like, two or three key moves.

JACKIE: You know, I bet it's because of that nudie flick they saw yesterday.

DONNA: They went to an X-rated movie?

JACKIE: Didn't Eric tell you?

DONNA: No. God, why would Eric go see something like that? I mean, is our sex life so boring that he has to sneak around and watch other people do it?

JACKIE: Donna, of course it is. It's okay.


Paula is baking, Kitty comes in

KITTY: So, um, what's going on here? Ahaha. Packing a picnic lunch for your next African safari?

PAULA: No, I thought I'd make my strudel for the boys. It feels nice having people to cook for.

KITTY: Huh. Well, um...Sounds like your, uh... jet-set life gets pretty lonely, huh?

PAULA: Oh, no, I have lots of friends.

KITTY: Oh, right, right. But, um, all the friends in the world don't make up for having to come home from the Bahamas to an empty house, do they?

PAULA: I actually enjoy my privacy.

KITTY: Hmm, privacy....loneliness. It's a fine line, isn't it?

PAULA: Okay, Kitty, is something wrong?

KITTY: Yeah, something is wrong. Why are you here?

PAULA: Because I missed you. And I wanted you to see that I'm finally okay.

KITTY: Okay or better than me?

PAULA: Better than you? Oh, Kitty, you're my sister and...Okay fine. I'm finally a success, and I wanted to come back and rub your face in it. And I did, and I liked it!

KITTY: Well, good for you. It must have been hard living in my shadow, because I was popular and you weren't. And I had a life and you didn't. That's right. I said it. You heard me. You were a schlub. A schlub!

They both laugh

KITTY: Oh, I am so sorry.

PAULA: Oh, I'm sorry too.

KITTY: Oh, I just- I don't know what is the matter with me.

PAULA: I know.

KITTY: I should be just thrilled that you're finally on your feet, and instead,, I'm just.... I'm acting like a jealous little ninny.

PAULA: Kitty, would you like a makeover?

KITTY: Oh, I really would.

PAULA: Okay.

KITTY: I-I won't look like a whore, will I?

PAULA: No, no, I promise.


Hyde, Jackie and Fez are listening to Kelso

KELSO: Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.

JACKIE: Okay. Why are they here?

KELSO: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch. So, anyway, I made a list.

HYDE: The list was my idea.

KELSO: Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big boy diaper. And that time you came out of the shower, and you thought you saw a flash? I did take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth? And you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way. When we were about to fool around, and I said that I washed my hands? But really I just got done playing with like six dogs. But that's not as bad...

JACKIE: All right, Michael, stop! Okay, Michael, I think we need to work on selective honesty.

FEZ: Yes, that and basic hygiene. Seriously, good God, man.

JACKIE: Okay, Michael unless one of your secrets involves kissing a girl, I don't need to know about it.

KELSO: Okay. All right. Oh, science fact. Dogs are cleaner than humans.


Red is standing near Paula's car

RED: Oh, you poor pink bastard (Kitty walks out, all made over) Well, well! What have we here? All right. I got 20 minutes till my wife comes back so, uh, pucker up (they kiss)

PAULA: Okay, you two lovebirds. I'm off. Oh, bye-bye, Red. Oh!

KITTY: Oh, Paula, thank you so much.

PAULA: Oh, oh, Kitty. What are sisters for, huh? I'll talk to you in a couple of days. And you remember what I said: "Cherchez la vie pour vivre la vie!"

KITTY: Oui, oui, ma soeur.

Paula drives off

RED: So what's with all the French? Did she call me something?

KITTY: No. She said, "Search for life to live life," which is my new motto. Paula made me see that I have been in a rut. But the good news is, from now on, I am just going to explore life.

RED: But you're... You're all pretty now with your big red lips. Isn't that enough?

KITTY: Oh, I love you, Red Forman. And no.

RED: All right, fine. But if you paint my car pink, it's over.


Eric is examining his nose in the mirror, Donna comes in

ERIC: Oh, hey, I was just looking at... Hey!

DONNA: Okay, where did you get the idea to...(she closes the door) do what you did?

ERIC: I went to see this movie and it was a... Well, I guess you could call it an art film.

DONNA: Eric!

ERIC: Okay, fine, Donna. It was an X-rated film. And it just... There were all these people and they were doing all these things that we've never done. And it seemed like they really enjoyed doing this one thing especially. And I just thought, you know, who would enjoy doing that one thing especially? My lady.

DONNA: Eric, listen to me because this is gosh-darn important. You don't do that, not without asking.

ERIC: So, if I had asked...

DONNA: The answer's still no! Eric, are you bored with our sex life?

ERIC: Oh, God, no. Just the opposite. I figured that you had to be bored. And it
was our hundredth time, and I just wanted to do something special.

DONNA: Oh, my God, you count?


DONNA: Oh, my God, that's so sweet. But do me a favor. Next time you're gonna do something weird gimme a little more warning, so I can brace myself. Or tell you to back the hell off.

ERIC: Right.

DONNA: Because no matter how much I love you that was unpleasant.



Kelso is talking to a bunch of dogs

KELSO: I'm sorry, you guys. I can't hang out. I gotta go meet Jackie ( dogs whine) Don't look at me like that. All right, five more minutes, but that is it (he gets on all fours) Come on. Who wants to show me their belly, huh? Come on. Come here, buddy! (he barks)  Come here, baby. Who's my little baby, huh? Who's my little baby?


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Salut Profilage comment ça va?

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