Everyone is in the basement. Jackie comes in
JACKIE: Okay you guys. I just got an advanced copy of the yearbook. And you’ll all be happy to know that 1977 is my cutest year ever! (she holds the yearbook)
ERIC: Jackie that is so weird. Because I was just telling the gang how there is no way that you can be cuter then last year.
JACKIE: You were?!
KELSO: I for one, totally believe that you are cuter this year.
JACKIE: Yeah, since I dumped you.
DONNA: Nice burn!
KELSO: Donna, we’ve talked about that!
JACKIE: Hey Steven, want to pop some popcorn and look at all the yearbook pictures of me?
HYDE: No, I figure I do plenty of that when I die and go to hell.
JACKIE (laughing): God, you’re such a card!
FEZ: This is so exciting. My first American yearbook! (he goes to sit next to Jackie) Show us some pictures of Fez!
JACKIE: Sorry Fez, there aren’t any.
FEZ: What the hell? So, they don’t let foreigners in your yearbook.
JACKIE: Uhuhhh…(Steven is holding the yearbook) Here’s me cheering at the
pep-rally last fall.
HYDE: Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! (they all rush up to take a look) You’re all cheering away and the whole time you’re getting mooned. Yeeeaahh!
ERIC: Oh my God. That’s a girl-butt! Hee-hee! There is girl-butt in the yearbook! Oh man, I can’t tell who it is. I wish we had a magnifying glass.
KELSO: Oh, here you go (he pulls a magnifying glass from his pants)(they all look at him) I was just playing with some bugs..
JACKIE: God, I can’t believe it. Someone’s nasty butt is in my picture.
ERIC (holding the magnifying glass): Oh my God! That’s not girl-butt… THAT’S DONNA BUTT!
Donna nods yes, smiling and proud. They all look at Donna’s butt, then look at the yearbook again.
They are all still looking at the picture. Eric gets up
DONNA: Eric? Are you okay, cause you look weird.
KELSO: Yeah could it be because of your girlfriend’s naked butt? (he holds the
yearbook and takes a closer look)
DONNA: Kelso, you’re not helping.
KELSO: I’m not trying to help!
DONNA: Eric, it’s no big deal.
JACKIE: It is too Donna! Your nasty butt ruined my picture.
DONNA: Hey, maybe your nasty face ruined my butt-picture!
FEZ: I know why I am not in the yearbook. It’s because Whitey is keeping me down.
KELSO: Hey Fez, just look at Donna’s naked butt some more.
FEZ: Yes that’s nice, thank you.
ERIC (getting up): Okay (taking the yearbook from Kelso) Okay. Donna, take me through the chain of events. Now, you’re at the pep-rally, oh and at this point your pants are on…
DONNA: Right. And then they weren’t.
ERIC: Donna mooning isn’t something you just do.
HYDE: No, it’s not something YOU’d just do, because it’s impossible to moon when you have no ass.
Donna and Jackie are talking
JACKIE: Michael is such a boy. He doesn’t even know who he is. You know who knows who he is? Steven Hyde.
DONNA: Oh no, now you like Hyde?
JACKIE: No I don’t like him, I just think he’s like the sweetest coolest guy I’ve ever met.
DONNA: Jackie, I thought you hated him?
JACKIE: Feelings change Donna! Like remember when we first met and I hated you?
JACKIE: Yeah, I thought you were like this big goon. Didn’t we have this talk?
JACKIE: I’m so sorry! (she laughs)
DONNA: That’s okay, I mean I hated you too.
JACKIE: Yeah that’s cause you’re a big goon!
JACKIE: Goon! See, see we’re closer then ever! I gotta go find Steven (she leaves. Donna looks puzzled)
Red and Kitty are unloading groceries. Bob and Midge walk up to them, dressed in similar jogging suits
KITTY: Oh haha! Hello strangers! Look Red, it’s the Pinciotti’s.
RED: Yeah. And they’re dressed the same.
MIDGE: We were jogging.
RED: So you had to dress the same?
KITTY: Well uhm I hope we’re still on for cards tomorrow night?
BOB: Oh about that, we can’t…
RED (interrupting him): Hey, no excuses necessary. Gosh, darn the luck. That just makes me so sad. I gotta go inside (he leaves).
BOB: Well me too! (he leaves)
KITTY: Midge, is something bothering Bob?
MIDGE: Oh, he is uncomfortable around you and Red now that Donna and Eric “know” each other. If you “know” what I mean (Kitty stares blankly) You see I’m using the word ‘know’ in a different way here.
MIDGE: It’s a pun!
KITTY: It’s not a…Okay Midge, good pun! Bye bye now! (Midge leaves) Oh they are nuts!
THE PHOTO HUT
Leo is looking at some photos, Jackie is talking to him
JACKIE: Yeah, there’s a lot of things about Steven that I used to not like. But now, I really like. Like…well I thought his pork chop sideburns were a sign that he was poor and dirty and living in a shack. But then…but then I realized that Elvis had sideburns and he lived in Graceland. Well that was an eye-opener (the door opens) There he is! Hi Steven!
HYDE: What is she doing here?
LEO: I think she is hitting on me man. But I ain’t interested. Tell her I ain’t interested and make her go away.
JACKIE: Hitting on you?! I’m not hitting on you, you relic!
LEO: Hey name calling is no way to win someone’s heart.
JACKIE: What are you talking about?
LEO: What are you talking about?
JACKIE: What are you talking about?
LEO: What are you talking about?
JACKIE: What are you talking about? (Hyde leaves)
LEO: What are you talking about?
JACKIEL: GREAT! Now he got away! Steven! (she goes after him)
LEO: What was she talking about?!
FORMAN BASEMENT – THE CIRCLE
Hyde, Jackie, Donna and Laurie are in the circle
HYDE: Man, I’ve got no idea about what’s gotten into Jackie. (imitating Jackie) Steven let's hang out. Steven let's go to the mall (stops) My life’s a living hell, you know.
JACKIE (laughing hard): STEVEN! You’re hilarious! You know, Steven and I tease each other. That’s what best friends do!
DONNA: You know what, I love showing my butt! I don’t care what Eric says! I like to show it and I like to shake it!
LAURIE: Donna, I can totally respect that. Just be careful though or they’ll call you a home wrecker. I can count the number of homes I’ve wrecked on one hand.
HYDE: Don’t worry ladies, cause no-one is going to label you here. If you guys want to take off some clothes and shake some stuff, feel free hehehe (he looks
at Jackie) Not you.
JACKIE: I wouldn’t call you a home wrecker Laurie. No, I’d call you a slut. And a home wrecker.
DONNA (with her butt to the camera): Shake shake shake, shake shake shake! Shake your booty!
LAURIE: Whoo rock it girl (she shakes her boobs)
HYDE: Yeahhh that’s good stuff!
Kitty is scrubbing the counter. Red comes in
RED: Heeeyyy. Let’s see a smile! After all, no card game with the Looney-tunes tonight!
KITTY: Red, they are the only friends we’ve got. I am having them over tonight so we can clear the air.
RED: No. Noooo no, I don’t wanna clear the air.
KITTY: Red I am clearing the air!
RED: Kitty, this is our chance to grow apart! How can you throw that away?! HOW?
KITTY: Because six nights a week I have to stare at your sour puss and even God got to rest one day a week (she laughs and leaves).
Eric is sitting by himself, drinking a soda. Donna comes in
ERIC: Hey. So, the yearbooks are out and no-one’s noticed your fleshy
indiscretion. So I guess I’m cool with it.
DONNA: What a relief. I tossed and turned all night (she laughs)
ERIC: Well, relax Donna, relax. Because I mean it’s a tiny picture, it’s all out of focus. I think it’s safe to say this little episode is behind us now.
A guy comes in, stand on a chair and holds a yearbook up in the air and points at Donna
GUY: Hey everybody! Donna is showing her ass!! Donna is showing her ass!! Donna is showing her ass!! Donna is showing her ass!! Donna is showing her ass!! Donna is showing her ass!! Yeaaah!!
Red, Kitty, Midge and Bob are having coffee
KITTY: Okay, uhm, we’ve been friends and neighbors for a long time and I think
there’s something we need to talk about. Don’t you Bob?
RED: Kitty, don’t push him. He might just…get up and leave. I’d respect you if you’d got up and left…
KITTY: Eric and Donna are having sex.
BOB: What the hell?!
RED: Kitty?! I didn’t now that clearing the air meant we were gonna have a sex-talk with the neighbors!
MIDGE: I did! And I thought it was gonna be fun! And it is fun!
KITTY: I think what Midge means is, is its good to clear the air. Secrets cause cancer.
BOB: Fine. Bring it on. Just so long as I don’t have to talk about this.
RED: I gotta say, I’m with Bob on this.
BOB: Right, so let’s all just not talk.
RED: Okay. Deal.
BOB: Okay, deal buddy (he wants to shake Red’s hand)
RED: No Bob. DEAL (he hands him a pack of cards)
Fez, Kelso, Leo and a guy are playing fuss ball.
FEZ: You lose again cracker! Why don’t you go home and cry to your big white momma?
LEO: Well first of all dude, I think I’m Chinese. And second of all, let me see you put your money where your mouth is (he puts money on the table)
KELSO: I don’t know…twenty bucks…I’m gonna have to dip into my babysitting money (they look at him) I mean my drag racing money!
FEZ: Time to lose little white girls!
LEO: SCORE! Yeah I just remembered man, I’m really good at this game.
Jackie comes in
JACKIE: Ohhh Steven! I’m SO glad you’re here.
HYDE (reading): Jackie, please. I’m right in the middle of Smokey and the Band-Aid okay?
JACKIE: Okay fine but… I signed us up for roller-disco lessons at Skateworld tonight. Class starts in half an hour so we better hustle (Hyde stares at her) You get it? Hustle?
HYDE: Okay, let me explain something to you. On Friday nights, I don’t roller-disco. I go out looking for roller-discoers to punch in the head.
JACKIE: Okay fine, we won’t roller disco. We’ll do anything you want.
HYDE: No we won’t. Look man, you and I, don’t have anything in common. You’re like, a square you know. A cheerleader. So just roller-disco on out of here okay?
JACKIE: Fine. Fine I guess I’m not cool enough to hang out with you anymore.
HYDE: Now you’re getting it.
JACKIE: You know what Steven, you think you know me, but you don’t. You don’t know me at all (she leaves)
HYDE: I know you like unicorns, soooo bye bye.
Eric is shooting hoops, Donna joins him
ERIC: Oh my God, call Walter Cronkite, my girlfriend has her pants on.
DONNA: Okay, you're behaving like the biggest baby. What is your problem?
ERIC: What's my...my problem is, it's your...butt. It's OUR butt, it's my butt.
DONNA: Eric, it's my butt. And when I showed it, it was funny. And you should be glad you have a girlfriend who is cool enough to moon.
ERIC: Well, yeah okay, I mean you're right. But you know what, once the jocks and the guys with the Firebirds see it, you know, they're just gonna totally want you.
DONNA: Oh no, with my weak little girlie mind I'll go too. You're such a bone-head.
ERIC: Yeah I know. Okay. It's great. But you know, in the future, would it kill you just to have a smidgen of modesty? (Donna laughs) What? What is so funny?
DONNA: You're a prude!
ERIC: I am not!
DONNA: Yes! You're uptight like a little pilgrim.
ERIC: Oh yeah?!
ERIC: Oh yeah?!
Midge and Bob are saying goodbye to Kitty and Red
BOB: In the end, I'm glad my Donna's with your Eric. At least I know Eric is not a degenerate (he turns around and opens the kitchen door)
ERIC (mooning): Who is the prude now?! My ass is swinging baby! Whooohooo!!
KITTY (from the door): ERIC?!
ERIC (bending down and looking through his legs to the kitchen door): Hi Mom!
Donna falls to the floor laughing
RED: So,Bob, you wanna go ahead and cancel next weeks game buddy?
Fez, Kelso, Leo and a guy are still playing fuss ball.
KELSO: Okay, tied game. This is it Fez, channel all of your hatred for the white man into this one last point.
FEZ: I am full of hate my brother.
GUY: Hey foreign guy, will you sign your yearbook picture?
FEZ: My what-book picture?! (he looks at it) Oh my God, it is half my face! Oh I feel the warm loving embrace of the Whitey! I forfeit. You win.
KELSO: No. No. Noo! No-one is embracing you Fez! You're brown okay! So let's kick some racist ass!
They start to play but lose 'cause Fez is still looking at his picture
FEZ: We lost? Nice game my white friends.
KELSO: YOU OWE ME MONEY! (he punches Fez in the arm)
OUTSIDE THE HUB
Jackie is waiting for Hyde
JACKIE: Hey Hyde.
HYDE: Oh no. Is the roller-disco craze over already?
JACKIE: Course not. Look Hyde, I just wanted you to know that I'm not a square cheerleader. I am on the wrong side of the law. Because I have this (she holds a bag of weed)
HYDE: Oh no, a paper bag, run! (she opens the bag and he looks inside) Jackie!
JACKIE: Oh yeah. I bought it. In the ghetto.
HYDE: Jackie, there is no ghetto here. I mean there's like that one house that needs to be painted.
JACKIE: Okay fine, I bought it from my housekeeper. Whatever.
HYDE: So what are you saying? You wanne be like a burn-out now?
JACKIE: No, no! Hyde, I just wanne be with you okay? I think you're one of the coolest, sweetest guys I've ever met.
HYDE: No you don't! (he throws away the bag)
JACKIE: Yes I do!
COP: Is there a problem here?
HYDE: No sir, officer. There's no problem at all, right Jackie?
JACKIE: There is nothing in the bag!
COP (after looking in the bag): Okay Miss. Let's go.
JACKIE: No, no, I can't go to jail! I have to cheer tomorrow!
The cop takes her by her arm
HYDE: What are you doing man? The bag is mine. Come on, cheerleader, dirtbag...
COP: Okay man (he handcuffs him)
JACKIE: Oh my God, Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll
be more then friends! Because now...I love you!
HYDE (walking off): My God, will you shut up?!
JACKIE: As God is my witness, I will wait for you!
Eric is sitting down, Red, Kitty and Laurie are standing
KITTY: Well I hope you're happy! I don't think Bob will ever recover from the sight of your rear-end.
LAURIE: What rear-end?!
RED (sniggering): What I can't figure out is how you expected to run away, with your pants down around your ankles.
LAURIE: Damn, he dumb!
The phone rings, Red picks it up
RED: Hello? Steven! Where have you been? You missed the funniest damn thing!
HYDE (in the police station): Uhuh. Uhuh. Pants around the ankles? Oh that great. Look Red, I gotta talk to you about something...
RED: ....Arrested? For what? For posession of what? SON OF A BITCH!
The gang sit around
KELSO: Hyde got arrested?! For what?
DONNA: For holding.
KELSO: For holding what?
JACKIE: For holding my heart. Because I love him.
JACKIE: It's true okay. I love Steven Hyde. And some day, he'll love me. And he'll cut off those stupid sideburns and we'll live happily ever after.