Eric is in the Vista Cruiser, hooking up his new speakers
HYDE: Where's the tunes, Forman?
ERIC: Hang on, you guys. Just one more wire here.
FEZ: I learned how to speak English faster than this.
KELSO: Fez, it's not real English when you speak it with a foreign accent. Geez.
Loud rock from the radio. They all move their heads on the tune
ERIC: Aren't these the coolest?
FEZ: I can't hear you.
ERIC: I know. They're the greatest speakers ever! (he jumps on the hood of the car and plays some air-guitar)
RED: Eric! (Eric keeps playing, Fez, Hyde and Kelso run off. Red turns the radio off)
ERIC: Oh. Hey, Dad. Sorry. Didn't see you there.
RED: Well, I guess that's 'cause you were too busy making an ass of yourself.
ERIC: Uh, actually I was trying out my new speakers. What do you think?
RED: New speakers? What was wrong with the old ones? Those were genuine G.M.
ERIC: Uh...These are louder.
RED: Well, just keep your monkey music turned down. Go grab your smock. We gotta go to work.
BOB (shouting):Hey, Red. Is that you?
RED: Oh, cripes (he turn the radio on again)
BOB: Hiya, neighbor.
RED: Can't hear ya, Bob. I'm testin' out Eric's new speakers.
RED (turns them off): Not bad! (he goes inside)
The Forman are sitting down to have dinner
RED: Boy, quite a day at Price Mart, Kitty. First, the price of light bulbs dropped two cents then Eric was made employee of the month and to top it off, they added Cheez-Its to the vending machine.
ERIC: Are you serious?
RED: Yep. Tiny little squares with the cheese flavor baked right in 'em.
ERIC: Am I really the Mart employee of the month?
RED: You sure are.
RED: And they even decided to throw in a extra 25 cents an hour.
ERIC: Oh, yes.
RED: I gotta admit, Eric. I had my doubts, but, uh...Hell, you've hardly
ERIC: Thanks, Dad. Oh, this is great. Whoo. Price Mart rocks.
KITTY: Oh, Laurie, tell everyone your good news.
LAURIE: I just finished my first two weeks of cosmetology school.
KITTY: And she didn't flunk out. Isn't that great?
RED: That is great, honey. Nice job.
LAURIE: Thanks, Daddy. Yeah, but the next exam's gonna kill me. We're not
allowed to practice on dummies anymore. And I have to style a real person's hair.
KITTY: Oh, honey, you'll do fine. We're all here to support you.
LAURIE: Great. So, you don't mind being my model?
KITTY: Me? Oh, honey, no, no. I go to the beauty parlor. Okay, well...Well, maybe Eric can help out.
ERIC: Oh, sure. Laurie, first of all, always run with scissors.
KITTY: Boy, I never get tired of your sarcasm.
ERIC: Really? (Red clears his throat) Sorry.
KITTY: Red, would you like to be a hair model?
RED: Kitty, I would like to have hair, period. But I don't, so... no.
LAURIE: Oh, forget it. I don't even know why I picked this stupid career.
ERIC: Maybe it's....because you're stupid?
KITTY: Laurie, no. You quit everything. You are not quitting cosmetology school.
LAURIE: Well, what am I supposed to do?
KITTY: I will be your model. But you just remember: Men have their cars. Women have their hair. It's like a car. It's valuable.
Eric, Hyde, Kelso and Fez are having sodas at the Hub
ERIC: So, not only are they gonna hang my picture in the front of the store... but I also get to represent our entire district in the national Price Mart Olympics.
FEZ: That's nice. Do you think I would choke to death if I swallowed my straw?
KELSO: No, it's got a breathing hole.
ALL: Fez, no!
FEZ: Oh, my God. There she is.
KELSO: Who's that?
FEZ: The new girl, Caroline. She transferred here from Sacred Heart. Or heaven. I'm not sure which. We have gym together. She barely sweats. Someday, I will make her my bride.
HYDE: Yep, no one likes a sweaty bride.
KELSO: Yeah, I hear you.
ERIC: So true.
HYDE: Hey. Why don't you go talk to her, man?
The place goes dark with a spotlight on Caroline standing near the jukebox. Fez
walks up to her and hits the jukebox. The song Oh Caroline starts and Caroline turns around
FEZ: You're the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
CAROLINE: Thank you. Your cocoa-brown skin makes me hot.
FEZ: I know. I am irresistible. Would you like to dance?
They start to dance. Then the light goes on again, with Fez still sitting down and Caroline still at the jukebox
HYDE: Hey. Why don't you go talk to her, man?
FEZ: Oh, I don't know, Hyde. I can't. I don't understand this. Usually I am...I am suave. I am silky. But this girl makes me...I have to go to the bathroom.
ERIC: Anyway, getting back to Price Mart-
HYDE & KELSO: Shut up!
DONNA (running in): Oh, my God. You guys are never gonna believe this.
ERIC: Wait, no. Me first.
DONNA: Okay, go.
ERIC: Okay. I, Eric Forman...your boyfriend...am Price Mart's newest employee of the month.
DONNA: Eric, that's great. Are you done?
ERIC: Well, yeah. Top that, cupcake.
DONNA: Okay. I just won two tickets to the Led Zeppelin concert. I was caller
number seven, and I won, and we're goin' to Zeppelin on Tuesday night.
KELSO: HAHAHA! All right!
HYDE: She said two tickets, not four, ya moron. We're not goin'.
ERIC: Oh, my God, no. Did you say Tuesday night? I can't go Tuesday night. It's inventory night. It's mandatory.
DONNA: Skip it, Eric. You love Zeppelin. Call in sick. Tell them your grandma died. Burn down the store.
ERIC: You're right. You know what? I'm going! (he gets up, then sits down again)
I can't go.
DONNA: Then who am I gonna take?
KELSO: No, Donna-
HYDE: You shut your filthy mouth!
KELSO: Donna, seriously-
HYDE: I'm practically his brother.
KELSO: I've been his friend way longer!
ERIC: Hey, you know what? I am going.
HYDE: Ah, crap.
KELSO: Still friends?
HYDE: Till death.
ERIC (sighs): I can't go.
HYDE & KELSO: I'm in! Shut up! Get killed!
DONNA: Uh- Eric, are you sure you can't come?
ERIC: Yeah, I can't. You know. Everyone has to work. No exceptions. Plus, Red and I? We're both kinda supervising.
HYDE: Corporate America claims another victim.
DONNA: Eric, it's okay. I knew you weren't gonna go. You're a really responsible
guy. I love and hate that about you. Well, since, uh- Since Mr. Smock here is being all logical...I guess I'll have to take one of you losers.
JACKIE (coming in): Take a loser where?
JACKIE: Zeppelin? Oh, my God. That's a band, right?
KELSO: Donna. In the ninth grade, I did an oral report on "Stairway to Heaven," and I got a B-plus. You gotta take me.
HYDE: Donna, in the ninth grade, I wasn't a dork and I didn't write a report on "Stairway to Heaven." And you gotta take me.
JACKIE: God! She doesn't wanna take either one of you, 'cause she's taking me. Donna, M-E, me!
ERIC: Okay, you know what? I'm going (sighs) I can't.
Laurie is doing Kitty's hair. It's really bad
LAURIE: You hate it, don't you?
KITTY: No, no. It's interesting. I mean, just...Just look at all this body. I must- I
bet I'm- I'm like- I'm four inches taller.
LAURIE: I never should've gotten into this. I'm not good at anything.
KITTY: No, no, no. I like it, Laurie.
LAURIE: Really? Thanks, Mom. Now all you need is a cut.
KITTY: No, no. No, no. No. Length- Length is good. Length is good (Laurie takes
the scissors) Drop 'em.
Eric and Red are having lunch
ERIC: Oh, hey, did you see this? They gave me a Price Mart key chain. It's got a knife and everything. Yeah, I keep it in my pocket. Some of the other guys get jealous.
RED: Look, Eric, I know you're very excited about your raise and everything but I
don't want you to get too caught up in this.
ERIC: Don't worry, Dad. I'm not about to alienate my fellow employees with my award-winning work ethic. I read the signs in the break room. There's no "l" in
WAITRESS: Here's your check, sir, and thank you for eating at Smiley's
Eric want to take the check
RED: Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
ERIC: You know what, Dad? I got this.
RED: Take your hand off the check.
WAITRESS: I'll come back.
Kelso, Hyde and Jackie are still debating who gets to go to Zeppelin
KELSO: Jackie, why do you wanna go anyway? You hate Led Zeppelin.
JACKIE: I never said I hated them, Michael. For your information I think Led is hot.
DONNA: Fez, is that her?
FEZ: Yes. I wish I could go talk to her, but I get so nervous.
DONNA: Fez, you shouldn't be nervous. You're awesome. What girl wouldn't wanna be with you?
FEZ: Well, there is Jackie, Laurie, this girl from gym, another girl from chemistry... uh, country-western star Tanya Tucker who does not answer her letters....
DONNA: Okay, stop. Whatever happened to suave, silky Fez?
FEZ: You're right. I forgot about him. He's hot.
DONNA: Exactly. So- Go get her, Fez.
FEZ: Caroline? It is Fez. May I sit? (she nods, he tries to sit down but misses the
chair and falls to the floor) Okay, thank you (he leaves) Great idea, Donna.
Eric and Red come in, Kitty is scrubbing the counter
ERIC: Well, excuse me for trying to buy a coworker lunch.
RED: I am not your coworker. You're a high school kid with a part-time job. You're temporary.
KITTY: Uh-oh. You know what ends fights? Pudding. Just give me seven minutes.
RED: Eric, you gotta stop acting like a big shot. You're not the king of the world, you know.
ERIC: I'm employee of the month. I don't have to take this (he leaves)
RED: This is no good, Kitty.
ERIC: What are you gonna do, Red? He's growing up.
RED: No, I mean your hair (she looks like she's about to cry, Red hugs her)
Kitty tries to sneak out
BOB: Hey there, Harpo. Where's your horn?
KITTY: Bob, are you making fun of my hair?
Jackie, Kelso and Hyde are sitting opposite of Donna
KELSO: Take me.
HYDE: Take me.
JACKIE: Take me.
KELSO: Take me.
HYDE: Take me.
JACKIE: Take me.
DONNA: No! (Donna gets up and goes to the toilet) Hi
CAROLINE: Hi. You're Donna, right?
DONNA: Uh, yeah. Yeah.
CAROLINE: I'm Caroline. I think we have Spanish together.
DONNA: Oh, yeah. Hi.
CAROLINE: Hola! Um, you know that foreign guy you're always hanging out with?
DONNA: Oh, my God. You like Fez? Oh, my God. Come on. I'll introduce you to him.
CAROLINE: Oh, no, no, no. That's okay. I just... wanted to- I gotta go... use the baño (thumping) Stupid, stupid, stupid....
Laurie comes in and throws her beautycase around
KITTY: What's goin' on?
LAURIE: Cosmetology is too hard. I'm quitting.
KITTY: Laurie, don't you think I wanted to quit nursing school a hundred times? The first time I put in a catheter, it broke off.
LAURIE: But what if I don't get any better?
KITTY: Well, you will never know unless you stick with it.
LAURIE: Oh, what do you care?
KITTY: I care because I'm your mother. So, I care.
LAURIE: Well, we do start doing nails next week. That might be fun.
KITTY: And I happen to know a few patients down at the hospital who would love
LAURIE: Thanks, Mom.
KITTY: Uh-huh. Yep. It's- It's- It's just gonna perk 'me right up when they come out of their comas.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red is in his chair, having a dream
ERIC: Hey, Dad. Good news. Just got another raise.
RED: Well, good for you, you dumb bastard.
ERIC: Yeah, I tell ya. If they keep throwin' money at me like this... I might be able to get my own apartment soon.
RED: For God's sakes, you're 57 years old.
RED: Eric, why didn't you listen to me? If you'd gone to college, you could've really been something.
ERIC: Been something? Whoa. You're talkin' to the interim assistant weekend manager of house wares here, okay? Yeah. Show some respect.
RED: Well aren't you just the president of Turd Town?
Red wakes up
ERIC: Dad. I've been thinkin' about why you went so crazy and yelled at me... and I've come to the conclusion that....you're crazy and you like to yell at me.
RED: There's somethin' you gotta know. You're-Well-You're an idiot.
ERIC: Oh, great. A pep talk.
RED: Look, sit down. When I was your age, I thought I had it all too. Great job at the plant, nice steady paycheck...Just enough to, you know, string me along for 30 years or so. And for what? So they could toss me out on my ass when things got tough.
ERIC: Dad, I'm not gonna wind up w...
RED: Look, don't get me wrong. I admire your work ethic. But you deserve better than Price Mart. You're a smart guy. And I'm, uh- I'm proud of you.
ERIC: Whoa. Really? You-You think I'm smart? You're proud of me?
RED: Oh, geez. What, you gonna ruin this now by talking?
ERIC: Listen, Dad. If I'm still workin' at Price Mart when I'm your- older... please
RED: You don't have to ask twice, Son.
ERIC: Oh, that's...That's my dad.
RED: Come on. Let's go make fun of your mom's hair.
Jackie, Hyde and Kelso are still battling about the tickets
JACKIE: I already said moron.
KELSO: Moron. Don't touch. Those are for Donna.
HYDE: Kelso, Donna doesn't want a bunch of dirty cookies.
KELSO: They're not dirty.
HYDE (kicks them off the table): They are now.
KELSO: Hyde, you're dead.
They start to fight
Donna comes in
JACKIE: Donna, where have you been? The concert starts in an hour. I'm ready to go. Let's go.
DONNA: The concert? Oh, right. The concert. Well, you guys were so busy fighting
over the tickets, I forgot to tell you. I gave them away.
JACKIE: To who?
The is looking for his seat, and so is Caroline. Then they see each other, smile, and sit down. They hold hands, without saying a word
Laurie is doing Red's nails. Red is reading his paper
LAURIE: See? Your cuticles look better already. Proper nail care is one of the easiest things to overlook.
RED (mumbles): Real good.
LAURIE: Oh, gosh, Daddy. I didn't know you were a bleeder.
RED: I'm not.
LAURIE: Um, could you apply some pressure to this while I go get some paper towels?