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(Hyde sits on the freezer. Jackie sits on Hyde's chair with her feet on the table playing with the magic 8 ball. Eric and Donna sit on the back of the couch slapping each other's hands playfully. Kelso looks like he is fixing something. Fez comes in.)
Fez: Happy Veterans Day! Now, where have you hidden the chocolate eggs?
Eric: Uh, they're everywhere, Fez. Start looking. (Fez starts looking around.)
Jackie: (gets up and walks over to Hyde.) So, Steven, isn't Veteran's Day romantic?
Hyde: Oh yeah. Government pawns and missing limbs. That's amore.
Jackie: I know, I know. It's a day for people in love to have fun together.
Kelso: You know what, all this talk about having fun makes me want to have fun. Hey, let's throw stuff at
Eric: (standing up) Man, that's perfect! I've got stuff!
Kelso: I'm in!
Eric: Cool. (they run upstairs excitedly.)
Jackie: (turns back to Hyde) So, Steven, would you like to go to Mr. Forman's barbecue with me?
Hyde: No, as a matter of fact, I don't want to go anywhere with you.
Jackie: No, that's ok! You know what, (props herself up on the freezer next to Hyde and puts her arm
around his shoulder) we can stay in.
Hyde: No, Jackie! Look, I told you again and again I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance.
And yet, you keep thinking that I have interest in you and you have a chance. (gets down and sits
Jackie: (following him) Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?!
(Hyde looks exasperatedly at Donna who just smiles from her magazine.)
Hyde: (stands up and faces her) Ok, you know what, you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my
feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku. "My heart aches with
pain. (she smiles at first) When I see you I vomit. Die away from me."
Donna: (enjoying herself from the couch) Ouch!
Hyde: Sayonara. (exits to his room in the basement)
Jackie: (stunned) Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like
Donna: Because you're stalking him, Jackie.
Jackie: No, really Donna?
Donna: Jackie, really. You are to Hyde what Fez is to you.
Jackie: (walks around the back of the couch) That's ridiculous! Fez and I will never happen. (Sits down
suddenly, realization spread across her face.) Oh god. Steven and I will never happen...
Donna: (puts her arm around Jackie) Jackie, it's all right. You just gotta get over this. Be strong.
Jackie: You're right Donna, you're right. Oh, I wish my Daddy could buy him for me. (she rests her head
on Donna's shoulder)
Donna: Yeah, I know. I know.
Fez: (comes over to them smelling something in his hand) Does this smell like chocolate to you?
(They give him a weird, disgusted look.)
(Kitty is adding seasoning to a pot on the stove. Hyde is stirring something at the counter. Red is standing at the opened refrigerator
door, in uniform. Kelso is standing next to Hyde with his back turned.)
Kelso: (turns around with a slice of cheese in the shape of a star and an eyehole over his right eye) Hey
look. I'm Paul Stanley from KISS. (Hyde and Kitty laugh. Red walks up behind them with some
condiments in his hand)
Red: Kelso, don't play with the cheese! (Kelso and Hyde exit out the sliding glass door and Red starts
putting the food down on the counter) These damn kids, they don't respect anything American!
Kitty: Oh, Red. This isn't about the kids misusing dairy products. You're still upset that Bob marched in
the Veteran's Day Parade.
Red: Well he was only in the National Guard! It's called "Veteran's Day" not Pansy Ass, National Guard,
Wussy, Pansy Ass Day.
Kitty: Oh, c'mon Red. (proddingly) Are any dirty commies less dead because of him?
Red: (smiles) No...I guess not... You're right Kitty. You know, I'm gonna put away this uniform and then
we'll fire up that grill.
(Bob comes in from the driveway wearing his National Guard uniform.)
Bob: Hey Red. Some parade, huh?
Red: Yeah, it sure was, (grumbles) till the National Guard got there...
Bob: Look, I just came over to invite you to my barbecue.
(Red and Kitty stop what they're doing and look at him in unison.)
Red: You're barbecue? Bob, I have an annual barbecue....every Veteran's Day. It's my day....because I'm a
Bob: Well, I'm a Veteran, too. (defensively) And I'm having a barbecue and you can't stop me!
(Storms out through the sliding glass door. Hyde is sitting on the porch. Eric and Kelso are at the basketball hoop with Eric holding
the ball. Jackie is walking up from the direction of the garage with a date.)
Jackie: Hey Mr. Pinciotti. I didn't know you were in the Boy Scouts.
(Bob turns to confront her, obviously upset.)
Bob: Ahhhh... (waves his hand in resignation and walks away)
Jackie: Hey everybody. This is Chip. (they put their arms around each other) He's been after me for
awhile now so I decided 'what the hell?' Chip, it's everybody.
Chip: Hey everybody. (turns to Jackie) Jackie, I'll uh, get you something to drink.
Jackie: (smiles at him dismissively) Whatever.
(She strolls over to Hyde and leans against the porch)
Hyde: So you're with this Chip guy now?
Jackie: (sarcastically) Why? Do you care?
Hyde: (raises an eyebrow and shrugs) No, I mean if you wanna date this guy that's...."cool."
Jackie: (looks back at him, surprised) It is?!!
(Donna is hanging decorations on the fence and Jackie is talking to her, excitedly)
Jackie: ...and then Steven said, "That's cool," but not like "cool," more like he's jealous!
Donna: Jackie, or he just thinks it's cool.
Jackie: Donna, it is so romantic. Just like West Side Story. Yeah, but without the dancing and the Puerto
Ricans. Wait, is Fez Puerto Rican?
Donna: You know what, I don't know.
(Jackie leaves while Bob and Midge come out putting food on the tables.)
Bob: This'll show Red. We're gonna have the best barbecue ever. If there's one thing you learn in the
National Guard it's how to cook. Oh! I'm gonna defrost some chicken. (walks back inside)
Donna: Mom? The Formans have a barbecue every Veteran's Day. I mean, why are we having one?
Midge: Honey, this isn't about a barbecue. This is about your Father going bankrupt. (Donna's eye's
widen in shock) Now help me with these chairs.
Donna: What?!! What are you talking about?
Midge: We need the chairs, for people to site on.
Donna: No mom, about dad being bankrupt!
Midge: Your Dad's appliance store is going out of business 'cause he can't compete with Pricemart. So
he decided to throw a big barbecue.
Donna: Ok, I'm still not getting this.
Midge: Oh, your Dad wants to be bigshot one last time before everybody discovers what a failure he is.
Donna: Oh my god.
Midge: And please don't tell anybody. He's very sensitive about being a failure.
(Guests are scattered around. Kitty is talking to a guest in uniform. Red walks up smiling and hands a burger to the Veteran.)
Red: Here you go. Enjoy your burger.
Kitty: And thank you for choosing the Formans for your Veteran's Day celebration needs.
(The man walks away and Kitty heads towards the kitchen. Eric walks up eating a drumstick.)
Red: (annoyed) Kitty....Why is everybody over at Bob's?
Eric: (eating) They've got chicken.
(Red and Kitty exchange glances; Kitty walks into the kitchen.)
Red: Chicken?! (sarcastically) Well isn't that a surprise. A National Guardsman serving up chicken.
Well, he's not gonna get away with this. Eric, chop up some onions and mix it in with the meat.
Eric: Why can't we just put the onions on top of the burger?
Red: Eric, do you wanna win this thing or don't you? (walks away)
Eric: Ok, not-crazy Dad.
(He walks to the table that's set up in the driveway and starts cutting onions. Donna walks up a little frantic.)
Donna: Eric, can I talk to you?
Eric: Uh, not really Donna. (laughs a little) I gotta bust hump. My Dad wants to crush your Dad's
Donna: What! Why?
Eric: Well, apparently my Dad believes that if your Dad's barbecue is better than his America will fall to
Donna: Do you ever stop to think that maybe my Dad's barbecue is really important to him?!
Eric: (bewildered) Uh, no, because it's just a stupid barbecue...?
Donna: It's not stupid! I'm so sick of your Dad, he's such a jerk!
Eric: Whoa, my Dad's a jerk? Well, Donna, your Dad's a jerk and he's just copying my Dad (Donna
scoffs) ...and your Dad didn't even fight in the war! You're just a National Guard kid! (faking
confidence) Yeah, I said it! What! What?
Donna: Oh yeah? Well you and Red are going down! And you know what else, I was wrong Eric. Red's
not a jerk, he's an ass, and you're an ass, cause the ass doesn't fall far from the ass tree!
(mocking Eric) What'd I say? What?! What?! (storms off)
FORMAN DRIVEWAY / FORMAN KITCHEN
(Kelso and Fez are sitting in the kitchen watching through the sliding glass door as Hyde, Jackie and Chip walk away. Kelso is shaking
up beer cans and putting them back in the cooler next to him.)
Kelso: Man, I can't believe Jackie chose that guy over me.
Fez: Or me for that matter.
Kelso: Yeah, that's true because you're a good looking guy.
Fez: (smiles adoringly at Kelso) Back at you, Kelso. Your eyelashes, they go for, like, miles.
Kelso: I've heard that. Yeah...I'm what's known as "man pretty."
(Red is tending the grill. Eric walks up from the side garage door.)
Eric: Bad news, Dad. The Pinciotti's have... (holds up a decorated napkin) ...these!
Red: Red, white and blue napkins. That clever S.O.B! And I cheaped out and went for the plain white.
Eric: So...what? Now we surrender?
Red: Surrender? You know if this were an actual war you'd be the first in a body bag.
Eric: Yes, Sir! I'm gonna go refill the catsups.
(He salutes Red and walks away ditifully. Red reaches into a nearby cooler and grabs a beer which sprays all over him.)
(Hyde is sitting on a lawnchair by the basketball hoop. Jackie is sitting on Chip's lap across from him. She gets up and starts to walk
toward the porch but is stopped by Laurie.)
Laurie: Hey Jackie, who's that hot guy you brought with you?
Jackie: Back off! I need him for right now but you can have him when I'm done. As usual.
(Brushes past her and grabs a beer from a cooler. Laurie turns around.)
Laurie: Wait a second Jackie, are you working an angle here? Nice.
Jackie: Noooo, there's no angle. I just wanna see if I can make Steven jealous.
Laurie: So you're gonna sleep with him a couple of times and see what happens? Yeah, I've been down that
Laurie: (mockingly) Oh, you're such a child. (commandingly) Send him to my room when you're done!
(Laurie walks inside and Jackie heads to the backyard.)
Hyde: (nodding in Jackie's direction) So, you and Jackie, huh?
Chip: Yeah, isn't she something?
Hyde: (pauses carefully and looks back at Jackie) Sure.
Chip: Sometimes, though, I kinda hate it when she talks.
Hyde: (laughs) I hear ya. (They get up and head towards the direction of the kitchen.)
Chip: And she's always talking....but, I figure it's worth it if I can nail her.
(Hyde turns around and looks at Chip. You can see Jackie in the backyard talking, she glances over occasionally.)
Hyde: Huh… You should probably think about that, man. You know, I mean, Jackie's kinda young...she only had,
like, one boyfriend so....
Chip: Hey, that's not a big surprise. You know - she's a bitch.
Hyde: (without emotion) Oh no.
(Hyde looks down for a beat and then suddenly knocks Chip to the ground. Jackie comes running out from the backyard.)
Jackie: Steven, what happened?!
Hyde: (looks at her, confused and starts muttering) What? Nothing. Just....somebody....and, then a guy....
said...."bitch".....and it was nothing.
Jackie: Oh my god! He called me a bitch and you hit him and that's what happened, isn't it?
Hyde: (he stares at her with a guilty pause) Nooo...
Jackie: Liar! I am the bitch. And you love me!
(Camera closes in on Jackie with a dreamy look on her face, staring off into space. Chords from a harp play in the background and a royal
horn sounds, signaling a fantasy shot of Hyde in a shining suit of armor on top of a white steed in the driveway holding a sword in one hand
and his beer still in the other.)
Hyde: Stop staring at me. Quit it! I'm not this guy. Oh god.
(Hyde walks in on his way to the living room. Kitty is at the counter, talking to him as he storms through.)
Kitty: Oh, Steven, I saw what happened. Is your girlfriend okay?
Hyde: (stops short of the door and looks at her) My girlfriend?!
Kitty: Yeah, th-th-the bossy little mean one you're always hanging around with...oh, uh, Jackie.
Hyde: She's not my girlfriend.
Kitty: Are you sure...?
Hyde: Yes, I'm sure. I don't like her. She's shallow and rich and mean and bossy. She's everything that I
Kitty: But Steven, you hate everything.
Hyde: What's that supposed to mean?
Kitty: Well, it means that...that maybe you like her cause... (singsongs) I kinda think you do-oo.
Hyde: No! How could I like her. Because I don't like her! Because I can't like her! Mrs. Forman, if I like
Kitty: (turns to him immediately and makes a gun with her fingers) POW!!
(Hyde sighs, frustrated and goes back outside. Jackie and Fez are at the picnic table in the driveway, Kelso's hanging out by the
Hyde: Jackie, get your car, we're going on a freaking date!
(Jackie looks up, shocked and smiles. Fez and Kelso are visibly upset.)
Jackie: (stands up and takes a few steps forward) Oh my god! It's a Veteran's Day miracle!
(Hyde motions for her to come with him and exits toward the garage.)
(Edwin Starr's WAR is played. Eric walks out from the backyard with an open-faced cheeseburger on a plate with catsup and white
colored cheese on it followed anxiously by Red.)
Red: Red, white and bleu cheeseburgers! Eric, you're a genius.
(Donna puts a lighted sparkler in a hot dog that Bob is holding.)
Bob: Sparkler Dogs. God Bless America!
(Eric squeezes juice from a lemon into a full pitcher of lemonade.)
Eric: Freshly squeezed.
Red: That's fresh.
(Donna picks up some beer bottles from a tub full beer and ice.)
Bob: Ah, beer in the bottle. That's class.
(Red and Eric are standing over a keg of beer. Eric is pumping the tap.)
Eric: The keg is tapped.
Red: Bend over and kiss it good-bye, Bob! Here comes the big one!
(They laugh wickedly. Red slaps Eric on the back.)
(Bob, Midge and Donna stand around.)
Bob: A keg? Oh, great. Red's gone nuclear. This barbecue's over.
(WAR stops playing. Midge and Donna look at him sympathetically.)
Donna: Dad, that's it? You're just gonna give up? We had Sparkler Dogs. We can win this thing.
Bob: No, Donna. Thanks, but it's over. I just wanted one big blowout. One last Hurrah!, you know? Oh
why didn't I rent the one-man band?
(Bob walks inside and Donna turns around to face Midge, both with sad expressions.)
(Night. Hyde and Jackie are sitting on the back of her car in what looks like a foresty area. Hyde takes a
swallow of his pop, she looks at him and smiles.)
Jackie: This is the best date ever.
Hyde: Jackie, we haven't talked in 30 minutes.
Jackie: That's okay. Steven, you don't have to say anything. I understand you.
Hyde: Oh, you do, do you?
Jackie: Sure. Ok, so you're probably sitting there thinking, "I'm on this date with this girl who really,
really likes me... and, and she's so beautiful that - "
Hyde: Jackie -
Jackie: (puts her finger to his lips to silence him) Shhh.... And you're wondering, "How can I open up to
her, when everyone I have ever loved have abandoned me. Am I even worthy of love?"
Well...you are, Steven. You are. (he looks at her for a moment with his elbows propped up on
his knees and then reaches his fingers underneath his glasses to cover his eyes and starts crying.
Jackie puts her arm around him for comfort) It's okay Steven, it's okay. You know what, let it out.
Let it all out.
Hyde: (crying) Ok.
Jackie: It's ok. (Hyde lifts his face to reveal he wasn't really crying and blows raspberries in her face.
She calmly wipes spit off her cheek and then jumps off the car.) Let's go home!
Hyde: Oh c'mon, I'm kidding! No, this is, this is alright. We can hang out here for awhile, ok? God...
(she walks around the car and joins him again, smiling.) Here, have some of my pop.
Jackie: (she takes the soda from him) Sure.
(She smiles at him and scoots closer and then takes his arm and puts it around her shoulder and nuzzles in before taking a sip.)
Hyde: (surrendering) Ok.
(Night. Red and Kitty are at the table. Eric is off to the side minding the keg.)
Kitty: Well, we've gone through 3 batches of Ambrosia salad.
Red: 3 batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. (laughs. Donna
approaches) Oh uh, hi Donna.
Donna: Well I hope your all happy, cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more
good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
Eric: Wait? What?
Donna: Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so....congratulations. (walks away)
Eric: Oh my god, I feel so bad.
Red: Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
Eric: Wha...me? You coulda, you... (stumbles for words but Red cuts him off)
Red: Eric, for god's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
Eric: Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
Kitty: Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
Red: Yeah, I suppose. (turns to crowd) All right Freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! (everyone
starts to leave) Eric, grab that keg.
Eric: Ok, I'm on it.
(Eric walks over to the keg and tries to lift it. It doesn't budge. He continues to try, moving to a different angle. Still nothing. He steps back
briefly and then suddenly jumps on it, pulling with all his might. It doesn't move at all. He steps back and looks at it, baffled.)
(Night. The yard is full of guests. Bob walks out of his house and looks around. Red, Kitty and Midge are standing there. Kitty is holding a
dish and is near tears but she tries to put on a brave face.)
Bob: Hey, what's everybody doing here?
Red: Congratulations, Bob! You really out-barbecued me. I gotta say you're one hell of a guy.
Kitty: Oh, Bob. (breaking) We just love you so much!
Bob: Midge, you told!
Kitty: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. (Midge and Kitty step inside. Red steps over to Bob.)
Red: Look, Bob. I just want you to know that you've been a real good neighbor and a real good friend and
if you ever need it, I'm here for ya.
Bob: (looks at Red, choked-up) Thanks, Red.
Red: Oh, but uh...I can't help you if you cry, Bob. Don't cry.
Bob: (voice breaking) These are tears of joy, Red.
Red: Yeah, that's, that's bad too Bob.
(Night. Eric is there alone, almost on the floor pushing with all his weight which only scoots him backward against the motionless keg.)
Eric: MO-OO-OO-OVVE!! C'mon!!
(Keeps pushing against it with no luck. Donna walks up.)
Eric: (jumps up immediately) Oh, hey! What's up? Hi.
Donna: Look, I'm sorry. Everyone came by and I know that you did that so....thanks.
Eric: No, Donna. I'm sorry. Look, you know I wouldn't have acted like such a jerk if I knew something so
terrible was happening to your Dad.
Donna: No, I know, I know. It's ok. My folks didn't want me to say anything, so...
Eric: Yeah. No. I mean, you know.
Donna: Yeah. (smiles and then looks down)
Eric: Are you okay?
Donna: Yeah....and no - I don't know.
(Eric offers her a hug and she wraps her arms around him, still a little worried .)
(Night. Jackie and Hyde have moved to the front passenger side of the car, they're still not talking. She is wearing his jacket. Leo Sayer's
When I Need You is playing in the background.)
Jackie: So...our first date's almost over.
Jackie: What'd you think.
Hyde: (thinks about it) It was no worse than bowling. (She gives him a confused look) No, I don't hate
(She nods. They look at each other for a moment and she leans in slowly to kiss him and he leans in too. They kiss, softly at first and then it
gets more intense, she moves her hand to his cheek and then suddenly they stop moving. For a moment their lips are still locked, motionless,
and then she pulls away. They look at each other blankly as you hear the sound of a record player scratch.)
Jackie: (confused) Huh. Ok, I didn't feel anything.
Hyde: (thinks about it for a moment and then looks at her) Nothing?
Jackie: No, I mean the kiss was hot, but....well, did you feel something?
Hyde: (hesitantly) Uh.... (looks at her. Decisively) No. Well....? No.
(He purses his lips together and they both look down, he touches his lips thoughtfully.)
Jackie: (looks at him) So....I guess that's it, then. Turns out you were right about us all along.
Hyde: (nods his head) Yep.
Jackie: So....what happens now?
Hyde: (looks her over) I'm not opposed to doing it.
Jackie: (looks at him in mock horror and smiles) Take me home you pig!
Hyde: (smiling too) Yes, dear.
(They jump off the car and go to the opened passenger-side door and he helps her in.)
(Night. Kelso and Fez are standing in the driveway holding beer cans, obviously drunk.)
Kelso: Fez....I don't feel so good.
Fez: Me neither.
(A full view of the driveway reveals that the horse, who is now pink, is standing there.)
Fez: Do you see a horse?
Kelso: Yes, I do.
Fez: Is it pink?
Kelso: Uh-huh. (Fez falls over backward behind Kelso) This...was the best barbecue...EVER! (Kelso
falls over sideways. A close-up is shown of the horse's face.)