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The gang are hanging out. Donna comes in
DONNA: Hey. Check it out. I got my first story in the school paper.
ERIC: Neat. Oh. They spelled your name wrong. Apparently you're "Donna Pincipotti."
KELSO: That's funny 'cause it's got the potty sound in it.
DONNA: Hey, you know what else is a funny sound? (she hits him in the head)
HYDE: Where the hell is Jackie with your van, man? I want to get out of here.
KELSO: Ah, she had to help her aunt move a couch.
FEZ: Why did you lend Jackie your van? She hates you, man.
KELSO: Well, I'm trying to get on her good side, Fez. I mean, this is a small town with a limited number of women. And I've already gone all the way through 'em once, and now I'm back to Jackie. Oh. And I love her.
JACKIE (coming in): Hey.
KELSO: Hey. So, how'd it go, baby?
JACKIE: Oh. Great (she hands him his keys back)
JACKIE: Yeah. Oh, except for when I crashed your van. But other than that, cool.
The gang are looking a severly battered van
KELSO: How did this happen? Jackie, how?
JACKIE: Michael, like I said...
JACKIE: Coming out of the drive...
KELSO (screaming): HOW?
HYDE: Kelso. Come on, man. Relax. Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.
FEZ: Besides, it's not all that bad. This door still works (he tries to open it and it falls off)
ERIC: Hey, Jackie. What happened to the other door?
JACKIE: Other door?
ERIC: Yeah, you know, the thing that always got in the way...of this giant, gaping hole.
KELSO (picking up a pair of drumsticks that were lying in the van): Jackie, what are these?
JACKIE: Uh...Van sticks.
KELSO: No. Jackie, these...these are not van sticks. These are drumsticks. Whose drumsticks are they?
DONNA: Oh, wow, Jackie. What's up?
JACKIE: Okay. Fine. You know what? I used your van to drive Chip and his band to a gig.
KELSO: Jackie...is Chip a girl?
JACKIE: Uh, no.
KELSO: You had other guys in my van?
HYDE: You're dating a band?
JACKIE: It wasn't a date. It was a gig.
KELSO: Whatever it was, it was a gross misuse of van. And, uh-And you owe me
JACKIE: I owe you money? What about all the stuff I bought you while we were
KELSO: That does not count. You gave me those things so I would love you.
The bumper of the van falls off
Red is sitting at the table, Laurie is standing. Kitty comes in carrying a baby
KITTY: Look what I've got!
LAURIE: Ew. What's that?
KITTY: That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
LAURIE: Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
KITTY: Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
RED: Oh? Then I'll do it.
KITTY: No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
ERIC (walking in): Oh, golly, Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass.
RED: Hey. What did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
ERIC: That it's offensive to the devil? (they all look at him, he leaves)
Midge, Red and Bob are fondue-inh, Kitty is on the phone with Laurie
KITTY: No, Laurie. You can't feed a baby bacon. Okay, okay. What color is the baby? Well, good. Now, if that changes, call me.
MIDGE: Is everything okay?
KITTY: Oh, yes. We have just got the cutest little baby over at our house right now. Isn't she cute, Red?
RED: Yeah, I just can't get over it. Geez, Bob. You got your fingers in the cheese.
KITTY: Remember how cute Laurie and Eric were when they were babies? They used to just laugh and play.
RED: Well, every time I was around all they did was scream.
KITTY: I just think it would be nice to have a baby around the house again.
RED: Oh, damn it, Bob. Get your fingers out of the cheese.
Laurie is trying to change Marissa's diaper. Eric and Donna walk in
LAURIE: Do you think it would still do this if I stopped feeding it?
DONNA: Oh, Laurie, let me do that (she changes the diaper)
LAURIE: Wow. How'd you do that last move?
DONNA: It's all in the wrist. See? (she picks Marissa up)
ERIC: Hey. Look at the wrist on my girl.
DONNA: Shut up! (she hands the baby to Donna) Let's go.
LAURIE: Wait. Wait, no. Donna, wait. I think it really likes you. Ooh. I think it just said your name [Mimicking Baby Voice] Donna!
Eric and Donna walk into the living room
ERIC: Hey, you know, you were really good in there.
DONNA: Well, it's not exactly brain surgery.
ERIC: I know, but it was so cool. It's just- I think it's really, really...cool that you
can do that.
DONNA: Eric, you're, like, over the moon 'cause I changeda poopy diaper, but when I got my story in the school paper all you said was "Yeah, they called you Donna Pincipotti."
ERIC: It's a funny sound. "Potti." Come on. Try not to laugh (she doesn't) That's good. Come on, Donna. About the diaper thing, I was just paying you a compliment.
DONNA: What was the compliment?
ERIC: That you are gonna be so great staying home with our kids.
DONNA: What? Eric, how exactly do you see our future?
Eric thinks of Donna, on the couch, with twins in her arms. He comes home, gives her and the babies a kiss and they all look in the camera
DONNA: Okay, okay. That could work. I would just like to adjust one little thing.
Same scene as before, only now Eric is on the couch with the twins
ERIC: Okay. The businesswoman idea is good. But what about this?
Eric is sitting in a stripclub. Donna comes in and starts to dance around the pole
DONNA: Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah. I would just change one thing.
The scene continues with Donna hitting Eric in the face with her foot
ERIC: That seems more hurtful than sexy.
DONNA: Jackass (she leaves)
ERIC: So does that.
Jackie is standing, Kelso is pacing
KELSO: You owe me money.
JACKIE: Michael, your uncle gave you that van for free.
KELSO: Yeah? Well, I put a lot of money into that van. The shag carpeting, uh, eight track, strobe light, black light, red light.
JACKIE: I hate you.
KELSO: Well, I hate you more.
JACKIE: I hate you most.
KELSO: Well, I hate you the...Damn it!
HYDE: All right. All right. Let's just act like adults and treat this like what it really is A divorce.
FEZ: Oh, Jackie, you get custody of me.
HYDE: All right. Let's just figure out what you guys owe each other.
JACKIE: Fine. I'm not afraid. I'm right, and he's a total moocher.
KELSO: I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van.
HYDE: For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847.
HYDE: All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
JACKIE: Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
KELSO: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway (he starts to take of his shirt)
FEZ: Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
KELSO: Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
HYDE: Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
HYDE: Dude, you burned her house.
Kitty, Midge, Red and Bob are playing a board game
KITTY: Oh, and that clean baby smell.
RED: Yes, but when we had babies we couldn't go to the movies or out to dinner.
KITTY: Oh, Red. When was the last time we went to the movies or out to dinner?
RED: Exactly. Who needs to leave the house when there are no babies in it?
BOB: I gotta thank my lucky stars I got the old snippety-snip.
RED: Bob, you mean you just let some quack remove...
BOB: On, no. Nothing's removed.
KITTY: Okay. That's enough of that.
RED: Yeah, well, I guess it's okay if it means you don't have to have any more
KITTY: Oh, Red, it was fun having babies. Remember fun?
RED: Yes, Kitty, but it was also a large responsibility. Or burden, if you will.
KITTY: Red Forman, I don't want to hear another word out of you unless it's "I love babies."
RED: Kitty, you're making a scene.
KITTY: That is not "I love babies."
RED: Kitty, what's the matter with you?
KITTY: Oh, well, I don't...I don't want to ruin our nice night out... because, boy, Midge, you can really melt a super pot of cheese, but, um, I think I want another baby.
MIDGE: Really? You liked my cheese?
Laurie is showing Marissa some girl-stuff
LAURIE: This is Aqua Net. The same stuff Farrah uses. And she's got a big TV
show, and she's married to Lee Majors. So, Aqua Net, very important.
Kitty and Red come in
KITTY: Oh, come on, Red. Oh, look how sweet this baby is. Just hold it.
RED: Look, Kitty. I didn't touch our kids when they were babies, and I'm not touching this one (he starts to leave)
KITTY: Red Forman, you touch this baby.
RED: Nope (keeps walking)
KITTY: Touch it.
RED: Not happening (he leaves)
KITTY: Is this child wearing lip liner?
FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE
Hyde, Donna, Eric, Jackie
DONNA: So, turns out my supersensitive guy boyfriend wants me to be a baby machine. What a dill-hole.
ERIC: Donna, I'm sitting right here.
DONNA: That's why I said it, you dill-hole.
ERIC: Donna, the only reason I thought you'd stay home with the babies is because only every woman has done it for the entire history of time. So, don't be
mad at me. Be mad at your... foremothers. Yeah.
JACKIE: That is so typical. As if every woman wants to spend her life as a pampered housewife raising kids and organizing the help. Wait. Isn't that what every woman wants?
HYDE: Donna, man. Forman's just limited by his experiences. As the voice of a new generation of smart, independent women you need to make this dill-hole realize that a mind and spirit like yours has more options than your mothers had.
DONNA: Yeah. Sorry. What?
ERIC: All right, Donna. So are we cool? (she smashes a cookie into his face and leaves)
Eric is wiping off his face, Laurie is holding Marissa
ERIC: I'm not wrong. Women take care of babies. They do.
LAURIE: Listen to him, Marissa. He whines like a girl, but he's not a girl. Or maybe he is.
ERIC: The thing is, Donna's really good at it. I mean, I could understand you not wanting to stay home with your children. You already have such a fulfilling career as a whore.
LAURIE: Listen, twerp. Did you ever think maybe it's not that she doesn't want to have babies? Maybe she just doesn't want to have your skinny, whiny... girl-trapped-in-a-boy-body babies.
ERIC: Okay. That's one for you.
Kelso is sitting on the couch, only wearing his underpants. Hyde is still counting, Fez is playing with a jojo
KELSO: I'm cold.
FEZ: That must be why your nipples are so pointy (Kelso slaps him) Oh, pointy nipple man is mad. I hope he doesn't poke me with his pointy nipples.
HYDE: All right. That was really disturbing. Okay. Here we go. According to my calculations, for repairs to the van: Jackie, you owe Kelso $ 65.
KELSO: Aha! Justice!
HYDE: Yeah. And, Kelso, you oweJackie... $8,265.
JACKIE: AHA! Pay up, moocher!
KELSO: Wha-Wha...No, no. This is...That's totally unfair! Hyde, you suck.
HYDE: You could have been a man and forgiven her. But no. You wanted to do
KELSO: Man, math has never been my friend. Wait. No. But she had other guys in my van.
JACKIE: Michael, you had other girls in your van while we were dating. So, give me my $8,000.
KELSO: Okay. I change my mind. I forgive you.
FORMAN MASTER BEDROOM
Red is reading
KITTY: See, if we had a baby right now we could be giving it a bath. We could be putting it in its warm little jammies.
RED: Yeah. It's a shame that we have to crawl into bed for eight hours of uninterrupted sleep instead. Come on. You don't really want another baby.
KITTY: Well, I don't know. I only have a few years left where I even have the option.
RED: Well, just because you can have a baby doesn't mean you should. I have a snowblower, but I don't use it in July.
KITTY: Red, it just...It feels like maybe we've done everything important there is to do. We saved up. We got our house. We had our kids. Now what's left to look
RED: Peace and quiet.
KITTY: Well...I just can't believe we're never gonna hear that sound in our house again.
RED: Well, until we have grandchildren.
KITTY: Grandchildren! Oh, I forgot about grandchildren! (she leaves to check on the baby)
RED: So did I.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Laurie and Marissa are on the couch. Kitty comes down the stairs
KITTY: Oh, boy. I like the looks of that. My baby with a baby.
LAURIE: It's not that hard. I heard her crying, and I figured she needed a bottle and it turned out that she did.
KITTY: So, um... you think you might want a baby of your own?
LAURIE: Well, yeah. I mean, once my looks start to go, why not?
KITTY: All right. So, how many kids are we talking here? One? Two? Six?
LAURIE: Whoa, Mom. Ease up, okay? I'm not even down to one boyfriend yet.
KITTY: But...But you will be soon, right?
LAURIE: Well, Zeke gets out of jail in three months.
KITTY: Okay. Uh, I'm...I'm....I'm gonna go talk to Eric.
Midge is doing the dishes, Donna is walking around
DONNA: Mom...are you happy?
MIDGE: Sure. What's this about?
DONNA: I don't know. It's, like Eric said this stupid thing about me not working
when we're married and I just want to do something more meaningful with my life than have kids, you know? No offense.
MIDGE: No. No. That's okay. It's not like I never wondered what my life could have been like if I hadn't married your father. I mean, well, I could have been a
MIDGE: Or a dancing girl.
MIDGE: Oh, honey. Don't worry so much about what Eric said. You're probably not even gonna have to deal with this anyway.
DONNA: How do you figure that?
MIDGE: Well, you and Eric are so young. The chances are you're not gonna end up together anyway. (she pets Donna on the head and leaves)
ERIC (coming in): All right, Donna. That's it. We gotta figure this out. Because this is just hanging over our heads like one of those huge, awful hanging things.
DONNA (kissing him): Let's not worry about this anymore. Let's, uh, let's go for a drive, okay?
ERIC: Okay. I'm sorry. Did you want to say something else?
DONNA: No. Just....I love you.
ERIC: Oh. Enough to strip for me?
DONNA! All right.
ERIC: No. I mean I love you too. I'd strip for you.
Laurie is holding Marissa, Kitty comes in
KITTY: Laurie, her mother is waiting.
LAURIE: I don't care. I love her, and I'm not giving her back! (she looks at Kitty holding her dryer) What are you doing with that?
KITTY: Give me back the baby, missy, or, so help me...the dryer goes down.
LAURIE: You wouldn't.
KITTY: I would.
LAURIE: Fine, fine. Take her (they swap. To her dryer:) Shh, baby. You're okay now.