Ce script VO a été migré dans le guide de l'épisode.
Eric: Donna have you noticed that every time we do… (cough) what we just did, it is always fun?
Donna : Eric you're so cute. (tickles him)
Eric: Oww, oww. Donna I think by cute you mean ruggedly handsome.
Donna: You read my mind Eric.
Eric : Oh yeah that's the other thing…after we do “that” thing I don't really feel like an Eric.
Donna : Oh really.
Eric : Uh yeah, I think I feel more like a Stan or a Chuck or a, a Maverick.
Donna : Do you want to go to a movie tomorrow Maverick?
Eric : Oh uh, I told Kelso and Fez I'd hang out with them.
Donna : Really…. Oh.
Eric : Hey but uh, you can come too if you want.
Donna : No that's ok. (Below her there are subtitles that read: “You can come too if you want?” Get Bent!)
Eric : Uh really, you should come (subtitle: Am I in trouble?)
Donna : No you go, have fun. (Subtitle: I should hit you.)
Eric : Are you sure? (Subtitle: Are you mad?)
Donna : Sure, it's not big deal. (Subtitle: You will never see me naked again.)
Eric: Ok, cool. (Subtitle: Oh, cool, It's no big deal.)
(Kitty is making breakfast and dancing to music. Red, Laurie, Hyde, and Eric sit around the table as she serves them)
Red: Swedish pancakes? What's the catch?
Kitty : Oh no catch, eat them while they're hot, there's plenty.
Hyde : Wow, this is a real treat Mrs. Forman.
Red : Psst, careful Steven, there's always a string attached to Swedish pancakes, trust me.
Eric : Mom you only make Swedish pancakes when something horrible is about to happen.
Laurie: Does someone have cancer?
Kitty : No, no, no. No one has horrible cancer. (laughs) Now let's just sit down as a family and enjoy our special pancakes. (Red hesitates for a moment and then takes a bite)
Gotcha! ( laughs ) We're all going to the nursing home to visit Aunt Pearl. (Laurie, Red, and Eric groan.)
Laurie : Isn't she dead yet?
Kitty : Laurie!
Eric : Well she is old so, maybe we should call ahead.
Kitty: Red, can you believe this family?
Red: Well, the Bucs are playing the Celtics.
Kitty : Oh come on. All I'm asking is for a quick visit. Real quick. Quick, quick, quick.
Red : Say kids how ‘bout a nice trip to old Aunt Pearl's? (Laurie and Eric groan ) Hey!
Kitty : Thank you Red.
Eric : I don't have to go, do I? I've already been to see her three times this year.
Laurie : Uh yeah, and I'm a virgin.
Forman Basement, Circle
Kelso : (He looks really awful) God I miss Jackie. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can still eat, but I mean my life has no meaning. I'm dead inside.
Fez: Oh, so that's what smells.
Hyde : Yeah Mr. Brokenheart, when was the last time you took a bath man? Woo, you're getting gamey.
Eric : (Eating a Fudgesicle) Man, I am so glad Donna's not Jackie, but I'll tell you what, I'm even more glad I'm not you. No offense.
Kelso : I gotta win Jackie back. I got it! I'll write her a song.
Fez : Maybe the best way to get Jackie back is to let her date other people…foreign exchange people.
Hyde : No man, I think a song is a really great idea. How ‘bout this one “You don't love me anymore. Caught me cheatin with a whore.” See cause Laurie's the whore, you get it?
Eric : (laughing) Yeah, my sister is such a whore.
Kelso : (crying) Yeah, I'm gonna write Jackie a song. I gotta win her back because I can't stop the tears man. (Starts to sob)
(Shots of Fez, Hyde, and Eric staring at Kelso as he sobs loudly)
Eric : Kelso, we've been over this there's, no crying in the circle.
Forman front steps
Donna: And then Eric says, “You can come…if you want.”
Jackie: Eww, if you want? Ouch.
Donna: Right? I don't know, I think he's sorta taking me for granted. Ahh I don't know, maybe I'm just overreacting.
Jackie: No Donna, you're underreacting. All men take all women for granted all the time.
Jackie : Save yourself the heartache Donna. Break up with Eric now before it's too late. Then we can be single girls together! (gets excited) Oohh, we could take a cruise!
Donna : I don't know. I'm just worried. I mean if he's acting like this now imagine what would happen if we got married or something.
Fantasy spoof on “All in the Family.” Kelso and Jackie are Meathead and Gloria. Eric and Donna are Archie and Edith Bunker.
Kelso : Gloria I just looked at her. She was just giving me change.
Jackie : No, Michael it wasn't a look is was a “looook.”
(Donna enters from the kitchen)
Donna : Oh my, please don't fight, your father will be home any minute.
Jackie : Wow Ma, you're all dressed up.
Donna : Oh yeah, your father's taking me out tonight.
Kelso : Well good for you ma, you deserve a night out.
Eric: Well ho, ho, ho and whoopdy doo, I'm home.
(Donna rushes over to him)
Donna : Oh hi Archie!
Eric: Oh geez Edith, no time for the kisses there, the fight's about to start.
Jackie : But Daddy, you told Ma you were taking her out tonight.
Kelso : That's true Arch.
Eric: Shut up you Meathead you!
Donna : Well if you ask my opinion, maybe you just forgot.
Eric: Ahh geez Edith there, I didn't forget nothin' so get me a beer and stifle it.
Donna: Oh my.....
(Fades back to Forman porch)
Donna : Oh my god Jackie, what am I gonna do?
Jackie: I don't know Donna, I just don't know. (Red opens the front door ) Oh hi Mr. Forman.
Red : Go talk on your own damn porch!
(Aunt Pearl watches TV while Laurie lies on her bed reading a magazine)
Kitty : So... you been playing much bingo Pearl?
Pearl : Oh for god sakes Kitty, I ate your damn pudding so go!
Kitty : Laurie, say something nice.
Laurie : Fine...something nice.
(Pearl snatches away Laurie's magazine and walks toward the bathroom.)
Pearl : That's my magazine.
(Pearl enters the bathroom and leave the door open. Red rushed toward the door and shuts it.)
Red : Nobody needs to see that.
Pearl : (offscreen) Get out!
(Hyde folds laundry while Jackie sits on the washing machine)
Jackie : You know it's weird, I though that after me and Michael broke up I wouldn't want to hang out here anymore.
Hyde : Yup, that's what we're hoping.
Jackie : But I think if I left you'd really miss me. Right?
Hyde : (coughs) Umm I umm suppose that, you know it's important when you have uh a bad breakup that you uh have friends to uh sympathetic uh stuff umm support and uhh I don't know.
Jackie : Right, so let's go to the mall.
Hyde : No uh I meant friends like Donna or not me. (He walks into his room and Jackie follows)
Jackie: But I noticed you're alone a lot and I'm alone a lot, so let's be alone together. (offscreen) Look, we're alone right now.
(Hyde walks out of his room and Jackie follows)
Hyde: That's not really a very good reason for us to...
Jackie : Wait. Let's go to Sizzler. They've got a salad bar, it's all you can eat plus five different colors of Jello. I'll buy.
Hyde : You've been through a rough time, let's go.
(Fez, Eric, and Kelso sit at a table. Kelso has a guitar)
Kelso : “Song for Jackie” by Michael Kelso (He strums his guitar and sings)
“You may think this song is stupid
So I made a call to cupid
And he told me to put my heart out on my sleeve
So we can retrieve
Our love from the trash, trash, trash”
What do you think?
Eric : Well, I think that you should… draw her a picture.
Kelso : Hey pal, you think you're funny? Well someday Donna's gonna crush your stupid little heart too.
Eric: Yeah... see I don't think so because I've taken special precautions to prevent that very thing from happening. For instance, I don't sleep with other women
Kelso : Yeah, well it's only because you're chicken.
Donna : Hey.
Eric: Hey baby, let's say you grab papa a root beer, huh?
(Donna stares at him angrily)
Fez : Oh my god. I cannot look.
Donna : Listen you worm, I am not your slave or your waitress or your maid, now don't get all “Archie Bunkery” on me or I will kick your ass to the moon! (She storms out of The Hub)
Kelso : (laughing and pointing) Hey Eric, what rhymes with Donna?
(Eric, Fez, and Kelso)
Kelso : ( strumming his guitar and singing )
“I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me
down right coerced me”
Hey, that's kinda good. (He writes it down)
Eric : (pacing) Man, I just asked her for a root beer.
Fez : You try to control her Eric and the woman always controls the man.
Kelso : That's true.
Eric : Donna does not control me!
Fez: Oh Eric, you have so much to learn, my friend.
Kelso: Yeah, I wish Jackie was still controlling me. I love being on a short leash
(strums guitar and sings passionately)
“Put the short leash back on me!!!”
Eric: Kelso, uh let me see that for a second (takes the guitar and smashes it)
Kelso: You know that was kinda funny. That was your guitar. BURN!!
Jackie: Hyde, those boots look really nice on you.
Hyde : You know Jackie, you buying me boots was just wrong, shoulda let me shoplift them.
Jackie: No Hyde, I want you to have them. Besides, I'm saving a fortune now that I don't have to feed and clothe Michael.
Hyde: Well, if you insist.
Jackie : I do. So I was thinking tomorrow night we should you know….
Hyde : Whoa, whoa, whoa, ok alright come on now Jackie, this was a one time only thing alright? And if you're trying to bribe me with these boots you can just take them back.
Jackie: I see.
Hyde : Oh what are you going to do now, cry? (Jackie looks like she's about to cry) Oh man, you're crying . (Hyde moves to comfort her ) Hey Jackie, come on man, it's going to be fine ok? (He moves hair back from her face) This whole thing is going to be fine alright?
(Jackie moves to kiss him and he pulls away, startled)
Hyde : No!! Bad Jackie!
Jackie : But Hyde, I thought we agreed that you were alone and I was alone...
Hyde: Jackie I'm trying to help you out here, so you've gotta just listen to me. You have to know that you can do better than Kelso.
Jackie : But what if I never find anybody else?
Hyde: Oh you will man, you'll find somebody great. See I myself don't like you, I find you abrasive, but if I didn't know you and I'd never talked to you, I'd think you were totally hot.
Jackie: Thank you Hyde.
Hyde: Anything for you doll.
(Pearl is still in the bathroom, Red is watching the basketball game)
Kitty : Pearl honey, please come out. Laurie, she kinda likes you, do something.
Laurie : Aunt Pearl why don't you come out and you can show me your damn scrapbooks again.
Pearl : (opens door ) Every time you people come I gotta get dressed and put my teeth in and you're not worth it so get lost! (closes door)
Laurie : Now can we go?
Kitty : Ok fine, I give up. Let's just go. I just hope when I get old someone comes to visit me.
Laurie : Don't be ridiculous Mom, Eric will come. Well I'm gonna go warm the car up.
Red : No Laurie, this is important to your mother, so sit down. Come on Pearl, there's a Bucs game on!
(Pearl exits the bathroom)
Pearl : The Bucs huh? (she sits to watch the game)
Kitty : Well now see, this is nice.
Pearl : The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! ( she spits at the TV)
Red : (halfheartedly) Go Bucks.
(Jackie sits on the couch as Kelso and Fez enter)
Jackie : Michael, I don't want to talk to you!
Kelso : No you're right ok because words don't do it. That's why I wrote this song.
Jackie : Oh god.
Kelso : (strums the guitar and sings)
“Jackie please take me backie
I'll get the knack see…”
Jackie : Ok Michael, stop.
Fez : Yes please Kelso, stop. I cannot take this anymore. This is how you serenade a woman. (He drops to his knee, takes Jackie's hand, and sings)
“Bessame, besssame mucho
come si fuera esta noche
la ultima bess”
Jackie: What are you doing?
Kelso: Yeah, what are you doing?
Fez: Ummm, this is my school song from back home…I don't know (he gets up)
(Hyde comes down the stairs )
Hyde : Hey what's going on?
Jackie : Nothing. Nothing at all. Thank you Hyde for tonight, it was very special. (she kisses him on the cheek and leaves)
Kelso : (screams)
Hyde : Isn't she nice? (he puts his leg on the table) Hey fellas, you like my new boots?
(Red, Fez, and Eric sit around the table eating)
Fez : And then Eric says to Donna “I cannot go out with you because I am going out with the guys.”
Red : (choking on his food ) Oh geez.
Eric : What? I don't think that's the problem.
Red : No, What's His Name Is Right, that's the problem.
Eric : Look, I don't think I did anything wrong. I'm not going to apologize to Donna.
Red: Oh yeah? (Fez and Red laugh)
Eric: What? Why?
Red: Here's the thing, you're assuming that you're good enough for Donna and you're not. (Fez nods his head in agreement)
Eric : Yes I am.
Red : No you're not, just like I'm not good enough for your mother.
Eric : Ok well…yeah that's true.
Red: Hey, watch it. I'm trying to help you out here.
Eric : Ok yes sir.
Red : Look, do you really think I wanted to spend the whole damn day sitting in a room with a woman who hates the Bucs and smells like cabbage? Well I didn't, but that's the price you pay son. Now you go call Donna before she realizes how much better off she is without you. Go on now, go!
Fez : Go!! You heard him, go!
Eric : But…
Fez: Blah, blah, blah…make the call little man.
Eric : Listen Donna…
Donna: No, wait. I've been thinking about you know what happened and I realize I might have overreacted. It's just I'm a little vulnerable now that our relationship has matured.
Eric : Donna, no apology necessary. I welcome your insane behavior and criticism.
Donna : Don't be a jerk Eric.
Eric : No no, I'm actually, I'm being serious. I'm willing to do whatever it takes for us to be together. Whatever it takes, it's worth it.
Donna : Well, thank you.
Eric: So uh, for future reference, do I have to ask you before I go out with my friends?
Eric : So uh, how will I know which times.
Donna : Well you'll know afterward when I get mad.
Eric : Ok so uh is there a umm, you know, maybe a better system than that.
Donna : No, I can't really think of one, no.
Eric : Ok, fair enough. I'm really sorry.
Donna : Me too.
Eric : So uh, I blew off the guys tonight to hang out with you. So my calendar is wide open. I'm here for you Donna.
Donna : Oh, that's too bad. I'm hanging out with Jackie. You can come if you want.
(kisses him in the cheek and leaves)
Eric : Hahaha, that's really not funny.