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(Point Place High School, after school. Hyde and Fez are waiting for Eric. Kelso
comes walking through the parking lot wearing gym shorts.)
Hyde: Hey Kelso man, what’s with the gym shorts?
Kelso: Uhh, something happened and I had to take my pants off.
Hyde: Do you shave your legs?!
Kelso: No, they’re just, uh, naturally smooth! (he looks at them.) SHUT UP! (he
walks over to the vista cruiser.)
Fez: Not to worry Kelso, the puberty bunny will visit you soon!
(Eric and his lab partner Shelly come walking over to the car. Shelly is heavily
flirting with Eric.)
Shelly: So, lab partner, I guess you and I will be spending a lot of time
together now, huh?
Eric: Yeah, and good thing, too, because I just shouldn’t be alone around a
Shelly: (giggling.) That is so funny! Lemme go tell my friends you’re driving me
home. (she walks away.)
Hyde: It looks like Shelly has a thing for Forman.
Fez: Yes, and Forman has a thing for Shelly…and it’s in his pants. (laughs.) Oh,
good one, Fez.
(they walk over to the car and get ready to get in. Kelso opens the back door.)
Kelso: Watch, Shelly’s gonna invite you over to her house while her parents
aren’t home. That’s what slutty girls do.
Shelly: (walking over and opening the car door.) So Eric, my parents are home.
Let’s go to my house.
Hyde: Huh, don’t you have a girlfriend?
Kelso: That’s what’s great about it! See, maybe Donna will get jealous and she
and Shelly will wrestle over ya!
Eric: Kelso, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!
Kelso: Think about it…
(Scene cuts to a mud pit and Shelly and Donna fighting. Eric is standing on the
side watching. He’s laughing and smiling.)
Donna: He’s mine!
Shelly: No, he’s mine!
Donna: I had him first!
Shelly: You’re going down!
(Donna grabs Shelly and flips her over. The girls continue to fight.) (scene
cuts back to the school parking lot.)
Eric: Kelso, that’s the smartest thing I’ve ever heard!
(they all get in the car and leave.)
(“That 70’s Show” theme song plays.)
** ** **
(The Hub. Shelly and Eric are doing their homework.)
Shelly: Are you sure you don’t want to study at my house? I mean, it’s just
sitting there…all empty.
Eric: Oh no, come on. This place was...this place…(He raises his voice.) THIS
PLACE WAS MADE FOR STUDYING!
Shelly: Well, OK! (she moves in closer to sit next to him.)
(Donna walks in.)
Donna: Hey Eric!
Eric: Hey! (he stands up.) It’s my girlfriend Donna! Hi, girlfriend Donna!
Shelly: Hi Donna! You know Eric, we’ll do this later, when we can be alone.
Eric: …To study! We were just studying!
Donna: Oh my god, you gotta hear this!
Eric: We were just studying! That’s all!
Donna: Eric! I’m telling a story here! Kelso was running through the cafeteria.
But there were these mashed potatoes on the floor-
Eric: She’s just my lab partner, so mellow out!
Donna: Uh huh. So, Kelso slips on the potatoes, slides into a pole, his legs
spread and he totally racks himself! And then everyone started throwing their
cheese and their carrots at him chanting “Tator Nuts! Tator Nuts!” It was
Eric: So wait, even though I’m spending time with Shelly, you’re not jealous?
Donna: I’m sorry, but you and Shelly?
Eric: What does that mean?
Donna: It means that she can have anyone!
Eric: And what does that mean?!
Donna: Aw, you’re sweet. (she goes to touch his face.)
Eric: Oh, get off me. (he pushes her away.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Kitty is making something and Red walks in.)
Kitty: So, there’s the little patient. How’d it got at the doctors?
Red: Well, let me put it this way. If a horse is in good shape, the say it’s as
healthy as me.
Kitty: Uh huh. And did they say anything about your pants being on fire,
Kitty: I just got off the phone with Dr. Legert. He said your blood pressure is
through the roof!
Red: Who are you going to believe? Some quack doctor, or the man who stood by
you while you delivered our children?
Kitty: Oh, you did not, you went out for a sub. (Red goes to sit down at the
table.) Red, from now on, I’m going to make sure you eat right. No meat, no
cheese, and no beer.
Red: No beer?! You- (he grabs his chest and groans.) OH, that’s it Kitty! You’ve
killed me! I see the light! What’s that lord? It’s okay to eat meat, and beer,
and cheese? Ok! I’ll tell her!
Kitty: What’s that lord? Dry toast and oatmeal? Will do! (she goes back to
** ** **
(The Forman’s basement. It’s “high” time, the camera spins around the table at
each person. They’re all eating whipped cream.)
Eric: Man! Donna saw Shelly practically living in my lap. How could she not be
jealous? (he squirts a big gob of whipped cream in his mouth.) I’m hot!
Fez: (he has whipped cream on his eyebrows, ears, and mouth.) It’s because you
are good hearted, decent, and pure. She knows you’re easy!
Hyde: (Eric throws him the whipped cream.) Forman, I think what we need is some
input from Tator Nuts. Tell us what you think, Tator Nuts. (he sprays some
whipped cream in his mouth.)
Kelso: (he has some whipped cream in his hand.) Eric this-(he turns to Hyde.)
HEY! STOP CALLING ME TATOR NUTS! Eric, if Donna’s not jealous, I mean, it means
you’re in the free and clear. She’s giving you the ok to cheat! You gotta cheat!
Eric: Hmm, Tator Nuts makes sense.
Kelso: (throws whipped cream at him.) QUIT IT!
Eric: (laughs for a second. He claps his hands and Hyde throws him the whipped
cream bottle.) I mean, I could be with Shelly right now if I wanted to be, so
why shouldn’t I? (he sprays whipped cream in his mouth.)
Fez: (eating the whipped cream off his face.) Because then you will have two
women while some people have none!
Hyde: (shaking his head.) Forget it Forman, you’re not a cheater. Wise man once
say, “Know thy self.” That man’s name...was Tator Nuts!
Kelso: (looks angrily at Hyde.) I gotta be honest with you guys. I do shave my
legs. I just like the way it feels! (he rubs his legs. The guys start throwing
things at him.) HEY GUYS! QUIT IT! COME ON NOW!
** ** **
(The Pinciotti’s kitchen. Jackie is getting a drink and Donna is at the table
doing her homework. Eric walks in.)
Eric: Hey Donna, look, I don’t think we’ll be able to hang out tonight. I gotta
go to the library with Shelly.
Donna: That’s cool, we can just hang out tomorrow night.
Eric: No…yeah….no, see, yeah, I’m going to have my hands full with this project
that’s due in a few days. So I’ll be alone, with Shelly. (he turns to leave and
then turns back around.) Yeah, she doesn’t wear a bra, you know.
Donna: (smiling.) Yeah, whatever. Bye!
(The door opens and Donna’s parents are walking in. Bob is talking dirty to
Midge as he’s holding her.)
Bob: Oh, farmhand got a hold of the rich lady!
Donna: (clears her throat) AHEM!
Midge: Oh, hey kids! Your dad’s not really a farmhand.
Bob: Yep, it’s just a little intimacy game we’re playing.
Midge: And it’s fun! (She runs into the living room and Bob chases her.)
Donna: I’m sorry you had to see that….I’m sorry I had to see that.
Eric: Yeah, well you know, Shelly’s waiting for me…
Donna: Yeah Eric, you said that.
Eric: OK! Bye! (he leaves.)
(Jackie grabs her binder and sits down next to Donna.)
Donna: He usually gives me a kiss goodbye.
Jackie: And to be honest, it kinda grosses me out.
Donna: Wait, Jackie, should I be worried that he’s spending so much time with
Jackie: Normally I would say yes, but Eric would never cheat on you! I mean, all
guys cheat, but I never really thought of Eric as a guy. Yeah, he’s like a
really masculine girl.
Donna: (She just stares at Jackie, kinda perplexed.) Uh huh?
Jackie: Uh huh! Kinda like you!
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Hyde comes in. Laurie and Red are at the table. Kitty is
Red: MMM! Lookie, lookie! Red beans, baked corn, and ribs! Come to papa!
(he reaches to the plate. Kitty slaps him.)
Hyde: OOO! Papa been slapped. (he takes off his glasses.)
Kitty: No, that food is for the kids. But um here, (she reaches over to the
counter and grabs a plate of some unidentifiable substance.) I boiled you some
Laurie: Eww, it’s grey!
Laurie: I mean, it’s grey! Yay!
(Red just stares at it.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s driveway. Jackie and Donna are walking around. Donna sees the
Donna: Look, he’s already home! I can’t believe I was so suspicious. He’s such a
good guy. (she reaches into her coat pocket and takes out some lipstick.) I’m
gonna write him a note. A little…’I love you.’
Jackie: (giggles.) Michael once wrote me a sexy note. But he doesn’t really know
how to spell…so I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do to him.
(Donna starts writing I LOVE YOU on the front of the Vista Cruiser’s window. she
looks into the Vista Cruiser and sees a pair of pink panties.)
Donna: (She gasps. Then she picks up the panties and shows them to Jackie.) OH
Jackie: Donna! You should not leave your panties in your boyfriend’s car!
Donna: I didn’t!
Jackie: Oh. Ohhh! (With realization:) OHHHH!
** ** **
(Eric’s basement. Hyde and Fez are playing cards. Laurie is doing her laundry.
Kelso is fiddling with something.)
Fez: Is this your card?
Fez: Is this your card?
Fez: Is this your card?
Fez: Ah, screw you.
(Laurie walks over to Kelso.)
Laurie: Hey Kelso. I had a dream about you last night.
Laurie: Yeah, we were doing stuff, and it was all hot and sweaty. And I just
kept screaming your name over and over again. TATOR NUTS! TATOR NUTS!
(Fez and Hyde start laughing.)
Kelso: (Oblivious to Laurie’s burn:) Then what?
(Laurie just gives him a look and goes back to her laundry. Donna walks in.)
Donna: Hey, Laurie, I found something in the Vista Cruiser that I think must be
Fez: Is that? Oh good heavens, it is! I’m in the presence of panties!
(There is a close up of the panties. A light is shining on it and that “in awe”
music is playing.)
Laurie: Please Donna, I don’t wear pink panties.
Hyde: She’d have to wear panties to wear pink panties.
(Laurie hits him.)
Donna: Hyde! Did you have a girl in Eric’s car?
Hyde: No. OH, but I did have some nachos in there. And to mess with Forman, I
smeared cheese underneath the seat so it would stink. Does it stink in there?
Hyde: All right!
Donna: So whose are they?!
Fez: Hello! (he gets up off the couch.) You have not asked me! Could they not be
Fez’s panties? I mean, is it that hard to imagine Fez alone in a car with a
Donna: Whose could they be!?
Kelso: (grabbing the panties out of Donna’s hand.) All right, I’ll figure this
out. I’d like to think of myself as a Columbo of panties. Yeah…I’d say we’re
looking at a woman. Ages 16-38, with a five-figure income. She lives within a
four-mile radius of here and she’s very popular with the gentleman.
Hyde: Sure she is. She’ll have sex in a car that smells like cheese.
Donna: So what you’re saying is that they could be Shelly’s. (she grabs the
Hyde: C’mon. Forman wouldn’t cheat on Donna.
Kelso: Sure he would. Shelly’s a tramp, and no man can turn down a tramp.
Hyde: Let’s find out. Laurie? Have you ever been turned down?
Laurie: (smiling.) Nope. Hyde: Well, there you have it. Sorry Donna.
Donna: Don’t feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for Eric. Cause I’m gonna KILL HIM!
(she goes to open the basement door but can’t.) Can someone please open the door
so I can KILL ERIC?!
(Fez unlocks the door and she opens it and leaves. Fez and Kelso look at each
other and run after her.)
** ** **
(The Forman’s garage. Red takes out a fast food burger and fries from his grill.
He looks around and then takes a bite. Hyde comes up behind him.)
Hyde: Hey there, Red. (Red turns around.) So does Mrs. Forman know you’re out
here clogging your arteries with a double cheese?
Red: Yes…soo…there would be no reason to tell her.
Hyde: Sorry Red, I don’t think I could lie to Mrs. Forman. Because
I…really…really love her.
Red: All right, you black mailing S.O.B. What do you want?
Hyde: Well, I could really go for some fries.
Red: Here! (he shoves the fries at Hyde.) Now beat it.
Hyde: You don’t have to be rude. (he walks away.)
** ** **
(The Pinsciotti’s kitchen. Donna is coming in from her living room. She is
buttoning her coat with the panties still in her hand. She’s really angry.
Jackie is following behind her. They stop in the middle and Donna starts
Donna: What if this wasn’t the first time?! What if there have been other
girls?! Other panties?!!
[The scene cuts to a thought sequence, where Eric and Donna are heavily making
out in his room on his bed. Her hand slowly reaches behind Eric’s pillow. She
pulls out the panties.)
Donna: Eric! Where did these panties come from?
Eric: (With a completely innocent look on his face, and an overly innocent tone
of voice:) Gee Donna, I don’t know. But there’s nothing in the dresser. Nothing
(Donna throws down the panties and walks over to Eric’s dresser. She opens the
drawer and panties come shooting out from every direction.)
Eric: (with a guilty look on his face.) Okay, well at least my closet is panty
free. Donna, you have my word.
(she walks over to the closet and opens it. More panties come flying out.)
Eric: Okay Donna, ignore the rope in the middle of the room. And whatever you
do…don’t pull it. (Donna walks over to this red and gold rope hanging down. She
pulls it and panties come cascading down.)
Donna: ERIC! How do you explain all this?
Eric: (He is sitting on his bed surrounded by panties. He is throwing panites in
the air. He’s gone completely looney.) PANTIES! GLORIOUS PANTIES! (he starts to
laugh evily.) AHAHAH! AHAHAH!
** ** **
(The Pinciotti’s kitchen. Donna in there. She’s still buttoning her coat.)
(Her parents come in.)
Bob: Hey ya, Donna. Where ya going?
Donna: (grabbing the car keys off the counter.) To the Hub to kick Eric’s ass.
Bob: Oh, well, kick it good! (She leaves. He goes into the living room. Midge,
looking confused, starts talking to Jackie.)
Midge: Jackie, why is Donna going to beat up Eric?
Jackie: Donna found another woman’s panties in the Vista Cruiser.
Midge: (gasps) Oh no!
Jackie: I know! Eric’s cheating on her!
Midge: Jackie, those panties were mine!
Jackie: You and Eric?!
Midge: No! Me and-geez, you’re dumb! (she walks away. Jackie just stands there
and looks confused.)
** ** **
(The Hub. Eric and Shelly are doing homework.)
Eric: Remember, we can’t have the protons next to the electrons because that
would be just madness! MADNESS, I SAY!
Shelly: (laughing.) Eric Forman, you are the funniest person I’ve ever met.
Eric: Nah, I wouldn’t go as-well yes, yes I am.
Shelly: Doesn’t your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
Eric: No, apparently she’s thrilled about it.
Shelly: Well then, she’s crazy, because if you were my boyfriend, I’d want to
kiss you all the time.
(Shelly leans across the table and kisses Eric. He gets up and backs away.)
Eric: Whoa! Hey! Come on now lady! I’m spoken for! Man! (pretending to be
(Kelso and Fez come in.)
Kelso: Did we miss anything?b Eric: (worried) No! You didn’t miss anything!
(Donna barges in. Fez and Kelso start pushing people back.)
Kelso: All right people! Let’s back up! Give her some room here!
Eric: (his voice cracks.) Hey, Donna! Hi! Hello!
Donna: (imitating him.) Don’t “Hey, Donna, hi, hello” me! I trusted you and you
cheated on me with this slut!
Eric: Uh Donna, I don’t think-
Shelly: Excuse me?!
Donna: Yeah, that’s right! I said it! You wanna piece of me?! C’mon!
Eric: Hey! (he jumps in between Shelly and Donna.) Donna, whatever you think
Donna: I know what happened! I found these in your car! (she holds up the
Fez: (standing next to Kelso.) Ah, so he admits they’re panties.
Donna: Hey, next time you fool around with someone’s boyfriend…why don’t you
take your panties when you’re done?
Shelly: Those aren’t mine. Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose
on the front.
(Kelso, Hyde and Fez are standing next to each other imagining this. A little
bubble pops up and shows them thinking about her panties. Donna interrupts them
by hitting Eric.)
Donna: So these are some other girl’s panties?
Kelso: No offense, Donna, but, dude, you’re on fire!
Shelly: You know what, Eric? I don’t need this. (she leaves. But turns back
around half way.) Oh, by the way, you’re car…smells like cheese.
Eric: Donna, you have to believe me. I have no idea whose panties those are!
(Donna’s mother comes running in and grabs the panties from Donna.)
Midge: Donna! Those panties are mine.
Fez & Kelso: ERIC! YOU ARE A GOD! (they start bowing.) A GOD I SAY!
Donna: (pulling her mother to the side.) Um, Mom, why are your panties in the
Fez: And please be specific.
Midge: Donna, when you’ve been together with your father as long as I have…you
need to do creative things…in creative places.
Fez & Kelso: (disgusted.) UGH!
** ** **
(The Forman’s kitchen. Laurie and Kitty are eating fried chicken and potatoes.
Red is served mush. Kitty gets up.)
Laurie: Pst! Daddy here! (she holds up a piece of fried chicken and Red starts
eating it. She puts it back down when Kitty turns around.)
(Hyde walks in and sits down at his place.)
Hyde: Hey Red, you’re eating again? I thought you’d be full after that burger.
Hyde: Uh, yeah, the broccoli burger!
Kitty: Oh, you are lying!
Red: Kitty! This isn’t food! This is what food eats!
Kitty: But it’s good for you!
Red: Well, if it’s so good, why am I the only one who has to eat it?
Kitty: Good point. (she grabs Laurie and Hyde’s plates. She replaces them with
new ones piled with the mush stuff.)
Hyde: HEY! But he’s the food sneaker!
Kitty: There! Eat up!
Red: You wanna try messing with me again? You just come right on back.
** ** **
(The Forman’s drive way. Donna and Eric are sitting on top of the Vista Cruiser.
Eric is bouncing a basket ball.)
Eric: Say it again.
Donna: I already said it!
Eric: Come on…one more time.
Donna: You’re hot! (she grabs the ball.)
Eric: (grabbing the ball back.) Hot enough to get Shelly?
Donna: Hot enough to get Shelly.
Eric: Hot enough to get any girl I want?
Donna: Hot enough to get Shelly.
Eric: Heh. Yeah, that’s just good stuff.
Donna: Eric, you don’t have to rub it in, I know I made an ass out of myself
Eric: Well, that’s what you get for taking me for granted. Cause, Donna, I may
be skinny, but…you know, I’m Mick Jagger skinny, and that’s very in right now.
Yep, it’s very hot.
Donna: Eric, I know you’re hot. Cause you’re with me. (she kisses him and grabs
the ball and takes a shot.)
Eric: (claps) Okay, what’d we learn from all this?
Donna: Always lock the doors to the Vista Cruiser. (she sinks the shot.)
Eric: Right you are.