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Eric, Laurie and Red are having breakfast, Kitty comes in dressed in her uniform
ERIC: Hey Mom, are you going to wear that to church or is it just laundry day? Think about it.
KITTY: No, there is an emergency at the hospital and they're really short staffed, and I'm sorry, I'm not gonna make it to church today.
ERIC: Allright! No church! Hey, we can watch the Brewer's game!
RED: Sounds great! Laurie'll cook us up a couple of hotdogs, we'll...
KITTY: NO! No Brewers, no hotdogs, no nice day! You're gonna make sure these kids get to church.
LAURIE: Why do we have to go?!
KITTY: Well I have a million reasons and no time! (to Laurie) Now, here's a dollar, for the offering (to Eric) And you remember, you sing loud, sing proud! (she leaves)
ERIC (to Red): Hey what about you? How come you never have to go?
RED: Eric, God and I had a heart to heart, when I watched my destroyer go down in the South Pacific. We're real good. You're not. Go!
Eric and Laurie walk outside
LAURIE: Well I'll see ya. I'm going to meet some friends behind the bowling alley.
ERIC: Laurie! We're suppossed to go to church!
LAURIE (whining voice): OH we're supposed to go to church! Stop being such a little girl and do something bad for once!
Eric, Fez, Hyde and Kelso are sitting at a table
FEZ: So Eric, I did not see you in church today.
ERIC: Uhh no, now that I'm not a virgin anymore there is really nothing more left to pray for.
KELSO: Man, my life sucks! Ever since Jackie left, I'm no good at pinball!
FEZ: You were never good at pinball.
HYDE: Let's look at the bright side on not having Jackie. First: no Jackie! Second: Now you can do all the things that you could never do when you were with her man. Which was at last count, everything!
KELSO: Oh man, you're right! You know Jackie never ever wanted me to like cheat on her, or grow a beard and I always wanted to! And now I can let this grow out! (he feels his chin)
FEZ: May I grow one too?
KELSO: I don't know Fez, the two of us growing beards together...isn't that kinda girlie?
FEZ: Well, I just figure, the more the hairier! (he laughs, the other's stay silent) Oh I'm surrounded by idiots!
Laurie and Eric come in
ERIC: Hey, you know what might make our little church play work better? If you button your shirt! (Laurie starts to button up) Oh and hey, what's that in your hair? Oh, a cigarette butt.
LAURIE: Ah that is the last time I make out on asphalt.
Red and Kitty come in
RED: Ahh there they are!
KITTY: My little angels are home! How was church? Good sermon?
ERIC: Uh you know, fine. Jezus said something really wise...People said: Oh that Jesus. And now we go and try and live our lives that way.
RED: You mean like a couple of uh BIG FAT LIARS?
KITTY: Yeah uhm I ran into Bob out on the driveway and he told me you weren't at church.
ERIC: GOD, I hate Bob!
LAURIE: I tried to go Daddy, but Eric wouldn't give me a ride!
ERIC: Hey Mary-Magdalen, there is some gum on your neck...
KITTY: I can't believe that my own childeren would do this.
ERIC: Mom I mean it's such a nice day and you know we want to get some of that fresh air you're always telling us about.
RED: Hey, nobody likes a smart-mouth sinner!
KITTY: You know, this wouldn't have happened if someone had made sure his children had gotten to church...
RED: Well...DAMN! Allright, from now on, you kids are going to church, that's an order.
ERIC: Oh Dad...
KITTY: Okay okay, you know what, we shouldn't have to force them. They're almost grown-up. They can make up their own minds.
KITTY: Sure...if you wanna turn your backs on God and spent eternity doing laps in a lake of fire well that's your choice (she leaves)
FORMAN BASEMENT, one week later
Eric, Donna, Jackie and Kelso are there
KELSO: Sooooo guys? (he strokes his chin) Well what do you think of the beard?! Yeah, it's not bad after one week huh?
JACKIE: I think it's stupid. You look like a hobo.
KELSO: Well you're crazy.
JACKIE: No, YOU look like a hobo!
KELSO: Yeah well I like it. I think it looks rugged. Look how thick it's coming in huh!
The door opens and Fez comes in with a HUGE thick black beard
DONNA: Well Fez, that's a nice beard!
FEZ: It will be once he really comes in.
JACKIE: Doens't Michael look stupid? I mean it's not even growing in right, it's all patchy.
FEZ: Hahaha, poor Patchy!
KELSO: Allright I don't have to take this!
ERIC: Awww now we've made Patchy upset...
Kelso leaves, everyone: So long Patchy!
ERIC: I miss Patchy.
JACKIE: Doesn't Michael look hot with that beard? I mean it's all rough and forbidden.
DONNA: I thought you said Kelso looked stupid?
JACKIE: Well I can't tell him I like it! I hate his guts! But I hate him even more now that he is so hot. That hot bearded jerk.
FEZ: What about my beard?
JACKIE: It has egg in it.
Laurie comes down the stairs with a basket of laundry, Kitty follows her
KITTY: Laurie, what are you doing? Church starts in 10 minutes!
LAURIE: Mom, I'm not going!
LAURIE: Well...Eric is not going either!
KITTY: Oh of course he is!
ERIC: Well n...you know, I thought, Mom I thought you said we had the choice?
ERIC: And I chose no. But uh, yes was a close second.
KITTY: You know, I don't understand this at all. You give me one good reason why you don't wanna go to church.
ERIC: It's hot.
LAURIE: It's boring.
ERIC: The music sucks.
LAURIE: The pastor is ugly.
ERIC: I have to wear a tie.
LAURIE: I have to wear a bra!
LAURIE: What about Hyde? I mean he doesn't have to go.
HYDE (coming in and walking around): While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic, as well as the Eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Mohammed, I find that organised religion has corrupted those believes to justify countless atrocities throughout history. If I were to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite (he leaves)
KITTY: Okay, you know what, I am leaving in 5 minutes. And I'm sure you will make the right decision (to Eric): No, YOU'll make the right decision, and you drag her with you. Something tells me I will not be sitting in that pew alone! Ahahahaha! (she leaves)
Kitty is sitting all by herself, Midge, Bob and Donna sit behind her
BOB: Hey Kitty, the Pinciotti's are all here, where is the rest of Team Forman?
KITTY: Oh, I'm all alone today.
MIDGE: All alone? Ick! That's just embarrasing!
BOB: That's a shame because if there's anyone who has some confessing to do, it's that dirty dirty son of yours.
Leo comes in
LEO (to Kitty): Excuse me Ma'am, is this seat taken here?
KITTY: Do you see anyone?
Leo sits down next to Kitty
LEO: I love it here man. The guy up there telling stories, that guys wails on the organ. You can sing as loud as you want. It's almost a religious experience! I kinda think this is what heaven is gonna be like you know. Plus, they'll have an open bar.
Kitty starts to daydream about heaven
ST. PETER: Right this way! (he opens the gate) Whipe your feet please. Sorry, no flash photogtaphy. Next!
KITTY: Oh that's us. Forman, party of four.
ST. PETER: Sorry, I can't let you in.
KITTY: What? (St. Peter shakes no) All of us or just Laurie?
ST. PETER: All of you (to Laurie) Hi Laurie! (Laurie waves back) Kitty, if you'd only gone to church with your family. But you didn't. So...down you go!
He pulls a handle, the whole row of people starts to scream but nothing happens
ST. PETER: Hahahaha, I love that gag! Step aside would you please? Next!
Bob comes running down the line of people
BOB: Hey there, ho there hi there! Coming through...
KITTY: Oh you have got to be kidding me!
ST. PETER: What can I do? They went to church.
BOB (giving St. Peter a tip): Here's twenty. Can you find us a place up front?
St. Peter takes the money, nods and the Pinciotti's enter heaven
RED: Allright, that's it! I'm kicking Bob's ass!
RED: Oh Kitty, we're going to hell anyway!
Back to Kitty sitting in the church
KITTY: Well that's just not gonna happen!
LEO (taking money from the man who does the offertory): Thanks man!
Red is reading the newspaper and drinking coffee
RED: How was church?
KITTY: Great. I figured out what to do with our sinner children!
RED: Kitty, our kids are fine.
KITTY: Oh really? So why is Laurie...
RED: Hey, hey, if we're gonna start taking shots at our kids, let's focus on Eric.
KITTY: You see, now that's the point! He needs to learn right from wrong. I don't want him turning bad!
RED: Oh Kitty, I don't think Eric's gonna turn bad. He is too much of a pantywaist!
KITTY: I know why you are defending them Red. You feel guilty because you set a bad example.
RED: Hey I go to church. Just not during televised sporting events! You know Kitty, when my destroyer went down in the South Pacific...
KITTY: OH! Blablabla!
RED: Fine. If I thought the kids weren't going because of me, I'd go! Fortunately I don't think that so I'm not going.
KITTY: Well, that's all well and good Red, but since they won't go to church I'm bringing the church to them. I've asked Dave, the church youth minister to come here for dinner and he said groovy!
RED: Sounds like a great idea.
KITTY: You really think so?
RED: I don't have to be there right?
RED: Sounds like a great idea!
Kelso, Eric, Fez, Hyde and Leo are high in the circle
KELSO: You should really go to church Eric. Cause God, he sees everything! So I live my life good and pure.
ERIC: Kelso, you were dating two girls at the same time.
KELSO: Yeah but God didn't see that. I was in my van. And he can't see through lead.
FEZ (with moustache): I don't want to get into a religious argument, but my God can kick your God's ass.
HYDE (looks at Leo who sits almost on top of him, then looks back into the circle): God is dead man. It said so in Time Magazine.
LEO: No man, I sat next to God once on the bus. He told me the meaning of life and then he gave me a pretzel.
HYDE: So what's the meaning of life man?
LEO: Uhh yeah. I guess I should've written it down...But it was a good pretzel man.
ERIC: Maybe this life doens't even matter you know. Maybe we're not even here. Or no, maybe I'm here, but you're not! HELLO?
KELSO: You know what the best thing God ever did was? BOOBS!
FEZ: Yes! And God said: Let there be boobs! And then there were boobs!
HYDE: Hey, if God is all powerful, can He make a boob so big that even He can't lift it?
LEO: Well that's a good question man. I'll ask him next time I'm on the bus.
Donna and Jackie are standing in the driveway
JACKIE (looking into the Forman's kitchen): Oh my God, here comes Michael! Isn't he gorgeous?!
DONNA: Jackie, he is a dog that lied and cheated on you remember?!
JACKIE: Goog good! Keep saying stuff like that, so that I don't throw myself at him.
DONNA: Gee, I'll try...
Kelso walks past them
KELSO: Oh hey. Excuse me.
JACKIE: Hey Michael!
DONNA: You submental two-timing dog!
KELSO: Hey Jackie!
JACKIE: So where are you off to?
DONNA: You lying-cheating-dirtbag-jerk!
KELSO: Well I'm just gonna over to the Hub, grow my beard (he rubs his chin) you know.
JACKIE: Well that's neat.
DONNA: So uhm they allow scumwhat's there who lie to their girlfriends and cheat on them and break their hearts?
KELSO: Uhmm..I guess so...yeah (he leaves)
Kitty, Hyde, Eric, Dave and Laurie
DAVE: Now I know some of the kids today think God is a real downer, but the truth is, he's an upper! And let me tell you something, there is a much better drug then LSD or PCP. I get high on G.O.D!
HYDE (coughs): VIRGIN...
KITTY (to Hyde): Bless you.
HYDE: Okay, why am I here?
KITTY: Because you're a young soul in my care. Now sit dammit (Hyde sits down) Sorry Dave.
LAURIE (sitting really close to Dave): I have a soft spot for virgins...because they're such a challenge...
DAVE (with a tight voice): Religion can be cool! In fact, Jesus was a lot like another famous rebel! Fonzie! But when Fonzie says: Ejjjj... Jezus says: Aaaaa-men!
HYDE: But Dave, could Jezus start a jukebox by hitting it?
DAVE: He could, but Jesus doesn't like to hit anything.
ERIC: Did He ever waterski over a shark?
DAVE: Okay, does anyone have a question about the Bible?
LAURIE: I do. Do you have your own place?
KITTY: Hey you know what, how about we just...we stop talking and we start singing songs!
Cut to Dave at the organ
DAVE (singing): Jesus is just allright with meeeee... Jesus is just allright with meeeee...EVERYONE! Jesus is just allright with meeeee... Jesus is just allright OH YEAH (Kitty starts to sing along) Jesus is just allright with meeeee... Jesus is just allright with meeeee...
Cut to the Forman's living room
DAVE: Allright, let's take a look at your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? (He holds up her drawing) Oh that's nice. Very lifelike.
KITTY: See, he is looking down fondly on all of us going to church.
DAVE: Steven? (Hyde holds up his drawing) Very good. I see, when you think of God you see Jesus.
HYDE: No man, it's Clapton!
ERIC: Oh my God man! (He holds his drawing up) I drew Clapton too!
DAVE: Okay...cool. Laurie?
LAURIE (walking up to him): I drew a special picture just for you...Look at it later when you're alone...(she hands him a folded piece of paper)
Eric, Laurie. Dave, Hyde and Kitty are playing cards
ERIC: I've got a pair of tens.
DAVE: Or as we say in "Religious Rummy", a pair of apostles.
KITTY: Oeh uhm, I have a jack, a queen and a king.
DAVE: You mean a Joseph, a Mary and a Jesus!
KITTY: Well...that's gonna be hard to beat...
DAVE: That's so true Kitty. Let's see what Laurie's got. (Laurie lays down a card) Six (another one) six (another one) six.....Well thank you all for the lovely evening, I'll see you at the church! (he leaves)
Jackie comes in, bares one of her shoulders and walks up to Kelso
JACKIE: Oh Michael...
Kelso turns around, he has shaved of his beard and is covered with band aids
JACKIE: OH MICHAEL! (she leaves)
FORMAN LIVINGROOM, one week later
Red, Laurie and Eric are watching TV in their pyjama's. Kitty comes down the stairs, fully dressed. She grabs the remote and turns off the TV
KITTY: Eric, Laurie, get ready for church.
LAURIE: Wait a second, I thought you said it was OUR choice.
KITTY: Well when you chose to go it'll be your choice. Coming on to the youth minister, you NEED church!
ERIC: Mom! Why are you doing this?
KITTY: I don't have to have a reason, it's right, I'm tour mother now move.
ERIC: But it's not fair! I mean why do we have to go to church? I mean, Dad doesn't go...
Red looks up, stunned
KITTY: AH HA! Aha aha aha aha aha! Ahahahahaha! Come on everybody, the Forman's are going to church! (she leaves)
RED: You had to throw me under the bus with you didn't you?! Well nice going Eric! (he leaves)
LAURIE: Yeah nice going! Now I have to put on a bra! (she leaves)
ERIC: God hates me.