Eric, Kelso and Fez
ERIC (with an Etch a Sketch in his hands): Man, who'd have thought? Hyde getting busted for possession. I mean, I always thought it'd be, like, armed robbery or... pimping. You know, something cool.
KELSO (giggling): Yeah, Hyde in jail. Hey, guys, do you think he's anyone's girlfriend yet?
FEZ: Kelso, he's been in jail for three hours. Of course he's someone's girlfriend. He has very pretty eyes.
ERIC: Well, if he was someone's girlfriend, I think it might look something like this (he shows a drawing he made with the Etch a Sketch)
KELSO: Yeah (talking to the drawing) Hey there, curlicue, would you like to perform an unspeakable act on me... or would you prefer that I perform one on you? (High-pitched Voice) Well, they both sound good. Dealer's choice.
FEZ (taking the drawing): You have done a horrible thing with a children's toy.
A hand takes the Etch a Sketch from Fez
HYDE: Huh. Bet you didn't want me to see this, did ya?
ERIC (taking the Etch a Sketch and shaking it): Hey! Welcome back, man! We were worried about...I'm sorry. I'm just....I'm so sorry.
KELSO: Yeah, uh- You know, curlicue... is- can be - is a term of endearment.
FEZ: So, when do we meet your new fella?
Red is sitting down at the kitchen table. Kitty is standing
KITTY: Red, we really need to talk about...
RED: No. No. No!
RED: No! I don't want to talk about Steven! Subject closed.
RED: For God's sakes, Kitty. We took him into our home. We treated him like our
ERIC (looking into the fridge): Treat him better than your own son.
RED: I'll tell you one thing. I'm not bailing him out. He can rot in that jail, for all I care.
ERIC: Actually, uh, they already let him out. Gave him probation.
RED: Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how they treat their
criminals in Russia? First offense, five years in Siberia. Second offense, ten years. Believe you me, there is no third offense.
KITTY: Unless the criminal likes to make snow angels. Ahahahaha!
RED: Hey. Steven brought that stuff into my house. And I'm puttin'a stop to it before things get out of control.
KITTY: Oh, out of control how?
RED: Well, I'll tell you how....
Black and white 1930's shot of the Forman porch with the title "The Dope Fiends".
Hyde is standing on the porch with a hat on his head. Eric walks out with a bunch of flowers in his hand. He is also dressed like someone from the 1930's
HYDE: Say, chum, where ya headed?
ERIC: Just to see my best girl Donna, that's where. We're gonna split a soda pop. It'll be keen.
HYDE: Soda pop, eh? I have something that's even keener than soda pop. It's called marijuana.
HYDE: Come. I'll show you (he throws the flowers away)
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Ragtime music is playing and Jackie is dancing on it like a madwoman. Kelso is sitting in a chair laughing hysterically
ERIC: Hyde, you were right. Marijuana's the bee's knees.
HYDE: Yep. All it takes is one puff to make you hopelessly addicted.
ERIC: I am... hopelessly addicted.
Kelso is still laughing hysterically. Fez comes in with a bag
FEZ: Here's a new shipment, fresh from whatever-the-hell country I am from.
Donna walks in
DONNA: Gee whillikers, Eric. Where have you been? You missed choir practice.
ERIC: Sorry, dollface. But now, thanks to marijuana, I'm incurably insane.
Close-up shots from Eric's head, sweating and looking terrified, then back to the living room
DONNA: Well, I'm not gonna let a swell kid like you ruin your life (she takes the bag from Eric and tries to walk off)
HYDE (drawing a gun and pointing it at Donna): Not so fast, sister. I need that for the schoolchildren.
ERIC: No! (he wrestles with Hyde over the gun) GUNSHOT, Donna falls to the floor
DONNA: Alas, marijuana has ended my young, promising life.
Red comes in through the front door
RED: This is what's happening all over America. And it could happen in your home, or yours, or yours!
Back in the 70's
KITTY: I just don't think that's gonna happen, Red.
RED (to Eric): Has Hyde ever pressured you to use this stuff?
ERIC: No. Absolutely not. In fact...Yeah, I can honestly say I have never felt any
Red smiles and pats him on the shoulder
Hyde is sitting at a table, Jackie walks up to him from behind and puts her hands over his eyes
JACKIE: Guess who?
HYDE: It's either Jackie or the cold, clammy hands of death.
JACKIE: It's Jackie!
HYDE (sighs): Damn it.
JACKIE: Oh, Steven, my hero. When that cop found my bag, and you said it was
yours, and they sent you to the big house... it was, like,the most romantic thing
HYDE: Yeah, maybe for you. I was deloused.
Leo comes out of the toilet
LEO: Hey, man, you missed your shift at the Fotohut. You better have a damn good excuse.
HYDE: I got busted.
LEO: Damn. That's a good excuse. So what'd they get you for?
JACKIE: For loving me (she takes Hyde's hand)
LEO (laughs): 'Cause she's, like, 14 ?
HYDE: I got busted for possession.
LEO: Oh, man. Join the club.
HYDE: Yeah, thanks.
LEO: No. I mean, join the club, man. We meet every Thursday. We're tryin' to
raise money for a field trip to Amsterdam.
Red is taking out the trash, Bob and Midge walk up to him
RED: Hey there, Red. Takin' out the trash, I see (clears throat) Yeah, well, better
late than never.
RED: Is that supposed to mean something, Bob?
BOB: No. Just happened to notice that that low-life Hyde you've been harboring...
has been busted for possession.
MIDGE (gasps): My gosh! That stuff was right here in our own neighborhood? And to think of all the times we had to drive across town...to get it!
BOB: X-nay, Midge!
Red, Laurie, Hyde, Eric and Kitty are sitting down having breakfast
KITTY: Well...as you all know, we had a little incident yesterday. And I think that as a family, we should discuss rational solutions... to make sure that this never happens again.
LAURIE: Can I start? Um, I'm not comfortable living with a criminal. I think we should kick Hyde out. All in favor?
KITTY: Laurie, stop it. Red, what do you think?
LAURIE: Kick him out! Kick him out! Kick him out! Kick him out!
KITTY: Laurie, there is no way we're kicking Steven out.
RED: Steven, we're kicking you out.
LAURIE: Yay, Daddy!
ERIC: What? Dad, that's not fair.
RED: Not fair? I took him in. I gave him a shot. He blew it. It's his fault. Look, I
don't want it in my house. I don't want it around you two. I just don't want it!
KITTY: Red, putting him out on the street is not the solution. This young man needs our guidance now more than ever.
HYDE: No, Mrs. Forman. It's cool. If, uh, Red thinks that I'm not good enough to live in this house... then I guess I'm not (he gets up and walks out)
ERIC (shouting): You know what? You're....You're bull....I'm....You're very....I'm...I'm very mad at you! (he walks off)
Kelso, Fez, Donna and Eric watch Hyde pack his things
ERIC: God, this sucks! I can't believe Red's kicking you out. I mean, I'm sorry,
where are you supposed to go?
HYDE: I'm gonna go to the Fotohut. I'll sleep on the floor. They got a hose out back. Mrs. Forman made me a sandwich.
Fez is smelling Hyde's sandwhich
ERIC: Man, this is so wrong! Look I'm not gonna let you get kicked out for
something we all do.
KELSO: Hey, hey, don't go draggin' me into this.
ERIC: You know what? I'm gonna tell Red that I do it too.
DONNA: Have you suddenly become the stupidest man ever? I mean, is Kelso no longer the reigning king?
KELSO: Oh, I'm the king.
ERIC: This can work. If I tell Red, then he's gonna be a hypocrite for kicking you out... and not making me go with him. Because, I mean, he can't kick me out. Because, deep down, he loves me.
HYDE: Look, Forman. I appreciate what you're trying to do, you know? But you getting into trouble is not going to help me get out of trouble, okay? Okay?
HYDE: Okay. Everybody just stop worrying, all right? I'll be fine.
FEZ: Yes. It will be good for you in the Fotohut. Maybe you will develop some
character (laughs) Get it? Develop? (laughs, everyone else is silent) Oh, fine. I
guess I'm not funny. Kiss my brown ass.
FORMAN LIVING ROOM
Red is sitting in his chair, Leo is sitting on the couch
KITTY: Here's your tea, Leo.
LEO: Oh, wow. Tea, man. That's, like, exotic (giggles) Hey, look at me. I'm the king of England! Off with her head. Tea (giggles)
KITTY: Well, um... I think it's great that Steven has a boss who cares enough to...to come over and talk to us on his behalf. So, um, I'm just gonna let you fellas get to know each other. Sit up straight, Leo (she leaves)
LEO: Hey, man, I don't think you should kick Hyde out, because he's a good kid.
RED: He's a doper.
LEO: Well, you say that like it's a bad thing, man. Hey, I'm gonna let you in on a
little secret. I've indulged once or twice myself.
RED (sarcastic): Really? I'm shocked.
LEO: Yeah, I know. Upstanding businessman. Last guy you'd expect. But it's true, man.
RED: Well, Mr... Hippie. If you say so, that's good enough for me (he gestures to Leo)
LEO: Oh, that's great, man (he folds himself comfortably on the couch) Now, please, get out of my house.
Jackie is humming and writing
DONNA: Okay, what are you writing? (reads aloud) Jackie and Steven Hyde. Mrs. Jackie Hyde. Dr. And Mrs. Steven Hyde? All right, what's going on?
JACKIE: Okay. Donna, Steven and I are in love!
DONNA: Um, you do know that he once compared you to a tick, right?
JACKIE: Oh, really? Well, if he thinks I'm such a tick...then why'd he tell the cops the bag was his when it was actually mine?
DONNA: Are you telling me that bag was yours?
JACKIE: Yeah! And he went to jail for it! Isn't that fabulous?
DONNA: Oh, my God. You... tick! You're the reason this whole mess happened.
JACKIE: Oh, Donna, stop. My head is-Whoo!
DONNA: Jackie, you have to tell the Formans what happened. Do you know that Red is kicking Hyde out?
JACKIE: Oh, God. No, no, Donna. That's perfect! When Hyde is on the streets,
he'll have to turn to me. And as I care for him and buy him stuff, his love for me will grow.
DONNA: Oh, my God. Fine. I'm telling them.
JACKIE: No! No, no, no. You cannot ruin this for me, moose!
DONNA: Don't tell me what to do, midget.
JACKIE: No! (she jumps on Donna's back and they fall to the floor)
Red, Kitty and Donna are sitting at the kitchen table
KITTY: Well, well. Turns out you were all wrong about Steven. And you wanted to
kick him out.
RED: Yes, well...Thanks for telling us the truth, Donna.
KITTY: And we know it wasn't easy for you... especially with Jackie choking you
the whole time.
Steven walks into the kitchen with his bags all packed. He throws some keys on the table
RED: Um, Steven, wait. You can stay (he hands him back the keys)
HYDE: Cool (he takes the keys and walks to the basement)
KITTY: Wait, wait, wait. Wait (to Red) That's it? Isn't there anything else you would like to say to this brave and noble young man?
RED (sighs): You're right, Kitty (to Hyde) Dumb-ass! Do you realize that you put your entire future at risk?
Red starts to drone on: What kind of a moron would go and take the fall for some little- Crying and crying and crying. WWhen she's upset, I'm upset...And the next thing you know- I had to have tea with that greasy old hippie. And now I have hippie stink on my couch. Let me tell you something else. If you ever do anything like that again...I will kick your ass so hard your nose will bleed!
KITTY: And we love you.
HYDE: So, uh, just so I'm clear...everything's back to normal, right?
RED: Yeah, yeah, everything's back-
ERIC (storming in): All right, Dad! I've got something to say!
DONNA: Eric, for the love of God, don't.
ERIC: Dad, I do it too. That's right. So you can't kick Hyde out.
KITTY: Honey, we already decided not to kick Hyde out.
ERIC: Oh. Then...yaaayyy.....
RED: So, you do it too, huh? Since when?
ERIC: Since when? (he looks at Hyde)
Cut to the Forman basement with a very young Hyde, Eric and Kelso. Hyde lights up some incense
YOUNG ERIC: I am so baked. I think. No, yeah, I am. I think.
YOUNG KELSO: You know, guys, I've been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school....studying, reading, homework. Well, that's over. Thanks, Hyde.
YOUNG HYDE: Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom. If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.
YOUNG KELSO: You have the best mom ever.
YOUNG HYDE: Hey, guys, you know what? Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna. And I felt her boob. It was beautiful... and squishy.
YOUNG KELSO: Squishy. Hey, guys, I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher. And when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed.
YOUNG HYDE: Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die. Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?
YOUNG KELSO: Yeah. Noo! I meant my Spanish teacher. She's a girl. Man! What's in this stuff?
YOUNG ERIC: Hey, guys, I'm having the best time ever. I think. No, yeah, I am.
Back to the Forman kitchen, Eric and Hyde are staring into space
RED: Eric? Eric! Are you on it right now? I asked you a question. Since when have you been using this?
ERIC: Uh, 'bout a week ago tomorrow.
DONNA: Um, what? Yeah! Coming, Mom! (she runs off)
KITTY: Okay. Okay, now. You're both smart boys. What were you thinking?
ERIC: Well, l- I'm not-
HYDE: Oh, oh, um....The problem was that we weren't thinking.
ERIC: We weren't thinking. And, you know, with the times... we're living in.
HYDE: Yeah, the times are, like....
ERIC: And, um...
KITTY: Peer pressure.
ERIC: And the peer pressure. Thank you, Mom.
ERIC: Yeah, and I found that today, the need to experiment.....
RED: Oh! Don't try this blaming society crap with me. You know whose fault this is? Do you? Do you?
ERIC: Well, I have a pretty good idea.
RED: It's mine.
ERIC: Oh. All right.
RED: The problem is... I've been too lenient. So, from now on, no more easygoin', devil-may-care, everybody's-best-friend dad.
KITTY (laughing nervously): I'm just.....I'm so very nervous.
RED: I'm cracking down. And I'm cracking down hard. Starting right now...fun time is over! (he leaves)
ERIC: So where was I for fun time?
KELSO (to Donna): Take it back!
DONNA: No, Kelso. I'm sorry. Confessing to Red makes Eric the king.
KELSO: Hey, I shot my toe with a B.B. Gun once.
DONNA: You're right, Kelso. You're the king.
KELSO: Thank you!
DONNA (to Eric): I mean, when I say, "For the love of God, don't." Then, for the
love of God, don't.
ERIC: Donna, that could have meant anything. Okay. I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake.
JACKIE: All right, excuse me. But I think we've all lost sight of what's really important here. We're in love.
HYDE: All right, all right. You know what? Enough of your girly fantasy crap. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for you. So get this through your little Easy-Bake Oven head: I don't love you. I don't like you. I can barely stand to look at you. Okay?
JACKIE: Oh, Steven, you're such a bad liar! (she hugs him)
Red comes in and sniffs around
RED: All right. Well, don't mind me. I'm just here to install this... smoke detector.
KELSO: Smoke detector? Does that detect any kind of smoke?
DONNA: Long live the king.
FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE
YOUNG ERIC: Hey, guys, look what I found in my sister Laurie's drawer. Mints. A whole month's worth.
YOUNG KELSO (eating one): They're not minty.
YOUNG HYDE: They're not mints. They're birth control pills, you headgear-wearing moron.
YOUNG KELSO: Hey, when I grow up, I'm gonna be handsome.
YOUNG HYDE: Really? Did your Mommy tell you that?
YOUNG KELSO: Yeah.
YOUNG ERIC: Kelso, you're the king.