Hyde, Kelso, Eric and Fez walk into a bar
ERIC: All right. They didn't even check our fake I.D.'s.
FEZ: And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
HYDE: Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.
BUD: So, fellas, school let out early?
KELSO: Yeah. We're just....
ERIC: Kelso, shut up!
KELSO: Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
BUD: Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor
License" Saloon (to Hyde) You look familiar. Do I know you?
HYDE: I should hope so... Dad.
BUD: Hey! Steven! (he shakes his hand)
KELSO: Wow! So you're Hyde's Dad?
BUD: Well, that's what his mother says. Hahahaha! (to Hyde) Kidding.
FEZ: Hello, Mr. Hyde's Dad. I am Pez. I've heard much about you.
BUD: Good things, I hope.
FEZ: Well, if running out on your family and becoming a drunk is good, then, yes.
ERIC: Okay, guys. Let's... look over here (they all walk off, leaving Hyde with his father)
BUD: Wow! Look at you! You're... bigger... and you got your mom's hair...and her sideburns. So, how long has it been?
HYDE: Eight years, 51 days.
BUD: Wow! [Laughs] Time really flies when you're...
BUD: Y-Well. I was gonna say "havin' fun," but...[Laughs] same thing.
HYDE: Yeah, so, uh, how long you been back for?
BUD: Well, let's see. Ah, that must be about a year.
HYDE: A year?
BUD: Yeah! Hey, I was gonna call ya.
HYDE: Oh, you were gonna call me? Oh, man, that makes you, like... I don't
know, what, father of the year? I'll see you around, Dad (he leaves)
ERIC: Oh, man, Hyde's upset. Better go see how he is.
KELSO: Yep. One more round, we'll go see how he is.
Kelso is flipping through a PlayPen, Fez is watching over his shoulder
KELSO: Hello! She is just my type: Naked.
FEZ: I too, like the naked ladies. I find them so... naked.
DONNA: Yeah, that's realistic. I think I'm gonna change the oil in my car... but first I'm gonna take off everything but my cowboy boots.
ERIC: Well sure, I mean if you're in bare feet, you could slip in the oil. Come on, Donna. Safety first.
KELSO: Whoa! Surefire ways to pick up women [Scoffs] What kind of lonely losers read this stuff anyway?
FEZ: Gimme! "Look deep into her eyes, and use her name often... showing that this conversation is just for her" [Clears Throat] Hey, Donna. I think they're onto something, Donna. What do you think, Donna?
DONNA: Oh, my God. I'm taking off my shirt. Stop it, hands! Stop it!
Red, Laurie, Hyde, Kitty and Eric
KITTY: Well, Steven, honey, you haven't touched your sandwich. You feel okay?
HYDE: Yeah. I'm just not hungry.
LAURIE: Oh, Steven. Are you finally tired of freeloading?
KITTY: Can it, Laurie.
LAURIE: All I'm saying is Daddy works really hard... and nothing here is cheap.
ERIC: Except you.
LAURIE: Believe me. I'm not cheap.
ERIC: Fine. "Free." Whatever.
LEO (coming in): Hey, honey, I'm home!
RED: Oh, good. The hippie's here.
LEO: Hyde, man, your dad come by lookin' for you, man. Which is really freaky
'cause I thought this bald dude was your dad.
HYDE: Thanks, Leo (he leaves the table, Leo takes his place)
KITTY: Steven's father is in town?
LAURIE: Yeah, right. Like he even knows who his father is.
RED: Eric, you know something about this?
ERIC: She's a bitch. Right. Okay. Uh, yeah. We bumped into Hyde's dad last
night. He'd been back in town, like, a year....hadn't even talked to his own son.
LEO: Cool. Egg salad.
KITTY: Well, I'm gonna talk to Steven...and see how he's feeling about this.
ERIC: You know what, Mom? I wouldn't do that. Hyde likes to bottle those things
RED: Good for him. That's where those feelings should be kept.
KITTY: Well, what is he gonna do? Pretend he doesn't have a father?
RED: Kitty, this is a family issue, and, for once, it's not about our family. Look,
the bond between a father and a son...is complex and subtle (to Eric) You wipe that damn smirk off your face!
KITTY: Red, when we took that boy into our home... it became our job to see him through thick and thin...and now it's thick... or thin... I don't know, but he needs us.
LEO: Cool egg salad, man.
RED: Fine. Stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. Go ahead.
KITTY: Okay. Will do. Bud's comin' over for drinks tonight.
ERIC: Uh, Mom, do you really want to invite an alcoholic over for cocktails?
KITTY: Oh, right. Okay, well, I'll just, um... I'll make him a nice Shirley Temple... and he can fill up on cheese.
Donna and Eric are making out, until Donna spots a magazine on the floor
DONNA: You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? (she gets up to look under his bed)
ERIC: What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?
DONNA: Why do you have these down here?
ERIC: Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about
DONNA: Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? (she throws the magazines at him)
ERIC: No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
DONNA: You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here (she leaves)
ERIC: Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.
Fez is waiting for Jackie
FEZ: Hello, Jackie. How are you, Jackie?
FEZ: I'm glad, Jackie. I, too, am fine, Jackie.
JACKIE: Do I have a sty?
FEZ: No, Jackie. You, Jackie, do not have a sty...Jackie.
JACKIE: Okay...Fez. I don't know what you're doing, Fez... but stop doing it, Fez.
FEZ: Oh, no. Now I am turned on.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Leo is sitting on the couch, Kitty and Red are standing
LEO: Oh, wow, man. Look at all these different nuts intermingling in one bowl. It's like "Nutstock," man.
RED: Kitty, I think we should rethink... our "Don't Throw Leo Out On His Ass" policy.
KITTY: No, no. Leo stuck around because he cares about Steven.
LEO: And, plus, I can't find my shoes, man.
HYDE (coming down the stairs): Hey. What's goin' on?
KITTY: Oh, good news, Steven. Your dad's coming over tonight.
HYDE: Screw that! (he walks off)
KITTY: No, Steven, it's a good thing, I think.
HYDE: I got nothing to say to him! (he walks to the kitchen)
KITTY: Well, we have fancy nut mix! (she runs after him)
Red opens the door
BUD: Hey, Red! Remember me?
RED: Of course. I wasn't the one passed out in the gutter.
BUD: Yeah, I have this weird condition... where I drink a case of beer and fall
down. Hey, Red. Man, you're lookin' good. Have you lost, um... hair?
RED: Steven'll be right out.
LEO: Hey, man, nice shoes. Are those mine?
HYDE (walking out of the kitchen): Hello, Bud.
HYDE (to Kitty): Can I go now?
KITTY: It's "May I go" and no.
RED: So, Bud... can I get you a drink?
KITTY: Aahahaaha! A drink! A drink of soda. A nice drink of soda, Bud. Plus, we
BUD: Soda sounds great, Kitty. Yeah, I'm off the hooch.
KITTY: Oh, really? (to Hyde) So, no more boozing?
HYDE: I heard him.
BUD: Yep. I can finally see clearly.
LEO: Isn't it great, man?
BUD: It is. I got a job and an apartment. Color TV.
KITTY: Ooh, color TV. That's nice.
HYDE: Wow, Bud, you're doing great now, huh? Color TV? Man. I remember when
I was a kid, I didn't even have a father (he gets up and walks off again)
RED: Well, well. Who could have foreseen this terrible...
KITTY: Can it.
FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE
Fez, Hyde, Kelso and Donna are in the circle.
FEZ (with a magazine in his hands): Jackie didn't give me the time of the day. I hate this stupid magazine. Oh, no. I didn't mean it. I love you (cuddles magazine)
HYDE (holding a PlayPen): Hey, Fez. Check this out. "Tight pants turn a man's derriere into a lady's dream... "and an open shirt shows a sexy chest...and an irresistible joie de vivre."
FEZ: Really? I always thought my joie de vivre was in my pants.
DONNA: Okay. I can't believe I'm asking you guys this... but if any of you losers
had a girlfriend... would you still look at those magazines?
KELSO: Hey, I had two girlfriends...and a little action on the side...and I still looked at those magazines.
HYDE: You had action on the side? Who?
KELSO: You don't know her. She went to Sacred Heart.
DONNA: Okay. Anybody here have an opinion who's not a skeevy pig?
FEZ: I'm glad you asked, Donna. If I had Jackie, I would never look at those
magazines... Unless she's on the phone or went shopping... or took a short nap.
HYDE: Look, Donna... this is just the way guys are. Okay? I mean if Forman was actually dating the "Naughty Campus Coeds"... he'd be locked in a bathroom looking at naked pictures of you.
KELSO: He's right, so...Are there naked pictures of you?
Donna jumps on him
KELSO: Awww...My leg!
HYDE: Hey, knee him in the groin!
HYDE: Oh, my, God! She did it! Hahahaha!
Kitty and Hyde sit down at the kitchen table
KITTY: So...how's your cocoa?
HYDE: Chocolaty good. Thanks.
KITTY: That's good 'cause I think your father has really changed. He is not the
same man I used to know and the marshmallows make it extra good.
HYDE: Well, at least you knew him, Mrs. Forman, 'cause I never did.
KITTY: Okay, well, here's your chance. Maybe now you can make some new,
happy memories. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
Hyde starts to think. He is on the Forman driveway with his dad. They are working on a car. The engine starts and Hyde and his dad shake hands and cheer. Then they are playing baseball, Hyde hits his dad in the groin. Then a shot of Hyde in his bed, waking up screaming from a nightmare. His dad comes running in with a can of beer in his hand. He gives Hyde the beer.
HYDE: Yeah, you know what, Mrs. Forman? No.
KITTY: Are you sure? 'Cause I kinda think you're bottling things up.
HYDE (shouts) : I'm not bottling anything! (he gets up and leaves)
Eric is laying on his bed and picks up a magazine from under it
ERIC: Well, hi, there, beautiful. And how are you?
SEXY LIBRARIAN: Not good, you dirtbag.
ERIC: That's what I thought you'd...Excuse me?
SEXY LIBRARIAN: I am not going to help you cheat on your girlfriend.
ERIC: But I don't have a girlfriend, you... silly librarian.
SEXY LIBRARIAN: Don't you lie to me. I heard everything. I was right under that mattress... and that Donna sounded really upset.
ERIC: No! No, no. Sh-She's okay. Really.
SEXY LIBRARIAN: Excuse me. My turnoffs include unfaithful men. Didn't you read
ERIC: Um...l...You know, I was just getting to it.
SEXY LIBRARIAN: Sorry, but Donna is a nice girl... and you are a...filthy, filthy boy! You filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy... filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy, filthy boy!
Eric throws the magazine away
Bud is sweeping the floor, Hyde comes bursting through the door
HYDE: Hey! You can't ditch me, then walk back into my life eight years later... and expect everything to be okay. You screwed me!
BUD: I did. You're right. I know.
HYDE: And... You what? You know? What do you mean you know?
BUD: I got no excuse. I was a jerk. I've been a jerk my whole life. And all I can do is tell you I'm sorry... and hope that you'll believe me.
HYDE: You jerk! How am I supposed to yell at you now? I was gonna yell! I was gonna tell you off!
BUD: I think you should. I mean, you wanna yell? Go ahead. I deserve it.
HYDE: You're ju...You're caving? That just makes it worse! Come on, man. Give
BUD: You want a.....beer?
HYDE: Yeah! Give me a beer!
Kelso and Jackie are watching TV. Fez comes in, wearing tight pants and an open
FEZ: Well, hello, Jackie.
JACKIE (without looking at him): Hey, Fez.
KELSO: Hey, Fez. Nice ass!
FEZ: Why, thank you, Kelso.
JACKIE: Oh, my God. What the hell's that smell?
FEZ: Well, Jackie, it's a combination of musk... and a little thing I like to call
"Fez." (he leans over to her)
JACKIE: Whoa, Fez! What are you doing?
FEZ: Showing off my joie de vivre. You like?
FEZ: So, what? This was all a waste? The pants, the chest, the manly smell... the
"Jackie, hello, Jackie, Jackie... Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie"...Worthless?
KELSO: Not worthless...Hilarious.
JACKIE: Okay, look, Fez, you're not bad-looking. I mean, some girls like that
exotic, grimy look, but only the cheapest, most sluttiest girls will like that.
FEZ: I see.
Laurie comes down the stairs to get something from the cabinet
LAURIE (looking at Fez): Damn, Fez! Looking good.
Hyde and his dad walk up
HYDE: Hey, so, thanks for the singles at the nudie bar, huh.
BUD: Hey, hey, hey! You gotta tip the girls or they ignore ya.
BUD: So, they takin' care of you here?
HYDE: Yeah, yeah. It's good. It's great.
BUD: It's a nice place.
HYDE: Oh, yeah.
BUD: That's nice. I like my place too. It's good. It's got an extra room.
HYDE: That's cool.
BUD: Yeah. So, if you ever wanna, you know, come by or whatever. You know?
I'm not usin' the extra room. Hence, the term extra room. Yeah. Yeah, the rent's due, but...they don't evict you for, like, three months... so, I still got... two days.
HYDE: So, you lookin' for a loan, Bud?
Kitty is spying oot of the window, Red is fixing a mixer
KITTY: Well, will ya look at that? A father and son brought together by...Oh, my
goodness! I think it was me!
RED: Don't gloat, Kitty.
KITTY: Mr. Wrongie!
RED: Fine. Once in 26 years! Live it up, Kitty! (he gets up, looks out the window
and sees that Hyde is giving Bud some money) Oh, crap.
Eric has Donna's eyes covered as he leads her into his bedroom
DONNA: Wow, Eric. It's a room.
ERIC: Not just any room. See? No more dirty magazines. I threw 'em all out. And you know what, Donna? I don't miss 'em.
DONNA: Eric, you didn't have to do that. I mean, I understand why you need them.
ERIC: You do?
DONNA: Yes! You're disgusting!
DONNA: It's okay. All guys are. You're a revolting gender.
ERIC: You know, we really are.
DONNA: But you're disgusting in a cute, harmless way... and I guess I love you
ERIC: I love you too.
DONNA: Let me make it up to you. I can have a naked girl in here in 10 seconds.
ERIC: Oh, great. Send her in. I'll see you later.
DONNA: Shut up!
Red is waiting at the kitchen table. Hyde walks in with his bags packed
RED: Steven, good. I wanted to have a talk with you. What are you doin'?
BUD: Oh. I'm movin' in with Bud.
RED: You're movin' in with Bud?
HYDE: Yeah, Red. It's gonna be okay.
RED: No, it's not gonna be okay. Steven, your dad is not... good.
HYDE: Yeah. I know, but, you know, he's my dad.
RED: Yeah. He's your dad.
HYDE: Yeah. Anyway. Red, thanks for everything. You know? Really. Hey, do me a favor. Would you tell Mrs. Forman? Cause I don't want to have to deal with the whole crying thing.
RED: You think I do? Nah, I'll just tell her that, you know...Anytime you need a
place to stay, you're welcome here. That'll make her feel better.
HYDE: Yeah. That sounds good. Thanks.
RED (clears throat): Yeah, so, what? You don't wanna hug, do ya?
HYDE (chuckles): God, no.
RED: Good. 'Cause you're not gettin' one.
They hug, and then Steven leaves
Eric is on his bed, reading a dirty magazine
ERIC: Well, sis-boom-bah.
SEXY CHEERLEADER: Sure this is okay?
ERIC: Oh, yeah, yeah. Before you got here... I got the thumbs-up from the old ball and chain. She's great. You'd like her.
SEXY CHEERLEADER: Oh. Well, if she's so great, are you sure you need me?
ERIC: Look, I've been over this again and again and again...And, yes, I do.
SEXY CHEERLEADER: Okay (she takes her top off)
ERIC: Well, yaaayy team!