Eric, Donna, Bob and Red are eating at Fatso Burger. Bob takes Red's soda
RED: Bob. That's my soda.
BOB: But I drank all mine.
RED: Keep it (he takes Eric's soda)
ERIC: Hey, that's my soda.
RED: Life is unfair.
BOB: Oh, swell. It's Max from the radio station. His ad rates bled me dry. Well I got nothin' to say to him (Max comes in) Hiya, Max! (he gets up and shakes his hand)
MAX: Oh, Bargain Bob! Hey, I'm sorry you lost the store, man.
BOB: Sorry? I lost it by choice. Yep, I'm doing great. Got the large fries, you know.
MAX: Large fries. That's great. I'll see you.
BOB: Hey, uh, speaking of fries, you got any jobs down at the radio station?
MAX: Oh, not for a guy like you. I'm currently looking for an office girl... but usually my office girls are... girls.
DONNA (jumping up): Hi. I'm Donna. The girl.
MAX: Okay, Donna! Listen, drop by the station and we'll see what we can do (he gives her his card)
DONNA: Sure. Thanks!
BOB: I could have been an office girl.
RED (taking a bite): Aw, that does it. This tastes like crap!
RICKY: May I help you, sir?
RED: Yeah. I wanna compliment you on one tasty, fried piece of shoe.
RICKY: Let me take care of this right now. Earl!
RED: Oh, no. Did you say Earl?
RICKY: Just one second.
EARL: Ricky, I'm glad you called me. I need to leave early for a...Oh. Hi, Red.
RICKY: You two know each other?
EARL: I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.
RICKY: Oh. Then he and I have something in common. You're fired!
EARL: What did I do?
RED: Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you.
The gang are listening to a record, and playing air-instruments
JACKIE: Fez? What instrument's that?
DONNA (coming in): Eric, I got a job! I'm sorting records at Jerry Thunder's radio
KELSO: No way! WFPP? That's Jerry Thunder! (imitates announcer) The Sound!
DONNA: And he knows rock stars. And he gets free concert tickets. And he gave
me this guitar pick from Foghat.
KELSO: No way!
DONNA: Eric, there's a whole pile of bumper stickers, and they're free!
KELSO: No way!
DONNA: Okay, well, I gotta go. I gotta go alphabetize the eight-tracks.
KELSO: No way!
The gang are in Leo's garage
HYDE: Leo, man, this place is a mess.
LEO: Yeah? You should see my garage.
HYDE: This is your garage, man.
LEO: Well, then you see what I mean. It's a mess.
FEZ: National Geographic is a beautiful magazine. There is volcanoes and a
gazelle. And naked...
HYDE: Leo, man, there's a car in here. It's an El Camino.!
LEO: Wow. Do you think it's mine?
KELSO: The plate says "Leo's."
LEO: No, I mean the car, man. This guy, huh?
Donna is getting the tour
MAX: And this is where we do the interviews. A lot of rock legends have puked in
this room. Good times.
DONNA: Wow. So, if I stay here long enough, I might see a rock star throw up?
MAX: See it? You'll probably clean it up.
DONNA: All right!
She looks up
JERRY: Oh, yeah, this is Jerry Thunder (thunderclap) Coming to you on The
Sound! And it looks like we got a new office girl. What's your name, baby?
DONNA (in the mike): Um, Donna.
JERRY: Mmm. Well, Donna, you are hot. So I'm gonna call you... Hot Donna.
JERRY: You got yourself a boyfriend, Hot Donna?
Max is nodding no
DONNA: Um... no.
JERRY: Mmm.! That is good news, fellas. 'Cause Hot Donna is... hot!
DONNA: Uhm Max, why'd you make me say that? 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
MAX: Fine. You have a boyfriend. So does Elton John.
DONNA: No way!
MAX: Yeah! They're a fantastic couple. I love 'em. The point is... we're selling an image here... and an available Hot Donna is good for ratings.
DONNA: Oh. Well, what the hell. Eric won't have a problem with this.
Eric is upset...
ERIC: What the hell? I have a problem with this!
FEZ: Maybe she dumped you and forgot to tell you (looks in his NG magazine)
Oh, my God. Thank you, Nairobi (he rips a piece out of it)
HYDE: Look, Forman, I wouldn't read too much into this. Donna probably just said she doesn't have a boyfriend 'cause she's ashamed of you.
FEZ: Okay, baby, I'll see you later (he puts away the ripped piece)
HYDE: Listen, Forman, you're just upset because you know Donna is entering the
really cool world of FM radio. But, you know, feel good, man. 'Cause you'll be like
that first sweet relationship she'll look back on fondly while she's on the tour bus straddling rock stars.
They start to fight
Leo and Kelso are talking
KELSO: Yeah, life just hasn't been the same since I lost the van. It's hard to get chicks when you don't have wheels. I mean, sometimes a killer bod just isn't enough.
LEO: Amen to that, brother. Okay, I'll sell the El Camino to you for 500 bucks.
KELSO: 700! No! Damn! Wait! That's the wrong way. Um...Uh... 500.
LEO: No. 500.
Jackie and Eric are talking
JACKIE: Eric, don't worry about this whole Donna thing. I know a lot of girls who are much more realistic for you. They might be a little heavy, or a little dumb, or have a cockeye, but...
ERIC: Jackie- she didn't break up with me, okay? She still loves me.
JACKIE: Oh. So you're in the denial stage.
DONNA (coming in): Oh, my God, you guys! This has been the best day ever.
Jerry Thunder has totally taken me under his wing. And his stories- he's so funny! Oh! Elton John has a boyfriend! Plus, I get to meet Alice Cooper (she goes through a pile of records) Here it is. I'm gonna see if Alice'll sign this. Oh, I can't make it to the movie tonight. See ya.
ERIC: See? She still loves me.
JACKIE: Yeah. Have you met my friend Fat Sally?
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red is on the couch, the doorbell rings, Kitty answers it
KITTY: Earl. What brings you here?
EARL: Uh, I took the bus. First off, Kitty, I'd like to say you have a lovely home. Second of all, screw you, Red.
EARL: I'm out of work, and it's all your fault. How am I supposed to pay my bills or feed my dog or go to Hawaii?
RED: Look, Earl you can't blame me for getting fired. I didn't make you too dumb to flip burgers. That's God's fault.
EARL: Yeah, well, you know the Christmas card you get of me and my dog every year? You're off the list. Yeah. That's right. Don't bother checking the mailbox, Red, 'cause it ain't comin' (he leaves)
KITTY: I loved his Christmas cards. They were handmade.
Eric is sulking and listening to WFPP
RADIO: This is Jerry Thunder comin' at you on The Sound! And we got Alice
Cooper droppin' by any minute and it is going to be wild!
Eric's mind drifts off... he sees the radio-station, full of fog and people making out
JERRY: This is Jerry Thunder (thunderclap) Comin' your way on The Sound where we are enjoying lots of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Am I right, Hot Donna?
DONNA: You sure are, Jerry Thunder. Radio people are the coolest!
JERRY: That's right. That's why you want to have sex with us all.
DONNA: I really do! (Alice Cooper comes in, with a snake around his neck) Hey,
everybody, it's Alice Cooper!
ALICE: Hey, Hot Donna. Heard about you at the last big rock star meeting. Hey, Ted Nugent and I were wondering...Did you ever break up with that loser boyfriend of yours?
DONNA: Not yet, Alice Cooper (Eric comes in dressed in his Price Mart outfit)
Here's my loser boyfriend right now.
ERIC: Hey, Donna. Are you ready to go to the Price Mart ball?
DONNA: You hear that, everybody? The Price Mart ball.
ALICE: Hey, I got an idea. Why don't we feed your skinny boyfriend to the snake?
Back in the basement, Eric turns the radio off
ERIC: Damn you, Alice Cooper.
FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE
Eric, Hyde, Fez and Kelso are in the circle
ERIC: I haven't seen Donna in two days. She's been spending all of her time at the radio station. This is a real problem.
HYDE: Oh, well here we go again. Forman's got a problem. Well, you know what? Maybe I got a problem, man. Did you ever think of that?
ERIC: Oh. Man, Hyde, I'm sorry. Go ahead, man, Unload.
HYDE: Actually, I'm cool. And that's how you do it. You have a problem, and you
hold it in, man. Now, leather up, fruitcake.
FEZ: I have a problem (teary) But I guess I'll keep it all inside.
KELSO: Hey, you guys... so, Leo agreed to sell me the El Camino for, like, 500
bucks. So, what I need from you is 500 bucks.
ERIC: Hey, I'm Hyde. I don't feel anything. I'm just a frizzy-haired robot.
HYDE: Hey! I'm Forman! I use the same voice to imitate everybody!
FEZ: It's just that I...I.... Nothing.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red and Kitty are watching TV
RED: Oh! Gilligan screwed it up. He always screws it up. Why don't they just kill him?
KITTY: I don't think you're really mad at Gilligan, Red. Admit it. You feel guilty about what happened to Earl.
RED: This has nothing to do with Earl. The professor worked on that coconut radio for three months. Now how the hell are they gonna get off that island?
KITTY: Oh. Well, then I guess I was wrong. I don't know why I questioned you.
RED: And I'll tell ya... something's going on with that Skipper. You don't get that
fat eating coconuts.
Kelso is talking to Jackie, Fez is reading his National Geographic
KELSO: Jackie, you know I wouldn't ask you if this wasn't important. Okay? But this is an El Camino. That's Spanish for "The Camino."
JACKIE: By accepting this check, you are agreeing to two things. First, you will pay
me back in full and you will be my slave for a week.
KELSO: Meaning, like, your love slave?
JACKIE: No. More like an errand boy.
KELSO: You mean, like your errand love boy?
JACKIE: No. Just errands.
JACKIE: Good. Here. Now, go get your car, and then come by my place. I need
you to hold my toes apart while I paint them.
FEZ (laughing): Well, errand boy you just sold your soul for a car.
KELSO: Who cares, Fez? Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use it.
Red and Eric are sitting at the dinner table, Kitty is serving them
RED: Kitty, about this burger...
KITTY: What? Is it burnt? Are you gonna fire me? Make me live on the street with the other hoboes?
RED: Kitty, let it go. I do not feel guilty! All right! I feel guilty! (he leaves)
KITTY: He'll thank me when his tummy stops hurting. Ahahahaha! So...how are things with you and (low-pitched) Hot Donna?
ERIC: Well, if you heard about Hot Donna then you heard that I'm not her boyfriend. The whole world heard that. Well, people in Canada heard it.
KITTY: Oh, honey, Canadians don't matter. What matters is that you and Donna are okay. Right?
ERIC: Mom, I don't even know if we're okay. She's spending all of her time at
The Sound with Jerry Thunder.
KITTY: That reminds me of when I first started at the hospital. Your father was concerned that I was spending way too much time down there with all these handsome doctors.
ERIC: But, Mom, that's stupid. Doctors aren't important like deejays.
KITTY: Okay, well, the point is your dad started showing up at the hospital to mark his territory and one of the doctors, who was getting a little fresh, got punched in the mouth.
ERIC (laughing): Dad's so cool.
KITTY: No, that wasn't cool. It was embarrassing.
ERIC: But you married him.
KITTY: Yes, but it was embarrassing.
ERIC: Still, you married him.
KITTY: The point is, you have to trust Donna.
ERIC: But Dad didn't trust you, and you married him.
KITTY: Okay, you know what? I can't talk to you (she leaves)
Red and Earl walk up to the counter
RED: Okay, I am here to withdraw my complaint about my overcooked burger.
RICKY: Uh-huh. Well, I don't think you can do that.
RED: Well, I think I can.
RICKY: Of course you can. The customer's always right.
RED: So, you'll give Earl his job back?
RICKY: Well, the fry cook burnt off his finger this morning... so... sure. By the
way, don't have the fish sticks. We haven't found it.
RED: You hear that, Earl? You got your job back. You can go to work.
EARL: Wait. You mean right now? But I'll miss WKRP.
Kelso is getting his car. Hyde is there too
LEO: Okay, man, here are the keys.
KELSO: Oh, bitchin'!
LEO: You know...I was gonna give this car to my son on his 16th birthday. But then my old lady took him and split.
KELSO: Yeah, wow. Sad story. Keys, please?
LEO: I can't sell you the car, man.
KELSO: Oh, man! Ah, I guess I understand.
LEO: Thanks, man. Hyde, I want you to have this car.
KELSO: What? No! You just said that you couldn't sell the car.
LEO: Well, I'm not selling it. I'm giving it to him, man. He's family. He's the son I never had.
KELSO: You just said you had a son!
LEO: Yeah, and Hyde's the son I never had.
HYDE: Hey, Leo, man, thanks. You're the best. The car, the love, the wicked burn on Kelso (to Kelso) Hey, man, need a lift?
Eric comes in
DONNA: Eric, what are you doing here?
ERIC: I'll tell you what I'm doing here, Donna. I'm here to say who's who and what's what to Jerry Thunder.
DONNA: Eric, you can't talk to Jerry. He's on the air.
ERIC: Oh. Fine. Then I guess I'll just have to wait. But let me tell you something, I'll be fuming.
JERRY: This is Jerry Thunder (thunderclap) Signing off. And I'll see you around The Sound (music)
ERIC: All right! Whoo! Let's get Mr. Big FM Stud out here right now! Yeah! Big time!
DONNA: Eric, why are you being weird?
ERIC: Donna, I'm gonna make a long story short. I'm here to kick a little deejay ass, so have a seat.
Jerry comes out. He is tiny, fat, has a beard etc...
JERRY: Hey, Donna. And this must be the boyfriend, Eric. Hi. I'm Jerry Thunder.
ERIC: You're Jerry Thunder? (giggling) Well, that's just great! Check out Jerry
JERRY: Hey, you kids, the night is young. You guys up for a game of Dungeons & Dragons? I'll let you be Mandar, the half-elf. Oh, well. Another time, perhaps. Good night.
ERIC: So, that's Jerry Thunder?
DONNA: It really turns me off when you're so insecure like this. We've been
together long enough where it's either you don't get it or you don't trust me.
ERIC: No, Donna, I trust you.
DONNA: Well, then you don't get it. I finally have something that's really good in my life right now and if you can't handle that, then we have a problem. So, Eric, do we have a problem?
ERIC: No, we do not have a problem.
DONNA: Good. 'Cause I broke my nail on a Styx album, I didn't get to meet Alice Cooper... and I am super pissed.
ERIC: Yeah, well, you know...you have a really cool job.
DONNA: Yeah, I do, don't I? REO Speedwagon's coming in next week. I'm gonna see if they'll sign my boobs.
ERIC: Now we have a problem.
Okay, suddenly you're face to face with the Dragon of Fear.
No! I should have worn my Gauntlet of Ogre Strength.
Dumb! Any ideas, Mandar?
Well, there's my Rod of Cancellation, but it's chancy.
You know, a girl once promised to play with us, but she didn't show up.
Cheer up, King Zintar the Great.
Let's get out there and slay that dragon.